Lee Evans (comedian)
Lee Evans (born 25 February 1964) is an English stand-up Comedian and Actor.
Wired & Wonderful at Wembley (2002)
- Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong fucking house!
- I said to my wife 'If I ever get like that ya know mumbling to myself and shitting my pants shoot me' she said 'fucking run monkey boy!'
- Oy haven't old people got big ears?
- God old people on coaches! Fuck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!
- All blokes get to that stage when they get bigger than their dad, like fourteen/fifteen, and he can't hit you no more. And he's like 'go to your room!', and your like [high pitched] "Nah! Fucking nah dad! [imitates smoking] things are gonna change around 'ere." Now he didn't hit me, but it took a team of surgeons to remove that fag from my arse.
- My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!
- We used to do stuff, we were nuts. Like lick a battery. What the fuck was that? You used to be like, "John! John! Watch!" [imitates licking a battery, then he jits] "Fuck, you just had a stroke", "I know!", "Do it again!", "I was gonna!"
- At school they made you do stuff, like swim in your pyjamas, what the hell point was that? You'll be asleep. Someone comes up to you and goes, "Somebody's drowning!". You'll be like, "I don't give a fuck. I was asleep."
- I actually spent four days in my hotel room 'cause I closed the door and there was a sign on the door saying "Do Not Disturb" and I thought, "Fuck I can't get out!"... In my cupboard was a blanket and a pillow, that was the worst night's sleep I've ever fucking had... and the Corby trouser press, don't it hurt your legs!
- I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.
- [on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you fuckin' won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"
- This bloke... I swear he's in any supermarket car park, he's great. He walks across the car park and he's got one of those fobs and he opens his car before he gets there. [posh voice] "Ha ha ha! I don't know if you saw what I just did there, but I actually opened my car door before I actually physically got there!" TWAT!
- Old people can't fall asleep in their chair in peace. As soon as they start to nod off you go, "Nan! Nan!" They go, "What? What?" "Oh sorry we thought you'd just di..." [looks sheepish]
- Getting lost is the worst thing in the world, especially if you're with your wife. That's the nightmare. If you get lost with your wife you know it's gonna be a nightmare. Because you know when you hand your wife the map and you except her to turn into the Lombard rally with the helmet and goggles going, "Go! Go! Go! Left, right, straight ahead!" But they don't, you hand your wife the map and she'll go, "Where are we now?" "That's why I gave you the fucking map!" "All right, all right! You got us lost! Christopher fucking Columbus!" They then go, "Oh look, they have a Woolworths!" You fucking...
- You'll say to my goldfish, "Sleep!" and it'll go, "I CAN'T! I'VE GOT NO FUCKING EYELIDS! I'M KNACKERED!"
- I had a long sleep, fuck it I deserve a nap.
- (About restaurant pepper shakers) The police should use that instead of pepper spray, you're much further away: 'GET BACK, GET FUCKING BACK!'
- What did I do? I've been here for weeks!
- We go outside, we're sitting in the car looking up at the house and my wife had left landing light on. "What's that for?" "Burglars." Yeah burglars would walk up to our house and go "Ooooohhhh no! They're all gathered on the landing." We're all on the landing going "Fucking shut up, shut up!" So I go in, I go in, I switch a lamp on, I go "Yes, yes, I'll switch a lamp on that will fool them yeah, yeah, no too obivous, no I'll switch the lamp off" we're all waiting for him in the dark 'BLLUUUAAAARRRGGHHH!' "No that's no good, It really does look like we're out. I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll switch the lamp on, I'll put it in the cupboard, I'll close the cupboard, I know It's on, but he fucking dunt does he!"
XL Tour (2005)
- Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"
- I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants - home made cooking - I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!
- I like it when the waiter askes you if you want parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!
- We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot!
- You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT, DID YOU THROW BREAD OUT THE FUCKIN' WINDOW?"
- I hate those parking machines. Any machine where you've got to put money in, how do they always know you're in a hurry? You know, you rush up to it and they always get fussy on that last pound coin! You put it in and it goes "Nooo, I don't like that one!" "Yeah well it's just the same as all the others!" "Yeah I know, I just don't like that last one!"
- [about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*
- Why are we still embarrased about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrased are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like "Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!"
- [about smoke alarms] You burn a bit of toast and it goes nuts!, THERES A FIRE!, No, its just a bit of fucking toast.
- I'm always all over the place, you know, you get these people that are like "Here, I was talking to her on monday - was it tuesday? - was it thurs-?" "WHO CARES! JUST TELL ME WHAT THEY FUCKING SAID!" I hate them fuckers! They say stuff like "Feels like a tuesday, does it feel like a tuesday? Yeah, feels like a tuesday." I don't know! How the fuck does tuesday feel? They're like "It's half past five but it only feels like twelve," fucking hell, do they people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?
- Who are them blokes, the jockeys? Who are they, three foot high fucking hobbits in a pimps outift!
- People say why do we kill so many cows, well they're *crap!* They have no survival instincts whatsoever! You stand next to any fence in the country and a cow'll walk towards you going "Is it my time yet? I don't mind, just shoot me!" They're dumb animals, otherwise they'd learn to shit without it hitting the back of their legs! They'd swing it out at least! All dumb animals soil themselves! Sheep! Sheep are the same, but they do it for a reason! They're like that[imitating rubbing shit over himself] "Make a jumper outta me, will ya! I don't think so!" [imitating rubbing shit into his head] "Bobble hat? Bollocks!" But cows, ah, they haven't even got any camoflauge! They're black and white, and where do they choose to stand? IN A GREEN FIELD! They can't even run away properly, you chase a cow across a field and they run away like an old drunk!
- What happened to all the family butchers? People complain there's no family butchers around anymore. Well they're fucking mad! It's the only shop in the high street where you walk in and some blokes covered in blood, mutilating an animal! Before you walk in they're like that "Grrr, GAAAH FUCKING" [imitates chopping motions] soon as you walk in they're like "Good morning, how are you? Okay, goodbye!" You ever seen them unloading the delivery van - the freezer lorry - they get out a side of cow. Where's the *other* side? Is there like a cow still grazing in a field with a fucking side missing? And the frozen pigs, they're always in that position, have you noticed?
- [imitates position] They're like frozen goalkeepers! They killed it just as it was about to save the ball!
- I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? "Where's me salad! What you trying to do, kill me?"
- Peanuts! What happened to peanuts! Now every buggers allergic to peanuts! It's true, you open a packet of peanuts now, and a bunch of five year olds in a five mile radius slam to the floor, jabbing themselves with fucking adrenaline!
- I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, fucking YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be pissed off if you opened it and a socket set fell out!
- Bird flu! What's that? How do you know a bird's got flu! Some chinese bloke spots one of his chicken with its claws in a bowl of hot water and a towel over its head! Bwrr-rr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rr!
- Parcel Force, Parcel Force, Paaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrcccccceeeeeeelllllll Foooorrrcccccccceeeee!..... Parcel Force..... We will get this package to yyyoooooouuuuu!! FUCK OFF!!
- Our grandparents fucking ate anything put in front of them! Your granddad would say "What's for tea, love?" "Tripe!" "Oooooohh! Animal stomach lining for fucking tea, man!" They ate anything, fucking monkey's phlegm, oranutang's bollocks. I dunno I'm just making them up now... chicken's quiff!
- [talking about people on compensation adverts] Then there's that woman, you know, "I was on my way to work when I slipped over accidentally on purpose!"
- Then your wife or girlfriend would come up with mad suggestions like, "Lets have a bath together, it'll be just like the films". But it ain't innit. Because women like to have their bath water so fucking hot. No! Have you seen a woman get out of the bath? they're red up to here! it's like they're wearing a low cut fucking scald! Even a lobster would go "FUCK THAT"!
- Car theives operate in this area, Where else would they operate? The number of times I've been driving through the country and theres a coupla car theives in a field like 'You said there'd be cars!' And thanks for telling us! They're not doing anythin about it! You'd hate it if you were getting mugged and a policeman ran over and said, 'He's muggin you, you know? He's running away with all your money!'
- [about little boys climbing trees] GET DOWN, fucking GET DOWN, I thought my dad was James Brown when I was a kid. But when they get to 16 its all "get up, fucking get up". When you get to 18 its "Get out! Get out! Not If you've got a daughter though, its "Get in" [as his daughter] But I love him dad. [As himself] Fucking get in! [as her boyfriend] But I love her Mr Evans. [As himself] Get fucked!
- Switch the light on love, I'm not Charles Fucking Dickens!
- [about car satellite navigation systems] They've got those really sexy voices now with them now don't they? [in exaggerated sultry voice] Turn... left! Fuckin' right love!
- [about airports] You have to check in two hours before you go anywhere now, and you're always late for the checkin, you know you kind of drive to the airport 100mph, you checkin and the airport staff go "it's all right, you got aaages yet! Sit down!" "*puffing and panting* Okay!" And you're always checking, you know: "Have you called it yet?" "Nooooooo! Mr Panicky Poo! Sit dooooown!"
- [about having a scalding hot bath with his wife] Have you noticed they're in the bath before us, so they can "romantically" watch you enter the bathroom COMPLETELY naked. And "romatically" get in the bath WHILST hold your bollocks above your head. AAAH,NONONONO, AAAH, aah for fuck, aah this is so FUCKING ROMANTIC! And why do I always get the fucking tap end! You're in the bath and one's really hot, one's really cold, as soon as you lean back, ah! ah! ah! ah! ah! Fuck off!
- The thing that my wife is into now, and its fucking doing my head it really is... is pebbles. Pebbles! She collects them. No I dont mean ordinary pebbles, fuck it, i mean, varnished ones, in a dish! Is "where did you go on a weekend love" "Skimming!"
- The NHS have now got a website, because you gotta be on the web anyone would say if you've got a computer you gotta be on the web. Fuck, no you havn't because it's all porn, It is and they just want to make us feel inadequate. You innocently log on to get your E-mails and it comes up: COCK EXTENSIONS, VIAGRA, DO YA WANT SOME! I'm looking around the room, how do they know? I'm serious, the search engines have got Tourettes. You can type in anything and they'll relate it back to porn.
- [about earphones] Whose heads do they make earphones for now? It's like one long earpiece and one short one! There's people in Cornwall going, "Thank you very much, that fits our heads just fine!"
- [about people giving you directions] he always has to tell you where your going, to visulise it in his head. [as a welsh passer by] Wait a minute yes I know this one! You go down there turn right [makes turning signals with his hands] Come to a roundabout go round the roundabout [walks round in a circle pretending to be a car going round a roundabout] Fuck it! I missed my turning! Bollocks! [Pretends to be asleep] "What are you doing now?" I'm in the services, I'm fucked!
- Your grandparents were hard they'd say: Whats that you're smoking? Asbestos fags. You tosspot, I'm smoking roll-your-own-uranium rods!
- [about product helplines] Durex have got one! What point do we fucking call them? [Imitates having sex while on the phone] HELLOOOOOOO!... Wait a minute... Too late.
Live from the West End
- Bees. They don't know they've even got a fuckin' sting. It's like *buzzes*, it's a twat with a shotgun!
- My wife, she is a beautiful woman, but in labour she turned into fucking Jack Nichloson from The Shining. "You. You fucking did this to me!", "But I thought it was a shared experience", "No. You fucking did this!"
- They'll drop a cage into the water, and the shark'll be like, 'what you doin' down 'ere. What you fuckin' doin' down 'ere?', and they'll get a bit of meat on a stick, and go 'Oy! Wanker! Bleurgh!' And they’ll go ‘Oh is that for me…’ (pretends to shove meat in shark’s mouth) ‘You fuckin’…’
- I was thinking to myself out there- well you wouldn't think your anybody else would you?
The Different Planet Tour
- I don't come out on film. (pulls face) I-I get the red eye. (Pulls another face) Blokes like that: (imitates knocking someone out) "You fuckin' will in a minute, ya twat!"
- The Happy eater! They're miserable as fuck! You go in the happy eater you'll see a woman behind the counter at the deep fat frier like this *sobs* "DON'T ASK FOR CHIPS!" *sobs louder* "I FUCKIN' HATE CHIPS!" "Chips with this, chips with that...chips with me an' all I'll stick me head in the deep fat frier in a minute *mimes dunking head in, mummbling "chips with this chips with that...*
- TGI Friday's, American style restaurant. well, they're mental, they're mental, i dunno, its american "have a nice day" and everything, so i go in, sit in a booth, this bloke comes out of the kitchen and went high pitched "HIGH!!!!" imitates firework whistle "yes you are aren't you?"
what are they on in there? thye must be in the kitchen going imitates snorting "HIGH!! WHAT CAN I DO FER YOU?" "you can fuck off!" "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO FUCK OFF?" "with a punch up the neck, get out of it!" I've figured out a way to get them back, be the same as them, just before you go in, get yourself a band and go like "HIGH!!!!" they come round there like "H..OH MY GOD THE SAME AS US!"
Big Live at the O2 (2002)
- People tell me 'Lee, you should take up golf. It's good for you.' You know what I say to that? 'Fuck off.'
- Why are all the dogs at dog shows really nice dogs? You never see a pitbull with a ribbon 'round his head going, 'If you say one fucking word...'