Home Movies

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Home Movies (1999-2004) is a dialogue-driven animated series about 8-year-old Brendon Small (voiced by the creator, head writer, and lead musician of Home Movies, Brendon Small), who makes films with his friends, Melissa and Jason, in his spare time. He lives with his divorced mother, Paula, and his adopted baby sister, Josie.

Contents

Season 1

Get Away From My Mom [1.01]

Coach McGuirk: I've got trademark products all over my body because I was drunk one night. Don't live like me.

Coach McGuirk: I swear to God I'm gonna come down hard on you on Monday. It's gonna be like a friggin' hurricane.

Jason Penopolis: People hate me!



  • Brendon Small: And demand number two--

Melissa Robbins and Jason Penopolis: Three.

Brendon: Three. Pizzaaaaaa!

All: Yay!



Jason: How come we're in France?
Brendon: Because, that's where...dramatic scenes...take place.



Coach McGuirk: You know, I mean, uh, kids don't want to do anything. You know, in my experience, Paula? Kids are always like "I don't wanna do that!" I consider my job to kinda twist them in the direction of doing stuff. I mean that's what coaching's all about. That's why I love it. Every day I go out there and I twist the kids into doing something they don't wanna do!



Brendon: Hey everybody, guess what? McGuirk's gonna come after your moms!



Melissa: It's all my fault! It should be me behind bars with a French, stupid guard, not you!
Brendon: Yes! I agree, mother! You're a horrible person!

I Don't Do Well In Parent-Teacher Conferences [1.02]

Paula: Brendon, Mr. Lynch called.
'Brendon: Oh, Jesus.

  • Mr. Lynch: You make your little movies. Right?

Brendon: Yes
Mr. Lynch: That takes a little thought right?
Brendon: YES!



  • Mr. Lynch: You are not doing well at any subject and uh if you continue on this path. You will be in the fourth grade for the next four years.



  • Melissa: Well maybe stop thinking about yourself for a minute and how do you think it's going to be for me, If you have to stay in the fourth grade.

Brendon: And you're in fifth?
Melissa: Well yeah I'm going to be in fifth. I'm not getting left back.
Brendon: You can get held back with me.
Melissa: Well I'm not as good at not doing my work as you are.
Brendon: Didn't think about that.



  • Brendon: (as speech giver) As far as the annual report goes I don't have it on me and a Ohhh. In the mean time I would Oohhh Boy I think I might be turning into a monster!!
(Brendon transforms into Jason, dressed like monster)
  • Jason: Auggggh! Auggggh! I'm a Mon-Ster!
  • Melissa: Help!
  • Brendon: (as guy in a hat) Hey! He's using telekinisis!
  • Jason: That's right! I'm using telekinisis! I'll burn you all up and make you crispy!
  • Melissa: My flesh is getting hot!

Coach McGuirk: You know Lynch, uh, it's funny when I talk to you, I get a little uncomfortable because I feel like you're being condescending to me, and I hope that's not the case, because if it is, I'm gonna kick your ass, and if it isn't, let's clear it up right now. So, you can tell me whether you're being condescending to me whenever we speak, and if you say yes, I'm gonna beat you up right here in the faculty lounge, and if you say no then I'm going to, uh, say, "Fine." Alright? You being condescending right now?
Mr. Lynch: Hmm.

  • Jason: Excuse me monster coming through. Coming through, how you doin'?

Melissa: Aim for his heart. Aim for his heart!
Brendon: Fire!
Jason: Ahhh!
Melissa: Direct Hit.
Jason: Ahh! Maybe you should look at yourself before you take it out on me. I'm just one monster and when I'm gone! You'll remember me! Ooow! Oww! And then you'll have to at yourselves. And own up to what you've done. For isn't every man a monster!
Brendon: I guess he's right! I guess we're all!
Jason: Your damn right I'm right!
Brendon: Yea Yeah I know!
Jason: Stop shooting!
Brendon: Ok! Hey guys!
Jason: Don't you realize that if you stop now I might be able to get surgury!
Brendon: Uhh yeah I'm going to tell them hold on.
Jason: Tell the guy that's shooting to stop shooting!
Brendon: Who's shooting!?!
Jason: Oh for god's sakes, tell 'em to stop!
Brendon: I'm trying!
Jason: I mean hello!
Brendon: I know!
Jason: Do you have any control of your people!?!?!
Brendon: I..I Who's shooting?!? Please stop!
Jason: Ah forget it, leave him alone. I'll just die!



  • Jason: Kill you first! Kill you first, lady!



  • (Brendon showing his video for his project)

Brendon On Video: Kubrick, Scorsese, Ogman, Spielberg, Lucas. They are all fabuolous directors and everything single one of them had a tutor. Just like me. Thank you very much. I hope you enjoyed my speech. Back to you Brendon.
Brendon: Thank you Brendon. Good work up there by the way.
Brendon On Video: Thanks. How are you doing?
Brendon: Fine. How are you doing?
Brendon On Video: Fine. Mr. Lynch.
Mr. Lynch: Brendon.
Brendon On Video: Ha Ha!
Brendon: What's this a glass of water?
(Brendon drinks it and puts his arm behind the tv)
Brendon On Video: Oh say can you see. By the dawn's early light.

The Art Of The Sucker Punch [1.03]

Paula: This isn't a Water Pic

Brendon: I'd like to make an appointment, with you if you're free, on Wednesday. Shannon: About what time? Brendon: I'm thinking maybe 3:30. Alright keep that open. Shannon: What's this about? Brendon: I'm going to pound the crap out of you.

Jason: What happens after you punch his butt a second time? Brendon: I'm gonna probably kick him. Jason: Kick him! Where you gonna kick him? Brendon: I'm gonna go for the butt again. Jason: Okay. Let's get away from the butt.

Paula: Someday, Brendon, you're gonna be with a woman, or a man, who likes you just for you. Brendon: Or both. Who knows, mom. I'm young. Don't start forcing roles on me.

McGuirk: You want to catch him off guard. Show me what you'd do. Brendon: (Singing) Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful... McGuirk: No, that was more weird, I would of expected a shove or something.

Brendon Gets Rabies [1.04]

Yoko [1.05]

  • McGuirk: Oh shit, I thought about grapes again.

Eugene: I pee in coach canteen.
McGuirk: (after drinking pee from his canteen and trying to eat turkey to get rid of the taste) Ugh, it tastes like pee turkey.

Director's Cut [1.06]

  • Jason: Hey Brendon, can I be a bug?

Jason [As Louis Braille]: I'm going to get a house with a nice view of the ocean.
Brendon [As Louis Pasteur]: But you're blind.
Jason: Well, my entire family isn't blind. Did you ever think of that?
Brendon: Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.


Brendon [As Louis Pasteur]: We are two great men from France, both named Louis!


From Dwayne's Franz Kafka rock opera:

Livin' like a bug ain't easy
My old clothes don't seem to fit me
I got little tiny bug feet
I don't really know what bugs eat
Don't want no one steppin' on me
Now I'm sympathizin' with fleas

It Was Supposed to be Funny [1.07]

  • [Filming a series of dating videos.]

McGuirk: The woman I'm looking for I guess is the one still watching this video.
[Camera cuts to Erik.]
Erik: My ideal woman is one who cares about the world plus fifteen percent.
[Camera cuts to Jason, who is picking his nose.]
[Camera cuts to Brendon.]
Brendon: I'd like a tall woman. About my height.
[Camera cuts to Melissa's Grandad.]
Melissa's Grandad: I want a young woman who can cut my toe nails.
[Camera cuts to Erik.]
Erik: I want a woman who cares about me and not my money... Although I'll give you fifty dollars.

Method Of Acting [1.08]

Life Through A Fish Eye Lens [1.09]

School Nurse [1.10]

Mortgages And Marbles [1.11]

Law & Boarders [1.12]

Coach McGuirk: Your honor might I suggest a spanking on his tush tush?


Judge: So you were riding your bike on the wrong side of the street. What were you thinking, Brendon?
Brendon: Nothing. Oh, wait, I was trying to remember the name of the guy who played Tron, in Tron.


Judge: You say one more word and I'll hold you in contempt.
Coach McGuirk: Oh, it was Bruce Boxleitner.
Brendon: Right! Thank you!


[Melissa and Jason continue to argue over the jokes for their script]
Brendon: You know what? This is hard, and I think I hate doing this.


Brendon: OK, I'll do the community service. And Mom, I'll help you pay for the damages. But let me say this: I have learned absolutely nothing. Good day.
Judge: Brendon...
Brendon: I believe I said good day!

Brendon's Choice [1.13]

Melissa Robbins: You had an affair? And now she's trying to kill us? How could you?
Brendon: I'm sorry.
Melissa Robbins: Who is she?
Brendon: Just some woman.
Melissa Robbins: Is it because I'm fat?
Brendon: No... In fact, she's fat too.

[Brendon, Melissa and Jason have won a trophy for Best Young Filmmakers of the Year]
Brendon: All right, uh, so I'll keep it for the first day, Melissa, uh, keeps it for the second
day, and Jason will keep it for the third day, and we'll keep doing it like that for...
the rest of our lives.
Melissa Robbins: Okay.
Jason: What if, um, one of us gets hit by a car and then it gets mangled?
Brendon: Then you miss your turn.

Dixie Smithley: Excuse me... hi! Hi! I'm Dixie Smithley from Channel 1 News and I wanted to congratulate you kids on your award!
Brendon: Oh!...
Dixie Smithley: I'd love to do a piece on you three kids!
Jason: You mean, um... beat us up?

Season 2

Politics [2.01]

Paula: So... what were you saying?
Brendon: Move the flowers.
Paula: No, before that.
Brendon: This meatloaf is dry.
Paula: No, before that.
Brendon: This is meatloaf?
Paula: No, before that.
Brendon: This fish is dry.


[Brendon films a movie starring Melissa and Jason as Bonnie and Clyde, who are trying to steal a car using a coat hanger]
Jason: This isn't working. I can't get into the car.
Melissa: I thought you were a criminal!
Jason: I am a criminal. I stole the coat hanger, didn't I?

Identifying a Body [2.02]

  • Coach John McGuirk: This sausage is probably eighteen years old... This sausage could vote. It could go to war and die for its country.

Hiatus [2.03]

Business & Pleasure [2.04]

The Party [2.05]

  • Coach John McGuirk: Alright let the games begin. Jolly Jeepers this sucks.



  • Brendon: "Who is Fenton Mulley? I mean, Fenton sounds like a drug to take care of a rash or something... Honk, Honk!"
Fenton: "Not that funny."



  • Melissa: Everybody is staring at you Jason. Stop it.
Jason: [Mocking.] "Everybody is staring at you Jason. Stop it." Everybody is looking at you Melissa and your stupid rich bitch dress.



  • Junior: The Skunk Scouts are like a second family to me; a family that all wear the same clothes.

Brendon: Well I would have to be like ultimate skunk commander or something.
Junior: Oh you have to earn that. You see this badge, I got this badge for earning that badge.


Brendon: [narrating video] Fenton is... thoughtful.
Girl in Duck Sweater: Do you like my new sweater?
Fenton Mulley: Is it supposed to be UGLY?

Brendon: [narrating video] Fenton is... generous.
Fenton Mulley: [playing tug-of-war with doll] It's MINE !
Perry: I just want to look at it!
Fenton Mulley: I don't care! It's MINE ! Don't look at it!
Perry: WALTER? W-where ARE you?

Brendon: [narrating video] Fenton is... grateful.
Fenton Mulley: It's not great at all! I want pony rides!
Fenton's Mom: Renting a pony was too expensive, Fenton. Maybe next year.
Fenton Mulley: MAYBE NEXT YEAR? I want pony rides THIS YEAR!
Fenton's Mom: But the magician was supposed to be the...
Fenton Mulley: [interrupting] HE SUCKS, MOM!
Fenton's Mom: [shocked] Fenton!
Fenton Mulley: You know what, Mom?
Fenton's Mom: [nearly in tears] What, honey?
Fenton Mulley: I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!
Fenton's Mom: [breaking down] Oh, Fenton!

Impressions [2.06]

Dad [2.07]

Therapy [2.08]

McGuirk: Here's a piece of advice, Brendon. There is no such thing as psychology. It's all just made up crap. They're all con-men, all of them, even the women. Just remember that when they tell you how screwed up you are.

Brendon: Okay.

McGuirk:And, um, let me tell you something else. Astronomy...is b/s too. All that star crap is ridiculous.

Brendon: But there are stars.

McGuirk: Whatever, Brendon.

-

Brendon:Did you ever go to a therapist?

McGuirk:Well, ya, sometimes you gotta do certain things to reenter society.

Class Trip [2.09]

History [2.10]

the lyrics to Mr.pants rap

I’m Mr. Pants and I’m coming to get ya’ Better run for your life, you better run or I’ll get ya’ I got paws like a cat cause that’s what I am I’ll throw up on your carpet and scratch up your hands I 'm the roughest toughest kitty in the land My name is Mr. Pants I’m the kitty cat man Nobody’s gonna stop me from having my way My name is Mr. Pants and have a nice day


You’ll scream for your life cause you won’t be happy My name is Mr. Pants and I’m actually kind of grabby Mr. Pants is my name and I’d like to say hi Give me a call we’ll hang out some time I’m Mr. Pants!

I’m the furry fella getting in the land My name is Mr. Pants I’m the kitty cat man Nobody’s gonna stop me from having my way My name is Mr. Pants and have a nice day…

Mr. Pants!!!

Writer's Block [2.11]

  • McGuirk: DVD PLAYER!!!!
  • Walter and Perry: we hate fenton, we hate fenton.

Pizza Club [2.12]

“How's the documentary?” "Good" “How's Cynthia?” "Hates me." "Good, everything seems to be in order then." "Acually, the way I had it originally planned is that she would like me instead of hate. I somehow mixed it up." "Ah." "Yeah." "You accidentally made her hate you instead of like you?" "Yes I must have mixed something up.” “Hmm, sometimes that happens, a classic problem. Did you uh, try too hard around her?” “Yes, I tried very hard, I tried very, very hard.” “It didn’t work? Have you been acting weird around her?” “Yes!” “Unnatural? Did you try acting unnatural y?” “Yes! I rehearsed.” “Right. Did you blurt stuff out you didn’t mean?” “Yes! I figured, ‘I’m gonna make myself more memorable.’” “Mmhmm, right. So she’s never seen you relaxed?” “No, she’s never seen me-No. And she still hates me!” “Hmm, well have you told her how you feel about her?” “Hahahahaha, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

The Wedding [2.13]

Season 3

Shore Leave [3.01]

[Melissa is in the mall selling items in her Fairy Princess costume.]
McGuirk: Give me those wings.
Melissa: No, I'll get in trouble. Coach, please.
McGuirk: No. Coach wants to fly away.
Melissa: Coach, are you drunk?
McGuirk: Yeah, that's why I came to the mall.


{Melissa, Jason and Brendon are in their movies about two mates and a captain on shore leave, with Melissa as the captian}

Melissa: I gots a better idea what we can do! Let's punch out some scumsuckers, and get drunk, and pee out the window! Then seduce women! Lots of women!

Jason: What window?

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do [3.02]

Bad Influences [3.03]

Improving Your Life Through Improv [3.04]

Four's Company [3.05]

Renaissance [3.06]

My Cheatin' Heart [3.07]

Guitarmageddon [3.08]

  • McGuirk: What the hell is wrong with you people. Are you on drugs?

Brendon: No.
Melissa: No.
McGuirk: With all the nicknames. What are those, drug nicknames?
Melissa: They're band nicknames.

Storm Warning [3.09]

Perry: Sounds trite.
Walter: Yeah, it sounds like it's been done before.
Paula: No, I don't think so...
Walter: Lame!
Perry: Double Lame-o!
Walter: Yeah!
Perry: Double Lame-O Donkey D*ck!
Walter: Sucking on the Witch's T*t!
(Walter and Perry embrace and fall down, laughing)

Time To Pay The Price [3.10]

Broken Dreams [3.11]

Jason: I'm Melissa.

Stowaway [3.12]

Coffins And Cradles [3.13]

Coach McGuirk: I'm a Big Beautiful woman..... These are Chunky Soup Cans. (As he grabs his bra)

Brendan to Melissa: You read a book a month? Man, it would take me like a year to read a book a month.

Coach McGuirk: One plus two equals McGuirk. Two plus four equals she's hot. Six minus four equals McGuirk's happy.


Brendon: KNOCK, KNOCK!

Linda in labor: WHO'S THERE?!

Brendon: FUCK YOU!!

Linda in Labor: FUCK YOU WHO?!

Season 4

Everyone's Entitled To My Opinion [4.01]

McGuirk: What else are ya gonna do, Lynch? Are you gonna spank me? Spank me.

Lynch: McGuirk...

McGuirk: [pulls down pants] Here. Here it is, spank it.

Camp [4.02]

  • Brendon: I can't believe the water is hotter than the air!

Jason: Shut up Brendon, I'm peeing.

Bye, Bye Greasy [4.03]

  • Melissa: I am Noodles. How's it goin'.

  • Fenton: He punched me.

Mr. Lynch: Who did?
Brendon: Fenton.
Fenton: Uh, me did. It's a lighting thing.

The Heart Smashers [4.04]

The Wizard's Baker [4.05]

  • Coach McGuirk: It's Spaghetti Time!

Psycho-Delicate [4.06]

Curses [4.07]

Honkey Magoo [4.08]

Those Bitches Tried To Cheat Me [4.09]

Cho & The Adventures Of Amy Lee [4.10]

Definite Possible Murder [4.11]

Brendan-Did you just say "weeeow?"


Melissa: That's insane you don't have any poof. Brendon: Poof? Melissa: Proof! Jason: Weeow!

Temporary Blindness [4.12]

Doctor-Well what time is there? McGuirk-What do you mean what time is it there??? What time zone are you in!!! Doctor-Don't call this number again

Focus Grill [4.13]

  • Jason: So are there any questions or comments?

Junior: Well, that was not so great, but it was better than that fairy princess bull-shit.
Melissa: Hey!
Fenton: Um, that's not a twist, it's just stupid.
Jason: Save it for the comment card Fenton.
Fenton: I'm sorry, but it was bad.
Brendon: Fenton, we know you have opinions, but if you could keep them to yourself that would be great.
Fenton: Well, what's the point of having a screening if we don't keep our opinions to ourselves. You just don't want to hear criticism that it was bad.
Walter: I have an idea! What if in the end me and Perry...
Perry: Uh huh.
Walter: Walk up to the front of the camera...
Perry: I like it, I like it.
Walter: And dance like this.
[They dance like the peanuts]



  • Fenton: Don't touch me.

Junior: This guy needs to loosen up, and you know what I think Walter and Perry. MAKEOVER!
Walter: I hear that!
Perry: Me too.
Fenton: Don't touch my hair.
Junior: I've been looking at you this entire focus group Fenton, and I have to give you a facial scrub so bad.
Walter: And your hair needs some gel.
Perry: I want to pluck your eye-brows so bad.
Fenton: I don't even know what you guys are talking about you morons. Clean up your own backyards.
Walter and Perry: Clean up our own backyards?
Brendon: Get out of here!



  • Melissa: Alright we get the point.

Fenton: No I don't think you do.
Junior: Horrible.
Fenton: Terrible.
Junior: Boo.
Brendon: What the hell do you guys know about anything?
Walter: Don't get mad at us, Brendon. We're your audience.
Perry: Yeah, you need us.

Unknown episodes

  • McGuirk: Life sucks, Brendon. That's your lesson. Go enjoy it.

External links

Wikipedia
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