Happiness and virtue rest upon each other; the best are not only the happiest, but the happiest are usually the best.Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
- If you are allowed to smack children, you should be allowed to smack geriatrics as well because they are just as much of a nuisance as children, if not more.
- My feeling is that women will never be equal to men ... I think men are catching up in all kinds of ways.
- My grandfather died last week, and we buried him at sea. Well, I say we buried him at sea; it was actually a village in north Wales at the time.
- [on pre-EU British passports] You used them to shove aside officials. "Out of my way, Johnny-foreigner! Reason for visit? Imperialism!"
- Unlike European mustards that bring out the subtle flavours of food, English mustard makes your nose bleed.
- People walk up to me and say, "You're not as big as you are on telly, are you?" Well, I don't know. How big's your fucking television?
- I've got a video that doesn't record the film, it just watches it and tells me what happens. "Oh, Meryl Streep bought this farm somewhere, and she gets the clap. That's about it. I think Robert Redford gave it to her. To be honest I was flicking over to the football every five minutes, so..."
- I thought that I saw your name on a bag of bread but when I reread it, it said "Thick Cut".
- I had a wet dream about you last night. I dreamt you got hit by a bus, and I pissed myself laughing.
- I love the way garages leave black buckets outside for your dead flowers.
- I had a blowjob once. I didn't like the taste.
- I always love it when a great, new, comedian gets hit by a bus.
- I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs... like custom officers.
- I've had death threats... well a petition.
- I knew this suit was going to be a problem when i went into the store and asked them "will this make me look fat?" and they replied "why shouldn't it, you are"
- (Imitating an old woman) Well when i was a child there was a carnival and we used to play this game called put the apple in the bucket, i was very good at this game, you brought your own apple and you gave the man a penny to put the apple in his bucket, and when the bucket was full he got in a van and fucked off.
- The film industry is a lot like Anne Robinson. Always on the lookout for a new face.
- In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight.
- I was gonna get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars. He said, 'You can't get a German car after what your granddad went through in the war.' Now I didn't know about this but apparently, during the Second World War, my granddad had a succession of very unreliable German cars. Which is embarassing when you're an SS officer.
- I wish they'd stop improving car washes. They just keep adding to the choice on that menu. The super valet, super foam valet, super wax valet. When all you want is a button that says: Get this shit off my bonnet.