King of Queens

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It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness.
Charles Haddon Spurgeon
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The King of Queens (1998-2007) is an American situation comedy series about a package deliveryman, his wife, and her father, who all live together in Queens, New York.

Season 2

Meet By-Product [2.17]

[Doug's first encounter with Carrie was when Doug worked as a nightclub bouncer and his friend and co-worker Richie got him a a date with Carrie's friend, Lynn]
Lynn: Do know, get in to a lot of fights at the club?
Doug Hefferman: Well, you know, it's...I try everything I can not to fight. It's like I tell my boys. Always be nice. Be very nice. Until it's time to not be nice. very not nice.
Lynn: [laughs] I love that!
Doug Hefferman: Yeah, I can't take full credit though. Patrick Swayze said it at Road House.
Lynn: Oh, I never saw that movie!
Doug Hefferman: You never saw it...? It's only the greatest movie ever made except for Risky Business.

Unidentified episode

Doug Heffernan

  • My name might as well be Fatty McButterpants.
  • Try and keep it together here, and know that I'm not mad at you - I'm mad at the situation. We're out of Cocoa Puffs.
  • All right, I'm glad you're all gathered here. Because you're about to hear the story of a driver, a swollen ankle, and get this, an iguana.
  • Friends just keep you away from TV.
  • Mahi mahi is for me-hi me-hi.
  • No longer being Mastercard's bitch? Priceless!
  • Oh, it took a while, but you had to go there: "Fatty like cake!"
  • Relax, it's not like I gave him my pin number! *pause* Actually, that is my pin number.
  • You're (Carrie) always the boss. No Doug, you can't [buy] a car. No Doug, you can't [get] steroids!
  • You're dumb as ass!!!
  • Shutty!
  • Just shutty and watchy.
  • Go on back to Shuttytown!
  • I just figured out what I want for dinner: A nice, hot bowl of Shut-it Stew!!!
  • You know, I've had Shut-it Stew before, and it sure as diddly didn't taste like that!!!
  • By the time he (Joe Heffernan) wins that golden caboose, you'll be sucking on a nice, cold Shut-Up-sicle.
  • Shut it uppie!
  • Well, if I'm so evil, then how come there's no horror movie called Doug? (points to Carrie) Carrie, huh?!
  • "Warning: Refrigerated trucks are not equipped with an internal lock. Please retain key at all times." Mother of ass!!!
  • Well, only Don Zimmer, but that was to pull back the reigns

Arthur Spooner

  • Don't hang the meat in the window, if it ain't for sale!

Other Characters


Carrie: [After abusing Arthur on phone] Oh my God, what if they are the last words I ever say to him?
Doug: Then I guess you're off the hook.

Carrie: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?
Doug: Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?

Ray Barone: What you got going on here? Log of salami, chips and cheese. I guess you're not buying in to this whole cholesterol thing, huh?
Doug: I buy in to it, I just wanna see how high I can get the numbers.

Builder: Is that a mirror in your pocket...or are you just fat?
Doug: What the hell?
[after Carrie goes temporarily blind]
Doug: You know what, let me help you.
Arthur: Don't help her!
Doug: SHUT OFF!!!

Carrie: What movie do you want to see?
Kelly Palmer: Something brainless. What's that thriller where the Earth starts to lose its gravitational pull?
Carrie: Oh, yeah..."Floaters".

Arthur: Darling, I need to borrow the iron.
Carrie: Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.

Carrie: I can't believe we had sex while you were driving
Doug: I know. It was hot though!

Doug: Do you think I'm a big sack of crap?
Carrie: Have you been reading my diary?

Arthur: What do we have here?
Carrie: We're going to Saint Croix.
Arthur: We are? Oh, goody. I'm so happy.
Doug: Well, I hope you're happy for us, because it's just Carrie and me.
Arthur: I see. Once again I humiliate myself by assuming that I'm a member of this family.

Joe Heffernan: You're out of your mind!
Arthur: I've never been more in my mind!

Arthur: You gotta hand it to those Japanese, though, clever people. Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War.
Carrie: Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.
Arthur: True enough. Mystery solved.

Carrie: Is this how you take a bath?
Spence Olchin: Yes.
Carrie: You look like Ernie from Sesame Street.
Spence: What did I do to you?

Deacon Palmer: Douglas S. Heffernan... what's your middle name?
Doug: Steven. And yours?
Deacon: John.

Danny Heffernan: So what are we doing? Where's my truck? What about my route?
Doug: You know what, your first delivery is to Shut-it-Up Industries.

External links

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