Jeff Dunham

From Quotes
The aim of life is some way of living, as flexible and gentle as human nature; so that ambition may stoop to kindness, and philosophy to condor and humor. Neither prosperity nor empire nor heaven can be worth winning at the price of a virulent temper, bloody hands, an anguished spirit, and a vain hatred of the rest of the world.
George Santayana
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Jeff Dunham (born 1960) is a ventriloquist and stand-up comedian. He has performed on numerous comedy shows, including Comedy Central Presents in 2003. He has released two DVDs: Arguing With Myself, released in April 2006, and Spark of Insanity, released in September 2007. A third, Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, will be in November 2008. Some of his usual puppets include a woozle named Peanut, a bitter old man named Walter, and José Jalapeño, a talking jalapeño pepper on a stick. In performances, Jeff plays the straight-man, opposite his various puppets' personalities.

Comedy Central Presents (2003)

Jeff: Do you fight crime?
Melvin: Of course!
Jeff: What kind of crime?
Melvin: The... bad kind!

Jeff: So you have children?
Melvin: Two boys!
Jeff: What do they do?
Melvin: They piss me off!
Jeff: Do you have an arch-nemesis?
Melvin: What?
Jeff: Do you have an arch-nemesis?
Melvin: No, I wear corrective shoes!

Jeff: The flight from L.A.?
Peanut: Was long as hell!
Jeff: When we got here?
Peanut: Cold as hell!
Jeff: Gotten a taxi?
Peanut: Scary as hell!
Jeff: Driver?
Peanut: Couldn't speak English like hell!
Jeff: Checking into a hotel?
Peanut: Expensive as hell!
Jeff: So?
Peanut: We're in hell. And these are our hellmates!

Peanut: [talking about a Utah zoo] They're having trouble with their giraffe population. They lost another giraffe! Apparently, he got sick, collapsed, threw up, and died!
Jeff: Very sad. Nothing funny about that. What was so funny?
Peanut: The throwing up part! A giraffe throwing up — think about it! It'll take forever! [Peanut makes fake puking noises for ten seconds]

Peanut: Jose, where'd ya go?
Jose: I went to Alaska.
Peanut: Did ya have fun?
Jose: No.
Peanut: Why not?
Jose: I froze my steek! [Peanut looks at the stick]
Peanut: That had to hurt! How'd he get on the stick?
Jeff: I dunno.
Peanut: Probably a horrible pogo accident, you know: "Boing boing! Criiick!" OLE! [stares again at the stick]
Jose: [annoyed] Stop looking at my stick!

Arguing With Myself (2006)

Jeff: So, your wife's in town?
Walter: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: Is she having a good time here?
Walter: She is always having a good time.
Jeff Dunham: Oh, good.
Walter: Pisses me off....
Jeff: She's a lovely lady.
Walter: She gettin' old!
Jeff: Women age like, like fine wine.
Walter: [referring to his own wife] She's aging like milk.

Jeff: So how long have you and your wife been together?
Walter: Uh, let's see, forty-six years.
Jeff Dunham: And what was the happiest time in your life?
Walter: Forty-seven years ago! How long've you been married?
Jeff: Fifteen years.
Walter: You'll see.
Jeff Dunham: See what?
Walter: Remember when you said, "Till death do us part"?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Walter: Later you'll realize you were actually setting a goal.

Jeff Dunham: [trying to convince Peanut what a great city Santa Ana is] There's a lot of history in this city.
Peanut: [as he moves an arm as if to point at imaginary words] Translated: Old, as, shit!
Jeff Dunham: They've been rejuvenating, refurbishing-
Peanut: Polish a turd, it's still a turd!

[Peanut and Jose speak to each other in Spanish.]
Jeff: What're you doing?
Peanut: A-speaking in Jose's tongue!
Jeff: Well don't do that.
Peanut: Why not?
Jeff: It makes me feel left out.
Peanut: Huh?!
Jeff Dunham: I don't speak Spanish!
[Peanut and Jose look at him, then Jose turns from Jeff singing the famous tune from The Twilight Zone]
Peanut: "Picture if you will..."

[Jeff almost drops Jose Jalapeño On a Stick.]
Peanut: Woah! I thought you were gonna drop him. That would've been...funny as hell!
Jose: Do not drop me, señor.
Jeff Dunham: I won't drop you, Jose.
Jose: Because then I would be Jose Jalapeño on the floor.
Peanut: Do a little tap dance and we've got salsa.
Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
Peanut: Not with the right kind of chips, it's not!

Spark of Insanity (2007)

Jeff Dunham: So I heard your birthday came not too long ago.
Walter: Yep.
Jeff Dunham: Did your wife get you anything?
Walter: Eh, she got me a book on reincarnation.
Jeff Dunham: Do you believe in it?
Walter: Hell, I don't know.
Jeff Dunham: Well, if you died, who would you come back as, and what would you do?
Walter: I'd come back as my wife, and leave me the Hell aloooone!

Jeff: How do you spell your name?
Achmed: Oh, let's see, an A... C... phlegm... (audience laughs) Silence! I kill you!
Jeff: So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I'd suppose you have some sort of speciality.
Achmed: Yes, I am a suicide bomber.
Jeff: Ah. So, you're finished.
Achmed: What?
Jeff: You've done your job.
Achmed: No I haven't.
Jeff: But you're dead.
Achmed: No I'm not. I feel fine.
Jeff: But you're all bone.
Achmed: It's a flesh wound.

Jeff: All right listen, Achmed, I have something to tell you.
Achmed: What?
Jeff: You really are dead.
Achmed: Are you sure?
Jeff: Yes.
Achmed: I just got my flu shot... Wait, if I'm dead, that means I get my seventy-two virgins! (looks at crowd) Are you my virgins? I hope not!
Jeff: Why?
Achmed: There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there! If this is paradise, I've been screwed!

[talking to Melvin, The Superhero Guy]
Jeff: So you're married. Does she have any powers?
Melvin: Once a month, she becomes evil! And I can't defeat her! Our children run in terror! Our big dog cowers under the couch!
Jeff: You have a dog?
Melvin: Actually, I borrowed your Chihuahua.
Jeff: You know, Superman has a dog. Crypto, he has all the same powers as Superman does.
Melvin: That's ridiculous. If Crypto sniffs your crotch, he'll suck your lungs out your ass! You'll be in traction for years!
Jeff: Do you have an arch-enemy?
Melvin: Pinocchio!
Jeff: So, do you have a weakness?
Melvin: Yes. Cupcakes.... and porn. [audience groans/laughs/claps] Well, not at the same time. I need a free hand!

Peanut: [talking about Jeff's wife] Well, what if she's been with someone else? Like, ME! [audience laughs] Oh, come on! You go purple, you never go back!
Jeff Dunham: I seriously don't think my wife has slept with you.
Peanut: Well, think about this for a second: In a weird, twisted way, all five of us onstage have slept with your wife. When you're wild and having a great time, that's meeee! When you're mad and thinking, "Why did I marry this broad?" That's Walter. When you're so angry, you want to kill her, that's Achmed.
Jeff Dunham: And what is José Jalapeño on a stick?
Peanut: You're a sick man!

Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (2008)

Jeff: So, Bubba J, I hear you wrote a letter to Santa.
Bubba J: Yep. I wrote it on my computer.
Jeff: Did you send it to him?
Bubba J: Ah, no. My computer don’t fit in the mailbox.

Bubba J: It’s not every day you see a 12-point buck right on your own roof. We ate good for a month.

Achmed: [to the tune of Jingle Bells]
Dashing through the sand
With a bomb strapped to my back,
I have a nasty plan
For Christmas in Iraq.
I got through checkpoint A,
But not through checkpoint B,
I got shot in the ass
By the U.S. military.
Oh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs,
Mine blew up, you see.
Where are all the virgins that
Bin Laden promised me?

Peanut: I don’t think José celebrates Christmas.
Jeff: No?
Peanut: Yeah, they have somethin’ called Nav-ee-dad.
Jeff: Really?
Peanut: Yeah, and they celebrate it with some chick named Phyllis.
Jeff: Phyllice Naveedad.
Peanut: Yeah that bitch.

Jeff: José, what would you like for Christmas?
Peanut: I think he needs a bigger stick.
José: That’s not what your mother said.

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