John Maclain

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John Maclain Born Oct 3, 1980. American comedian from San Francisco, California.


  • I can't believe there is a bi-sexual flag. it's strange to be so militant about being so ambivalent.
  • At what age will I finally be mature enough to keep a straight face when someone says, "Hi, how ya doin'? My name is Dick."
  • The hardest part about working in a peanut butter factory is keeping everything from sticking to the roof.
  • I love going to China Town. But, you've got to be careful what you buy when you visit or you might be disappointed. Don't ever get the tiger penis chewing gum. It only contains 2% real tiger penis. That's bullshit.
  • I love Jamba Juice. Jamba Juice has made chewing obsolete.
  • If you are ever lost in the desert and all the sudden you come across another person it's probably best not to drink any of their water. Catching a cold would only compound the problem.
  • Until I bought that baby oil it just kept sticking to the pan.
  • Being an atheist is tough. It makes it really hard to be polite, especially after someone next to you sneezes.
  • I have a deep seeded suspicion that no one really knows anything about wine, especially my friends. “Here dude, try this it’s excellent. Its from the Burgundy region of France. It’s got a really fruity nose with a dry oaky finish.” Yeah man, its seems like a great addition to those ham and cheese hot pockets you’ve got blazing away in the microwave.
  • oatmeal with raisins - raisins = prison food
  • The official muffin of New York is the cinnamon apple muffin. I bet bran muffin got its ass handed to it in that election. It should have run in Florida where there are a lot more elderly people. Bran muffin would have raped cinnamon apple muffin in that situation.
  • An axe is a great all purpose camping tool. If there are kids around set a good example and wear some safety gear. I like to wear an old hockey mask and some tough overalls especially at night when accidents are more likely to occur.
  • I used to lose a lot of shit when I left the house. I lost my wallet all the time and I would worry that someone was going to steal my identity and go on a shopping spree. But other shit I never lost, like my shoes. So now I put all my money and identity related items in my shoes and I don't even care about losing my wallet because you can't buy a flat screen with a wallet full of tube socks.
  • The people who marketed the bagels still have a lot to learn from the people who marketed the doughnut. What does a guy gotta do to get some bagel holes around here?
  • When your name is Dr. Wu it doesn’t matter what you studied or what continent you got your degree on. You will always be, by definition, a Chinese medicine doctor.
  • To me, the shitty thing about competing in a foot race against a horse isn't the shame of losing. But rather, having to stand below him on the podium afterwards with his enormous horse penis right by my face.
  • I like alternative comedy better than regular comedy. Punch lines are for sell-outs.
  • The other day as I was trying piece together a meal from the meager remains I had left in my fridge and I thought, “Wow, this is probably what happened when they made the platypus.”
  • A person's DVD collection is a little window into their personality. What kind of person is walking though the movie store like, "Alright man! The directors cut of Schindler's List. Fuck renting; this shit is going on the mantle! Right next to 'Legally Blonde'."
  • If you're a mosquito and you catch poison ivy I bet you rethink the ethical basis for your whole existence.
  • The second worst thing I ever gave my grandma on Christmas was a lotion she didn’t particularly like the smell of. She can’t stand lavender. The worst thing I ever gave her on Christmas was Hepatitis C. But she was cool. She knew she should have brought her own needle. "Hey grandma, do you want another fix after you finish that mimosa?"
  • In the event of a water landing your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. In the event of a hot lava landing your seat cushion may be used as a device to muffle your screams.
  • People always try to convince me to save the Apes by telling me we are so much like them that we share 99.9% of the same DNA. That’s true, but, we also share 60% of the same DNA as many fruits and vegetables. That worries me. Who is going to save us when those monkeys find out we are more than half banana. I don’t really like the idea of being peeled by an orangutan.
  • From an outsider’s perspective riding a tandem bicycle by yourself and masturbating have a lot in common. They both just seem lonely and pathetic. But for the person doing it it’s awesome. No one there going, “Are we done yet? My butt is sore and I don’t look good in spandex.”
    • Making toast on the moon would be tricky. It's all about timing. If you're not there when it pops its good bye toast.
  • When it comes down to it people are much more comfortable getting intimate with other humans than with cows or goats. Except when it comes to drinking milk. That’s when we get kinky.
  • I still have a hard time believing that toilets don’t need electricity to work. I put the order, fire, wheel, then toilet, then XBOX.
  • Supposedly, people's memories of alien abductions are really memories of past surgeries they've had. They come from a part deep within the brain that is still aware during the operation. That makes a lot of sense to me. I wondered why aliens would go to the trouble of taking me all the way to another galaxy just to enlarge my penis.
  • Once I saw two dogs humping that looked very different from each other. One was brown and white and kind of big with long hair and the other was a little tiny black dog. It made me wonder why people can’t be more accepting of each other. So what if I like to go to the park and watch dogs fuck.
  • Trousers were actually introduced to European cultures by decedents of modern Iranians. I think about how ironic that is every time I put on my non-nuclear proliferation American flag coolots.
  • Why are avocados so expensive? I don't think I should have to put a vegetable on lay-away to make dip.
  • Seeing Arnold's performance as governor has really changed my mind about actors becoming politicians. I don't know what I'm going to do with my box of "Van Damme in '08" t-shirts.
  • I don't like the girl scouts. I can't trust an adolescent female paramilitary organization that sells highly addictive baked goods.

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