Juno (film)

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Juno is a 2007 American comedy film about a sharp-tongued teen living in a Twin Cities, Minnesota suburb confronting an unplanned pregnancy.

Directed by Jason Reitman. Written by Diablo Cody.
A comedy about growing up...and the bumps along the way.

Juno MacGuff

  • Silencio, old man. Look, I drank my weight in Sunny D and I gotta go pronto.
  • I'm going to go to Women Now, because they help women now.
  • It started with a chair.
  • It ended with a chair.
  • When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts, I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. All I see are pork swords.
  • I think I'm just going to nip it in the bud, you know, before it gets worse. 'Cause you know, they say pregnancy can often lead to, you know — an infant.
  • I don't know, I just wanted something a little more edgier. I was thinking more like graphic designer, mid-thirties, you know? With a cool Asian girlfriend, who, like dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar. But I don't want to be too particular.
  • Bleeker is actually great in...in chair.
  • My dad used to be in the Army, but now he's just your average H-VAC specialist. He and my mom got divorced when I was five and now she lives on a Havasu reservation in Arizona with her new husband and three replacement kids. Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day. And I'm like, "Thanks a heap, Coyote Ugly, this cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."
  • That's my stepmom, Bren. She's completely obsessed with dogs, owns a nail salon, and always smells like methyl methacrylate.
  • You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.
  • Yeah, I'm a legend. You know, they call me the cautionary whale.
  • You should try talking to it. 'Cause, like, supposedly they can hear you even though it's all, like, ten thousand leagues under the sea.
  • As far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni.
  • My axe is named Roosevelt. After Franklin, not Ted. Franklin was the cute one with the polio.
  • Yeah, you just take Soupy Sales to prom. I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what Bleek? I might pumice my feet, uh, I might go to Bren's dumb Unitarian Church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? 'Cause all those things would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you!
  • I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while.
  • The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me. Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be children’s librarians when they grow up. Oh yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up. They just won’t admit it because they’re supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders like Leah, who, incidentally, is into teachers.
  • Yes, hello? I need to procure a hasty abortion?... What was that? I’m sorry, I’m on my hamburger phone. It’s kind of awkward to talk on. It’s really more of a novelty than a functional appliance.
  • My stepmom, Bren, makes me eat super healthy, you know? I can't stand in front of the microwave, and no red M&Ms. I hope you're ready.
  • [to a barking dog] Jeez, Bananas, shut your freakin' gob, OK?
  • This is the most magnificent discarded living room set I've ever seen.
  • WOAH, dream big!
  • Bren, you's a dick! I love it!
  • Get a whiff of those sparkling topnotes!
  • What is with you rich people and your herb-infused juices?
  • Excuse me? I am a sacred vessel, alright? All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.
  • I'm a kraken from the sea!

Mac MacGuff

  • Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener.
  • Thanks for having me and my irresponsible child over to your house.
  • Hey there, big puffy version of Junebug!
  • Liberty Bell, if you put one more Bac-O on that potato, I'm gonna kick your little monkey butt.
  • In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty... handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
  • Is it boy troubles? Cause I don't really approve of you dating in your condition.
  • Juno has a great sense of humor. Just one of her many genetic gifts.
  • Well, What have you done, Junebug? Did you hit someone with the Previa??

Bren MacGuff

  • I think that kids get bored and they have intercourse.
  • Someone else is gonna find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.
  • [to an ultrasound technician] My five-year-old daughter could do that, and let me tell you, she is not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed, so why don't you go back to night school in Mankato and learn a real trade?
  • We don't have a dog because you're allergic to their saliva.
  • Because doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.
  • Excuse me, can we get my kid the damn spinal tap already?


  • Rollo: You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine!
  • Paulie Bleeker: I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then The Blair Witch Project was coming on Starz and you were like, "I haven't seen this since it came out so we should watch it" and, "but oh, no, we should just make out instead", la la la.
  • Leah:[reading] "Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple have found true love with each other." Aw... all that's missing is your bastard!
  • Leah: [seeing Juno and Paulie kissing] You know, you can go into early labor sucking face like that! [Juno gives her the finger]
  • Mark: [singing] If you can't decide between a little breakfast and lunch, why don't you microwave yourself a little bowl of brunch?
  • Su-Chin: [protesting outside the abortion clinic] All babies want to get borned! All babies want to get borned!
  • Su-Chin: [Seeing Juno running out of the clinic] God appreciates your miracle!
  • Vijay: I'm gonna stop wearing underwear. Raise my sperm count.
  • Leah: So, you were bored? That's how this blessed miracle came to be?
  • Mark: I don't know why everyone thinks yellow is gender nuetral.


Paulie: I've wanted this for a really long time.
Juno: I know.
Paulie: Wizard...

Rollo: Well fertile Myrtle, what's the prognosis? Minus or plus?
Juno: [taking a pregnancy test] I don't know. It's not seasoned yet. [grabs some candy] I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
Rollo: [as Juno shakes the test like a thermometer] That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.

Leah: Yo yo yiggidy yo.
Juno: I'm a suicide risk.
Leah: Juno?
Juno: No, it's Morgan Freeman, do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah: Only the one in my pants, haha.

Juno: I'm pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to blog? Maybe it's a food baby, did you have a big lunch?
Juno: This is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing!
Juno: I don't know, I drank like ten tons of Sunny D! I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah: Is this for real? Like for real, for real?
Juno: Yes.
Leah: Oh my GOD! Oh SHIT! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno: That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.

Juno: Well, I'm sorry I had sex with you. I know it wasn’t your idea.
Paulie: Whose idea was it?
Juno: I'll see you at school, okay? [mounts her bicycle and rides off]
Paulie: [to no one in particular] Whose idea was it?

Su-Chin: I'm having a little trouble concentrating.
Juno: Oh, well, I could sell you some of my Aderall, if you want.
Su-Chin: No thanks, I'm off pills.
Juno: That's a wise choice because I knew this girl who, like, had this crazy freak out because she took too many behavioral meds at once and she like ripped off her clothes, and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and was like, "Blagh! I am a Kraken from the sea!"
Su-Chin: I heard that was you.
Juno: [after an awkward pause] So, it was good seeing you, Su-Chin.

Leah: Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
Juno: I'm pregnant.
Bren: Oh, God.
Juno: But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And in... what, ah... thirty-odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac: You're pregnant?
Juno: I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since Wednesday... morning!
Bren: I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno: I, uh...
Mac: Who is the kid?
Juno: The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren: Nails, really?
Juno: Yeah!
Mac: No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac: [snorts incredulously] Paulie Bleeker?
Juno: What?
Mac: I didn't think he had it in him!
Leah: I know, right?

Mac: So, Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?
Juno: Which maneuver, sir? The one where I moved an entire living room set from one lawn to another, or the one where I drank a 64-ounce blue Slushee in ten minutes?
Bren: Juno, did you by any chance barf in my urn? Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door that I got up in Stillwater? I found some blue shit... [looks at Liberty Bell] Gunk. Stuff. In my urn.
Juno: I would never barf in your urn, Bren. Maybe LB did it.

Mac: Did you see that coming?
Bren: Yeah... but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.
Mac: Yeah, that was my first instinct too...

Juno: Wow your shorts are like, especially gold today.
Paulie: My mom uses color-safe bleach.
Juno: Go Carol.
Paulie: I'll tell her.

Juno: So guess what.
Paulie: [hesitant] What?
Juno: I'm pregnant.

Punk Receptionist: Free condom? They're boysenberry.
Juno: No, thanks. I'm off sex right now.
Punk Receptionist: My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie.

Juno: I could like, have this baby and give it to someone who like totally needs it.
Leah: You should look in the PennySaver.
Juno: They have ads for parents?
Leah: Yeah! '"Desperately Seeking Spawn."

Leah: All right, how about this one? "Healthy, educated couple seeking infant to join our family of five. You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love."
Juno: Yeesh, they sound like a cult, is what the sound like! And besides they already have three kids. They're just like greedy little bitches!

Mac: And this, of course, is Juno.
Mark: Like the city in Alaska.
Juno: No.
Mark: No? [pause] Shall we sit down and get to know one another?
Vanessa: Oh, I thought I would get some drinks. What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino, or Vitamin Water or Orange Juice or...
Juno: I'll have a Maker's Mark. Up.
Mac: She's kidding. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor. Just one of her many genetic gifts.

Juno: Oh, wicked pic in the PennySaver, by the way. Super classy — not like those people with the fake woods in the background. Honestly, who do they think they're fooling?
Vanessa: You found us in the PennySaver?

Juno: Can't we just like kick this old school? You know, like I stick the baby in a basket, send it your way, like Moses and the reeds?
Mark: Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.

Gerta Rauss: ...So, we all agree that a closed adoption is the best decision for all involved?
Juno: SSSHHIT! YES! Close it up!

Vanessa: You think you're really going to do this?
Juno: Yeah, I like you guys. If I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would. But I'm guessing it looks probably like a sea monkey right now and we should let it get a little cuter.

Vijay: You should grow a mustache.
Paulie: I can't.
Vijay: Me neither.

Leah: [at Juno’s ultrasound test] Dude, that thing looks freaky.
Juno: Hey, I am a sacred vessel; all you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.

Ultrasound Technician: Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
Leah: Yes!
Juno: No!
Leah: Pleease, Juno, please!
Juno: No, there will be no sex!
Ultrasound Technician: Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
Juno: Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me I'll just, like, ruin everything.
Ultrasound Technician: Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
Juno: No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.
Ultrasound Technician: Oh, well thank goodness for that!
Bren: What's that supposed to mean?
Ultrasound Technician: I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
Juno: How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Leah: Or, like, stage parents.
Bren: They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
Ultrasound Technician: I guess not.
Bren: What is your job title exactly?
Ultrasound Technician: I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
Bren: Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
Ultrasound Technician: Excuse me?
Bren: Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mankato and learn a real trade.
Juno: Bren! You's a dick! I love it!

Mac: What's that thing?
Vanessa: It's a pilates machine.
Mac: What do you make with it?
Vanessa: Oh...you don't make anything with it, it's for exercise.

Juno: So have you and Vanessa thought of a name for the baby yet?
Mark: Well, sort of. Vanessa likes Madison for a girl.
Juno: [aghast] Madison? Isn't that kind of... I don't know, gay?

Juno: My dad had this weird obsession with Roman or Greek mythology or something and he decided to name me after Zeus' wife.
Mark: Zeus' wife?
Juno: Yeah and I mean Zeus had tons of lays but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wife. And apparently she was supposed to be super beautiful but really mean...kind of like Diana Ross.

Mark: Vanessa gave me my own room for all my stuff.
Juno: She gave you your own room in...in your whole house? For your...for your stuff? Wow, she's got you on a long leash, Mark.

Vanessa: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno: Nah, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?

Juno: Listen, Bren-duhhh, you're acting like you're the one who has to go through this and get huge and shove a baby out of your vag for someone else. What does it even matter if Mark's married? I can have friends that are married.
Bren: It doesn't work that way, kiddo. You don't know squat about the dynamics of marriage.
Juno: You don't know anything about me!
Bren: I know enough.

Bren: I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno, and when you move out I'm getting Weimaraners!
Juno: Whoa, dream big!
Bren: Oh, go fly a kite!

Paulie: I still have your underwear.
Juno: I still have your virginity.
Paulie: [exasperated] Would you shut up?

Vanessa: What's wrong? Why are you crying?
Juno: I'm not crying. I'm just allergic to fine home furnishing.

Juno: [yelling through the house] Uh, dad?
Mac: Yeah?
Juno: Either I just peed my pants... or...
Mac: [stops what he's doing and looks up] "Or"...?

Vanessa: How do I look?
Bren: Like a new mom. Scared shitless.

Juno: What about Katrina De Voort? You could totally go out with Katrina De Voort.
Paulie: No, I don't like Katrina. She smells like soup. Have you ever smelled her? I mean, her whole house smells like soup!

Juno: He said her house smells like soup.
Leah: Oh my god it does! I was there like four years ago for her birthday party. It's like Lipton landing!

Juno: Your little girlfriend gave me the stinkeye in art class yesterday.
Paulie: Katrina's not my girlfriend, all right? And I doubt she gave you the stinkeye. That's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face.

Juno: Ow, ow, fuckity-ow! Bren, when do I get that spinal tap thing?
Bren: It's called a spinal block, and you can't have it yet, honey. The doctor said you're not dilated enough.
Juno: You mean I have to wait for it to get worse! Why can't they just give it to me now?
Bren:: Well, honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.

Juno: I think I'm in love with you.
Paulie: You mean as friends?
Juno: No, I mean, like, for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met — and you don't even have to try, you know...
Paulie: I try really hard, actually.
Paulie: Can we make out now?
Juno: Yeah. [kisses him]


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