Jim Norton

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Jim Norton (born 1968-07-19) is a professional comedian who was born and raised in New Jersey.



Opie & Anthony Show

  • Ben looks like a tall baby, always laughing in the wrong places...
  • Could you please help Mealticket down off the chair.
  • Do ya?
  • Eric Nagel is an incompetent bisexual.
  • Flush your XM down the toilet, buy a Sirius and go fuck your mother!
  • [singing] Forget me not, you sightless twat, your dog just shit on my rug.
  • I HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE ________________
  • I am glad Ben Sparks has AIDS and got fired!
  • I have a foot thing on my FUCKING FOOT!
  • If your banana looks like it starred in the movie Philadelphia, throw it in the trash.
  • RAMONE I'm running out of shit to say.
  • Wah Wah PENIS!
  • We're Perverts, Stupid.
  • Wouldja?
  • You're a silly goose.
  • Anthony likes it when I hold his elbows while I kiss his mouth.
  • I wanna fuck your mouth like a pocket pussy
  • I hope you die of anal cancer the evening before a relatives wedding
  • drink a fifth of ol' granddad and drunk drive into an overpass abuntment
  • B double O

Stand Up Performances

  • Any girl I get pregnant is gonna throw herself down the stairs.
  • For me, making a first move means you roll down the passenger window, beep beep, she gets in, you hope its not a guy. You ever make that mistake? You don't get your money back.
  • I don't drink, but I like girls who do.
  • I was out with this girl, and she was going through my glove compartment in my car and found my condoms. She was like, 'what are these for?' and I said 'Those are going to save your life tonight, believe me!'
  • That's how you show her you love her. Fuck your flowers and candy, eat her ass after a bike ride!
  • Boy, I sure would love to fuck that Dakota Fanning.


  • I made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
  • I'm a stand-up comic who hates his own guts.
  • If I knew it was going to be this kind of party I'd stick my dick in the mashed potatoes. (Not originally by Jim Norton. Became popular as an uncredited sample in the Beastie Boys song "B-Boys Makin' with the Freak Freak" from the album Ill Communication and attributable to Mantan Moreland. See http://mic-to-mic.blogspot.com/2007/06/mashed-potatoes-sample-revealed.html.)
  • My home. Where my wife sleeps, where my children come to play with their toys.
  • What, I'm breakin' your balls and right away your getiin' fuckin' fresh!!

External links

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