Happiness is like those palaces in fairy tales whose gates are guarded by dragons: we must fight in order to conquer it.Alexandre Dumas
- It seems a shallow observation, but… the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?
- … really very critical of hereditary peers, but they — I mean — they've got their faults, but some of those faults have been in the family for generations.
- You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.
- I don't get this fashion for happy funerals. He said he wanted all his mates to be in a good mood and smile, and this is a very fashionable idea, that when you die, it's supposed to be a celebration and joyous and everyone laughing, but I want people's lives torn apart when I go. I want to be embalmed and brought out when we have guests.
- My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her "You're eleven, make your own!"
- Have you ever looked at Kylie's teeth? Those teeth are proportional to the teeth of a camel in the mouth of a toddler.
- The need to compile lists is a personality disorder, as is the need to assert the superiority of some things over other things.
- All socialists have bad backs because we slouch — except when we’re watching the news when we sit on the edge of our seats, shout, and wave our arms. Generally we sit hunched, arms crossed in a judgemental way, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown.
- Why don't they just accept that life is sad and cheer up it's not forever.
- The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.
- Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.