From the video on the the following website: 
- I never know what to do on Halloween. I just don't know, and then Thanksgiving follows that up. What the hell is that all about?
- Celebrate the pilgrims? Fuck them. What a bunch of morons! You ever look at them? They had belts on their hats. I would' ve loved to have been at that meeting. How stupid were these people? Our hats keep blowing off in the wind. Let's put belts on them. Good thinking, Jacob!
- Anything else? Our shoes keep falling off. Buckles, you say!
"Quit staring at my nose. Born with an elbow stuck to my face. Christ, I'm an ugly man. Oh I've noticed it. I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think: "Fuck". And get a ruler and measure this son of a bitch right here. I got a high forehead all of a sudden. Lately I've been walking around like this, so people don't notice. Oh, I'm not going bald, I'm just real optimistic about everything."
"Gettin' old, I can't stop it. What a miserable life this turned out to be. Losin' the hair on my head. Getting some new hair right above my ass at the back. What the hell kinda tradeoff is that? When am I ever gonna use this hair, right here? Unless I become a television repair man. You've seen those guys. What the hell is their problem? Your crack is sticking out of your pants, man. Can you not feel that? Come here. Pffffffft."
"Let's get out of here. Let's just go. 300 of us. That'd be great. Let's go bowling right now. Oh Christ that'd be hysterical. We show up at the same bowling alley at the same time. Just freak the guy behind the counter out. We're here! 'Holy fuck. I don't have shoes for these people!' "
"Last night I dreamt three bald ducks burst into my bedroom and started pecking my pillow 'cause they wanted their feathers back. What the hell does that mean, Freud: my pillows are foam!"
"I live in a place called Tarzana. Heh. That's what they call it. Tarzana. They stick a "A" at the end, they think no one is going to figure it out. It's Tarzan. I live in a tree house! My next door neighbor's the Keebler elf. Oh I hate that little prick. Keeps me up night making cookies in his tree. That's no way to run a business. There's zoning laws you fucking shrimp."
"Tarzana full of the biggest snails I've ever seen in my life. You don't get the snails in the East here. Snails the size of my hand just crawling across the side walk. No where near water, how the hell did they get there? I hate snails. I don't trust them. Pulling their house on their back. Walking around: "Nothing can harm me, I got my house on my back." Crunch. "Where'd that foot come from? Bastard broke my house. I don't have insurance."
"I got the colored lenses. I got the brown ones. Not a big seller the brown contact lenses. My eyes are naturally brown, but they're not the brown I was looking for. Do you have a more shit brown color for me? It really brings out my true personality."
"I have astigmatism in my eye, do you have the same problem? Yeah, it's when your eye goes screwy. My Optometrist said it was from years of doing stand-up comedy staring into the lights. Said he could fix it with laser surgery. I said what are you going to do, he said: 'I'm going to shine this light in your eyes."
"I used to live here in New York but now I live in Los Angeles, I had to move. L.A., what a miserable place that is. Nothing ever changes. "Oh the fall in L.A., what a beautiful time of year. So different than the other seasons! Look at that tree, I think it's changing color!" "No, it's just dead."
"Look at the Canadian flag. It's not a symbol of power. It's a leaf. Oh don't screw with Canada. They'll dry up and blow away."
"You go to see the dentist. What a weird twisted freak he is. I don't trust him. He sits you down in that chair. He shines that light in your eye, which is bad for my astigmatism. Takes pictures of your teeth and then he shows them to you. Like you're interested at all. "Oh those are great shots you got there, Dentist. How'd you get my teeth to pose together like that?" Ever try to get those pictures from him? He won't give them to you. He's all weird about it too isn't he? "No those are mine". "Alright, you keep 'em you freak. Bring them home, look at them late at night and touch yourself. See if I care."
"Canada should just attack another country. Man, no one would see that coming. Greatest coup in military history. Lay low for 275 years. Then attack...Turkey! Just show up, "Guess what, we're takin it. And we're calling it Chicken you assholes!"
"Maybe I'll have to go to the doctor now I guess. My guts are killin me, I hate the doctor. In Canada, it's free, the doctor, huh? Here ya gotta pay for it! I hate the doctor's guts. Comes out in his white smock with his pencils of knowledge in his pocket. Gives me useless advise everytime. "Say, Doc, my leg hurts." "Really, keep off it!" "Mmm Hmm Hmm...Thanks for the hot tip, Quincy. If you wouldn't've told me I'da jumped up and down on it for an hour! How much do I owe you, fountain of all knowledge?"
"Now I'm getting stuff in the mail, stuff I didn't send away for. Free samples, cookies all crumpled down at the bottom. Keebler elf, I'll kill him if I see him. He lives next door, he could've just walked them over."