Jeff Foxworthy (born September 6, 1958) is an American comedian and actor, and a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
- People think everyone from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I tell 'em, "Hell, I'm just dating my sister, and I could swear it wasn't a weather balloon".
- You moon the wrong person at an office party, and suddenly you're not "professional" any more.
- Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.
- There are so many drugs out there. They advertise this prescription stuff, and I swear, nine times out of ten, the side-effects are fifty times worse than what the thing cures. It's like, "Try new Fluorofluor. For itchy, watery eyes, it's Fluorofluor. Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, eczema, seporiasoriasis, itching, chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammertoe, the shanks, low sperm count, warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home... feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, clubfoot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving and sexual dysfunction." I'm watching it, going, "You know what? I'll just have itchy, watery eyes..."
- You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!
- I have two daughters. I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters, so almost every day, I have to drive them to school. And last year, while I was driving them to school, we ran out of gas in the carpool lane because my wife does not realize it's actually legal for women to purchase gasoline, so... But we run out of gas and people are honking the horn and having to back up and go around and the kids are mortified. So the next morning, when I took them, I made sure that tank was as full as it could possibly be, and I pull up to the front of the school, and they have these assistant teachers that help open the door. And I'm not even trying to be funny. I roll down the passenger window and yell out, "I've got gas this morning!"
- I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles. - The Tonight Show, 27 March 2007
2007 CMT Awards
- Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.
You Might Be a Redneck If... (album)
- Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they'll spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.
- When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn."
- The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... "No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!"
- Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men will actually get up, go outside and say, "Hey baby! Man it's hot as hell out here! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna take a nap now."
Games Rednecks Play
- Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!
- If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!"
- The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their boss's front yard... But it's better than the system we used to use: "Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C'mon, whaddaya say? We'll buy ya a beer!"
- [from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says "Back in five minutes."
- On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
- You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
Have Your Loved Ones Spayed or Neutered
- A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
- (To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars"!
- If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.
- If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married.
- Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
- I've said before that working with Larry is kind of like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After about five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
- In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.
- Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
- [about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance]
- I say "Yes, I would. 'Cause you've got a Ford Fiesta that's about to see more airtime than a skateboard at the X-Games."
- [about a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store clerk with a million dollar bill and asked for change]
- She goes "I'll bet it was a counterfeit million dollar bill." Kinda like your high school diploma, huh?
One of Jeff Foxworthy's trademarks is a series of one-liners denoting ways in which people might be a redneck. The lines usually take on the format "If... ...yoooooou might be a redneck". Many of Foxworthy's "redneck-isms" were given to him by fans. Examples include:
- If you own a home that is mobile, and fourteen cars that aren't.
- If your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.
- If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
- If your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. (Jeff then adds, "A little finger pointing going on in the audience.")
- If you've been on television more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.
- If you have used a bar stool as a walker. (Ron White raises his hand)
- If you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house. (Jeff raises his hand after Bill, Larry, and Ron point at him - Bill even holds up four fingers)
- If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
- If you've ever cut your grass and found a car.
- If an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.
- If you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
- If you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
- If you go to the family reunion to meet women.
- If you think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour. (Ron White raises his hand)
- If you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
- If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner. (Ron White raises his hand.)
- If you've ever ridden an electric floor buffer. (Bill Engvall fessed up to this, claiming "tequila was involved, get off me" causing Jeff to ask "I wonder how many times his wife has said that.")
- If you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.
- If you own a Waffle House credit card.
- If you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.
- If you own a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
- If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.
- If you smoked during your wedding.
- If your dog passes gas and you claim it.
- If your daughter's Barbie Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.
- If you've ever made change in the offering plate. (Jeff: "Guilty.")
- If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate".
- If your working television sits on top of your non-working television.
- If you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.
- If directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
- If you think 'N Sync is where the dirty dishes go.
- If you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't. (At this point, Larry the Cable Guy raises his hand; Jeff then adds "Think about that and try to sleep tonight.")
- If somebody hollers "ho-down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
- If the biggest city you have ever been to is Wal-Mart.
- If you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.
- If you've ever taken an RV to a drive-in movie.
- If you've ever heard the phrase "come and move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
- If you wear someone else's work shirt.
- If you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver. (Jeff had told the story of audience members relating it happening to a family member earlier in the show)
- If you refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year".
- If the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
- If you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.
- If your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.
- If your family tree dose not fork.
- If you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
- If you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags".
- Jeff's 'Here's Your Sign' Joke (from Blue Collar Comedy Tour)
- Jeff: I'm having my house repainted and we have a piano in the corner and the painter says, "Is that yall's piano?" I said, "No, that's our coffee table; it just has buck teeth. Here's Your Sign."