It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–Present) is an FX sitcom created by Rob McElhenney about four friends (played by McElhenney, Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton and Kaitlin Olson) who run an Irish bar, "Paddy's Pub", in Philadelphia.


Contents

Season 1

The Gang Gets Racist [1.1]

Dennis: I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.

Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis: [gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Charlie Wants an Abortion [1.2]

Mac: [on abortions] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Sweet Dee: Is he jo...? is that... are you... joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two... verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good...
Sweet Dee: Breathe in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.

Dennis: [at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay.
Sweet Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
Dennis: Pff...sucks for me.

Underage Drinking: A National Concern [1.3]

Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie: I guess.
Mac: Well, I don’t know about that though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out - it wasn’t that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we’d get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie: That is true.
Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick’s car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
Dee: No, no, I had bad…potato salad.
Mac: You abused alcohol, and that’s OK, that’s OK, but it’s very dangerous, right? Right? Well maybe, we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
Dee: No, I don’t like where this is headed.

Sweet Dee: I never statutory raped anyone before.
Trey: Oh... okay, I'll tell you what; let's just take it slow.
Sweet Dee: You are so sweet... where were you when I was in high school?
Trey: I was eight.
Sweet Dee: Right... Yeah...

Charlie Has Cancer [1.4]

Dennis: I don't get it Dee, there are tons of women in this city, where do they go?
Sweet Dee: They're at velvet rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis: Why?
Sweet Dee: Dennis, our bar is south Philly in a scary alley... might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Charlie: Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, OK? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!
Dennis: That's a horrible thing to do!
Charlie: Well, I'm a bad guy then!
Dennis: You are a bad guy! You lied to us!
Charlie: All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?
Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.
Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now?
Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs!
Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!
Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!

Gun Fever [1.5]

Sweet Dee: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you.
Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Sweet Dee: Yeah, sure. [exits]
Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis: Never.

The Gang Finds a Dead Guy [1.6]

Mac: Get up old man, this isn't the American Legion! Wake up! Yo!
Sweet Dee: What's the matter?
Mac: He won't wake up.
Sweet Dee: Well, poke him harder... in his ribs.
Mac: Wake up, old man... wake up!
[Mac pokes the old man with a pool stick and he slumps over in the booth]
Mac: Holy shit... that bitch is dead.

Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh, yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.

Charlie Got Molested [1.7]

Liam McPoyle: So, do you want a beverage of some sort?
Charlie: No... where's your brother, dude?
Liam McPoyle: We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.
Charlie: Alright, listen. You guys can't go... did you just say "we?!"
Liam McPoyle: What?
Charlie: Did you just say "We just stepped out of the shower?"
Liam McPoyle: [quietly] I said he.

Charlie: Okay, okay. First of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested and you guys are going to exploit that for your own personal gain? You assholes are securing your places in hell.
Ryan: We've thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice.

Season 2

Charlie Gets Crippled [2.1]

Dennis: Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?
Sweet Dee: Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people.
Dennis: Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.
Sweet Dee: How come you get to pick and choose?
Dennis: It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.
Sweet Dee: You're a woman and you're weak.
Dennis: That doesn't make any sense.
Sweet Dee: You don't make any sense.

Charlie: [in a wheelchair and army vet attire] This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy all over it.
Frank: Maybe you should let me do all the talking.
Charlie: No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.
Stripper: Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?
Charlie: [shouting] Viet-goddamn-nam is what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!

The Gang Goes Jihad [2.2]

Ari Frankel: Your wife says she's afraid of you. I'm here for the dog.
Frank: Oh. That woman is amazing! She is amazing! You just met her; she's already got you running errands for her. She's good. She is good!
Ari Frankel: Just go get the dog.
Frank: I don't have the dog.
Ari Frankel: So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping... on the floor?
Frank: [long pause] Yes.

Barbara: While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Frank: A series of Mexican women.
Charlie: "A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire.

Dennis and Dee Go On Welfare [2.3]

Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Sweet Dee: How come Charlie...? It's not fair...
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, dad?
Frank: Because you're crackheads, children.

Dennis: Hi. I'm a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare, please.

Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom [2.4]

Mac: Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Charlie: Interesting...
Mac: Yeah man, she got naked... she came on to me. I mean, that woman is straight crazy, but I think I wanna bang her, man. I know I shouldn't do it...
Charlie: I think you should do it!
Mac: What?
Charlie: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime right?
Mac: Right!
Charlie: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But... it's Dennis' and Dee's Mom...
Charlie: Well that means that no one ever ever is going to find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense...
Charlie: It doesn't have to make sense!
Mac: You're right! I'm gonna do it!

Dennis: [after witnessing Mac kiss his Mom at her front door] Oh my God! Ohhh...
Charlie: Yeah... that's a terrible thing... a terrible thing for you to see that.
Dennis: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him!
Charlie: Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do? Punch him in the face? Throw him? Maybe work the body a little?
Dennis: I was gonna...
Charlie: No no no, that's not gonna help. That's not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It doesn't unbang your Mom.

Hundred Dollar Baby [2.5]

Brianna: You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Sweet Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch!

Frank: You're not ready for this fight, you're not...
Dee: Oh, I have an idea, dad! Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face, and hold the bag?!

The Gang Gives Back [2.6]

Frank: Hey gang, what's the action?
Dennis: What's going on here?
Frank: Asians love gambling!
Sweet Dee: You know these guys?
Frank: Yeah, from Nam.
Mac: You were in Vietnam?
Dennis: Don't get excited Mac, he was in Vietnam ten years ago on a business trip.

Dennis: [to his basketball team] Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I'll be proud of you.

The Gang Exploits a Miracle [2.7]

Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.

Charlie: [to Mac] You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.

The Gang Runs for Office [2.8]

Frank: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!
Sweet Dee: Wow, you're a horrible father.

Dennis: [Reading the campaign speech Charlie wrote] Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me I’m hot. What? Taxes they’ll be lower son. The democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do.

Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass [2.9]

Frank: I did not go to Vietnam and watch a lot of good men die just for scum like you to take away my freedom!
Sweet Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993... to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

Charlie: [singing] I'm gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass, gonna kick some ass in the USA. Gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, AND EAGLE.

Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad [2.10]

Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!
Mac: Alright! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!

Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this smart guy: computers are for losers.
Dennis: You're drinking a beer at eight o’clock in the morning!
Mac: Whatever dude. Irrelevant.

Season 3

The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby [3.1]

Frank: After we made love, she did get pregnant. But she had an abortion.
Charlie: Really?
Frank: Yeah, yeah.
Charlie: Well, are you sure she went through with it, dude? 'Cause she probably didn't tell you.
Frank: She probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up, because your mother was a giant whore.

Tanning Employee: You want to put your baby into a tanning bed?
Mac: We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes.
Dee: Just to get a base.
Mac: [exaggerated] Just to get a base.

The Gang Gets Invincible [3.2]

Frank: This is going to be exactly like Woodstock.
Sweet Dee: Oh is it? Ooh, are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your cousin's Winnebego for three days?
Frank: Shut up about that! I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days. The memory haunts me.

"Donovan McNabb": Hey, guys, I'm Donovan McNabb, I play quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, and I'm here to tell you that you can, too, if you start every day with a hearty breakfast from McDonald's, like the new sausage egg McGriddle value meal, available now, for a limited time, for under five dollars. Remember, guys, real champs eat at McDonald's!...I'm lovin' it. Can I have the check?
Mac: What the hell was that?
Coach: Thanks, Donnie.
Mac and Dennis: That was not Donovan McNabb.
Coach: Yes, it was.
Dennis: That was, like, a McDonald's plug. It was just --
Mac: Was that the guy from The Cosby Show?
Dennis: Was that the guy from The Cosby Show?
Coach: That's not the guy from The Cosby Show.
Dennis: That was the guy from The Cosby Show!
Mac: Yeah, he was married to Sondra...
Dennis: Elvin! Elvin!
Mac: They had Raven-Symoné. That's So Raven.
Coach: That's not the guy! You know what? Sprints!

The Gang Gets Held Hostage [3.3]

Dennis: Margaret, you like sweat, don't you. Margaret--it is Margaret, isn't it? Of course it is. You know, your eyebrow, drives me crazy. It's so thick, its so dark, so very... connected. You're a stone cold fox, Margaret. You're a stone cold fox, and I want you. I gotta have you--I need you. I want you inside me. But you know that, don't you, Margaret?

Frank: When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast... Not in the sexual way!

Dennis and Dee's Mom is Dead [3.4]

Frank: I got good news! Your mother is dead--ha!
Dennis: Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.
Frank: I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift! She's as dead as disco--hehehe! Who wants champagne!? [Frank pops the cork on a bottle of champagne]

Lawyer: I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.
Dennis: That's quite alright, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?
Sweet Dee: No, just get to the reading part.
Frank: Get on with it, man. Let's go.
Lawyer: Alright. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?
Frank: Yo!
Lawyer: Okay uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children.
Dennis: What?!
Sweet Dee: What?!
Frank: Bruce Mathis?!
Lawyer: [reading] A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis.
Frank: You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?
Lawyer: You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.
Sweet Dee: Why are you giving it to him?!
Lawyer: I'm not--
Sweet Dee: She barely even knew him!
Lawyer: Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.
Frank: Where is that rat bastard?!
Lawyer: Sir, I don't know!
Frank: 'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!
Dennis: Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!
Lawyer: You know what, we should just move forward, okay? [reading] For my darling son, Dennis... presumably. [motioning to Dennis] I give you my house.
Dennis: Yeah, okay... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.
Lawyer: ...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in.
Dennis: I would never let him in.
Frank: What?!
Lawyer: Deandra?
Sweet Dee: Yes.
Lawyer: You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake.
Sweet Dee: A mistake? We're twins.
Lawyer: Yeah...
Sweet Dee: We were born at the same time. What are you talking about. You're not making any sense.
Frank: Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!
Lawyer: Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, kay? I don't know your mom; never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!
Sweet Dee: Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.
Frank: You tell her, she's a god damned whore--always been a whore!
Sweet Dee: Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?
Lawyer: It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.
Sweet Dee: God damn it... oh god damn it!
Frank: Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!
Sweet Dee: Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...
Frank: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!
Lawyer: These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...
Dennis: [whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Sweet Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.
Lawyer: You know... [awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house... that's not how this whole situation works...
Dennis: [gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]
Lawyer: Mmm-hmm, kay.
[Dennis leaves]
Lawyer: [to himself] Jesus Christ.

The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty McGoo [3.5]

Sweet Dee: What is this thing?
Charlie: That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.
Sweet Dee: No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.
Charlie: Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. OK, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
Sweet Dee: Oh god.
Charlie: And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're into it and it's hot and it's passionate.
Sweet Dee: Charlie...
Charlie: And then it's just you and me babe...
Sweet Dee: Oh my god.

Dennis: "Peaked," Dee? Let me tell you something. I haven't even begun to peak. And when I do peak, you'll know. Because I'm going to peak so hard, that everybody in Philadelphia will feel it.

The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation [3.6]

Frank: It's the damn North Koreans!
Dennis: Wait, what makes you guys think they're North Koreans?
Frank: That's the bad Korea.
Charlie: The sneaky bad Korea.
Mac: The ones on top, and they sneak down and eat everybody's pets.

Charlie: It's locked! All right, let me try this out.
Dennis: What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!
Charlie: Why not?
Dennis: We're not at your apartment, shithead!
Charlie: Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?
Dennis: Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.
Charlie: Well eventually they're gonna overlap--
Dennis: They're not ever gonna--
Charlie: You know what, you're right, it's not working.
Dennis: Oh, no shit.
Charlie: Well it was worth a try!
Dennis: It was not worth a try.

Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire [3.7]

Charlie: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
Mac: See, that was real news.
Charlie: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

[In a retirement home]
Mac: These places are like prison...
Frank: Like people getting their ass raped?
Charlie: What? Oh, my god, no one's getting ass raped, Frank! Come on, man!
Mac: No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Frank: Because they're getting their ass raped!

The Gang Sells Out [3.8]

Charlie: I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood.
Mac: Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'.
Charlie: Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get the money.
Dennis: That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're talking about being wooed by this corporate guy...
Charlie: How are you going to be wood?

Dennis: Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way we're totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
Dennis: A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Mac: Oh no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.
Dennis: Ohh don't think so bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank: Smooth. I would be a bear.
Dennis: No no, see I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact I don't know what you would be because you're definitely not a twink.
Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often than not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms.
Frank: What's a power bottom?
Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Dennis: Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See a power bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.
Frank: Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.
Dennis: Speed has everything to do with it. You see the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right buddy?

Sweet Dee is Dating a Retarded Person [3.9]

Charlie: Okay, alright, I'm ready to rock.
Mac: And who are you supposed to be?
Charlie: Bob Dylan, man. Check this out [hands Mac a crudely drawn picture]
Mac: Jesus, we're all over the place. [looks at picture] Is this a page from a coloring book?
Charlie: No dude, that's 'Night Man', those are lyrics.
Mac : Whatever, lets just rock.
Frank: Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
Charlie: Alright, where's my curtain
Mac: Charlie, don't worry about the curtain, you're not gonna need it.
Charlie: I want a curtain blocking my face.
Mac: you don't need one.
Frank: [to an unkempt man working on wiring] Go on, go have a beer, Ernie.
Charlie: Alright, ready.
Frank: 5, 6, 7, 8
Charlie: [singing] Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think I love you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you Night Man. Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms, And pin me down and I try to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I become the Night Man.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kind of cool, but what's with the second half?
Charlie: It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I become the spirit of the Night Man.
Mac: But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.
Charlie: What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright, [resumes singing] It's just two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, and one is out. One is screaming he's so happy and the other's screaming a passionate shout. It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man.
Mac: We need a new front man...

Charlie: [singing] They took you Night Man and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands, and I miss you Night Man so bad... [hits piano, starts mumbling] stupid! Can't write anything. [huffs spray paint]
Dennis: [Enters Charlie's apartment without knocking] Charlie, let's join forces.
Charlie: Hello, come right in!
Dennis: I will.
Charlie: What happened to your band?
Dennis: Kicked me out.
Charlie: [laughs] Well it hurts, doesn't it?
Dennis: Hm. What's with the curtains?
Charlie: I'm living in a world of darkness.
Dennis: Right. Let's get some light in here. [pulls curtains off, filling room with light, notices Charlie's face] Whoa, what's with the spray paint man?
Charlie: Uhh... what's with your outfit man? [reference to Denis wearing spandex]
Dennis: Why don't we put the curtains back up...
Charlie: No, no... what is going on up here man? [laughing]
Dennis: I never know man.

Mac is a Serial Killer [3.10]

[Mac enters as the Gang are discussing recent serial killings]
Dennis: This guy got laid last night!
Mac: [nervously] No I didn't!
Dennis: Yeah you did. You didn't come home last night.
Mac: Yes I did!
Sweet Dee: Yeah those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
Mac: No they aren't. They're different clothes.
Frank: Where'd you get these scratches on your neck?
Mac: [Hiding his neck] What?
Frank: You've got scratches on your neck
Mac: No, I don't
Sweet Dee: Let me see
Mac: No!... What? I've gotta take a piss... I don't have any... You guys... Huh?!
[Mac runs into the bathroom]
Charlie: Well that was weird.
Dennis: Yeah, he's behaving like that a lot lately
Charlie: What's got into him?
Frank: [turning back with a frightned look] Serial killin'!

Frank: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Sweet Dee: What?
Dennis: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank: Oh, we do... because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance... a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Sweet Dee: I don't get it... at all.

Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender [3.11]

Frank: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to... to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
Charlie: Well, that's just a maid, you want a maid?
Frank: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.

Dennis: Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here the little courtroom speech we prepared?
Timmy: I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with fully naked people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleep easy.
Wendell: Alright, I get it.
Timmy: He's silly. He's a tickle monster!
Wendell: Listen kid, I said I get it, okay?
Timmy: He makes me taste things I don't want to. He puts things in my hiney.
Wendell: God dammit, will you make the kid stop? Please, come on.
Dee: Yeah, I think that ought to do it.
Dennis: Yeah, that's good Timmy. So you'll leave?
Wendell: Yeah. I'll leave. [winks at Timmy as he closes the door]

The Gang Gets Whacked Part I [3.12]

Sweet Dee: What about you, Dennis?
Dennis: Well I...
Frank: Dennis is a prostitute now.
Mac: Good.
Dennis: No, I'm not a prostitute, okay?
Frank: Yes, he is.
Dennis: There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.
Mac: To dudes?
Charlie: To guys or...
Dennis: No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Mac: Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.

Charlie: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee: What?!
Charlie: Yes, I did.
Dee': No, you didn't.
Charlie: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee: [to Dennis] He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

The Gang Gets Whacked Part II [3.13]

Mac: I'm so hard that people are scared of me and they should be. 'Cause I'll explode all over them.

Dennis: You know what, I'm walking from this. [Frank slaps him] Ow. What the hell, dude?!
Frank: I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got.
[He slaps Dennis again]
Dennis: Ah! Dude, why do you keep hitting me?
Frank: Don't talk back to me.
Dennis: Okay, sorry.
Frank: Look, I'm going to get you out of this. It's you and me against the world. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you.
Dennis: You promise?
Frank: I promise. And hey, I don't want hit you, baby. So, please don't make me, okay? You're my one and only. You've go to do right by me, okay?
Dennis: Okay.

Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City [3.14]

[After Dennis's cat emerges from an explosion unscathed]
Dennis: Goddamnit, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.

Mac: You sir, have wasted my time, and the time of my associate. Dee, get my coat.

The Gang Dances Their Asses Off [3.15]

Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body dude.
Charlie: Oh my god dude relax. Dude I forgot to put on deodorant, OK?
Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant Charlie, never once.
Charlie: Yeah well you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.

Mac: What's up bitches
Dennis: Whoa, why you dancing so strangely?
Mac: Cause of all my energy. I got tons of energy now because of this. [shows off Frank's brownie] Energy bar. Have some.
Dee: Looks like a shit ball.
Mac: No! It's an energy bar.
Dee: Why's it so heavy and big?
Mac: Because it's full of vitamins and shit.

Season 4

Mac & Dennis: Manhunters [4.1]

Charlie: Cannabalism? Racism? Dude that's not for us...those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We're just here to eat some dude!

Frank: Don't even joke about hunting no man.
Dennis: Who's joking? I'm not joking.
Frank: Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out - it was a blood bath!
[everyone pauses awkwardly]
Charlie: That's 'Rambo', dude.
Frank:What?
Charlie: You just described the plot of 'Rambo'
[Mac, Dennis, and Charlie all agree variously at once]
Dennis:Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's life.

The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis [4.2]

Dennis: Your boss is a woman? Now this is a strange bank.

Charlie: Ya best get to steppin' cause Johnny law's a-comin'!
Dennis: You better leave because she called the cops.
Mac: Why's he talking like that?
Dennis: Because the wildcard decided to lose his damn mind.
Charlie: I say, I say boy that's just damn preposterous!
Dennis: Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!

Charlie: Wild Card Bitches!

America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest [4.3]

Charlie: Later dudes! F you in your A's, don't wear a C, and J all over your B's.

Dennis: My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David. You on the other hand, well, you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone, and you will never EVER be on that billboard.

Mac: 2003 Dennis, OK, he was grade-A prime beef cake, no one is disputing that, he was a stallion, but 2008 Dennis is in decline, take a look at Rex here, that is a body that just wont quit, I bet if you pop those pants off you gonna find a bird that just don't quit either, I think that it would come in handy in this situation, I think that the problem here is that your body quit, your bird quit, and unfortunately it´s no longer legit

Mac: Dominique, you banged me, like right away, I hardly had to do anything. Tabatha you did the same. But most importantly you banged each other...and you let me watch. AWESOME.

Mac's Banging the Waitress [4.4]

Charlie: Am I peeing?

Mac & Charlie Die (Part 1) [4.5]

Frank: This slot defeats the purpose. I can see your eyes! We might as well get married.
Dennis: It's the safest way, Frank.
Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.

Dennis: Yeah, I knew the whole time! During the funeral I heard you rustling through the air vents. Did you think you were being sneaky? You were talking at full volume and looking at me through the vent. And I saw you outside my window. You know I can see through them?! I was just getting back at you.
Charlie: Oh, so Frank. You knew too?
[meekly nods]
Frank: Uh. Uh-hu...
Charlie: Did I see you bang that doll?

Mac & Charlie Die (Part 2) [4.6]

Who Pooped the Bed? [4.7]

[Artemis accusing Dee of being behind the last poop]
Artemis: Deandra, you wanted in on this poop war from the start!
Dee: No, I didn't.
Artemis: ...The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. That's why when the lights went out you unleashed some thunder of your own. Thunder of the...chocolate variety!

Frank: Nah, I did it.
Mac: What?
Frank: I did them all. I did all the poops.
Mac: Really?
Frank: Yeah, I did every one of them. I even did one while she was wrapping up right here. Look.
Charlie: Dude!
Mac: How?!
Dennis: Jesus!
Charlie: Oh my God. Why did you do that, dude?
Frank: Because poop is funny.
Charlie: Well, I guess poop is pretty funny.
Frank: Poop is funny!
Mac: Well, pooping on the floor like that is pretty funny.
Charlie: That was a good one. You know what? Well played, my man.
Dennis: Yeah, Very well played. That's funny.
Dee: I hate my life.
Charlie: Seriously dude, don't ever poop in our bed again.

Paddy's Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia [4.8]

Dennis: Alright, just sign this paper saying that we didn't kidnap you at all, and you can be on your way with all of our stuff.
[Charlie hits him over the head with a lamp]
Mac: DUDE! Why did you do that?
Charlie: I just really hate this guy!

Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life [4.9]

Sinbad: You're in Sinbad's House. Rob Thomas. Matchbox 20. Sing something. Shut up.

Charlie: [referring to Sinbad] I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker.

Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack [4.10]

Mac: This is the perfect opportunity! I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
Charlie: Uh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Mac: Uh, have you seen The Secret of My Succe$s?
Charlie: Uhhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Mac: Uhhh, yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that'll save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me!
Charlie: Uhhhhhhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Mac: Uhhhh...I can't remember it. Oh! Yeah! He bangs that old lady, and then they play that song from the 80's. "Day Bow Bow".
Charlie: What the hell's "Day Bow Bow"?
Mac: [singing Yello's "Oh Yeah"] Day Bow Bow. Cha. Chikita-cha!

Charlie: You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! OK? I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy Mac, how 'bout that for stress?
Mac: What the hell are you talking about?
Charlie: This company is being bled like a stuck pig Mac, and I've got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out. "[Goes to a wall covered in paper and string]" Take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie!
Charlie: That right there is the mail. Now lets talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, ok? "Pepe Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia. I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy!" I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming back down here. So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, ok? So I decide, "Oh shit buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of Pepe! Alright. So I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say, "Carol! Carol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe." And when I open the door what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office! There...is...no...Carol in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is goddamn Ghost Town.
Mac: Ok, Charlie I'm going to have to stop you right there. Not only to all of these people exist, but they've been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs.
Charlie: Well calm down because here's one thing that's not going to happen.
Mac: What?
Charlie: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie: Because we've already been fired.

[Mac sees Charlie frantically sorting mail room at their new office job]
Mac: What's your system here, bro?
Charlie: Oh, it's pretty complicated. The mail goes into three sections depending on how important I think the thing looks, okay? Now, the least important stuff, well, I'm gunna burn that. If it's important they're gunna send it again, right? The middle important stuff, I put that back in mail addressed to me so I can buy myself a couple more days. And the most important stuff - that get delivered! Although, you know something, Mac, I usually burn that too most of the time.

The Gang Cracks The Liberty Bell [4.11]

Charlie" Wait, wait, wait...Check his pulse.
Dee: He doesn't have a head Charlie!

Charlie: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways?
Frank: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar, and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head, and of course I did, so here we are.
Frank: Damn your necromancy woman!

The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition [4.12]

The Nightman Cometh [4.13]

Dee:[singing] Just to be clear, I did not write that song and I'd never had sex with a child.

Frank: By the way, Charlie I thought the rape scene went really well.
Charlie: I am here, I am way past here. And if you bring it up again when we get home, I swear I will smack you.

Charlie: I will smack your face off of your face.

Frank: You got to pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole.

External links