Real life seems to have no plots.Ivy Compton Burnett
- And so it has come to this: I, uh... am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it. I want to thank the gentlemen who've shared this stage with me for thirty years, Mr. Ed McMahon... Mr. Doc Severinsen... and... you people watching, I can only tell you that it has been an honor and a privilege to come into your homes all these years and entertain you—and I hope when I find something that I want to do, and I think you would like, and come back, that you'll be as gracious in inviting me into your home as you have been. I bid you a very heartfelt good night.
- Closing words on his final show, May 22, 1992.
- Who could follow Carson? Well, believe me, somebody can - and will.
- Playboy interview, 1967.
- Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
- Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
- I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
- If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
- The Hollywood tradition I like best is called 'sucking up to the stars'.
- A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry - that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island.
- The difference between love and lust is that lust never costs over two hundred dollars.
- My success evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
- I ran into my stockbroker the other day. I couldn't help it, he jumped in front of my car!
- "Mom this year I want "Claydough."