Jay Leno

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Jay Leno (born April 28, 1950), comedian, host of The Tonight Show


The Tonight Show

  • I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada".
  • How many watched the President's speech last night?
    [half-hearted audience applause]
    How many watched American Idol?
    [thundering applause]
    Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.
  • So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh— meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?".
  • A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. […] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
  • And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.
  • Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…
  • "Fred, what happened to your ass?" "Oh, the fat guy at the office sneezed on me."
    • Speaking of the discovery that obesity is contagious
    • Monologue, 26 July 2007
  • How many of you watched the vice presidential debate expecting Sarah Palin to screw up? Be honest.
[cheers and applause]
And how many of you watched the debate expecting Joe Biden to screw up?
[more cheers and applause]
And how many of you watched the baseball game knowing the Cubs would screw up?
[more applause]
  • [about the Chicago Cubs being swept by the L.A. Dodgers in the 2008 NLDS]
How about next year, we only let the Cubs play using steroids?

French bashing

  • Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target.
  • French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.
    • The Tonight Show, November 26, 2004
  • "This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.
    • The Tonight Show, November 7, 2005, as reported on miquelon.org
  • Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years
    • The Tonight Show, July 11th, 2006


  • A 102-year-old tree fell over in front of the White House. They said this happening involved three factors: its age, a strong wind, and Patrick Kennedy's car.
    • The Tonight Show, unidentified segment, unidentified 2006 episode
  • He's described as the architect of the war on Iraq. And he should be very proud, because he's built something that's going to last for years and years.
    • On Donald Rumsfeld
    • The Tonight Show, unidentified segment, unidentified 2006 episode
  • With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
  • The Republicans are calling [this] a Wizard of Oz ticket... Cheney needs a heart, Bush needs a brain.
    • On the Republican presidential candidate and his new running mate
    • The Tonight Show, unidentified segment, unidentified date
  • You're not famous until my mother knows about it.
    • Readers' Digest, unidentified article, unidentified issue
  • Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
  • Your dog/cat is not going to wear that!
    • Said freqently in his "Headlines" segment, where people send in articles with dressed-up pets.

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