Homer Simpson

From Quotes
Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it.
Curtis Judalet
Jump to: navigation, search
Merge-arrow.svg
It has been suggested that this article or section be merged into The Simpsons. (Discuss)

Homer Simpson is one of the main characters in the animated television series The Simpsons.

Quotes

  • D'oh!
  • BART!
  • Shut up, boy. [muttered to Bart whenever he says something that gets Homer in trouble]
  • Why, you little--!!! [often followed by Homer's attempt to strangle (in most cases) Bart]
  • Woohoo!
  • Y'ello?
  • A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool, like a butcher's knife, or a harpoon, or an alligator.
  • [to Bart, about relationships] A woman is a lot like a... [looks around] a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300lbs. They make ice and, um... [spots his can of Duff] Oh, waitaminute... Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can't stop at one. You gotta drink another woman! [downs another beer] And another. [10 beers later] And so I says, "Yeah? You wanna rip...?” [passes out]
  • AH! Mr. Burns!
  • Ah! Tom Arnold! What's the hell's going on?!
  • Ah, ha ha! Look at that jerk! He dropped his notes! AH, HA HA!
  • Ah, the Luftwaffe. The Washington Generals of the History Channel.
  • Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
  • HOMER MAD!! HOMER SMASH! GET REVENGE ON WORLD!!
  • DIE MONSTER!!! [strangles Bart]
  • I love you, Boy.
  • [drinking Duff beer] Ah... you can really taste the goat.
  • Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!
  • All I wanted was a second honeymoon, and now the floor is made of lava!
  • All my life I've had one dream... to achieve my many goals.
  • All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
  • All right, Mr. Burns.
  • All right scale, you don't like me and I don't like you. But I've been very good, so you'd better treat me right!
  • All right book, you didn't read me and I didn't read you! But we're in this together now! So say something smart or get ready to run like Hell!
  • Always remember that you’re representing your country... I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.
  • Always submit to peer pressure.
  • America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.
  • (to Bart) And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight to the army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.
  • Are you sure you're an accredited and bonded pornographer?
  • Are you hugging the TV?
  • As long as he has eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. (While holding a newborn Bart)
  • Aw, Dad... you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless, aren't they? Aren't they? [he tickles Abe, who laughs]
  • Aw, twenty dollars... I wanted a peanut.
  • Back, you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me! And, uh, maybe the boy!
  • Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love?
  • Bart! You wanna see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?!
  • Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
  • Beat the lumps, beat the lumps, beat the lumps.
  • Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.
  • Beer, beer, beer, bed, bed, bed...
  • Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
  • Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
  • Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie... Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.
  • (After being caught trying to smuggle a baby panda) But he loves me! (Panda bites him) OW! Why, I'll endanger you! (starts strangling the panda)
  • But Marge, it's uter-US, not uter-YOU!
  • But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
  • But I can't be a missionary. I don't even believe in Jebus.
  • (drunk)But I don't wanna go home yet. I'm not done talking to me.
  • Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellow card in the box?
  • (snoring and talking in his sleep during Frank Grimes' funeral service) Change the channel, Marge.
  • Check and mate. Now king me!
  • Come here, Apu. If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another... until you just wish Flanders was dead.
  • Come on Lisa! Monkeys!
  • Dear God of England, please get me out of this. If you do, I promise to spell the word 'color' with a U, and use the metric system with every cubic milliliter of blood in my... oh, I can't do it! It's so stupid!
  • Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and for the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is and I won't ask for anything more. If that is ok, please give me absolutely no sign. (pause) Deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. (pause) Thy will be done. (pigs out on the cookies)
  • [about Lisa] Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!
  • Did you know that in Massachusetts it's legal to marry your son?
  • 'Distracted'... now that's a funny word. Does anyone ever get 'tracted'? I'll call the suicide hotline and find out.
  • D'oh! Nuts. Mmmm... donuts.
  • [after seeing a giant glass dome being placed over Springfield] D'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHME!!!!!
  • Do I know what rhetorical means?
  • Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju.
  • Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.
  • Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. (long pause) Well... g'night!
  • Don't hassle the dead, boy. They have eerie powers.
  • Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.
  • Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now, laughing it up with all the other celebrities. John Dillinger. Ty Cobb. Joseph Stalin. (sighing) I wish I were dead.
  • Don't you know the saying? 'Water water everywhere, so let's all have a drink.'
  • Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gum-ball machine?
  • Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
  • (to Bart) Emancipated?! Don't you like being a dude?
  • (building a barbecue pit) English side ruined, must use... French instructions! 'Le grille'... What the hell is that?!
  • Earth to Marge, earth to Marge. I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.
  • [in an insanity test, Homer is shown an inkblot] Er, the devil with his fly open. [he is shown another] Uh, that's a spill on the floor with bugs going after it. They're gonna eat it. [he is shown another, which looks like Bart] THE BOY!!! [angrily reaches for the inkblot, but gets restrained by two orderlies]
  • Enough. I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing. Bring me my ranch dressing hose!
  • Everyone knows I'm what makes this town great!
  • (pretending to be Mr. Burns) Exactly, heh-heh... [pause] D'oh!
  • (looking at a beer can in his hand) Expand my brain, learning juice!
  • Extended warranty? How could I lose?
  • Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
  • First you don't want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!
  • First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
  • First you gotta shriek like a woman, then keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust... and that's when it's time to kick some back!
  • Fine I admit it! I'm Drunk!
  • "Finally! A dead guy's clothes that actually fit me!"
  • For you, I'll be as dull as Dilbert.
  • [Describing his drive to work] Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.
  • Get lost, Flanders!
  • [telling Bart about how he avoided jury duty] The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
  • [reading a sign saying 'Gym'] Gime? What's a gime? (walking inside and seeing bodybuilders using dumbbells and men on treadmills) Oh... a gime.
  • God bless America.
  • God bless those pagans.
  • God can't be everywhere, right?
  • Good things don't end in 'eum', they end in 'mania'... or 'teria'.
  • Good things DO happen to bad people!
  • Goodbye, Bart... (thinking of something nice to say to him) I like your sheets.
  • Goodbye, Lisa. Remember me as I am... filled with murderous rage!
  • (drunk) Guess how many boobs I saw today? Fifteen!
  • Have you ever heard of jetlag? (enunciating) JET... LAG?!
  • [about Bart horse-racing] He better win, because if he doesn't, it's a trip to the glue factory. And he isn't coming!
  • [angry at Mr. Burns] HE CAN'T REMEMBER MY NAME!
  • [on the phone] Hello, Thailand? How's everything on your end? (listens) Uh huh. That's some language you got there. (chuckling) And you talk like that 24/7, huh?
  • He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life.
  • Help me, Jebus!
  • Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."
  • Here in France, no one calls me a 'fat jerk'. I'm a 'gourmand'.
  • Hey! Fatherhood is no picnic either! I work long-terms with no over-pay, and all I get in the end is someone saying "You screwed me up!"
  • Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I HATE when people do that!
  • Hey, I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here!
  • Hey, if you don't like it, go to Russia.
  • Hey, look at this! (he reads some grafitti about Principal Skinner that Bart had wrote) "I am a weiner." Heh-heh, he sure is!
  • Hi, I'll take one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields [quickly] and some illegal fireworks [slowly] and one of those disposable enemas. Wait, make it two.
  • Hmm... fabulous house, well behaved kids, sisters in law dead, luxury sedan... Wohooo! I hit the jackpot!
  • Hmmm... I don't approve of his Bart-killing policy... but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy! [subsequently votes for Sideshow Bob]
  • (sees a sign that says "If you can read this sign, you are over-quallified") Hmm, interesting... Marge, what does that sign say?
  • HOMER MAD! HOMER SMASH! GET REVENGE ON WORLD!!!
  • Homer no function beer well without...
  • How come the things that usually happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!
  • How could you do this to me, Moe? This bar was going under and it was my drink that saved it! If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise!
  • (talking about a private eye) How ironic. Now he's blind after a life of being able to see.
  • [to Bart] How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? [the chair he is sitting on breaks] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!
  • I am a GOD!
  • (After burning his high school diploma) (singing) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!
  • I believe children are the future... unless we stop them now!
  • I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
  • "I can't believe I ate the whole thing" (senior quote in high school yearbook).
  • I can't believe reading and writing paid off!
  • (talking about balcony collapse) I don't care about BC, I care about ME: My Enjoyment!
  • I didn't need that fact... now I forgot who won Bud Bowl 8.
  • I don't have to be careful, I got a gun!
  • I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying... but not when I'm telling the truth!
  • I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go... I'll just say yes!
  • I don't want to go out like Elmo: hanging himself in his cell.
  • I feel like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft!
  • I got free Skybox tickets! And with only a 15% loss of my brain functions! Life is...
  • I have misplaced my pants.
  • I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?
  • I hope he tells us to burn our pants; these things are drivin' me nuts!
  • I hope I didn't brain my damage...
  • I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fuh-LAMING!
  • I'm going to get my revenge if it's the last thing I do! And if I get caught, I'm blaming the baby like the time I shot Mr.Burns!
  • I may occasionally kill out of anger or to illustrate a point, but I am not a Grim Reaper!
  • I must have a guardian angel... with a rifle!
  • I saw Krabapple's butt...I pay!
  • I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called... The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.
  • I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff... and I want in.
  • I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
  • [while strung up with a fish hook in his nose after burning down a dock] I think the hook is touching my brain... bobble poonum pachowi, package board baby, bordle bordle bordle...
  • I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things. Bart experienced that at the age of four.
  • I thought I had an appetite for destruction... but all I wanted was a club sandwich!
  • I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-ry day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.
  • I want to share something with you. The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss! Number three: It was like that when I got here.
  • I wasn't asleep! I was drunk!
  • (upon witnessing a meteor shower) I wish God was alive to see this.
  • I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold... and eaten.
  • I won't apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way that I am.
  • I won't lie to you. Fatherhood isn't as easy as motherhood.
  • I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs to unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping be... g'night.
  • I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
  • If God didn't want us to eat cows then he wouldn't have made 'em out of meat.
  • If God didn't want us to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.
  • If it's about laying off the Guatemalan insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of ya!
  • If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. Ah, Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt? (chuckles)
  • If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing! You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle, and we'll go inside and watch TV.
  • If I don't see it, it's not illegal!
  • If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.
  • If it tastes good, it must be good for ya!
  • If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're gravely mistaken!
  • If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
  • If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
  • If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way.
  • If you're gonna get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things (walks into a door)'.
  • Impeach Churchill!
  • I'll mace you good! (to Bart, brandishing a merciless mace)
  • I'll make sure you Christian Fundamentalists control everything by the 21st century!
  • I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
  • (in New York) I'm getting out of this city alive if it kills me!
  • I'm going to act how America acts best... unilaterally!
  • I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love. And I won't be back for ten minutes!
  • I'm gonna die! Jesus, Buddha, Allah - I love y'all!
  • I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to skipping Church!
  • (getting into the car after Oktoberfest) I'm in no condition to drive. Wait, I shouldn't be listening to myself! I'm drunk!
  • I'm like that guy who single-handedly built a rocket and went to the moon. What was his name, Apollo Creed?
  • I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy!
  • I'm no missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus!
  • I'm no super-"genious"... or are I?
  • I'm normally not a praying man. But if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
  • I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids... so why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
  • I'm not going to lie to you, Marge... goodbye!
  • I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system's out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and stick your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge — it's Chinatown!
  • I'm not signing anything until I read it or somebody gives me the gist of it!
  • In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
  • Inseminate myself? Dudes, I think this guy's coming on to me!
  • I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am!
  • I'm the last man alive! AND I CAN DO EVERTHING I'VE ALWAYS WANTED!!!
  • I've always wondered if there was a God, and now I know there is. It's me!
  • [upon hearing that the removal of the crayon in his brain will either increase his brain power or kill him] Increase my killing power, eh? I'll do it!
  • (after a librarian asks if he goes to this elementary school) It certainly appears that i am. Go School!
  • It is better to watch people do stuff than to do stuff.
  • It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!
  • It worked! And there's no brain damage-amage-amage-amage-AMAGE...
  • It's about time trees were good for something, instead of just standing there like jerks!
  • It's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up.
  • [referring to him beating City Hall] It's like David and Goliath! Only this time, David won!
  • IT'S MY FIRST DAY!!!
  • It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
  • It's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get.
  • It's pronounced "nook-yuh-lur".
  • It's true... I'm a rageaholic! I just can't live without rageahol!
  • I've come to hate my own creation! Now I know how God feels!
  • I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.
  • I've never seen Mr. Burns this mad before. And he's always kinda mad.
  • Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
  • Just because I'm wearing a pink shirt doesn't mean I'm some kind of pink doughnut eater... although it is tempting.
  • Just like the bible says: Screw that!
  • Keep walking, Flanders.
  • Kids don't beat me. I beat kids.
  • Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
  • Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
  • Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose. A reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!
  • Kiss my hairy, yellow butt.
  • [at a monster truck rally] Let the destruction begin!
  • Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
  • Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
  • Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals! In the wild they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose, you know, the american dream!
  • (Lisa shows him an ugly drawing of her someone did) Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you would look if you were a cartoon character.
  • Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!
  • (While the Simpsons look after Mr Burns' mansion, Homer tries to claim it for himself) Listen. I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me. Not you, not its rightful owner, not anybody!
  • (Referring to the Cooder family, squatters in the Simpson house) Look at 'em. Watchin' my TV. Sittin on my couch. (yelling to them) You better not be sitting in my ass-groove!!!
  • (drunk) Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us: Marge, Bart, Girl-Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and that fat guy - how I loathe him!
  • (watching TV coverage of the April 15 scramble at the Post Office) Look at those morons. I paid my taxes over a year ago!
  • Lousy bragging, know-it-all show-off.
  • Lousy lovable dog.
  • Lousy laws of physics.
  • Lousy Punk!
  • Lousy rotten, no-good Flanders.
  • Lousy sexy Marge.
  • Lousy stupid Denver.
  • Lousy traumatic childhood.
  • Lousy two-legged pants
  • Marge, are we Jewish?
  • Marge, beer me!
  • Marge, can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain.
  • Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?
  • Marge, I agree with you - in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory.
  • Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everyone wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different!
  • Marge, I found my real dad today! He's great, and he talks like this: [British accent] "Homer, please do that in the loo."
  • Marge, I just realized - I am the "ow" in the word "now". [threateningly] And if you tell anyone...
  • Marge, I think I'd remember my own LIFE!
  • Marge, I'd kill for you! Please ask me to kill for you...
  • Marge, it's 3am. Shouldn't you be baking?
  • Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
  • Marge, I've always loved you. Bart, you were a worthy foe.
  • Marge, let me handle this. (to Jury) Drunken hicks of the jury...
  • Marge, put on a pot of coffee, drink it then start making sandwiches.
  • Marge, someone broke the toilet.
  • Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?
  • Marge, when I join an underground cult, I expect a little support from my family!
  • Marge, where's that... metal thingy... that use to... dig food?
  • Marge, you have my word as a gentleman, and as a lady. Hmmm... Now which rifle should I bring...?
  • Marge, you're as equal as any man. Sometimes when I have sex with you it feels like I am doing it with a dude!
  • [concerning Marge's generous nature] Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much, but you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.
  • Max power, he's the man whose name you'd love to touch, but you mustn't touch. His name sounds good in your ear, but when you say it, you mustn't fear, cause his name can be said, by anyone!
  • Maybe it's just the beer talking Marge, but you've got a butt that won't quit. They've got these big chewy pretzels argwoggkwgo...... 5 dollars? Get outta here...
  • (reading a pamphlet in 1974) Me in a nuclear power plant, (chuckles) KABOOM! (chuckles)
  • Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the baldest of them all?
  • [grabs a box of Neapolitan ice cream] Mmmm, chocolate... [opens box to reveal that the chocolate section is empty and all the others untouched] D'oh! [throws the box away and grabs another] Mmmm, chocolate... [same result] D'OH! Marge, we need some more chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry ice cream!
  • Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plow!
  • My back yard makes my front yard look like an idiot.
  • My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.
  • My job is my identity. If I'm not a safety whatchamajigger, I'm nothing!
  • My sugar is melting! Melting! Oh what a world!
  • Never! Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?!
  • New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes!
  • Not those peanuts... the ones at the bottom.
  • Now for the easiest job for any coach... the cuts.
  • (Marge throws a shuriken into Homer's gun) Now I'm mad! (Marge throws another shuriken into Homer's head) Now I'm blah-sonna-guna-nawona-nenoah-le...
  • Now, son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.
  • Now that happy moment between the time the lie is told and when it is found out.
  • Now we play the waiting game... [several seconds pass] Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!
  • Of all the women in the world, I had to marry Jane Fonda!
  • Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
  • Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible: 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! According to this, everybody's a sinner! Except for this guy.
  • Oh, Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth. The nurses are stealing my money. This thing on my neck is getting bigger."
  • Oh, doctor, I'm crazy! [starts sobbing]
  • Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go to back to that... building...thingy.. where our beds and TV... is.
  • Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man, from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaaaaaaaaaaane! [leaves the room, then pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. [leaves again]
  • Oh! Look at that car burn! Does it get any better than this?!
  • Oh, man! We killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad!
  • Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
  • (upon receiving a death-threat letter written in blood) Oh my God - someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, it's for Bart.
  • (upon meeting Kang and Kodos) Oh my God - space aliens. Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids - eat them!
  • Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close.
  • Oh, no surprise. The fat guy's eating garbage.
  • (Homer sees an empty Duffbeer) Oh no! That sweet beer never got the chance to become my urine!
  • Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Fourfty percent of people know that.
  • Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
  • Oh, those jazz guys are just making that stuff up!
  • Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with yellow gold!
  • Oh, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
  • Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
  • Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer!
  • Once the sun goes down, all the weirdoes turn crazy!
  • Once upon a time there was a hilarious ogre named Shreck III.
  • Once you go Vatican, you never go back again.
  • Ooh, a fresh batch of America balls.
  • Operator, get me Thailand. T, I... and so on.
  • Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  • Our kids keep getting smarter. If we have another kid, he could invent a time machine to go back in time and prevent us from having kids!
  • Outta my way, jerkass!
  • Pffft. Who needs English? I'm never going to England.
  • Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.
  • Quiet down, I can't hear myself think! [thinking] I want some peanuts. [speaking] That's better!
  • Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
  • Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
  • Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? Well, that's nothing, because YOU have a GAMBLING problem!
  • Rock stars, is there anything they don't know?
  • Save me, Duffman!
  • Save me Jebus!
  • (Scolding Lisa who is playing with the perpetual motion machine she has made) OK, young lady, I have had it with you. In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics
  • Screw Flanders!
  • [singsong] Shaving my shoulders... I'm getting it all shaved off...
  • Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!
  • SHUT UP, FLANDERS!!!!!!
  • (to the Flinstones theme) Simpson, Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree- Ahhhh!
  • Snakes: nature's quitters.
  • So a few people won't get a few letters, boo hoo! You know the kind of stuff people write: "Dear somebody you never heard of, how was so and so? Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, Yours Truly, Some Bozo." Big loss!
  • [drunk] So I say, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end!
  • [after Marge appears in a magic show] So she was made of chimps!
  • Some people say I look like Dan Aykroyd.
  • [after Marge yells at him and Bart] Son, your mother makes a very loud point.
  • Spider pig, spider pig, does whatever a spider pig does. Can he swing, from a web? No he can't, he's a pig. Look out! He's a spider pig.
  • Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Where was I? Oh yeah -- stay out of my booze!
  • Stupid Flanders! You're a genius.
  • Stupid Flounders! (after fish stole his lawn chairs)
  • Stupid gravity!
  • Stupid horse! It's a deer crossing!
  • Stupid ice. I always knew I'd die encased in something.
  • Stupid poetic justice!
  • Stupid sexy Flanders.
  • Stupid TV! Be more funny!
  • SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!! MY CAR!!!
  • Take that, Lisa's beliefs!
  • Television: teacher, mother, secret lover.
  • That's all the thanks I et cetera.
  • That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college!
  • That's it, kids. Suckle Daddy's sugar-ball.
  • That's a nice-a donut.
  • That's not America! That's not even Mexico.
  • That's okay honey, I've been called a greasy thug, too. It never stops hurting. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna grease ourselves up real good and trash that place with a baseball bat!
  • That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth.
  • The bees are on the what now?
  • The Burns Mansion! That's Mr. Burns's Mansion!
  • The food was not undelicious.
  • The reason I look unhappy is because tonight, I have to watch a slideshow starring my wife's sisters - or as I call them, "The Gruesome Twosome."
  • The good book, on tape? Ooh, as read by Larry King!
  • The hunter has become the hunter.
  • The internet? Is that thing still around?!
  • The internet wasn't created for mockery, it was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was!
  • "The Leader"? Who the hell is that, some sort of leader?!
  • The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! [shouting to Heaven] Oh vengeful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!
  • The only danger in space is if we land on that horrible Planet of the Apes. [realising] Wait a minute... the Statue of Liberty ... That was our planet! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! OH, DAMN YOU! GODDAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
  • The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
  • The only thing that makes bacon even more delicious, is to see how it's made!
  • [to Maggie] The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.
  • The strong must protect the sweet.
  • The sun?! That's the hottest place on Earth!
  • [About the Spinemelter 2000, a vibrating chair which he likes riding] There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends. I think this chair is the answer.
  • There's so much I don't know about astrophysics! I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.
  • Then I figured out we could just stick them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.
  • [to Marge] They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.
  • [After Bart catches the winning ball at a little league game] THIS MAKES UP FOR EVERYTHING THAT'S GONE WRONG IN MY LIFE - OR EVER WILL!!!!!
  • Three simple words: I AM DRUNK!
  • To be loved, you have to be nice to others EVERYDAY! To be hated, you don't have to do squat. [advising Mr. Burns]
  • "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?! I see "Kuh-tor-ull", "Esc", and "Pig-Up", but I don't see the "Any" key! Woah, all this computer hacking is making me thirsty, I think I'll order a tab... (Presses tab key) Ooh, too late for that now, the computer's starting!
  • Trying is the first step towards failure.
  • Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.
  • Unguarded breakfasts - the sweetest taboo.
  • (In Japan & China)U-S-A! U-S-A!
  • [to Flanders] Uh, this is a meeting of gay witches for abortions. You wouldn’t be interested.
  • Wait a minute... I'm in no condition to drive... hmm... Hey, I'm drunk! I shouldn't listen to myself!
  • Wake up, everybody! It's World War III!
  • Weaseling out of things is important to learn! It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel...
  • [about Jesus wearing sandals] Well, maybe if he had had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him!
  • Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons.
  • Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
  • We're goin' bowling. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!
  • Whaddaya mean you lost him?! He might have fallen into one of these machines! [sees Bart's hat atop a garbage cube] Oh, my God - that's his lucky red hat... He's a box! My boy's a BOX! DAMN YOU, A BOX!!!
  • What am I gonna do? I'VE MURDERED US ALL!!! [echoes] SHUT UP!!! [echoes] D'OH!!! [echoes]
  • [to Mr. Burns] What are you gonna do? Release the dogs?! Or the bees?! Or dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?!
  • What do we need a psychiatrist for?! We know our kid is nuts!
  • (giving a lecture on marriage) What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "The process of removing weeds from one's garden."
  • What's keeping Joan Rivers alive?
  • (after just waking up) What's wrong? House ran away? Dog on fire?
  • When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong! And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
  • When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
  • Why, Marge, I do believe you're supposed to scratch your ASS with it!
  • Why won't anyone believe my crazy story?!
  • Why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.
  • WHY, YOU COTTON-PICKIN'--!!!!! (strangles Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yoekel)
  • When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
  • Wow, I can't believe that someone I've never heard of wants to hang out with a guy like me!
  • Wow, this plankton is only 33 cents!
  • [an angry crowd hurls a fireball at Homer and misses] Ha, ha! You hit the tire fire, you hit the... [gets hit by 2nd fireball] AHHH!
  • [After meeting Tony Blair, Prime Minister of the UK, who takes off in a jetpack] Wow, I can't believe we just met Mr. Bean!
  • Yeah, which reminds me: I need a sandwich.
  • (typing in talking spell-frog machine) You are a disappointment to Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Ur.
  • [Bursting into Congress, drunk, before being subdued by security] You call this a bicameral legislature?
  • You can't keep blaming yourself, Marge. Just blame yourself once and move on.
  • [after receiving a Dishonorable Discharge from the U.S. Navy] You can't spell "dishonorable" without "honorable"!
  • You couldn't find Mr. Burns' inner beauty with a Mr. Burns'-inner-beauty-finding machine.
  • You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
  • [to Louie Towman] You make life miserable and they can't do something about it. Just like God.
  • You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.
  • Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I've worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... THIS STINKS!
  • Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her — during the commercial.
  • You're not the only one who can abuse a non-profit organization!

Dialogs with Homer

[1st telemarketing message]: Greetings friend! Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you have the power inside you right now, so use it! Send one dollar to "Happy Dude" 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay, eternal happiness is just a dollar away!
[2nd telemarketing message]: Hello, this is Homer Simpson a.k.a. Happy Dude. The court has ordered me to call everyone in town and say that I'm sorry for my telemarketing scams. [pause] I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, please send one dollar to "Sorry Dude" 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power!

"Yes" Guy: Sir other people need to use the dressing room
Homer: Dressing room, uh-oh (showing the bottom of the door with his pants down)

Marge-"You know, Homer, it's easy to criticize"
Homer- "Fun too"

Homer on answering machine: Hello. You have reached the workplace of Homer Simpson. If you are calling about the waterbed, please leave a detailed message. If you need to...
Mr Burns: [interrupting] Get back to work!
Homer: Ahhh! [line cuts dead]

Homer: (Talking about his sugar selling business) And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
Marge: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo hoo! Four-day weekend.

The Simpsons Movie

Marge: (Talking to Lisa about Colin) --How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?
Homer: Spider pig! Spider pig! Does whatever a Spider pig does! Can he swing, from a web? No he can't! He's a pig! Look ouuuuuut he is Spider pig!

Homer: Oh, what does it matter, we're doomed!
[a seagull flies into view]
Flanders: Wrong, we're saved! Seagulls always stay near land. They only go out to sea to die!
[the seagull squawks and spirals into the ocean, obviously dead]
Homer: [triumphant]' Woo-hoo! See that, boy? Your old man was right, not Flanders. We are doomed! In your face, Flanders!

[The Vending machine has just fell on Homer]
Homer: [Struggling] Sweet, sweet, sweet chocolate, oh it no fair...mmm...
[The screen blacks out] [Homer scoffs the chocolate]
Homer: Mmm...Chocolate!
[Bart and Lisa are playing "What's That Odor?"]
Bart: [smells something horrible] Dad's feet?
Homer: BART!!!
Lisa: You win, Bart.
Homer: LISA!!!
Bart: Are we there yet, Dad!?
Homer: I'll tell when we get there. Go back to your smell game!

Art lady: It's called 'outsider art.' It could be done by a mental patient, a hillbilly... or a chimpanzee.
Homer: Hey! In high school, I was voted most likely to BE a mental patient, a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee!

[The women on Bart's music video sing "Yvan eht nioj..."]
Homer: Yvan eht nioj! Gotta love that crazy chorus.
Lisa: What does it mean?
Homer: Eh, it doesn't mean anything, like rama lama ding dong or give peace a chance.

Homer gets a satellite dish

Homer: Hey, Flanders! Check out my new satellite dish!
Flanders: Well, Homer, that's some jim-dandy roof candy! Mind if I come watch?
Homer: YES!
Flanders: I usually use my satellite TV watching religious pay-per-view, or as I like to call it, pray-per-view!
Homer: Damn your sparkling wordplay!
Flanders: And bless your humble home.

Bart: Dad, Dad, we did something terrible!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart and Lisa: NO!
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Bart and Lisa: YES!
Homer: But the car's ok?
Bart and Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: Ok then.

Homer: All right, I'll be Cue Ball. Barney can be Eight Ball, Lenny will be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you'll be Cue Ball.
Moe: You're an idiot.

Marge: (once when Lisa (having a nightmare of her family staying in hell while watching illegal cable) runs away) What's wrong with her?
Bart: Beats the hell outta me.
Homer: BART!!!

(Lisa falls from the staircase)

Homer: You're not gonna make the team with that kind of attitude!!!
Lisa: I don't want to make the team.
Homer: Then why are you running the obstacle course?
Marge: Are you wearing my self defense whistle?
Homer: You never use it!
Marge: Hmmmmm...

Bart: May I be excused, Mom?
Homer: Oh, so now you're quitting dinner, too.
Marge: Homer, please!
Homer: I didn't raise him to be a quitter. It must have been you. You quit every job you've ever had. Cop, pretzel vender, church counselor, professional gambler.
Marge: He's doing what he thinks is best.
Homer: Well, if quitting is the best, maybe I should just quit my job!
[Homer walks over to the phone and dials Mr. Burns' number)
Mr. Burns: Ahoy-hoy?
Homer: Mr. Burns? This is Homer J Simpson, the father of the big quitter! Well, I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter, too! And I quit!
[Homer winks twice into the mouthpiece of the phone]
Marge: Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking.
Homer: So... [realising] aaaaargh!
[Homer slams the phone back to the wall]

Marge: Homer, I've got someone here who can help you?
Homer: Batman?
Marge: He's a scientist.
Homer:: Batman's a scientist?
Marge: It's not Batman!

(upon discovering that his rocket escaping Earth was actually headed for the Sun, but until there he'd have to endure Rosie O'Donnell's singing and Tom Arnold's jokes)
Bart: Don't worry, Dad, we'll be dead in five minutes.
Homer: Not fast enough! [presses the eject button of the space rocket]

Marge: That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer.
Homer: Ooh, let’s pick him up!
Marge: No! What if he’s crazy?
Homer: And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots.

Faith: Lisa, I’m Faith Crowley, Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest.
Homer: Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is “How to increase your word power.” That thing is really, really... good.

Flanders: (in Homer's mind) "It's like I'm wearing nothing at all... [echoing] nothing at all... nothing at all..."
Homer: Stupid Sexy Flanders!

Flanders: I think we hit something.
Homer: I hope it's Flanders.

Flanders: What happened to the plow from old snowplow business?
Homer: I never had a snowplow business.
Flanders: Yes, you did - "Mr. Plow"! You're wearing the jacket right now!
Homer: I think I remember my own life, Ned. (singing to himself as he walks away) "Call Mr. Plow. That's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow."

History Channel narrator: America, 1948. Americans pick their president. Victory seemed certain for Governor Thomas E. Dewey.
Homer: Dewey! Dewey! Dewey! Dewey!
Lisa: Dad, I'm telling you. Truman wins.
Narrator: The headlines proclaim, "Dewey defeats Truman."
Homer: Yes, I win the bet! Who’s your daddy?!
Narrator: But the headlines are dead wrong. Harry Truman triumphs by two million votes.
Homer: Not if I can stop that inauguration!

Homer: [childproofing Apu's apartment] Avoid overly pointy deities. You should get yourself a nice, round Buddha.
Apu: Sir, I am a Hindu!
Homer: Well, so am I, but I don't get all huffy about it!

Homer: (demonstrating the garage door) I just press this button and the door opens like magic.
[The door rises a few inches and stops]
Pepe: Why does it stop there?
Homer: Because it's a stupid PIECE OF JUNK!!
[Homer begins pounding the door]

Homer: [driving ambulance] Where to, man?
Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You are an ambulance, not a taxi!
Homer: Hospital, ah? Wow, everyone's going there tonight.
Lisa: Dad, you've been driving in circles for twenty minutes! Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?
Homer: Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?!

Homer: All right, guys! It's time to clean up this town!
Skinner: Meaning what exactly?
Homer: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel important. That kind of thing.

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: [smiling to self] And how!

Homer: Hello, My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns... what's your first name?
Homer: ...I don't know...

[Mr. Burns holding a knife catches Homer going through his mail]
Mr. Burns: Don't be frightened this is just my letter opener. Who are you?
Homer's Brain: Come on, think of a phony name!
Homer: Homer Simpson.
Homer's Brain: D'OH!!!

Homer: Here you go, Flanders. I've found your missing wheelbarrow, chainsaw, leaf blower, and morning newspaper.
Flanders Ooo, good job, Inspector Find-it. Did you catch the thief?
Homer: (suspiciously) Who said it was a he?
Flanders: Well, I sure didn't.
Homer: Who said you did?!
Flanders: No one.
Homer: Wrong answer! You're coming with me!
Flanders: Okily-dokily!
Homer: Don't push your luck, pal!

Homer: If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock. We'll lose tourists! Then who will buy my road-side corn?!
Marge: You don't sell road-side corn.
Homer: There's a lot you don't know about me Marge. A lot that would shock you.

Homer: No TV, no beer, makes Homer something something ...
Marge: ..."go crazy"?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!!! (shouts crazed gibberish)

Homer: Oh, no! Lisa's dead! And nothing will ever bring her back! (slyly) Unless...
Lisa: Dad, I'm not dead.
Homer: Oh, praise God! You're alive! (slyly) Unless...

Homer: Oh, you know what Arthur Fortune did lately? He donated two male pandas to the zoo and got them to mate, successfully!
Mr. Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
Homer: Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. (looking out window) WOW, a blue car!

Homer: Son, if there's one thing this life has taught me, it's to avoid trouble just say nothing. Don't rock the boat. Don't even get in the boat! Just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier. But don't go in the bathrooms; they're filthy!
Bart: But I have to say something.
Homer: Talk about boats. Then when they ask you if you hate this country, you just cry and pretend you don't.
Bart: But I don't hate this country.
Homer: There, there. Just save your lies for the American public.

Homer: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Lisa, honey, are you saying you are never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh-heh-heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. (derisively) A wonderful, magical animal.

Dr Hibbert: You’ll go through five distinct stages; first is denial.
Homer: No way ‘cause I’m not going to die.
Dr Hibbert: Second is anger.
Homer: (angrily) Why you little...
Dr Hibbert: Then bargaining...
Homer: (waving some cash in front of Hibbert’s face) Doc, if you get me out of this I’ll make it worth your while.
Dr Hibbert: ...depression...
Homer: (sadly) Oh no, I’m going to die.
Dr Hibbert: ...then, finally, acceptance.
Homer: Well, we all gotta go some time.
Dr Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

Insurance Man: And this "Moe's" - is this some sort of business?
Homer's Brain: Don't say you were at a bar, don't say you were at a bar... But what else is open at midnight?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Homer: My ears are burning.
Lisa: Oh Dad, we're not talking about you.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.

[Bart, Lisa and Homer ride various things through Mr. Burns' mansion]
Bart: [riding a bicycle] I'M AL UNSER, JR!
Lisa: [riding a pony] I'M PRINCESS MARGARET!
Homer: [riding a mowcar] I'M DRUNK!

Milhouse: (seeing Homer working on a rocket) Bart, I didn't know your dad knows science.
Homer: Science?
Bart: Uh, he didn't say science. He said... pie-pants.
Homer: Mmmmmmmm. Pie-pants.'

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: (wearily) Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, Homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!
Bart: Uh, Dad. Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: BART! Go to your room!
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbeque wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
Lisa: That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I'm out of here!
[leaves and slams the door]
Homer: THAT'S IT, GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.

Homer: All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to slowly killing you with beer.
Brain: It's a deal!

Homer: I'm no missionary, I don't even believe in Jeebus! Let me out!
Guy: Sorry! No can do!
Homer: Oh! Save me Jeebus!

Homer: Awww, $20!? I wanted a peanut.
Brain: $20 can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how!
Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woohoo!

Homer: [to self]...I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say, 'Yes!'
Brain: Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
Homer: [threatening] Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!

"Ex-con" Home Security Salesman: Surely you can't put a price on your family's safety.
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, yet here we are. [slams door]

Moe: "This baby can flash fry a buffalo in 30 seconds!
Homer: "Awwww, but I want it now.

Homer: As I always use to say: Compromises is the only way to end a discussion!
Marge: But that's what I always say, Homer!
Homer: Let's just make a compromise; None of us said it...

Homer (Talking about gays): They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Agency worker: "And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother?"
Homer's brain: "Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge."
Homer: "Uhhhhh.....revenge?"
Homer's brain: "THAT'S IT, I'M OUTTA HERE!!" (footsteps sound out, along with a door being closed)

Bart: (After Homer killed Flanders) DAD, YOU KILLED THE ZOMBIE FLANDERS!
Homer: He was a zombie?

(a montage of some of Homer's Mmmm's)
Homer: Mmmm...chocolate; Mmmm...invisible cola; Mmmm...forbidden donut; Mmmm...sacrilicious; Mmmm...snouts; Mmmm...free goo; Mmmm...something.

Lisa: I hate going to the zoo, I feel so sorry for all the animals.
Homer: But captivity opens up a whole new world for them! In the wilds they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose.... You know, the American Dream!

Homer: Huh? Golf corse? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybie the desert was just the sand trap. Oh, and that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop. And that talking Coyote was really just a talking dog.
Dog: Hi Homer find your soul mate.
Homer: Hey, wait a minute. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A TALKING DOG!
Dog: barks
Homer: Damn straight.

Marge: Homer wake up
Homer: Half asleep and in a Cuban accent In America, first you get the sugar. Then you get the power. Then you get the women.

Homer: Bart I want to teach you how to ride a bike.
Bart: First of all, I already know how to ride a bike; Second of all, I already own a bike; and third, that's a girl's bike.
Homer: Hee, you're not a girl, you're a boy.

Bart: DAD, I would like you to go on this rafting trip with me.
Homer: BOY, I would be delighted to go with you.
Homer and Bart: D'OH!!

Marge: C'mon Homer, we're going to the church picnic.
Homer: Awwww. But they had a picnic last week.
Marge: No they didn't, you just brought a bucket of fried chicken to church.
Homer: Marge, if they didn't want us to eat in church they would have made gluttony a sin.

[Grounds Keeper Willie]: Eeek. I mean, Agghh! What are you doing in here?
Homer: Ummm. We're the new foreign exchange students from Scotland.
[Grounds Keeper Willie]: Really? Where do ya hail from?
Homer: Errrmmm, North...Kilt...Town
[Grounds Keeper Willie]: No fooling? I'm from North Kilt Town. Do you know Angus McLeod?
Homer: [Thinks for a moment] Wait a minute, there's no Angus McLeod in North Kilt-town. Why, you're not from Scotland at all.

Homer: Die, you evil monster!
Lisa: Dad, that's the water softener.
Homer: I am missing the back of my head, I think you can cut me a little slack!

Homer: Marge, admit it. You just can't say no to anyone. That's why you have three kids.

Homer: Hee hee hee, i don't know, but you gotta be pretty good if you're like robots

(Marge Whispers)

Homer: I knew that.

Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: No.
Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: No.
Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: No.

[walking along the hall]

Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: No.
Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: No.

[Easting dinner]

Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: No.
Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: No.

[Watching TV]

Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: No.
Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: No.

[In the shower]

Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: NO!
Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: NOOOOO!!!

[In bed]

Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: NOOOOOOO!!!!
Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: IF I TAKE YOU WILL YOU TWO LEAVE ME ALONE AND QUIT BUGGING ME?
Bart: Yeah.
Lisa: Of course
Bart: Well?
Bart & Lisa: Will you take us to Mt Splashmore?
Homer: YES!!!!
Bart & Lisa: Thanks Dad.

The Top 10 Resons Why Homer Simpson Should Be President

10. I'm smarter then the last guy.

9. With an Oval office, I can't bump into anything.

8. Fox news is already on MY side.

7. I will take full advantage of the free food that comes with the job.

6. I have enormous experience apologizing for failed decisions.

5. I will appoint a Secretary of Donuts.

4. I will be the Secretary of Donuts.

3. My middle name isn't Hussein... Anymore.

2. My Vice-President will be Mayor McCheese.

1. Kick ass inauguration party! Bring a six-pack and you're in.


(From The Late Show With David Letterman. Airdate --/--/----)

External Links

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:
The Simpsons