Loveline

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The only reason they come to see me is that I know that life is great—and they know I know it.
Clark Gable
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Loveline is a call-in radio show syndicated by Westwood One Studios. The show has been hosted by a number of people in its 24 year history. The longtime host is Dr. Drew Pinsky. The most popular partner to Drew was Adam Carolla, who cohosted from 1994-2005. The current cohost is Ted Ramón Stryker.

Dr. Drew Pinsky

  • Okay...so what's your question?
  • It's time to start listening, goddammit!
  • Are you a Mormon?
  • Dr. Drew in the hizzy! (a drop from his Crank Yankers appearance)
  • Good night and stay well (trademark sign off)
  • You're a lesbian.
  • You're gay. (played a various speeds)
  • You're fat. (often played as a soundeffect when a girl asks why a guy doesn't like her)
  • Good times. (after hearing something horrible)
  • (disapprovingly) Dude...
  • It's whatever.
  • I'm just saying.
  • Are you a midget?

Stryker

  • If the girl is in the vicinity then we're happy.
  • I insist you stick it in my ass.
  • Hey Drew guess what I did today? (usual saying when coming on loveline)
  • Drew, will you be my doctor?

Adam Carolla

  • Hey everybody, this is Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist.
  • How dare you!?
  • I am literally a millionaire.
  • Drew will you PLEASE stop punching the mic.
  • Good times.
  • I'm Droppin' Trou, I Will Drop Trou, Drew!
  • No, cannot have! (Armenian Accent)
  • Do the math.
  • Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy.
  • Red wine, that's my medicine, Dr. Drew.
  • Shhhoooccckkkiiinnng.
  • Grab a knee, gentlemen.
  • The world is your oyster, because that's all the world is.
  • Junior college is basically just a high school with ashtrays.
  • UN-acceptable...unacceptable!
  • That's ricockulous!
  • We can't judge, Drew. It's literally impossible to judge.
  • Mahalo. (trademark sign off)
  • Hey baby doll, what's your question? (to female callers)
  • It's a slippery slope, Drew.
  • I swear to Christ!
  • The only threesome you need to be having is with you, your husband, and a man by the name of Jesus Christ.
  • It's always good to end with a goat rape story.
  • Drew, are you a real doctor or just a Love Doctor?
  • You either need a girlfriend or a beanbag chair you can rape.

Conversations

Adam: Relax. You’re 15. You got a nice rack going for you. Relax.
Kelly Hu: No kidding. I’d be happy with that.
Adam: Me too. Focus on your studies.
Caller: But ever since I was 12, I’ve wanted them.
Adam: Yeah, I wanted to be the first pirate-astronaut when I was 12. Who cares.

Adam: Are you gay?
Caller: No, I'm not gay.
Adam: All right. Maybe your penis is. You ever, uh, catch it sniffing other guys' asses?
Caller: No, I've never been even remotely attracted to men.
Adam: Oh, okay. Because one time I took my penis to the park.
Drew: That must've been a disaster.
Adam: Well, I thought it was time to get it some exercise, let it run off some of that ball weight--
Drew: Dig up some gophers?
Adam: You know, this was when I was living in an apartment, and I didn't like the idea of keeping the penis--even though it was a small penis--cooped up in the apartment the whole time. You know what I'm saying?
Drew: It wasn't an indoor penis, what are you gonna do?
Adam: It wasn't, no. It was not raised as an indoor penis. On the other hand, now that I live up in the hills, I don't want to let it out, especially at night, because there's coyotes.
Drew: Also you get all those cat-tails in there and stuff. He gets caught in it.
Adam: It's not so much about that, and, you know, tracking semen onto the carpet and that kind of stuff. It’s more about--I’ve had some friends that have had their penises eaten off by coyotes, you know, they didn’t come in at night. You know what I'm saying?
Drew: Yeah, that's bad.
Adam: You got a problem up at your place too, Drew.
Drew: Yeah, we have bobcats.
Adam: You have bobcats? A penis is no match, even uncircumcised. No match for a bobcat.
Drew: Yeah, sometimes you can sort of decoy with the prepuce. They just take that and run.
Adam: The foreskin heads that way, the penis goes that way, and the bobcat's gotta make a decision? Well anyway, I took my penis to the park. I was trying sort of to tire it out, so when I got home I could get some rest. You know what I mean?
Drew: Yeah.
Adam: There’s nothing worse than when the penis is up and you’re trying to get some sleep.
Drew: Oh, it wakes you up to go in the morning, and you have to take it out. It's an outdoor penis!
Adam: And, uh, I went and got a drink of water, and the penis found it sniffing this dude's ass.
Drew: Oh, that must've been very disturbing.
Adam: It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing.
Drew: No, no, I mean more than embarrassing. Think, I mean, the implications.
Adam: I dunno. I had to put the penis down some months later.
Drew: Oh. Depressing story. And undoubtedly, you beat it for a while before.
Adam: Before I put it down, yeah.

(Discussing a caller who thinks he has a relationship with a woman when questioning has made it clear that they have no relationship whatsoever.)

Drew: I'm concerned about his relationship with reality, frankly.
Adam: Is that that bitch's name? Who is this reality bitch?

(discussing what the two hosts will be doing after the show)

Adam: Drew's going to slink back to his hotel room and go to bed. I am going back to my hotel room and hopefully watching this videotape of bootleg porn that some lovely person at Westwood One gave me. And I gotta tell you, if I don't have a VCR in my room, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Drew: You can call housekeeping, they'll get you one.
Adam: At 3:30 in the morning?
Drew: Yeah. They'll come in and hook it up, and it'll be very embarrassing for you.
Adam: They're not going to know there's a wackathon going on in there? "Yeah, it's 3:30 in the morning, and I'm gonna need a beta machine up here. I've got a pretty big business presentation tomorrow." I'd have to cook something up. I couldn't just tell them to send one over, they'd know what was going on. Anyway, my point is, I hope there's one back in the hotel, because I'd sure hate to have to break this thing open and hold it up to the light.

Adam: So the smoke detector has been going off for maybe a couple of years?
Caller: Yes. I can't get up there to change the battery.
Drew: Ahh....
Adam: Well, no, couldn't do that. Whaddya gonna do? Whaddya gonna do? It's like whaddya gonna do if the lightbulb goes out on the ceiling. Whaddya gonna do? Gotta move. You gotta move. Or just torch the place and collect the insurance. I mean if you can't reach it you can't reach it. Whaddya gonna do.

Adam: They say that heroin is a stepping stone drug.
Drew: To more harder drugs?
Adam: Yeah. You start with the heroin, next thing you know it's wine coolers and joints.

(Talking to Joel, a blind caller, about how his blindness can help him get dates.)

Adam: Yeah, no date rape gonna go on on the first night. What's he gonna do? You know what I mean? Not that...
Drew: Not that he wouldn't try.
Adam: Yeah, no, absolutely. It's not that, you know, handicapable doesn't also include rape, because I believe it does. Whatever, they can do anything that we can do. You gotta lump rape into that, right? So Joel, not saying that you can't rape with the best of them, or rape as good as a guy with 20/20 vision.
Drew: Or if he needed rape accessible ramps and equipment and things.
Adam: And it's not, by the way, rape is not a sexual crime. It's an act of violence. But you cum at the end. But it's violent. It's no different than if-
Drew: Same!
Adam: It's no different than if I stabbed you with a knife, and came on you.

(Drew dissolves into laughter)


Drew: Were you sexually abused, growing up?
Caller: Um, a little bit, but not much.
Drew: Yeah. Well, it only takes a little bit.
Adam: Just a sprinkling of sexual abuse?
Drew: Sprinkling of sodomy.
Adam: You had a dusting, a dusting of sodomy.