Joel Gertner

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The hardest habit of all to break is the terrible habit of happiness.
Theodosia Garrison
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Joel Gertner is an American Professional wrestling personality.


  • "Well, well, well..."
  • "While Mark McGwire wouldn't have satisfied with anything less than 70, I'm always happy to be stuck at 69, it is I, hotter than tabasco sauce, but loads easier to swallow; the Quintessential Studmuffin, a good God...damn handsome man, and the man who's got more game than Parker Brothers, Joel 'I'm young, I'm hung, and I'm skilled with my tongue' Gertner."
  • "It is I, the Quintessential Stud Muffin, Joel 'this girl I know wanted to see the show, lives here in Connecticut, so I told her to bend over, and I'd show her where I'd stick it; for forty-five minutes, she proceeded to tease and please and lick it, but when all was said and done, you know I made her buy a ticket' Gertner.
  • "It is I, the Quintessential Studmuffin, a damn handsome man, the object of your affection, and proof that size does matter, Joel 'you said that you were celibate, and then you did me for the hell of it' Gertner. And usually, if you'd kindly just shut up, usually I would come out here and show all of you people the delts that make their hearts melt, the lats that get 'rats', the abs that are always up for grabs, and of course, the chest that don't rest. In fact, I've got calves so big, they could easily be mistaken for full-grown cows. But tonight, you people are not getting the whole shebang. Tonight, you are getting the big kibosh, because instead of getting what you want, you are gonna have to deal with looking at the most undeniably, unarguably, hands-down, without a doubt, unattractivly ugly human being in the building. Not only when she comes out here will you have to see her in real life, but you'll have to deal with her image right here as well.
  • "Despite what the Florida Tourism Board has been feeding all of you ignorant people, it is I, every female's top tourist destination, and the man who's crotch is truly the happiest place on earth, the man who makes Minnie Mouse's panties wet, and the man who just last night helped Daisy Duck fulfill her dream, as she took one for the team, and I made her squeal and scream, as I filled her full of cream, it is I, the bacon in her eggs, the man for whom she begs, and the face between her legs, the quintissential and original studmuffin, and a good Lord have mercy, God damn handsome man, Joel 'I shoot out a full condom filla and it tastes like vanilla' Gertner".
  • "I always win the bedroom battle; I kick it like a cowboy, I slaughter them like cattle; and a studmiffin never kisses and tells, so I would never tattle, but your mom does some pretty outrageous things with a pacifier and a rattle, because I'm not just her baby-sitter—I'm her power hitter. The Quintessential Studmuffin, the lyrical miracle, and the sexual intellectual, Joel 'every woman's infatuation across the whole entire nation; they like the pulsation, but they love the penetration; and I can sense your frustration since all you get is masturbation; you can use your imagination or I could give you a demonstration' Gertner."
  • "It is I, the Quintessential Studmuffin, Joel 'from Milwaukee to Green Bay, all the Wisconsin ladies say that it's the highlight of their day when I shoot my nuts at their face and spray' GERTNER!"
  • "Now that Styles is done borin' ya, I think that I should warn ya that girls get hornier and hornier when I come to California because I am the Quintessential Studmuffin, Joel 'I'm California dreamin', and I leave the girlies screamin', cause I'm a pussy-lickin' demon with vanilla-flavored semen' Gertner."
  • "I'm here in St. Paul, Minnesota, at Anarchy Rulz, and when they ask me for pearl necklaces, I show them the family jewels I've made so many women so wet, I could fill Olympic-size swimming pools; and I've got so much carnal knowledge, I could open my own chain of schools, for I'm the Quintessential Studmuffin, Joel 'I've been everywhere in the United States, east, west, up and down, but the chicks in Minnesota are the hottest girls around; I've been with white, I've been with black, I've been with red, yellow, and brown; and if it wasn't for contraception, I'd have 27 children in this town' Gertner."
  • "Chicago, Illinois, where the beer flows like wine and the women have all been mine, because I'll shoot it at their chest, I'll spray it at their breast, but when I can let loose in their face, that's when I like it best. At the Odeum in Chicago, Illinois, 100% man, so ditch your boy. I spread nothing but jubilation and joy, 'cause I inspect her gadget and tickle her toy...Gertner."
  • "He's the man that helped drive Beulah's head into the canvas with such impact, she didn't know whether to urinate, defecate, or ejaculate: Buh Buh Ray Dudley."
  • [to Simon Diamond] "I like everything you do, right down to your ring name...which, unfortunately, I can't remember right now since you're just some undercard jamoke."
  • "Joel 'I'm the one they wanna pork when I'm in Buffalo, New York, and when I'm near Niagara Falls, the fountains come when they lick my balls' Gertner."
  • "Joel 'hotter than a fifteen-year-old girl in a field hockey skirt' Gertner."
  • "Representing the south side of Dudleyville and weighing in at a slim, trim, buff, cut, ripped... [stops as he hears the crowd shouting along with him] No, no, I didn't say 'Stud Muffin says'...weight unknown is D-Von Dudley."
  • "Joel 'while you were busy on your computer, I took your girlfriend and I screwed her' Gertner."
  • "Joel 'I always leave them sore, yet they keep coming back for more' Gertner."
  • "Joel 'whether the ladies are home or here in Dayton, they're watchin' me and masturbatin' ' Gertner."
  • "Joel 'the ladies want to feel me up, good thing I ain't wearing a cup' Gertner."
  • "Joel "Momma said knock you out, and I just did" Gertner."
  • "Joel 'harder than the tree that killed Sonny Bono' Gertner."
  • "And there's me, Joel 'the biggest ladykiller in Buffalo since OJ Simpson' Gertner."
  • "Joel 'Sweet Dreams Are Made of These' Gertner."
  • "I am the peeled banana in your fruitbowl of love..."
  • "Well, well, well...if you got an hour, I've got the power. Joel 'you can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat' Gertner."
  • "Introducing the corner man, the silence behind the violence, Sign Guy Dudley!"
  • "At this time, we were going to show you clips of Terry Funk...but we couldn't dig them up, but even if they did our stations don't encourage us to use black and white footage."
  • "I don't know what I'd do if I woke up in the morning and I wasn't me."
  • "Joel 'put your lipstick on my dipstick' Gertner."
  • "I am the Quintessential Stud Muffin, Joel 'delivers more package than UPS' Gertner."
  • "Joel "I'm like the middle of the litter box...I'm always surrounded by pussy." Gertner"
  • "Well, well, well...put those floppy disks away here comes the man with the biggest hard drive in professional wrestling: Joel 'I've got more RAM than you can handle' Gertner."
  • "And you know, now that I've pounded the hype out of Lance Wright, I think it might be time to whip the smiles...from Joey Styles!"
  • "Good evening all of you insignificant, hygenically challenged Joel Gertner wannabes. I am your personal God, Joel Gertner, with the highlight of the program where I introduce to you Hype Central in 3-2...3-2-1, dummies!"
  • "Weighing in at a slim, trim, buff, cut, ripped, chizzled, and JACKED..."
  • "Joel Gertner; remember that name, you'll be screaming it later."
  • "Weighing in at a rough, ready and rambuncious..."
  • "Joel 'I have busted more nuts than a peanut factory' Gertner"
  • Joey Styles: "This could be as big as who shot J.R." | Joel Gertner: "Someone shot Jim Ross!?!" *walks off camera in shock* | Joey Styles: "Unbelievable, someone shot Jim Ross. Give me a break."
  • "It is I, the man for whom if it's a crime for my cock to be large, then you know I'm always 'guilty as charged', Joel 'another PPV here in New York City, with her face on my nuts, even that girl would look pretty; wait, wait, wait, I really shouldn't have said that, it was kinda of shitty; I apologize, I'm just trying to be witty, and I hope your not offended 'cause that would truly be a pity, 'cause I was gonna fondle those titties and lick that little clitty' Gertner." (Gertner's opening during ECW's last ever show)
  • "The funny thing about Bob Artest: the only reason he wears that neck brace is because he knows I get more rats than the New York City sewer system, and the last time he's had a piece of ass is when his finger tore through the toilet paper accidentally!"
  • "Well, well, well...welfare recipients and homeless vagabonds of Asbury Park, New Jersey, and to the thousands upon thousands watching me coast to coast on pay-per-view: at this time allow me to introduce - as if you could possibly stop me - the contingent, the masters of the three-way-dance. In the ring at this time he is the most outspoken commodity in ECW, he is the voice of a generation and the silence behind the violence, Sign Guy Dudley!"
  • "Also in the ring at this time, standing before me and intimidating the masses. From the twisted steel section of Dudleyville, 25 and 3/8 inches of the largest arms in the world attached to the man who, last night, took such liberties with your mother that he is now recognized as your father in 17 states, the gargantuan who is known as Big Dick Dudley!"
  • "And then there's me. I'm like milk, I do a body good; the Quintessential Stud Muffin, the man who's wit is more tongue-in-cheek than a lesbian orgy, Joel 'your girlfriend has me on her speed dial because she likes the way I 69 her' Gertner."
  • "Raise the roof for the man who is keeping it brother from another mother, D-Von Dudley!"
  • "His half-brother and tag team partner hails from the Dudleyville shore. He is Pamela Lee's brand new man - take it from me, I've seen the videotape - the Dudleyville Icon, Bubba Ray Dudley!"
  • "At this time, sound man, please cue up the music for tonight's enhancement talent."
  • "Joel, you will marval at the size when i'm in between your thighs, GERTNER."
  • Joel "Point in the direction you want my erection" Gertner.