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It is worse than a crime: it is a mistake.
Joseph Fouche
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Knightmare was a children's game show that aired on ITV from 1987 to 1994.


  • "Welcome, watchers of illusion, to the castle of confusion! Phase with us, now, for this is the time of adventure. I, Treguard, issue the challenge. Beyond that portal lies the dungeon of deceit, which I alone have mastered. But those of you who cross the boundaries of time, must master it also. The first is now without, so, Enter, Stranger!"
Treguard begins the first ever episode, Series 1 Episode 1
  • "Where am I?"
The dungeoneer's standard line as he/she entered a room, a cue for the advisors to describe the surroundings (often prefaced with "You're in a room"). First heard in Series 1 Episode 1
  • "Truth accepted/Falsehood"
The two standard lines used by characters delivering riddles to the dungeoneer. "Truth accepted" meant they got a riddle right, and "Falsehood" meant they got one wrong. Both first heard in Series 1 Episode 1
  • "Spellcasting...D I S M I S S"
Treguard's standard dismissals of teams in the early series (the advisors would then fade away). First heard in Series 1 Episode 1
  • "Join us again for Knightmare, and just keep telling yourself, it's only a game...isn't it?"
Treguard closes the first episode in the standard fashion for this series, Series 1 Episode 1
  • "Ooh, nasty..."
Originally an adlib by Hugo Myatt, the actor who played Treguard, this oft-repeated summing up of a dungeoneer's death became one of the programme's most famous quotes over the years. First heard in Series 1 Episode 6
  • "A Maltese washer woman spawned you, your Father was a godless Turk. A life of crime has since deformed you, you stupid, ugly, little berk! And now to draw the final..."
Folly (the jester) wins an 'insult contest' against Cedric, the mad monk. Series 1 Episode 7
  • "Where am I?"
(Dungeoneer is in a pitch black room)
"You tell us!!"
The dungeoneer and an advisor of Series 2 Team 4, Series 2 Episode 5
  • "Beware the mindless threat of the mechanical warrior"
Often repeated warning from Treguard during Series 2, referring to the deadly Automatum. First heard Series 2 Episode 6
  • "Welcome to one of Mogdred's little playpens, dungeoneer. Play a while. PLAY FOREVER! *manic, cackling laughter*"
Team 5 of Series 2 meet a nasty end at the hands of Mogdred, Series 2 Episode 6
Mrs Grimwold's catchphrase throughout Series 3, referring to her off-screen dog, who supposedly had two heads. First heard Series 3 Episode 2
  • "Simon, sidestep to your left"
The dungeoneer takes the advisor's advice...and steps straight into a pit, ending his quest. Series 4 Episode 9
  • "I say, you lot...bog off"
Pickle turns to the watchers (i.e. us) and ends Series 5 Episode 2
  • "Okay, Chris. Try Red, Blue, Green and Grey."
"Red, Green, Blue and Grey!"
"No, Chris, No!"
(The dungeoneer is devoured)
"Ooh, nasty!"
A communication breakdown between the dungeoneer and his advisors results in him being eaten by a Blocker, and Treguard firing off his catchphrase. Series 5 Episode 7
  • "I seek a word. If it is the correct word, then you may pass. If you give me a WRONG word, if you give me NO word, then I take a limb instead. Perhaps an arm, perhaps a leg, I seek a word. Give it me!"
(The team realise they don't have a word)
"With NO word, you have reached journey's end!"
Team 2 of Series 6 meet a nasty end at the hands of the Dreadnort. Series 6 Episode 4
  • "Now I don't like to gloat, Ben...wha, what am I saying? I can't believe I said that, dear me, what a little fibber I am! Of course I like to gloat, I love it. It's something of a hobby for me..."
Lord Fear taunts Ben, the dungeoneer of Team 5 of Series 6, which then went on to win. Series 6 Episode 11
His home having just been destroyed by a giant red dragon, Lord Fear expresses his anger at the end of Series 6 (Episode 16).
  • "There's nothing more terrifying than adolescent humanity. Well, unless it's me, of course."
Lord Fear, Series 7 Episode 1
  • "And then, they meet me. Moi. Numero Uno. Mr Big. The MAN!"
In a spyglass scene, Lord Fear anticipates Series 7 Team 1's arrival, who would ultimately die in the 'Play Your Cards Right' puzzle. Series 7 Episode 3
  • "10 dead goblins, sitting on the wall..."
A drunken Sylvester Hands sings this to the theme of '10 Green Bottles', Series 7 Episode 11
  • "16 million colours, stereo sound, auto scan, and remote surf across levels 1, 2 and 3."
Lord Fear boasts about his new video wall in the Fortress of Marblehead. Series 8 Episode 1
  • "They call me Brother Strange, because...well, some people find me a bit odd"
Brother Strange introduces himself to Series 8 Team 4, Series 8 Episode 6
  • "Lord Fear? Lord Fear! Are you ready to surrender?"
"What? ME? SURRENDER? You must be absolutely OUT of your tiny MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!"
Treguard and Lord Fear end the final episode, Series 8 Episode 10

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