Lewis Grizzard

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If the deer had guns too, then, and only then, would hunting truly be a sport.

Lewis Grizzard (October 20, 1946 - March 20, 1994) was an American writer and humorist, famous for his Southern demeanor and commentary on the U.S. Southern states.

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  • You ain't from around here are you? Don't lie and say you're from Florida, that accent says New Jersey.
  • I am the only person in the history of Moreland, Georgia to ever be on the New York Times' Best Seller list. I'm the only person in the history of Moreland, Georgia who ever heard of the New York Times' Best Seller list.
  • Real estate agents are God's plague on mankind when locusts are out of season.
  • Lewis Grizzard’s advice to Atlantans in case of nuclear war: If you live on the south side of Atlanta (read: "Et-lanna"), get on I-75 and go south. If you live of the north side of Atlanta get on I-75 and go north. If you are a Yankee get on 285.
    • (For those not familiar with Atlanta highways, I-285 is a loop around the city)
  • Life is like a dog-sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
  • Yankees ain't real sure how smart we are. Cause we talk slowly, and move slowly. They don't know we thinkin' all that time.
  • There's no such thing as being too Southern.
  • I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
  • Yankees...ain't real sure how smart we are. See, cause we...talk...slowly...and...move...slowly. They don't know we thinkin' all that time.
    • Said in an affected slow Southern drawl
Life is like a dog-sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
  • I am the only person in the history of Moreland, Georgia to ever be on the New York Times' Best Seller list. I'm the only person in the history of Moreland, Georgia who ever heard of the New York Times' Best Seller list.
  • Real estate agents are God's plague on mankind when locusts are out of season.
  • Never date a Super-Christian.
  • If the deer had guns too, then, and only then, would hunting truly be a sport.
  • The most effective form of birth control known to man is a Bronx accent.
  • In North Carolina, they put slaw on barbecue and God sent them Jesse Helms as punishment.
  • It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
  • Grizzard also remarked that being a newspaper columnist was much different than being a reporter(or, as he put it, a newspaperman); the main difference, Grizzard said, was that a columnist was free to make things up if they so wished, while a reporter had to stick to facts. In If I Ever Get Back To Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet To The Ground, Grizzard gave a partial list of falsehoods he'd written in his columns, including:
    • Jerry Falwell runs rabbits.
    • Bugs Bunny is gay.
    • Nobody actually lives in North Dakota.
    • Elvis Presley actually IS alive.

External links

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