Little Mosque on the Prairie

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Little Mosque on the Prairie is a Canadian sitcom centering around the Muslim community of a small Alberta town. It is scheduled to begin its third season in Fall 2008.

Season 1

Little Mosque

Baber: The enemy is in your kitchen.
Rayyan: And maybe while the enemy's in there he could do the dishes.

Amaar: [on phone] Mom, stop it with the guilt. No, don't put dad on! I've been planning this for months it's not like I dropped a bomb on 'im. Oh dad think it's suicide? So be it; this is Allah's plan for me.
Woman: Oh my …
Amaar: I'm not throwing my life away, I'm moving to the Prairies!

Amaar: Muslims around the world are known for their sense of humor.
Security officer: I didn't know that.
Amaar: It was another joke.

Security officer: Alright. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt. If this checks out, you are one … tiny … step closer to getting out of here.
[Answering machine]: Hello you've reached Yasser's construction contracting, at their new location. We'll blow away the competition!

Mayor Popowicz: Sarah, you're supposed to spin the news, not be the news!

Mayor Popowicz: I can work with the truth.
Sarah and Popowicz: But only as a last resort.

Yasser: Yes, this is a good one: "Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your parish hall. Would you like to tell Jesus or should I?"

Journalist: What is your connection to Al-Qaida?
Rayyan: And what is your connection to journalism?

Yasser: How am I supposed to prepare for Ramadan when the whole town's in an uproar. What were you people thinking?
Fatima: This is that convert Sarah's fault. Tell me: aren't goats more traditional than cucumbers?
Yasser: You've lost me.

Amaar: Can't a Muslim book a one-way flight these days without someone having to call their supervisor?

Rayyan: I thought you'd drag us into the modern world. Or at least the 11th century.
Amaar: Yes, so did I. That's why I gave up being a lawyer
Rayyan: Oh. And there I thought you just sucked at that too.

Baber: The Saudis couldn't find the moon unless there's oil spurting out of it.

Amaar: You can't just sue people for no reason. Well, all right, you can but I'm not doing that anymore!

Reverend Magee: It may have been God who said "Let there be light!" but it's me who pays the electric bill.

The Barrier

Rayyan: Three seconds of male enlightenment. That's a new record.

Fred Tuper: Would it kill you Muslim girls to show a bit more... uh.. cleavage? Now and then.
Fatima: Would it kill you if I hit you with a cleaver?

Fred Tuper: So I was right. Islam is a sexist religion, isn't it?
Rayyan: Only when it's run by men.

Layla: Trust me, Brandy. It's like war. You start off with shock and awe, and then work your way toward reasonable compromise.

Baber: You look like a Protestant!
Layla: Don't you mean "prostitute"?
Baber: No. I mean "Protestant".

Rayyan: Okay. I have to get to the clinic. But once I'm gone, just imagine that after everything mom says, I am saying "That's right!".

Sarah: Fred Tuper standing up for oppressed women?
Mayor Popowicz: I think he's standing up for oppressed boobs.

Fatima: I don't want a bunch of men leering at me while I pray.
Baber: And I don't want you women distracted by my bottom.
Sarah: Trust me Baber, no one is looking at your bottom.

[There's a manifestation]
Sarah: I put fires out for a living. Watch this.
...
Amaar: What did you say to them?
Sarah: [lying] That you were going to take down the barrier.
Amaar: That's not damage control! That's lying!
Sarah: Don't make me a liar

Baber: Western school system! Filling their head with... thinking!

Reverend Magee: John 8:7: "He among you who has never sinned, cast the first stone" or in this case "he among you who has not got stoned, cast the first sin".
Amaar: So you didn't fire him.
Reverend Magee: Not until I ate a couple of his hash brownies at the choir picnic.

Rayyan: [sitting on the barrier to keep Baber from setting it back up] You're not supposed to touch me.
Baber: Please, forgive me, sister Rayyan. I totally forgot myself.
Rayyan: Of course.
Baber: It'll never happen again
Rayyan: Good
Baber: Gimme that piece of wood so I can push her off!

Amaar: The perfect Muslim solution... Nobody's happy.

The Open House

Mayor Popowicz: Ah! It's not gonna be one of those multi-culty snoozefests with lying speeches and bad skits, is it? No offense.
Amaar: I'll cancel the camel ride.
Mayor Popowicz: [perking up] Camel ride?

Yasser: "Only use the best", that's my motto!
Client: I thought your motto was "we build cheap"?

Fatima: People are afraid of things they don't understand.
Rayyan: That's true. That's why I'm afraid of Baber.

Amaar: You don't even know what you're doing! What sort of contractor are you?
Yasser: I am an excellent contractor. And as an excellent contractor I can tell you: I'm the last man I would hire to fix this wiring.

Fatima: [about Islam in Africa] Yes. From an African perspective. You usually only hear the missionary position.

Amaar: Baber, please don't talk about thinks you don't understand.
Rayyan: Then he'd never say anything.

Rayyan: But what do you know about being a Muslim woman?
Fatima: Or a Black Muslim woman?
Baber: Or a Muslim man?
[The three others stare at him]
Baber: He doesn't even have a beard!
...
Baber: If I don't get to talk, I'm out! I knew this was a bad idea.
Fatima: I'm with Baber! We're... What's the word?
Baber: Boycotting!
Fatima: I was gonna say "pissed off", but... Yes! We're boycotting!

Rayyan: Amaar... Stop the groveling. It's... really unattractive yet... strangely satisfying.

Baber: It's "minbar", not "mini-bar".

Rayyan: Muslims do date.
Sarah: [butts in] You call that dating? It's more like a job interview.
Rayyan: Mom, no. It's more like window shopping. See, you don't need to taste the cake to know that it's gonna be delicious.
Sarah: [interupts again] Of course you do! The cake could look good and still be crummy. Or it may be a fruitcake and you know how we all feel about fruitcake...
Rayyan: Mom! Step away from the metaphor.

Fred Tuper: I hate to say "I told you so, people of Mercy!"... But I told you so, people of Mercy!

Swimming Upstream

Fred: [leaving] Radio show is on in 15...
Fatima: Oh, thanks for reminding me. [turns off the radio]
Fred: Nice try Fatima, but you can't silence the voice of the people that easily.
Fatima: I disagree. Shut. Up. See?

Rayyan: Looks like a nasty sprain.
Fatima: You don't have to dumb it down for me. I came for your medical opinion.
Rayyan: You vitiated your anterior cruciate ligament.
Fatima: Oh no... What does that mean?
Rayyan: Looks like a nasty sprain.

Fatima: Who's going to cook for my customers? You?
Rayyan: Not unless you've got really good insurance

Sarah: A small explosion at the mosque, what's the big deal? [pause] Okay when you say it out loud...

Rayyan: A hundred and fifty signatures. Do they all have to be different?

Amaar: You did see the "Do not disturb" sign on the door?
Baber: Oh yes. I will make sure nobody disturbs you.

Sarah: I guess you must be pretty upset about this. [the petition to hire a female safewatcher]
Gay safewatcher: Upset? Cheer's retirement? Upset me. This? I could care less.
Sarah: But... They're taking your woman's aquafit class from you.
Gay safewatcher: Oh boo hoo. I'm really gonna miss waking up at 5am and listening to women whine about their hot flashes. No offense.

Fred: I know, I know, you think I'm a male chauvinist pig who just wanna sit around to ogle some Baywatch babe on the chair.. You know what? You can't stop me; I'm signing.

Rayyan: But we're so close...
Mayor Popowicz: Close only counts on horseshoes. Do Muslim play horseshoes? I find these little cultural differences so interesting.
Rayyan: Can we focus please?

Fatima: It's only Halloween. It's not like they're out drinking and dirty dancing!
Fatima's son: We're not?
Fatima: Watch your smart mouth or you go nowhere!
Baber: What if he leaves Islam to become a witch?
Fatima's son: You can do that?

Baber: My daughter does not [want to go]! She's a good Muslim!
Layla: No I'm not! I swear!

Reverend Magee: We all have our cross to bear... or the Muslim equivalent.

Kid: [to Baber] Sweet Osama costume. The beard looks totally real, dude.

Sarah: Honey, I didn't sabotage the petition. I mean, I didn't mean to sabotage the petition... I mean... [to Yasser] Okay, did I sabotage the petition?
Rayyan: You know you did. You undermined me so that you could go on a trip. That's evil.
Sarah: Oh my God... That's exactly what I did... But it was sleazy, not evil!

Sarah: I was selfish and horrible.
Rayyan: Yes, you were, but so was I.
Sarah: Ah!
Rayyan: Although much less so
Yasser: You two are exactly alike.
Rayyan and Sarah: [simultaneously] No we're not!

The Convert

Amaar: What was your favorite part [of the sermon]?
Yasser: The end.

Baber: Isn't that wonderful? A convert!
Sarah: Hello! I'm right here! I'm a convert too!
Baber: Yes but he's serious!

Sarah: I can so be a good Muslim! If I'd know I'd even bet you.
Rayyan: Muslim don't gamble, mom.
...
Rayyan: I'll pick you a copy of Islam for Dummies on my way home.

Baber: More please. I love turkey bacon.
Fatima: Shhh. The regulars think it's pork.
Baber: Oh. May I please have another serving of the cloven-foot swine?

Baber: The boy is Fatima's; the female is mine.
Layla: The female?
Marlon: So, you two are... divorced?
Fatima: Oh no no. My husband passed on. Baber's wife passed on Baber.

Baber: [Loudly] How Joyful! At this rate we'll convert every white people in town to Islam!
Amaar: Indoor voice, Baber.

Sarah: I'm sorry Anne. I was just praying.
Mayor Popowicz: Wow. You and Yasser must have been extra naughty this weekend.
Sarah: No it's not that. Although there was this one thing were he was a TV repairmen and I was dressed as a... I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

Amaar: Any bit of advice on dampening religious enthusiasm?
Reverend Magee: Join the clergy.

Fatima: It's from the kosher butcher.
Marlon: You should stop patronizing Jewish businesses.
Fatima: And you should stop patronizing me.

Yasser: Amaar, do you have a minute? I need your help.
Amaar: I'm not holding down another nail for you. My thumb is still throbbing.
Yasser: There must be some rule in the Qur'an against praying too much.
Amaar: Let me guess this straight: you're asking a spiritual leader to help someone stop praying?

Sarah: I can't remember if I prayed three or four times today.

Marlon: Perhaps Allah is punishing you with this devil child.
Baber: Perhaps Allah is punishing me with your company.

Amaar: I'm not the Pope, though I'd love a big hat like that.

Baber: Yasser, I have got it! What if we move the Mosque and simply don't tell him?
Yasser: Put it on wheels, move it around town?

Amaar: Religion would be so much easier without the followers.

Reverend Magee: I've seen it before. Spiritual shopping. I blame the Beatles.

The Archdeacon Cometh

Reverend Magee: Christianity hasn't lasted two thousand years by being charitable.

Reverend Magee: Oh, that's a great idea. I'll have the imam of the Mosque the archdeacon knows nothing about talk to him.

Amaar: You can't pretend to be Christian.
Reverend Magee: Actually you can. Half my congregation does.

Reverend Magee: My parishioners have had their baptisms and marriages in this church; they would die if they couldn't have their funerals here too.

Fred: I wouldn't waste a braincell trying to find out.
Fatima: Yes. I'd imagine you are in short supply.

Sarah: I don't remember much about growing up Anglican but I must've been there.

Sarah: Don't we have a New Testament hanging around somewhere around here?
Yasser: New Testament?
Sarah: Yeah or an Old Testament?
Yasser: If we had a new testament surely I would have thrown the old one.

Fatima: It will help your back, and your colon.
Fred: What's wrong with my colon?
Fatima: You're full of crap.
...
Fred: You sure it's safe?
Fatima: I gave away plenty of my medicine in Nigeria: nobody died. Of course, I haven't been back in many years...

Yasser: My seat smells. Is that why they call it a "pew"?

Reverend Magee: [Explaining how the Muslims can't pass off as Anglicans] And the way they all stood up, with such vigor! No, no, no, no, no! [He demonstrates] The older... congregants jump right up, as though we just opened up the buffet. And then, some of them lag behind because they're stone-deaf. And then there's always the ones who just draaaaag themselves up like teenagers who've been asked to do the dishes. Now, let's try it again, let's get this perfectly wrong...

Yasser: Your holiness! How's the Vatican?
Archdeacon: What are you talking about? What sort of Anglican are you?
Yasser: Lapsed. Since birth.

[Fred is covered in warts]
Fatima: What is wrong with you?
Fred: Well, I've managed to narrow it down to a couple of possibilities: African killer bees, or a killer African!
Fatima: You're not using enough.
Fred: Why? Because I'm still alive?

Yasser: When is Easter?
Sarah: April.
Yasser: That's when Baby Jesus sees his own shadow, right?

Archdeacon: What are you playing at?
Reverend Magee: Interfaith experiment?
Amaar: Muslim-Christian exchange program?
Reverend MaGee: Church swa-
Archdeacon: Enough.

[Fatima just pulled Fred's back into place]
Fred: Fatima sweetheart? That lotion crap you gave me for my back was only to soften me up so you could fix me, right?
Fatima: No. I wanted to see you suffer a little bit longer.

Mother in Law

Mother Hamoudi: Oh, thank you for asking... [deadpan] Don't ask.

Yasser: [joking] I'd marry Samira... But I'm afraid Sarah would give me a divorce!
Mother Hamoudi: Yasser! Don't be cruel. You don't have to divorce Sarah. Samira will me your second wife.

Johnny: We've [A gay couple] even written our vows in rhyming couplets. What do you think? "I promise to honour but not obey, except on leather fetish day."

Joe: Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Reverend Magee: Sanctity? You've been divorced three times!

Fatima: Another muffin?
Reverend Magee: I'd never forgive myself... but Jesus will. Bring it on.

Mother Hamoudi: Samira would cook for you. Her couscous is heavenly, tastes like angel droppings.
Yasser: Mmmm... my favourite type of droppings.

Yasser: I can't marry Samira.
Mother Hamoudi: What? You already have three wives I don't know about?

Rayyan: [ausculting Mother Hamoudi] You're fine! We could fox-trot to the beat of your heart! [pause] I have been watching way too much Dancing with the Stars lately.

Baber: Don't make us give you your notice.
Amaar: Baber, you're forgetting: we're the tenants, he's the landlord.

Yasser: I told her [he would not marry Samira]... And then she had a mild heart attack.
Sarah: Then told her again and finish the job!

Mother Hamoudi: Some people just can't take no for an answer.

Mayor Popowicz: How long are you going to sleep in my office?
Sarah: Until Yasser stand up to his mother.
Mayor Popowicz: Good thing I'm running for a third term.

Baber: Upstairs from Adult Triple X Video. Perhaps you could tell me something. I've always wondered, do the X's stand for hugs or kisses?

Joe: I heard you were planning a demonstration on Sunday.
Baber: Yes. Against the abomination.
Joe: Oh. I thought it was
Baber: Yes, against gay marriage. I just... like to say "abomination"!

Mother Hamoudi: [sniffing at Yasser's fake prenuptial contract] It smells...
Yasser: I had it in my sock drawer.
Mother Hamoudi: like Earl Grey...

Yasser: Are you sorry you doubted me?
Sarah: No, sometimes I'm sorry I married you.

Playing with Fire

Jeff: [a firefighter] You save lives too.
Rayyan: True. But you make house calls.

Baber: You should not be looking at the opposite sex.
Layla: It's kinda hard not to when you're living on planet Earth.
Baber: Nobody said being a Muslim was easy.

Baber: As Allah is my witness, I have no imagination! None!

Yasser: What kind of normal person has any interest in Islam?
Rayyan: You mean besides us Muslims, dad?

Layla: Dad, we have to study biology.
Baber: Not until you're married!

Amaar: So you're saying … They were actually … Holding hands?
Baber: I wasn't saying it. I was yelling it!

Baber: Layla must be protected from the influence of this... Pop tart!

Rayyan: That's because there's nothing wrong with you!
Jeff: I know. I just wanted to see you again.
Rayyan: Okay, there is something wrong with you.

Layla: I hate you! I hate you, I hate you!
Baber: You see? You're speaking to me again!

Rayyan: You are just like every other Muslim man I've ever met.
Amaar: Then why don't you find a nice, non-Muslim man to date? Oh wait! You already have!

Layla: My father is sending me to an islamic school to become an islamobot!

Mayor Popowicz: What exactly do Muslims allow?
Sarah: Praying.

Fatima: You're an impossible man!
Baber: I am entirely possible!

Amaar: A man is not allowed to touch a Muslim women unless he is her brother, her father or her husband.
Jeff: Not even if she needs mouth-to-mouth?
Amaar: You keep your mouth away from her.
Jeff: She'd be unconscious.
Amaar: You'd kiss an unconscious women?!

Jeff: I don't mean to be culturally insensitive here but … What the hell?

Sarah: Don't ruin this for Rayyan.
Yasser: I'm her father. It's my job to ruin it for her.

Jeff: I don't mind being used. I'm user-friendly.

Amaar: I'm sorry I care so much.
Rayyan: That's not an apology.
Amaar: I'm sorry you lost your way.
Rayyan: You shoudn't be making bad excuses!
Amaar: I'm sorry, nothing I ever say seems to work!
Rayyan: Oh, well, that's obvious.
Amaar: I am sorry I'm here!
Rayyan: Oh, well, now we're getting somewhere. And I am sorry that you're here too.