Little Britain

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Little Britain is a BBC radio and television sketch show written by and starring Matt Lucas and David Walliams.


Marjorie Dawes: So what advice can we give to Fatty Halliday about losing some of his excess weight? Paul?
Paul: Eat sensibly.
Marjorie:Oh that's rich coming from you. Anyone else?
Pat:Don't eat too much chocolate.
Marjorie:What do you mean, don't eat too much chocolate? All the other kids hate him. Chocolate's the only friend he's got. Meera?
Marjorie:No I can't... what?
Marjorie:What? Do it again...
Marjorie:No I can't understand... do it again.
Marjorie:One more?
Marjorie:No, I'll tell you what you should be doing, Chris, and that's getting some kind of exercise!

Series One

Episode One

Mr Collier: Vicky, it’s been two weeks now and I still haven’t received your essay on Lord Kitchener.
Vicky: No because what happened was was I was going round Karl’s but then this whole fing happened because Shelley Todd who’s a bitch anyway has been completely going around saying that Destiny stole money out of Rochelle’s purse but I ain’t never not even spoken to Rochelle ‘cause she flicked ash into Michaela’s hair.
Mr Collier: Vicky, I’m not interested in that. I’m more interested in your coursework.
Vicky: No because what happened was was this whole fing happened what I don’t even know nuffin about because Ashley Cramer has been going around saying that Samantha’s brother smells of mud but anyway shut up I ain’t never even stole no car so shut up.
Mr Collier: Vicky, have you even started this essay?
Vicky: No but yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah no but yeah but no because I’m not even going on the pill because Nadine reckons they stop you from getting pregnant.
Mr Collier: You know if I don’t get the essay by the end of this week I’m going to have to fail you?
Vicky: Yeah but Louise Farren emptied a whole bottle of Fanta down Shannon’s back but anyway Luke reckons he fingered Emma Bateman in the language lab.
Mr Collier: Vicky, do you want to pass your GCSE?
Vicky: GCS what? Don’t go giving me evils.

Hywel: Well, I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay.
Daffyd Thomas: No, you are not a gay, I am a gay. You're probably just a little bit poofy!

Episode Two

Marjorie Dawes:Mary?
Meera:Fish and chips.
Marjorie:Sorry, do it again...
Meera:Fish and chips.
Marjorie:She doesn't make sense... do it again.
Meera:Fish and chips.
Marjorie Dawes:Do it again.
Meera: Oh forget it.
Marjorie Dawes:Well it must be some sort of dish that we don't get over here.
[Marjorie writes down 'CURRY' on the whiteboard]

Episode Three

Marjorie Dawes:So what advice can we give to Babara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul.
Paul:[sighs] Cut out biscuits.
Marjorie Dawes:Cut out biscuits. Good. Anyone else? Mary?
Meera:Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.
Marjorie Dawes: Something about sugar. But really I think the most useful advice we can all give you is to look at the person inside. Because you're obviously an incredibly unhappy person.
Barbara:No, I'm not!
Marjorie Dawes:Well you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you anymore, but that's not for here. But as far as she's concerned if you got knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!

Episode Four

Dad: Hi, you - open for afternoon tea?
Ray McCooney:Ooh. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not
[He plays the flute.]
Dad:Oh, OK.
[He starts to walk out.]
Ray McCooney:N-no, I am. Please. Sit down. Sit down.
[He shows them to a table]
Mum:Oh, what an adorable little place.
Kimberley:It smells funny in here.
Mum:[whispers] Kimberley!
Ray:I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
[He puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley.]
Ray:Here I am with the cake trolley.
Mum:Ooh, those look great, don't they, Kimberley?
Kimberley:I want the chocolate cake.
Mum:OK, honey. [to Ray] Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if there are any nuts in it?
Mum:What do you mean? Yes, there are nuts or yes you know?
Dad:Well which?
Ray:If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie, but if you call me false then I'll also tell ye a lie.
[He plays the flute]
Dad:OK, so does the cake contain nuts?
Ray:[picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The carrot cake contains... no nuts. [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts. [He plays the flute] No nuts. [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.
Dad:[takes the cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?

Episode Five

Robot career counsellor:What do you have in mind?
Boy:Well, really ever since I was small I've always wanted to go into catering.
Robot:In the future there will no jobs for humans in the catering industry. Only robots.
Boy:Oh, does that include catering in hotels?
Robot:Er, yes.
Boy:Well the other thing I was thinking of was engineering. You see...
Robot:There will be no jobs for humans. We will inherit the earth.
Boy:Oh dear.
[It prints out a brochure.]
Robot career counsellor:This booklet will explain everything. Go now.
Boy:Thank you, sir.
Robot:Tuck your shirt in. I am a robot.

Episode Six

Vicky: Yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no because I've never had sex apart from that one time eight months ago but apart from that I'm a complete virgin.

[Andy has chosen a card that says 'With Deepest Sympathy'.]
Lou: Are you sure this is the card you want to send your brother Declan for his birthday?
Andy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[After they have bought the card.]
Andy: It's his birthday. He's not dead.

Episode Seven

Social Worker: Vicky, where is the baby?
Vicky: Swapped it for a Westlife CD.
Social Worker: How could you do such a thing?
Vicky Pollard: I know, they're rubbish.

Episode Eight

[ Daffyd has just discovered that Myfanwy is a lesbian, and is about to go on a date]
Daffyd: Rhiannon, Rhiannon? And how far have you gone with this 'Rhiannon'?
Myfanwy: Just a bit of fanny fun.
Daffyd: Can I have a large brandy please, Miss Fitzwilliams?
Myfanwy: Look, Daffyd, I got to go. Only Rhiannon's minge is going to get cold.

[Vicky has walked out of the class and left the pram with her baby in behind.]
Mr Collier: Your baby?
Vicky: Huh? Oh it's all right, you can keep it. I've got loads more at home anyway.


Vicky Pollard

Vicky Pollard: They don't scare me! Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm just Vicky Pollard from round the corner from the block. V to the P to the Icky to the Ollard.

Bus Conductor: Look, I've warned you before. If you don't have a ticket you're gonna have to get off.

'Vicky Pollard: Oh, my God! That is so unfair! This is like, well, sexual harassment! If you like, fancy me why don't you just say so? God, this is exactly like the time Miss Rennig, who everyone knows is a total lesbian, made Candice Burton stay behind after PE, started telling her off for gobbing on Sunita Geschwani's hair. But everyone knows she only made her stay late because she wanted to get off with her, cuz when she was telling her off her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider.

Vicky Pollard: No, but yeah, but no, because if you don't let me in then Blazin' Squad are well, gonna give you beatings because I've actually already met them already anyway, actually, down at the Radio 1 Roadshow at Weston Super-Mare!

[to friend]
Vicky Pollard: You remember, it was the time I got fingered by Chris Moiles and Hayley Evers reckons she saw Jo Whiley taking a dump in the sea.
[to bouncer]

Vicky Pollard: But, anyway I have met Blazin' Squad and they said I should definitely come backstage and see 'em and do 'em, and anyway I do know them already because I'm their cousin. And if Rowan Gordon says I'm not then don't listen to him because everyone knows he's mental because he once shoved his knob through Miss Mayal's letterbox.

Police Officer: You do know it's an offence to waste police time?

Vicky Pollard: No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah but I know because I'm not wasting police time because you know Micha? Well, she saw the whole thing, right, because she was bunking off school because she was gonna go down the wimbley and get off with Luke Griffiths, only she never because he's been trying to grow a moustache but it just looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Torbet instead, only don't tell Bethany that because she's fancied Luke Torbet ever since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec'.

[Vicky is with her boyfriend, Jermaine. They have arrived to go robbing with Vicky's gang]

Chav 1: Er - take your time, why don't you!?

Chav 2: Alright, Vicky, where've you been?

Vicky: (with a Rastafarian English accent) No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no because something what I don't even know nothing about. So shut up and don't be giving me evils because I'm hanging with my man Jermaine now and we've just been round the back of the waterside, making babies

Chav 3: (the gang look shocked by Vicky's sudden change in accent and behaviour) So, you coming down robbing woolies with us later, or what?

Vicky: (In a Rastafarian English accent) Me don't know, me think about hanging out with me man Jermaine and cooking up some chicken and rice but yeah, but no, but yeah but I'll have to ask Jermaine now because I'm like his bitch now. So Jermaine, what say you?

Jermaine: (in a posh accent) Well, I don't really know, Victoria, I'm just happy to go with the flow.

Lou and Andy

Lou:[looking up into the tree where Andy is sitting] Andy, how did you get up there?

Andy:I fell.

Lou:It's your birthday coming up, and I've booked a table up the Harvester.

Andy:Yeah, I know.

Lou:Is there anyone you want me to invite?

Andy:George Michaels.

Lou:George Michaels? We don't know him.

Andy:Yeah, I know.

Lou:I don't think he'd come. And besides, you don't like George Michaels. You said that "Jesus to a Child" aside, you found his output emotionally vapid.

Andy:Yeah, I know.

Lou:What about your brother, Declan?

Andy:George Michaels!

George Michael:Hello, Andy.

Nice to meet you
Happy birthday.

Andy:I don't like him. I want him to go. I prefer Tony Hadley.

Lou:Sorry about this, George. You'd better go.

Andy:Tell him that "Jesus to a Child" aside, I find his output emotionally vapid.

[at the beach]

Andy: I wanna go swimming.

Lou: I thought you didn't like the sea. I thought you said the sea was a dark and brutal force that has dragged many an innocent to a watery grave...

Andy: Yeah I know.

Andy:[about the yobs who are mocking him] Someone should give them lot a smack.

Lou:I thought you didn't like violence. You said it was the last bastion of moral cowardice.

Andy:Yeah, I know...

Lou:[Andy has just rolled all over his freshly-cemented patio that Lou has just done] Who did this?

Andy:A bird.

Mrs Mead is singing "Onward, Christian Soldiers"
Andy: I don't like it.
Andy: Please stop.
Andy:You're hurting my ears now...

Marjorie Dawes

[Marjorie is orange from her holiday and they are discussing "binge food"]

Paul: Terry's chocolat orange. Comes in a big orange wrapper (Marjorie starts to look bemused) and the chocolate tastes of orange...

Marjorie: yeah, yeah, (writes "chucklet" (chocolate) on the board, while Paul mimes a "sshh" to the other members) right, Chucklet, I did ask for St. Tropez, but they gave me Hawaiian sunset. Anyone else?

Tania: Fizzy drinks...

Paul: What, like Tango? (they start laughing. Marjorie looks more bemused)

Marjorie: (writing on the board) Fizzy drinks. Anymore? Yes, Meera?

Meera: Marmalade (the Fat Fighters laugh)

Marjorie: Sorry, I couldn't understand the word, what did she say?

Tania: (through laughter) She said "marmalade."

Marjorie: (looking more bemused) Did she? (writes on the board) Conserves. Any more, any more serious suggestions?

Pat: A Satsuma.

Marjorie:Yeah, Satsuma's not really a binge food.

Pat:No, but it is orange.

(All the fatfighters laugh)

Marjorie:[to Fat Pat] Have you quite finished? *the group stops laughing* Well I'm shocked really that you all people would pick on someone for the way they look. I mean I may be orange, but You are summin else! *Jamaican voice* You is fat! Oooh man you is fat! You one big fat thing! You fatty fatty fatty!!!

[stops, looks to women in doorframe]

Marjorie:New member? Do take your seat. I won't be one minute, oh yes where was I? Oh, yes, *To Pat, in thick cockney accent* Fat cow! Fat cow! Fat cow!

[Marjorie has just found out that Pat and Paul have started seeing each other.]

Marjorie Dawes:So how does the mechanics of your lovemaking work? Do you have to use a winch or do you use a system of weights and pulleys?

Paul: What kind of question is that?

Marjorie Dawes: In fact, no, I don't wanna know. But I will say this, when you get two fatties together or [writes on board] 'fatlove' they often do pile it on. Do you see what I'm saying? Because there's no incentive, do you see what I'm saying? Because they're both fat.

Paul: Yeah, well I think she's lovely.

Marjorie Dawes: Yeah, that's not helping her. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Pat is morbidly obese. In fact, I've only ever seen one person fatter than Pat and that was Babapapa. In a way, the kindest thing you can do is chuck her and tell her to give you a call when she's lost a few stone.

Pat: Thanks Marjorie...

Marjorie Dawes: That's no problem, Pat. I'm only thinking of you. Because I really care about you, because you are now really, an enormous fat pig.

Marjorie Dawes: And all of this food is for the party, is it?

Paul: Yeah.

Majorie Dawes: And what are these supposed to be?

Pat: Vol-au-vents.

Marjorie Dawes: Vol-au...Come on! We did vol-au-vents last week! Am I wasting my time? They are absolute calorie hot spots! [throws plate of vol-au-vents in the bin]

Pat: Marjorie!

Marjorie Dawes: I'm only thinking of you Pat! You know you've got your wedding day coming up and I want to see you get down to a size 30. What are these?

Paul: Mini chipolatas.

Marjorie Dawes: Why don't you just stick shit through my letterbox, huh? [throws chipolatas in the bin] And what the hell is this supposed to be?

Tania: Oh I made it, it's banoffee pie.

Marjorie Dawes: [mimicking in a deep voice] Oh I made it, it's banoffee pie! You Tania, are playing Russian roulade with these people's lives. If anyone one of these fatties has a single bite of this, they could drop down dead. Shame on you Tania. Boo hiss boo! [puts banoffee pie in her handbag]

Tania: [Weighing herself on the scales] Eighteen stone five...

Marjorie Dawes: Oh no, you've put on again, haven't you? Oh dear it's not easy, is it?

Tania: No.

Marjorie Dawes: You see your problem is, Tania, you're fat AND old. It gets harder, and there's no man is there, you're on your own?

Tania: Yes, my husband left me.

Marjorie Dawes: Yeah, well, he would have done. Yeah, younger woman weren't it?

Tania: Yeah.

Marjorie: Forty-nine, yeah, so you're on your own now, every night crying and eating. Well, at least you've got all of us here at FatFighters to make you feel better. Off you pop! Oh, she stinks an' all...

Marjorie: Well that's all we got time for...

Pat: Oh Marjorie

Marjorie: Yes my sweetness?

Pat: Just before we go me and Paul have some good news, I just found out that I'm pregnant.

Fatfighters group: Oh! Congratulations!

Marjorie: You sure or you just been scoffing?

Paul: Well it's been a couple of months now and we're allowed to tell people. We've got the scanned photo right here.

(Pat and Paul shows the group the scanned photo. They murmer in interest. Marjorie steals the photo)

Marjorie: You're gonna keep it?

Pat: Sorry?!

Marjorie: You're not gonna get rid of it?

Pat: Of course not!

Marjorie: Hmm, a bit selfish of you!

Paul: Oh for god's sake!

Marjorie: I'm only caring for the baby! If you don't stop scoffing, this baby will have go straight through cold chicken!

Pat: Well now I'm gonna have to watch what I eat now that I'm having a baby?

Marjorie: Are you sure you're having the one? You look like as if you're gonna have a whole litter!

Pat: Just having the one!

Marjorie: Looks fat already.

Paul *takes photo back* It's beautiful! It's our little baby!

Tania: Have you decided what you're gonna call it?

Paul: It's a he, and no. We haven't decided on a name.

Marjorie: Oh I know, let's have a bit of fun! Let's think of names for the baby! Meera!

Meera: John!

Marjorie: What's that my love?

Meera: John!

Marjorie: What's that my love?

Meera: John!

(Marjorie continues to mutter, making it sound like "What's that my love?". Meera keeps saying "John" until Paul, in frustration says it for her)

Marjorie: John! That's a nice name! *writes "John" on the board*, Tania.

Tania: Micheal!

Pat: Oh that's a nice one.

Tania: It's my husband's name.

Marjorie: Oh yeah, the one who left you because you got so fat!

(Tania looks sad)

Marjorie: Well looking at you, I don't think a Micheal or a John will do, Oh I know! *Writes's "Jabba" on the board") Jabba!

(Pat and Paul look at eachover)

Marjorie: You see, your problem is Pat, you're a classic yo-yo dieter. You go up and down, you see, You've got your good foods here, you got your lettuce, your ryvita, your dust, and then over here, you got your bad food, your chocolate, your crisps, your cake - *jamaican voice* OH MAN SHE FAT BECAUSE SHE LOOVE DE CAKE - *normal voice* and here's you stuck in the middle, yo-yoing between the two! (Marjorie has drawn a pig on the board).

Pat: Marjorie! You've drawn me as a pig!

Marjorie: (Glances at diagram) Oh, sorry. (draws some hair on the pig)

Pat: (Groans) You know what... I don't need this anymore. I'm not losing weight, everytime I come you're horrible to me! (gets up) I've had enough! (walks away)

Marjorie: What? Don't go!

Pat: Well apologise! Say Sorry then!

Marjorie: Say, what?

Meera: Say sorry.

Marjorie: What?

Meera: Say Sorry.

Marjorie: No, I can't - do it again.

Meera: Say Sorry.

Marjorie: Do it again?

Meera: Say sorry

Marjorie: Do it again?

Meera: Say Sorry.

Marjorie: Do it again?

Paul: (loudly) JUST SAY SORRY TO HER!!!!

Marjorie: Oh you want me to say SORRY, well why didn't you say that?

Meera: I did.

Marjorie: Do it again...

Meera: I did.

Marjorie: Do it again

Meera: I did

Marjorie: Do it again

Meera: I did.

Marjorie: Do it again?

Pat: (glowering at Marjorie) I'm waiting for an apology.

Marjorie: (to Pat) I'll come back to you, my love.

Pat: I don't see why you can't just say sorry.

Paul: Yeah, come on.

Marjorie: I can! I can say sorry!

Pat: Well go on then.

Marjorie: I'm gonna say it any minute now.

Paul: Well... say it!

Marjorie: I'm About to!

Pat: Go on!

Marjorie: (hesitates) suy.

Pat: I didn't hear that!

Marjorie: Well, I said it, so...

Paul: Yeah, well, we didn't hear it either (they all get up), come on, lets go...

Marjorie: (hastily) Oh no, I'm gonna say it, I'm gonna say it (repeats a few times. They quieten down. Marjorie takes Pat by the arms). Pat, I... am very... sorry.... THAT YOU'RE SO FAT! Oh no! It just came out!

Paul: I'm not putting up with this! Come on, let's go!

Pat: You're so rude!

[The fatfighters walk out to the door]

Meera: Don't worry! We are not coming back!

Marjorie: Do it again...

Meera: Oh, Shut up!

[All the fatfighters leave the room, leaving it completly empty with only Marjorie left behind]

Marjorie: I need some neeeew members!


Mrs Teal: Oh, are you standing in the by election, Daffyd?

Daffyd: It's not just a bi election, it's for gays and straights too!

Daffyd: Ma. Da. There's something I need to tell you both. I am...
[deep breath]

Father: Asthmatic?

Daffyd: No! I am.... a gay! Oh!

Mother: Very nice.

Father: Yeah, good for you, lad. Oh, it says here that the bucket had a chrome handle.

Daffyd: So you don't mind?

Father: No.

Daffyd: So you're not going disown me and cast me asunder?

Mother: Eh? Oh, no. To be honest darling, we did have an inkling.
[washes Daffyd's gay clothes]

Father: So do you have a boyfriend then?

Daffyd: No.

Mother: Have you not had any arse action at all?

Daffyd: No, but I have been thinking about it which may shock you!

Mother: Well I must set you up with someone then.

Daffyd: That might be difficult as I am the only gay in the village.

Father: What about that young boy from the village, the blacksmith, he takes it up the chuff.

Daffyd: No thank you!

Mother: I know who's mad for cock! That boy from the corner shop, what's his name, Gay Aled!

Daffyd: Gay Aled is not gay!

Father: Your Uncle Glyn's had him. Apparently he's very into water sports!

Daffyd: Anyway, I was hoping we could invite the family over on Sunday and tell them, it's time they knew.

Mother: I don't think this Sunday's gonna be very good, your uncle's in San Fransico.

Daffyd: What about Aunty Sinead?

Mother: Oh no, she just stays in on a Sunday and eats minge.


Carol Beer's customer: I'd like a round-the-world cruise, please. Leaving in March,, September, travelling First Class, for about...£700?

Carol: (a smug look appears on her face, types into her computer and is flabbergasted and crestfallen) Computer says Yes!? (customer grins and coughs in her face, to which she grimaces in disgust).

[At a bowling alley]

Dr Lawrence: [to Dr Beagrie] Of an evening, when it's still light, we encourage Anne to leave the hospital and work here. Watch this.

Anne: [On the phone] No, it's very very quiet today. [noticing the doctors] Oh, call you back later.

Dr Lawrence: Hello Anne.

Anne:: Eh eh ehhhhh!

Mr Mann: Hello.

Roy: Hello, erm sorry I was just about to take my lunch hour. Erm er... [Calls upstairs] Margaret! Margaret!

[long pause]

Margaret: Yes?

Roy: I was just about to take my lunch hour. Can you come down and serve the gentleman?

Margaret: I don't have any arms or legs.

Roy: Sorry Margaret, I forgot. [to Mr Mann] So ah, how can I help...

Mr Mann: Hello yes I would like to purchase a birthday card please.

Roy: Right well these are all of our birthday cards.

Mr Mann: For a man.

Roy: Right, well these are the men's cards.

Mr Mann: Who is 60...

[Roy holds up 60th birthday card]

Mr Mann: ...5

[Roy holds up a 65th birthday card with a dog on it]

Mr Mann: He hates dogs

[Roy holds up a 65th birthday card with a cat on it]

Mr Mann: And cats

[Roy holds up a 65th birthday card with a frog on it]

Mr Mann: And cartoon frogs

Roy: Does he hate ALL animals?

Mr Mann: No, he likes single-cell organisms like amoebas.

Roy: Well I can't see any amoeba based cards here. One moment. [calls upstairs] Margaret! Margaret! Do we have any cards with single-cell organisms on them?

Mr Mann: Like amoebas.

Roy: [calling upstairs]Like amoebas!

Margaret: I don't think so, no.

Roy: [to Mr Mann] She says she doesn't think so, no.

Mr Mann: Oh.

Roy: [calling upstairs] Oh. [to Mr Mann] Well I don't know what to suggest!

Mr Mann: Oh he loves the C...

[Roy holds up a card with the sea on it]

Mr Mann: ...word.

Roy: Well I can assure you we don't have any cards with that in it.

Mr Mann: Don't worry I can write that in myself. Do you have any cards that just say 'Happy 65th Birthday...

[Roy finds a card and holds it up]

Mr Mann: ...Michael Phillipedes'?

Roy: Well, no.

Mr Mann: 'Mike Phillipedes'?

[Emily and Florence arrive at the tennis courts for mixed doubles.]

Tennis player: Ah, we were expecting two ladies.

Florence: [turns to leave] Oh, sorry.

Emily: Yes, we are two ladies! [whispers to Florence] Florence, do as I do and watch how they don't suspect a thing. [Calling out] Ready, gentlemen!

Tennis player: Well, have you got any balls?

Emily: Oh no, we are ladies.

Tennis player: Tennis balls...

Emily: Oh sorry, silly me, I thought you meant bollocks.

Roy: Are there any magazines here that interest you?

Mr. Mann: Hello magazine.

Roy: Ah! Now we're talking. [picks up a copy of 'Hello' from the magazine stand and hands it to Mr. Mann]

Mr. Mann: No, I was just saying hello to that magazine over there.

Roy: [long stare] I hate you so much.

Mr. Mann: I know. [grins]

Mr Hutton: Mrs DeVere! Sorry, Mrs DeVere

Bubbles DeVere: Call me Bubbles, everybody does!

Mr Hutton: Can I have a word?

Bubbles DeVere: Do you mind if we walk and talk, darling? I have an algae wrap at three.

Mr Hutton: Yeah it's really about this payment situation. You have been with us for five months now and we still haven't received anything.

Bubbles DeVere: That's terrible, terrible darling! It's outrageous! Has my husband still not sent the cheque?

Mr Hutton: No I'm afraid not, we can't seem to track him down.

Bubbles DeVere: Have you tried him on the Monte Carlo number, darling?

Mr Hutton: No, I don't have it.

Bubbles DeVere: Have you got a pen, darling?

Mr Hutton: Yeah. [pulls out pen and paper]

Bubbles DeVere: The number is 12...345..67..89. OK, darling? [begins to run away]

[both walk into room where a lady is getting a facial]

Bubbles DeVere: Hello Gita! My turn now darling! [pushes lady off bed]

Gita: No Miss Bubble, you next door!

Bubbles DeVere: Sorry darling! See you at dinner! [Points to Gita] Never, never, never let this girl go. Naughty! What she does with grape nuts is pure poetry.

[Bubbles runs into another room and Mr Hutton follows]

Mr Hutton: We need to resolve this now.

Bubbles DeVere: Very well Mr Hutton. Then we shall resolve it.

[Bubbles pushes Mr Hutton onto a bed, closes and locks the door]

Bubbles DeVere: Are you...a married man, Mr Hutton?

Mr Hutton: [looking uneasy] Yes I am.

Bubbles DeVere: And yet you allow yourself to be alone in a room with a rather beautiful woman. That's very dangereuse don't you think?

Mr Hutton: I just really need the cheque.

Bubbles DeVere: Very clever darling.

[Bubbles turns on some romantic music, removes her dress and stands naked in front of Mr Hutton.]

Bubbles DeVere: I'm sure we can come to some sort of...arrangment Mr Hutton.

[Mr Hutton looks disturbed as Bubbles tries to seduce him and puts his head between her breasts.]

Kenny's girlfriend: You did enjoy last night, didn't you?

Kenny: Yes I did, I thought the love-making was absolutely top notch.

Kenny's girlfriend: It's funny, I can't remember that part... I can't find any underwear, it keeps on going missing. You haven't seen any of it have you?

Kenny: Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes, *snap* you're under. I have not been taking your underwear home, putting it on in my bedroom and then parading up and down in front of the mirror going [running his hands over his body] 'Oh, oh, oh, oh'. Three, two, one... *snap* You're back in the room.

TV Repairman: You said you had another TV for me to have a look at?

Ray McCooney: [Opens curtains in large window]]: Yeeesss, By day t'is bright, but by night, t'is as black as a black man's cape.

TV Repairman: You do know that is a window?

Ray: Yeeesss.

Roy: Hello, I didn't know you liked books.

Mr Mann: Hello, yes I like books very much.

Roy: Are you looking for anything in particular?

Mr Mann: Not really. I was just wondering if you have any books on Medieval English Music between the dates 1356 and 1390?

Roy: Erm I can't see anything here. Eh Margaret knows all the books. One moment. [calls upstairs] Margaret! Margaret!

[long pause]

Margaret: Yes?

Roy: There's a gentleman here, wants to know have we got any books on Medieval English Music dating between 1356 and 1390?

Margaret: Paperback or hardback?

Roy: [To Mr Mann] Paperback or hardback?

Mr Mann: Oh you know me, I'm easy.

Roy: [calling upstairs] He says he is easy!

Margaret: There should be one, over by the Mike Gatting autobiography.

Roy: [finds book] Oh yes, here we are. 'A History of Medieval English Music 1356 - 1390.'

[Roy hands over book but Mr Mann drops it]

Mr Mann: Sorry I didn't grip in time.

[Roy hands over book again]

Mr Mann: Sorry I gripped too soon that time. You may have to hold it.

Roy:[holding up book] Well, what do you reckon?

Mr Mann: How many pages does it have?

Roy: 312.

Mr Mann: Oh, I was hoping for something more along the 306 mark. Do you think the author might be interested in rewriting his work to cut it down? Maybe if you cut out all the o's you might lose 6 pages there?

Roy: I don't think so, no.

Mr Mann: Maybe I'm being too specific.

Roy: You are being a little specific, yes.

Mr Mann: Ok. Have you got any books?

Roy: Have...have I got any books?

Mr Mann: Yes.

Roy: Well yes, we've got hundreds of them!

Mr Mann: I'll take them please.

Roy: Oh! Right!

[begins stacking books into crate]

Roy: You must really like reading!

Mr Mann: Oh no, unfortunately I'm blind.
[Roy waves hand in front of Mr Mann's face]

Mr Mann: [Mr Mann waves hand in front of Roy's face]

Mr. Mann: (about his painting of a displeased owl) I can't help but think this owl looks more disillusioned than displeased...
Roy: Get out or I will strangle you!

Matthew Waterhouse:[comes into boarding room with trolley full of cereal boxes] I've got a few ideas for you! Nutty Nut Nuts! Real nuts coated in... wait for it...
[pours out box]

Matthew Waterhouse:*Nuts*. How's that for starters?

Jeremy Rent:[to Dennis Waterman about his role in a stage production of Macbeth] No, it's straight theatre. No music. So what do you think?

Dennis Waterman: [singing] Mr. Macbeth is a naughty ma-an, do do do do / He gone and killed anudder ma-an, do do do do / I hath a good idea / Just thou keep me near / I'll be so go-od for the Scottish play...

Jeremy Rent: I'll tell 'em you're busy...

Ray McCooney:[tax people have come for money] What if were to offer ye... six magic beans?

Tax Woman:[rolls eyes] Probably wouldn't be interested

Ray: (fishes into bean pot) *Seven* magic beans?

Tax Woman: Nope...

Ray: How about...(takes out a radio) a talking noisy box? Inside, there are tiny sprites that are talking to ye. But they cannot hear ye, mind, unless they're doing a phone in.

Tax Woman: No.

Ray: (picks up his flute) You want the piccolillo, don't you!? (blows on it) You'll never take it, never! Oh, (holds flute out) have it, have it, be gone!

Tax Man: Tell you what, Mr. McCooney. Why don't you pick up your quill, (Ray picks up his quill and says "Yeeees!") and your "magic money paper," (Ray picks up his cheque book and says "Oh Yeeees!") put your mark upon it (winks at tax woman. Ray complies and says "Yeeees!") and we'll do the rest.

Ray: (taking signed cheque out of cheque book and handing it over) Yes yes yes yes yeeees!

Tax Man: Good day. (he and the Tax Woman leave)

Ray: a-fare thee well, keepers of the purse! (blows on his flute for a while, then stops suddenly, realising what he's just done) Shit!

Sebastian:Prime Minister, look out!
[pushes Prime Minister onto couch]

Prime Minster:What is it?

Sebastian:I thought there was a sniper by the window but there isn't.

Prime Minster:Oh... can you get off me now?

Sebastian:Give it a minute.

[After Prime Minister wins the election] Gregory:Prime Minister, I'd just like to say -

Sebastian:[dancing with Prime Minister; mouths] Fuck off!

[repeated lines]

Roy:Margaret! Margaret!
[long pause]


Margaret:Roy! Roy!
[long pause]




  • Carol Beer: Computer says no. *cough*
  • Andy:Yeah, I know.
  • Andy:I don't like it!
  • Andy:I want that one!
  • Lou: What a kerfuffle!
  • Anne:Eh-eh-ehhhhhh!
  • Emily Howard: I am a lay-dee!
  • Viv Seaton: OH he was GAWJUS!
  • Daffyd Thomas:I'm the only gay in the village!
  • Ray McCooney: Yeeeeees.
  • Vicky Pollard: Yeah but no but yeah but no but...
  • Marjorie Dawes: Scr-ew you!



  • When people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop. If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet shop shop. If they want to buy a pet shop shop, well, they're just being silly.
  • Have you ever done it gaywise? I have, its a hoot.
  • Those are buses, but anyway.
  • With nothing to watch but repeats on the telly of Doctor Who, Medics and that episode of Blackadder II I'm in, Lou and Andy go to rent a video.
  • This is the home of romance novelist, Dame Sally. I've always wanted to write a book, but unfortunately I don't have a pen.
  • Of course, not the real Prime Minister, it's that guy from Buffy...
  • These fat bastards have taken themselves away from eating for an hour to talk about food. The greedy fuckers!
  • Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules - no bombing, no petting, no ducking and no fondue parties.
  • If you have a verruca and would like to share it, head down to your local swimming pool.
  • British justice is the best in the world. Anyone who disagrees is either a gay, a woman or a mental.
  • Until a law is passed to imprison fat people, they are free to roam our streets and attend slimmers' clubs like this one...
  • Once a year schools in Britain hold sports days in order to make certain children feel inferior.
  • I Love Elections - in fact, I'm having one right now...
  • When I go abroad, I find a house I like, forcibly eject the occupants, and stay there for 2 weeks. Other people prefer to stay in hotels, like this one here in Portugal.
  • In the charming Welsh village of Llanddewi Breffi, the glasses are being collected early because it's a special night.
  • It's 20 to Toby, and we're in Wales, which is apparently part of Britain.
  • Community centres in Britain are ideal places for all sorts of groups to meet. It's half past Toula, and Marjorie Dawes is taking her weekly Fat Fighters class.

Britain, Britain, Britain!...

  • Britain, Britain, Britain!... Land of technological achievement! We've had running water for over ten years, an underground tunnel that links us to Peru and we invented the cat!
  • Britain, Britain, Britain! Here are some facts about Britain that you might not know: Number One: Britain is a country. Number Two: Britain is called Britain. Number Five: Britain!
  • I must go now as I promised my homies we'd chill for a bit, drink some pimp juice and god willing get us some sweet booty.
  • Britain, Britain, Britain. I love Britain so much that everyday I sacrifice a child in honour of it. So thank the Lord, who incidentally is British, for the great things he has brought to this land.
  • Britain, Britain, Britain. Why would you ever want to leave? Anybody who goes on holiday abroad is a traitor! I bloody love it here! Bloody love it! We produce the best films, the finest cuisines and our dogs are relatively rabies free. And this is all thanks to the peoples of Britain. Let us look at them in this program in which we now look at them now. Boom, boom, shake the room!
  • Brighton, Brighton...Britain, Britain, Britain.

Vicky Pollard

  • No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah but...
  • Oh my god, I so can't believe you just said that!
  • Anyway don't listen to her coz everyone knows her fanny goes sideways.
  • She's got her own council flat and three kids and she's only nine.
  • Who the Hollyoaks Omnibus is that?
  • Shut up, you two-faced virgin!
  • What did you do that for, you total virgin!
  • Don't go giving me evils!

Marjorie Dawes

  • [the Fat Fighters are discussing foods]

    Dust. Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. It's actually very low in fat. You can have as much dust as you like.

  • [after being told she's too fat to run fat-fighters]

    Well you can take your fat fighters and shove them up your fat arse! That's right, screeeeeeeeeew you!

  • Now crisps are high in fat, but they're also low in protein and low in fibre! See, it's not all bad!
  • Oooooh, I love a bit of cake. Oooooh, cake. Oooooh, cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. I'm just one of these people. I come home and I need a piece of cake.
  • You see, Pat, you're a classic yo-yo dieter. You've got all your good foods, like your Ryvita, skim milk and your dust, and then there's your bad food, like your chocolate and your cake - OH MAN SHE FAT BECAUSE SHE LOOVE THE CAKE - and there's you in the middle, yo-yoing between the two! (Marjorie has drawn a pig on the board)
  • Pat: You've drawn me as a pig, Marjorie.
  • Marjorie: Oh, sorry. (draws some hair on the pig)

Mrs. Williams

  • Do these butt-plugs come with batteries?
  • ["about Daffyd] I've said it before Vicar, and I'll say it again - what that boy needs is a nice big cock up his arse!


  • Ting Tong: Hello, Mr. Dudwey.
  • Myfanwy: Daffyd, you bloody fool!
Daffyd: What?
Myfanwy:Well, think of all the cock and bum fun you could have had. That's the last time I close my pub for one of your gay nights.
  • Denver Mills: I'd like to welcome you all to the Annual Police Dinner. My name is Denver Mills and I am a former Olympic Silver Medallist. When I think about it, being an Olympic runner, is a lot like being a police officer-we both spend most of our running chasing after black guys, but the difference is I actually beat some of mine, not just BEAT them like you do.

    [Silence. Denver exits the stage with a bottle of alcohol]

  • Dennis Waterman: So they want me to star in it, write the feem toon, sing the feem toon..
  • Ray McCooney:I am hard yet soft, I am coloured yet clear, I am fruity and sweet, I am jelly. What am I?
  • Emily Howard:But I am a lady, I don't have testiclé.
  • [repeated line]

    Bubbles:Call me Bubbles, darling, everybody does!

  • Andy: I look a pillock.
  • Lou: What a kerfuffle!

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