Kenny vs. Spenny

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Kenny vs. Spenny (2003-present) is a Canadian comedy reality TV series about two best friends, Kenneth "Kenny" Joel Hotz and Spencer "Spenny" Nolan Rice, who face each other constantly to achieve glory in defeating one another at different competitions arranged by both at the beginning, commonly one per episode.

Season 1

Who Can Stay Awake the Longest? [1.2]

Kenny: The only reason I'm kinda looking forward to it is I hear you actually can go crazy and hallucinate.

[After only 6 hours of being awake]
Kenny: I, uh...I feel pretty good...pretty good... Spencer, umm...Spencer, how are you feeling?
Spenny: How am I feeling? I've been up for 6 hours. I don't even want to be shot now. People are gonna wanna see me after I've been awake for 24 hours. This is ridiculous. I'm not even gonna be tired until 3 or 4 in the morning, so we're just wasting tape.
[Camera pans over to Kenny "sleeping"]
Spenny: Very funny.

Kenny: This is like a dream competition for me. I drink as much coffee as I want and eventually I hallucinate.

Dr. Moldofsky: We're at the sleep disorders clinic at the Center for Sleep and Chronobiology with Spenny and Benny.
Kenny: Kenny.
Spenny: Kenny.
Dr. Moldofsky: [laughing] Kenny and Benny.
Kenny: You need some sleep.

Kenny: So what are ways that I can stay awake?
Strange Asian: What we do! We pull our hair [pulls hair] ow, ow! And we clench our buttocks, haha!

Who Can Stay Blindfolded the Longest? [1.9]

[Kenny pretends to leave the house]
Kenny: You want anything?
Spenny: Yeah, don't come back.
Kenny: I may be back, I may not. You may not know - when I'm here or when I'm a shadow. When I'm a ghost or when you're alone. You may never know again. You may never know...

Who Can Win a Series of Mini-Competitions? [1.11]

Kenny: If it wasn't for spell check I would be legally retarded.

[Reaching in his pants]
Kenny: Oh god, where's a forklift when you need it?

Who Can Put On the Best Concert? [1:14]

[Kenny practicing with batons at a music store]
Kenny: Let me see... [snaps and throws the batons] You idiots!... Yeah, that'll be perfect. I'll take a couple of those.
Music Store Owner: I can't believe you just did that.
Kenny: I gotta make sure that they work.

Who Can Survive in the Woods the Longest? [1:23]

Kenny: I'm just gonna climb up on top of Mother Nature and bust her bronco like the little bitch that she is.
Spenny: First of all, you don't call Mother Nature a "bitch".
Kenny: She is a bitch.
Spenny: Well, I don't agree with that.
Kenny: I'm gonna take care of her, froggy style.
Spenny: Look, the more crazy he talks, the more scared he actually is.
Kenny: I'm goin' primitive, man. I'm goin' primitive on your ass! I'm goin' primitive on you, Spenny!
Spenny: Oh, Jesus...
Kenny: I'm goin' Apocalypse Now on you! And you better watch it.
Spenny: I'll give him 10 hours, tops.
Kenny: 11.

[Kenny after building a makeshift bed]
Kenny: Aside from the stick in my ass, this is actually pretty comfy.

Kenny: I've got itch-ass.
Spenny: Did you use leaves?
Kenny: Yeah, but I used okay leaves. But it's still fucking itchy.
Spenny: You used like, leaves to wipe, and you don't know what the leaves... they could've been poison ivy.
Kenny: Oh my God... you gotta...
Spenny: What are you doing?
Kenny: I'm making you look at my ass. If there's a rash or...
Spenny: I'm not looking at your...
Kenny: You have to see if there's a rash.
Spenny: I am not looking at your ass.
Kenny: Look at my ass.
Spenny: No!
[Kenny pulls down his pants]
Spenny: Oh, God! Urgh... I don't know, man. I'm colour blind so it's hard for me to see.

Season 2

Who Can Drink More Beer? [2.1]

Kenny: If he dies from alcohol poisioning, it is a forfeit and I have won.

Kenny: Confucius say, "Person who go to bed with itchy tooshie, wake up with smelly finger".

[To doctor]
Kenny: How do I make my penis smaller? Because it's huge.

Spenny: No matter how much you wiggle and dance, the very last drop goes down your pants. That's a very famous saying, I believe written by Keats.

Who Can Win a Rat Race? [2:9]

Kenny: Originally, Spenny wanted to have this race with like, black people, where we each get a black man and...
Spenny: Are you crazy?!
Kenny: You wanted to do that! I think it's disgusting.
Spenny: Lying, lying. Black man?
Kenny: I was just so disgusted, fucking disgusted.
Spenny: Fuck off! I never, ever, ever wanted to race a black person. I've raced against a black person in high school and I lost. That doesn't mean that all black people are faster than white people, but this particular individual was, and the fact that you bring up anything about racism, or anything related to anything like that, is absolutely ridiculous. I want my rebuttal to his lies in this episode.

Spenny: I'm not happy about the pooping and peeing. Don't they have little toilets?
Rat Handler: No.

Who Is the Better Journalist? [2:10]

Kenny: You know what people care about? Stars. Celebrities. They want Oprah without her makeup. Danny DeVito making love to a chimpanzee. That's what they want, and that's I'm going to give you.

Spenny: Who's she?
Kenny: Ah, it's some gorgeous girl.
Spenny: She's hot!
Kenny: I know.
Spenny: Why aren't you doing the news thing?
Kenny: Well, "News Flash", me getting laid.

Spenny: Where the hell are you in life if you're living beside a bridge under a tarp?
Camera Operator: There's people that live in the sewer, man.
Spenny: In the sewer?
Camera Operator: Yeah.
Spenny: With all the poo and pee?
Camera Operator: Yeah.
Spenny: In this city, or was it like New York or something?
Camera Operator: Nah, it's here.
Spenny: We've gotta find these people! I wish you would've told me that sooner. People living in the sewer, that's fantastic!

Spenny: There's no way anybody lives here, man. I'm up to my fucking balls in water!

Spenny: I am not going to lose this competition. I'm not going to let Kenny win anymore. This is it, I've had enough, alright. And I don't care if we have to fucking push over an old lady to win this fucking thing. We're gonna do it, alright? What is wrong?! Why can't we find a news story?! I'm the guy that gets humiliated! I'm the guy that's on the line here! We have one more night to win this, okay? There's shootings and killings and death every single day! Why can't we find one?! I'm sick of this shit. [walks away]
Camera Operator: He just hates losing, that's all.
Production Assistant: But you'd think he'd be used to it by now.

Who Can Sell More Bibles? [2.11]

Kenny: I'm going to make Spenny turn against his beliefs, turn against his morals, and his righteousness. I am the snake and you are Eve. It's time to bite my apple, man.

Spenny: Dudes, it has been a dream my whole life to sell a script.
Production Assistant: What about the bibles?
Spenny: Fuck the bibles!

First One to be Mean Loses [2.12]

Kenny: You feel a little tingle in your stomach, and the tingle is friendship. And when that tingle hits your heart, it becomes love.
Spenny: Or herpes.

[Spenny slams cabinet door]
Kenny: Hey, making loud noises is mean, Spenny.

Kenny: There are some things that I've done that are so mean to Spenny that I think they are detrimental to his health right now, and I think if I came clean, he would truly believe I was trying to change.
Spenny: What kinds of things are you talking about?
Kenny: Like, just little a thing, like, I stuck his toothbrush up my ass two weeks ago and he's still using it. I'm so sorry I used to be mean.
[Spenny buries his face in his palms]
Relationship Counselor: I think we need to end this session now. I can't be of any help to you.
Kenny: Well, thank you so much for your time, I really appreciate it. Come on Spencer, let's go.
[Spenny leaves the room, shaking his head]
Kenny: I'm so sorry Spenny is an asshole.

Spenny: You fucked Catherine Stockwood while I was seeing her?
Kenny: Yeah.
Spenny: Where?
Kenny: [lowers his head in shame], In the vagina. Fucking, fucking for hours on end, just fucking her and fucking her.
Spenny: Please, just cut the cameras.
Kenny: It's true, I'm sorry. But still, it's very nice of me to tell you.

Kenny: Spencer, you are a rat in my maze. Believe me, you're not gonna get the cheese.

Kenny: I miss the olden days, you know? When we were just kids, didn't have a care in the world. Now we've got these corporate pigs watching our every move, and this stupid show, these competitions-- they're just useless!
Spenny: It has affected our relationship, there's no question about it.
Kenny: I swear to you from the bottom of my heart, friend, I'm tired of being mean. I'm tired of being a cheater, and a crook, and the vermin virus that I am.
Spenny: I don't think we've spent time like this in what, 15 years?
Kenny: We should have more competitions like this.
Spenny: You can't, that's the problem. They want us to kill eachother. That's what they want.

Season 3

Who Can Produce More Semen? [3.7]

Spenny: LET ME MASTURBATE ALONE! FUCK!

Kenny: This time I'm making the rules! Cum rules: One, no children. Two, no homeless gentlemen. Three, no corpses animal or human. Four, you cannot masturbate me to make me cum.

Spenny: People fuck animals, people fuck feet. I've never heard of anyone fucking meat. And I'm begging you the next time stick a fuckin' post-it note saying "fucked it" and I won't eat it.
Kenny: I didn't fuck it.
Spenny: You did fuck it.
Kenny: Not really. I made love to it.

Who Can Stay in a Haunted House the Longest? [3.8]

Spenny: You shut up for two seconds. This is not a Kenny versus Spenny competition this is a competition between good and evil and guess which one you are buddy!
Kenny: Good?
Spenny: NO, EVIL!

Who Can Catch a Bigger Fish? [3.10]

Spenny: We're having a fishing competition why are we talking about vaginas?
Spenny: Do you know what a lure is? Do you know what a bait is? Do you know...
Kenny: I bait the fish with my allure.
Spenny: So it's all gonna be puns. But the reality is, have you ever looked at a tackle box? Do you know what that is? Do you have any idea?
Kenny: I've tackled a lot of boxes my friend.
Spenny: Oh God, with the fuckin' puns. Stop it!

Kenny: Oh, one more rule. You can't use your penis as bait, 'cause fish love worms.

Kenny: [On Loudspeaker] Mayday! Mayday! Spenny's Mother is a whore! A dirty whore!
Spenny: Kenny shut up! Shut up!
Kenny: Mayday! She's a whore! She likes it up the ass!
Spenny: That's it. That's it. [Goes up to Kenny and starts choking him] DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER! [To the boat's captain and is referring to the loudspeaker] Turn this off! Turn it off! Jesus Christ!
Kenny: Call me Kenny.
Ship's Captain: Calm down it's off, it's off.
Kenny: Don't call me Jesus in front of people.
Spenny: Don't tell me to calm down. Get down there and don't touch my fuckin' rod.
Kenny: That's not what you said last night.
Spenny: Ok, one more fuckin' rod joke, dick joke, stick joke and I'm gonna fuckin' lose it!

Who Can Imitate the Other Guy Better? [3:11]

Kenny: There's nothing more important to Spenny than being me, being in love with me, wanting to emulate me, and become...the son of God.
Spenny: You are the last person on the planet that I wanna be like. Do you understand that?
Kenny: It's gonna be very hard for me to impersonate Spenny. Really what I have to do is: masturbate in playgrounds...what else do you do?
Spenny: Fuck squirrels...in the park.
Kenny: In the park? I thought it was in the ass.
Spenny: I'm a crack addict...
Kenny: Guys cracks.
Spenny: Umm...what else do I do? I'm a necrophiliac.
Kenny: Oh, one sec, you are a...shit eating...
Spenny: Oh, that's right. I'm a shit eating fuck head. See I'm going to win, because I've captured your essence. I have to be him. Feel sorry for me.
Kenny: In other words, it's time for him to become funny, and for me to stop being funny.
Spenny: People think I'm funny.
Kenny: Looking.

[Spenny imitating Kenny, covering his face in chocolate cake]
Spenny: I pooped my panties!
Kenny's Mother: Spencer, no! That's too much!
Spenny: I got poo-poo on my nose! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Kenny's Mother: Spencer, that's enough! Out! Get out!
Spenny: [breaking character] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's what your son's like. You know what he did today? He made, uh, fake poo, and ate it, pretending to be me. That's what he did today.
Kenny's Mother: That's why he's so funny.
Spenny: You think that's funny?
Kenny's Mother: I think that's funny.
Spenny: And this isn't funny?
Kenny's Mother: No, this is messy.

[Spenny as himself]

Spenny: This whole thing is fucking ridiculous. It has degenerated into a cartoon. I'm sick of him [Kenny], I'm sick of being him, and the coffee, and the mother jokes, and eating the fucking shit. Is he just walking all over me and I'm allowing him to do it? Do I have to debase myself, and go down to his level? And roll in the mud? Is that what this is all about? And maybe right now, maybe right now I should be doing Kenny, but I... I can't, I don't have it in me. The well is dry. I have nothing left. I have nothing left to give. Because becoming Kenny Hotz, even for this short period of time, I think it has damaged my soul. I do. I think I've actually damaged my soul. I think I'm going to have to repair myself, to get back to what I used to be, what I am and what I always wanted to be, is what I should be. And I'm not perfect. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm not. I just try to be good. That's all I do.

Who Can Stay Homeless the Longest? [3.12]

Spenny: When you realize that you'll have no responsibilities, you'll have no bills to pay, you won't have to bathe--which you do [sic] anyway--so you can stink, and everybody will stink, so you'll blend in with the crowd. You might actually enjoy it. That's actually a real concern of mine.
Kenny: I'm gonna pay homeless people to rape Spenny, and it's gonna cost me a lot of money.
Spenny: You know what, even just referring to them as homeless people--they're all individuals.
Kenny: I'm sorry, you're right, I shouldn't refer to them as homeless. I should refer to them as stinky bums.

Kenny: To me, homeless people are like the birds. You know, they're free, they splash around, they wash themselves in fountains.

Spenny: Shh! I'm homeless!
Kenny: Yeah, you're brainless.

Spenny: Where's my shoe?!
Kenny: A homeless guy took it.
Spenny: If you don't give me my shoe, I'm going to urinate in your mouth!

Arm Wrestling Competition [3.13]

Kenny: I'm a hemorrhoid because I'm on your ass, man. I'm fucking tailing you. And the more you scratch, the more you rub, the bigger I get, until eventually I'm gonna fucking pop all over your ass! Oh wait, no...

Season 4

First Guy to Get a Boner Loses [4.1]

Kenny: [To the mirror] Ooh! Yeah, you are fucking hot man! I fucking love you! Yeah, you fucking love me? I fucking love you. Do you love me? Well, let's go! You wanna go? OK!
[Proceeds to make out with himself in the mirror]
Kenny: I can't do this. I gotta stop, I'm getting a boner.

Kenny: You shaved your legs!
Spenny: No I didn't, I clipped them.
Kenny: You clipped your leg hair!
Spenny: Yes, I did.
Kenny: You're a fancy girl. You're very fancy. That's so beautiful. What gets you hard, lover?
Spenny: What gets me hard? Usually, you know, masturbation or a woman--having some kind of sexual contact with a woman. I mean, this isn't rocket science.
Kenny: You love rockets, right?
Spenny: Who me?
Kenny: Yeah.
Spenny: I do like rockets.
Kenny: [thrusting] Like a big Mars lunar lander? Is that what you want?
Spenny: I would like to go to outer space.
Kenny: You want to go to Uranus.
Spenny: I wouldn't mind going to Uranus.
Kenny: You wanna go to my anus?
Spenny: No, I didn't say that--I said Uranus, which is a planet.

Kenny: If I have to, you know, pull my pants down and smear anchovy paste in my ass to give this guy a boner, I'm willing to do this because I'm going to fucking win.

Kenny: Alright, Spenny and I have decided that neither of us are going to get a boner, so the only thing left to do is have a bone-off. We both picked lap dancers for the other person. They are going to grind us--
Spenny: Simultaneously.
Kenny: The first person to get a boner loses.

Kenny: Well, umm--
Spenny: Did you get a redhead for me?
Kenny: I couldn't find a redhead, but I did find...Hugo! Come on out for Spencer!
Spenny: What? No! No! No! No! No! No!
Kenny: We had an arrangement--we pick eachother's lap dancers!
Spenny: Oh my god, Kenny!
Kenny: You sit down!
Spenny: No, I wanted a dancer--a female dancer!
Kenny: No, you said we pick the other person's lap dancer, I picked Hugo. This is better for you, if this doesn't turn you on then you're going to win so sit the fuck down and let's do this. Right?
Spenny: OK, this could be good. Let's go.

[Kenny won the competition]
Kenny: I know everyone was thinking that what I was doing was stupid and you believed Spencer, but in the end it was my master plan and it totally worked.
Spenny: Can I make a statement? Out of the corner of my eye, I saw your girl, Jersey, and she had those boots on with the buckles--it was very erotic. It was a combination of that, and grinding of Hugo that was just, uh, caused, uh, you know, blood to flow in certain places. Now, I'm OK with it, I don't think there's anything wrong with it, and I don't think anything happened to me that wouldn't happen to the average heterosexual man.

Kenny: I do love him, even if he doesn't admit he loves me. But not in that way!

Who Can Blow the Biggest Fart? [4.2]

Kenny: I blow fuckin Rambo farts man.

Kenny: Hi, I’m Kenny Hotz and you may not recognize me because right now you’re looking at me through a thermal lens. What the lens does is it shows your hot parts of your body. As you can see my hands are hotter then my face because I was just massaging my penis; which is super hot.

Kenny: I've developed a system to psych out Spenny. It is called the F.A.R.T.: Flatulent Assisted Rectal Tubing. This is going to give me the biggest fart in the history of mankind.
[Inserting tube into anus]
Kenny: Slower Spencer.

Who Can Be Tied to a Goat the Longest? [4.6]

Kenny: You're obviously gonna lose. My goat likes me. We're happy. We have good comedic timing.

Kenny: What can I say, he fell for the old, uh, dead lamb tied to the other leg bit. Come on, he deserves to lose.

Kenny: Brush your bum, brush your bum, with Spenny's toothbrush!

First Guy to Stop Singing Loses [4.8]

  • Spenny (singing): Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all...
(he walks into his room to find Kenny standing on his bed in his underwear)
Kenny: ONE, TWO, FUCK YOU!
(Verse 1)
Spencer Rice is a fuckin' fuck
Spencer Rice is a fuckin' fuck
Spencer Rice is a fuckin' fuck
Let's kick him in the face!
(Verse 2)
Spencer Rice he can eat my ass
Spencer Rice he can eat my ass
Spencer Rice he can eat my ass
He is my toilet!
(Verse 3, not always shown)
Spencer diddles little boys
Spencer diddles little boys
Spencer diddles little boys
'Cause I fucked his mom!
(Verse 4)
Spencer is Hitler's son
Spencer is Hitler's son
Spencer is Hitler's son
Kenny is the best!

  • Kenny's synagogue choir (singing): Shabbat shalom, hey!
Shabbat shalom, hey!
Shabbat, shabbat, shabbat, shabbat shalom!
Note: In the Hebrew language, the phrase "Shabbat shalom" literally means "Have a peaceful sabbath day." The on-screen subtitles, which are not always shown, give a joke translation: "We killed Jesus." This was likely inserted at Kenny's direction.

Season 5

Who Can Wear a Gorilla Suit the Longest? [5.3]

Kenny: Right before we started, Spenny was like, "Hey, it's Danny Glover vs. Morgan Freeman", and I was like, "You racist piece of shit".
Spenny: No, no. I can't believe you say stuff like that.

Spenny: The sad thing is, that the uh, the Mountain Gorilla is actually a critically endangered species. And that's not just endangered, that's critically endangered. Uncontrolled hunting--that's the poaching, war by human beings actually, uh, hurt them, and the destruction of their natural habitat. It's hard for me to say this without getting emotional but there's 700... 700 left in the world. That's it.
Production Assistant: That's not true. There's not just 700. They just found like, 125,000 gorillas in the Congo.
Spenny: When?
Production Assistant: Were you on the internet at all, looking up gorillas?

Kenny: I'm sure Spenny is downstairs talking about the gorilla and the plight of the gorilla. Well, fuck the fucking gorilla. I am a human being and it is our mission to destroy all other species. So if you see a gorilla, you know what you fucking do? You take a fucking axe and chop its head off, and sell its paws as ashtrays.

[Kenny walks into Spenny's room]
Spenny: Great, more gorilla rape. Yay!

Kenny: In every gorilla pack, there's an alpha gorilla. And then there's alpha gorilla's bitch.
Spenny: He doesn't know the basics. Gorillas don't get violent unless their families are threatened.
Kenny: Yeah? Yeah?!
Spenny: That's the truth.
[Kenny punches Spenny in the face, Spenny fights back]
Kenny: You wanna go gorilla style?!
[Kenny and Spenny start beating their chests, making grunting noises]
Spenny: What the fuck are we doing? This has nothing to do with anything.

Spenny: I'm 100% Gorilla. Gorilla's don't shave, everybody knows that.

External links

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