Laverne & Shirley

From Quotes
When we understand that man is the only animal who must create meaning, who must open a wedge into neutral nature, we already understand the essence of love. Love is the problem of an animal who must find life, create a dialogue with nature in order to experience his own being.
Ernest Becker
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Laverne & Shirley was a situation comedy about two single roommates, Laverne DeFazio and Shirley Feeney, living and working in Milwaukee (the show's locale was later moved to Burbank, California). The show aired on ABC from 1976 to 1983.

Season 1

The Society Party (Pilot) [1.1]

Laverne: A Society gentleman would only go out with you for one reason - to have a good time, a few laughs, and a little vo-dee-oh-doh-doh.
Shirley: I don't vo-dee-oh-doh-doh!
Laverne: You vo-dee-oh-doh-doh.
Shirley: I don't vo-dee-oh-doh-doh!
Laverne: You vo-dee-OH...
Shirley: Once, and I was going steady a whole year...

[After Lenny and Squiggy ask Laverne and Shirley out on a date]
Shirley: No, thank you. We're going to a formal society dinner.
Lenny: [Sarcastically] Whoa, pardon me ladies...
Squiggy: Yeah, I would've worn my tuxedo, but my polo pony ate it.

[Reciting the poem Shirley wrote in her yearbook]
Laverne: If in heaven we don't meet, hand in hand we'll bear the heat. And if it ever gets too hot, Pepsi-Cola hits the spot.

Shirley: Laverne, the only parties we've ever been to are bring-your-own.
Laverne: I like bringin' my own... that way I know what I'm gettin'.

Shirley: [To Fonzie] This is Nana Shotz.
Fonzie: Hey Nana, life begins at 80, woah!

The Bachelor Party [1.2]

Shirley: Some day, God willing, I'm gonna be a mother. And if my daughter comes to me and says, "Mama, I want to go to this bachelor party and come outta this cake"... what can I tell her?
Laverne: A lot more than most mothers!

Bowling for Raspberries [1.3]

Laverne: Shirl, believe me, I'm not sick, and there's nothing in this place that will make me sick.
Squiggy: Hello!

Shirley: Those pills do not make her perky, they make her jerky!

A Nun's Story [1.4]

Shirley: She went to Chicago and became a nun. I stayed in Milwaukee and became a bimbo.
Laverne: You're no bimbo, Shirl.
Shirley: Yes, I am. Compared to her, I'm a bimbo.
Laverne: She's a nun. Compared to her, Eleanor Roosevelt's a bimbo.

Dog Day Blind Dates [1.6]

Shirley: I'll be as loose as I ever am on a first date. A little of this, a little of that, but no petting.

Once Upon a Rumor [1.7]

Squiggy: [To Shirley] What do you say we go to the drive-in, and you let me run amuck?

Laverne: He probably heard what a fun date you are.
Shirley: I know I'm fun...

Squiggy: You people make me stink!

Lenny: I saw it with my own two eyes. I had to choke back a blush!

Shirley: It's different for you. You don't have a reputation to protect.
Squiggy: What are you talking about, Shirley? For the first time in my life, I got a reputation!

Laverne: It just doesn't seem fair. A guy with a reputation is a hero. A girl with a reputation is a bimbo It just doesn't seem fair.
Shirley: Well, who knows, maybe a hundred years from now all that will have changed.
Laverne: Yeah, wouldn't it be great if no one cared about your reputation? Think of all the fun you could have!

Dating Slump [1.9]

Laverne: Touch my "L," sweetie, and your teeth go to Peoria!

Mother Knows Worst [1.15]

Mrs. Feeney: Now tell me, what do you girls like to do on a Saturday night?
Laverne: At home or in a car?

Season 2

Drive! She Said [2.1]

Squiggy: Lenny and I have two very respectful women upstairs, and we'd like to settle down to a nice, quiet orgy.

[In response to the girls' screaming]
Squiggy: Stop it, I'm going to lose my lust!

Excuse Me, May I Cut In? [2.4]

Laverne: What would you have to do if we wanted a color TV?
Shirley: We don't do those things.

Richie: Well, maybe we should do something again sometime.
Shirley: Anything but murder, mister.

Bridal Shower [2.5]

Squiggy:[To Lenny] What are you doing?!? When I'm talking to girls, don't stick your fingers in your mouth!

Big Rosie:[To Shirley] She drowned my fox!! (after Laverne dumps her stole in the punch-bowl)

Look Before You Leap [2.6]

Lenny: Me and Squiggy was talking and we decided that your kid oughta have a last name.
Laverne: Huh?
Lenny: On account of, if he don't, the poor little guy's never gonna get any mail.

[After learning that Laverne might be pregnant]
Lenny: So, me and Squiggy flipped a coin to see which one of us was gonna volunteer to be your husband.
Laverne: Awwww, and you lost, huh?
Lenny: No, I won.

Lenny: Now, Kosnowski's a pretty good last name Laverne. I had it practically all my life. My grandfather told me it means 'Help, there's a hog in my kitchen!'.

Lenny: I'm gonna make a good living. Plus, I'll practically never hit you or nothin'...

Call Me a Taxi [2.15]

[After Rosie offers the girls money]
Laverne: No thank you. I'd rather sell my body to science.
Rosie: Who else would buy it, DeFazio?

Shirley: What kind of guys give girls dimes to dance?
Laverne: Guys with small change.

Squiggy: [To Shirley, after seeing her stuffed chest] Look at you! You're all... swelled up! What do you, got the mumps?

Steppin' Out [2.16]

[After hearing Rosie Greenbaum's voice behind her]
Laverne: I know that voice, and I hate the person it's attached to!

Shirley: I'm shaving my legs. This ugly stubble is showing through my nylons.
Laverne: Ugly stubble, huh? That's what holds my nylons up!

[ After finding her Ten Commandments charm bracelet]
Shirley: I can't wear THIS! Thou Shall Not Kill is missing !

[ After Shirley gives her free nylons she got at gas station]
Laverne: You got nylons? All I got was a glow-in-the-dark snow scraper.

[Reciting a jingle]
Shirley: Hair all grungy, full of goo, shake and brush out, quicky poo!

[After the water pressure is turned off, and Shirley needs to rinse her hair]
Laverne: Where am I going to get water?
Shirley: I don't know, just get me some water from SOME place!
[Laverne looks towards the toilet and smiles]
Shirley: Don't even think about it.

Shirley: My scalp is all itchy, I feel like I have athlete's head!

[Upon seeing Shirley drying her hair in the oven]
Squiggy: Oh my God, she's cooking herself to death!

Lenny and Squiggy: [In unison] Fire, fire, fire, someone get the net! Here come the firemen, to get the fire wet!

Hi, Neighbor Book 2 [2.19]

Shirley: We won't go out with just any old creep!
Laverne: Yeah, only those who ask us!

[Upon seeing the folded napkins on their restaurant table]
Lenny: They gave us... little hats!

Squiggy: Oh, look at that wine! It's white, just like Barbara...

[After finding out that she was eating cow brain]
Laverne: Hey, Len, I'll trade you a brain for a chop.
Lenny: Now what am I going to do with a brain?

[As he gives Shirley one of his lobster claws]
Squiggy: Here, why don't you just suck on a wing, huh?

Citizen Krane [2.23]

Shirley: Charles Pfister Krane has a reputation!
Squiggy: So does my sister.

Season 3

Airport '59 [3.1]

Shirley: Laverne, I'm telling you, flying is safer than driving! Nobody has ever crashed into a cloud!
Laverne: Yeah, well nobody ever fell 40,000 feet from a DeSoto either.

Shirley: Does anybody have any hobbies they'd like to share with us? stamp collecting? coin collecting? Flying large aircraft?

The Pact [3.3]

Lenny: Boy, am I going to dream about her tonight!
Squiggy: Just don't make those gurgley sounds...

Robot Lawsuit [3.4]

Laverne: This is the creepiest thing I've ever seen!
Squiggy: Hello!

Laverne: My neck moved!!
Lenny: No, it didn't, it's right under your head.

Judge: This is the third time they've been in this week!
Lenny: This is really good though! He's got internal bleeding, check his pockets!

Laverne's Arranged Marriage [3.5]

Shirley: You marry a man with a square head, no neck, and hair on his thumbs, you know what your kids are gonna turn out like?
Squiggy: Hello!

An Affair to Forget, Part 1 (AKA The Cruise, Part 1) [3.6]

Edna: Well, where you're going is nice too.
Shirley: Yes... Detroit is lovely this time of year.

Laverne: If you ever lay your hands on our money again, I'll tell everyone you never vo-de-oh-doh-doh-ed!
Lenny: Oh yeah? I got witnesses!

Shirley: Uniforms? To sell shoes?
Laverne: Well, I love uniforms!
Shirley: You're thinking of sailors.
Laverne: I'm always thinking of sailors.

An Affair to Forget, Part 2 (AKA The Cruise, Part 2) [3.7]

Lenny: Shirl, you are a saint.
Squiggy: She's better than a saint, she's a... pope.

Laverne and Shirley Meet Fabian [3.8]

Laverne: Go get some blankets from the bedroom.
Lenny & Squiggy: [Excitedly] Bedroom!!

Laverne: C'mon guys, I gotta get her out of these wet clothes.
Squiggy: Okay, start with the shirt and do it slow...

Rosie: What do you know about fixing Cadillacs?
Lenny: Listen, what I don't know about cars you could fit in a manual.

Rosie: Come off of it, Shirley. Famous people do not dine with bimbos.
Laverne: Why not? You told me the mayor dined with you.

Shirley's Operation [3.9]

Shirley: The mad hatter did not wear fishnet stockings!
Laverne: Well, that's why he didn't get any action!

Edna: [To Frank] Quit complaining, you could look a lot worse.
Squiggy: Hello!

Shirley: [After learning that she might be having her appendix removed] I promised myself I'd remain intact until my wedding night, if you know what I mean...
Laverne: Shirl, guys don't care if you lose your appendix!

Doctor: I need to get something before I can leave here.
Laverne: You got it!
[Laverne plants a big kiss on his lips.]
Doctor: Wow, that was nice. But what I really needed was...
Laverne: [Interrupting] Now? In front of these people?

[Shirley wakes up in her hospital bed after Laverne was asked out by her doctor]
Shirley: By all rights, that should have been MY date.

Take My Plants, Please [3.11]

Laverne: [Explaining why the Braves' losing streak led to them being laid off] Let me explain it to you again. If the Braves don't play so good, then people don't go to games. If people don't go to games, then Shotz can't sell them beer. Do you got that?
Shirley: Then why don't they just lay off the Braves?

Shirley: I hate to go down to unemployment. It's embarrassing down there. Everybody down there knows you don't have a job.

Laverne: We'll have fun down at unemployment. We'll meet guys.
Shirley: Unemployed guys.
Laverne: I happened to meet a doctor there once.
Shirley: I want you to think about that for a minute, Laverne. Why would a doctor be unemployed, hmmm?
Laverne: He was so good... he cured everybody.

Shirley: There is nothing more despicable to me than this place.
Squiggy: Hello!

Squiggy: Lenny and me is working on the world's first combination electric toothbrush and radio. We call it the radio-brush. You'll be able to dance away your tooth decay!

Lenny: People are going to finally start brushing their teeth once a week like they ought to!
Shirley: This may come as a shock to you, but I brush my teeth after every meal.
Lenny: That's poor oral hygiene, Shirl. You're gonna wear them right down to the nub.

Squiggy: Go ahead and laugh. Just like they laughed at Columbus right before he discovered Ohio.

Shirley: Those boys have got the right idea. We should try making money at what we really love to do.
Laverne: I think we'd get arrested for that, Shirl.

Squiggy: What's with all the tropical flora?
Lenny: Didn't you used to go out with her?
Squiggy: No, that was Theresa DeFluca

Shirley: Do you know what? Girls love plants.
Squiggy: What do you do, you wait for them to lie down, and then kind of rub it all over their bodies?

Laverne: How about you, Len? You like girls, too, huh?
Lenny: Sure. Hey, if I get a bigger plant then him, will I get bigger women?

Laverne: I'll be the foreigner. Herbie Shoole once said I looked French.
Shirley: Herbie Shoole said you kissed French.

The Horse Show [3.14]

Laverne: What'd you have to do to him? [Carmine]
Shirley: Nothin'. Some guys are just natural gentlemen.
[Lenny and Squiggy burst through the door.]

The Slow Child [3.15]

Shirley: Alright, I'll just have to figure out some other way to keep people warm during the party, let me see... blankets, blankets would be good...
Laverne: Oh, I like blankets, then we can all get under 'em!

Lenny: [After he and Amy kiss] I liked the part when you said 'whisper'!

Laverne: Squiggy, do you know the Purple Fiends?
Squiggy: Know them? They beat me up three times!

The Second Almost Annual Shotz Talent Show [3.16]

Squiggy: This song is called "Night After Night," and it's about two nights in a row.

The Dentist [3.17]

[After Lenny's baby teeth are offered up to help Laverne's dental problem]
Squiggy: He loved those baby teeth! As if they was his own!

The Driving Test [3.19]

[Laverne is helping Squiggy practice for his written driver's test.]
Laverne: Squiggy, true or false...
Squiggy: True!
Laverne: I didn't ask the question yet!
Squiggy: Yes, you did. You said, "Squiggy, true or false?" I'm Squiggy, that would be true.

[After Squiggy walks in on Laverne washing the floors with her feet]
Squiggy: You wash your feet in the living room too?!?!!

Squiggy: [Referring to a bowl of mushy food] It's brown now, that means it was yellow once!

Lenny: You know girls, between us, Squiggy's not as smart as he looks...
Laverne: Aww, he's gotta be...

The Obstacle Course [3.20]

[Discussing Shirley's interest in the Ladies Auxiliary Milwaukee Police, a.k.a. "LAMP"]
Laverne: [To Shirley] You're too little to be a LAMP. Maybe you could be a nightlight...

Laverne: You're nothing but a yellow-bellied cream puff!
Shirley: Cream puff?! Cream puff?! I'll have you know that cream puffs don't have bellies!

Squiggy: What I don't have in strength, I make up for in what I lack up here! [Points to head]

Debutante Ball [3.21]

Lenny: My family may have left Poland in disgrace, but some day we'll return the same way!

Lenny: [To Laverne] You're pretty, and you're smart, and you happen to be the classiest girl I know.

Lenny: No need to bow, a simple crutsy will do.

Woman: In my country, I'd have your head!
Lenny: You'd look pretty stupid with my head!

The Dance Studio [3.23]

Laverne: I've got better things to do than spend my time in the kitchen!
Shirley: Oh yeah? Well answer me this - how do you intend on keeping a husband happy, hmmm?
[Laverne smiles suggestively]
Shirley: Well I hear that gives them quite the appetite!

[As Shirley cleans up Carmine's cuts]
Carmine: Ow, don't touch me! [Pauses] That's funny, that's what you usually say!

[Laverne goes to get the bible, where they keep the money, in order to float Carmine a loan.]
Laverne: Okay, Carmine, how much do you need?
Carmine: Five thousand bucks.
Laverne: [Flipping through the bible] Five thou-
[Laverne stops flipping the pages, closes the bible, and bows her head]
Laverne: Let us pray.

Carmine: No, no, you don't understand - I only need a wife for one night.
Shirley: Get out.
Carmine: No, no, no, it's for the money.
Laverne: Then why don't you just call Ready Betty Wazaluski?
Shirley: Both of you, get out of here!

Shirley: [To Laverne] Boy, you just stepped straight off the bus right into Filth Town, didn't you?

Breakin' Up and Makin' Up [3.24]

Squiggy: Alright, so maybe we are pickleheads... but we're the BEST DAMN PICKLEHEADS IN THE STATE OF MILWAUKEE!

[While watching a pageant on TV]
Squiggy: Ooh, the swimsuit competition! I'm gonna turn down the sound so we can see it better!

Shirley: [Stuck in a dress] Somebody get this dress off me!
[Lenny & Squiggy barge through the front door.]
Squiggy: This looks like a job for a couple of pickleheads!

Season 4

Playing the Roxy [4.3]

Shirley: I treat my body like a temple, Laverne. You choose to treat yours like an amusement park.

The Quiz Show [4.5]

Laverne: [Referring to a fur coat] This is the second best thing I've ever felt!

A Date With Eraserhead [4.7]

Laverne: [After seeing the guys gawk over a hot girl] Now I know who God gave the rest of my body to...

Dinner For Four [4.12]

Woman: [Speaking about Laverne and Shirley] You know the old saying - girls without looks make the best cooks.

Lenny: If you cut us, do we not bleed? If you slap us, do we not swell up? If you spit on us, do we not get wet?
Squiggy: The answer to all these questions is yes.

[After Shirley expresses disapproval over Laverne's proposed skimpy kitchen-attire]
Laverne: Well, it could get hot in their kitchen.
Shirley: Not if you don't take this it won't.

Laverne: We've got a date with a couple of veterinarians.
Squiggy: Never trust men who don't eat meat. There's something fishy about them.

Shirley: Nobody wants anything that's been chewed up and spit out.
Squiggy: Hello!

Lenny's Crush [4.18]

Laverne: You know that special feeling a guy gets for a girl?
Lenny: Yeah... I got that for you.

Squiggy: [To his date] Keep drinking, it'll make it easier...

Shirley: Don't be stupid! No man has EVER had a good time with me...

Lenny: What do you think?
Laverne: You spelled mustard wrong.
Lenny: Too many O's, huh?

Squiggy in Love [4.20]

Carmine: Love is blind.
Shirley: Yes, but deaf, dumb, and unable to smell?

Season 5

The Beatnik Show [5.16]

Laverne: [Reciting the poem she wrote about Shirley, titled "My Friend"] My best friend is Shirley Feeney, the best in all the land. Whenever we're in trouble, we face it hand in hand. We laugh when we are happy, we cry when we are sad. We talk when we are lonely, just to know her makes me glad. If I had one wish in life, I know what it would be. I'd have Shirl as my best friend, for all eternity.

Murder on the Moosejaw Express, Part 2 [5.21]

[Laverne is trying to think like a killer.]
Laverne: I'm a bald killer. I follow two dames into the dining car. One is a knockout - a long-legged beauty whose tall, senseless body makes me forget my miserable childhood. And with her... a friend. I follow the girls back to their compartment - if only the pretty one was there alone. But no such luck. The stump is in there with her.

[Laverne is holding a film canister.]
Laverne: The bald man may get me, but he ain't gonna get this! I know what to do!
[Walks purposefully into the bathroom, we hear the toilet flush.]
Laverne: Okay, now that's done. Now what am I going to do with this? [Pulls out film canister again]

Laverne: Lord, I swear, I'll never do another bad thing if you just send me some help.
Squiggy: Hello!

Winnie: Mind if I join you?
Shirley: Why, am I coming apart?

Season 6

The Dating Game [6.6]

Host (Jim Lange): Bachelor #3, would you please say hello to Monique?
Squiggy: Hello!

Monique: Bachelor #2, what kind of vegetable would you be?
Lenny: I would be a sauerkraut. It was my only toy as a child.

Lenny: I think I move her.
Squiggy: Nah, she's still there.

Squiggy: [To Monique] Go out with me, and thou gets toast!

Monique: Bachelor #3, if you could invent a machine to make me fall in love with you, what would it be?
Squiggy: A lawnmower.

Monique: What's the most romantic word you can think of?
Lenny: Lint.
Monique: Lint??
Lenny: Have you never been in love?

Host: Hang on to your enchiladas, because Andrew, you and your date are headed south of the border to the spicy city of... Acapulco!
Squiggy: Ahhhhh!
Lenny: We're going to France!!