Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Many ideas grow better when transplanted into another mind than in the one where they sprung up.Oliver Wendell Holmes
- Directed and written by Kevin Smith.
- Yo lunchbox, hurry it up.
- I am the master of the C.L.I.T.! Remember this fucking face! Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face! I make that shit work! It does whatever the fuck I tell it to! No one rules the C.L.I.T like me! Not this little fuck [referring to Silent Bob], none of you little fucks out there! I am the C.L.I.T. commander! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this- ooh you little fuck- then I rub it on my nose...
- All you motherfuckers are gonna pay! You are the ones who are the ball-lickers! We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches! Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat! Then all you motherfucks are next! Love, Jay and Silent Bob.
- Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the hizzouse!
- Zoinks, yo!
- I hope one rips the other one's shirt off and we see some fuckin titties floppin around, yeah!
- Hey. Get the fuck off her. That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.
- Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Oh, shit, It understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? [shouts] What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... *Roswell* style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - *you maniacs*! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!
- [Trying to talk his way out of a drug bust] What? I've got a wiping problem. I just stick those little pieces up my brown-eye and bam! I get no stains in my undies. What you don't believe me? Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks, so he can see the fucking stink nuggets!
- Dude, I think I just filled the cup.
- Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time! Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome! I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy, and Tubby here is my black man servant! What!?
- Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?
- [the Scooby gang are arguing amongst themselves] Yo! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down- and I got just the thing for that. [pulls out a bag of rolled up joints] We call them Doobie Snax.
- I can't believe this shit! Five hours and not a single ride. Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop studios from making films about 'em, but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon! [the Mystery Machine van from the Scooby Doo cartoons pulls up alongside Jay and Silent Bob]
- [clears throat] And I'll be, like, "What, you don't know fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob? The fuckin' mack daddys of fuckin' Jersey?" And she'll be, like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that youse guys are a couple of little [emphatically to Silent Bob] fuckholes!" [both laugh]
- Yo baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
- Die, you super-monkey fuck!
- Just call me Darth Balls... Bong!
- [after pulling a very long pube out of his teeth] Eew, man, she had '70s bush. Damn second rule in that book should be: "Trim that shit".
- [has just freed Silent Bob after he gets stuck in an open sewer pipe] Just like Winnie the Pooh.
- [to Silent Bob] I said you LOVE the cock. I must be the craftiest motherfucker alive.
- [singing] I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealin' the monkey. [laughs] Stealin' the little monkey. Man, if I woulda known that, I would have been stealin' monkeys since I was like, seven and shit.
- You know, maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out we're mackin' some chick and shit, and she's, like, "Ooh, I want to suck youse guys' dicks off," and she's, like, "What your names?" And I'm, like, "Jay and Silent Bob." Reco'nize. And she's like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that fuckin' youse guys are a couple of little fuckin' jerkoffs." And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead! Well, FUCK that!
- [singing outside the Stop N Go] I'm gonna finger-bang her tight little asshole / Finger-bang and tea-bag my balls / Where, where, in her mouth / Balls a-plenty in her mouth / Balls Balls Sweaty Balls
- Y'know, I don't get you, Justice. You used to be into all this girl stuff. Stealing, boning, blowing shit up, and now you're like this little priss with a conscience. It's really a fucking drag.
+ [After Jay and Silent Bob enter the van] Um...who the fuck are these guys?
- It may not be my way, but damn if there doesn't go one happy family. All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'l-- fuckbeans!! ... That was them, wasn't it?
- I don't get out to the movies that much, but "Bluntman and Chronic" was blunt-tastic.
- We don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. the wrong way.
- [on his cell phone] Plaschke, this is Willenholly. I need you to get me on the national news, pronto. Why? Because we may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet.
- Wow. That was just an incredibly daring escape.
- Remember, folks... stimulation of the C.L.I.T is not recommended.
- [while masturbating to donkey / girl porn] Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah! You chug that ass cock, baby. You need two hands. Oh, you like that, MULE. Mules are... GOOD!
- And we do want to say to the people at home, the clit is not something to be played with.
Chaka Luther King
- [Sniffing out white people] Cra-cra-cracker?
- Another white boy in this movie? Damn.
- Crazy crackers with guns. Its time I get my black ass out of here.
- Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street? I came up with it before PBS. The white man stole it. That's right. I was gonna call it "N.W.P." - Niggaz With Puppets. Catchy, ain't it?
- [Bluntman and Cock-Knocker are fighting with bongsabers] I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody!
- Do you think "Fat Albert" had an inker? No, Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller and it was EXCELLENT.
- Dance, pie fucker! ...Damn, these white boys can't fight.
- I film the motherfucka- then I yell cut, then I get the fuck outta here back to my trailer, because I got more white girls in there than the first lifeboat of the Titanic, and they all want a part in my movie, and I got just the part for 'em!
- [After Jamie Kennedy brings chaka a cup of coffee] You spit in this? ...Any boogers in it? ...You went to film school didn't you? Must piss you off to see a black man runnin' a big old production like this, huh? You went to film school! Does your father know you serve a nigga his coffee? ... It would KILL him, wouldn't it?! Then taste it. TASTE IT! Taste the booger flavor- I know it's in there!
- [Hand cut off by Jay] Not again.
- Don't fuck with the Jedi Master, son.
- Ohhh no you don't. You're not gonna upstage me, Van Der Beek!
- Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses.
- Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupation are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch [Silent Bob] does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out, "When Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord when? WHENS GONNA BE MY TIME?"
- Nights like this... I miss dating a lesbian.
- [quoting Chasing Amy] "Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal..." Bong.
- Nothing. The Internet has given everybody in America a voice. For some reason, everybody decides to use that voice to bitch about movies.
- They're not talking about you. They're talking about fictional characters. FIC-TION-AL CHAR-ACT-ORS! Am I getting through to you at all?
- And on that note, we cue the music.
- [to a customer at his comic shop, bending a comic's spine] It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.
- Hi, Ray and Rirent Rob. [Scooby laughs]
- [trying to compose a bad protest song] Hey Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit...
- The hell with this. Let's go back to the station house, and cornhole us a drunk.
- Are we gonna have a problem... again?
- I'm not even supposed to be here today!
- See? I told you that restraining order was a good idea.
- See? If you were funnier than that, ABC wouldn't have cancelled us.
- [staring up at the Bluntman and Chronic marquee] That's beautiful, man.
- [Chrissy breaks wind loudly in the diamond vault, causing the alarms to go off] Holy Fuck! The little stoner was right!
- Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
- Jay: What buzz?
- Holden: The Internet buzz.
- Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?
- Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
- Banky: Stop the movie? What are you, crazy?
- Jay: All these assholes on the internet are calling us names because of this stupid fucking movie.
- Banky: That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that.
- Jay: This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin', we got shot at, we stole a monkey, and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker.
- Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do, but Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic. So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website, is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!
- Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is... We had a deal with you, on the comics remember, for likeness rights, and - as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis, for your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic - when said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract, ergo you find yourself in a very actionable position.
- Jay: Yeah.
- Tricia Jones: [on "Bluntman and Chronic: The Movie"] Well! That was just another paean to male adolescence and its refusal to grow up.
- Alyssa Jones: Yeah, sis. But it was better than "Mallrats". At least Holden had the good sense to leave his name off of it.
- Tricia Jones: Why didn't Miramax option his other comic instead. You know, the one about you and him and your "relationship"?
- Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy"? That would never work as a movie.
- Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
- Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.
- Jay: Who?
- Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
- Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
- Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
- Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a mallfucker.
- Chaka's Production Assistant: [after asked to get a new clean latte] Here's your coffee sir, booger-free.
- Chaka Luther King: [slaps it out his hands] Get that shit the fuck out of here.
- Ben Affleck: [ready to act but haven't heard "Action"] So? Action, Gus or what?
- Gus Van Sant: Christ, Ben, I said I'm busy.
- Jay: [the monkey has been put into a car] Man, who the fuck steals monkeys?
- Silent Bob: [Points to Jay and himself]
- Jay: Oh yeah...
- Jay: [after trying to figure out what Silent Bob is trying to tell him] Well, come on! SAY IT already!
- Silent Bob: THE SIGN! ON THE BACK OF THE CAR! IT SAID "CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD"! YOU DUMB FUCK!
- Brodie: Oh my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for.
- Jay: What? Since when?
- Brodie: See, here's the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
- Justice: Hi, I'm Justice.
- Jay: And I'm so fucking yours.
- [Justice is almost repulsed when Jay makes a quick save]
- Jay: Oh, Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.
- Justice: It's nice to meet you.
- Jay: Justice, that's a nice name...
- Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G...
- [Justice and Sissy are engaged in a fist-fight]
- Sissy: Your shit is really getting tired, Justice.
- Justice: Call me 'Boo-Boo-Kitty-Fuck', bitch.
- Willenholly: Put the monkey down, and your hands up. Let's go, misters. Do you want to get shot? I didn't think so.
- Jay: Look, man. She doesn't want to go back to the lab. And for the record, I ain't gay.
- Willenholly: And for the record, while we're one the subject, I knew that wasn't a real little boy.
- Jay: And for one more record, he loves the cock.
- Missy: Oh my god, he just called Sissy 'Juggs'.
- Chrissy: I'm on it.
- [pulls out knife]
- Jay: What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something?
- Chrissy: Great, he's retarded to boot.
- Jay: [to Silent Bob] Dude, she called you retarded.
- [several security guards, led by Gordon, have suddenly rushed onto the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season]
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
- Matt Damon: [exasperated] Oh Jesus, again Ben?
- Ben Affleck: [cocky] No, bullshit, because I wasn't WITH a hooker today, ha-HA!
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: There they are!
- Jay: Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo!
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot, requesting backup.
- Echo Base: [over Gordon's walkie talkie] I thought that was a 10-82.
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: No sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.
- Echo Base: [slightly amused] Oh, that Affleck! Backup on the way...
- [regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie]
- Randal Graves: That was definitely worse than "Clash of the Titans."
- Dante Hicks: I can't believe Judi Dench played me.
- Randal Graves: Remind me to renew that restraining order.
- Dante Hicks: Why?
- Randal Graves: Because I'm going to blast that flick on the internet tonight.
- Customer at Quick Stop: Are you even supposed to be here today?
- Dante Hicks: Don't get me started.
- Chaka's Production Assistant: You the man.
- Chaka Luther King: No, you the man, and that's the problem.
- Justice: Wait for me.
- Jay: What, here?
- Devil Jay: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Man, what the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the set up. Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch! Girls like that kinda shit.
- Devil Jay 2: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Right about here is where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out, but we bitch-slapped that motherfucker and send him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let it rip boy...
- [Both devils disappear]
- Angel Jay: [with a black eye, appears out of nowhere and singing] Jesus loves the little children...
- [Stops singing]
- Angel Jay: Oh sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here?
- [looks down at Jay's erection]
- Angel Jay: Oh shit! Don't tell me your thinking of whipping your dick at that fine piece of woman, are you?
- [Jay nods. Angel slaps Jay with his harp]
- Angel Jay: Tell you what... Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks that a good idea to whip your dick out.
- [Jay looks at Silent Bob with a questioning look. Silent Bob shakes his head]
- Angel Jay: That's it boy, put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv-bullshit's gonna work for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nooch. Now I gotta beat the shit out of those punch-sucker little bitches. Remember: Don't pull your dick out 'till she asks... or until she's sleeping. BOOOONG...
- Hooker #1: Hey, little man! You want some of this?
- Hooker #2: How 'bout you, big boy?
- Hooker #1: You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.
- Jay: Oh, yeah? How nasty?
- Hooker #1: As nasty as you want to be, papi.
- Jay: Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.
- [brief silence]
- Hooker #1: Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return!
- [both hookers leave]
- Jay: What? You said "nasty"!
- [to Silent Bob]
- Jay: Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.
- Jay: Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who fucked the pie?!
- Jason Biggs: You see! It's never "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or- or "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie! I'm HAUNTED by it!
- James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie.
- Jason Biggs: ENOUGH.
- Chaka: This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2.
- Chaka's Production Assistant: Or House Party 3!
- Chaka: Shut the fuck up.
- Teen #1: Jay says you guys had a Star Wars themed wedding, and you tied the knot dressed as Storm Troopers.
- Teen #2: Yeah, and he says you're the bitch and you're the butch.
- Dante Hicks: I'm the bitch!?
- Randal Graves: Well, if we were gay, that's the way I'd see it.
- Dante Hicks: Will you shut up!?
- Teen #1: [to Teen #2] Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over.
- Jay: [singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck,
Mother, mother fuck,
Mother, mother fuck, fuck
Mother fuck, mother fuck,
Noich noich noich,
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4,
Noich, noich noich
Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz,
Doin' coke, drinkin' beers,
Drinkin' beers, beers, beers,
Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts,
Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts.
Rollin' blunts and smokinem...[Stops when Silent Bob points out two customers]
- Teen #2: Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
- Jay: [singing] Fifteen bucks, little man,
Put that shit in my hand,
If that money doesn't show,
Then you owe me, owe me, owe,
My jungle love, yeah,
Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe,
I think I want to know ya, know ya,
- Teen #1: What the hell are you singing?
- Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.
- Teen #2: You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
- [Silent Bob points to the two teens]
- Teen #1: Yeah, Purple Rain.
- Teen #2: Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.
- [James Van Der Beek and Jason Biggs are being arrested by mistake]
- James Van Der Beek: You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anyone watch the WB?
- Jason Biggs: I'm a teen idol, dammit! Don't you recognize me? Look at me! I'm the pie fucker!
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: [to his buddies] Yeah, well. In prison, he'll be the pie.
- Jay: Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like "The Piano" and "The Crying Game".
- Brodie: Yeah, but then they made "She's All That" and it went downhill from there.
- [fighting about Jason Biggs blatant homophobia]
- Jason Biggs: No. I, I love gay people.
- James Van Der Beek: Yeah, I'll bet you do.
- Jason Biggs: No, I'm fine with gay...
- [Jason Biggs notices the Chimpanzee]
- Jason Biggs: Oh, look at the monkey.
- James Van Der Beek: Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay.
- Jason Biggs: Well, how do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole?
- Jay: What's twistin' this bitches tit?
- Justice: Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
- Jay: They don't? How 'bout fine piece of ass?
- Justice: How 'bout not.
- Jay: Then what the fuck am I supposed to call you?
- Justice: Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.
- Jay:...Boo Boo Kitty Fuck?
- Justice: That's... a start.
- Jay: It's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust up some people who were calling us names on the internet, even thought they're not really talking about us but characters based on us, and at the same time find my ex-girlfriend-who-was-killed-by-a-car-explosion's monkey.
- Pumpkin Escobar: Man... I don't know what the FUCK you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart.
- Jay: [after tossing Brent out of the van] Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker?
- Brent: I would *never* fuck a sheep!
- [sees a sheep in a nearby field]
- Brent: Hey there. How you doing?
- [reaches for a condom]
- Brent: I *love* animals.
- [goes for the sheep]
- Jay: Hey, lawdog.
- [Willenholly realizes Jay & Silent Bob didn't jump]
- Whillenholly: Aww, Fuck Meeeee!.
- Jay: See you in hell, cocksmoker!
- Silent Bob's Mother: Bobby Boy, stay here while mommy picks up the free cheese, kay? Here, this will keep the sun out of your eyes.
- [puts a baseball cap on his head backwards]
- Silent Bob's Mother: You be good, now.
- [walks in store, then Jay and his Mom arrive]
- Jay's Mother: Alright, don't you fuckin' move you little shit machine. Your Momma's going to try to score.
- Passerby: What the hell? 'Scuse me. Who's watchin these babies?
- Jay's Mother: Uh - the fat one's watchin the little one?
- Passerby: Oh yeah, nice parenting. Leave 'em out here like that and see what happens.
- Jay's Mother: YO, FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SQUARE! Can you believe that fucking guy telling me how to fucking raise you? Motherfucker, man. Who's he fucking think he is, doing that outside the fucking store, right? Fuck!
- [to Jay]
- Brent: What's your damage, little boy? You've got a sick and twisted world perspective.
- Willenholly: Oh my God. I'm paralyzed! That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! Oh sweet irony!
- Justice: You're not paralyzed. It was just a tranquilizer.
- [after the "Bluntman & Chronic" premiere]
- Banky: God, I'm so embarrassed.
- Hooper: You should be. They took your intellectual property and turned it into one 90-minute long gay joke. It was like watching "Batman & Robin" all over again.
- [Willenholly and the Utah police confront Jay and Silent Bob]
- Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son! That's the ape!
- Whillenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm about to avoid here by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go!
- Jay: So, you think I could get a little kiss for good luck?
- [Justice kisses him passionately]
- Jay: Think I could get a little blow job for good luck?
- Justice: [smiles] No. Go.
- Jay: Fuck...
- [Silent Bob tries to get a good luck kiss of his own]
- Jay: Get off my Kool-Aid motherfucka! [drags him away]
- Justice: They didn't really steal the monkey. It was just a diversion so we could steal these.
- [showing a bag of stolen diamonds]
- Justice: And they're not the leaders of the C.L.I.T. The C.L.I.T is not real.
- Whillenholly: No, no! No, the clit is real! The clit is real- it's the female orgasm that's the myth!
- Whillenholly: Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.
- Sheriff: One rectal breach comin' up.
- [about Jay]
- Banky: Your friend's a fucking clown shoe, you know that?
- Silent Bob: You know, after about five movies, I'm starting to realize that.
- Whillenholly: Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go.
- [to Jay]
- Whillenholly: Hey, stop stealing monkeys.
- Jay: Fuck you!
- Whillenholly: Fair enough.
- Assistant Director(GWH 2): Okay, you two. Just stand there, and react. Don't say anything!
- [Points to Silent Bob]
- Assistant Director(GWH 2): Especially you.
- Jay: [to Silent Bob] That's pretty funny.
- Justice: If I go to prison will you wait for me?
- Jay: Hmm, I don't know. Will you fuck me when you get out?
- [Justice kisses him passionately]
- Jay: Don't change the subject. Will you fuck me when you get out?
- Justice: Snoogans.
- [Goes back to kissing Jay]
- Banky: Uh, Chaka? Hi, I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of "Bluntman and Chronic." We met a few weeks back, I'm the executive producer.
- Chaka: Oh, you're the executive producer! Well, why don't you executive produce me a latte - De-Crackinate it! Okay, Fucky?
- Banky: Actually, it's Banky.
- Chaka: No, it is Fucky!
- [Walt and Steve-Dave leave the premiere of Bluntman & Chronic]
- Steve-Dave Pulasti: Why can't Hollywood make a decent comic book movie?
- Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell 'em Steve-Dave.
- Steve-Dave Pulasti: Would you stop saying that?
- Whillenholly: And might I add, that is one fine looking boy you are raising.
- Jay: Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I fuck on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% queer. He LOVES the cock.
- Whillenholly: The C.L.I.T. is an offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
- Reg Hartner: Oh, you mean the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement?
- Daphne: I think they passed out.
- Fred: Great. What do we do with them now?
- Shaggy: Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them to the black market and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.
- Jay: Hey, I'll make you a deal - this guy [points to Silent Bob] will suck your dick off if you let us go.
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in Hollywood is a homosexual.
- Jay: How about this deal- he'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off.
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: ... Alright.
- [takes Jay and Silent Bob behind a wall, out of sight]
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Make it fast and sexy.
- Jay: [to Silent Bob] It's either this or jail. And you know what they do to you in jail.
- 'Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: [Looks to Silent Bob] ... I was a prison guard. Alright, and after it's all over, you say "Ooh, what a lovely tea party".
- Matt Damon: Just take it from "It's a good course."
- Ben Affleck: Oh, now you're the director.
- Matt Damon: Hey shove it, Bounce-boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this shit in the first place. Talking me into Dogma was one thing, but this...
- Ben Affleck: Hey look, I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever-gay-serial-killers-who-ride-horses-and-like-to-play-golf-touchy-feely-picture you're supposed to be doing this week.
- Matt Damon: I take it you haven't seen Forces of Nature?
- Ben Affleck: You're like a child. What've I been telling you? You gotta do the safe picture. Then you can do the art picture. But then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture because your friend says you owe him.
- [They both take a beat and look at the camera, referencing past View Askew movies]
- Ben Affleck: And sometimes, you have to go back to the well.
- Matt Damon: And sometimes, you do Reindeer Games.
- Ben Affleck: See, that's just mean.
- Banky: Well, you're rich, you're in love
- [to Jay]
- Banky: Well, *you're* in love. And you've both got your own monkey. What more could two guys from New Jersey want?
- Jay: Well, to have all these fucks stop talking shit about us on the Internet.
- Banky: What've I been telling you? There's nothing you can do about it. Well, aside from showing up at all their houses and beating the shit out of them.
- Whillenholly: Why are you shooting at me? I'm just a Federal Wildlife Marshall.
- Chrissy: Two reasons. One: we're walking, talking, bad girl cliches!
- Missy: And two: because you're a man!
- Whillenholly: Only on the outside.
- Chaka's Production Assistant: Here's your coffee sir.
- Chaka: Did you spit in it?
- Chaka's Production Assistant: I didn't spit in it sir.
- Chaka: Any boogers in it?
- Chaka's Production Assistant: There's no boogers in it sir.
- Chaka: You went to film school didn't you? Must piss you off to see a black man runnin' a big old production like this, huh? Went to film school. Does your daddy know you give a nigga his coffee? It would kill him, wouldn't it!
- Chaka's Production Assistant: There's no boogers in it sir.
- Chaka: Then taste it. Taste the booger flavor. I know it's in there!
- Shannen Doherty: Fucking Miramax! Cut!
- Wes Craven: Shannen, I usually say cut.
- Shannen Doherty: A monkey? Wes? Jesus, you're not even trying anymore are you?
- Wes Craven: The Market research says that people love monkeys.
- [Jay and Silent Bob run in and grab the monkey]
- Jay: WE LOVE THIS MONKEY!
- [to a crew member]
- Jay: Do something!
- Wes Craven: See?
- Jay: So all we's gotta do is stop this fuckin' movie from getting made!
- Holden: Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?
- [Holden, Jay, and Bob look into the camera]
- James Van Der Beek: [about "Dawson's Creek"] You actually watch that show?
- Jay: Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to 3rd base with her?
- James Van Der Beek: Well, actually there was this one time...
- Hitchhiker: [explaining why he gives head for rides] Have you seen the price of bus tickets lately. There's no way I'm gonna cough up 200 bucks just to get to Chicago.
- Jay: Fuck that, I don't wanna cough up some dude's sperm.
- Hitchhiker: Don't be so suburban. It's the new millennium. Gay, straight... it's all the same now. There are no more lines.
- Jay: Well there's a line, and on this side of it, we ain't gay.
- Steve-Dave Pulasti: [at Brodie's Secret Stash] Boy, Walt. This store sure does suck ass, doesn't it?
- Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell him, Steve-Dave.
- Brodie: You're both banned.
- Steve-Dave Pulasti: Holy Shit. Un-ban us. This guy'll suck your dick.
- Brodie: I'm sure he will.
- Walt "Fanboy" Grover: [Steve-Dave is forcing him onto his knees] NO!
- [believing Jay and Silent Bob to be their stunt doubles]
- Jason Biggs: You're doubling me, obviously. I play Bluntman, aka Silent Bill.
- James Van Der Beek: Bob.
- Jason Biggs: Right. And he's playing Chronic, aka Ray.
- James Van Der Beek: Jay. Fuck, Biggs, did you even READ the script?
- Jason Biggs: There's a script?
- James Van Der Beek: Listen, Potzer!
- Jason Biggs: There's a script for this movie?
- James Van Der Beek: You wouldn't last A DAY on the Creek. A day.
- Jason Biggs: Fuck you and your Dawson's Crap! Go to hell, Pacey! Go to hell!
- James Van Der Beek: At least call me by the right fucking character.
- Jay: If today is Tuesday and the movie starts filming on Friday, we have...
- [counting his fingers, holds up ten]
- Jay: ...eight days.
- Holden: Uh, three by my count, but close.
- Jay: Right. My bad. Three days to stop that fucking movie from getting made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're going to Hollywood!
- Steve Kmetko: Rumor is Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are working on a super secret project on the lot. Have you seen them roaming around?
- Jules Asner: No, Steve. But I did see Casey Affleck buying a soda from a concession stand.
- Jay: And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?
- Brent: [getting into the van] Say, what's all this talk about farting?
- Clark: [during filming for Good Will Hunting 2] You're just no longer any good, Will Hunting. Now how do *you* like *them apples*?
- Ben Affleck: [in huddle with Damon] I don't like the sound of them apples, Will. What are we gonna do?
- Matt Damon: Chucky, it's hunting season.
- [Will pulls out his shotgun and blows the guy away]
- Ben Affleck: Applesauce. Bitch.
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Brenda?
- Shannen Doherty: Dick!