Jack Handey

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If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints.
Alfonso The Wise
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Jack Handey is an American comic writer. He is most famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes. Deep Thoughts gained popularity when they were read on Saturday Night Live beginning in 1991.

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  • If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
  • If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
  • It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
  • Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
  • I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.
  • I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.