Home Improvement

From Quotes
Let the first impulse pass, wait for the second.
Baltasar Gracian
Jump to: navigation, search

Home Improvement was an American television sitcom series that starred Tim Allen as Tim Taylor. The show started in 1991 and ran for eight seasons on ABC, with 204 episodes.


Tim: Shut up, Al. (Said in annoyance towards Al)

Tim: We'll be right back after these messages from Binford. (said after messing up and/or injuring himself.)

Al: I don't think so, Tim. (in response to a silly remark from Tim or on one occasion when they traded positions on the show, Tim in response to Al.)

Wilson: Well, hidey-ho, good neighbor. (said when Tim comes to the fence for advice and/or comforting)

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time. (Said at the beginning of "Tool Time.")


[Tim has a piece of a table glued to his forehead]
Jill: You should go to the emergency room.
Tim: I was just there, they said I wasn't a priority.
Jill: Why, was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head?

Jill: What causes sibling rivalry?
Tim: Having more than one kid!

Tim: Remember, if your drill says Binford, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! DRILLS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YOU!

[Tim is rewiring the lawn mower]
Jill: The only reason you're doing this is because your mother wouldn't let you have a motorcycle.
Tim: She wouldn't let me have a dog, you don't see me out here rewiring a cocker spaniel do you?

Jill: A pressurized window washer? It shattered a window!
Tim: Every piece was clean though, all of them.

[Jill has scheduled an appointment for Tim with a female urologist]
Tim: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman?
Jill: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town.
Tim: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in Manland?
Jill: "Manland"? Now you got a theme park between your legs?

Al: I think one of these days, you're going to run out of flannel jokes.
Tim: I don't think so, Al. Not with my "Complete Flannel Joke Book".
[Tim pulls out a heavy dictionary-sized hardcover book labeled "The Complete Flannel Joke Book" from behind a prop and opens it]
Tim: "Why did the flannel cross the road?
'Cause Al was over there!"
"Oh waiter, there's a fly in my flannel!"
"Please... take my flannel!"
[Al snatches the book from Tim]
Tim: Then there's your handy wallet-sized version!
[Tim pulls a tiny hardcover book of the same color out of his pocket]
Tim: "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense?"
[Al snatches the second book]
Tim: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Brad: Dad, grandma's on the phone. She wants to talk to you.
[Hands Tim the phone]
Tim: Thanks. Hi, Lillian. No Jill's not here she's uh, out, you know, buying stuff to nurse her cold. What? Oh, my God that's, that's horrible, Lillian. How did it happen? Oh, how are you doing? Oh boy, this is horrible news. What can I do? Wh-ju-ju. Oh yeah, go ahead and call all them, and Jill will call you as soon as she gets back. O.K. Bye.
[Wilson, Heidi and Al come to the fence]
Wilson: Tim, what happened?
Tim: Jill's dad died.

[as Jill enters the room, talking about her day]
Tim: Your mom called a little while ago.
Jill: Oh no, let me guess. She's mad cuz I wouldn't let her come this weekend.
Tim: Honey...
Jill: What? Is something wrong?
Tim: It's about your dad.
Jill: My dad what?
Tim: He had a heart attack this morning.
[Jill inhales]
Tim: He... he... he didn't make it.

Tim: Ice cold pop for my favorite son.
Mark: I'm your favorite son?
Tim: Well, you're my last hope. One son looks like a sumo wrestler, the other one's in there putting moves on his mother.

Tim: Convictions and beliefs. What do they have to do with religion?

Wilson: Tim, are you familiar with the I-Ching?
Tim: Sure. The itching, the scratching, the chafing. That's why I switched to boxers, my friend.
Wilson: No... No, actually, the I-Ching is the ancient book of Chinese wisdom. You ask a question about your life, and then you toss these coins, and you try to divine the answer from the book.
Wilson: You know as Longfellow says, a torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words can bruise the heart of a child.
Tim: Do you think I should have a talk with Harry?
Wilson: Well, let's see what the I-Ching says. M-m, hm-m hm-m hm-m hm-m hm-mmm-mm. Yes, it says the situation is a microcosm ju-taposed against and created by the macrocosm of the universe. And there my neighbor, you have your answer.
Tim: Well, how about some words of wisdom from Longfellow during his itching period. He said, "Don't juckopose anything in a macroscope in this universe."

Tim: Evander, give me the doughnut.
Evander Holyfield: I don't think so, Tim.

Jill: That's not what you think, is it, Tim?
Tim: It's not?
Jill: No.
Al: What DO you think?
Tim: I don't know, ask her.

Wilson: Tim, it is not easy to change one's perception of things, but it can be very healthy. Some people might even say it's a growth experience.
Tim: Wilson, how far does this go? How do I really know you are who I think you are?
Wilson: Well how do I know you are who I think you are?
Tim: How do I know you're the one who said that?
Wilson: How do I know you heard what I said?
Tim: How do I know you're really here?
Wilson: Who else would have the time to come out and listen to this silly conversation?

Tim: Do you suppose that if this grass were on fire, it'd call Fescue 911?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Al: Do you think they call it Cajun cooking because you cook it in a cage?
Tim: I don't think so, Al.

Wilson: What I'm trying to say is that most people think the best way to get rid of a wart is to cut it off, but in actuality that isn't the best solution. See, the wart will reappear because the virus is still below the surface of the skin.
Tim: So just putting my two warts in separate rooms isn't going to cure this problem, eh?
Wilson: No, Tim. The only way to get rid of a wart is to go below the surface of the oily skin and dig out the root.
Tim: I see. Thanks. And Wilson, this is, bar none, the most disgusting conversation we've ever had.

Tim: Alright, guys. I'm sure there's something we all learned from this.
Brad: Yeah, the nose can be broken more than once in a day.

Tim: There's two different types of pain. Pain and man pain.
Mark: What's man pain?
Tim: Man pain is when you do something stupid.

Brad: [On the phone] I just gave her a taste of my Jello, it's not like we both chewed on the same piece of gum.

Randy: Let me get this straight. Mark gets fewer rules because he's a dork, and I get more rules because Brad's a dork.

Randy: [watching the movie "Patton", with babies Claire and Gracie on the Colonel's lap] Speaking of powerful, I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb.
Nancy: There they are.
The Colonel: They were crying, so I decided to calm them down by letting them watch Patton's invasion of North Africa.
Nancy: At home we just put them to sleep with old 'Tool Time' tapes.
Jill: [looks to the babies] Oh, somebody's stinking up the joint over here.
Brad: [accusingly] Randy!

Tim: [playing tea party; in high voice] Now, what would Her Royal Frigidness like to have?
Randy: How about a lobotomy?
Tim: Well look who's here. It's the village idiot.

Tim: [Watching a little TV in an ice shanty] I can't tell whether Gilligan got them off the island or the Pistons are about to score.

Boy: [Tim is dressed as Nanastein, a creepy old woman] This is pathetic. You're in a dress, your son is a doll, and your wife is a radish.
Jill: Hey, I'm a carrot. Learn your vegetables.
Tim: Hey lighten up, don't ruin this for everybody else, okay?
Boy: If you built this, it's all gonna fall apart anyway. I've seen your show. It ought to be called Fool Time.
Tim: [after pause] You know, making fun of Nanastein's favorite show is not a good idea, son. Why don't you check out Nana's tool box.
Boy: Oh ho, a tool box. I'm scared. What's gonna happen? Is a wrench gonna pop out and say, "Boo!"
Tim: I don't know.
Boy: [the tool box falls apart to reveal a bucket] Ooo ho ho, a bucket. I'm really scared.
[lifts the bucket to find Al's head]
Al: Grrr! Arrr!
[boy screams in fright and runs]

Jill: Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines?
Wilson: Without a doubt. Although, I am awfully fond of my waffle maker.
Jill: Well could you please tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to?
Wilson: Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles.

Tim: Two pretzels are walking down the street. One is assaulted.

Tim: I didn't bug you during childbirth.
Jill: No, but you bugged me during conception.

Tim: Some tool-men say "Why?" This tool-man says "Why not?"
Jill: This tool-man's wife says "Why me?"

Funeral director: We feel we know all our guests, in spirit.
Jill: Your guests? What is this, the Bates motel?

Tim: Are you saying we as in "we" or we as in "weeeeeeee"?

Tim: Honey, you can't let some nicks and cuts and contusions stop you from going. If I did that I wouldn't go anywhere.

Tim: You'd hate yourself forever if you didn't go.
Jill: Actually, I'd hate you.
Tim: That too.

Jill: The last time I trusted you, we had Mark.

Randy: Hey Beth, what do you call bad lemonade?
Beth: What?
Randy: Lemon lemonade.
[Beth, Brad and Jennifer force laughter]
Randy: Man, that's the last time I use one of Dad's jokes.

Randy: Um, Beth, another booger snookie? Er, sugar cookie?

Randy: My dad's been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card.
Tim: Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii.

Al: This is my assistant, Tim "Doesn't know Gumbo from Dumbo" Taylor.
Tim: Sure I do. Dumbo is a pachyderm and Gumbo is a little green guy who rides Pokey.

[Tim is reluctant to make jokes about Al's mom]
Al: Oh, I see. That wasn't in the plans either. While this buzzer sends thousands of volts coursing through my body while he stands back and says, "Remember the AL-amo". Then comes the uncalled for slams against my mother. How she shops in the husky section. How she cleared out the all-you-can-eat buffet. Just go ahead say it...
Al: ...my mother is a big fat cow.
Tim: [after pause] Goodness gracious, Al.

[about the show's prospects in Europe]
Tim: My show will succeed because of two words: Jerry Lewis.

Tim: If it doesn't say "Binford", someone else made it.

[Discussing Wes Davidson, the new president of Binford Tools]
Tim: I don't have a problem with Davidson.
Jill: You think he's a weasel.
Tim: I don't have a problem with that.

Jill: For once I'm cooking food and you're burning food.
Wilson: Most people eating my food are already dead.

Tim: Scott wouldn't cheat on Heidi; he's a Chevy guy.
Jill: Well, his Chevy is parked in someone else's garage.

Tim: [to Mark] Let me give you some guidelines: if something good happens to you, and Brad and Randy are happy, it's probably not a good thing.

Jill: Hey, Tim, dinner's ready.
Tim: I'm not really that hungry.
Jill: I didn't cook it.
Tim: I am famished.

Mark: But Mom, they were gonna play with me.
Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself, "What do they want to do to me?"

Tim: Thank you, I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al... Borland.
Al: What's the matter, no stupid middle name? Is it my birthday?
Tim: We don't always have to joke around, you know, this isn't Fool Time.

Tim: I want to talk to you.
Randy: Why didn't you just call me on the intercom? Or is it still picking up ambulance calls?
Tim: You really bust my chops sometimes.
Randy: Well you make it so easy, Dad.

Randy: You're a tyrannical fascist.
Tim: Did he just call me a dinosaur?

Tim: [Has signed an autograph for an attractive female fan while Jill is in the Bathroom] All right, there you go.
Kiki: Could you put my last name too?
Tim: Well you know, my wife is due back...
Kiki Kiki Von Fursterwallenscheinlaw.

Jill: You're not going to push him onto a red anthill, are you?
Tim: Honey, I think I've outgrown that.
Jill: How about the atomic wedgies?
Tim: Way too old for that.
Jill: What about the fake vomit in the shoes?
Tim: Never too old for that.

Tim: Wilson, let's say you didn't have my phone number and you wanted to call me.
Wilson: I have your phone number, Tim.
Tim: But what if you didn't?
Wilson: I suppose I'd ask you for it.
Tim: But what if you didn't know me?
Wilson: Then why would I want to call you?

Tim: I can burp with the best of them. I can fling ear wax from thirty feet across the room.
Jill: That's why I married you.

Tim: [Presents classic car] Kids, say hello to your new kid sister.
Randy: It looks old enough to be our grandmother.

Al: Merry Christmas. You know Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose. Cookies for its eyes. Licorice for its smile.
Tim: That's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's Mom usually ate the snowman.
Al: One year, she used the carrot to make coleslaw.

Jill: Oh, so great to have babies in the house again.
Tim: There's nothing like a little projectile vomit to brighten up the holidays.

Jill: Tim, Can you come down here? I have to talk to you.
Tim: Again?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: [Climbs all the way down a ladder] OK, what did you do now?
Wilson: Heidey-ho neighbors.
Jill: Never mind, I'll talk to Wilson instead.
Tim: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna install an escalator.

Al: Didn't you study the manual at all?
Tim: A real man doesn't need a manual.

Wilson: You know Tim, there's an old folk saying. Obsessions are like fire and water. Good servants, but bad masters. See the point is: do you rule your obsession, or does your obsession rule you?
Tim: I know I get crazy about cars, you know. My car, your car, anybody's car. But it's, it's like Bad Masterson said. You can't get obsessed the way old people drive through water, if their servants are on fire.

Tim: Wilson, swallow a pigeon?
Wilson: No Tim. I'm ululating.
Tim: I didn't know men could do that.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. Ululating is a Middle Eastern custom expressing joy and sorrow.
Tim: What are you expressing now?
Wilson: Sorrow, because I can't ululate.

Randy: It's not junk, it's Heavy Metal.
Tim: It sounds like they banging their heads on their guitars while they're getting their teeth drilled.
Randy: Hey, cool, you saw the video.

Tim: I do things with both of the guys, you know. Brad and I like to go to sporting events, work on the hot rod and build stuff with my tools. Randy and I joke. I make jokes, he makes jokes, we make jokes. The jokes go back and forth. He jokes, I joke, there's a lot of jokes going on.
Wilson: Sounds like you share your jocularity.
Tim: No, he couldn't fit into mine.

Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what the Chinese philosopher Chuang Tse said. You cannot speak of the ocean to a well frog, you cannot speak of ice to a summer insect.
Tim: Well this ancient Chinese ice-cream salesman, Yung Su, found that frozen frogs and wet insects couldn't talk cuz they were colder'n one another.

[in song]
Wilson: I told my baby how I was feeling.
Tim: A big wooden ball fell down from the ceiling.
Wilson: Now we're gonna have a discussion.
Tim: Cuz my baby gave me a concussion.
Wilson & Tim: We got the low down croquet ball blues.

[Tim becomes jealous after reading about some very strong guys in one of her books and wants to impress Jill, so he lifts her chest of books, and breaks his 'favorite muscle' (groin). Tim then says she did it from jumping in his arms. Then Mark tells Jill what really happened]
Wilson: It's like the old chinese proverb...a great lover isn't one that impresses a different woman every night. A great lover is someone who impresses the same woman for a lifetime.
[Tim has been building a machine that lifts people on cables. He uses it to 'fly' up the window to Jill]
Tim: Jill, I've realized I don't need a different Chinese woman every night. I just need You!

Tim: (to Randy) Here's an answer, a week. What's the question? (pauses for a few seconds, making a game show buzzer sound) Too late. The question is "How long I'm going to be grounded for?".

Tim We are inside the navy control center abord the USS Constellation. These guys have a huge responsibility. (to control man) See, when my computer does this at home, you have to put the cursor over here...(pushes buttons; ALERT flashes on screen)
Captain Tim! You just declared war on Finland!

Antonio the Waiter

[Tim asks Antonio about his attitude.]
Tim We've been coming here for 15 years. Is there a chance we can get something besides the attitude?
Antonio When you go to another restaurant.

[Tim takes a call from his mechanic and Jill walks out as a bottle of champagne arrives for their anniversary dinner.]
Antonio What do you know? Champagne for one costs the same as champagne for two.

[Tim and Jill leave the restaurant without ordering any dinner.]
Antonio I hope the free dinner rolls were to your satisfaction.

[Heidi finds out her husband Scott is cheating on her.]
Antonio I'm guessing he's stuffing her cannoli.

[Randy and Lauren order water to drink.]
Antonio Here we go, two free waters. (walks away) Big tip coming my way.