Jeff Dunham (born 1960) is a ventriloquist and stand-up comedian. He has performed on numerous comedy shows, including Comedy Central Presents in 2003. He has released two DVDs: Arguing With Myself, released in April 2006, and Spark of Insanity, released in September 2007. A third, Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, will be in November 2008. Some of his usual puppets include a woozle named Peanut, a bitter old man named Walter, and José Jalapeño, a talking jalapeño pepper on a stick. In performances, Jeff plays the straight-man, opposite his various puppets' personalities.
Comedy Central Presents (2003)
- Jeff: Do you fight crime?
- Melvin: Of course!
- Jeff: What kind of crime?
- Melvin: The... bad kind!
- Jeff: So you have children?
- Melvin: Two boys!
- Jeff: What do they do?
- Melvin: They piss me off!
- Jeff: Do you have an arch-nemesis?
- Melvin: What?
- Jeff: Do you have an arch-nemesis?
- Melvin: No, I wear corrective shoes!
- Jeff: The flight from L.A.?
- Peanut: Was long as hell!
- Jeff: When we got here?
- Peanut: Cold as hell!
- Jeff: Gotten a taxi?
- Peanut: Scary as hell!
- Jeff: Driver?
- Peanut: Couldn't speak English like hell!
- Jeff: Checking into a hotel?
- Peanut: Expensive as hell!
- Jeff: So?
- Peanut: We're in hell. And these are our hellmates!
- Peanut: [talking about a Utah zoo] They're having trouble with their giraffe population. They lost another giraffe! Apparently, he got sick, collapsed, threw up, and died!
- Jeff: Very sad. Nothing funny about that. What was so funny?
- Peanut: The throwing up part! A giraffe throwing up — think about it! It'll take forever! [Peanut makes fake puking noises for ten seconds]
- Peanut: Jose, where'd ya go?
- Jose: I went to Alaska.
- Peanut: Did ya have fun?
- Jose: No.
- Peanut: Why not?
- Jose: I froze my steek! [Peanut looks at the stick]
- Peanut: That had to hurt! How'd he get on the stick?
- Jeff: I dunno.
- Peanut: Probably a horrible pogo accident, you know: "Boing boing! Criiick!" OLE! [stares again at the stick]
- Jose: [annoyed] Stop looking at my stick!
Arguing With Myself (2006)
- Jeff: So, your wife's in town?
- Walter: Yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: Is she having a good time here?
- Walter: She is always having a good time.
- Jeff Dunham: Oh, good.
- Walter: Pisses me off....
- Jeff: She's a lovely lady.
- Walter: She gettin' old!
- Jeff: Women age like, like fine wine.
- Walter: [referring to his own wife] She's aging like milk.
- Jeff: So how long have you and your wife been together?
- Walter: Uh, let's see, forty-six years.
- Jeff Dunham: And what was the happiest time in your life?
- Walter: Forty-seven years ago! How long've you been married?
- Jeff: Fifteen years.
- Walter: You'll see.
- Jeff Dunham: See what?
- Walter: Remember when you said, "Till death do us part"?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
- Walter: Later you'll realize you were actually setting a goal.
- Jeff Dunham: [trying to convince Peanut what a great city Santa Ana is] There's a lot of history in this city.
- Peanut: [as he moves an arm as if to point at imaginary words] Translated: Old, as, shit!
- Jeff Dunham: They've been rejuvenating, refurbishing-
- Peanut: Polish a turd, it's still a turd!
- [Peanut and Jose speak to each other in Spanish.]
- Jeff: What're you doing?
- Peanut: A-speaking in Jose's tongue!
- Jeff: Well don't do that.
- Peanut: Why not?
- Jeff: It makes me feel left out.
- Peanut: Huh?!
- Jeff Dunham: I don't speak Spanish!
- [Peanut and Jose look at him, then Jose turns from Jeff singing the famous tune from The Twilight Zone]
- Peanut: "Picture if you will..."
- [Jeff almost drops Jose Jalapeño On a Stick.]
- Peanut: Woah! I thought you were gonna drop him. That would've been...funny as hell!
- Jose: Do not drop me, señor.
- Jeff Dunham: I won't drop you, Jose.
- Jose: Because then I would be Jose Jalapeño on the floor.
- Peanut: Do a little tap dance and we've got salsa.
- Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
- Peanut: Not with the right kind of chips, it's not!
Spark of Insanity (2007)
- Jeff Dunham: So I heard your birthday came not too long ago.
- Walter: Yep.
- Jeff Dunham: Did your wife get you anything?
- Walter: Eh, she got me a book on reincarnation.
- Jeff Dunham: Do you believe in it?
- Walter: Hell, I don't know.
- Jeff Dunham: Well, if you died, who would you come back as, and what would you do?
- Walter: I'd come back as my wife, and leave me the Hell aloooone!
- Jeff: How do you spell your name?
- Achmed: Oh, let's see, an A... C... phlegm... (audience laughs) Silence! I kill you!
- Jeff: So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I'd suppose you have some sort of speciality.
- Achmed: Yes, I am a suicide bomber.
- Jeff: Ah. So, you're finished.
- Achmed: What?
- Jeff: You've done your job.
- Achmed: No I haven't.
- Jeff: But you're dead.
- Achmed: No I'm not. I feel fine.
- Jeff: But you're all bone.
- Achmed: It's a flesh wound.
- Jeff: All right listen, Achmed, I have something to tell you.
- Achmed: What?
- Jeff: You really are dead.
- Achmed: Are you sure?
- Jeff: Yes.
- Achmed: I just got my flu shot... Wait, if I'm dead, that means I get my seventy-two virgins! (looks at crowd) Are you my virgins? I hope not!
- Jeff: Why?
- Achmed: There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there! If this is paradise, I've been screwed!
- [talking to Melvin, The Superhero Guy]
- Jeff: So you're married. Does she have any powers?
- Melvin: Once a month, she becomes evil! And I can't defeat her! Our children run in terror! Our big dog cowers under the couch!
- Jeff: You have a dog?
- Melvin: Actually, I borrowed your Chihuahua.
- Jeff: You know, Superman has a dog. Crypto, he has all the same powers as Superman does.
- Melvin: That's ridiculous. If Crypto sniffs your crotch, he'll suck your lungs out your ass! You'll be in traction for years!
- Jeff: Do you have an arch-enemy?
- Melvin: Pinocchio!
- Jeff: So, do you have a weakness?
- Melvin: Yes. Cupcakes.... and porn. [audience groans/laughs/claps] Well, not at the same time. I need a free hand!
- Peanut: [talking about Jeff's wife] Well, what if she's been with someone else? Like, ME! [audience laughs] Oh, come on! You go purple, you never go back!
- Jeff Dunham: I seriously don't think my wife has slept with you.
- Peanut: Well, think about this for a second: In a weird, twisted way, all five of us onstage have slept with your wife. When you're wild and having a great time, that's meeee! When you're mad and thinking, "Why did I marry this broad?" That's Walter. When you're so angry, you want to kill her, that's Achmed.
- Jeff Dunham: And what is José Jalapeño on a stick?
- Peanut: You're a sick man!
Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (2008)
- Jeff: So, Bubba J, I hear you wrote a letter to Santa.
- Bubba J: Yep. I wrote it on my computer.
- Jeff: Did you send it to him?
- Bubba J: Ah, no. My computer don’t fit in the mailbox.
- Bubba J: It’s not every day you see a 12-point buck right on your own roof. We ate good for a month.
- Achmed: [to the tune of Jingle Bells]
Dashing through the sand
With a bomb strapped to my back,
I have a nasty plan
For Christmas in Iraq.
- I got through checkpoint A,
But not through checkpoint B,
I got shot in the ass
By the U.S. military.
- Oh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs,
Mine blew up, you see.
Where are all the virgins that
Bin Laden promised me?
- Peanut: I don’t think José celebrates Christmas.
- Jeff: No?
- Peanut: Yeah, they have somethin’ called Nav-ee-dad.
- Jeff: Really?
- Peanut: Yeah, and they celebrate it with some chick named Phyllis.
- Jeff: Phyllice Naveedad.
- Peanut: Yeah that bitch.
- Jeff: José, what would you like for Christmas?
- Peanut: I think he needs a bigger stick.
- José: That’s not what your mother said.