Most people ask for happiness on condition. Happiness can only be felt if you don't set any condition.Arthur Rubinstein
Jim Gaffigan (7 July 1966 - )
- American Comedian
- 1 The Laziness Bit
- 2 The Sleep Bit
- 3 Hot Pockets Bit
- 4 Computers/Mail
- 5 The Family Bit
- 6 The Postcard Bit
- 7 The Book Bit
- 8 The Bottled Water Bit
- 9 Speaker phone
- 10 The Food Bit
- 11 Walking
- 12 The Mexican Food Bit
- 13 The Manatee Bit
- 14 The Catholic Bit
- 15 The Holidays Bit
- 16 The Glasses Bit
- 17 Various
- 18 External Links
The Laziness Bit
- You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
- You ever got one thing to do all day but you just can't get yourself to do it? I gotta go to the post office ... but I'd probably have to put on pants. They're only open until 5. I'm going to have to do that next week."
- I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget this shit! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"
- Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."
- You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, looks like I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
- You ever have the TV on and you can't find the remote? Gotta watch that one channel? You feel like you're in prison. "I gotta watch this ... I feel like I'm reading. Work."
- You ever talk about a movie with someone who read the book? They're always so condescending, "Ah, the book was much better than the movie." "Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie? No reading. It only took two hours, and then I could take a nap."
- That's a sign of laziness, when you can't quite reach the shift key.
- You ever read an article and at the bottom, it says "continued on page 6"? I'm like, "Not for me! I'm done. Why don't you stop bossing me around, bosser?"
Then I finally get to page 6, I can't even remember what I was reading. You ever read the ending to a different article? "Al Gore is running...from a waterfall?"
The Sleep Bit
- You ever been asleep at night, and you're awakened by a noise, and you're convinced there someone breaking into your house and they're gonna kill ya? But instead of getting up, you just go back to bed.
"Oh what is that a murderer? I gotta get some sleep, can't kill me if I'm asleep!"
That'd be embarrassing... you get to heaven: "Hey, how'd you die?"
"Oh me? I was too lazy to get out of bed. Yeah, I heard the guy in the kitchen and I thought I had an hour."
- Sleep can make you give up any principle...
"Hey do you want to help the homeless?"
"Yeah sure, I'll help the homeless."
"Alright, meet you Saturday at 6:00am."
"Oh, forget the homeless, they're homeless in the afternoon too. I think they're big brunch people. We should let them sleep in a little bit."
- Getting up early for me is a crisis.
"You gotta get up Tuesday at 5:00am"
That will affect my life,
"Hey man it's a Friday night, do you wanna go see a movie?"
"I gotta get up Tuesday! I should go to bed now, I'm already tired."
- As it is, I have to negotiate with myself just to get out of bed.
"Alright, here's the deal me; I'll get up, but I'm not taking a fucking shower. That's something we'll negotiate later on."
- It is amazing how much more important sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like...
"I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?"
But at night you're like...
"La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode, that Kirk Cameron always in trouble."
- Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For a second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."
- I love sleeping in. That can backfire though.
"Ugh, I got up at 4pm. Great, now when am I supposed to nap? My day's ruined."
- How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.
- You ever get too much sleep? You wake up and you're like...
"I got too much sleep... I gotta take a nap! I gotta get more of what I got too much of! I'm never going to be rested!"
- You ever have a dream where you get in an argument with someone, then the next time you see them they're like...
"Hey, how ya doin'?"
You're like... "Hey, fuck you! Don't act like you didn't push me off that cliff. You're lucky I had wings buddy, VERY LUCKY."
- It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
Hot Pockets Bit
- I'm moving a little slow tonight, I had a Hot Pocket for dinner. [applause] Good to see I'm not the only white trash here.
- I buy the Hot Pockets, I go in grocery stores, I'm like "Ah... I'll get these." I've never eaten a Hot Pocket then afterwards been "I'm glad I ate that." I'm always like "I'm gonna die... I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts! Owwwwww..."
- I was looking at a box of hot pockets and they have a warning printed on the side. It's like "Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or headin' home to a trailer! You hillbilly, enjoy the next NASCAR event!" Hooooooot Pockets! [applause] Whispers: "I like Nascar, He's a jerk"
- You never really see that on a menu when you go out to dinner. “Hmm, let's see, I'll have the ceasar salad, and the hot pocket.” “Uhh, tonight’s specials: We have a sea bass, which is broiled, and we have a Hot Pocket, which is cooked in a dirty microwave, and that comes with a side of Pepto.” “Is your Hot Pocket cold in the middle?” “It’s frozen. But it can be served boiling lava hot.” "Will it burn my mouth?" "It'll destroy your mouth. Everything will taste like rubber for a month." “I’ll have the Hot Pocket.” Hot Pockeeeet!
- Hot Pockets, you know, they haven't been around that long, like ten years. How'd they come up with that? Was there some guy in a marketing meeting, like, "Hey I got an idea! How 'bout we fill a Pop-Tart with nasty meat? And then you could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet. Whispers: "He's weird."
- There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but still would like diarrhea. Hot Pockeeeet! It should just come with a roll of toilet paper. Diarrhea Pockeeeet!
- There's the Lean Pocket, I don't even wanna know what's in there. Imagine the directions: "Take out of box, place directly in toilet." Flush Pockeeeet! Whispers: Pocket pocket pocket pocket...
- Recently they introduced the breakfast Hot Pocket, FINALLY. I can't think of a better way to start the day! "Oh, good morning! You're about to call in sick." Hooot Pockeeeet! Now you can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be DEAD by dinner. Dead Pockeeeet!
- I do love that jingle. Do you think they worked hard on that song? "What do you got so far, Bill?" "Uh... uh... Hot Pocket?" "That's good, that's very good. Not as good as your 'By Mennen', but it's good. Now what are we gonna run in Mexico?" "Caliente Pocket!" "You've got a gift, my friend. Don't hide that in a bushel basket." Whispers: Hot Pockeeet...
- I saw a commercial for a Chicken Pot-Pie Hot Pocket. Now they're just messin' with us! Just a matter of time, "Have you tried the Hot Pocket Hot Pocket? It's a Hot Pocket filled with a Hot Pocket. Tastes just like a Hot Pocket. I'm gonna go and stick my head in the microwave, Hot Pockah!!! Whispers: "He went crazy up there... I didn't know what he was doing at the end there, I thought he was on drugs or something. Very weird..."
- I get such an attitude with spellcheck. "No! That's a person's name, spellcheck! You are so dumb, spellcheck! I was right, you were wrong!" "...Oh. That is how you spell Wednesday. Thanks, spellcheck."
- E-mail has made sending regular mail such a chore. "Wait, I stick it in an envelope and now I gotta go outside? What am I, a triathelete?"
- Nowadays, when you get a handwritten letter in the mail you're like, "What? Has someone been kidnapped!?" "Well, I'm not opening it, it's probably filled with anthrax."
The Family Bit
- My mom always used to go on those Lady's Luncheons. (in high pitched voice) "Me and the ladies are going out to lunch." And she'd come back about 8 hours later, (in a drunk voice) "Me and the ladies...went out to lunch...your dad's a prick."
- I come from a very big family, nine parents.
- I'm actually one of six kids, Catholic. You ever notice people from big Catholic families, they always throw in that "Catholic" after the number? "Six kids, Catholic. Six kids, Catholic." Like if you didn't hear the "Catholic" part, you'd think, "Six kids? His mother was a whore. Oh, she's Catholic."
- I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"
- People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."
The Postcard Bit
- Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings, I like food, bye."
- You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a postc- who cares."
- That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"
- Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go in my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
The Book Bit
- You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.
- Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me two years!"
- You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."
The Bottled Water Bit
- I try and eat healthy. I buy the bottled water, and it makes you go to the bathroom every ten seconds, but I feel kind of silly buying the bottled water, maybe I'm just too Midwestern. Every time I go into a store, I'm always like, "Hey, how you doin'? Yeah, I know you can get water free from any faucet, but uh, I want to pay for it. I'm just curious, do you have any air back there? Can I buy your garbage?"
- How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water." "Look, Pierre, the Americans are pretty dumb, but they're not going to buy water." "Oh yes they are! Let's just tell the Americans the water's from France."
- I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."
- I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
- I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they get you."
- It's not like the stuff didn't come out of a tap at some point. It's not like there's a guy sitting by a stream in France going "One bottle, two bottle" (whispers) I think that guy would speak French. He's too lazy to learn two words in French.
- (On people asking if he's in a well while using speaker phone) "You sound like you're in a well. Are you in a well?" I said, "Yes I am in a well, but luckily, there's a phone down here. I'm just down in a well, making phone calls. I was having people guess, but you knew right away. You're so good at the well guessing."
The Food Bit
- I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice the Food Network is far more interesting when you're hungry? When you're full you're like "This is stupid..." But when you are hungry the Food Network's like porn. You're like "Oh yeah...whip it up baby! Make it for me!" It is a little embarrassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network..."What are you watching?" "Uh, the Food Network..." "Well, why are you pants off?" "I like food...a lot."
- I do love food. I love eating late at night too. You know, you're not supposed to eat late at night, but then again you're not supposed to drink booze in the morning. And apparently you're never supposed to smoke crack...Well, whatever! I'm not training for the Olympics! I'm sorry but after an entire hour of work, I want to unwind with a burger and a crack pipe. If I do that every night does it make me some crackhead? "This guy's a crackhead! That's why he's so pale. He's the fattest crackhead I've ever seen!!
- (On Cinnabons) Should I sit in it or eat it? Hey, I could sit in it and eat it! Oh, this is sticky without pants on.
- You know that Cinnabon odor? Like you're walking through the mall, and you're like "What's that smell? Aww, I just got a cavity! Damn Cinnabon!"
- You're not supposed to have cake for breakfast, unless it's a pancake. How'd that slide through? "Young man you're not having cake for breakfast. You're having fried cake with syrup for breakfast. Now load up on that and try not to nap."
- Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen. Go check on Grandma.
- Cake's a powerful food. Cake can actually bring people together. You know... "It's Bill's birthday" "Yeah, I hate that guy." "There's cake in the conference room." "Well, I should say hello."
- Steak is like the tuxedo of meat. And bologna is the retarded cousin. If you're eating steak, something's special. If you're eating bologna, you might be special. (as the audience member) "Hey, I like bologna jerkhead! Your act is bologna. Your bologna has a last name and it's Gaffigan!"
- Ever see that stranger who insists on walking the same speed as you? "Get away from me! What, are we on a date here? I don't even know you!"
The Mexican Food Bit
- My favorite food is Mexican food, I used to be a waiter in a Mexican restaurant in Indiana. Yeah, that's where you go for Mexican.
- Mexican food's great, but it's essentially all the same ingredients, so there's a way you'd have to deal with all these stupid questions. "What is nachos?" "...Nachos? It's tortilla with cheese, meat, and vegetables." "Oh, well then what is a burrito?" "Tortilla with cheese, meat, and vegetables." "Well then what is a tostada?" "Tortilla with cheese, meat, and vegetables." "Well then what i-" "Look, it's all the same shit! Why don't you say a Spanish word and I'll bring you something."
- Mexican food is great, but it is all the same, it's almost a conspiracy. It's almost like they had a meeting 200 years ago in Mexico City and one guy stood up and he was like, "Hey, the reason I got everyone here is pretty simple, I figured we could rename this one entrée seven times and sell it to the Americans. The French said it would be a good idea." "Who's in on it?" Then some guy in the back was like, "Wouldn't that be dishonest?" "Well, keep your mouth shut and we'll name one of the entrées after you. What's your name?" "My name's Jimmy Changa."
The Manatee Bit
- My favorite animal is the manatee, you know, the sea cow? You ever see that animal? The manatee is endangered, and I think it's because it's out of shape. It looks like a retired football player. You ever see it on the Discovery Channel? It's always floating around like, "I'm bloated. Too much pizza!"
- The manatee is also called the sea cow, I mean ... that kind of sounds like an insult. It's almost as if the manatee was introduced to the ocean, the other animals were like, "Who's the new guy?" And the manatee was like "Hi everyone, you can call me the manatee!" "Yeah right, sea cow." "Uh, it's manatee." "Sea cow, fatass. Tub of shit." "Quit it."
- Doesn't the manatee kind of look like a guest on the Ricki Lake show? "Uh, Ricki, I'm here because I'm endangered." Then one of those mean people in the audience would offer up the advice, "Yeah, I want to say something to the sea pig!" "That's sea cow..." "Whatever. Sea pig, you're a fat seal, you gotta get yourself an education and a job!" "Uh, I live in the ocean." "It just so happens you live in the ocean 'cause you ain't got no job!" "I don't know what you're -" "You gotta get in Weight Watchers, some kinda program!" "I have a layer of blubber to keep my body warm in the water..." "Whatever, talk to my hand." "Uh, I don't have a hand"
The Catholic Bit
- Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"
- I think it'd be great if you had a kid that ended up being Pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. "Oh your son's a doctor? Yeah, ours is Pope. They have a house? He has his own city... it's in Europe."
- You think when the Pope was a little kid, he fantasized about eventually becoming Pope, you know, like we might about being a professional athlete? Was he like eight years old in his backyard going, "There he is, the leader of all the Catholics! The best Pope ever! The Protestants are frightened of this new Pope."
- I was raised Catholic, my dad used to always volunteer me for the reading at church, and I'd be like six years old. "You'll be doing the reading." "Christ!" I'd never have my glasses, so I wouldn't be able to read. "Uh, a letter from Peter to the apostage ... post ... somebody kill me! I'd rather go to hell than read up here!"
- It's church, you're reading from the Bible, it's not like you can make something up. Not like you can get the first line, then ad lib. "A letter from Peter to the Apostles ... uh ... Dear Apostles ... How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Tell Jesus, "Hey." This is the word of the Lord."
- I always daydream in church. I always have that introspective look on my face, like.... but on the inside, I'm like "Did I go to Wendy's twice yesterday?"
- My wife's really Catholic; she's like a Shiite Catholic. She's always worried about Diablo. So I joke around with her, I'll call her up. She's like, "Who is this?" and I'll just go, "The Devil."
- Being Catholic's all about memorization. I have a horrible memory. I'm always like, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, without the written, approved consent of major league baseball..." I love doing that joke, because there's always one face in the audience, "You're going to HELL." Those are the people I wanna bump into in Heaven, be like, "Hey! Remember me?" "Y-Y-You're here?!" "Yeah, Peter loves my stuff."
The Holidays Bit
- I love our holiday traditions, like the Christmas tree, where we go out and we chop down a tree and we put it in our living room. Kinda sounds like the behavior of a drunk man, really. Some woman wakes up, "Honey, why is there a... a pine tree... in our living room?" "I like it! We're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna decorate it... for Jesus. And then I'm gonna hang my socks over the fireplace... fill 'em with candy! Maybe I'll tie some leaves to the ceiling, see if I can get some action. Now I gotta puke on that couch. Merry Christmas."
- Some people get so into Christmas they decorate their yards. That seems completely backwards, "Alright, chop down that tree, bring it in here... Take all these lights, put 'em out there... Oh, I just gotta, I really gotta get a job! Whispers: "He's anti-Christmas."
- Easter, that's a weird tradition. "Easter! The day Jesus rose from the dead, what should we do?" "How 'bout eggs?!" "Well, what does that have to do with Jesus?" "Alright, we'll hide 'em!" "I don't follow your logic!" "Don't worry, there's a bunny..." Whispers: "Ridiculous!"
- Thanksgiving, it's like we didn't try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we over-eat! "Hey how 'bout at Thanksgiving we just, uh, eat a lot?" "We do that everyday!" "Ohh... What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?" Whispers: "Oh he's anti-family..."
- Mostly we use holidays so we can eat more, "I normally don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak, but... it is Fourth of July. And, uh, I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin' crap up. That's what the Founding Fathers would want.
- As a kid, Halloween was amazing. You dress like a superhero, you bang on your neighbor's door... and they give you candy! I do that today and my neighbor wants me arrested! Probably 'cause I make a hot Catwoman. "Rawr... Kitty want some candy!" [purrs]
- Valentine's Day. The tradition is we give each other those big red hearts filled with the gamble chocolate. Have you ever eaten any chocolate out of those big red hearts with any confidence? "Hmm, well, this could either be really good or totally nasty. And I'm just pig enough to find out. Aww, I got the one filled with toothpaste! Gonna have to eat another nine to get rid of that flavor. There's the big red hearts filled with the gamble chocolate, or the tiny, chalk, heart-shaped antacids. "I know I make you nauseous, here's a Tums with 'Hug Me' written on it. Maybe that'll help..."
- I know nothing about Saint Valentine, I assume he's the patron saint of overpriced greeting cards. That's an odd ritual, really, you know we go out and we buy cards that already have things written in 'em. It's like, "Hmm... Mm, yeah, that's somethin' I'd say. I'll just add my name here at the bottom, hmm hmm hmm hmmmm... Here ya go! You like what that other guy wrote in there? Took me five seconds to find it! Cost me two bucks... Greeting cards would make sense if there was something profound written in there, but it's always like, "Happy Birthday... couldn't think of that yourself?" "I'm not a slogan machine!"
The Glasses Bit
- I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this (tilts glasses sideways) ... "Get away from 'em!"
- Would you ever take directions from someone who looks like this? "Where you gotta go? Uh, 44th street, why don't we take my spaceship? I have to pick up Santa Claus anyway."
- The only advantage of wearing glasses is you can do that dramatic removal, you ever see that? (Dramatic removal occurs) "My God. Holy mother of God. I can't see a thing. I am absolutely blind without these. It's probably why I wear 'em."
- You ever notice when people are thinking in movies they're always chewing on the end of their glasses? "If we give the alien a cold ..." You know what they're really thinking? "This tastes like wax!"
- You can never look that tough in glasses, you gotta look tough in New York, too. You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass. But first I need to log onto this website."
- People always want to try my glasses on too, I have strangers come up to me, "Hey, let me try on your glasses!" That's rude, I don't go up to people with hairpieces, "Hey, let me try on your wig! Let me sit in your wheelchair. You are so crippled, wow. Let me check out your respirator. Stop shaking... Well, now's no time for a nap."
- I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like "He's got a Latin temper!" But if you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, "That guy's a dick! Stay away from him! He's a turd." When a black guy walks in, people are like, "Denzel Washington, Samuel Jackson." When I walk in they're like, "I gotta do my taxes...and I hate John Tesh."
- Actually the reason I look like this is because my father is from Sweden and my mother was Elton John, he was a good mommy...I look like a sixty-year-old gay man, that's how you get the ladies.
- I don't like being bald, don't get me wrong, there's no boost to the ego much like the one you get from putting sunscreen on the top of your head..."Oh, yeah ladies, here I come!" "What's that smell?" "That's SPF 45 on my cabeza." "That's digusting..." "Oh, yeah."
- This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife...there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."
- Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."
- I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"
- When you don't drink, people always need to know why. "You don't drink, why?" This never happens with anything else. "You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside..."
- I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. That'll grab you by the horn. What horn?
- My favorite channel is the Lifetime channel because Lifetime is "Television for women. Lifetime, television for women." Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that network. "Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod."
- I was watching Animal Planet, did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." "...the male has the baby. You're fired."
- You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
- I can't believe we got grades in gym class, I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers, based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."
- Have you ever had someone not ask for directions but demand them? You're just walking down the street, you hear a horn, some guy's like, "HOLLAND TUNNEL!" You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions? Suddenly, you're wasting his time. "Let's go buddy, Holland Tunnel!"
- Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
- I don't have a Palm Pilot, everyone I know that does have a Palm Pilot is so dependent on it. You're like: "Hey, how are you?" "*Gasp* Oh.... (looks at palm pilot) I'm good.
- You can tell a lot about what your friends think of you based on the people they set you up with. 'Hey, what'd you think of Linda?' 'Hey, fuck you.'
- I don't like making anybody feel uncomfortable, that's why I'd like to talk to you all about Jesus.
- "At least he didn't talk about sex..." You know, when I have sex...
- "I thought he'd be paler! At least as pale as on the CD cover where he looks like a pedophile!"
- I know when I grow up, my kids will be embarassed of me. Because no matter how cool your parents are, you're always gonna be embarassed of them. Do you think Jesus was embarassed of his dad? He'd be, like "Yeah, my dad created the world, but he's not THAT cool..." Or, "It's fine, Dad, just drop me here in this manger." "Yeah, he's picking me up sometime around Easter..."
- Father's Day must've been tough for Jesus. It'd be like "Uh...here, Dad, I got you this paperweight-" "I MADE THAT!"
- (On movies) Now, you know what sort of movies I like? Oh, you're gonna think this is so queer...gay porn. What, just because I collect gay porn I'm gay?
- "Moses, we think that you've been burning some bush..."