M*A*S*H (TV series)

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Based on the 20th Century-Fox film "M*A*S*H" (an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital), a big hit of 1970 which was based in turn on the book of the same name, "M*A*S*H" was an American television series about a team of doctors and nurses stationed at a fictional U.S. Army hospital (unit number 4077) in Korea, during the Korean War in 1950-53. The series originally aired on CBS from September 17, 1972 to February 28, 1983, but can still be seen in syndication. The series spanned 251 episodes and lasted almost four times as long as the war which served as its setting.


Contents

Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6
M*A*S*H the Pilot Divided We Stand The General Flipped at Dawn Welcome to Korea Bug Out Fade Out, Fade In
To Market, To Market 5 O'Clock Charlie Rainbow Bridge Change of Command Margaret’s Engagement Fallen Idol
Requiem for a Lightweight Radar's Report Officer of the Day It Happened One Night Out of Sight Out of Mind Last Laugh
Chief Surgeon Who? For the Good of the Outfit Iron Guts Kelly The Late Captain Pierce Lt. Radar O’Reilly War of Nerves
The Moose Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde O.R. Hey, Doc The Nurses The Winchester Tapes
Yankee Doodle Doctor Kim Springtime The Bus The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan The Light That Failed
Bananas, Crackers and Nuts L.I.P. Check Up Dear Mildred Dear Sigmund In Love and War
Cowboy The Trial of Henry Blake Life With Father The Kids Mulcahy’s War Change Day
Henry, Please Come Home Dear Dad, Three Alcoholics Unaminous Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler? The Korean Surgeon Images
I Hate A Mystery The Sniper There Is Nothing Like a Nurse Dear Peggy Hawkeye Get Your Gun The M*A*S*H Olympics
Germ Warfare Carry On, Hawkeye Adam’s Ribs Of Moose and Men The Colonel’s Horse The Grim Reaper
Dear Dad The Incubator A Full Rich Day Soldier of the Month Exorcism Comrades in Arms (Part 1)
Edwina Deal Me Out Mad Dogs and Servicemen The Gun Hawk’s Nightmare Comrades in Arms (Part 2)
Love Story Hot Lips and Empty Arms Private Charles Lamb Mail Call Again The Most Unforgettable Characters The Merchant of Korea
Tuttle Officer’s Only Bombed The Price of Tomato Juice 38 Across The Smell of Music
The Ringbanger Henry In Love Bulletin Board Dear Ma Ping Pong Patent 4077
Sometimes You Hear the Bullet For Want of a Boot The Consultant Der Tag End Run Tea and Empathy
Dear Dad, Again Operation Noselift House Arrest Hawkeye Hanky Panky Your Hit Parade
The Longjohn Flap The Chosen People Aid Station Some 38th Parallels Hepatitis What’s Up, Doc?
The Army-Navy Game As You Were Love and Marriage The Novocaine Mutiny The General’s Practitioner Mail Call Three
Stickey Wicket Crisis Big Mac Smilin’ Jack Movie Tonight Temporary Duty
Major Fred C. Dobbs George Payday The More I See You Souvenirs Potter’s Retirement
Ceasefire Mail Call White Gold Deluge Post Op Dr. Winchester and Mr. Hyde
Showtime A Smattering of Intelligence Abyssinia, Henry The Interview Margaret’s Marriage Major Topper
Season 7 Season 8 Season 9 Season 10 Season 11
Commander Pierce Too Many Cooks The Best of Enemies That’s Show Biz Hey, Look Me Over
Peace On Us Are You Now, Margaret? Letters Identity Crisis Trick or Treatment
Lil Guerilla My Dreams Cementing Relationships Rumor at the Top Foreign Affairs
Our Finest Hour Goodbye, Radar (Part 1) Father’s Day Give ‘em Hell, Hawkeye The Joker is Wild
The Billfold Syndrome Goodbye, Radar (Part 2) Death Takes a Holiday Wheelers and Dealers Who Knew?
None Like It Hot Period of Adjustment A War For All Seasons Communication Breakdown Bombshells
They Call the Wind Korea Nurse Doctor Your Retention Please Snap Judgment (Part 1) Settling Debts
Major Ego Private Finance Tell it To the Marines Snappier Judgment (Part 2) The Moon is Not Blue
Baby, It’s Cold Outside Mr. and Mrs. Who? Taking the Fifth ’Twas the Day After Christmas Run for the Money
Point of View The Yalu Brick Road Operation Friendship Follies of the Living - Concerns of the Dead U.N., the Night and the Music
Dear Comrade Life Time No Sweat The Birthday Girls Strange Bedfellows
Out of Gas Dear Uncle Abdul Depressing News Blood and Guts Say No More
An Eye for a Tooth Captain Outrageous No Laughing Matter A Holy Mess Friends and Enemies
Dear Sis Stars and Stripes Oh, How We Danced The Tooth Shall Set You Free Give and Take
B.J. Papa San Yessir That’s Our Baby Bottoms Up Pressure Points As Time Goes By
Inga Bottle Fatigue The Red/White Blues Where There’s A Will, There’s A War Goodbye, Farewell and Amen
The Price Heal Thyself Bless You, Hawkeye Promotion Commotion
The Young and the Restless Old Soldiers Blood Brothers Heroes
Hot Lips is Back in Town Morale Victory The Foresight Saga Sons and Bowlers
C*A*V*E Lend a Hand The Life You Save Picture This
Rally Around the Flagg, Boys Goodbye, Cruel World That Darn Kid
Preventative Medicine Dreams
A Night at Rosie’s War Co-Respondent
Ain’t Love Grand Back Pay
The Party April Fools

Season 1

M*A*S*H the Pilot

Hawkeye: Hey, Ho-Jon, come here. Sit down. I got a letter from Dean Lodge.
Trapper: Is that a good place to stay?

Hawkeye: Sorry, baby.
Margaret: Major to you!
Hawkeye: Sorry, Major baby.

Hawkeye: (about Frank): Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!

Hawkeye: You know, we gotta do it someday... throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the north and the south to a cocktail party. Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war.

Frank (spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf): What are you doing there?!
Hawkeye: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
Frank: Since when are you interested in the Bible?
Trapper: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.

Hawkeye (seeing Frank, wrapped in gauze, enter the mess tent): The mummy strikes.

Margaret: Those two, they're ruining this war, for all of us!

Frank: Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!
Hawkeye: Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm going to have to challenge you to a duel.

Hawkeye: (Reading the letter to Ho-Jon) If you do to the Army what you did to this College, America is finished, blah, blah, blah.

To Market, To Market

Henry: Radar, do you know what kind of wood this is?
Radar: Oak, sir?
Henry: Nope - it's oak.

[Henry, Hawkeye, Frank and Trapper watch the desk being airlifted out]
Hawkeye: Pardon me Henry, isn't that your desk?
Henry: Yeah, that's my genuine antique desk.
Trapper: Sending it out to be waxed?
Henry: I'm not sure what it's doing up there. Just keeps going up...up...up.
Hawkeye: To a far, far better place I'm sure.

Frank: (To Black Marketeer, who has earlier been seen with stolen watches strapped on his leg) I'd like to get a good look at your legs.
Korean Black Marketeer: Ohhh, one of those, huh?

Henry: (Pointing to a framed diploma hanging on the wall) I am a doctor too, you know!
Trapper: Henry, that's your high school diploma.

Trapper: Hurry up, the truck will be here soon.
[Radar looks up as if he hears something and moves faster]
Hawkeye: I think we just passed soon!

Requiem for a Lightweight

Trapper: If you won't help us, we'll tell everyone your brother's in jail.
Henry: My brother is a warden!
Hawkeye: We won't say that part.

Margaret: Just a minute, isn't that Frank's bag?
Trapper: I thought you were Frank's bag.

Radar: A guy told me that he was crossing the road, and this jeep came too close to him. He punched it.
Trapper: He punched it?
Radar: He knocked it out.
Trapper: Hawkeye, this guy knocks out jeeps!
Hawkeye: Showboat.

Frank: That's ether!
Hawkeye: A little louder, Frank, the cook didn't hear you.

Henry: Whatever it is, even if the answer is "yes", it's "no".

Radar: If he wanted to, he could be a platoon.

Trapper: I'm ready to throw in the whole laundry truck!

Trapper: Where am I?
Hawkeye: The mess tent.
Trapper: Now for the big question. Who am I?

Chief Surgeon Who?

Frank: He's out of uniform, as usual.
Hawkeye: I've tried sleeping in my uniform, Frank, but my medals keep stabbing me.

[They are sitting around a card table, playing poker]
Hawkeye: I don't like this. How many did you take?
Trapper: Three.
Hawkeye: And you, Kaplan?
Kaplan: Two.
Hawkeye: And you didn't take any?
Ugly John: Nope.
Trapper (to Ugly John): How would you like a land mine up your moustache?

General Barker: What are you doing, Corporal?
Radar: Doing, sir?
Barker: D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing?
Radar: I'm listening to you spell "doing", sir.

Hawkeye (to Henry referring to Frank): I can't understand why. He's the one with a $35,000 car and two houses.
Frank: (Aside, to Henry) That's a $35,000 house and two cars, sir.

Trapper (On presentation of volleyball to Hawkeye) Your orb, sire. (On presentation of toilet plunger to Hawkeye) And your scepter.

(in shorts, T-shirt, and dressing gown)
Hawkeye: Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

General Barker: Can I make a suggestion about Major Burns? Give him a high colonic, and send him on a ten mile hike.
Trapper: With full pack.
General Barker: Good touch.

Frank: I've have got oak leaves on my shoulders.
Henry: And I've got dimples on my butt!

Henry: Frank Burns has to be the biggest horse's patoot on this post.

(Henry is appointing a head surgeon)
Frank: I can adjust.
Henry: I hope you can. I'm giving it to Pierce.
Hawkeye: Oh, thanks.
Frank: WHAT!? You can't! I won't stand for it!
Henry: Frank! The one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife!
Frank: What about rank!?
Hawkeye: Can I help it if I'm not as rank as you?
Henry: Face it, Pierce is the best cutter in the outfit. He's qualified in both chest and general surgery! In case you haven't noticed, there's a war on! We can't be so G.I. we lose patients!
Frank: Are you suggesting he's a better doctor than I am?
Henry: Yes! When the heat's on!
Frank: If you want heat, I'll give you plenty of heat!
Henry: Frank... 'Failure to salute a superior officer'.
(Frank salutes Henry, Henry returns salute, Hawkeye waves)

Klinger (on guard duty): Halt! Who goes there?
General Barker: The man's naked!
Hawkeye: Come on, Klinger, put on a dress or something!
Trapper: At least a slip!

The Moose

Hawkeye: I'm gonna do something about this--I'm going to Henry.
Spearchucker: Henry? Our Henry?
Trapper: I thought you said you were going to do something about this.

Spearchucker: And when you talk to people, don't look down. Look them in the eye and don't back off. See? We're all the same. Get it?
Yong Hi: Excuse it, not the same.
Spearchucker: How do you figure?
Yong Hi: You need shave.

Trapper (about the Swamp): Somebody sneaked in here and committed a neatness!

Radar (when peering through telescope at nurse entering shower): I'm still blocked...hoo boy, am I blocked.

Yankee Doodle Doctor

Frank: You...you...
Hawkeye: Who are you calling a you-you?

Hawkeye: Gee I was sitting around minding my own business, when all of a sudden POOF a star is born!

Hawkeye (to a nurse, as the Groucho-inspired doctor in the film): Tell me nurse, would you like to hop into the oxygen tent for a little heavy breathing?

Hawkeye: Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about... no promises, no guaranteed survival... no 'saints in surgical garb.' Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, no war is a movie.

[An army film unit is making a documentary at the camp]
Frank: (Reading from the film script) ... from the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor.
Trapper (laughing): A Yankee Doodle --
Hawkeye (singing) Stuck a feather in his nurse...
Hawkeye and Trapper:...and called her macaroni!



Hawkeye: (As the Groucho inspired doctor in the film): Hold on a minute (leans over and listens to the stomach of a soldier played by Radar)
Nurse: Is something wrong doctor?
Hawkeye: I think I just found my wristwatch, either that or he's giving birth to an alarm clock! (Trapper honks a horn then Hawkeye turns and looks at Radar's stomach)
Hawkeye: How dare you say that in front of a lady?

Bananas, Crackers and Nuts

Hawkeye: I had a dream last night that I was asleep and I dreamed it while I was awake!

Frank (while Hawkeye is eating while wearing his surgery scrubs): All right, what's all that funny business there?
Hawkeye: There's nothing funny here to me, Frank. I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece of liver.
Frank: Liver? Where did you get liver? They're serving hamburgers.
Hawkeye: This is mine and you can't have any.
Frank: Okay, okay. But where did you get it?
Hawkeye: From that North Korean.
Frank: What North Korean? The--you mean the one that--
Hawkeye: The one that croaked.

Trapper: You know Pierce was saying only this morning what a considerate, intelligent human being you are.
Frank: He has flipped.

Henry: This is the army! No one can do the best they can!

Cowboy

Henry (walking into the Swamp): Alright, Trapper. Don't-think-I-don't-know-what-you-think-I-don't-know!
Trapper (to Hawkeye): Would you mind translating that, please?
Henry: You wouldn't be the first man in the Army to try and kill his commanding officer.
Trapper: Steady, Henry, your glue is melting!
Henry: Just because I wouldn't let you use my jeep--
Hawkeye: Henry, Trapper may be insane, but he's not crazy.
Henry: Where were you this afternoon?
Trapper: Over in the supply tent doing a hundred yard dash with a nurse!
Henry: And tonight, what about tonight when a jeep went though my quarters?
Trapper: When a what went through your where?
Hawkeye: Henry, he was here with me.
Henry: Oh, yeah? And just where is here?
Hawkeye: Here is where we are.
Henry: Oh, is here, here?
Trapper: Henry...Henry, are you alright?
Henry: Alright. Tent smashed.
Hawkeye: You can stay here tonight.
Henry: [wandering out] Jeep...tent...BOOM!
Trapper: Does Henry have an enemy?
Hawkeye: Doesn't sound like the work of a friend. I think we better keep an eye on him.
Trapper: Now?
Hawkeye: He may not have a later.

Hawkeye: ...Box 742...
(holds hand over microphone)...Reno!...Goodbye, Henry.

Trapper: Come on, Frank! Outta the way!
Frank: You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.
Trapper: Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!
Frank: Over my dead body.
Trapper: Great idea!

(Henry has just been shot at while playing golf)
Henry: What the hell was that?
Hawkeye: I don't know, but you'll have to take a stroke.
Henry: But I can't even find my ball!
Hawkeye: Well then, that's two strokes.

Henry: (After latrine blew up with him inside) BOOM!

Henry, Please Come Home

Radar: They aren't gonna like this.
Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.
Radar: You certainly came to the right place.

Hawkeye: Do you mind if we swim through?

Frank: Sergeant, I want these men on report. Beds unmade, personal effects in disorder.
Trapper: Hear, hear!

Henry: Radar, are you sick?
Radar: Well, I feel a lot better than I did, sir.
Hawkeye: Suddenly, I don't feel so good. (Hawkeye, Trapper, and Jones turn to leave)
Henry: Hold it! Pierce, Jones, McIntyre!

I Hate A Mystery

Henry: I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.
Hawkeye: I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.

Ho-Jon: I have 300 dollars now.
Hawkeye: Well, he's been saving up his nickels and pennies... and stealing my poker winnings!

Hawkeye: I lured the criminal to repeat his attempt to steal his ill-gotten booty. Or his ill-booten goty. Which he has done.

Hawkeye: And now, the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick...
(Hawkeye listens for a sound but hears nothing)
Hawkeye: And now, the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick... Ho-Jon?
Ho-Jon: Stizzle swick not here!
Hawkeye: Who took my 'stizzle swick'!?

Hawkeye: You know, I never hit a woman.
Burns: You lay one finger on Margaret...
Hawkeye: I was talking about you, Frank.

Hawkeye: So naturally the culprit returned for his ill-gotten booty. Or his ill booten goty.

Germ Warfare

Hawkeye (at show-end with test results on Frank's blood): Uh oh. Bad news, Frank. You've got anaemia.
Trapper: Well, what do you expect, giving blood in the middle of the night?
Hawkeye: Yeah, you're too selfless, Frank.

Hawkeye: Good vork, Igor. In the morning, he'll be one of my brides.
Trapper: Shhhh, not so loud, my Count.

Frank: I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me!

Hawkeye:Ghouls? Thats a nice thing to call us vampires.

Dear Dad

Trapper: What happens in the event that figure 'A' is attracted to figure 'B' and wants to get married? But figure 'A' is already married to, say, figure 'C', and figure 'B' is engaged to figure 'D'. But figure 'A' can't keep his hands off figure 'B' because she's got such a great figure.

PA Announcement: Attention, the following personnel have volunteered to go on a ten-mile fitness hike. (Silence)

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel, when filling out GI Insurance forms, please state your age and sex at the time of your last birthday.

PA Announcement: Santa will be there too; we can only hope he's sober (shot of Hawkeye dressed as Santa drinking a martini)

PA Announcement: Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.

Wounded Soldier's buddy (looking at Hawkeye suspended from a helicopter, dressed as Santa): And you said there was no Santa Claus.

Hawkeye: Well you know what they say: dirty mind, warm heart.

Hawkeye (To Trapper as he stuffs the Santa suit with pillows): If my father finds out about this, you’ll have to marry me.

Edwina

Hawkeye: Edwina, may I kiss you?
Edwina: Is your mouth insured?

Hawkeye (to Edwina): Dance with me--carefully?

Hawkeye: Did you want to say something, Henry, or were you just hoping for a free tonsillectomy?

Love Story

Radar (referring to a book Hawkeye is holding): War AND Peace?
Trapper: Well, Tolstoy was very flexible. He went either way.

Anderson: I'll tell you how I feel about ol' Johann Sebastian.
Radar: Now that's highly significant.
Anderson: I haven't said anything yet.
Radar: That's OK. I have confidence in you, Lieutenant.

(Hawkeye and Trapper are in Houlihan's cot)
Margaret (exasperated): What're you doing in my bed?!
Hawkeye: The first one was too hard...
Trapper: And the second one was too soft...

Hawkeye: And one last thing...
Margaret (agitated): What!?
Hawkeye: Who is this man in bed next to me?
Trapper: You don't know me; I followed you home from the movies.

Frank: Nerts to you!

Tuttle

Hawkeye: I don't believe in atheism.

Hawkeye (regarding the fictitious Capt. Tuttle): Druid, reformed. They're allowed to pray at bushes.

Hawkeye: We can all be comforted by the thought that he's not really gone...that there's a little Tuttle left in all of us. In fact, you might say that all of us made up Tuttle.

Hawkeye (preparing Tuttle's profile): And now, something for Hot Lips. Height--six-foot-four. Weight--190 pounds. Hair--auburn. Eyes--hazel.
Trapper: Hawkeye, I think I'm in love.

PA Announcement: Will Captain Jonathan Tuttle please report to Colonel Blake?
Hawkeye (to Trapper): Should we go inside and build one?

Radar (referring to Henry, after Frank and Margaret have asked to see him): I'm afraid he's doing some very important sleeping for the army right now.

Trapper: (while Hawkeye is working on Tuttle's profile) You should write fiction.
Hawkeye: You should read my file.

The Ringbanger

Margaret: You're drunk!
Henry (slurring): That's a dirty lie. And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.

Henry (drunk, holding a gun): Don't move, Korea, this is a stick-up.

Sometimes You Hear the Bullet

Hawkeye: Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Margaret: That's 'Major' to you, Captain!
Hawkeye: Henry, you're not going to endorse this Major idiot's application, are you?

Tommy Gillis: I'm keeping my country safe from the Communist menace!
Hawkeye: You used to BE a Communist!
Tommy Gillis: Then I'm keeping my country safe from ME!

Henry: Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one.

Hawkeye: Wendell, another word for "gooks" is "people".

Dear Dad, Again

Hawkeye (thinking as he writes): I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind, Radar has that ability. The little fink.
Radar (walking past): Is that a nice thing to say?

Hawkeye: I don't want you to think this is a madhouse, Dad. We're nowhere near that organized.

Trapper: What a mess. Stomach, kidney, liver...
Hawkeye: What is that, an organ recital?

Henry: Name a three-sided figure with two equal sides.
Radar: The Gettysburg Address.
Henry: For what speech is Abraham Lincoln most noted?
Radar: The isosceles triangle--anything wrong, sir?
Henry: No, your answers are correct. You just memorized the questions in the wrong order.

The Longjohn Flap

Hawkeye: (to Henry) We're here to report a pair of missing Longjohns.
Trapper: (also to Henry) Which we own and you are wearing.
Henry: Can you identify them?
Hawkeye: I've got a better idea. How about you identify them? (Trapper covers Henry's eyes) Without looking.
Henry: Well they're long...
Trapper: And they're johns...they must be his.

Radar (over PA): This is the announcement you all have been waiting for: Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake is the proud father of a bouncing baby appendix. Henry's doing fine. (applause) And the longjohns have been saved. (louder applause)

Frank (to Klinger): The next time I see you, I wanna see a shine on those high heels!

The Army-Navy Game

Henry (reading instructions): And carefully cut the wires to the fuse at the head.
(Trapper cuts the wire)
Henry: But first remove the fuse.
(Everyone exchanges panicked looks, Trapper listens to the bomb with a stethoscope)
Trapper: Sst. Sst.
Hawkeye: You spring a leak?
Trapper: It stopped ticking.
Hawkeye: Let's get the hell out of here. We've only got 2 and a half minutes, maybe.
(bomb explodes, bunch of papers fly out)
Trapper: It was a propaganda bomb!

Commander Sturner: Well, there's only one thing to do.
Henry: What's that, sir?
Commander Sturner: Punt.
Henry: I'm sorry, sir. Did you say...?
Commander Sturner: My advice is to hoist anchor, shove off.
Henry: But the army's orders are to stay.
Commander Sturner: The army? What do they know? They just fumbled on their own one yard line.

Colonel Hersh: Try calling the navy.
Henry: Well, why would the navy drop a bomb on us?
Colonel Hersh: Because we're beating them 14 to nothing.

Colonel Hersh: You got a stethoscope anyplace?
Hawkeye: WE'RE A MEDICAL UNIT!!!

Radar (seeing Klinger in a suit): Don't I know your sister?

Sticky Wicket

(during a poker game in the Swamp)
Hawkeye: Can't you guys do that somewhere else?
Trapper: Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?
Hawkeye: I'm not doing anything!
Trapper: Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?

Radar: Stop making fun of my height!
Hawkeye: What height? You have no height to make fun of. Go get some height and we'll make fun of it.

Trapper (during a poker game): My last hand was more like a foot.

Major Fred C. Dobbs

Frank: I'll write you every day--faithfully.
Margaret: You promise?
Frank: Just like I do my wife.

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel! Tonight's movies will be "Greed" and "The Major was a Miner," starring Major Frank 'There Goes My Transfer' Burns.

Henry: You know, Frank, as rough as it's been, I think I'll miss you.
Frank: Well it might not have come to this if you had had the backbone to maintain some discipline.
Henry: Well--so much for missing you.

Ceasefire

Hawkeye: General Clayton, this is Benjamin Franklin Pierce. I realize you're a General and I'm just a Captain, but I want to have your baby.

General Clayton: Henry, are you sitting down?
Henry (stands up): No, sir.
Clayton: Maybe you better.
Henry (sits down): Yes, sir.
Hawkeye: Is he giving you calisthetics over the phone?

Trapper: Call us if you need us.
Hawkeye: Yeah, but don't need us.

Klinger (about the ceasefire): Terrific! But I'm stuck with a dozen dresses.

Trapper: We've been here since Tuesday. What's the difference, it keeps us off the streets.

Henry: I cut myself last week and it came out khaki.

Showtime

Kaplan: How's the driver?
Hawkeye: He's OK.
Kaplan: It figures. I'm going home--I'm in pieces. He's staying here--he doesn't bust a pimple.

Frank: Are you going over my head?
Hawkeye: No, just through the hole in it.

Henry: It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't be there with her!
Radar: Well at least you were there for the important part.

Season 2

Divided We Stand

PA Announcement: Attention please. Immediately following Mass this Sunday, Yom Kippur services will be held for all Jewish personnel of the Hebrew faith.

Capt. Hildebrand: It is to some degree understandable. You are, after all, only three miles from the front. You would not be the first people to crack under the stress of war.
Frank: I resent that! I, for one, have not cracked because of the war.
Hawkeye: That's true, Captain.
Frank: Thank you, Pierce.
Hawkeye: Frank showed up here cracked.

Hawkeye: Henry? Your fly is closed.

Henry: There's nothing wrong with Klinger. I mean, he goes out with girls.
Captain Hildebrand: Must be stealing their clothes.

Frank (looking at his Bible): Who re-wrote these Commandments?

Hawkeye (orders breakfast): I'll have two scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of World War II surplus bread, and don't make it tasty.

(Reveille begins playing on the PA system with the record hanging)
Hawkeye: Hey! Somebody give the place a shove!
(Record scratches and the song continues)
Trapper (after song finishes): What's going on?
Hawkeye: I think this motel is surrounded by soldiers.

Trapper: Well, we did it again.
Hawkeye: Screwed up in reverse. We'll never get out of here.

Hildenbrandt: In my short stay here, I've seen textbook examples of neuroses, psychoses, voyeurism, fetishism, and a few 'isms' I've never even heard of. The people here are mad, quite mad, all of them. They are impossible people in an impossible place doing impossible work. The only act I can think of that would be madder still would be to break them up.

5 O'Clock Charlie

Frank: I want everybody to understand that this is war! And that war is a call to arms!
(Frank pulls out his gun but it has been replaced with a stapler)
Hawkeye: Here's the money mister,please don't staple us!

(When Frank pulls out his "plunger gun")
Hawkeye: Attaboy, Frank! Flush 'em out of the sky!

Frank: I think it ill behooves us--
Hawkeye: Behooves? What are we, in the cavalry now?

Cardozzo (in the Swamp): I promised my wife that I would't have a drink or a woman until I got back.
Hawkeye: Ah, that's nice.
Cardozzo (holding out a glass): Give me a blast. Make it a short one--I've got a date tonight.

PA Announcement: The hospital will remain open 24 hours a day for your dancing and dining pleasure.

Hawkeye: You're out of uniform!
Nurse: Where?
Hawkeye: How about my tent in five minutes?

Radar's Report

Sidney: Sign this, soldier.
Klinger: What's it say?
Sidney: It says that I have examined you and found you to be a transvestite and a homosexual.
Klinger: I ain't any of those. Where do get off calling me that?
Sidney: I think I got the idea from your cleavage.
Klinger: Listen, all I want is a Section 8. You know what you can do with this.
Sidney: Hey soldier. You forgot your purse.

Hawkeye: Great little war we have here.
Radar: I could do without it.

For The Good of the Outfit

Hawkeye (after hanging up the phone): The Major is the Korean distributor of crapola.

Hawkeye: We've been getting double-talk in triplicate.

Frank (After entering the Swamp): Pigpen, brothel!
Hawkeye: Here, sir!
Trapper: Yo!

Hawkeye: (to Henry) What did you do, sneak off and enlist on us?!

Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde

Henry: I'm gonna be frank with you, Pierce.
Hawkeye: You're gonna be "Frank" with me?
Henry: I mean blunt.
Hawkeye: Oh, that's good, otherwise Frank would try to be Henry with me. I don't think I could stand that.

Henry: You were ordered to stand down!
Hawkeye: I did, but I fell up again.

Hawkeye (to Radar): World War II--a lot of good songs came out of that war. (singing) I'll be home for Christmas...You can count on me...Please have snow...and mistletoe..and presents on the tree (hesitates) When der Fuhrer says...we is da master race...we go heil (Raspberry) heil (raspberry) right in the Fuhrer's face.

Trapper: I guess he's just unstable. You see, he took this weird oath as a young man, never to just stand by and watch people die.

(Watching Hawkeye after he has been drugged)
Radar: When's he gonna fall down?
Trapper: I don't know. Rasputin swallowed a whole drugstore and didn't even belch.

Frank: What are you doing?
Hawkeye: Taking a picture of the latrine. (turns his camera toward Frank) Ok. Now what am I doing?
Frank: (defensively) What are you doing?
Hawkeye: Still taking a picture of the latrine. It was a trick question.

Kim

Hawkeye (looking for maps of the minefield): Why aren't they under 'M'?"
Radar: Because they're under 'B' for 'boom'.

Hawkeye: What a time for the kid not to understand English!

Hawkeye: Looks like a pregnant bagpipe.
Trapper: Do bagpipes get pregnant?
Hawkeye: Sure they do, right after they make those funny sounds.

Trapper:(to Frank) Take a walk, Major!
Hawkeye:Take a major walk.

L.I.P.

Hoffman: Don't they ever show anything but war pictures?
Hawkeye: I think the Army's trying to prove movies are hell.

Hawkeye (seeing that his patient is a baby): Boy, did HIS Draft Board go crazy.

Hoffman (as Hawkeye is leaving): Is that all?
Hawkeye: No, there's one more thing. (Raspberry)



Hawkeye(to Corporal Walker): Are you married?
Corporal Walker: Sort of.
Hawkeye: Sort of married? That's like being sort of a virgin.

Hawkeye: You have to understand that this is is a hospital, and where there's a hospital there are a lot of doctors and nurses. And where there are doctors and nurses, there's a lot of operating going on. And some of it even in surgery.

The Trial of Henry Blake

General Mitchell: Who are you?
Margaret: Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir!
General Mitchell: Which is which?
Hawkeye: Doesn't matter, they're interchangeable.

Trapper: You're a Captain, and I'm a Captain. If you were playing poker and you had a pair of captains in the hole, you'd bet your brains out!
Hawkeye: Unfortunately he's not one of a kind. He's two of a kind.
Trapper (nodding): That's right. Hot lips is a major too.
Hawkeye: That's a bigger pair.

Frank (to tribunal indicating Trapper): This man is A-W-O-L.
Margaret (indicating Hawkeye): Him too. They're both AWOL.
HAwkeye: That's only because we're Absent Without Leave.

Cratty (to tribunal): Henry Blake is a caring, decent man--which is more than I can say about any of you high-priced bellhops.
Hawkeye (to Cratty): You're beautiful, you know.
Cratty: I used to be, sonny.

Cratty (indicating pregnant Korean woman): This is a sample of Henry Blake's work.
Henry: Boy, that's all I need.

Klinger: I did it. I put the whole thing in his beer, like you said.
Hawkeye: Take two bras out of petty cash.

Trapper (handing a note to Klinger): For post-nasal drip.
Klinger: I haven't got post-nasal drip.
Trapper: Take it or I'll give you one.
Klinger (reading note): Yes, sir. (stops in front of guard and sniffs)

Radar: You can't not afford to give your feet the best home they ever had!

Major Murphy: Charge two states that you have a non-com who's a transvestite.
Henry: I don't pry into a man's religion, sir.
General Mitchell: A transvestite wears dresses, Colonel.
Henry: Oh, Klinger.

Hawkeye (looking up while kissing a nurse): Did you see that?
Nurse: See what?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Trapper: Hey, Hawk. Did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Hawkeye: See, I told ya!

Officer (during a court martial): So you admit that the corporal [Klinger] was found about several miles down the road.
Henry: Yes, sir. In an unconscious condition looking like a big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.

Frank: You're playing ping pong!
Trapper (to Hawkeye): I told you it was ping pong!

Dear Dad, Three

Hawkeye (at show end, singing): So don't forget, folks...that's what you get, folks...for making whoopee.
Anna Lindstrom: What is that--whoopee?
Hawkeye: I'll be with you in a minute, darling.

Henry: (during comic-end of home movie): That's Milt Jaffe, gynaecologist next door.
Hawkeye: Everyone should have a gynaecologist next door.

Hawkeye: We've just heard that General Eisenhower's gonna run for president...what some guys won't do to get out of the army.

Frank: You should've seen my skin in college. I only became a doctor to clear up my face.

Radar (during roll call): Major Frank Marion Burns.
Trapper (snickers): Marion.
Hawkeye: His folks wanted a boy.

Henry (to Margaret during staff meeting): I'll take your seat and you take mine.
Hawkeye tries to say something, but Trapper stops him.
Trapper: Let it go.

The Sniper

Radar (about being trapped in Post-Op because of the sniper): No one's eaten in thirteen hours.
Henry: Well that just coincides with how long we've gone without food.
Radar: I have this peculiar metabolism. If I don't eat regularly everything solid in my body turns to liquid. My shoes are full of water.
Henry: They are not.

Hawkeye: Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.

(Hawkeye grabs onto who he thinks is the sniper.)
(Frank screams and starts shooting.)
Hawkeye: I got him! I got him! Stop shooting!
(Frank lights a match.)
Hawkeye: You almost killed me!
Frank: I didn't fire it! I didn't! (looks at his gun) Yes, I did.
(Hawkeye pulls Radar out from underneath a table.)
Radar: I had to get something to eat.
Hawkeye: You'd risk your life for a...a ketchup on rye?
Radar: With butter and lettuce!

Henry: Isn't it twelve up until it gets to be noon and then you start all that hundred hours stuff? Boy, I gotta tell.. I wish the Army would tell time like everybody else.

Frank: He fired on our white flag. We should fire on his...(as the others glare at him)...just spitballing.

Radar (at show-end referring to sniper's thinking that he was firing on MacArthur's headquarters): Where do you think you're going to get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake?
(Hawkeye and Trapper dress a sleeping Burns with cap, sunglasses, and corncob pipe.)
Frank (awakening): What's going on?
Hawkeye: You have returned.

Carry On, Hawkeye

PA Announcement: Due to the flu, kindly refrain from kissing anyone unless absolutely necessary.

Hawkeye (talking to Radar in Henry's office): It's hard to believe I'm sitting in Henry Blake's chair. This is the chair in which a thousand indecisions have been launched.

Henry (sick yet acting healthy): I'm in command again, I'm back on the bridge.
(Henry sits down and starts slinking down to the floor)
Hawkeye: He went down with his desk.

Hawkeye: Send me Jack the Ripper! Anybody good with a knife!

(after Trapper tries to get up)
Hawkeye: Listen Trap, if you want to help me, don't help me. The only way you're going to get better is if you let yourself be sick.
Trapper: I think I can manage that. (Flops over)

Trapper (to Hawkeye): I think I'm getting better. There's only two of you there. There used to be three.

Hawkeye: Radar, you'll be assisting Major Houlihan -- nurse, friend and all around good egg.
Margaret: He's very sick.

Henry (at show end): In recognition of your dedicated service during this last crisis, the 4077th is presenting you with this scroll.
(holding up a roll of TP)
Frank: We all signed it.
Hawkeye: I'll never be able to look at this without thinking of you, Frank.
Radar: All right people. I ordered bed rest for this patient.

Hawkeye: You know those things I've said about you--all those nasty tricks I've played on you?
Margaret: Yes?
Hawkeye: I'd like to get better and do them all over again.

Hawkeye: You know that little shot you gave me for the flu?
Margaret: Yes.
Hawkeye: Well it worked, I got it.
Margaret: Are you sure?
Hawkeye: I've got enough nausea to light up the city of Toledo, okay? First I'm hot, then I'm cold, and my knees are in business for themselves. My tongue has gone cashmere, and I'd like to find an all night latrine that takes servicemen. Now, have I got the flu or am I just in love?
Margaret: Do you think you can operate?
Hawkeye: I've got to. What am I going to tell the casualties? To stop bleeding until I feel better? [Takes out thermometer]
Margaret: I want to see if you have a fever.
Hawkeye: Oh, trust me, I've got fever to burn.

Hawkeye: You just go to sleep, and we'll leave a call for February.

Hawkeye: My kingdom for an intelligent octopus! (said while being called on to do several things at once)

The Incubator

(Overturned matress reveals Dr. Kline passed out; face-up guitar covers his torso)
Hawkeye: That's Dr. Klein. Ear, eye, nose, and guitar.
Trapper: Is he alive?
Hawkeye: Yes, but his guts are in terrible shape.

Henry: Say, you guys in Quartermaster are doing a bang-up job. I mean, everybody seems to have plenty of guns and bullets and stuff. Wouldn't be much of a war without you.
Captain Sloan: We hold our end up.
Henry: You do that around here, you get your temperature taken.

Hawkeye (regarding the requisition of the incubator being denied): We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven.
Captain Sloan: Oh, those I can let you have.
Henry: No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?
Captain Sloan: Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in 'Pizza' where it says 'Machine Gun'.

(Radar walking into the swamp amazed at the drinking carnage)
Radar: WOW.
Hawkeye: There were no survivors.

Henry: Did you really call a one-star general a 'NINCOMPAC'?

Henry: Did you really yell 'Give me an incubator or give me death'?

Henry (after Sloan says 'incubator'): Thar she blows!

Hawkeye: You have a fever of 109 stroke 10, you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza to go, unless of course you go first.

Henry: Anything that wiggles, Frank, is one of my fingers.

Henry: I'll tell you what else you are, you're under arrest!

Deal Me Out

Hawkeye (during a poker game): Everybody freeze!
Sidney: What's the matter?
Hawkeye: One of the sandwiches just moved.
(Everyone turns to look at the sandwich plate)

Hawkeye (during a poker game): Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
Sidney: Sex.
Hawkeye: Why?
Sidney: I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
Sidney: I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.

Sidney (after being shot at): I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch!

Sidney (talking about a regulation): That's crazy!

Captain Pak (during a poker game): If I want to chew the fat, I'll eat a sandwitch.

Radar:Hey, these sandwiches for anybody?
Sidney:(under his breath) Anyone with a death wish.

Sidney: Klinger, be creative. I remember a guy who insisted he was a cockroach, would only crawl along the woodwork.
Hawkeye: That was Private Kafka, I believe.
Sidney: Then I had a young man who claimed to be reincarnated. Said he was with Washington at Valley Forge and therefore he'd already done his military service.

Sidney: Hi, Frank. What's new up on the Mount?
Captain Pak: Read any good commandments lately?

Hawkeye (after Frank states its against regulations to gamble with enlisted personnel): You never enlisted, did you Klinger?
Klinger: When they came for me, I ran like a thief, right into Grand Central Station. They trapped me in a pay toilet.
Trapper: Beautiful.
Klinger: Took 'em four dollars in nickels just to get me out!
Hawkeye: I love a volunteer.
Klinger: You know, during the physical, they jabbed me with a coat hanger to get me to cough?

Halloran: Hey, up close you're a man.
Klinger: Far away, too.

PA Announcement: Will doctors Pierce and McIntyre kindly return to the conference. They need your money.

Henry: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more.

Hot Lips and Empty Arms

Margaret (in a huff): Where is Colonel Bubble-Head?
Radar: He gave orders not to be disturbed.
Margaret: He already is disturbed.

Margaret (drunk, to Hawkeye and Trapper): Oh, go salute yourselves.

Henry (about Margaret's departure): We will keep this between us.
Radar (over PA): Attention! Major Margaret Houlihan will be leaving the 4077th M*A*S*H effective immediately. There will be wine served with dinner and ice cream with chocolate sauce.

Margaret (following Hawkeye's "toast"): I too have a toast. Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre. To their all-night binges. To their secret nurse ceremonies. To their planting of microphones in sleeping bags. To their childish switching of names on latrines. All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving 'Come As Your Favourite Nude Pilgrim' party.

Margaret: Oh, my goodness, it's an emergency. It's a good thing I'm a nurse.

Margaret: (very drunk): Major Margon Houlihat reporting for duty, sir.
Henry: Oh boy, you're drunk as a skunk.
Pierce: Fine time to make a drinking debut.
Margaret: Where are the casualties, sire?
Henry: Now just hold your horses, they're not even here yet!
Margaret: Well then lets go get 'em sir, I'll drive.
Henry: Uh, Major, you're drunk
Margaret: Oh I'm not so think as you drunk I am!

(Pierce and Trapper are holding Margaret under a cold shower)

Margaret (sputtering): Ahhh!! What are you doing? What are you doing?
Pierce : New surgical procedure. You have to scrub up from head to toe with your clothes on.
Margaret : That's ridiculous!

(Pierce turns the shower back on. Margaret starts laughing)

Margaret : I like it!

(Trapper gestures to Pierce to turn the water on again.)

Trapper: More!

(Pierce give Margaret a shot)

Margaret: Ow! What was that?
Pierce: Load of B1. Get you on your feet again.
Margaret: Oh.....and I didn't get you anything....

Officer's Only

Frank: Major Frank Burns, sir, I was the backup surgeon to the assistance that might have been needed on the operation of your son.
General Mitchell: Okay...
Margaret: Major Margaret Houlihan, sir. I'm in charge of nursing.
Mitchell: I can believe that.
Hawkeye: Captain Pierce, The African Explorer.

Henry (while Klinger is "pregnant"): It's none of my business Klinger, but should someone in your condition be smoking a cigar?

Hawkeye (introducing the enlisted men in the officer's club): Corporal O'Reilly, who's been like a son to me. Corporal Klinger, who's been like a daughter.

Klinger: Yes, sirs. Right away sirs.
Hawkeye: Cut that out, or I'll snap your garter.

Duk (to Henry): Can I get you something, sir?
Henry: You bet--I'm dying for a banana daquiri.
Duk: Is that a drink?
Henry: Sure. You just take some bananas, some rum, and some cream, and you mix it all in a blender.
Duk: We got no bananas, no blender, and powdered cream.
Henry: Okay, I'll have a beer.

Hawkeye: We got you drunk your first time.
Trapper: Taught you how to drive the jeep.
Hawkeye: All on the same night.

Henry In Love

Henry: I can't believe it. I couldn't wait till she got here, and now I'm glad she's gone.
Trapper: It's for the best, Henry.
Hawkeye: Yeah--if you had sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out your backside.

Frank: It's nice to be nice to the nice.

Hawkeye (as Nancy Sue Parker gets out of a jeep): I'm a doctor, you can take it from me. That's a nice leg.

For Want of a Boot

Margaret: They love you, Frank.
Frank: It was their hatred that fooled me.

Frank: You guys are so full of prunes.

Henry: I'd be lying if I said I understood that. I'd also be lying if I said I cared.

Operation Noselift

PA Announcement: Attention. Major Robbins, please report for emergency surgery. Major Burns, report to the CO. Major Houlihan, report to Supply. These are the major announcements for the day.

Private Baker: You don't have to live with the jokes. "Uh, excuse me, but my bus is late and it's raining. Mind if I stand under your nose?" "Ever thought of putting in an attic?" At my Draft Board, the guy next to me said, "You could be 4-F. Just tell them you're an anteater!"

Henry: Don't tell me. I don't want to know about it. You guys have my full permission, and I never said that. I mean, I'm not even here, so how could I? Radar!
Radar: Sir?
Henry: Make an entry in the daily report that I wasn't here today, and bring it to me so I can sign it.
Radar: Uh, sir, if you sign it, it'll show you were here.
Henry: Then you sign it for me.
Radar: Yes, sir. Should I sign your name?
Henry: You'll have to, because I'm gonna say it was a forgery.
Radar: Yes, sir.
Henry: Well, no sense hanging around if I'm not here.

Hawkeye (to Baker): Do you know why Napoleon always had his hand inside his coat? He was scratching his nose.

Hawkeye (seeing available selections in "nose" catalogue): Gee, I never knew how hard it was to pick a nose.
Robbins (pointing to one selection): This one paid for two Cadillacs.
Trapper: Now that's what you call "paying through the nose."
Robbins: The wit in this room flows like molasses.

The Chosen People

Radar: Oh, I like all babies. It sure is a great way to start a life.

Frank (on the phone with another major): You're my kinda fella. Y'know I think the two of us should get together some time--I have a feeling the two of us are very much alike.
(the other major says something that causes a look of horror to spread of Frank's face)
Frank: What?
(the other major says something else)
Frank: I beg your pardon! I'm a married man--I've got kids--and everything!
(the other major says something else)
Frank: No, I won't call you again and don't you ever call me! (hangs up)

(After Hawkeye tries to say something in Korean)
Captain Pak: Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet.
Hawkeye: Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp?"
Pak: No, it's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage."
(After Hawkeye says something else in Korean)
Pak: Sorry to hear that.
Hawkeye: What?
Pak: Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.

Lieutenant Harper: Are you men doctors?
Hawkeye: Only when the moon is full.

Pak (to Henry): Well, looks like you got trouble right here in Pregnant City.

As You Were

Frank (delirious from being injected with a sedative): Fred?
Hawkeye (looking at Frank a little funny): Yes, Frank?
Frank: Do you think the principal saw us?
Hawkeye (throughly spooked):...Corporal.
(Hawkeye stands up)

Trapper (looking skyward as the 4077 is shelled): Aw, shut up.

Radar (on the phone): We're getting a lot of near misses here, could you find out who's doing it? YOU'RE doing it? Listen buddy, we're a hospital! How would you like it if we fired patients at you!?

Trapper (listening to Radar play the piano): Hey Radar, don't you know another song?
Hawkeye: He doesn't even know THAT one.

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Due to a lack of casualties, tonight's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 AM. And midnight has been cancelled.

Frank (to Hawkeye and Trapper who are in gorilla costumes): I've had this condition for some time.
Hawkeye: Why do people always wait so long to go to their gorilla?
Frank: Well, I was wondering if you guys would operate on me.
Hawkeye: One minute, while I check with my colleague.
(Both "gorillas" scream and crawl around for a few seconds.)
Hawkeye: We'll do it - me and the missus.

Frank (from inside crate): I'm boxed in!
Trapper: We all feel that way sometimes, Frank.

Crisis

Frank (in Henry's office): What if the minutemen in 1776 had stopped to worry about, 'toilet paper'!
Hawkeye: So we would have had independence ten minutes later.

Trapper (who wants some sleep): What do you say we all observe about eight hours of silence!

Henry (coming from the bathroom): Excuse me, Burns. Keep the brass monkeys in tonight.

Henry: According to Regimental, the fighting shifted to the north and we won't be getting any casualties.
Hawkeye: That's the same Regimental that said to Custer, 'One last stand and then you can go home.'

Henry: This will be a real test of my leadershipmanship, sooo.....(drinks shot Radar has poured him)...No booze!

Henry (pointing to his desk, which has been used in part for firewood): But to cut off a man's legs and steal his drawers!

Mulcahy (after chaos builds up in the Swamp): Maybe I'll sleep in the nurses tent...what am I saying?

Henry (a few seconds after settling into his sleeping bag): Ah rats! I have to go to the sandbox.

Radar (directing additional cots to be moved into the Swamp): By order of Corporal O'Reilly, Housing Officer.
Trapper (tossing Radar's clipboard into the stove): By order of Captain McIntyre, Heating Officer.

Hawkeye (climbing out of the cold, overcrowded Swamp in the middle of the night to the call of incoming casualties): I knew all this was too good to last.

Hawkeye: Well, do you see anybody else pressing the soft underbellybutton!?

Trapper: Welcome to the Henry Blake Cliche Festival.

Henry: Just park your heinie.

Frank (in Henry's office): There you go. There's your lounge lizard at war.
Trapper: Hold it! That one I gotta write down.

Henry: Now before this is over we may have to double up and triple up to save heat. Radar will be in charge of who sleeps with who.
Trapper: Radar, I'd like to see you right after the meeting.

George

Frank: I found out something about someone that is very interesting--very interesting.
Trapper: Let us guess.
Hawkeye: Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse who's bigger than the breadbox you're seeing on the side?
Frank: No...(realizes what Hawkeye said)...no!

Frank: The man is not normal!
Hawkeye: What's normal, Frank?
Frank: Normal is everybody doing the same thing.
Trapper: What about individuality?
Frank: Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together.

Hawkeye (to a portrait of Frank's mother): Mrs. Burns, I'm Doctor Pierce. I'm afraid your son is suffering from terminal righteousness.

Radar: He's insisting!
Trapper: Since when is insisting forcing?
Hawkeye: I honestly believe Henry Blake could be held up through the mail.

Mail Call

Henry (to Klinger): What's the problem, as if I don't already have it tattooed on my forehead.

Klinger (reading an alleged letter from home): "Dear Son"--
Henry: You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.

Henry (pulling out Klinger's file): Here we go. Father dying, right?
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Henry (going through letters in Klinger's file): Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. (puts file down) Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Klinger: Yes sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.

Hawkeye (about Frank): He got a letter written in mumble.

A Smattering of Intelligence

Flagg (dictating a message): Read that back to me.
Radar: To the "Far East Import Company",Ti-ja-wana, Mexico. Mary had a little lamb...my dog has fleas.
Flagg: Ok...Mares eat oats and does eat oats...and I'll be home for christmas. Sign it..."Your loving son...Queen Victoria."
(Radar looks totally confused)

Radar (coming into the office): Sir, there's a Captain Stone outside/inside now sir.
Henry: Captain Stone...
Stone: My name's not "Stone".
Blake: (whispering to himself): Oh, boy...

Flagg: It all depends on HQ.
Henry: HQ.
Flagg: Why did you say HQ? Whoever told you about HQ?
Henry: Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg.
Flagg: Who's Colonel Flagg?

Pratt (referring to Flagg): Another time, he crashed his Jeep into a wall and set himself on fire.
Hawkeye: Is this guy available for kids' parties?

Flagg: Colonel, I'm authorized to kill without requesting permission from my superiors.

Pratt: Well believe me, if I know Flagg, he ordered the chopper to crash, got out and hit himself with a hammer.

Season 3

The General Flipped at Dawn

General Steele: I predict an early end to the war, if it doesn't rain and we get all wet.

General Steele (to Father Mulcahy in formation): There are no Atheists in foxholes!
Father Mulcahy: I've heard that.

(General Steele is court-martialling Hawkeye before moving the 4077th closer to the front and is currently interrogating Black chopper pilot Marty Williams.)
Steele: Williams, I want you to know there are no charges against you. You simply obeyed the order of a superior--the sign of a good soldier. Now, feel at ease, and just tell me, in your own words, the incident at the helicopter pad at 0900 hours, but first a number.
Williams (confused): Sir?
Steele: You know, a musical number.
(Williams looks hopelessly at Hawkeye and Henry)
General Steele: You've got in your blood, boy. Just let it out! (sings "Mississippi Mud" and dances out of the Mess Tent)
Hawkeye: I take it we don't have to leave.
Henry: Only the general does.
Hawkeye: In a rubber truck.

Hawkeye (talking about the promoted General Steele): Crazy? A three star general? Hit it!
(Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry Blake walk out singing 'Mississippi Mud')

Trapper: Hey, word's out that General's a little bit el wacko.
Radar: He made me polish the bottom of his boots and put starch in his socks.

(Klinger appears before Gen. Steele in a dress)
Steele (harsh whisper to Klinger): Not now, Margerie! I'm inspecting the troops!

Steele (to Radar in formation): The Irish were rotten Indian fighters! (notices his corporal stripes) Non-coms--the backbone of the service. Where are you from, son?
Radar: Iowa, sir.
Steele: No talking in ranks!!!

Steele: MASH means Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, and mobile you shall be!

Steele: You're insubordinate!
Hawkeye: Right!
Steele: You're insolent!
Hawkeye: Right! And you're NUTS!

Hawkeye: That general is nuts! I've seen that look in every Hitchcock movie.

Steele: War and whiskey don't mix! General Grant kept throwing up on his bugler.

Rainbow Bridge

Hawkeye: Frank, the R-E-D speaks English better than Y-O-U do.

Hawkeye: Look, you're doing something really decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Don't endanger nine men because one idiot wants to do his General Custer impression.

Frank: When are you gonna learn about Chinese treachery? Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?

Frank: Right in the middle of the yellow horde's ballpark.
Hawkeye: Frank?
Frank: Hmmm?
Hawkeye: If you say yellow horde one more time while the war is still in motion, I'm gonna cut out your tongue and use it for a pen wiper.

Henry: Oh, yes. I'm afraid this is a command decision. It's 'lonely at the top' time. Strictly something for your leader.
Hawkeye: Well, Henry?
Henry: Oh, golly, whatever you people decide is fine with me.

Margaret: Frank, there isn't a man in this war who isn't afraid...including me!

Margaret: May I please say something?
Trapper: Anything but "yellow horde".
Hawkeye: (Talking about Frank) That's his.

Officer of the Day

Hawkeye: (as MP remands a sheepish Klinger) Klinger, Klinger, where did your mother and I go wrong?

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

Frank: FINGERNAIL POLISH!
Klinger: Flame D'Armour, sir.
Frank: And EARRINGS!?
Klinger: They match the ring, sir. I'm a symphony in coordination.

Hawkeye: Very good, Radar, your report is concise, informative, and makes no sense whatsoever.

Hawkeye: I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.

Flagg (trying to remember Hawkeye's name): Perkins, Captain Perkins.
Hawkeye: Pierce.
Flagg: That's what I said, Captain Pierce.
Hawkeye: Right, Perkins.

Trapper: Hi, Frank.
Frank: That doesn't scare me one bit.

Hawkeye: My kidneys were expecting orange juice. Silly kidneys.

Trapper: Bye, Frank.
Frank: That was totally uncalled for.

Klinger: Sir, I wouldn't care if my record said that I was a bed bug!

Klinger: If I don't have some time off, I'm gonna stick my nose in a chopper blade!

Margaret: Captain Pierce, Major Burns, acting commander, and I his adjutant have been informed that you and Captain McIntyre refuse to release Colonel Flagg's prisoner.
Hawkeye: Meanwhile Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the woods, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town.

Hawkeye: I dreamed I was walking along the beach with my mother. There was this giant bleached-out Frank Burns lying on the sand, his white belly shining in the sun.
Frank: Pierce.
Hawkeye: I said "Mommy, can I touch it?" And she said "Be careful, son. The dullness rubs off."

Iron Guts Kelly

Hawkeye (looking at the dead General Kelly): If his last words were, "I shall return", don't wait.

Hawkeye (talking about the dead General Kelly): It means his pearl handles are up for grabs now.

Henry (after hearing General Kelly's aide revealing a plan to get rid of Kelly's body): Guys.
Trapper: Yes, Henry?
Henry: Is he talking about killing a general that's already dead?
Trapper: That's right, Henry.
Henry: Well, isn't that kinda crazy?
Wortman (on phone arranging death scene near show-end): And rockets--I want plenty of rockets.
Hawkeye: That's for the red glare.

Colonel Wortman: That's not a teddy bear!?
Radar: Uh yes, sir. Regulations against having the real kind.

Frank: Everything ship shape in here?
Trapper: Aye aye, sir.
Hawkeye: Except the camp is taking on water.

Margaret (in her tent, referring to Kelly): This has never happened to me before.
Hawkeye: I'm sure it was a first for him, too.

Trapper: Another day in the R-O-K. (stands for Republic of Korea)

Hawkeye: There's also another Zen saying: 'Only doctors with holes in head sign death certificates like gift vouchers.'

Trapper: He died with his boots on.
Hawkeye: And his socks off.

O.R.

Sidney: Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

Hawkeye: I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.

Sidney: Some patients insist on dying, Hawk. You knew that going in. But you had to be a doctor.
Hawkeye: I didn't have a choice, it's all ever I cared about, all I ever wanted to do. Sometimes I think I'd be more useful as a cocktail waitress.
Sidney: You haven't got the legs for it.

Radar (seeing Henry's patient): Whoa.
Henry: See what happens when you play with guns?

Radar: Klinger, get over to the mess tent, all the guys are giving blood.
Klinger (imitating Dracula): Blood! I must give blood . . . or die!

Henry: Klinger, take that dress off at once!
Hawkeye: Not in front of Trapper, he's a married man.

(after Trapper puts the fire out)
Frank: You could have blown us all up!
Margaret: How did you know there wasn't ALCOHOL in that basin?
Trapper: Look, I'm sorry! Maybe you'd like the fire back!

Klinger: Remember me, sir? Corporal Klinger?
Sidney: Remember you? I had to buy an extra cabinet for your file.
Klinger: How about it, Major? Any chance for a section eight?
Sidney: Klinger, there are at least 17 guys in dresses ahead of you... and some smart stuff!
Klinger: Wait a minute! There's something else: I'm beginning to wet the bed. Anything?
Sidney: Get yourself a pair of rubber bloomers.

Trapper: Does anyone smell something burning?
Radar: (holding up a hamburger for Trapper to see)No, but we got hamburgers!

Springtime

Hawkeye (to dishevelled Radar at show-end): Radar, what happened?
Radar: I don't know. I think I've been slaked.

Margaret (to Klinger at beginning of wedding): You have your nerve wearing white.
Klinger: Jealous?

Hawkeye: We gotta get our food, Lyle.
Trapper: Don't say that, he'll skewer the cook.

Check Up

Hawkeye: Thanks, Trap.
Trapper: What?
Hawkeye: You made it bearable. I was lucky. You were honest, and open, and let me lean on you.
Trapper: No charge.

Igor (getting his physical): Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhh.
Trapper: Don't swallow the doctor.

Hawkeye: Step behind the screen and drop your pants.
Trapper (to Klinger): Step behind the screen and raise your skirt.

Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking.
Trapper: All right.
Hawkeye: Let's never stop.

(Radar peels off layer after layer of clothes)

Henry: Radar, there IS a you under there, isn't there?
Radar: I'm getting to me, sir.
Henry: Did somebody naked scare you once?

Henry (about Radar's tattoo): Radar, getting one of those is very unsanitary.
Radar: Oh, I washed my hands first, sir.

Life With Father

Margaret: Maybe we should talk to her for a second.
Frank: That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness.

Hawkeye: Who's yours from, Trap?
Trapper: My five-year old. Or my wife has started writing in crayon.

Alcoholics Unaminous

PA Announcement (during a downpour): Attention, all personnel. Seoul HQ reports that rain is expected this evening.
(Hawkeye holds out his hand as rain drips on it)
Hawkeye: That's a lot they know.

Hawkeye: The instrument has yet to be invented that can measure my indifference to that remark.

Frank: The men detest me, don't they?

Frank: Lemmings must be directed to the sea.

Hawkeye (to Trapper, walking into Mess Tent): Would you mind sucking in your shoulders?
Trapper: Pardon my build.

There Is Nothing Like a Nurse

(Radar looks out the window in Blake's office to see the enemy plane)
Radar: Hey he's dropping something...Holy Cow! It's five o’clock Charlie!
(Henry bumps his head under his desk)
Henry: That idiot? That's the raid?
Hawkeye: He couldn't hit the side of a war.

Trapper (during projection screen set-up to Klinger): Don't stand in the light!
Hawkeye: You little heartbreaker.

Klinger (about Louise Burns in wedding film): I hate that hat.

Henry (about Louise Burns in wedding film): Do you think she'll take off her glasses?

Trapper (during Frank's wedding film): That little girl looks like you, Radar.
Klinger: No, the little girl's taller.

Hawkeye (to Frank in the film of his wedding): Don't do it, Frank!
Henry: You'll be sorry!
Hawkeye: Say no, Frank!

Hawkeye (as Frank in the movie is about to cut the wedding cake): Watch the cake die of malpractice.

Klinger (at film end): B-thp, b-thp, b-thp, that's all folks.

Hawkeye: I'd like a dry martini, Mr. Kwak, a very dry martini. A very dry, arid, barren, desiccated, veritable dustbowl of a martini. I want a martini than can be declared a disaster area. Mix me just such a martini.

Radar (busting into Henry's office): Sir, HQ says that we could be expecting an enemy attack!
Henry (having somewhat of a hangover): Radar, that's the nicest thing I've heard today.

Henry: You now, Major, you and your nurses can be a real pain in the butt. If you're not in here every five minutes complaining about them, they're in here saying you're Hermann Goering in drag!
Margaret: Which one of them said that?!?!
Henry: I'm not finking, Major.

Henry (after Margaret comes barging into his office complaining): Radar, turn on the radio. Maybe the war's over and I won't have to talk to her.

Adam's Ribs

Trapper (at show end as ribs are being served): Should we say grace?
Hawkeye: Praise the Lord, and pass the sauce.

Igor: We have liver or fish.
Hawkeye: I didn't hear you say that, because it isn't possible. It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day! The Geneva Convention prohibits the killing of our taste buds! I simply cannot eat the same food every day! Fish, liver, day after day! I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions! Are we gonna stand for this?! Are we gonna let them do this to us?! No! I say, no!! We're not gonna eat this dreck anymore!! (He hurls the food on his tray towards the tent screen where Klinger and Radar are sitting. They both duck.) WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!! WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!!
(Hawkeye gets everyone else in the mess tent to join in the chant, including the cooks)
Hawkeye & everybody in mess tent: WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!! WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!! WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!!
(Hawkeye jumps up on top of one of the tables)
Hawkeye: Draftees of the world arise!!! You have nothing to lose but your cookies!!!
(Cuts to CO's office)
Henry Blake: Damn it, Pierce! Who do you think you are?

PA Announcement: Due to conditions beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.

Major Pfeifer: You think because you save lives it's important.

Father Mulcahy: Shouldn't we say grace?
Hawkeye: Praise the Lord and pass the sauce.

Hawkeye: DAMN IT! I forgot to order cole slaw!

A Full Rich Day

Hawkeye (seeing the Luxemborg soldier): I thought you said he was dead.
Trapper: He got better.

Frank (referring to the Turk's knife): I'm not interested in mock heroism.
Klinger: I'll settle for the real thing, sir.

Frank: Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress...tonight!
Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!

(Lieutenant Smith cocks his rifle)
Radar (to Frank): Sir...that's one of those new guns, can shoot 30 corporals a second.

Frank: I don't care what Captain McIntyre said, I have never cared, and at this point I don't care twice as much as I never cared before!

Mad Dogs and Servicemen

Radar (about the dog): Just a mutt. I give it stuff from the kitchen...although I don't like being cruel to animals.

Frank: I'm taking this to a higher authority!
Trapper: Aw, Frank...you're not going to call your mother again.

Henry: Frank, whatever it is, just write it down and put it on my desk where I can't find it.

Frank: Margaret, I was wrong.
Henry: You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you.

Frank: Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.

Private Charles Lamb

Henry (talking to Hawkeye and Trapper about a missing lamb): Do I know, Do I know anything? Everything in this country disappears but me. Boy, I'd like to wake up one morning look down and find myself gone.

PA Announcement: Attention: Anyone who knows the whereabouts of tonight's dinner, please report to Col. Blake. In the mean time, please be on the lookout for a white Caucasian lamb. He's considered to be unarmed and delicious.

Henry: Col. Andropolis has the thing (a lamb) flown in from Greece and now the damn lamb's flown the coop!

Trapper: Henry's not here.
Hawkeye: Are you sure? Sometimes when he's here I get that feeling.

Radar: And you signed an emergency leave for one of the men.
Henry: Which one of the men?
Radar: Private Charles Lamb.
Henry: I don't know any Private Charles Lamb.
Radar: Oh yes, you do sir. Short fellow? Curly hair? He had to take an emergency leave.
Henry: Death in the family?
Radar: Almost.

Henry: I gave a discharge to a sheep!?
Radar: He's on his way to Tokyo now.
Hawkeye: On Bo-Peep Airlines.

Trapper: Frank, you can only fool some of the papal some of the time.

Henry: Abyssinia.

Henry: UN command in Seoul called. Boy am I in Dutch with the Greeks.

Bombed

Klinger: Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't, knock twice.
(Henry knocks twice)
Klinger: Good lord, he's dead.

Bulletin Board

Trapper: What's the announcement, Radar?
Radar: It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
Hawkeye: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

Frank: Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel, tonight's movie is a holdover from last week, and it will be shown right after supper, which is also a holdover from last week.

The Consultant

Trapper: Where'd you learn to drive?
Radar: The bumper cars.
Trapper: Figures.
Hawkeye: My kidney's lawyer will call you in the morning.

Major Taylor: A British artery in an American leg, eh?
Hawkeye: Right.
Major Taylor: Probably develop an irresistible urge to drive on the left side of the road.
Hawkeye: Quite.

Henry: Bring me back something.
Hawkeye: No chance. We're gonna be careful.

Frank: Colonel, you are not listening to me!
Henry: Uh, you'll have to speak a little louder, Frank. I'm not listening to you.

Borelli: I'm a doctor who's not really a major.
Hawkeye: Perfect. Frank's a major who's not really a doctor.

House Arrest

Hawkeye: Frank, would you mind not combing your hair so loud?
Frank: I have VERY quiet hair.

Henry: Klinger, it's four in the afternoon and you're still in a housecoat? Put on a dress!

Hawkeye (referring to his prisoner of war package): Father, why?
Mulcahy: Oh, according to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package. You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin, a wash cloth, and four oreo cookies.
Hawkeye: Father, that's for a prisoner of war. I'm one of ours.
Mulcahy: In the eyes of the Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner.
Hawkeye: Well, thanks. And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me.
Mulcahy: Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it.

(Hawkeye sighs)
Trapper: What's the matter?
Hawkeye: I have a stomach ache. I think you ate my meal too fast.

PA Announcement: Attention, due to last's night's groping, tomorrow night's movie will be shown with the lights on.

Frank (when Trapper comes into the Swamp with Hawkeye's dinner): What'd you have for dinner, MacIntyre?
Trapper: Hash.
Frank: With a poached egg?
Trapper: That, or an eye was looking out of it.

Hawkeye (watching a movie): What; what'd I miss?
Henry: Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney.
Hawkeye: On the teeth?
Trapper: Right smack on.
Hawkeye: If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him.

Henry: Why did you have your pants lengthened three inches?
Radar: They were chafing, sir.
Henry: Well, a little baby powder will take care of that.
Radar: I'd rather let my pants down, sir!

(after Frank is accused of rape)

Hawkeye: I don't want him sharing my house arrest!
Maragret: You're innocent, Captain. (to Frank) You tripped on a bar of soap!

Aid Station

(explosions)
Margaret: Are they getting closer?
Hawkeye: It's an optical illusion. You can't tell me they'd kill a medical person on a mission of mercy.
Margaret: They've already killed one surgeon here.
Hawkeye: I told you, you can't tell me that.

Frank: Are you worried about them?
Henry: I sent them, remember Frank? Their commanding officer? Back home my biggest decisions are whether or not have my own bowling ball made and do I get the cat fixed. Sending people to the front's just not my speed.

Hawkeye (about breakfast): This looks familiar.
Trapper: I once cut that up in med school.

Klinger: What's this morning's breakfast?
Trapper: Last night's dinner.
Klinger: Great, that was yesterday's lunch.

Margaret: I don't think it's asking too much for officers to be military at breakfast.
Trapper: I can't throw up and salute at the same time.

Henry: Frank, it's after six o'clock, you can stop being snotty.

Love and Marriage

(talking to Dr. Pak)
Hawkeye: Are you still doing those phony operations with the fake stitches?
Trapper: And using hair cream for penicillin?
Hawkeye: I examined one of your patients, Doctor. He still had pneumonia, but I must say, you cleared up his dandruff.

Hawkeye: You know sir, you just might go down in medical history.
Pak: How so?
Hawkeye: As the first Doctor ever to set two broken legs, and both of them his own.

Hawkeye: She's about to give birth.
Radar: Right here!? On this bus!? In front of me!?
Hawkeye: Yes, right here on this bus! What do I do, give her a transfer? Tell her to wait?

McShane: Really, sir...
Trapper: You give me one more "sir" and I'm going to prescribe you a 24-hour enema!

Trapper: You think we like playing around with the nurses? We have to; it's part of their recruiting program.
Sgt. Zale: If there was one of those big-mouthed sergeants here, he'd say "blow it out your stethoscope", sir.

Big Mac

Frank: As adjutant and assistant chief surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.
Margaret: How splendid, Major.
Henry: Very good, Frank.
Trapper: Lovely.
Hawkeye: Then it's settled. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.

Margaret: Colonel Whiteman, I would just like to say that this disrespectful attitude is in no way shared by myself or Major Burns on my right.
Trapper: On your right what?

Frank: I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.
Hawkeye: Her father was a horse. Did you know that?
Trapper: Our engagement is off.

Whiteman: Now then, after lunch...
Hawkeye: And the barfing thereof.

Frank: Pierce using a textbook?
Margaret: Orthopedic case.
Frank: Dummkopf. All right, let's put him under, shall we? Watch this. Need any help, Pierce?
Hawkeye: No thanks, I'd rather save the patient...

Payday

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Due to the incredible mediocrity of last night's movie, it will be shown again tonight at 2100 hours.

Hawkeye (counting out a soldier's pay): I hope this is right. I'm just an ordinary chest-cutter. I can't make change for anything over two nurses.

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. The eagle screams today. It's payday. All personnel kindly form an orderly stampede.

Henry: Boy, I wish I knew what was going on.
Radar: I'll tell you later, sir.
Henry: You always say that Radar, but you never do.

Quoc (referring to Frank): He had what we call in Korea a real "fertilizer face."

Hawkeye: Mr. Kwang, I'd like to buy South Korea a drink.

White Gold

Flagg: My orders are to do whatever it takes to break up this penicillin ring, and I have written permission to die in the attempt!

Klinger (on guard duty): Halt! Who goes there?
Henry: Outta the way, Klinger.
Klinger: I've gotta have the password, Colonel.
Henry: Bullfeathers!
Klinger: That was LAST week's password.

Margaret (about Flagg): He's CIA!
Hawkeye: I wouldn't care if he was COD.
Trapper: Then we could refuse him.

Henry (about Flagg): His head's so twisted, he's gotta screw his cap on!

Hawkeye: Grandfather left me his lips. He died in mid-pucker.

Abyssinia, Henry

Henry: (talking to Radar; his last line in the series) You behave yourself, or I'm gonna come back here and kick your butt!

Henry: Klinger, that outfit just might get you that section 8!

Henry: How'd you know my size?
Radar: (proudly) I traced you while you were asleep!

Trapper (his last line in the series): Radar, put a mask on!

Henry: A whole lotta bark came off of ol' number three!

Radar: (walking very slowly into the OR, shortly after Blake's departure) I have a message: Lt. Col... Henry Blake's plane...was shot down... over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors. (he leaves, fighting tears)

Season 4

Welcome to Korea

Frank (referring to Klinger wearing a woman's hat to assembly): Klinger! How dare you wear that hat while in uniform!
Klinger: It's spring, sir!

Hawkeye: Stop here, driver. The corner of Forty-Second Street and Filth Avenue.

Hawkeye (referring to a soldier): Forget it. He's had it.
BJ: We have to TRY! (Turns soldier over, takes one look. Puts soldier back down, crawls short distance and vomits)

Hawkeye (in a loud, military voice): Forward--drink!

Frank: Pierce, you need to sign in upon returning to the camp.
Hawkeye: Hello honey, I'm home.

Hawkeye: There's no Jeep here Radar, there's only a whole lot of here, here.

Radar: You're not sober, sir.
Hawkeye: Oh boy, I would really resent that if I wasn't drunk.

BJ (upon arrival to camp; first statement to Frank): What say you, Ferret Face?

Radar: Wow there's real grape flavor in this.
Hawkeye:Tough it out cowboy.

Hawkeye:(to a newly arrived BJ) One of the first things you'll learn here is that insanity is like the common cold.

Change of Command

Klinger: Colonel Potter, sir! Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, head to toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be married in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out!
Potter: Horse hockey. I've been in this man's army forty years. Seen all the tricks. Knew a private who said he was a mare. Carried a colt in his arms for weeks. Knew another fellow who said he was a daisy. Insisted we water him every morning. No, no, Corporal, that ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that froufrou and into a uniform. And you stay in uniform.

Radar (over the PA): Attention! By command of the new Commanding Officer, all officers report to the Commanding Officer's office, sirs!

Frank: Another week of command and I'd have had you out of that dress!
Klinger: I'm not that easy.

It Happened One Night

Frank: He's...Chinese.
Hawkeye: You don't have to whisper Frank, he knows he's Chinese.

(BJ is outside the Swamp, a thump is heard)
BJ: Rats. (he comes inside)
Hawkeye: What'd you bump into?
BJ: Just what I said. Rats.

Hawkeye: Lie down and rest.
Klinger: I'd rather do it in my own bed.
Hawkeye: Alright, go back to your tent.
Klinger: My bed in Toledo.

Jenkins: Halt, who goes there?
Radar: It's the Colonel.
Jenkins: Oh, sorry, go ahead, sir.
Potter: Don't you want to know the password?
Jenkins: I already know it, sir.

Klinger: Thats it, my life's passing before me. Ma, Pa, Laverne. Goodbye. So long, Harry, Freda, Paul. I'm comin' Uncle Jake. I'm too young. No, no, no!
Hawkeye: Could you at least bleed?

The Late Captain Pierce

Hawkeye (to BJ): It doesn't matter if I'm here or not. Trapper went home and they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out.

Hawkeye: I, personally myself have been dead.
Potter: We're all a little tired, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: Not dead tired, Colonel, dead dead. As in doornail. My corpus has been declared delicti.

BJ: This doesn't make sense.
Klinger: You want me to wake you when something makes sense? You'll sleep through the whole war!

PA Announcement: Attention, all personnel: Come one, come all, to a wake for the late great Captain Pierce. Will be mourning all afternoon and evening. The deceased will deliver the eulogy... and the guests will have 20 minutes for rebuttal. Remains to be seen in the Swamp.

Hawkeye: Dear Dad, I am not dead. Stop. Hope you are the same. Stop. Thinking of selling my clubs? Stop! Spending my insurance money? Stop!!

(at Hawkeye's "wake")
BJ: For he was a jolly good fellow...
Potter: He was a jolly good fellow...
Everyone: He was a jolly good fellow...
Hawkeye: I was much too young to die.

Digger: Whaddya want, Doc?
Hawkeye: The Final Reward, please, and step on it! Let's go, Digger, I'm not getting any younger. Where do I sit?
Digger: Nobody ever sits on this bus but me, Doc. I can't take passengers, sir!
Hawkeye: I'm not a passenger, I'm cargo.

Klinger: Colonel Potter gave [Radar] a few days in Seoul. He was flipping out a little; he started to put carbon paper in the latrines.

BJ: If I'm lucky I'll get into the sack before Frank starts pledging allegiance in his sleep.

Hey, Doc

(Frank and Margaret are in Margaret's tent)
Hawkeye (from outside): Frank, are you in there?
Frank: They're trying to catch us at something.
Margaret: We're not DOING anything.
Frank: Oh, yeah. Who'd have thought?

The Bus

Frank (into walkie-talkie): Attention all Allied personnel: There are many stars out tonight, but we seem to be underneath the brightest one.
Hawkeye: Very good, Frank.
BJ: They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.

Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.
Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.

Radar: Holy socks!
Potter:What's wrong,Radar?
Radar:I don't know,sir,she won't start.
Frank:Oh,swell we can't go forward and we can't go back!
Hawkeye:It's a sign from heaven.The war's over!
B.J:Now what?
Hawkeye:We burn our uniforms,go home,get married,and breed a new batch of draftees for the next one.
B.J:Hear,hear!
Potter:Let's finish this one first shall we?

Potter:Find anything?
B.J:Just woods and more woods.
Hawkeye:I met a little girl with a basket of goodies for her grandma.
B.J:Was she wearing a little red hood?
Hawkeye:Actually,she was with seven little dwarfs.
B.J:She's in the wrong woods.
Hawkeye:Or the wrong story.
Potter:Are you finished,doctors?
Hawkeye:Are you...?
B.J. nods: Yes.

Dear Mildred

Frank (after Radar walks in unannounced): Do you know how to knock, soldier?
Radar: Yes, sir. (knocks on the bed)

Hawkeye: We have four rifles here and one of them is a reading lamp.

Radar (about Frank): I'm probably responsible for his leaving.
BJ: You should come here more often.

Potter: I ran into Majors Burns and Houlihan. She's the head nurse, he's the head twerp.

The Kids

Klinger (feeding a little girl): I hope you like this. Some of it was cooked before you were born.

Margaret: Are you just going to stand there joking around or are you going to help me?
Klinger: Major, I guess you haven't noticed, this is NOT a house dress.
Margaret: Go get into your fatigues!
Klinger: Fatigues in the evening!?

(Father Mulcahy walks up to the operating table)
Mulcahy: May I be of any help?
Nurse Cratty: Everybody has, Father. You might as well bring in the Chairman of the Board. (referring to God)

Hawkeye: Bite your tongue, Margaret. Or better yet, let me do it.

Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler?

Sidney (talking to Col. Flagg): I'd love to stay and chat with ya, but with your schizophrenia I’d have to charge you double time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I’ve already kept Jesus waiting five minutes.

Sidney (about Flagg): He's got a few bugs in his filter.
BJ (about Flagg): I think he's been sniffing his invisible ink.

Sidney: Some men lose an arm, or a hand, or a leg. Chandler lost himself.

Flagg: You are very smart, Freedman.
Hawkeye: I told you.
Flagg: You're only saying Chandler flipped out so I will have you busted and you can return to your safe cozy civilian practice.
BJ: He's on to you, Sid.
Flagg: You're not smart Freedman, you're dumb, very dumb! But you met your match in ME!

Flagg: What are you doing?
Radar: Working, sir.
Flagg: Let's see how fast you can do it.
Radar: Watch this.
(slams cabinet closed)

Sidney: Captain, is it true that God answers all prayers?
Chandler: Yes. Sometimes the answer is no.

Dear Peggy

Potter: Burns, can't you see Pierce is just trying to boost morale?
Frank Well, my morale is fine. I love it here.
Potter: Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I gotta figure out which one.

(Hawkeye is teaching Koreans to speak English)
Hawkeye: I will get the nurse.
South Koreans (with limited English): I will get the nurse.
Hawkeye: Frank Burns eats worms.
South Koreans: Frank Burns eats worms.

(at show end)
Mulcahy: (talking about a patient): Is he going to be all right?
Hawkeye: Well, we could be bombed, there could be an avalanche, or Frank could operate on him again.
Frank: Twerp.
(Hawkeye turns and points to the South Koreans)
South Koreans: You tell him, Ferret Face.

Of Moose and Men

Colonel Spiker (about Hawkeye): No respect for the uniform.
Potter: Well, he's never in it anyway.

BJ: Sergeant, you can't drink this early in the morning. I know, I've tried.

Frank (about wounded North Korean): Be careful, he could be rigged.
Hawkeye: His shorts could go off any second.

Soldier of the Month

Frank (dictating his will): To Major Margaret Houlihan...my little soldier...I leave all my clothes.

Sergeant Zale: I know a lot of state capitals. I'll show you. Ask me the capital of Cleveland!

Igor (ignoring a question from Hawkeye): I thought there were going to be refreshments here.

The Gun

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Attention. Tonight's movie is Kansas City Confidential. This will be of special interest to anyone who missed it when it was shown every night this month.

Colonel Chaffey: Corporal, you're drunk.
Radar: You better believe it, mister, or I'm dead where you stand! (BANG!) My bear went off!

Radar: I'll be going to jail in my puberty and not coming out until my adultery.

Mail Call Again

Frank: Hello? Louise, it's me, Frank.
Radar (Whispering to Frank): Frank Burns.
Frank (To Louise): Frank Burns.

Radar (reading aloud what his mother is saying in her home movie): "I love you, Walter."
BJ: Gee Dad, talkies.
Mulcahy: Who's Walter?
Radar: Oh, that's my given name.
Hawkeye: Give it back.

The Price of Tomato Juice

Frank: You're losing half of your applesauce! Apples don't grow on trees you know.

Frank: Courage is just something you can't be afraid to have.

Potter: I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son and he dresses a lot like my wife.

B.J.: (about a fly in his coffee) Look at him, he's doing the Australian crawl.
Hawkeye: Go Yale!

Dear Ma

Hawkeye (after a soldier salutes him): You'd better be prepared to explain that!

Margaret: Make sure no one goes into my tent.
Radar: I wouldn't do that, Ma'am.
Margaret: SOMEBODY does.
Radar: Maybe it's rats.
Margaret: You think RATS have been trying on my undies?
Radar: Some of them rats are weird.

Potter: My can's throbbing two beats faster than my heart.

Klinger: My mother had those. Had a premonition about Pearl Harbor.
Radar: Did she tell anybody?
Klinger: She didn't have it 'til December 9th.

(inspecting Hot Lips' feet)
Hawkeye: Is that a pretty foot, corporal?
Radar: I wouldn't know, I'm not a doctor.

Frank: I wouldn't let him touch my feet with a ten foot pole.
Hawkeye: Radar, cancel the ten foot pole; Stretch Pulaski, tallest Pole you ever saw.

Hawkeye (giving Klinger a full inspection): Why is your little toenail missing?
Klinger: I put my pinkie in the pencil sharpener at the Draft Board.
Radar: You did not!
Klinger: When I lowered my pants, there was a rose in my shorts.

Der Tag

Frank Burns' Toe Tag: Emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt.

Hawkeye

Hawkeye: If somebody doesn't come soon and put a Band-Aid on my memory it's all going to come spilling out.

Hawkeye (speaking to a pregnant Korean woman): By the way, I'm a doctor and I can tell you for certain that you're pregnant. And we know what causes that nowadays too.

Hawkeye: Why do I get the feeling I'm speaking in ever-diminishing circles until I disappear up my own mouth hole?

Hawkeye (looking in the mirror): Oh, look at him. And I thought I was in trouble.

Hawkeye: I don't want to get any dirt on your wall-to-wall dirt.

Hawkeye: What force brought us together in such fantastic complexity?

Hawkeye: Meat? Where'd you get meat? This is fantastic! Wait...where's the dog? (Sees the dog come in) This is fantastic!

Some 38th Parallels

Colonel Coner: Our losses were insignificant.
Hawkeye: How many kids in an insignificant?

Frank (after seeing the garbage dumped on the Colonel): I had dreams like this all through puberty!

The Novocaine Mutiny

BJ (about Frank's command): On the very first day, Frank observed that the M in MASH stood for Mobile. So he had us break down the entire unit and move it across the road.

(Discussing who Klinger is and the reason for his entire wardrobe)
Colonel Carmichael: This Corporal Klinger... she's a nurse?
Radar: (laughs, then catches himself) Oh, no sir.
BJ: If I may sir, Corporal Klinger's a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian, toward that end he dresses, uh--
Hawkeye: In dresses.
Colonel Carmichael: Bucking for a Section 8?
Potter: The man does his job; I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.
Hawkeye: Unless, of course Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.

Carmichael: You appreciate the gravity of this hearing, Corporal?
Radar: Oh, yes, sir.
Carmichael: If eventually found guilty, Captain Pierce could be hanged.
Hawkeye: Why does he keep saying that?
BJ: It will never happen...probably.

Frank: I'm here to discuss something besides underwear.
BJ: Make it brief.
Hawkeye: Oh, ho ho. That's very bad.
BJ: Not funny, but fast.

BJ: Colonel Potter's chair wasn't even cold before Frank decided to re-create the 4077 in his own weird image.
Frank: I object to the word, "weird."
BJ: Then how about warped? Bizarre? Bomby?
Hawkeye: Perverted? Loony? Loopy?
Radar: Dippy?
Frank: I'm going to sue all of you!
Hawkeye: No doubt for definition of character.

Carmichael: I'm certain you comprehend the seriousness of your charge, Major. The penalty for mutiny, after all, is death or such other punishment as the court may direct.
Frank: I comprehend okay, death or worse. (he gives a look to Hawkeye)
Hawkeye: Besides my life, Frank wants my virginity.
BJ: We all do.
Hawkeye: If only I'd known.

Frank: The way I see it, unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.

Frank: (Searching for the "stolen" money) I don't think you guys did it. Officers don't steal.
BJ: Right. We don't go to the bathroom either.
Hawkeye: We just explode when we're 50.

BJ: What are you looking for, Frank?
Hawkeye: His marbles. Are you with him, Radar, or are you independently crazy?

Smilin' Jack

Corporal Owens: I don't want to go back to the fighting.
BJ: Sounds serious. You may be coming down with mental health.

(A visiting chopper pilot has been showing off his trick of catapulting a syringe and making it land in an orange)
BJ: There's a magnet in the orange.
Hawkeye: That's it. He peels the orange, he puts a magnet inside and then he glues the rind back on the orange without a single seam showing and I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Potter (trying to contact Smilin' Jack over the radio): Calling Chopper Fox Seven Able Bravo Charlie. Come in, Fox Seven Able Bravo Charlie.
Hawkeye (eating a chicken leg): Do you suppose any of us will ever speak English again?

BJ (about Hawk's chicken leg): Where'd you get that?
Hawkeye: The Petrified Forest.
BJ: ...They still open?

The More I See You

BJ: Minding my own business is a full-time job. In my spare time, it's my hobby. I can't divide myself emotionally. I couldn't break my word to Peg, and not because God will send me to Hell without an electric fan or because it's not the right thing to do. I simply don't want to.
Hawkeye: You've got a lot to learn about messing up your life.

Hawkeye: There's been no one since you. Faint copies at best.

Hawkeye: In some ways, I don't mind that she's gone again. It's just that she never altogether leaves.

Deluge

Hawkeye: Put out that cigarette, there's a lot of ether in there.
Sergeant: Hey, I'm a sergeant, fella!
Hawkeye: And I'm a captain, fella! Which means if we're blown up, I'll fly higher than you! So put it out!

The Interview

Interviewer: Do you see anything good coming out of this war, medically speaking? Advances that wouldn't be done so quickly otherwise?
Potter: Oh, I suppose there's a few things that get a quicker trying out here than they would back home. But when you counterbalance that with the awful waste, the frightful loss of life, I don't think it's a fair trade.
Interviewer: So you don't see anything good coming out of this.
Potter: Not a damn thing.

Hawkeye: A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street, and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums.

Radar: Can you say 'latrine' on television?

BJ: You’ve gotta understand I’m not working on sick people here. I’m working on hurt young people, with essentially healthy bodies that have been insulted by ammunition.

Klinger: I think it's the most stupidest thing in the world. You call it a police action back home, right? Over here it's a war. "Police action" sounds like we're over here arresting people, handing out parking tickets. A war is just killing, that's all.

Klinger: If I had all the answers, I'd run for God.

Hawkeye: I've seen so many people to whom killing is a casual thing... I don't know how we manufacture people like that but it seems to me that we'll never run out of them.

Interviewer: You've been here some time.
Hawkeye: Somewhere between "some time" and "eternity".

Hawkeye: Everything is painted green. The clothes are green, the food is green...except the vegetables, of course. The only thing that's not green is the blood...the blood is red. That's what you get the most of here.

Hawkeye: It's crazy.

Season 5

Bug Out

Frank: There are no friends in wartime.

(A soldier loads the toilet seats into a truck)
Frank: If I get splinters, I'll have your stripes.
Soldier: I'm a private.
Frank: Don't pull rank on ME!

Hawkeye (hearing an explosion): Is today the Fourth of July?
Margaret: September.
Hawkeye: Just a wild hope.

Hawkeye: Stop in the name of the Canadian Mounted Police!

Potter (to camp as Radar is rushing through the crowd): The general assured me there is nothing to worry about. (Radar hands him a paper.) MASH 4077 is definitely (looks at paper) bugging out in 3 hours!
(Everyone looks around.)
Potter: BUG OUT!

Potter: We're here by orders of I-Corps, General Irving K. Hamilton, commanding.
Prostitute: Ooh, Binky!

Potter: Why didn't I shoot my foot and stay in Honolulu?

Margaret's Engagement

Frank: I'm fine, Mom. Well actually, I'm not. You see, I had this friend. And this friend only pretended to like me. You know, the way Dad used to?

Frank (about Donald): What's he got that I don't?
Margaret: Lips?
Frank: Lips aren't everything!

Frank: Yeah. I thought I'd hit the town with that new nurse.
Margaret: You mean the little red-headed one with the freckles on her nose?
Frank: Yeah, that one.
Margaret: Don't you think she's a bit young for you?
Frank: (smugly) Well, yeah. I just thought that a little youth would be nice for a change.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Radar: Now, look, you dumb clerk, I'll tell you this once and I want you to get it straight. This is General Walter O'Reilly. Three stars and real mad. If Major Overman isn't over here by the time they crack my powdered eggs for breakfast I'll have you digging a latrine for every G.I. in Korea! You got that? Good!

Frank: Pierce, you disgust me!
Hawkeye: That's right Frank, I discussed you with everyone I know, they all think you're disgusting.

Hawkeye (after the bandages came off his eyes): Five, right? (looking at his hand)

Hawkeye: Yeah, I got lucky twice. First I got a chance to see without my eyes, and then I got them back.

Hawkeye (after being moved from Margaret to B.J in the Mess tent): I bet I'm the only hot potato in this entire tent.

Radar(reading Hawkeye's letter): She still sweats, no no it's...she still sweet on you.

Radar(reading Hawkeye's letter): Take care son, we are connecting the dogs.
Hawkeye: thats counting the Days.
Radar: We are counting the days, all my love...Major Burns.
Hawkeye : What?
Radar: Major Burns, coming this way.

Hawkeye(coming out of the Latrine, Margaret meets him): Ahh Margaret.
Margaret: That's very good.
Hawkeye: It's your perfume Moon over Fort Dix.
Margarat: Its Forbidden Furlough, where do you want to go?
Hawkeye: Mess tent. Then after that we can go to your place and play blind man's bluff.
Margarat: Savage.

Lt. Radar O'Reilly

Radar (talking about his promotion): It just come right outta the blue!
Hawkeye: Nah, the way you've been lifting that barge, toteing that bale.
BJ:Not getting drunk and landing in jail.
Hawkeye: Had to happen.
BJ: It was in the cards.

The Nurses

Margaret (to the nurses): Did you ever once show me any friendship? Ever ask my help in a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine how it feels to walk by this tent and... (She gasps and breaks down)...hear your laughter and know that I'm not welcome? When did one of you ever even offer me a lousy cup of coffee?!

The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan

Frank: Any mindless baboon can see she's not here, including me!

(Hawkeye is singing in the shower when he hears a gunshot)
(the Swamp)
BJ: You moron! You could've killed me!
Frank: It was an accident! It ricocheted off the foot locker.
BJ: I'll ricochet your nose off the foot locker.
(Hawkeye enters)
Hawkeye: What happened?
BJ: Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg!

Potter: (about BJ's gunshot wound) How did it happen, Burns?
Frank: You mean the, uh-
Potter: Right.
Frank: Well, I was cleaning my weapon when it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan.
Potter: So naturally you decided to shoot Captain Hunicutt.

Radar (about Margaret being missing): I've looked everywhere except the nurses' showers ... Oh no sir, I couldn't look in there! There might be naked female personnel showering with their clothes off!

Klinger (as a Korean girl stares at his dress): This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.

Flagg: Nobody tells anybody I'm anywhere, including me!

Flagg: Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.

Flagg: If you don't close your eyes, I'm not leaving. (Hawkeye and BJ both cover their eyes and then there is smash and a scream.)
Hawkeye: The wind just broke his leg.

Flagg: I can find anything.
Hawkeye: Can you find my virginity? I lost it twenty years ago and haven't seen it since.

Flagg: I trained myself not to smile or laugh. I watched the Three Stooges for 100 hours. Every time I felt like laughing, I stabbed myself in the stomach with a cattle prod.

Dear Sigmund

(Father Mulcahy dozed off during a poker game)
Mulcahy: I dreamed I was a Cardinal in Rome, and the Pope had a bad cold.
Hawkeye: What do you suppose that means, Sidney, you're the skull jockey.
Sidney: Well, Freud said every dream is a wish.
Radar: One time my uncle dreamed he was dancing with a whale and when he woke up our cow had eaten his pants.
BJ: You want to bet, or do you want Sidney to tell you what that means?
Radar: Gee, I'm sorry, I didn't know it meant anything.

Hawkeye: See you at the poker game next week?
Sidney: Yes, I'll be there with ten dollars in my pants and three aces up my sleeve.
Hawkeye: Show a little imagination, don't make them all spades.

Sidney (stepping over a pile of clothes): I can't understand why you call this place the Swamp.
Hawkeye: We were thinking of calling it the latrine, but that name was already taken.

Sidney: That's a private letter.
Hawkeye: Then why'd you leave it under your pillow?
Sidney: Can I have that please, I want to erase anything nice I said about you guys.

Frank: I should have known better than to tell something personal to a psychiatrist!

Sidney: If there's a way to preserve your sanity in wartime, they've found it here. They slide their patched-up patients into the evac ambulance like loaves in a bread truck, and yet they never forget those packages are people.

Frank: I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. I'd kill her before I'd divorce her!

Sidney: Freud said that there is a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye.

Sidney: (to BJ) You? You're the 'practical joker'?
BJ: Certainly looks that way, doesn't it? Care to help?
Sidney: Well, sure. What do I do?
BJ: As loud as you can, I want you to shout 'air raid'.
Sidney: (with a look of glee on his face) AIR RAID! AIR RAID!
(Frank panics and jumps into his foxhole, only to find that it has been filled with water, courtesy of BJ)

Mulcahy's War

BJ: Some guys shoot themselves in the foot to get sent back home.
Klinger: Not me. I'd ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons.

The Korean Surgeon

Potter: Why am I wasting time like this when I could be sawing wood? Let me put it this way, Burns, Houlihan?
Margaret: Colonel?
Frank: Yes, sir?
Potter: DISMISSED!

Hawkeye: Maybe they'd be interested in an exchange. We could keep Paik and give them Frank.

Klinger: If anything happens, bury me in the blue chiffon!

Hawkeye Get Your Gun

Hawkeye: What did you sterilize this in, egg drop soup?
Major Choi: We do the best we can Captain, with what we have.
Hawkeye: Sorry, it's just that I'm opposed to germ warfare.
(explosions outside)
Hawkeye: I'm not crazy about that warfare either.

Hawkeye: How about a little kiss for the road?
Margaret: Don't be ridiculous!
Hawkeye: Then how about one for me?

Potter: If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age, I'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.

(both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole)
Potter: I said fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: All right. [To the gun] You're fired! [To Potter] I did it as gently as I could.
Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
Hawkeye (Snapping his fingers): Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?

Potter: Where's your gun?
Hawkeye: Sulking under my cot. We're not on speaking terms.
Potter: Go kiss and make up. You're taking it with you.
Hawkeye: Colonel, if I touch that gun, I'll trigger another argument.
Potter: Pierce, you're taking your sidearm!
Hawkeye (Holding up each arm in turn): Correct, I'm taking along my right side arm and my left side arm.
BJ: Hawkeye, you need an enemy to surrender. Didn't they teach you that in basic training?

Hawkeye: Colonel, I'll treat their wounds, heal their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds!

Potter (Klinger walks into Potters office):What is it Klinger?
Klinger: Excuse me, did you say "Klinger?"
Potter: If your not Klinger then who in sam hill are you?
Hawkeye: Sam Hill, maybe?
Klinger (Shakes tambourine): I'm Zoltan, King of the Gypsies!
Hawkeye: You just made my day.

The Colonel's Horse

(talking about Frank)
BJ: Can't you do something?
Potter: Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
Hawkeye: No, like stand him up and have him shot.
Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.

BJ (regarding Sophie's condition): Too much dry grass, not enough water; she's got colic.
Radar: Ooh, that's serious!
Hawkeye: Colic?
BJ: He says it could kill her. Her intestines are blocked; we need to keep her on her feet so they don't twist. And...we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.
Hawkeye: ...I think I'll stroll on up to the front and see how the shooting's going.

Hawkeye (to Father Mulcahy): Take your loved ones and move to higher ground.

Exorcism

Kyong Ja: The evil spirits must be exorcised from this place.
Hawkeye: Well, exercise is good for you. I'll send them on a five mile hike.

Margaret: You all know what day this is. Friday the 13th.
Frank: She's right, and--nah, doesn't mean a thing.
Hawkeye: Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.
Potter: You see a ghost?
Hawkeye: No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.

(Klinger is standing on a ladder to change a lightbulb)
Frank: Keep your petticoats out of my face!
Klinger: And you keep your eyes closed!

Frank (about Koreans): Savages!
BJ: Frank, those "savages" were printing with movable type in 1403.
Hawkeye: That's right. I was in 1402 and didn't get a wink of sleep all night.

Frank: (to Klinger) That's it! I'm confining you to quarters!
Hawkeye: That's right! Give me all your nickles and dimes!

BJ: My aunt once talked to the spirit of Sigmund Freud.
Frank: That's impossible!
BJ: Then how come he sent her a bill?

Margaret: (talking about the priestess) Don't you just love what she's wearing?
Klinger: Nah, too pushy.

Hawkeye (after an announcement of incoming wounded comes over the PA): I thought we lost the PA system.
Announcer: Oh yeah, and the PA system is working again, for some reason.
Potter: The boy's going to be impossible to live with after this.

Hawk's Nightmare

Hawkeye: We're a bunch of paediatricians. Oh, except for you Frank.
Frank: Oh? And what am I?
Hawkeye:Don't rush me, I'm still thinking about it.
Maragret: Clumsy oaf.
Hawkeye: No prompting from the studio audience. (looks at his patient) Babies.

Hawkeye: Klinger, you're just not just another pretty face. (pause) You are definitely not just another pretty face.

(Klinger and Radar watch Sidney play a game of imaginary basketball with Hawkeye)
Klinger: Is it any wonder I can't get a Section Eight? In this unit, if you want to be crazy you gotta stand in line.

Hawkeye: It's one thing to live in a shooting gallery, but now I'm being attacked from the inside. I'm afraid to lie down in my sack, I'm afraid to close my eyes. How do I defend myself from myself?

Hawkeye (with hand under shirt like Napoleon): Mais oui, Josephine, I am as sane as you.

Frank: You may have even operated in your sleep.
BJ: Voice of experience.

The Most Unforgettable Characters

Klinger: Who put gasoline in my gasoline?

38 Across

Radar: Hey, Klinger, how's it going?
Klinger: I'm eating a jeep.
Radar (not listening): Good.

Klinger (after eating a windshield wiper): How about THAT?
Potter: That dumb wiper never worked anyway.

Hawkeye: What's a five letter Yiddish word for bedbug?

Potter (after Mulcahy blessed the food): Thank God for ketchup.
Radar: He just did.

Potter: How can you see with those filthy glasses?
Radar: I know where everything is.

Radar: He's (Klinger) having a picnic.
Potter: Annoying, but tolerable...
Radar: He's eating a jeep!

Hawkeye: I told you, the food here is not to be taken internally!

Ping Pong

Hawkeye (watching ping-pong): I haven't seen a backhand like that since I tried an exploratory on Nurse Baker.

(Klinger is playing horseshoes with Potter)
Potter: I don't know how you do it, Klinger.
Klinger: Well sir, I learned how to throw horseshoes in Toledo.
Potter: What's that got to do with it?
Klinger: We didn't throw them for fun, we threw them in self-defense!

Potter: We all know when the Good Lord passed out paranoia, Frank Burns got in line twice.
Hawkeye: Three times (holding up four fingers; BJ pushes one back down), and the third time he denied ever being in line!

End Run

Hawkeye (watching Klinger exercise): Klinger, are you keeping fit or having one?
Klinger: I missed calisthenics this morning, sir.
Hawkeye: We don't have calisthenics.
Klinger: No wonder I missed them.

Hawkeye: You know, I never get used to it. I always feel there's something more I should have done.
BJ: You did everything that was humanly possible.
Hawkeye: I know how it's supposed to go for them. Shock, anger, readjustment. But all we ever see is the shock and the anger.
BJ: Hawk, look what you're doing. You're punishing yourself with guilt.
Hawkeye: I think I'm having an identity crisis. I know I'm Dr. Pierce, but I want to be God.
BJ: If you ever get the job, don't forget your old friends.

Klinger (to Zale): If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!

Radar: 'Guys mind if I have a drink?
Hawkeye (surprised): No, go ahead.
BJ: I thought your liver was still a virgin.
Radar: Don't be silly; I'm a man.
(He takes a sip, gasps, and grabs his throat.)
Hawkeye And you thought we enjoyed this stuff.
Radar: I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better.
BJ: No, it's supposed to make you feel nothing.

Hanky Panky

Hepatitis

Klinger: Sir, if you find out I got hepatitis, I'm gonna kiss Zale right on the mouth.

Frank: Will you check my arms? I think my arms are getting longer!

Hawkeye (to BJ): Look, if you can't read without moving your lips, at least turn the sound off.

BJ: You never exercise.
Hawkeye: I wrestle periodically with the nurses.

BJ (about his mail): It's a surgical journal, Radar.
Radar: Oh yeah? I seen one of those once. I'd rather look at the outsides of people.

Potter: Listen, it's too big a world to be in competition with everybody. The only person I'm out to beat is who I am right now. And in your case, that's tough enough.

Frank: If you had any decency for human life, you'd feel my lumps before you left!
Hawkeye: Leave 'em under my pillow, I'll give 'em a squeeze before I go to bed tonight.

Frank: Pierce.
Hawkeye: What, Frank?
Frank: I think my arms are getting longer.

Hawkeye: Frank, there's hepatitis going around the camp.
Frank: Hepatitis?! Look at my eyes! Are they yellow? My liver, is it tender?
Hawkeye: How should I know?
Frank: Well, feel it! [he lays back on his bed]
Hawkeye: [feels Franks abdomen] How does that feel?
Frank: [giggles] That tickles!
Hawkeye: Frank, try to control yourself.

[Margaret drops her pants so Hawkeye can give her a shot]

Hawkeye: Oh, Margaret, can I pause on this occasion to express a few thoughts?
Margaret: If you say ONE WORD--
Hawkeye: I wouldn't, not a word. But if I did that word would be MAGNIFICENT! Would that be bad?
Margaret: Just give me the shot!

The General's Practitioner

Frank: So like you, Hunnicutt. Not a patriotic bone in your body.
Hawkeye: No wonder the man flunked anatomy, he thinks there are patriotic bones!

Movie Tonight

Klinger (singing): Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...
Hawkeye: I know!
Klinger: SOMEBODY knows the trouble I've seen...

Klinger: I blew the bulb, it's not my fault! Who do I look like, Thomas Edison?
Hawkeye: No, you look like Mrs. Edison!

(the army song)
Mulcahy:
A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck.
If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in Heck!
(chorus):
Oh I don't want no more of Army life,
Gee Ma, I wanna go home!
Hawkeye & BJ:
Oh the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright.
We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night!
(Chorus)
Potter:
Friendships in the Army they say are mighty rare.
So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare!
(Chorus)
The Nurses, except Margaret:
The surgeons in the Army they're bright, they are profound,
But we'll take chopper pilots; they'll get you off the ground!
(Chorus)
Radar:
The corporals in the Army, you say we're really green,
But if it weren't for us guys, you'd be in the latrine!
(Chorus)
Klinger:
Oh some guys like the Army; I think that it's a mess.
If it's so damned terrific, how come I wear a dress?
(Chorus)
Margaret:
Oh some nurses in the Army, they haven't tied the knot,
But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscot!
(Final Chorus):
Oh I don't want no more of Army life,
Gee Ma, I wanna go,
But they won't let me go,
Gee Ma, I wanna go home!
Frank (leftover):
Oh Hawkeye and oh B.J., they think they're pretty smart!
I'd like to take a scalpel and stab them in the heart!
Boy, this is fun...!

Margaret: Hit it, Father.
Mulcahy: Hit what?
Margaret: Anything!

BJ: "Get along, little dogie"
Hawkeye: I had a long little doggie once.
BJ: Really, what kind?
Hawkeye: He was a dachshund.
BJ:Oh, a little hot dog. What happened to him?
Hawkeye:He got all mustered out.
BJ:I relish these conversations.

Frank: A movie? That sounds like fun.
Hawkeye: Oh Frank. Quit being so childish. (to B.J.) Oh boy, oh, boy, oh boy!!! A movie!!! I'm so excited I could plotz!

Souvenirs

Potter: [Giving a speech about returning home in one piece] And remember, someone at home loves you. Don't ask me why.

Burns: I hope you catch that ugly creep who's been using my face!

Post Op

Potter: Sergeant, I've told everyone else, I'll tell you. The 4077th is out of blood! We're squeezin' turnips here! All my personnel have donated at least twice, and Dracula couldn't find a quick snack around these parts!

Moody: When I was a kid, I used to fight all the time when people put me down. I believed what they said about me. Not any more. I've been up on the line. I had the guts to go out there and drag 'em back to the aid station. No one's gonna get me again with any verbal abuse because I got something guys like that will never have - self-respect.

Margaret's Marriage

Frank (watching Margaret's helicopter fly away in the distance): Goodbye, Margaret.

Frank: No ring, no wedding date...I think it's "thanks for the buggy ride!"

Klinger: In the words of my people, may your life be an oasis surrounded by waving palms, warm breezes, and spit-free camels.

BJ: Where you going, Frank?
Frank (Last Line): I don't know. Uh... Just felt like grabbing a cold shower.

Season 6

Fade Out, Fade In

Charles: And if I refuse?
Potter: Then you'll be breaking gravel at Leavenworth, comprende?
Charles: Comprendo.

Charles: Know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.
Potter: You know, I think he's getting the hang of this place.

Charles: Charming place. An inflamed boil on the buttocks of the world.

Radar: Colonel, how can you smoke these things?
Potter: You get used to it. I got sick on my first one.
Radar: How old were you?
Potter: I was nine. The cigar was eleven.
Radar: Is that how come you're so short?
Potter: How'd you like to be a PFC?
Radar: You're tall.

Potter: What's the matter?
Klinger: Snapped my garter belt.
Potter: Don't expect a Purple Heart.

Hawkeye (looking at dead soldier): Father.
Mulcahy: So young.
Hawkeye: The younger they get, the older I get.

Potter: Do me a favor, no practical jokes, no horsing around, until he gets broken in. Ok?
BJ: I wish you'd have told us that before we put the snake in his bed.

(Winchester drinks glass of some kind of alcohol)
Charles: Is this the best you've got?
Igor: I've got some private stock, but it'll cost you a nickel more.
Charles: Oh, let's splurge.
Igor: Wow, we don't get too many guys like you in here.
Charles: Yes, I'm painfully aware of that.

Dr. Berman: Dr. Pierce tells me your technique was extraordinary.
Charles: To him, perhaps.

(Winchester being driven to 4077)
Charles: Private, if you are very careful, you could hit every pothole along the way.
Private: I'm sorry sir, but I've only got two hands.
Charles: Yes, I noticed that, I'm a doctor.

Dr. Berman: I thought I was a goner.
Charles: Yes, I can understand that.
Hawkeye: I think I've just been insulted.
Charles: Very observant.

Charles: What is that odor?
Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.
Charles: The wind is from the south.
Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.

(toasting Frank's departure)
Hawkeye: Goodbye, Ferret Face.

BJ (about Charles): Why don't we avoid the Christmas rush and start hating him now?

Hawkeye: The army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of all charges, they have assigned him to a veterans' hospital in Indiana, and promoted him to Lieutenant Colonel.
BJ: I'm gonna write to my congressman.

Fallen Idol

Hawkeye: Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then... then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naivete, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you! Why don't you grow up for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder, if possible without going crazy. Period. (Radar begins to cry) Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will ya!? You ninny!

Radar: I don't think this place is turning out to be that great an experience for me. I mean I work under terrible pressure and everything and there's a lot of death and destruction and stuff but outside of that I don't think I'm really getting much out of it.

Margaret (after Hawkeye yells at Radar): I'd like to talk to you!
BJ: This oughta be good.

Last Laugh

Margaret (To Radar) How'd you like to be up to your knees in floor?

Potter (after being kissed by Margaret; also he is drunk): You know, I like a major with hot lips, and I'll tell you why.
Hawkeye: Why?
Potter: Exactly.
(falls)
Potter: Did I fall down?
BJ: No.
Potter: I didn't think so.

BJ: He'll be walking back here in about an hour.
Hawkeye: He'll be WALKING back?
BJ: The only thing gassed up in that jeep was US!

Margaret (to Colonel Potter): When's the last time I came to you? I ask so little?
Hawkeye: And she gives so much.

Hawkeye: Sorry I'm late, my zipper was mildewed.

War of Nerves

Hawkeye: Sidney, what are you doing here?
Sidney: I don't know. I thought I was getting on the crosstown bus. Do you give out transfers here?

Sidney: When Pierce and Hunnicutt lose one, he's out of his misery. When I lose one, I've lost a mind.
Mulcahy: When I lose one, I've lost a soul.

Radar (about his teddy bear): Sometimes I talk to it.
Sidney: Does it ever talk back?

Radar: Psst.
Sidney: Did you want to see me or have you sprung a leak?

(Everyone in the Mess Tent is arguing with everyone else)
Sidney: It was a little quieter in that foxhole this morning!

(as the camp builds the bonfire)
Potter: Major, when people are suffering from overwork, do you usually prescribe arson?

Sidney (to Klinger): You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.

Tom (to Sidney): I'll never forget what it felt like being put back in that foxhole, when you knew what I'd been through. I'll never forget having my leg shot off, and I'll never forget how much I hate you. Goodbye, Doctor!

The Winchester Tapes

Hawkeye (after BJ alters Charles' pants): So, uh, what's next with him?
BJ: Starting tomorrow...he gets taller.

Hawkeye: You've got to have a pair of pajamas, look around. You had a pair when you got here.
BJ: I had a lot of things when I got here. Faith, hope, sanity, a liver.

Hawkeye: This woman . . . roses have fistfights over who gets to smell like her! Her wit is so sharp you could shave with it! When they heard the sound of her voice, six nightingales got out of the business!

Charles: I will put this as eloquently and succintly as possible...(pours tea pitcher but a plastic chicken is inside it)...Get me the hell out of here!

The Light That Failed

Klinger: The supplies have arrived, Colonel.
Potter: Glory be. (turns and looks at Klinger) I don't claim to know much about fashion, Klinger, but you look like the dog's dinner.
Klinger: You try and color coordinate in the dark!

Hawkeye (to Charles): You know why you can't work in the dark? There's no limelight.

Hawkeye (about the supply shortage): The electric lightbulb is becoming a filament of my imagination.

Charles: I would operate in Braille if my fingers weren't frozen.
Hawkeye (imitating Charles' accent): Sorry Charles, we're all out of fur-lined rubber gloves.

Hawkeye: Finally!
BJ: I beg your pardon?
Hawkeye: It took you 6 minutes and three decks of cards to read that page.
BJ: Two pages. One on this side. One on that side.
Hawkeye: That still comes out to 78 cards a page. Nobody reads that slowly.
BJ: I'm not reading. I'm savouring.
Hawkeye: Savour faster. I'm desperate. I'd trade my soul for a laundry list.
BJ: Go over to the mess tent. Read the alphabet soup.
Hawkeye (holds up a card): How would you like a club in the mouth?
BJ: Relax! Relax, will you? I'll be finished with this, uh, Tuesday, latest.
Hawkeye: Tuesday!?
BJ: Wednesday?
Hawkeye: Look, I'm sitting reading your shoe size and not believing it, I might add. I'll never make it 'til Tuesday.
(Charles enters)
Charles: Hunnicutt, what page are you on?
BJ: 21.
Charles: 21? At the rate you read, the murderer would have escaped to Venezuela by now.

Hawkeye: (gleefully, after BJ has ripped chapter 1 out of his book and given to Hawk to read) Heehee! Reading; this just might be better than sex!
Charles: Certainly takes longer around here.
BJ: How would you know?

(Disappointed that they once again did not know who the murderer was)

Hawkeye: Alright, I did it and I'm glad! I hated Sir Winslow, I hated them all! I don't even remember their names but I hated them anyway.
BJ: What about the pig?
Hawkeye: I killed the pig cause it was going to squeal.
BJ: And the birds?
Hawkeye: They were going to sing.
BJ: You're mad.
Hawkeye: Oh yes, mad! Mad mad mad mad mad!

In Love and War

Hawkeye: We'll never see each other again. We'll write a few notes as a graceful gesture of futility, and...we'll never see each other again.

Hawkeye: Je suis poulet a la poetry.
(Kyong Soon starts laughing)
Hawkeye: What?
Kyong Soon: What did you mean to say?
Hawkeye: That I'm pulled toward poetry. What did I say?
Kyong Soon (still laughing): You said you were a chicken!

Hawkeye: What does Kyong Soon mean?
Kyong Soon: It means bright and obedient. But my father used to tease me. I'm not very obedient.

Change Day

Sergeant Maxwell: If there's ever anything I can do for you, let me know.
Hawkeye: How about arresting this war for disturbing the peace?

Potter (seeing Klinger in a Class A uniform): Klinger, you're out of uniform!

Charles: Why can't they just shake hands like everybody else?

Potter (over the PA): Attention all personnel, this is Colonel Potter.
Hawkeye: Prove it.

Images

Sergeant (showing Hawkeye, BJ and Radar his tattoo): The Marine emblem, Semper Fidelis.
BJ: Latin for "always faithful".
Hawkeye: Well, I'd want to meet the girl first.

Radar (about his tattoo): It'll come off when I take a bath.
Hawkeye: My God, it is permanent.

Radar: Which do you guys like better, tigers or snakes?
Hawkeye: Depends on the sauce.

Charles: As a matter of fact, tattoos are the common man's way of investing in art.

The M*A*S*H Olympics

Potter: You're gonna eat your way to a discharge.
Klinger: I call it "food for freedom".
Potter: I call it "suicide by salami".

Charles: Ah, the Olympics. Where every four years people from all nations gather together...and sweat.

BJ: You? An athletic scholarship!?
Hawkeye: That's right, the coach's daughter paid me to leave her alone.

Potter: We've got enough people, we should be able to toss this jeep around like a volleyball!
Margaret: Colonel, it's too heavy!
Potter: Cow cookies!

The Grim Reaper

Charles: Do you happen to have a quarter?
Hawkeye: All this for a quarter?
Charles: I have to pry off the cover.
BJ: 'Course, cover charge.

Margaret: Look out teeth, look out gums, look out liver, here she comes!
Charles: Civilization in Korea.

Hawkeye: What was the final count in there?
Potter: 203, not counting Winchester.

Comrades in Arms (Part 1)

Charles: Do you two realize that you are singing two entirely different operas and they're both out of tune?
Hawkeye: Don't blame me, I didn't write this stuff.

Hawkeye: Put them in there, Sabu.
Klinger: If it please you, effendi.
Hawkeye: Why should I be offended?

Margaret: I don't like being afraid, I'm scared.
Hawkeye: Me, too. I'd feel a lot braver if I wasn't so scared.

Hawkeye (after the area around their shelter is shelled): I think I've got something stuck in my leg.
Margaret: Oh my God...wait a minute. (starts to rip open Hawk's pant leg to examine the wound)
Hawkeye: Margaret, there's no time for that now; look at my wound.
Margaret: Oh, will you be quiet? You're hurt. You want some morphine?
Hawkeye: How bad is it? I can hardly feel it.
Margaret: You've got a hunk of wood in there. Do you want me to take it out?
Hawkeye: Of course I do! If I wanted a souvenir, I'd go to a gift shop.
Margaret: I'm going to pour some alcohol on it; it might sting.
Hawkeye (as Margaret pours the alcohol and starts to pull the wood out of his leg) Aahhh, aahh! Ohhh!
Margaret (pulling the wood out of his leg) Quit twitching! You're making this very difficult!
Hawkeye: Oh, oh! Forget it; leave it in.
Margaret: Just hold still.
Hawkeye (moaning in pain): Aaahhh, ohh!
Margaret: Will you be quiet and hold still? I can't get a hold of it. I don't want to make things worse.
Hawkeye (still in pain): No, me neither no. Ahhhh. Mmmm.
Margaret (pulling out the hunk of wood): You wanna look at it?
Hawkeye: Don't be morbid. Just clean it up and put a dressing on it.
Margaret: Let me give you a shot of morphine.
Hawkeye: Will you stop pushing the morphine?
Margaret: Okay, but this is going to hurt a little.
Hawkeye: That's all right; I'm tough.
Margaret (skeptically): Uh-huh.
Hawkeye: Ahhh! Ahhh!
Margaret: I haven't even started yet.
Hawkeye: I'm just practicing.

BJ: Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Hawkeye: What don't you do?
BJ: I'll think of something.

Margaret: (reading the beginning of her letter from Donald) Dear Darlene...
Hawkeye: What is that, a nickname?

Comrades in Arms (Part 2)

Margaret: Continental breakfast.
Hawkeye: Continent of Atlantis.
Margaret: Huh?
Hawkeye: That's the one that sank.

Margaret: Look, I love how brave you are. It's thrilling. I love it when a man takes charge. Now do what I tell you! Walk to that door!

Hawkeye (talking to Margaret about what to tell Donald about their brief affair): What do you usually tell him?

The Merchant of Korea

Hawkeye: Who does he think he is, the merchant of Korea?
BJ: Stop crying, it's just a pound of flesh.
Hawkeye: A pound of flesh, my butt.
BJ: Wherever.
Hawkeye: What do you think the sentence is for firing an officer out of a Howitzer?
BJ: 190 years, if you're a first offender.

Potter: Okay, if anyone needs me, I'll be in my tent marinating the old bunions.
BJ: Bon appefeet.
Potter: Corny, corny.

Zale: In that case, the bar is closed.
Hawkeye: The bar is what?
Zale: Captain, you've already run up a tab of 50 bucks; the limit's supposed to be 20.
Hawkeye (To BJ and Charles): Can you believe this? (To Zale) You better not come down with anything I can cure!
Zale: No cash, no firewater.
Hawkeye: I'm beginning not to like this guy.

Klinger: Halt! Who goes there?
Hawkeye: Ask me nice.
Klinger: (nicely) Captain Pierce?
Hawkeye: Probably. How would you like to make a lot of money?
Klinger: Of course. What kind of psycho do you think I am?
Hawkeye: Hunnicut and I are getting up a poker game, and we've invited Winchester to be the rube of honor.
Klinger: Ooooo! I'm in!
Hawkeye: Wait, waitaminute, before you hit the casino, could you make a donation to the underprivileged?
Klinger: You?
Hawkeye: Me.
Klinger: Hey, no sweat pal, you can have the blouse off my back.
Hawkeye: Just the money.

BJ: I don't believe this is happening!
Hawkeye: First the war happens, now this.
Potter: Who's bright idea was this, anyhow?
Hawkeye: Ask the five-card stud.
Klinger: Look at him! He doesn't sweat. I ain't seen someone who doesn't sweat before.
BJ: Sure you have, in the Reptile House.
Mulcahy: I think I'm gonna fold, while I still have a little left for the orphans.
Charles: Oh, Father, give them my, (starts to hand Mulcahy a blue poker chip, but switches to a red) give them my best.
Mulcahy: (pauses) Well, good night everyone.
Hawkeye: Good night, Mr. Chip.

Potter: I'd like to give Radar's last dollar to know how he's doing it.
Radar: You're almost there, sir.
Klinger: Maybe he's cheating.
Hawkeye: How? I hid all the aces.
BJ: It's not the winning I mind, it's that damn smugness!
(Margret whistles La Traviata)
Hawkeye: And that insipid whistling!
BJ: Coming out of that insipid face!
Radar: He doesn't even stop when he's got a bad hand, he just keeps whistling louder!
Hawkeye: He whistles louder when he's got nothing! When he's got nothing!
(Everyone realizes)
Hawkeye: He whistles louder (everyone but Radar joins in saying the following) when he's got nothing!!!
BJ: A rhapsody in bluff!
Potter: Folks, I think we've got him!

The Smell of Music

Hawkeye: Ah, music to my rear.
BJ: How can he do that to us in our condition?
Hawkeye: No respect for the dead.

Charles (after his French horn is run over): Colonel, what about my horn?
Potter: By all means, Winchester. Bring it along, we'd love to hear it.

BJ: Speaking of chemistry, you're dangerously close to blowing yourself up.

BJ (after Hawkeye puts socks in Winchester's French Horn): We are about to hear Pierce's "Unwashed Symphony".

Potter (after stopping Saunders from killing himself): I'm too old for this kind of crap. I think I tore my shorts.

Hawkeye: And from here in Ouijongbou, the sadistic sounds of Doc Winchester and his all-moose orchestra! The musical question, why us!?

Patent 4077

Potter: How's the clamp working, son?
Hawkeye: Like a lioness holding her cub.

Potter: Well, official channels could take forever. I remember when I applied for permission to get married. By the time the papers came through, my son was divorced.

Hawkeye (after he gets his hand caught in Zale's new clamp): I am now officially in extreme pain. You don't believe me? Ahhh!

Hawkeye (while Margaret is looking for her ring): Margaret, all you're gonna find in there is old sweat.

Klinger: Major, you're wrong.
Margaret: What!?
Klinger: Nobody was trying to make a fool out of you, we just wanted you to have your ring back. You don't have to be grateful, but would it hurt to appreciate the effort?

Tea and Empathy

Hawkeye: We have an old saying in America: Get out.

Klinger (after he rips his skirt): That was an original. Now they'll make copies and you'll see it all over Korea!

Your Hit Parade

Charles (trying to find a place to sleep in Potter's tent): I demand a space for my cot.
Hawkeye (picks up a small box): Hello, room service, send up a larger room.

BJ (in Potter's tent): I used to sleep walk, but my mother cured me with psychology. Scattered thumb tacks on the floor.

BJ: When I grow up, I wanna be a Colonel.

Charles (while trying to sleep in his cot in Margaret's tent): Margaret, we are both adults.
Margaret: Yes, of the opposite sex!

What's Up, Doc?

Klinger: No, they got something better...me.
Tom: Huh?
Klinger: Take me instead of him, I've got your escape plan.
Tom: I got my own plan...chopper to Seoul, plane back to Ohio.
Klinger: I'm from Toledo, I know people there, I can make it easy for you.
Charles: Take him, he's got a plan, I would be lost in Ohio. Take him, please, please? I've never even been to Ohio, he was born and raised there! He's--
Tom: Okay, okay get out of here, anything's better than you!

BJ: I think the marines are the only ones with an art history division.

Mail Call Three

Radar (sorting the mail): Captain Hunnicutt, Captain Hunnicutt, Captain Hunnicutt.
Hawkeye: Those are for me.

Klinger: When I leave the army, it'll be the honorable way...with a section 8!

Radar: Colonel! Colonel, it's Klinger, he's back!
Potter: Thank God he's back alive, I'm gonna kill him!

Temporary Duty

BJ (while exiting the Swamp): After you.
Charles: As it should be.

Potter (about Col. Wheatley): He's a real stickler for regulations, especially hair length.
Hawkeye: I'll pin my hair under my hat, (points to Bigelow) and you better cut those sideburns.

Potter's Retirement

Hawkeye: Listen, Colonel, um... Sherman. You can give me 100 good reasons to leave, and I can't give you one good reason to stay. Stay anyway.

Hawkeye (after Charles takes a swig of the liquid in his hair restorer bottle): Charles, you're drinking your hair!
Charles: Don't be ridiculous; this is twelve year-old Scotch. You don't think I'd keep it in the original bottle with you petty larcenists around, do you?
Hawkeye: Eugggh!
BJ: What, what?
Hawkeye: I've been drinking from his Scotch bottle!

Potter (after the staff has sung him "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"): Thank you folks, that was really lousy.
Charles: Well, what do you expect with very little talent and only five minute's preparation?

Dr. Winchester and Mr. Hyde

Hawkeye (after finding pep pills in Charles' footlocker): Charles taking drugs. Well I'll be leaving Korea now, I've seen it all.

(Hawkeye doesn't like mice)
BJ: You must have handled them in pre-med.
Hawkeye: I wouldn't even see one on a consultation.

Hawkeye: Winchester, the only people up in Korea at this hour are snipers and milkmen!

(looking for Daisy, Radar's mouse)
Hawkeye: Find her quick before the cook does!
BJ: Where could she be?
(woman screams)
Hawkeye: Found, one Daisy.
Radar: Don't step on her!

Klinger: I got KP coming up. I'll probably fall asleep on the pudding and die of a concussion.

Major Topper

Hawkeye: Where are the capsules?
BJ: Look under K. Here they are.

Charles (after one-upping Hawkeye and B.J. with a photo of himself having dinner with Audrey Hepburn): When will you two cretins realize that your feeble imaginations cannot keep up with my real life?

Boots Miller: Boots Miller on the move here in Korea, where the men are rugged. You can see it in their voices.

Season 7

Commander Pierce

Hawkeye: I'm a coward. My insignia is a cringing chicken. I don't know how to give orders!
Potter: That's all right. No one around here knows how to take 'em.

Margaret: Well, Doctor, as much as I hate to admit it, you ran that siege pretty well.
Hawkeye: We were great for half a staff. Damn that Hunnicutt, where is he? Technically, he's AWOL, you know. I could throw the book at him.
Margaret: I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the army?
Hawkeye: Since it was left to me.
Margaret: If only Frank Burns could see you now! It's not so easy to play the clown when you have to run the circus, is it?
Hawkeye: You finished, Major?
Margaret: Just one more thing. Permission to say 'it serves you right,' sir.
Hawkeye: Permission denied. Dismissed.

Radar: Well, if you were him and he was you, would you?
Hawkeye: That's catchy. Set that to music right away.

Klinger (to Charles): "Riff!? With all due respect, sir, may a pregnant camel give birth in your bunk!

Charles: Hunnicutt, I have met a lot of people in my life. You are not among them.

Hawkeye: Well don't listen to me!
Radar: Boy, I hate breaking in a new man!

Klinger: Colonel, I missed you!
Potter: No.
Klinger: About my heart murmur, Sir...
Potter: No.
Klinger: My double vision is coming back.
Potter: No.
Klinger: I've fallen in love with a goat!
Potter: No.
Klinger: Glad to have you back, Sir.

Peace On Us

Hawkeye (held upside-down to have his hair dyed red): I'll look like a tall Irish setter!
BJ: Any last words?
Hawkeye: We who are about to dye salute you!

Radar: What are you laughing at? This is supposed to cheer you up!

BJ: What's red? It’s not red, it's anti-green!

Hawkeye: Margaret, you know the regulations. What are you doing out here with clean clothes and no beard?
Margaret: Enjoying the most beautiful morning I've seen in weeks!
BJ: Where?

PA Announcement: Attention, all personnel. This is absolutely the final call for morning formation. Those survivors of last night's three-day party, who have not already fallen... please fall in.

Hawkeye: I love it! Peace talks! They talk, and we get blown to pieces.

Charles: Must you always spout scripture, Father?
Father Mulcahy: I'm afraid it's an occupational hazard.

Military Policeman: I'm looking for a Colonel Sherman Potter.
Father Mulcahy: He's over there: the one drinking with two hands.

MP: Actually Captain Pierce, I didn't come here to haul you away.
Hawkeye: Why not? I mean, Really?
MP: I came here to deliver a personal message from General Tomlin.
Hawkeye: (to Colonel Potter) My gastritis patient.
MP: The general would like you to know, for the record, that if he catches you within twenty miles of Panmunjeom, he will , and I quote, "toss you into the stockade and throw away the key." Now, off the record, he wishes he were a crazy doctor so he could get away with what you did.

Lil

Potter (after he finishes singing a song with Lil): I've heard better harmony from a machine gun.
Lil: Who was singing harmony?

Lil: Are you married, Margaret?
Margaret: I was, but he wasn't.

Radar: Colonel Rayburn? It's only noon, I mean 1200 hours, you're not supposed to be you for 600 hours.
Lil: Well take it from me, I'm me.

Margaret: Everything works like clock work around here.
Hawkeye: Nurse, wind me up.

Hawkeye (trying to guess what BJ stands for): Belvedere Jehosaphat.
BJ: Got it! First try.

Radar: (trying to get Hawkeye to put down B.J's file) What if Colonel Rayburn catches us?
Hawkeye: All right. I'll marry you.

Colonel Potter: (after leaving Colonel Rayburn's tent) I run this place. What am I leaving for?

Hawkeye: Who would name their kid B.J.?!
B.J.: My mother, Bea Hunnicutt, and my father, Jay Hunnicutt.
Hawkeye: Oh! Bea Jay! B.J.! You honestly expect me to belive that cockamamy story? Now what does it stand for?
B.J.: Anything you want.

Our Finest Hour

Hawkeye: I've established some wonderful temporary relationships with a lot of the nurses here. I like to think of myself as kind of the social director of the heart.

Clete Roberts: If you are going to hold a war, this is probably the most brutal climate on earth in which to do it.

Hawkeye: Our head nurse is really something. Major Houlihan... Margaret. Did I mention she's really something?

BJ: When you see the kind of horror that we do, day in and day out, you don't just feel close. You cling to each other.

Klinger: I hate the damn Army, but I love these people.

(Hawkeye lists things he misses)
Hawkeye: A mattress thicker than a matzoh, my own bathroom - with a combination lock, any woman out of any uniform, and the entire state of Maine.

Roberts: Captain Pierce, when you leave here, what memories will you take with you?
Hawkeye: That's easy: the face of every kid who comes through here.

(after Clete Roberts asks Klinger what he'll remember about serving in Korea)
Klinger: All the good times, that's what I'll remember. I think there were three.

The Billfold Syndrome

(Father Mulcahy is playing "I'm In The Lord's Army" on the piano)
Mulcahy: I've been doing this song for twenty minutes. I can't seem to find the ending.

Hawkeye: Sidney, what kept you?
Sidney: My jeep had a nervous breakdown.

Potter (about Sgt. Nielsen's amnesia): If he's lucky, he'll forget the whole damn war.

(trying to provoke Charles)
Hawkeye: Charles, your mother wears very expensive combat boots.
BJ: No, more vicious. I got one. Charles, your father buys his suits off the rack!
Hawkeye: Your parents voted for Roosevelt... four times!

Hawkeye: Don't you ever sleep?
Nielsen: Sleep, what's that?
Hawkeye: Close your eyes, put your head on your chest, and have nightmares about the war.
Nielsen: When you're a medic, you don't have to close your eyes.

Charles: Gentlemen, all here? Good. (hands a paper to Hawkeye) Telegram for you.
(BJ and Sidney go 'ooooohhhhh...')
Hawkeye: Should I, uhhh... open it?
BJ: I'd check it for wires first.
(Hawkeye shakes the paper and opens it; Charles has left)
Hawkeye: "Gentlemen. Heads up."
(Charles uses a jeep to collapse the roof of the Swamp)

None Like It Hot

Hawkeye: To willpower! Now quick drink, before I run after him.

Potter: That's one way out this man's army.
Klinger: I always thought of it as That Man's army.

Mulcahy: I have a good mind to baptise you both, in dirty water.

Mulcahy: Now just one blessed moment! I'll come out when my time is over, and not one minute less! This is my bath, and I'm taking it! So, there! . . . Forgive me.

PA Announcement: Attention, the Pierce/Hunnicutt bathtub is open on a first-come/first-soak basis. Your cooperation is appreciated, but not expected.

Margaret: I want it! [in reference to the bath tub]
Hawkeye: [who is still in the bath tub] Women often have that reaction when they see me naked.

Rhoden: No one says no to the scrounger.
Hawkeye: No?

They Call the Wind Korea

Klinger (upon being told he's driving Winchester to Seoul) Wait a second! I'm not crazy! I-- (to Potter) you didn't hear that, Sir.

(Nurse Bigelow comes into the Swamp)
Hawkeye: Beej, I'm ready to face the storm. Secure me to her!

Charles: Klinger, we're not on our way to Grandma's house - cook it!
Klinger: Major, there's a reason you don't see these things racing at Indianapolis!

Klinger: Major, we're lost! As in, "Officer, have you seen my mommy?"

Mulcahy: We've got a villager whose house collapsed around him and a young boy who chased his frightened livestock into a minefield.
Margaret: Dear God.
Mulcahy: He's been alerted.

BJ (after the lights go out in OR): Colonel, I'd like to complain about the working conditions.
Potter: Quiet, Hunnicutt.
BJ: It wasn't me. Somebody who looked like me.
Margaret: I don't believe this.
BJ: Anyone for a quick game of Charades?
Potter: Come on already!
[OR lights come on]
Hawkeye: Boy, you're some commander!

Charles: Colonel, WHERE is my chopper to Seoul?
Potter: Got me. Did you look under your bunk?

Charles: Be it ever so crumbled, there is no place like home.

Major Ego

BJ: Springtime in Korea, when the air is filled with pollen and bullets.

(BJ begins humming)
Hawkeye: You have just heard the ponderous words of Doctor Charles Emerson Supercillious, the only surgeon who can operate with one foot lodged in his mouth.

Charles: Why do people always go berserk when they meet a reporter?

Baby, it's Cold Outside

Potter: You don't think this is the proverbial 'hell freezing over' do you, Father?
Mulcahy: Oh, no, no. I'm sure I'd have been informed if anything that big were on the agenda.

(Radar enters the Mess Tent, everyone boos at him)
Radar: Colonel Potter, sir. All the heaters that you ordered are in post-op as per your order, sir.
Everyone: Boo!
Potter: Don't let it bother you, Radar. Help yourself to a cup of hot chocolate.
Radar: (still wearing a ski mask) I'd like to, sir, but chocolate makes my face break out.
Potter: Who's gonna know?

Hawkeye: And closer to home, we can expect a warming trend. Our midday temperatures reaching puberty levels, 13 to 16 degrees.

BJ: It'll look wonderful on you, Charles. Wear it in good health. (to Hawkeye) Tonight we poison his food.

Margaret: How can you wear that big, bulky suit in front of all these frostbite patients?
Charles: It's a little bulky, but I think I can manage.

Potter: Pierce, before the Major tells me to tell you to shut up, shut up.

Point of View

Private Rich: So long, sirs.
Hawkeye: Hey, what did I tell you? No unnecessary talking unless you meet a good looking nurse.

BJ: This meat is from the Civil War...blue on one side, grey on the other.

Hawkeye: I'm going to plug your tube and I want you to try to say a few words. Very slowly and carefully. Okay, talk.
Rich (in a raspy voice): I don't know what to say.
Hawkeye: You just spoke volumes.
Potter: Loud and clear.

Hawkeye: I have to look under your bandage. Army regulations. You could be hiding a Jeep.

Ferguson: You know, if we were in a phone booth, the Sarge would still tell us to spread out.

(Margaret is giving Private Rich a sponge bath)
Margaret: Just relax, private. I've done this hundreds of times and no one's ever died of embarrassment.

(Private Rich wakes up and sees Hawkeye looking at his chart)
Hawkeye: Oh, you caught me. I was just eavesdropping on your condition. These charts come in handy, you know? Everybody ought to have one. Somebody asks how you're doing, you don't have to answer. Just show them your chart. So how are you doing?
(Private Rich touches the chart)
Hawkeye: Wise guy, huh?

Hawkeye (to Private Rich): I know what you're thinking. This guy looks like he couldn't fix a bicycle tire. Well . . . I can't . But I'm gonna get you through this. You'll see.

Hawkeye: Klinger, you should know better. The Mess Tent is no place to bring a sick person!

Klinger: Colonel...
Potter:: What is now?
Klinger: Two things. First, I-CORPS is on the phone with their bi-weekly paper snafu. Second, and more importantly, I had nothing to do with it!

Klinger: Hey, Rich. Doctor Pierce said you could go ambulatory. How'd you like a tour of the grounds?
(Rich nods his head)
Klinger: Okay! (calls to a nurse) Lieutenant, could you bring that wheelchair over here? (turns back to Rich) I'll take you by the Mess Tent and you can see how it got its name.
Nurse: (brings by the wheelchair) All set?
Klinger: (about the chair) It's not a Packard, but did you ever try to push a Packard? And away we go!

Dear Comrade

Kwang: Why do you wear the uniform of a nurse?
Klinger: It's a disguise. I'm hiding from sanity.
Kwang: That's crazy.
Klinger: See? It's working!

Hawkeye: All my fleas are dead! [to Charles] MURDERER!

Potter (describing a rash): Well the symptoms are inflamed vesicles with crusting, and severe itching.
Hawkeye: Cha-cha-cha.
Potter (with mock surprise): No kidding! (covers the phone) He says it sounds like a reaction to something!

Out of Gas

Margaret: Look, let's just get this over with, shoot him.

Hawkeye: The cards up my sleeve are freezing.

Mulcahy: Just as the Lord said to Noah, "Everything in pairs."
Hawkeye: Of course the Lord was holding three aces at the time.

Klinger: All right people, I'm in charge now! Two minute break.

Margaret: Relax and breath deeply.
Hawkeye: That's easy, just look at her and sigh.

Radar: We're really up the river without a creek.

An Eye for a Tooth

Dear Sis

Mulcahy: As I write this, no one has shown up for my 10:00 excumenical service, but I'm not disappointed yet. It's only 11:30.

Potter (after a long OR session): There are mushrooms growing on the back of my tongue.

Charles: You held up a phone call to my sister so that he could bless a cow!?
Radar: Well, cows are people, too, you know.

Margaret: How would you like to be married to a skunk, Father?
Mulcahy: My religion forbids it.

Hawkeye (about the man Father Mulcahy punched): He's got good footwork, but he's weak in the clinches. My money's on you for the rematch.

Potter: If you ain't where you are, you're no place.

B.J. Papa San

Charles: Pierce, why must you always thwart my attempts to bring a little culture into this neolithic pup tent?
Hawkeye: Because I'm a music lover.

Hawkeye: Su Sing? Oh yeah, that nice little guy who sells vegetables to the company mess.
Radar: He's not so little.
Hawkeye: Don't be short with me, Radar.

General Prescott: You look familiar, Colonel. Do I know you?
Potter: I don't think so, General.
Prescott: Were you in World War II?
Potter: Yes, sir.
Prescott: I knew you looked familiar!

Hawkeye: They're finished.
Radar: You can tell that?
Hawkeye: Sure, she's leaning back on one antenna smoking a cigarette.

Hawkeye: Should I wait up for you?
BJ: I'll only be a couple of hours.
Hawkeye: It'll take you that long just to kiss those kids hello.

BJ: They'll just keep going south away from the war. Oh, Hawk. They don't even know about Cho-Duk. They don't even know their son is alive. That isn't fair. They take me away from my wife and kid, and I find something else to fill the gap and they take that away, too. Ain't right. *pause* DAMN IT, IT ISN'T RIGHT!!

Inga

Hawkeye: I am the essence of over confidence. I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome, yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life, I am appetite!
BJ: And I'm not taking my clothes off till he leaves.

Charles: You know how lumpy Swedish women can get in later life.
(Inga gives him a puzzled look)
Charles: Of course that would never...happen to you.

BJ: You assassinated his character?
Hawkeye: Yeah. I let him talk.

Margaret: I've got a big piece of news for you Captain. Charles is right. The fact that she's a woman is what gets you.

Hawkeye: You know something, Charles? Sitting here listening to you spout your bilge, I get a picture clear and sharp of the world's most perfect ass.
Charles: Are you referring to me?
Hawkeye: I'm referring to me.
Charles: Well, that's better.
BJ: Don't feel bad, Charles. You're just as perfect.

The Price

Margaret: Why was he in my shower?
Hawkeye: Isn't it obvious?
Mulcahy: Not for me.

Hawkeye: Does he understand English?
Radar: I'll find out. Do you speak English?
Patient: Yes.

The Young and the Restless

Potter: I just want to check the facts before I send your paperwork to HQ.
(referring to Section 8 form)
Klinger: I don't understand what you're talking about, but you're the foreman.
Potter: OK. Name, Max Klinger.
Klinger: Right. That's with one "X."
Potter: Place of birth?
Klinger: Toledo, Ohio.
Potter: Fine. Mother's maiden name?
Klinger: Abodeely. That's with 2 "E"'s.
Potter: Social Security Number?
Klinger: 556-78-2613.
Potter: Rank?
Klinger: Corporal.
Potter: Aha! Gotchya soldier!
(rips up Section 8 paper)

Captain Simmons: Give it a whirl sometime doctor.
Charles: You give it a whirl, sonny.
Potter: Getting all this, Pierce?
Hawkeye (reading a piece of paper): Give it a whirl sometime doctor. You give it a whirl, sonny.

Simmons: I'm sorry for being so young.
BJ: That's all right, you'll grow out of it.

Radar: Sir, you know you're limping again?
Potter: I'm not limping, I'm favoring my other leg.

Hawkeye: I'll save you the trouble, I know how how it ends: Peter Pancreas marries Princess Pelvis. They have a couple of kidneys and they all livered happily ever after.
BJ: You may be right, I'll look it up in the appendix.

Potter: You'll want to be there for two reasons. One, this is going to teach us all a new heart procedure. And second, it would be a nice gesture to your commanding officer, who could make your life miserable if he wanted to.

Hot Lips is Back in Town

Lieutenant Nugent: Do you dance, Radar?
Radar: Uh, no. Football knee.
Nugent: Oh, you played football?
Radar: Not much, I had a bad knee.

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. The Mess Tent is closed this afternoon for the medical staff meeting. Unfortunately, it will re-open for dinner at 1700 hours.

Potter (to Margaret): Tell your nurses not to be shy about hauling a litter if they have to. Some of them are stronger than I am.
Hawkeye: Can I have their names?

(Hawkeye and BJ are dressed up)
Hawkeye: Cato, sound retreat!
BJ: (blows a party whistle)

C*A*V*E

Hawkeye: With Klinger and Mulcahy's blood in him, this kid will wake up singing Ave Maria in Lebanese.

Hawkeye: I know there's plenty of air in there and the walls aren't going to cave in, but that's exactly what's going to happen, so let's just forget it.

Klinger: I demand you send out a patrol to rescue my wardrobe.
Potter: Into the cave with the rest of the bats.

Hawkeye: Can you imagine me as a turtle? I'd die of embarrassment - all the other turtles laughing at me in my underwear.

Rally Around the Flagg, Boys


Hawkeye (playing bridge): I'm reminded of a story, you've probably heard it. The king and queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs. Their son Jack remarked how strange it was that they only had two hearts between them. And just then his sister Little Deucy and her dog Tre started singing "Four Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," whereupon the whole family beat her to death and buried her with two spades. Did you get it?
Charles: Everybody did...
Hawkeye: Well I didn't. What do I bid?
Everyone in the swamp: Two clubs!
Hawkeye: Please, no prompting. (pause) I bid two clubs.

Flagg (interrogating Pierce in Post-Op): Pierce, (Pierce yelps) I'm gonna give you a chance, why'd ya do it?
Hawkeye: Oh, I don't know, why does anybody do it?
Flagg: Now you've done it.
Hawkeye: Well, you'll have to clean it up; I'm in a hurry.
Flagg: I've got you dead to rights, Ivan. You saved that commie crum-bum, why?
Hawkeye: Well it was something to do. Besides, he was dying.
Flagg: I'm on to you, Pierce! Now, you took a "Yellow Red" over a "White American" and that is pretty 'Pinko'!
Hawkeye: You're even boring in Technicolor.
Flagg: You're a Communist dupe! I've been waiting a long time for this, you're mine! Your butt is in my sling!
Hawkeye: OK, take me, I'm yours.
Flagg (looking apprehensive): I knew it, you're one of those, too. (Pierce rolls his eyes) But when I dig up the proof, real or otherwise, that you're the traitor that I know you are, then I'll know it and you'll know it, too!
Hawkeye: It's been nice talking to you.
(Hawkeye brings his arm around and shows his fingers were crossed)

Hawkeye: Testing, 1,2,3, testing. Calling all cars! Come in, Dick Tracy!
Charles: Don't do that for my benefit, Pierce, I am already convinced that you are mad.
Hawkeye: Not mad, justifiably paranoid. It's called the Flagg Syndrome. Whenever that guy shows up around here, I start looking for hidden microphones.
Charles: Aren't you exaggerating just a wee bit? He may be a mite overzealous, but he's no Mata Hari.
Hawkeye: That guy would turn in his own mother for passing along a recipe.
Charles: You don't like the fellow, do you?
Hawkeye: No, I've never been too fond of a guy who would bring you a wounded prisoner and beg you to fix him up just so that he could take him out and shoot him.
Charles: That bad, hmmm?
Hawkeye: I don't see anything here. I think I'll go sing Carmen in the latrine. The echo'll kill him.

Charles: (finding a paper by the North Korean's pillow) Hello, what have we here?
Flagg: That's for me, whatever it is.
Charles: Perhaps it is a note from his superiors excusing him from further questioning
Flagg: It's a diagram of a camp.
Charles: Looks like this camp.
Flagg: Looks like this camp.
Charles: There's a circle around my quarters.
Flagg: Pierce's quarters. Ah so, a little rendezvous. What's this at the bottom? A circle with two arrows in it.
Charles: A clock.
Flagg: A clock.
Charles: Ten o'clock
Flagg: Ten o'clock. Yes, I think I can fit this into my schedule.

Flagg: Alright, cards up and drop those hands!
Potter: What the Sam Hill-?
Hawkeye: I was just going to ask who was dummy.
Flagg: Grab those cards, they're evidence.
Doo Pak: (says something in Korean)
Flagg: Speak English!
Potter: I'll speak English! What is this idiocy about?
Flagg: Your spy ring.
Potter: Spy ring?
Flagg: Very clever, hiding under a house of cards while you plot the overthrow of the free world.
Hawkeye: He's got us, guys, we might as well confess. I'm Joe Stalin. Mao Tse-Tung, Marshall Tito, and, of course, you already know Lenin. What can I say, we couldn't get a room in the Kremlin.

M.P.: I think you made a little mistake, Colonel.
Flagg: I don't make little mistakes.
Hawkeye: You're going to lose your magic decoder ring for this one, Flagg.

Flagg: I see it now...this is bigger than all of you! This is a major conspiracy, and I'll get to the bottom of this even if I have to go right to the top! (Flagg turns out the lights)
Potter: Flagg, you nut!
Hawkeye: Colonel, now's our chance! Switch decks!
Potter: Get a light on! (Someone turns on the lights) He's gone.
Hawkeye: I don't think he was ever here. Just a bad dream we all had.
Potter: My apologies to the both of 'ya. Can you imagine that rube thinking we were a spy ring?
(Charles snickers)
Hawkeye: Charles, you didn't have anything to do with this, did you?
Charles: Me? Not a chance, wouldn't waste my time. Unless of course, it was good for a laugh. (Charles snickers again)
Hawkeye: (laughing) You did! You set him up!
Doo Pak: I don't get it.
Potter: The Major will explain while he plays.
Hawkeye: (looking shocked) While HE plays!?!?

Flagg: Pierce is hiding something, find out what it is and name your price.
Charles: One, you cannot afford my price. And two, what are you talking about?
Flagg: Don't kid with me, I have no sense of humor.
Charles: You could have fooled me.
Flagg: I knew Pierce was the rottenest apple in this sleazy barrel, and this whole business with the North Korean proves it! He's a Com Symp or worse! Problem is I, uh, don't have the proof. You're his bunky, get it.
Charles: For a man with no sense of humor, you are awfully funny.
Flagg: Do you believe that I can break your leg with this finger?
Charles: Strangely enough, I-I-I do.
Flagg: Smart boy.

Preventative Medicine

Potter: Sometimes when a man's anxious to stick out a glad hand, it's because he's got something up his sleeve.

BJ (to Hawkeye): You may have treated a symptom, but the disease lives merrily on.

A Night at Rosie's

Hawkeye: The Breakfast of Ex-Champions. Listen to that. Snap, crackle and burp.

Sculley: Why don't we form our own country?
Hawkeye: Yeah, right. There, you see what you did Uncle Sam? We seceded from the Union.
Sculley: Hey, wait a minute, don't we gotta give our country a name? Otherwise how can school kids ever study about us?
Hawkeye: Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah, ok. Uh, all right a name. All right, ok I got it. How's this, Canada?
Sculley: What?
BJ: I think that's been used.
Hawkeye: All right, then let's name it after the founder Rosie. How's this, Rosie Land.
BJ: Rosieland is the name of a ballroom not a country.
Hawkeye: If you let me call it Rosie Land I'll be LaVerne.
BJ: Rosieland, perfect.
Hawkeye: Rosie, another round.
Rosie: Everybody drinking, anybody paying?
Hawkeye: How about a bottle on the house? We just declared you crummy saloon to be a sovereign new state, Rosie Land.
Rosie: I gotta start watering the booze.
Hawkeye: Our motto is "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happy Hour".

Hawkeye: Has anyone explained to you the philosophy of Rosie Land?
Nurse: No, but someone wanted to use my underwear for a flag.
Hawkeye: Oh, that would be our Secretary of the Interior.

Radar: Oh sir, thank goodness you're here or I wouldn't have found you here.

Mulcahy: This isn't one of my sermons. I expect you to listen!

Hawkeye: You can't spank us, Colonel.

Ain't Love Grand

(Hawkeye is sleeping in Radar's office and the phone wakes him up)
Hawkeye: Hello, M*A*S*H 4-0 something something, and you've got a lot of nerve calling in the middle of the night!

Potter (about Klinger): Is he wearing a class A uniform?
Hawkeye: Let's see. Ugly color, forty years out of style, fits like a tent? Yeah that's a Class A all right.

Hawkeye: My body is so tired it's suing me for running a sweatshop.

Charles: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have--oh give me a drink.

The Party

Hawkeye (unpacking): This brings back fond memories. When I was in pre-med, I worked part-time for a moving company. I could pack a 30-piece set of china in ten minutes. Less if they didn't mind having a 60-piece set.

Hawkeye: Do you realize what time it is? It's a quarter to dead!

Potter (upon hearing about Mrs. Potter dancing with Hawkeye's dad at the party): Pierce, if your father is anything like you, we're going to have a long, long talk about this.

B.J.:I can see us all sitting at a reunion ten years from now.
Hawkeye:Yeah, the war's been over for a month, we all have gray hair, Charles has his in a box.

Season 8

Too Many Cooks

Are You Now, Margaret?

Williamson: Do you always treat enemy soldiers?
Hawkeye: Of course not, only if they're sick.

Hawkeye(sarcasticly): Freedom! Disgusting! Next thing you know they'll be threatening us with liberty and justice for us all!

Potter: When you're wearing a green tuxedo, you dance where they tell you.

Potter: The only way they should serve these meatballs is with a ping pong paddle.

Klinger (popping out of wall-closet and taking a picture): V.I.P makes major mistake.
Williamson: What was that?
Margaret: It ten o'clock.
Hawkeye (Entering Margaret's tent with BJ and Charles): Did someone flash?
Williamson: There is someone in that wall-locker!
BJ: There is?
Hawkeye: Oh my, you must...
Charles: You're right, they're everywhere.
BJ: (to Klinger, who is in the wall-locker) Klinger, is there someone in here?
Klinger: No. I've been in here twenty minutes and I haven't seen anyone!

BJ (to Williamson, who is leaving) Wait a second! It's three poses for a quarter. You still have two left.
Hawkeye: Yeah. You can get one of each face.

Williamson: Enjoy your jokes...people. But you have been duped by a Communist sympathizer [Margaret]!
Charles: What a coincidence, so have you!

Klinger (passing out copies of Stars & Stripes to the officers): Here; read this.
Hawkeye (reading): "Scandal Rocks Capitol Hill. Congressman Daniel Lurie-!"
Everyone else: *gasps of surprise*
Hawkeye (reading on): "-Caught in Washington Love Nest with Aide's Wife! 'My-my husband drove me to it,' sobbed a tearful-"
Everyone (reading together): "-L. Shirley Williamson!"
Hawkeye (reading on): "'I needed more than a man who's married to his work first and me second!'"
Margaret: Now wait, wait. That seems fair. He had the Congressman's ear, and she got everything else!

Guerilla My Dreams

(Klinger has just brought Charles a bottle of Napoleon brandy)
Charles: Ah...Napoleon. If you'd given more of this to Josephine...she might have stayed home nights.

B.J.: Oh none for me. It offends my palate, not to mention my co-palate.

Klinger: It ain't easy being an old dog-face.
Korean Guard: Do you get him?
Second Korean Guard: Yeah. He's unhappy because he has the face of a dog.
First Korean Gueard: And the nose of a duck.

Goodbye, Radar (Part 1)

(Col. Potter walks into the Swamp)
Potter: Either of you seen Radar?
Hawkeye: Last I saw him he was in the Officer's Club having a touch of the grape.
BJ: Why? What's wrong?
Potter: Plenty. I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa. Radar's Uncle Ed passed away.
Hawkeye: Oy.
Potter: Yeah, oy.


Radar:And to top it all off, my Nehi is warm.

Goodbye, Radar (Part 2)

(When Radar refuses to leave)
Hawkeye: We all wait for that day! We dream about it! We pray for it! We'd sacrifice a virgin to it if we could find one! How dare you!!
Radar: I'm sorry, there's too much around here I gotta do!
Hawkeye: No no no no, you're not pulling that tripe on me! They've been holding wars long before you signed up, and the fun'll continue long after you leave! Let me put this as gracefully as I can: We don't need you!
Radar: Oh, ya don't huh? How's your generator? Is Klinger gonna find you one? If things got tough, and you were the one that was leavin', you'd stay!
Hawkeye: Don't bet on it. I'd be outta here so fast my shorts would have to catch the next plane!
Radar: Oh, yeah yeah. I saw ya workin' in OR with your hurt finger. You'd stay!
Hawkeye: Don't go poking your nose into my finger
Radar: Hey, listen, I got responsibilities around here, just like you.
Hawkeye: You've got responsibilities at home, you jackass!
Radar: Well how about if I wanna make up my own mind? I'm no kid anymore, ya know! I've been around.
Hawkeye: Oh, excuse me, Mr. Globetrotter.
Radar: That's right, I'm grown up now.
Hawkeye: Why bless my soul, Mrs. O'Reilly's little boy is a big man now. I guess you've outgrown all that other stuff, huh? Ottumwa, the farm - your mother - Oh! Your mother! Have you outgrown your responsibility to her?
Radar: Listen, how I take care of my mom is my business. You said it yourself, Hawkeye. Nobody should tell somebody else how to run their life!

Potter: Listen, Radar, I guess you realize I'm kinda fond of you. Lord knows I've never met a soul I could depend on more, but above all that, you've been a damn good friend. Well, friend, it's time we said goodbye. Time you got on with your life. You've come as far as you can go here. You've earned your wings... now you've gotta fly.

Potter: Well son, I guess we can take it from here.
Radar: Yes, sir, I guess you can.
Potter (choking up): It's not exactly the way I wanted to say goodbye, Radar.
Radar: Me either, sir.
Potter: Godspeed, son. (hugs)

Radar (his last line in M*A*S*H): I'm ready, let's go.

Period of Adjustment

Potter: It's not going to easy being patient with a Company Clerk who so far can't find a hippo in a foot locker.

Hawkeye: If you are ordering nurses, order me one, with everything to go!

BJ: Here's mud in your eye.
Hawkeye: Beats knuckles any day!

BJ: Well, if it isn't Benjamin Franklin Pierce Hawkeye, named for a president, an Indian, and a stove.

BJ (sobbing): I can see him standing there holding her hand, laughing. Peg smiling, wearing the perfume she wears. I can see him giving Erin the present...I sent for her...touching her hair...getting the hug I should've gotten. Radar's home Hawk, I should be glad for him...but I'm not! I'm so torn up with envy I almost hate him. And I feel the same way about Trapper and I never even met him! But he built that still with you, and he...he's home too!

Hawkeye: I've been stuck in this sewer longer than you have, and nobody wants out of here more than I do!
BJ: No?
Hawkeye: No, and let me tell you something else: you're wasting your time with that stuff! I can tell you from personal experience it won't work for long!
BJ: Really?
Hawkeye: Yeah! It may get you drunk, but it won't get you home!
BJ: Oh yeah?! (proceeds to break the still)
Hawkeye: What are you doing?!
BJ: Just trying not to waste any more time!

Hawkeye: I'll be in conference with my pillow.
Charles: Only if you can avoid your bunkmate Hunnicutt, last seen awash in a sea of that home-brewed swill of yours.
Hawkeye: Very boring, Charles. I've seen BJ drink before.
Charles: Pierce...not like this. If I were his liver, I would sue for separate maintenance.
Hawkeye: In that case, I'll try to fall asleep before I get there.

Charles: That rapier-like wit! I've seen snappier comebacks from a bowl of Rice Krispies!
Klinger: Oh, first I'm a plant; now, I'm breakfast food! What next?!
Charles: Well, you're crude and unrefined...how about petroleum?

(Charles and Margaret come back after searching for Klinger and BJ)
Potter: Any news? Did you see either of them?
Charles: No, but we have been regaled with glorious tales of their exploits. They are together, and sparing you the sordid details they are setting new standards for inebriate behavior. Additionally we may be teetering on the brink of war with the Marines.

Potter: So far you have performed your duties with the efficiency of a one-legged man at a BUTT kicking contest!

Klinger (drunkenly): Oh God, BJ! He's gonna beat me up!
Potter: Come on Klinger.
Klinger: Yes sir, Colonel. So long pal, it was nice getting bagged with you
BJ (also drunk): Colonel, don't hit him in the nose. He's got a snootful!

Nurse Doctor

Mulcahy: I had to give a girl the brush-off!
Hawkeye: (stunned): Would you mind repeating that, I think the sun was in my ears.

Mulcahy: She hugged the stuffing out of me.

Hawkeye: Well I don't blame her Father, I think you're as cute as the dickens.

Private Finance

Hawkeye: Who am I, the community chest? What the hell am I supposed to do with this money?
(Colonel Potter and Margaret grin at each other.)

Potter: Sun Li, could you please tell your mother to stop threatening to let the air out of Klinger?

Mulcahy: You know, you'd make a fine priest.
Hawkeye: Aa, thanks Father, I don't think it would work out. Besides, the only Latin I know is Xavier Cugat.

Potter (to Hawkeye): This is the happy hour. Angry hour starts at ten!

Mr. and Mrs. Who?

(Charles is extremely relieved to learn he is not married..)
Charles: In that event, you wouldn't mind answering an extremly personal question?
Donna Marie: Of course not!
Charles: What is your name?

Charles: On only one other occasion in my life did I even approach that level of inebriation.
Donna: When was that?
Charles: It was the night after I graduated from Harvard Medical School, I distinctly remember trying to swim the Charles River in cap and gown, reasoning that since it was named after me, it was my river.
Donna: Well of course. Did you get married then, too?
Charles: Nope. Got pneumonia!

(Final scene - everyone here is completely plastered)
Hawkeye: We are gathered here in conclave met...(Klinger hiccups)...thank you...for two reasons: one, to celebrate Corporal Shaw's first night out [from surviving hemorrhagic fever] (cheers from group) and, b, to officially dissolve the ersatz marriage of Mr. and Mrs. "Chuck" Winchester.
Charles: Cuddles, cuddles...cuddles...
Hawkeye: Father, I realize that...that this ceremony will not...will not be in line with the basic tenets of your religion.
Potter: I di...didn't know te-tennis was a re-religion.
Mulcahy: No ecclesiastical conflicts, Hawkeye; the bartender who married them was a druid!
Hawkeye: Father, if you'll just get ready to play "So Long, It's Been Good To Know You". Is the flower girl, ready?
Margaret: Absolutely! A bouquet of four roses!
Hawkeye: And, now, to perform the ceremony, the Ir-reverend J.B. Honeydew!
(BJ staggers in front of the "Winchesters" with a comic book in hand)
BJ: Hit it, Father.
(Mulcahy starts playing the piano)
BJ: Do you, Chuck Emerson Winchester III, take this lovely if gullible young woman as your un-lawful, un-wedded un-wife?
Charles: I undo.
BJ: And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester the Third, take this pickled amnesiac as your un-lawful, un-wedded, un-hubby?
Donna Marie: I undo, too.
BJ: Now with the power invested in me by the state of intoxication, I pronounce you man and woman. You may now ignore the bride.

The Yalu Brick Road

Potter: Your turkeys gave everybody the trots!
Klinger: My turkeys were first-class birds; genuine Army issue!
Rizzo: Sure...war surplus!
Klinger: They came straight from From Sergeant Thermopolous at I-Corp quartermaster and if anybody knows turkeys it's Thermopolous. This was one of my biggest deals.
Rizzo: You had to go to Thermopolous, didn't you?! I coulda got us good turkeys from a crook you could trust!

Hawkeye: Would you slow down to the speed of sound, I can't hear myself scream.
BJ: Klinger said we had to hurry.
Hawkeye: It's only 74 miles as the jeep flies.
BJ: It might be more than that, we're lost.
Hawkeye: Lost?! As in where the hell are we?!
BJ: We're not totally lost, we're still in Asia.
Hawkeye: I thought you said this was a shortcut!
BJ: It is a shortcut! Look how fast we got lost!

Rizzo: Hey, Father, can I make a confession?
Mulcahy: Certainly Sergeant.
Rizzo: I murdered somebody...tomorrow.
Klinger: C'mon, I'm trying to help!
Rizzo: You wanna help? Die on your own.

(Charles explaining that he doesn't wash sheets or clean bedpans)
Charles: I'd sooner do the Lindy with Eleanor Roosevelt.

(Hawkeye, BJ and "Ralph" are walking back to the 4077th because BJ crashed their jeep. They encounter a Korean man trapped underneath a hay wagon.)
Hawkeye: Allow me to introduce ourselves. That's Ralph, I'm Pierce, and this is Hunnicutt; you probably know each other from driving school.

Charles: Who is that man? What's he doing?
BJ: Shame on you, Charles. You don't recognize the international symbol for touchdown?

(Ralph yells and gesticulates as Hawkeye and BJ head towards post-op)
BJ: Well c'mon Ralph, we've come this far together, don't be a stranger.
Hawkeye: Besides, there's a whole ward of people you haven't surrendered to yet.

Klinger: (on the phone) Thermopolous? Klinger. You know that turkey you sold me? Stuff it!

Life Time

Mulcahy: Dear God, I've never asked You this before, and I don't know what You're going to think of me for asking now, but if You're going to take him anyway, please take him quickly, so we can save the other boy.

Hawkeye: We're 3 1/2 minutes over! Damn it!!
BJ: Maybe the hypothermia bought us some time.
Hawkeye: Yeah, on the other hand, maybe it didn't.
BJ: Hawk, we saved his life.
Hawkeye: Yeah, well I guess that's something.
BJ: It's more than something, it's everything.

(The patient is wiggling his toes, proving he's not paralyzed. Hawkeye, BJ and Margaret jump for joy, a blood-drained Charles resting nearby)
Margaret: WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!
BJ: We made a man who's part George and part Harold!
Charles: And part Winchester.
Hawkeye: That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous or pompous!

Dear Uncle Abdul

Klinger: Holy Toledo! Either that bird hit a land mine, or you just shot down a kamikaze pigeon!

BJ: Specialty today is ambush stew: It'll attack you when you least expect it.

Klinger (to Hawkeye and BJ about the funniest person in the camp): You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my Uncle Abdul about what kind of place I work in. Doctors, nurses, saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties. And a snooty major who pays me twenty bucks to follow him out into the woods with him and watch him blow up a pigeon with a land mine. And if that doesn't do it for you, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you two guys do is walk around all day telling jokes. What the hell is so funny about that?

Mulcahy (singing): There's no one singing war songs now, like people used to do
No 'Over There', no 'Praise the Lord', no 'Glory Hallelujah'
Perhaps at last we've asked ourselves what we should have asked before
With the pain and death this madness brings, what were we ever singing for?

Hawkeye: No more rivalry; no more trying to outdo each other all the time.
BJ: Trying to top each other is just silly.
Hawkeye: You're absolutely right pal. (Shows BJ his "mustache")

Margret::(After learning I-corps won't replace her footlocker unless it was damaged in combat,she shoots her footlocker) There I was in my tent, suddenly a sniper leaped out and fired two shots. Bang! Bang! Without hesitation my valiant footlocker threw itself into the direct line of fire giving its life so that I might live! (Kicks the footlocker at Klinger) Now take this worthless piece of junk and make it fast or I'll use the same technique to replace a defective company clerk!!

Captain Outrageous

Potter (about Father Mulcahy's promotion): Padre, I've got more brass in on this than John Philip Sousa's trombone section!

Potter (about a General): The man graduated 312th out of 320 and he says he's gonna do his best.

Mulcahy: So I suggest you remember what it says in the good book: Love thy neighbor or I'll punch your lights out!

Rizzo: Keep the change.
Charles: Thank you most kindly, now I can get the operation for the wife.

Mulcahy (after finally receiving his captain's bars): This experience has taught me a valuable lesson. The meek may inherit the earth but it's the grumpy who gets promoted!

Stars and Stripes

Hawkeye: I'm olive drab with envy.

BJ: I still can't believe it, the American College of Surgeons.
Hawkeye: Some college, they don't even have a decent football team.

Margaret: I'm just as much a major as any other major. You'll notice these leaves come in gold, not pink for girls and blue for boys.

Margaret: You different men are all alike.

Margaret: Klinger, I need a dress that shows I'm soft, alluring, and demure. And if you don't help me, I'm gonna break your cheeks.

(arguing over who deserves more credit in the paper they are writing)
Charles: Boob.
BJ: Idiot!
Potter (entering the Swamp): Excuse me Captain Boob, Major Idiot.

Hawkeye (to Margaret): Maybe you and I are just too choosy. We're both looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.

Yessir, That's Our Baby

(after finding a baby on the "doorstep" of the Swamp)
Charles: Gentlemen, at the risk of making an irresponsible accusation, I may have located the source of the crying.
Hawkeye: All right, that does it. Someone call Selective Service and tell them they've gone too far.

Charles: I've talked to everyone in the camp - which, by the way, is a first for me - and no one saw or heard a thing. A fact confirmed by our ever-vigilant sentries and their seeing-eye dogs.

Klinger: (speaking to the nurses about his future child) It'll be a son - not that I have anything against girls, I married one once. But it'll be a boy. Somebody I can take to Mudhens games, shoot a rack of eight ball with, go bowling. Then again I could get very attached to a little girl. And I've got a footlocker full of hand-me-downs!

(after it is suggested that he fathered a baby in Korea)
B.J.: You're lucky we're doctors 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in your body.

Bottle Fatigue

BJ: Just put my tab on my tab.

Hawkeye: All right, this time you've gone too far, Igor. This isn't a bill, it's a phone number. $38.20?? I can't be responsible for this, I must have been drunk at the time.

Hawkeye: Ah, Lt. Mendenhall, as I live and breathe heavily.

BJ: I quit not drinking when I was a kid.

Charles: Pierce, you remind me of a dog I once had. He too was cheerful in the morning so I gave him to a family of immigrant Japanese and they ate him.

Charles: (reading his letter from Honoria) Dear God in heaven.
Hawkeye: What happened in Boston, Charlie?
BJ: Honoria make the big tag team match? (referring to a comment he made earlier in which he asked if Honoria was a lady wrestler)
Charles: How could she allow this to happen to her? Mother and Father must be beside themselves.
Hawkeye: What's the matter? Is she sick?
Charles: Worse than that, she's engaged...to an Italian.

Charles: (trying to get the phone in Klinger's office to work) Hello. Hel-Hello. Hello. Hello. Of course this infernal contraption doesn't work. Why should it? Wasn't Marconi an Italian? Hel-(finally getting a response) Hello. About time. I want to place a call to Boston, Lawrence-8464. Yes, Boston, Massachusetts, you geographic whiz. Who am I? Who are you? Sparky, eh. Well, Sparky, flash this call through immediately. I - it's an emergency, I need no authorization. Oh, is that so? Well, I am a Major and you are a supercilious twit with a name befitting a cocker spaniel! Now for the last time... (Klinger enters) Klinger! Thank heaven. Here, explain to Alexander Dumbbell that I must get through to Boston immediately.
Klinger: Boston, Massachusetts?
Charles: No! It's spending the winter in Florida
Klinger (speaking into the phone): Hello, to whom do I have the pleasure?
Charles: Sparky.
Klinger: Oh, Sparky, hey, long time no...huh? Well I uh...I can't talk about it now, he's standing right next to me...all right, I'll tell him. (Klinger hangs up the phone) Sorry, no personal phone calls to the zone of interior, matters of military urgency only, no exceptions.
Charles: This is military urgency. My sister has surrendered to an Italian.
Klinger: Wow, this could be the end of civilization as we know it.
Charles: Klinger, just get me through to the telegraph office in Seoul.
Klinger: No can do, guerrillas knocked it out yesterday. Just relax, sir.
Charles: Relax?! Are you insane?! Well, how would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy dark-haired olive picker?
Klinger: She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)
Charles: Did I say something to offend him?

Charles (entering Col. Potter's tent while the Colonel is still sleeping): Colonel, it is imperative that I get to Boston.
Potter: Boston, Massachusetts?
Charles (exasperated): Yes. Yes, Boston, Massachusetts.
Potter: Now, just hang on to your homburg, Winchester. You come barreling into you C.O.'s bunkhouse, bellow at him like a berserk buffalo, aggravating his anger and his hangover, all because you want to bug out! How'd you like to be spending the rest of the war with a bull's-eye on your dome?
Charles: Perhaps I have expressed myself with too much pique. I'm under terrible stress. You see, my beloved sister, Honoria, has betrothed herself.
Potter: Well, congrats all around. Who's the lucky caballero?
Charles: No! No! No. You don't understand, the man is Italian.
Potter: OK, lucky pesano. Look, I know how much you want to be there for the nuptials, but if I let you leave, people will be wanting furloughs for Groundhog's Day.
Charles: Sir, I do not wish to attend the nuptials, I wish to prevent them.
Potter: How's that?
Charles: Surely as a horseman you can understand, you do not sire a fine thoroughbred with Tony the Pony.
Potter: Well, when you put it that way, I can see your problem. Permission...denied. Good night.
Charles: Sir! Consider poor Honoria; she's young, she's infatuated, she's an idiot.
Potter: Look, boy! Aren't you being a bit hifalutin on this score? This is America. Remember those words inscribed on the lady with the lamp: "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses".
Charles (Leaving Potter's tent): What do you think slums are for?!

(in the mess tent getting food)
Mulcahy: Good afternoon, Major.
Charles: That is your opinion, Father.
Mulcahy: Huh?
Igor: Entrée, sir?
Charles: What is it?
Igor: Italian meatballs.
Charles: No! My sister's marrying one.
Mulcahy: You know, Major, perhaps it is not my place, but I'd like to point out that the Italian people have given the world a great deal. Art, culture, the Renaissance. I hope you'll reflect on this and try to accept the situation.
Charles: Thank you Father, but the closest I can come to acceptance is when I console myself with the fact that at least she's not marrying an Irishman. (Father Mulcahy drops his tray of food on Charles's feet)
Charles: Why is everyone so testy?

Heal Thyself

Klinger: (afraid of catching mumps): If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult. But if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids.

BJ: Our cook should be stoned to death. With his own pancake.

Hawkeye: Pulverized citrus! These maniacs will stop at nothing!
(Potter has trouble swallowing his OJ)
BJ: We forgot to warn you about the powdered pits.

BJ (about Charles not having had mumps): His butler got them for him.

Steve Newsome (after tasting Swamp gin): Now I know what the corporal's spraying the office with.

(Charles beats Potter at gin rummy)
Charles: Colonel, it hardly requires an advanced degree in differential calculus to master the numerical sequence of ace-deuce-trey.

Charles: Ah, Zane Grey, Tolstoy with spurs.
Potter: He happens to be a great writer.
Charles: Colonel, what gin rummy is to games of skill, Zane Grey is to literature.

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel! Rise and whine! More wounded coming in! Don't make any plans for the weekend--or the week!

(looking at Potter's painting)
Charles: That is either a horse or the RCA building.
Potter: It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!
Charles: Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!

Hawkeye (during a brutal OR session): This can't be real! Come on all you guys, sit up and say "April Fool's" please!

(Newsome sitting in Potter's tent still wearing his surgical gown covered in blood)
Newsome:The blood won't come off. No matter what I do it just stays there. See, look at that. It's never going to go away...no matter how hard I scrub or how much I wash...it's going to stay there. Where do they come from? What do they...what do they expect me to do? I can't...I can't...

(After Newsome breaks down)
BJ: He was as strong as any of us.
Hawkeye: That's what scares me.

Old Soldiers

Klinger: Sir, telephone.
Potter: Telephone?! It's three-thirty in the blessed AM! Even the roosters are comatose!
Klinger: So was I a minute ago.
Potter: All right. If this fellow isn't a general, I'm gonna sing him a four letter aria he won't forget.

Potter: It's a tragedy people have to eat horses, they're beautiful animals. You ever take a peek at a cow or a pig? They're ugly. We're doing them a favor by eating 'em . Saves 'em the agony of looking at their reflections in the trough every morning. But a horse, that's a noble beast. Why, in the cavalry, a man's steed was his best friend, a real companion. Where do people get off making pork chops out of them? Too much killing in this world, too much death. No respect for people, for tradition, for life. The whole world is spinning down the tubes and nobody even seems to notice. I don't know, I...(breaking off due to the looks of the others)

(in the lab preparing tetanus shots for the Korean children)
Hawkeye: OK, ten shots, one every two hours.
Charles: Ah, a mere twenty hours 'til we are released from the munchkin horde.
BJ: Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?

Morale Victory

Potter: You two baboons spoiled a swell movie!
Hawkeye: No, we didn't! It's been here so long, it's spoiled by itself.
Everyone: Yeah!
BJ: I've seen better film forming in my soup.
Potter: Yeah? Well I happen to think this is a fine piece of celluloid. As a matter of fact, it's mine and Mildred's favorite. Mildred loves Charles Boyer. This is a war, you know! Be grateful that we got a talkie!
Hawkeye: We are, but don't you think we deserve a little decent entertainment?! God knows everything else around here stinks!

Hawkeye: Ah, the immortal words of Elizabeth Barret Winchester: "How do I love me, let me count the ways."
BJ: Yowser, yowser, once again from the arrogant's ballroom you've just heard Satchmo Winchester blowing his own horn.
Charles (laughing): Spew on supercilious twits.

(Potter telling BJ and Hawkeye they are the new morale officers)
Potter: Ah, that wit and humor warms the cockles of this old ticker boys. Morale here is lower than a gopher's basement. But quicker than that, I expect to see this whole post doing huzzahs and handsprings. Any questions? Fine! Don't forget I want to see everybody SMILING! (BJ and Hawkeye leave but turn back) SMILING!

Potter (sarcastically): Evening Captains Heckle and Jekyll, I would have been here sooner but I stopped to watch the dancing in the streets.

Potter (to Hawkeye and BJ): How could you 3-day suckers give Klinger a blank pass? That's like the warden asking Willie Sutton to lock up the hoosegow.

(Charles trying to comfort a wounded soldier who before the war was a concert pianist and has now lost the use of three fingers)
Charles:Don't you see? Your hand may be stilled, but your gift cannot be silenced if you refuse to let it be.
David Sheridan: Gift? You keep talking about this damn gift. I had a gift, and I exchanged it for some mortar fragments remember?
Charles: Wrong! Because the gift does not lie in your hands. I have hands David, hands that can make a scalpel sing. More than anything in my life, I wanted to play. But I do not have the gift. I can play the notes, but I cannot make the music. You've performed Liszt, Rachmaninoff, Chopin. Even if you never do so again, you've already known a joy that I will never know as long as I live. Because the true gift is in your head, and in your heart, and in your soul. Now you can shut it off forever, or you can find new ways to share you gift with the world, through the baton, the classroom, the pen. As for these works...they're for you. Because you and the piano will always be as one.

Lend a Hand

Klinger: The way they do things in the army is the stupidest thing I ever saw. Nothing going on, they should let us go home. As soon as it got busy, I promise, I'd be back like that. I'd even leave my uniform here for security. Am I right, Major? Doesn't that make sense?
Charles: Curiously enough Corporal, yes it does. Not only would your empty uniform stand up straighter, it would be better company.
Klinger: Oh, is that so?
Charles: (groans sarcastically) Touché, once again I lie mortally wounded skewered by your rapier wit.
Margaret: Oh don't be so high and mighty, Chucky.
Charles: Ch-?!
Margaret: We haven't heard any conversation from you at all. All we ever get out of you is polysyllabic put-downs.
Everybody: Yeah!
Klinger: Ah, polysyllabic put-downs.
Margaret (to everybody): Oh blow it out your bagpipes!

(discussing a surprise birthday party for Hawkeye in the Swamp)
BJ: Hawkeye only has a birthday once a year, I think we ought to do something special.
Margaret: I think the party ought to have a theme.
Charles: A theme. Yes. How about Cro-Mangnon man. Perfect for Pierce's Neanderthal mentality.
Mulcahy: You know, I think it would be fun if we had a masquerade party.
Charles: The brain, Father, shrivels at the thought.
BJ: Oh no, I think that's kind of a good idea. We can all dress in civilian clothes and come as actual people.
Klinger: What about something really crazy? You know, like the world's biggest sandwich, you know, like 27 feet long.
Charles: What about we do something civilized?
Klinger: Like what?
Charles: Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from Edna St. Vincent Millay.
Margaret: This is for Pierce?
BJ: Oh he'd love it once we got him tied to the chair.
Klinger: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don't wanna be entertained by somebody with three names unless it's Gypsy Rose Lee.
Charles: This cultural commentary's been brought to you by Max Swineish Klinger.
Margaret: Come on now, what are we going to do to really surprise Hawkeye?
BJ: Well if all else fails, we could fire a bazooka up his long johns.
Charles (laughing): Now you're talking.
Mulcahy: I'm telling you, a costume party would really be fun.
Charles: Father, I refuse to take part in a senseless bash which serves only as a reminder that Pierce was ever born.
Margaret: If we could only think of the right theme. I'm sure everyone would be very excited about it.
Klinger: Wait! Put away your thinking caps, I got it. Imagine if you will the world's biggest salami.
Charles: We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.

(examining a birthday cake)
Klinger: A real work of art, huh Major?
Charles: A veritable masterpiece Klinger, with one minuscule flaw. You have wished Hawkeye a Happy Birth-h-day.
Klinger: Huh?
Charles: Birthday is not generally spelled with a pair of h's.
Klinger: Don't pick nits Major. It's that tiny imperfection that make it special.
Charles: Fix the cake.
Klinger: It's easy for you to be a critic, you didn't spend three hours facing a blank piece of cake.
Charles: Fix the cake.
Klinger: I guarantee, nobody's gonna notice.
Mulcahy: Hello. Ah, how's it coming doughboy?
Charles: Tell me, what's wrong with this cake Father Mulca-h-hy?
Mulcahy: Nothing at all.
Klinger: Ah ha.
Mulcahy: Especially if you like h's.
Charles: Ah ha.
Klinger: You gave him a hint.
Charles: Fix the cake.
Klinger: No, I'll serve that hunk first.
Charles: Fix the cake!
Mulcahy: With all due respect, Klinger, get the h out of there.

Goodbye, Cruel World

Sidney: Well Max, last time I saw your face it was under a bonnet.

Sidney: In all his ten years in the service, this is the first time he's ever fought an Asian enemy. He's been looking through a gun sight at people who could be members of his own family.
Hawkeye: No wonder he felt guilty. That'd be like me declaring war on Crabapple Cove.

Sidney: You remember all those dangerous missions? He's been trying to kill himself ever since he got to Korea.

Hawkeye: I think our job might be a little easier than yours, Sidney. At least we can always see where they're bleeding.

Klinger: Ah, I see the Colonel is basking in the glow of my swag lamp.
Potter: Ornamental yet functional. Brilliantly illuminates every word on this page.
Klinger: What words are those, sir?
Potter: Same words, over and over again: Sherman T. Potter, Sherman T. Potter, ad infinito. Any idea who the signatoree is?
Klinger: Why...uh...you are sir.
Potter: Me?! Now why the devil would I scribble my John Hancock 47 times?
Klinger: Ah, you were sleepwalking sir. I didn't want to wake you. I thought it might be dangerous.
Potter: Probably would've been. Thanks for clearing that up for me Corporal. By the way...you put too much swoop on the T.

Dreams

Potter: Have yourself a nice long rest and be back here in twelve minutes.

(Falling asleep, after Garvey has refused to send him any ambulances)
Potter: I'm too old for this. I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.

War Co-Respondent

Back Pay

Potter: Okie dokie?
Charles: Colonel, I...
Potter: Say "okie dokie" Major.
Charles: Okie Dokie.

Charles (addressing three Korean doctors): Now my diminutive voyeurs, this is the patient without whom, medicine would be just theory. This is the patient's chest; or in more scientific parlance, the front of the back. If there is no bellybutton in the immediate vicinity, you've committed a rather serious faux pas.

Potter: Thirty-eight thousand two hundred and fifteen dollars?!
Captain Snyder: And eleven cents. Criminal investigation takes a very dim view of this.
Hawkeye: Well, what do you expect from dimwits?

Rizzo (holding a receipt from Hawkeye for a jeep): Hey, how come you're taking my jeep?
Hawkeye: Because you don't have any chickens!

Snyder: It's not your job to question the government's actions!
Hawkeye: Why not? I find some of their actions highly questionable.

Charles (refusing treatment from the Koreans): Let me be succinct, not on your life!
Potter : Let me be succincter! We're going to be getting in some genuine casualties PDQ. Without you, we might just lose a few of them. Now it's your responsibility to try everything you can to get those vertebrae vertical. What do you say doctor?
Charles: I say...okie dokie.
Potter: Now you're talking my language. Woo...
Charles (seeing the needle that Woo is holding): Egads, it is voodoo.
Potter: How true. Woo, do that voodoo that you do so well.

Hawkeye (to Snyder as he throws stuff around the office): You have a real flair for decorating. Goes with your nostrils.

April Fools

Margaret: Alright, who left the dead minnows in my pockets?
Charles: They were alive when I put them there; you killed them!
(BJ and Hawkeye laugh)
Potter: Et tu, Winchester?
Margaret: Go ahead and laugh guys, there are plenty of minnows in the sea. A Houlihan never forgets!
Potter: Et three, Margaret?

BJ: 'Tis the season to be silly, Colonel. April oneth is at hand.
Potter: Bushwa! My Farmer's Almanac says its still March!
Charles: Ah, but, Colonel, I mean, the festive spirit of April Fools can scarcely be contained within a mere 24 hour period!
Hawkeye: And there are only a few joking days left.
Potter: OK, OK. But just include me out. Understandez vous?
Hawkeye: Colonel, how could you even think it? Your persona is truly hallowed.
Potter: And don't you forget it. Besides which, I've seen them all.
(Potter walks out with a tail clamped to his pants)

(Father Mulcahy comes into the company's clerk's office wearing a dress)
Mulcahy: Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!
Potter: Well, good morning Padre, or should I say, Padress.
Mulcahy: Colonel, there's no humor in this. While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this.... this.... house frock!
Klinger: Better not take it off Father. You'll be a defrocked priest!
Mulcahy: Klinger, how would you like the last rites? And a few lefts?
Potter: Holster thy knuckles, Padre, this too, shall pass.
Mulcahy: It better.
(wolf whistles sound as Mulcahy leaves)
Mulcahy: Oh shut up!

Potter: Pierce?
Hawkeye: Thanks for the room service, Margaret. I always did like breakfast in boot.
Margaret: I have no idea what you're talking about. (to Potter) Don't worry about me, sir.
Hawkeye: I owe you one.
Potter: Wait a minute, Pierce, are you deaf? I'm giving your hijinks the heave-ho, post-haste! I'm the boss here! I can do that!
Hawkeye: I heard you, Colonel.
Potter: And?
Hawkeye: And I'll follow your instructions to the letter.
Potter: Fine, fine, I knew you wouldn't let your revered leader down. But just in case, check your joy buzzers at the door. Dismissed.

Rizzo: The Army is a breeze, once you get the hang of the Luther Rizzo secret of military success.
Klinger: What is it?
Rizzo: Never smile.
Klinger: Huh?
Rizzo: The Army hates to see a man grin. Makes them think they've failed somehow. But moan and groan and carry on, they'll leave you to your lonesome; long as they know you're miserable, they're happy.
Klinger: You're kidding.
Rizzo: If I'm lyin' I'm dyin'. You can do anything you want in the Army, just act like you don't wanna do it. I'm livin' proof. (gesturing towards the motorpool) Hey, play your cards right and someday Klinger, all this can be yours.
Klinger: That's it!
Rizzo: What?
Klinger: Reverse psychology. The Army always does the opposite.
Rizzo: That's it.
Klinger: If a guy wants out, he should act like he wants to stay in.
Rizzo: Yeah! Want out?! Is your hat on too tight? Where else can you be a bum and get paid for it?

Potter (to Hawkeye, Charles, BJ & Margaret): Ohhh, you're a peck of pips, all right! Despite my direct orders, you just had to put "Be Stupid" first on your list of things to do today!!!
Hawkeye: We're very sorry, Colonel.
Margaret: I'm not sorry! You're the jackasses who did this! (they argue)
Potter: Silencio!
(They fall quiet.)
Potter: The senior inspecting officer from the whole far east medical command comes in here at full boil, so you jokers have to turn up the heat! Guarantees we'll all be wearin' his boot prints tomorrow, no matter how spiffy we carry on! Thank you all... very much!!
[looking at Margaret's tent]
Potter: Good grief, Margaret, where in the name of Carrie's corset is your tent?!

(as BJ, Charles, Margaret, and Hawkeye go out to have a "word" with Col. Tucker)
BJ: (to Hawkeye) Ah, no fists. No fists...
Charles: Save your hands, Pierce; use a rock.

Hawkeye: I just thought of something - "There is no one more free than someone with nothing to lose."
BJ: Catchy, but irrelevant.
Charles: Pierce, a truly rational man does not wax philosophic when his address is about to be changed to Leavenworth... (horrified) Oh my God, that's in Kansas.
Hawkeye: Look, we're already getting busted for insubordination. So why don't we go out in a blaze of glory? Let the crime fit the punishment?
BJ: I love it!
Margaret: Let's get that twerp.
Hawkeye: Charles?
Charles: Pierce that is a childish, totally immature and petulant suggestion...When do we nail the swine?

(preparing to play the ultimate joke on Col. Tucker)
BJ: He's coming; with Potter. They just left the Mess Tent.
Hawkeye: Good; he's had dinner, and now he's going to get his just desserts.
Margaret: I still say we should wait until he's sleeping and then glue his feet together.
Charles: I prefer a more colorful action. Perhaps something involving a cattle prod...

[Klinger, still dressed as an Egyptian queen, enters the officers club after the joke had been revealed]
Klinger: Let's go, Colonel. I want to see my mummy.
[Everyone at the bar laughs at Klinger]
Klinger: What's so funny?

Season 9

The Best of Enemies

Margaret (responding to Charles knocking on her door): Why Charles.
Charles: Top of the afternoon Margaret.I just dropped by because I have a little surprise that I thought you might find amusing. It seems that our own Colonel Potter fancies himself quite a bridge player.
Margaret: Oh really?
Charles: Yes. And as you are perhaps aware, I am of championship caliber at the game.
Margaret: I wasn't aware, but I'm certainly not surprised.
Charles: Well, the upshot of all this is that after a few well chosen lunch time jibes, I find myself challenged to a bridge tournament by the old boy.
Margaret: And...?
Charles: And I am offering you the chance of sharing the joy of taking the bumpkin to the cleaners.
Potter (appearing at the door behind Margaret): You're too late Winchester, the bumpkin beat you to her.
Charles: (laughing nervously) Hi Colonel, what a coincidence, we were just t-t-talking about you.
Potter: I heard every word. The old boy ain't deaf you know.
Charles: Good, then you will be able to hear clearly Margaret say that she would prefer to play with me.
Potter: Where I'm from it's first come, first served and I'm here and you're there. Need I e-lab-o-rate?
Margaret: Hold it both of you, as much as a women might enjoy having two distinguished gentlemen fight over her...
Charles: Margaret, I have no intention of fighting for you. The advantages of pairing with me are obvious. A brilliant partner, stimulating play, the only hope of winning, and a dozen pair of silk stockings and fifty dollars cash after we win.
Potter: That's bribery!
Charles: No! That is the American way. Survival of the richest!

Potter (after Margaret tells Charles that Potter order her to play with him): Confucius say: "A bird on the collar beats your fifty dollar."

Letters

Hawkeye (passing out letters): Here's one in crayon, must be for Charles.
Charles: I have no need to write letters to communicate with children. I have you for that, Pierce.
Hawkeye: That is an insult and you'll answer for it at recess.

BJ (reading from a letter): Dear Doctors, you live a great life, I am jealous of you.
Charles: Je- He what?! Jealous.
BJ (still reading): You guys get to camp out every night, eat real Army food, boy you're lucky.
Charles: I... just... Give me that! (takes the letter) Get to camp out, eh? (writing) My dear diminutive corespondent. Your misinformation is exceeded only by your ahhh-trocious grammar.
BJ: Leave it to Charles to be the world's first poison pen pal.

Potter: What are these hairy rats doing here?
Klinger: These are not rats sir, they're chinchillas, my key to a life of decadent riches. Welcome to Klinger's Chinchilla Villa Breeding Farm.
Potter: Breeding farms? Look son, you haven't had any sudden falls lately have you? Perhaps a stray anvil grazed the old noodle.
Klinger: As these chintzes multiply, so does my bankroll. And they're very affectionate sir, if you get my drift.
Potter: You get this drift, if my brogans meet up with just one chinchilla chip, it's the hanging tree for the whole clan.
Charles: What have we here, the worlds smallest zoo?
Potter: He calls them chinchillers.
Klinger: I call them a gold mine. Now if you'll just let me cover the cage, Romeo and Juliet are giving each other that look that only lovers share.
Charles: Romeo and Mercutio is more like it.
Klinger: Mercrusho? Who's she?
Charles: He, my dear fifteen watt friend. Having done extensive work with laboratory rodents I can state categorically that these are two male "chinchillers."
Potter: Looks like you're the critter who got skinned.

Cementing Relationships

Margaret: Believe me, you'll find someone else. You're a big, strong, handsome man.
Ignazio: Si. But what good is it to be a Ferrari if you are out of gas?

Ignazio: When I was, how you say, beside myself, you come and sit down next to me beside myself.

Ignazio: When you have amore, there is no Korea.

Ignazio: You are toying with me like a cat with a dead moose.

Charles: Once again, the Army proves Darwin's theory survival of the twittest.

Klinger: Hello, Quartermaster? How are the kids and Mrs. Master?
Hawkeye: And they say we do all the operating.

Klinger: Trust me, I know cement, and it's not that hard.

Klinger: Hey, how come you got the easy job while we had to bust our buns?
Charles: Very well, Klinger. How so you spell "caution"?
Klinger: C-A-W...
Charles: I rest my case. When I have this sign finished, I'll hang one on this door, then I have to walk all the way around and put one on the other door
Klinger: K-A-W...?
Hawkeye: Now you've got it.

Ignazio: How can you not see that she loves you?!
Margaret: I don't love him!
Charles: Well, there's one way!

Charles: What are you saying and in what language are you saying it?

Charles: My good man, I have better things to do than stand around listening to someone make no sense in two languages.

Father's Day


BJ (disgusted with the mess food): Do you realize there are millions of people in Asia with no food -- and I'm one of them.

Margaret (to her nurses as her father arrives): Wipe those smiles off your face and try not to look so miserable.

BJ (about a shipment of steaks): We can throw a surprise party in the mess tent, that's the last place anybody would expect to find food.

Charles: Educational materials for Pierce? That's like buying gloves for the Venus de Milo.

Charles: Gentlemen, do my ears deceive me or have you purloined some sirloin?

Death Takes a Holiday

Charles: Sergeant, about the jeep...
Rizzo: No problem, no problem, Major. I'm sure you have your DR-3.
Charles: My DR-who?
Rizzo: The authorization form. It means you got permission...
Charles: I know what it means.
Rizzo: In triplicate. Signed by the president of your fan club and our company clerk.
Charles: Look Sergeant, surely we can overlook...
Rizzo: Oh no no no, mmm-mmmmm, Major, nooo. Just because I don't read too good doesn't mean that I don't do things by the book.
Charles: Sergeant, perhaps I can appeal to your more masculine instincts.
Rizzo: Come again?
Charles: I need the jeep for an assignation.
Rizzo: You're gonna kill somebody?
Charles: No. A tryst; a rendezvous...(Rizzo still not understanding) a date.

Charles: (after a Korean foster father confesses to selling Charles' gifts on the black market to buy food for his children) No, it is I who should apologize. It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who has had no meal.

Klinger: (coming into the Swamp with a cart) Ah, Major Winchester, a party of one. Dinner, is served.
Charles: What is this?
Klinger: Well, let's see. For an appetizer we have the last of the macadamias, followed... by a mixed grill of Lebanese salami, sugar-cured ham, pigs feet and hog jowls, we have seconds on those. Sorry, no smoked oysters; I just smoked the last one. And for desert, Frisco fudge and nutty fruitcake.
Charles: All laced with hemlock, I'm sure.
Klinger: Sorry, sir, no hemlock. But I can get you some ketchup.
Charles: And what, pray tell, is the catch of the day?
Klinger: Oh, just one catch, sir.
Charles: Ah-hah...
Klinger: The source of this Christmas dinner must remain anonymous. It's an old family tradition.
Charles: Thank you, Max.
Klinger: Merry Christmas... Charles.

Margaret: It never fails to astonish me. You're alive, you're dead. No drums, no flashing lights, no fanfare. You're just dead.

A War For All Seasons

(New Year's Eve, 1951)
Potter: Here's to the New Year. May she be a damn sight better than the old one...and may we all be home before she's over.

(Hawkeye, BJ, Margaret and Mulcahy arguing over a Sears & Roebuck catalog)
Klinger: Hey, that's enough. Look at you. As chief custodian of this catalog, I am sadly appalled. Two respected physicians, a chief nurse and a man of the cloth, all acting like children. Wowee, baseball gloves!

(Hawkeye and BJ listening to Rag Mop on the radio in front of the Swamp)
Radio: R-A-G-G-M-O-P-P-M, I say M.
Charles (coming out of the swamp, yelling): I can not stand it! The world has gone truly mad! Those people can neither sing nor spell!
Hawkeye: Hey daddy-o, you don't dig our new rad-io, get off our patio...
BJ: Fatty-o

Charles: Oh yes. In the springtime a young dolt's fancy turns to baseball where one can sit and munch red hots and crackerjacks and watch eighteen hillbillies in knickers run around in circles and spit tobacco chaws on one another.

(after Charles expresses interest in backing Klinger financially in baseball wagers)
Hawkeye (laughing): Charles. You want to get part of this? You, the man who asked how many carats there are in a baseball diamond?

Mulcahy (expecting corn on the cob he grew for the Fourth of July picnic): Where's the corn?
Igor: You're looking at it, the mushy stuff.
Mulcahy: You...you creamed it! You ninny!
Everybody: (disgruntled yelling)
Igor: I was just trying to be helpful. Next Fourth of July you can eat it on the cob for all I care.

Charles (worried about baseball standings): I cannot believe that I allowed you to risk my money on a bunch of grown men named Nuke, Duke, and Peewee!

Charles: Freeze weasel.
Klinger: Now now Major, let's not come unglued.
Charles: Listen you hairy homunculous. Thanks to your prognostications I have made extensive financial speculations. If I wind up in debt, you're going to wind up in traction.

(New Year's Eve, 1952)
Potter: Here's to the New Year. May she be a damn sight better than the old one...and may we all be home before she's over.

Your Retention Please

Potter: OK, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker, or a guffaw, from anyone.
Hawkeye: You hear that, Charles?
Potter: The subject of this meeting is... the Army. (pause) So far so good. I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
(Hawkeye, Charles, and BJ begin laughing)
Hawkeye: I'm sorry; if I held that in, my teeth would have exploded.
BJ: Come on, you gotta be kidding.
Charles: Gentlemen, please, it's impolite to laugh at the senile.
Potter: What'd he say?
BJ: Loss of hearing is the first sign.
Margaret: Will you clowns keep quiet? Some of us are interested in what Colonel Potter has to say. Go on, Colonel.
Potter: Why thank you, Major.
Hawkeye: (blowing kisses at Margaret)
Potter: You blow one more kiss, Pierce, and those lips'll never walk again.
Mulcahy: Please, I'd like to hear this too.
BJ & Charles: (blowing kisses at Father Mulcahy)
Mulcahy: Oh, blow it out you bugle. Colonel, please continue.
Potter: Gracias, Padre. Now, I think you'll admit, the Army presents unique opportunities that can't be had anywhere else.
Hawkeye: That's very true. What other job allows you to die for a living?
BJ: Certainly a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Potter: The Army provides a chance to see the world.
Hawkeye: Scenic tours of the great battlefields.
Potter: It provides a home.
Hawkeye: Where even the buffalo wouldn't roam.
Potter: OK, that's it, lesson over, class dismissed. Except you, Pierce, since you insist on behaving like a dunce you can stay after school.

Klinger: Now the army is my best friend... I may get shot in the stomach... but I won't get stabbed in the back.

Klinger: That's why I'm writing Gus..." Dear Scum"... I decided to start out slow and then really let him have it.

Tell it To the Marines

Charles (after being told he's in command while the Colonel's away): Very well, sir, since you insist on thrusting the mantle of leadership on my shoulders, I gratefully accept you challenge; I shan't let you down, sir.
Potter: I know you shan't, lad, 'cause I don't expect nothing of ya.

Hawkeye: And then this harebrained colonel, whose crew cut I could HEAR, had the nerve to hang up on me. Well, that's when I REALLY told him off.

Hawkeye: Klinger, come with me.
Charles: Klinger, you will do no such thing.
Hawkeye: I am trying to help that marine and I need Klinger.
Charles: Oh, very well, you may have him. Have him back in an hour though.
Klinger: My God, I've been traded.
Hawkeye: Thanks for the lovely peasant.

(Hawkeye is awakened by the Marines)
Marine: Are you Captain Pierce?
Hawkeye: Probably. I was when I went to sleep.

Hawkeye (to his Marine MP guard): Eat any good books lately?

Hawkeye: The Bill of Rights says I have the right to write, or am I wrong?

(Charles has requisitioned a set of silk sheets)
BJ: So now it's silk sheets, how fitting for our chief worm.
Charles: Very funny, Hunnicutt, I shall keep you in mind for court fool.
Hawkeye: I am not going to let that fat head get away with this.
BJ: Easy, Hawk, it's only a set of sheets.
Hawkeye: I don't mean that fathead, I'm talking about Mulholland.

(Potter entering Klinger's office with Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries playing in the Colonel's office)
Potter: Why have you turned this place into a Lebanese laundry?
Klinger: Oh, these aren't my pants sir.
Potter: Who's the half nude dude who's got you on more pressing duties than your own job?
Charles (from the other room): Max? Max.
Potter: Ah-ha, I should of known by the Luftwaffe serenade.
Charles: You lout, I want to be dressed this instant.
Potter: You sit this one out, lout, I'll tend to Brunhilde. (Takes the clothes and enter his office)
Charles (conducting): A little slow here. Ah, about time, Max. Now I want you to get busy and fumigate this barn of an office, get rid of that saddle, the whole place smells like Trigger. You'll see what this camp can be like with a man of culture at the helm instead of our old beloved Colonel Cow-pie.
Potter: (clears his throat)
Charles: Oh! Colonel Cow-Potter! Colonel Potter. I just... I knew you were here the whole time.
Potter: How did you know it was me, recognize my clippity clop?

Taking the Fifth

(after a nurse cuts him off in mid-flirtation)
Hawkeye: Don't you know you should never end a proposition with a sentence?
Nurse: Excuse my grammar; go ahead and finish, then I'll turn you down.

Hawkeye: What happened, did my aftershave curdle?
Nurse: I've been there before, Hawkeye. I mean, Gone With the Wind is a great movie, but after you've seen them burn Atlanta 50 times, it's not so hot anymore.
Hawkeye: So much for that old flame.

BJ: Hawk, I never thought I'd use this word in a negative manner, but you're depraved.
Hawkeye: Well what do you expect? I come from the land of the free and the home of depraved.
BJ: No self-respecting nurse is going to have anything to do with that [ad].
Hawkeye: That's what I'm counting on.

(Charles is in the shower)
Klinger: So O Great Girth One, do you still want that valuable wine?
Charles: Do I still have a palate?
Klinger: I don't know and I'm not about to peek. I can get you five bottles, it'll run you forty per.
Charles: Four...My last offer was thirty.
Klinger: Consider it a cost of dying increase
Charles: I smell the distinct odor of profiteering.
Klinger: Try a little more soap.
Charles: But I also smell the delicate bouquet of a '47 Bordeaux. You're taking advantage of me, you know I'm an oenophile.
Klinger: Hey, talk like that in the shower make me nervous. Now do you want it or don't you?
Charles: Unfortunately I am at a disadvantaged position. You have me drinking out of the palm of your hand.

Operation Friendship

Potter: You know, you gotta give Winchester credit.
BJ: Yeah?
Potter: He's bright, educated and an A-1 surgeon. And with all that, he still found room to be a total jerk.

Hawkeye: Charles is fine, but Klinger has damage to over fifty percent of his body; he broke his nose.

Klinger: Well, if you're sure it's not too much trouble, a little tea would be nice.
Charles: Tea? Trouble? If I had to, I would sail to Ceylon.
Klinger: I'd love a drop of honey, but darn, there's probably none here.
Charles: Honey is no object. I shall milk the finest bees in all of Korea. (leaves the office)
Klinger: Well how about that? Every broken nose has a silver lining.

Hawkeye: Would you fill in the fill-in on who's chief surgeon around here?

(discussing Dr. Traeger)
Hawkeye: Do you believe this guy?
BJ: If you're that obnoxious, you better be good.
Hawkeye: And, damn it, he is, but he's still a jackass.
BJ (laughing): I know what I should've done.
Hawkeye: What?
BJ: Could've really showed him.
Hawkeye: What? What?
BJ: Should've died, right there on the table.
Hawkeye: Wouldn't we have had the last laugh?
BJ: Well, you would.
Hawkeye: Well, yeah.

No Sweat

Charles: My father has just rushed this monetary memorabilia because I'm the only person who can decipher it apart from our trusted family accountant.
Mulcahy: Why on earth isn't he doing it?
Charles: Because as of last Tuesday our CPA is a certified public enemy, having been incarcerated on five counts of fraud, two counts of embezzlement and countless counts concerning accounts for which he cannot account.
Mulcahy: How awful.

Hawkeye: His gut looks like a jigsaw puzzle and I think a couple of the pieces are missing.

Klinger: You know the old saying, "You catch more flies with oil than you can with vinegar."
Charles: Indubitably.

Charles: Carbon paper in the safe, what brilliant foresight. In only two million years, it will turn into diamonds.
Klinger: Facetious, but erroneous.

Charles: I know the hour is late, sir, but I... I am in the direst of straits.
Potter (not really awake, having taken sleeping pills): Straight, my full house beats that.

Potter (still not really awake): I hope you got the chopper so you can make copies of it with the carbon paper.

(over the PA system)
Potter (still not really awake): Medicine? Who's sick?
Margaret: Nobody's sick ,sir; I have a little rash.
Potter: Well, I have two grandchildren myself.
Margaret: Sir, please try to understand. This is Margaret. I have a bad case of prickly heat. A severe irritation on my gluteus maximus.
Potter: Oh, I get it, a bad case of keister itch.
Margaret: Well, you could call it that, sir.
Potter: I sure gotta sympathize with you on that one. Ain't nothing more bothersome than a case of the old fanny fungus. With all this heat, that cute little caboose of yours must be red as a beet.
Margaret: Really sir, I'd rather not talk about it.
Potter: I don't know how bad off your wazoo is, but I'll bet it don't come close to the rump rots I had back in the big war.
Margret: Sir, the chopper.
Potter: We were pinned down outside Chantilly and I was stuck for a whole damn night in a wet foxhole. I'll never forget it, no matter how many times you change your skivvies, the fire on the old back porch just keeps burning.
Margaret: Please, could you just call?!
Potter: Must be hell for you trying to sit or sleep, you sure got...
Margaret: Wait a minute! Is this stupid PA on?! Klinger, you idiot!
Klinger: Major, wait, oh no, please don't! It took me three hours to fix that. (loud crash as Margaret smashes the PA system)
(laughter throughout camp as lights come on in various tents)

(eating her breakfast standing up)
Margaret: Where's that dumb helicopter you ordered?
BJ: I wish I knew.
Hawkeye: We'll be ok if it's here within an hour.
BJ: Relax, Margaret, have a seat.
Margaret: Oh, butt out.
Hawkeye: I believe we could say the same for you.
Potter: Happy A.M. all, nothing like a good night's sleep. At ease, Margaret.

Depressing News

Hawkeye: Margaret, how many times do I have to tell you there are no communists under these beds.
BJ: Of course not, they're in the Lenin closet.

Klinger (having started to publish his own newspaper, "M*A*S*H Notes") : How would you like to be the first on your block to subscribe? Because I like you, I'm prepared to offer you a special discount.
Potter: You were planning on charging money to the man who's granting you the ink, the paper, and the printing press, not to mention the use of the hall?
Klinger: Congratulations sir, you just qualified for our special irate rate. You have your choice: free, gratis or on the house.

(after selling an ad in his paper to Father Mulcahy)
Klinger: Because I like you, I'm instituting a "Man of the Cloth" discount. My special pearly rates, two dollars a month or twenty five dollars a year.
Mulcahy: All right, all right, here's another two dollars.
Klinger: Thank you Father, one more dollar and we're even.
Mulcahy: What?! I thought you said two dollars a month!
Klinger: That's for subscription. Now I gotta raise the advertising rates, circulation just doubled.
Mulcahy: Klinger, how would you like to see your circulation cut off?
Klinger: Wonderful (moving to Hawkweye ad BJ's table) See? Another satisfied customer.
Hawkeye: Congratulations, you just committed a very original sin.
Klinger: OK Captains, you've had enough time to peruse the news. Because I like you...
BJ: Hold it, here's your two bucks.
Klinger: Thank you very much.
Hawkeye: Lets get out of here while we still have our pants.
Klinger: Two dollars down, I'll bill you for the balance.
BJ: For the what?!
Hawkeye: What?!
Klinger: Hey guys, we're in Korea. I gotta charge you another dollar for foreign delivery
Hawkeye: For this?! A journalistic tradition since five o'clock?

(at the door to Margaret's tent)
Margaret: What do you want?
Klinger: Terribly sorry, but I'm on a mission of mercy.
Margaret: Mission denied. (begins to close her door)
Klinger: (sticks his foot in the door to prevent it from closing) I'm glad you asked. I'm here on behalf of all the nurses in this camp who'd give their eye teeth to look just like you.
Margaret: Klinger, why are you doing this? Do you like KP?
Klinger: Surely madame knows of my sincere sincerity? To me the words Houlihan and hubba hubba have always been synonymous. You are a vision of great loveliness even dripping as you are.
Margaret: If there's a point to this, get to it.
Klinger: I've unanimously chosen you to be the beauty editor of my paper.
Margaret: Your paper what?
Klinger: Paper news. M*A*S*H Notes. Read it at your leisure and imagine how much better it would be with your very own beauty column: About Faces.
Margaret: That's cute.
Klinger: With your pen and my paper, we'll combine to keep Korea beautiful.
Margaret: Well, I could probably throw together a few well chosen words. (closes her door)
Klinger: Bless you Major. And now for the press de resistance, seeing that you're on the editorial board, I'm authorized to offer you a special subscription rate.
Margaret: Subscription rate? I'm gonna have to pay for this?
Klinger: A mere three dollars a month or fifty dollars a year. Just between us, I can honestly say I'm not offering this price to anyone else.
Margaret: Well, I'll try it for a month
Klinger: Splendid, welcome aboard.

BJ: Why do you always see the olive drab side of things?

Charles: Why, pray tell, should I subscribe to a newspaper published by someone with the intellect of a shoe?
Klinger: Major, it takes a pretty smart man to know he's an idiot which is why I've hired experts in their field.
Charles: Klinger, I have absolutely nothing to do and you are interrupting me.
Klinger: Sir, I am talking bona fide experts. Major Houlihan covering the beauty beat. I myself am doing a piece on how to keep your crap game afloat. And then, there's Igor's gourmet cooking column.
Charles: Whose gourmet column?
Klinger: Igor, Igor Straminsky.
Charles: That beady eyed simpleton is writing a column about gourmet cooking?
Klinger: Nobody knows more about that stuff than Igor.
Charles: Lucrezia Borgia knows more. An unsuspecting reader might get the impression that Igor's recipes could somehow lead to food.
Klinger: I see what you mean. But who could possibly write a gourmet column?
Charles: You myopic moron, I could.
Klinger: Could what sir?
Charles: Could write a column about cooking.
Klinger: You? Major, I'm flattered, but it's too late, Igor would be crushed.
Charles: Crush him! You will earn the eternal gratitude of all people who eat.
Klinger: Well in that case Major, welcome to the masthead. And because you are a member of our editorial board, I am authorized to offer you a special subscription rate: five dollars a month or seventy-five dollars a year.
Charles (laughing): You rapscallion. If you think I am going to pen a column and pay you for the privilege, you're dumber that you look; and that boggles the mind.
Klinger: Does that mean you're not writing the column?
Charles: In spades.
Klinger: Well, maybe that's for the best. Igor's already turned in his first recipe anyway. Boston Clam Chowder.
Charles: Boston Clam Chowder?
Klinger: Oh yeah, it sounds delish. You take a bucket of canned clams, add four boxes of powdered milk...
(Charles groans and gives in)

Klinger: Good morning sir, buy a copy to read on the way to work?
BJ: I'm a subscriber, remember? Except this morning, all I found on my doorstep was doorstep.
Klinger: A thousand pardons o petulant patron. We're still breaking in our circulation department. Here's your replacement copy.
BJ: Thank you.
Klinger: That'll be ten cents please.
BJ: Ten cents? I paid for a whole month.
Klinger: News stand prices.
BJ: How would you like your first insurance fire?
Klinger: Sir, you drive a bargain right through my heart. Get me the city desk. Newsboy robbed by desperado doc.

(BJ enters the Swamp humming)
Charles: Shhh!
BJ (reading over Charles's shoulder): C. Emerson Winchester's Thought for Food
Charles: Just a working title.
BJ: Duck a l'Orange, Beacon Hill style. Why don't you just call it Duck a l'Chuck?
Charles: Do you mind?!
BJ: Just cause you're writing about food doesn't mean you get to bite my head off. I'll just sit over here and do my crossword puzzle. Let's see, a nine-letter word for my uncle Mustafa's middle name.

Hawkeye: Even Michelangelo sent out for pizza

No Laughing Matter

Potter: They knew what they were talking about when the passed the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Forgive and forget is a pretty savvy sentiment too. And might I also remind you that valor is not the only thing that discretion is the better part of.
Charles (looking bored): Colonel, I pray that there is a reason why you are assaulting me with Bartlett's barrage of platitudes.
Potter: I'm trying to put some stiff in that upper lip of yours Winchester. An old friend of yours is coming to call.
Charles: Oh?
Potter: Colonel Horace Baldwin
Charles: Horace Baldwin? When?
Potter: Uh, sometime tonight.
Charles: Isn't that interesting, I haven't seen him since I left Tokyo.
Potter: Well, I must say, you've got a tighter grip on your reins than I expected you would. I was sure you'd Vesuvius all over my office.
Charles: Colonel, what's the point in bearing a grudge?
Potter: Glad to see you using some common sense.
Charles: What possible benefit could I derive from becoming angry over the impending arrival of the cretin that banished me to this flea hatchery?
Potter: You are using common sense, aren't you?
Charles: Just because I was forced to surrender the delights of Tokyo, where I could indulge in kabuki, and octopus.
Potter: Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.
Charles: Have you ever savored the epicurean delight of fresh octopus?
Potter: I don't care for any food that hangs onto the plate when you pick it up.
Charles: The injustice of it all! To banish me to this vermin preserve just to avoid paying me the six hundred dollars he lost to me in a cribbage game! Ergo, when he arrives, I shall perform elective surgery on the first organ that presents itself!
Potter: Major, I've got a hospital to run and I don't want Baldwin in it.
Charles: Oh sir, this may be the only chance I have to savor the sweet fruit of revenge. I swear by all that is holy on Beacon Hill, I shall get even!
Potter: Winchester, ten-hut! I need a volunteer to stay away from Colonel Baldwin and you're it! About face! Forward, skedaddle!
Charles: But Colonel... The last laugh has yet to be laughed, Colonel.

Klinger: Begging your pardon Major.
Charles: Quiet, you meddling little Bedouin.
Klinger: Sorry, sir, but I have had a lot of experience in these matters.
Charles: I do not need the wisdom of your experience, I am not selling watches from the trunk of a car.
Klinger: Let me just ask you one question: How would you like to win an all expense paid trip to Tokyo, for the rest of the war?
Charles: Tokyo, Japan?
Klinger: That's right, the pearl of the Orient. And all you have to do to win this contest is to know the three Ws for getting ahead: What to kiss, whose to kiss and when to kiss it.
Charles: Surely you are not proposing Horace Baldwin's.
Klinger: The man who sent you here is the man who can take you away from all this.
Charles: Ha! I'd sooner bathe in pig swill!
Klinger: Major, look at the big picture. If you're smart, the only physical thing you'll greet Colonel Baldwin with is a handshake. This situation calls for tact, diplomacy, and sucking up.
Charles: Suck up? A Winchester?
Klinger: Remember, to grow a beautiful rose, sometimes you've gotta shovel a lotta manure.
Charles: Why am I listening to this interminable drivel when there is a perfect murder to be planned?

Potter: Major, you were kind, courteous, and every bit the gentlemen. What do you have up your sleeve?

Hawkeye (over the PA system): Attention all personnel, it is now 12:01 which means it is no longer today, it's tomorrow. This is Benjamin Franklin Burrough livening up your dead of night. Thanks to BJ Hunnicutt I had a brief bout with jokus interruptus, but now I'm back to abnormal, so bear with me while I take care of some unfinished business. Hey Igor, keeper of the public ptomaine, before you go to bed don't forget to walk tomorrow's breakfast. And let me tell you something, Margaret: You always talk about the leather but you never do anything about it. You know what I mean? And a big hello to Charles, our chief procurement officer. I guess you found out you can't get to Tokyo on the layaway plan. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And the ever popular Horace Baldwin is hereby awarded the fig leaf cluster for service above and beneath the call of duty. But seriously...

Margaret: Instead of taking the easy way out, you stood up for a principle.
Charles: Yes... yes I did, didn't I? Well, I certainly won't let that happen again.

Oh, How We Danced

Charles (discussing a surprise anniversary party for BJ): What's the point? The dreams of a banquet only make a starving man all the more hungry and miserable.

Charles (dictating his will into his tape recorder): The morning air is crisp and still. In mere moments, I embark on a military mission which may mark my final hours on this planet. Therefore I leave you with these few parting thoughts. To my dear Father, I grant you power of attorney, for the disposition of all my real estate. To my devoted Mother, I bestow upon you my proxy with the single proviso that it never be used to vote for Cousin Alfred. To my gentle sister Honoria, I bequeath my butterfly collection. I know you probably don't want it, but Cousin Alfred does. Farewell Cape Cod, farewell Harvard Yard, farewell baked scrod.
(BJ and Hawkeye enter the tent applauding)
BJ: Bravo, bravo.
Charles: Anthropoid boors.
BJ: What a touching farewell to Cod, Yard, and scrod.

Charles (to Major Finch about his rating): You're absolutely right but what can I do, there's no number lower than zero.

Hawkeye (on the phone with a Boston accent pretending to be Charles): ...and I am sure, my pugnacious Major Finch, that you are cognizant that a military tribunal does not look favorably upon the felonious assault of an officer. (covering the phone) I think I hurt my tongue. (back into the phone) Of course I intend to press charges. Your pugilistic exhibition was both lugubrious and sedatious.
BJ: Sedatious?
Hawkeye (covering the phone): I just made that up, what does he know. (back into the phone) I intend to demand the gallows.
Klinger: Can you do Jimmy Stewart?
Hawkeye: Reconsider?! Ha! Reconsider?! You must be crazed. However, now that you've broached the subject, there is one thing that could secure your freedom. I want an harmonica.
(BJ and Klinger mouth an harmonica quizzically)
Hawkeye: You heard me, an harmonica. If you can't locate one in your unit, look elsewhere. You have twenty-four hours. Kyu. [thank you in a Boston accent]

Charles: Here this is what I risked my life for. (hands Potter a piece of paper.)

B.J.: We didn't know if you were late, Charles, or the late Charles. We thought maybe you'd been shot, and we were trying to figure out which side did it.
Charles: Hunnicut, go hurt yourself.

Bottoms Up

Charles (addressing the mess tent): Ladies and gentlemen, we must all have compassion for the wretched harlequin with his compulsive need to amuse; so I say to you, do not condemn the pathetic clown but rather, pity him.
Everyone (applauding): Yeah!

Klinger (looking for pants for Charles): Let's see, about a 42 extra pompous.

The Red/White Blues

Igor: OK, so what are you drinking?
Potter: I'll have a... lemonade. Make it a double.
Hawkeye: That sounds refreshing, I think I'll have one too.
BJ: Squeeze a glass for me as well.
Charles: I'll have another cognac.
Hawkeye: Wait a second, fella, if you're going to sit at this table, you're not going to have any booze.
Charles: First of all, fella, cognac is hardly booze. Secondly, this is my table! I was sitting here quietly minding my own business when suddenly I was set upon by Captain Carrie Nation and his traveling temperance show.
Potter: Let the man have what he wants.
Igor: So what's it gonna be?
Charles: Lemonade, hold the cookies.
Potter: Winchester, I'm fed up with your mollycoddling.

Klinger: Why is everybody being so nice to me? Oh my God, I gonna die. You gotta save me. You said you liked me.
Hawkeye: You're not getting out of here that easy.

Mulcahy: Ah, Colonel Potter. We were just talking about you.
Potter (looking around): Padre, you're alone.

Margaret: All right, now I need the post-op patient status report for April 11.
Charles: Well I haven't the foggiest idea where that would be.
Margaret: Well, look under P.
Charles: Post-op under P? That is the one place I know it won't be. We must not labor under the delusion that these were filed by another homo sapien; the last ones I found were under G, for "getting better."
Margaret: Just what do you suggest we do?
Charles: Burn the damn place down and take a tax loss.

BJ: We discovered a new medical procedure. Take no pills and call me in the morning.

Bless You, Hawkeye

Hawkeye: Maybe I'm allergic to Charles; stuffiness makes me sneeze.

Charles: Arsenic will solve your problems, Pierce. I know it will solve mine.

Blood Brothers

Mulcahy: I wish you'd given me this two day notice a couple of weeks ago.

Mulcahy: Look at this place, it's a den of iniquity.
Charles: Ah, don't think of it as a den, Father, think of it more as a rec room.

Mulcahy: Stop this at once! You should all be ashamed. Is it asking so much that you control yourselves for two lousy days? Instead you seem to be going out of your way to make things miserable for me. Well, you're all a bunch of... stinkers!

Mulcahy: Good Morning. Well, here we are. It's Sunday again. I'm sure you've all come expecting to hear a sermon. Well, I have to admit, I'm not as prepared as I'd like to be. In fact, I'm not even dressed as I'd like to be. You see, I was working on my sermon, which I'd hoped would be a particularly inspirational one in honor of Cardinal Reardon, but I was called away, and... well, to be honest, I never got back to it. So if you'll just bear with me, I'd like to share with you the reason why. I want to tell you about two men, each facing his own crisis. The first man you know rather well. The second is a patient here. Well, the first man thought he was facing a crisis, but what he was really doing was trying to impress someone. He was looking for recognition, encouragement, a pat on the back. And whenever that recognition seemed threatened, he reacted rather childishly, blamed everyone for his problems but himself because he was thinking only of himself. But the second man was confronted by the greatest crisis mortal man can face, the loss of his life. I think you'll agree that the second man had every right to be selfish. But instead he chose to think not of himself, but of a brother. A brother. And when the first man saw the dignity and the selflessness of the second man, he realized how petty and selfish he...I...I...I had been. It made me see something more clearly than I have ever seen it before. God didn't put us here for that pat on the back. He created us so that he could be here himself, so that he could exist in the lives of those he created in his image.

The Foresight Saga

Klinger: Can we just share the moment of great warmth? I think a murder right now would really spoil the mood.

BJ: Y'know, every once in a while I get the idea that war isn't such a nice thing, but then it passes and I'm my normal depressed self.

Charles: Actually you know, I never thought I'd miss old Radar. I was right of course.

Mulcahy: What time is it in Iowa?
Charles: 1882.

Col. Potter: Radar, you old son of a gun, I'd recognize your voice anywhere! Oh, Mrs. O'Reilly.

The Life You Save

Soldier: Am I all right? I can't feel anything in my legs.
Charles: Try to hang on. We're going to get you to a MASH unit and they'll patch you up just fine.
Soldier: I don't know if I can doc. I feel real weird.
Charles: Just stay with it.
Soldier: Doc?
Charles: Hm?
Soldier: You still there?
Charles: Sure.
Soldier: I can't see you, hold my hand.
Charles: I am holding it.
Soldier: I can't feel it. Oh God, I'm gonna die.
Charles: Can you hear me?
Soldier: Yes.
Charles (crying): What is happening to you? Can you feel anything? See anything? Please, I have to know. What is happening to you?
Soldier: I smell bread.
Charles: I don't understand.
(soldier dies)

Season 10

That's Show Biz

Hawkeye: I wrote the book on the appendix. I even wrote the appendix, but they took that out.

Hawkeye: You can say hell here, this is Korea. If you can't say hell in hell, where in hell can you say it?

Fast Freddie: Welcome to Korea, a country with a Seoul.

Fast Freddy: Don't you mean it hurts when I do this (sticks his arm out)?
Klinger: Then don't do that.

Margaret: How do you manage to keep it [hair] so beautiful?
Brandy Doyle: Oh, simple...I give it the night off. (takes off her wig)

(discussing Ellie Carlyle's accordion playing)
Soldier: Isn't she something?
Charles: Marvelous. If only she had a pair of cymbals between her knees she would be a veritable one woman band.

Charles: No offense Miss Carlyle, but I've always been of the opinion that squeezing is a technique best suited to making orange juice, not music.

Sarah Miller (about the ballet shoes): Father, where did they come from?
(Father Mulcahy points skyward)

Identity Crisis

Hawkeye (about Margaret): She used to be the fashion coordinator to King Tut.

Margaret: A mistake on his dog tags?
BJ: Sort of a blood typo.

Margaret: Call me an old softy, but I think that woman oughta be tarred and feathered.

Mulcahy: My Hebrew is a little rusty, but it gets the point across.

(discussing a picture of Igor's girlfriend)
Hawkeye: Is that a sledgehammer she's holding?
Igor: Sure is. That's how we met, at the slaughterhouse. We worked side-by-side on the stun line.
Hawkeye: How romantic.

Colonel Potter: I don’t care how poor a man is; if he has family, he’s rich.

BJ: What's the word on Rice?
Charles: Mum.

Rumor at the Top

Potter: Didn't I tell you four would be your lucky number?
(General Torgeson says something)
Potter: Oh...well, five is a good number, too.

Klinger: Well, as my Uncle Amos used to say, "Those who can't, manage those who can." One of his employees made that up for him.

Hawkeye: Klinger, calm down. This is all in your head, which doesn't put it in the best of company.

Hawkeye: Either way, they're gonna separate us. You're my best friend, I've never gotten along this well with anybody, you moron.
BJ: Well that goes double for me, stupid!

Charles: Tell me more about Montana, does it have a city?

Mulcahy: I'd have to confess to myself, and I can be very harsh.

Give 'em Hell, Hawkeye

Klinger: Would it be to presumptuous to ask why we're attempting to beautify this sewer?
Potter: Simple... we need a water heater.
Klinger: Of course sir, what a foolish question.

Hawkeye (writing a letter to President Truman): If you end this fiasco right now, I pledge to purchase all your daughter's inimitable records. Don't bother to deliver them. I'd love to pick them up on my way home.

Mulcahy: There you are, Colonel.
Potter: Oh, I already know that, Father, but thanks for telling me anyway.

Mulcahy: I just received this letter from my superior at HQ.
Hawkeye: I didn't know there was a "Father Superior".

Charles: If one chooses to socialize with sordid working women, one tends to get what one deserves.
Potter: You know something, Winchester, you're right. People should get exactly what they deserve.
(Winchester has to examine all the working women)

BJ: It's absurd and tasteless, which means the Army will love it.

Colonel Ditka: This is what America is all about.
Klinger: Bedpans.

(wounded soldiers are being brought into camp)
PA Announcer: Attention all personnel! Quit your dreaming, it's time for the nightmare!

Wheelers and Dealers

Potter: Grandma Mavis has a saying for everything. No wonder Grandpa Wilmer stomped on his hearing aid.

Rizzo: Now you gentlemens are new to the Army, or in other words, dumb. When you leave here, you will know this jeep like it was a kissin' cousin, and you will know the rules of the road so good that when you're dead, you will still qualify for a license.

Potter: You will treat me like one of the boys or I will bust you!
Rizzo: Yes, sir, boy... sir.

BJ: How about a little five card stud, nothing wild.
Hawkeye: Except the dealer.

Potter: What is my grade, Sergeant, or did someone say Corporal?!
Rizzo: Oh... twenty-six sir.
Potter: Twenty-six! Out of a hundred?!
Rizzo: Oh no no no no no. Twenty-six out of thirty. I only graded you on the stuff you was awake for.

Sergeant Verbanic: Yeah, nothing personal, Major, this is a man's game.
Margaret: How would you like the next hand to be in your face?

Klinger: Hi Rosie, I really need a favor.
Rosie: Sure Klinger, anything for a friend -- 5 dollars.

Klinger: What do you do when you come to a school bus that's stopped and has its lights flashing?
Potter: You stop and you tell the kids to watch out for mines at the crosswalk. What is the point of all this anyway? A fat lot of good it's going to do me in a war zone.

Margaret: How dare you! How dare you stand acting like your brand of suffering is worse than anybody else's! Well I guess that's the only way you can justify treating the rest of us like dirt! Well let me tell you something, Sad Sack, if the worst thing that's happened to you is that your pretty little wife has to help pay the bills for a little while, don't come to me for sympathy! Maybe you do have the most to lose but that's only because you've got the most!

Charles (after Klinger falls asleep in his breakfast): I knew sooner or later this food would take a life.

Potter: Now you made me flunk the damn road test.
Rizzo: Flunk?! Perish the thought. Colonel, it was real quick witted the way you missed hittin' that pedestrian without undue wear and tear on the brakes. 'Sides, crates never have the right of way.
Potter: Sergeant, that's the worst bunch of malarkey I've ever heard but it'll have to do.

Communication Breakdown

Hawkeye (discussing wounded POWs): Keep your eye on that one, this morning he almost sat up.

Charles (over the PA): Attention all vermin - that's giving you the benefit of the doubt - I have just discovered the untimely disappearance of my May 5 issue of The Boston Globe which has obviously been pilfered by some member of the pernicious race of lowlife which infests this pig mire. Furthermore, I consider no one in this camp above suspicion with the possible exception of that 80% of you who are incapable of reading the English language. Thus, I retract my previous magnanimous offer and none of you cretins will lay one slimy paw on any of my papers until the missing issue is returned! Thank you.

(to Charles as everyone leaves the mess tent after Charles enters)
Margaret: Help yourself to some breakfast before us lowlifes steal it all.
Mulcahy: Hell hath no fury like pernicious vermin scorned.
BJ: Charles, you just put a whole shoe store in your mouth.
Potter: Winchester, just a hunch; Will Rogers never met you, did he?

Hawkeye (to BJ): When I come to you for advice, why do you always give me logic?

(Charles walks into the Swamp to find all his possessions, except the newspapers he's been greedily hoarding from the rest of the camp, are gone)
Charles: Hunnicutt?!
BJ: Hm? Oh Charles, sombody was here for you but I made darn sure they didn't touch one of your newspapers.
Charles: I'll get. I will get you all for this if I have to steal a B-29.

Potter (to Charles, over PA): Major, close your robe.

Snap Judgment (Part 1)

Hawkeye: You just wait, it will be only minutes until I master 60 second photography.

Klinger: I may be pathetic and inept, but I ain't dumb!

Klinger: I must have sent them the carbon paper.
Hawkeye: What an original mistake.

Klinger: Rosie, I need a favor.
Rosie: Five dollars.
Klinger: I just wanna talk.
Rosie: OK, three dollars.

Charles: In order to have a criminal mentality, one must first have a mentality.

Snappier Judgment (Part 2)

Klinger: My Uncle Harry's the best whiplash man in Toledo. But he's a tied up right now. Could we put this off for ten years to life?

Klinger (about Hawkeye): He can talk anybody into anything, just ask 2/3 of the nursing staff.

Charles: Charles Emerson Winchester, defender of the downtrodden.
Hawkeye: You do all the trodding, that's how they got down.

Charles (to Klinger, about choosing him): It'll be the most rational decision you've made since you renounced women's wear.

Charles: I don't think I can base the case on the stickiness of my clients fingers.
Mulcahy: Sticky fingers? You mean... HOT BIBLES?!

Hawkeye (about Charles): He's the only American who landed in Inchon with traveler's checks.

Charles: In your opinion, would Klinger take your camera?
Hawkeye: No.
Captain Rollins: Objection.
Colonel Drake: Sustained

Charles: I must object strenuously.
Colonel Drake: On what grounds?
Charles: Because... Uh, I'll have it in a minute.
Colonel Drake: Major, we don't have all day. What is your objection?
Charles: Just a minute. Just a minute. Unum piliolae, acidus salicilicus tres in diem, post sabel.
Colonel Drake: Mr. President, forgive my ignorance but that's a term I'm not familiar with.
Charles: Oh, don't know it, hmm?
Colonel Drake: Well I am. Major, I want you to explain to this court exactly what that means.
Charles: Uh... Asprin, three times a day.

Charles: The point is, gentlemen, that my client is totally innocent of all the charges against him. Of that there can be no question. But if you, in your wisedom, do not agree, think of me. My expenditure of time and effort has been staggering. And what of my credibility? Three generations of Winchesters have never lost an argument, much less a trial. If you send this man to the stockade, it will be an injustice, albeit a minor one. But the damage to my reputation will be of epic proportions. With that, I leave you to your collective consciouses to deliberate my fate... and his. The defence rests.

(BJ and Hawkeye barge into the courtroom while the president is announcing the verdict)
Hawkeye: It's ok, Sergeant, we're on our side.
BJ: Sorry to interrupt, Colonel Drake, but we'd be sorrier if we didn't.
Colonel Drake: What is going on here?!
Hawkeye: Only a little ex post facto, habeas corpus, flagrante delicto, delightful and delovely.

'Twas the Day After Christmas

Sergeant Pernelli: Last call for my mouthwatering turkey.
Charles: The bird that gave its life so that others might be ill.

Potter: It's been a real hoot breaking bread with you, too.
Hawkeye: Come back next time, maybe we'll break the butter.

Potter: I'm a little gunshy of any tradition that hasn't been done before.

Mulcahy: Trading places could be fun.
BJ: Trading places?
Mulcahy: And a Christian gesture at that, not unlike Christ washing the feet of the apostles.
Hawkeye: I'll trade places with anyone who isn't sober.
BJ: I'm not washing anybody's feet.

Charles: A Winchester only recognizes one 5:30 per day. This is not it.

Potter: Your clipboard, sir!
Klinger: Hey, I think I'm gonna like this. Thank you, Colonel.
Potter: Call me Corporal, Colonel.
Klinger: Thank you, Potter.

Klinger: And that brings us to Major Charles Emerson Winchester, the Private.
Charles: Yo.
Klinger: As our resident gourmet and lover of good food, you will serve as aide de chow for our head cook, Major Salvatorie Pernelli.
Charles: Ah, it'll be a pleasure.
Klinger; A pleasure?
Charles: For him. This honor graduate of the school of cordon grease.
Pernelli: Let me get this straight, I'll be commanding him?
Klinger: Exactly.
Charles: It will be worth a twenty four hour demotion if only to teach you that soup is not a solid object!

Charles: I have taken the liberty of planning an evening repast, the likes of which have never before crossed your plebeian palate.
Pernelli: Can't wait.
Charles; Every course can be made with ingredients found in these pathetic pantries. The entrée will be chipped beef bourgonge.
Pernelli: How's that?
Charles: To you, chateaubriand on a shingle. Along with potatoes lyonnais and for dessert I am leaning towards a rum baba.
Pernelli: Hmm...
Charles: You know what a rum baba is?
Pernelli: Yeah, it's one of them Desi Arnez songs.
Charles: And you call yourself a chef?!
Pernelli: No, I call myself a cook. Chefs don't have tattoos.

Charles: You expect me to lug these monstrosities clear over to the stove?!
Pernelli: Well, I'm reasonable. If it'll make it any easier, you can move the stove to the eggs.

Hawkeye: Is it sacreligious to beat up a priest with a mop?

Pernelli: Lunch is coming up and you haven't even scraped the grill, scoured the pots or reamed out the grease tracks.
Charles: Don't you have someone to do all that?
Pernelli: Today, I do.

Hawkeye: How are the pancakes?
BJ: Same as usual, if the weather holds we can use them as hockey pucks.
Charles: Actually you know, they're not so bad.

Follies of the Living - Concerns of the Dead

Klinger (delirious): Uncle, beware of someone in a hat.

Klinger (talking to a post): Colonel Potter, I'd like to help in triage, sir. I'm a little shaky, but while I have any strength at all, I'd like to pitch in. (referring to a dog) OK! let's get this patient into pre-op! Hubba-hubba! Orderly!

Klinger: A mouse has four paws...
Mulcahy: Yes.
Klinger: ...but he doesn't wear a belt.

Hawkeye: Will you use your own hook? I've got no place to hang my clothes.
Charles: First of all, this is my hook. Secondly, it is not a hook, it is a nail. Thirdly, your shirt could stand up by itself.
Hawkeye: I've been using that hook since long before you got here bub.
Charles: You may have used it, you may indeed have some unnatural attachment to it, but the fact remains that is my hook. See my name, my hook. And this is a nail.
Hawkeye: Why don't you hang your stuff down here somewhere, ok?
Charles: I do not want my name down there, I want it here.
Hawkeye: What difference does it make?
Charles: Because the boards at that end of the bench are uneven and they pinch my bottom. Does that satisfy your morbid curiosity?
Hawkeye: Ok, ok! That does it! That's fine, fine! I'm giving you a new hook!
Charles: Nail! This is a nail, it's not a hook!
Hawkeye: Go pinch your bottom.
Charles: Rave on MacDuff, rave on.
Dead soldier: Sir, am I dead?
Charles: Hammer away you pathetic fool.
Private Weston: Look, really, I don't feel dead. There's just gotta be a mistake.
Charles: Although I must say, for my taste, the entertainment value of fools is vastly overrat...What have you done to my shirt?
Hawkeye (nailing Charles's shirt to the wall): You're right, it is a nail.
Charles: My shirt! You imbecile! You sub-moronic cretinous idiot! My shirt! No no no! Ow! God!

Klinger (delirious): I'm not here! I'm someplace else! I'm not here! I can't find my fingers! My hands are coming off! I can't find my fingers.

(BJ, Charles, and Hawkeye drinking in the Swamp)
Hawkeye: All right, what else do we love?
BJ: You love dirt?
Hawkeye: Dirt is my life.
BJ: All right. To dirt.
Hawkeye: And to the Army that lets us eat it, drink it, breathe it, and salute it. (they drink) Now what?
BJ: Rats are nice.
Hawkeye: Some of my best friends.
BJ: And not just to their cute little bucktooth grins and pointy little ears. But to their charming little fleas without whom we would not live in the shadow of the plague.
Charles: Ah. The plague. I will drink to that. Are you gentlemen aware of what historically caused the great plagues of Europe? Are you historically aware of that?
Hawkeye: Not historically, no.
Charles: War.
Hawkeye: Oh.
Charles: You see, one city would attack another and they would burn their buildings, and the rats would scurry-
BJ: Cute little guys.
Charles: -spreading the plague bearing fleas throughout the population.
Hawkeye: To war. The fountain of all loveliness.

The Birthday Girls

BJ: Do you know how to make a cow say "ah"?
Hawkeye: Not without getting emotionally involved.

Potter: The only thing that was second nature to this farmer was the vet's phone number. I don't know nothin' about birthin' no bovines.

Hawkeye: What's the difference? In Korea, every day is a holiday.

Margaret: Good afternoon Charles.
Charles: Major.
Margaret: Am I disturbing you?
Charles: Not yet.
Margaret: I was wondering if I could talk to you about—-
Charles: Now you are.

Charles: Margaret, even Winchester women do not do women's work.

Charles: Let's look at this from a Winchester perspective: what's in it for me?

Potter: Sorry to break up this pow-wow boys but Bossie says it's time to call the cab.
Hawkeye: You get her up on the table and I'll hold her hand.
BJ: Does anyone know where I can find a cigar that says, "It's a heifer"?
Potter: You coming Winchester? I bet a city fella like you hasn't had a chance to see this before.
Charles: I've also never had the opportunity to swim in a barrel of live squid.

Charles: Colonel, I do not make stable calls and I do not treat patients who graze.
Potter: Move it Major or I'm going to graze your jaw with the old Missouri soup bone.
Charles: Class adjourned, to the compound.

Blood and Guts

Potter: Yes, I know I didn't sign the morning reports.
Klinger: Sir, it would be easier to remember to sign the reports instead of remembering you didn't sign them.
Potter: I'll remember that.

Potter: I'll bet you'd love a good breakfast.
Clayton Kibbee: I sure would, but I'll settle for what you folks eat.

Clay: Can I call you Chuck?
Charles: You can, gee I wish you wouldn't.

BJ: I predict complete recovery if the carburetor isn't shot. McKegney's gonna be fine, too.

Hawkeye: What's the headline gonna be, "I Was a Klutz Behind Friendly Lines"?

BJ: Do you know where we are?
Hawkeye: I think Korea.
BJ: Great. We out in the middle of nowhere, going somewhere, looking for someone who's who the hell knows where.
Hawkeye: Well look on the bright side, we'll probably get shot too.

A Holy Mess

Hawkeye: Maybe those chickens liked the communist way of life.

Hawkeye: Eggs? In Korea? Impossible, Korean chickens only lay powder.

BJ: You know how I like mine? Fried up, so the yolk is a glowing yellow jewel in a shimmering alabaster white.
Hawkeye: You'd better have your eggs with a cold shower.

Hawkeye: I'm Pierce, he's Hunnicutt. They call me Hawkeye and him BJ.
BJ: We're drinkers by trade, really got our M.D:s so we could operate on each others livers.

Charles: To accompany my poached eggs Pernelli, I want these kippers delicately sautéed.
Sergeant Pernelli: I never learned that. At Army cook school, sautéed was for guys on scholarship.
Everyone: (shouting instructions as to how they want their eggs)
Pernelli: Hold it, hold it. You're making me nervous.
Margaret: Remember, I want these eggs boiled exactly three minutes and fifteen seconds.
Pernelli: I'll throw a stopwatch in the pot.
Klinger: Hey Sal! Sal! Can you make me a cheese omelette?
Pernelli: Sure thing. I'll sauté it for three minutes and fifteen seconds.
Klinger: Oh great. Here's the cheese. (holds up a ball of cheese)
Charles: Oy. What is that odoriferous fungal mass?
Klinger: Lebanese goat cheese.
Charles: It's worse than I thought.
Klinger: I've been ripening it in a damp, dark place.
Charles: Your boots?
Everyone: (all talking at once)
Pernelli: That does it! I'm not standing around here cooking eggs from now to VK Day.
Klinger: Oh come on Sal, if I don't eat this cheese before tomorrow I'll be killing a living thing.
Pernelli: Everybody gets scrambled! No special orders! Period!
Charles: Scrambled?!
Everybody: (shouting)
Pernelli (herding everyone out of the kitchen): Scrambled! Scrambled!
Charles: I'll just take three eggs if that's all right. I'll just take—
Potter (just entering kitchen): Here's the added fixin's for my Western omelette. Mildred clipped this recipe right out of Argosy.
Pernelli: Sure.
Everyone: Sure?! (shouting)
Pernelli: Hold it! What can I say? I've been outranked by bologna.

Mulcahy: Now then I have just a few announcements. The missing middle reel from last week's Samson and Delilah has just arrived with the second and fourth reels of this week's movie Mr. Belvedere Goes To College starring the always fastidious and equally amusing, Clifton Webb. These reels will be shown in as coherent an order as possible. Tomorrow at 2000 hours.
BJ: Thus creating the movie hit Samson and Mr. Belvedere Go To Delilah.
Mulcahy: Also, for future R&R's in Tokyo I've prepared a list of churches offering round-the-clock confessional facilities. Most, I'm told, are bath house close.
Potter (sleeping): Amen.

Charles (sautéing kippers): Margaret, come here. Allow the delicate fragrance of frying kippers to embrace your olfactory organ.
Margaret: You leave my organs out of this. And do something about that awful stench!
Charles: The tragedy of a palate that's had only an elementary education.
Margaret: How am I supposed to soft boil eggs if the water won't boil?
Charles: I'm a surgeon, not a Hindu philosopher.
Pernelli (entering kitchen): What gives?!
Margaret: Major Winchester tells me you won't prepare our eggs to order, so we're stepping in.
Pernelli: What you're steppin' in is my kitchen. Step out!
Charles: Listen you Crown Prince of Ptomainia. I outrank you by five promotions and at least 80 IQ points.
Pernelli: Smart people don't scare me. Now, will you kindly take your IQ...(sniffs) What stinks?
Charles; A question you should never ask when in the vicinity of yourself.
Pernelli (seeing Charles's kippers on fire): Hey, that's burnin'!
Margaret: Ooh! No! Oh, no! No, no. Don't!
Pernelli: (dumps Margaret's boiling water on Charles's burning kippers)
Charles: Imbecile! How dare you pour water on imported Norwegian kippers!
Pernelli: It won't hurt 'em. They're fish, ain't they?

Hawkeye (about the smell of eggs): As far as we know, that is an unauthorized smell.

Hawkeye: Pernelli, what are you cooking?
Pernelli: Venison.
Hawkeye: We're not ready for the eggs yet.
Pernelli: Not ready? What do you want, hors d'œuvres? I don't make dips.
Hawkeye: Who told you to cook the eggs now?
Pernelli: Correct me if I'm wrong. Brunch comes between breakfast and lunch. Hence the name.
BJ: Hey, hurry up will you? These people either want eggs or answers.
Pernelli: Do I serve them or do I not?
Hawkeye: Not yet. Don't go anywhere. Just sit on those eggs for a while.
Pernalli: What am I, a chicken?

Charles: I must say, that does sound rather appealing. Eggs al fresco.
Margaret: A picnic sounds sexy when you say it in French.
Charles: That's Italian.
Margaret: That's even better.

Pernelli: Excusing your pardons Captains. You two want a picnic?
BJ: Yeah.
Pernelli: Fine. You serve it.
BJ: What?
Pernelli: I don't deliver.

Nick Gillis: Move away, Father. I'm getting out of here.
Mulcahy: How dare you? You seek refuge in this house of the Lord when it serves your purpose, then when it's no longer convenient, you desecrate it by pointing a deadly weapon at another human being. Private, a faith of convenience is a hollow faith.
Nick: I'm warning you, Father. I'm going.
Mulcahy: Give me the gun.
Nick: No! Stay away from me! Stay away!
Mulcahy: I want you to hand me that rifle.
(Mulcahy grabs the gun)
Nick (sobbing): I'm sorry, Father.

Mulcahy: You know, this omelette isn't bad. Though with all the bologna, onion and cheese, it's difficult to taste the eggs.
Hawkeye: It's better that way Father. They're powdered.

The Tooth Shall Set You Free

(Charles moans of a toothache)
Hawkeye: Beej, don't forget, in the morning it's your turn to milk Charles.

Margaret: You're afraid [of going to the dentist] aren't you?
Charles: Pure piffle. Woman, a Winchester can stare adversity square in the mouth, even when it involves techniques which have remained unimproved since the Spanish Inquisition. But rest assured, I am not afraid.

Charles (to Korean, about toothache): What does this cure?
Korean: Hunger. That's my dinner.

Potter: Winchester, you got two choices: Him [Captain Rockingham], or the doorknob.

Pressure Points

PA Announcement: Attention! The Chinese have begun a new offensive. Command anticipate heavy casualties within the next twenty-four hours. This is a recording.

Potter: Every month there's a new procedure we have to learn because somebody's come up with an even better way to mutilate the human body! Tell me this, Captain: how the hell am I supposed to keep up with it?!
Captain: I'm only--
Potter: If they can invent better ways to kill each other, why can't they invent a way to end this stupid war?!

Hawkeye: The gravy was better than usual tonight...you could cut it with a fork.

BJ: You sliced onions with my Swiss Army Knife?
Charles: Naw, a Swiss Army officer did it.

Sidney: Major.
Charles: Hiya.
Sidney: First time I've seen you in your summer uniform.
Charles: This is the real me.
Sidney: Sorry to hear that.

Potter: Bump into anybody else yet?
Sidney: Just Larry, Moe and Curly over in the Swamp.

Sidney: (waking up to the sounds of BJ and Hawkeye yelling at Charles) I don't believe it; this is where we said goodnight!

Klinger: Excuse me sir, I have bad news that I have absolutely nothing to do with...the surgeons are tearing apart the Swamp from limb to limb.

Where There's A Will, There's A War

Hawkeye: Where's the stupid sulfa?
Margaret: It's in the living room.
Hawkeye: What?
Margaret; The sulfa's in the living room between the end tables.
Hawkeye:Margaret, you made a joke.
Margaret: I told you I was tired.
Hawkeye (laughing): The sulfa's in the living room. I can't believe you said that. The sulfa's in the— Ok, here, here, we got plenty.
Margaret: Sulfa so good.
(both begin to laugh hysterically)
Margaret: Morphine.
Hawkeye: No thanks, I've got plenty.
(more laughter)
Margaret: I'm sorry.
Hawkeye: Oh no, I love it, I love it. Someone's been playing with your silly hormones.
Margaret: Oh, come on, we've got to get this done.
Hawkeye: All right, all right. Ok, ok. Dig-Digitalis?
Margaret: No, I'm keeping it a secret.
(more laughter)
Hawkeye: Nitrous.
Margaret: Good nitrous, sweet prince.

Potter (during a long OR session): I was transferred here seven days ago; seems like I've been operating for eight.

(BJ shouts for joy)
Potter: Watch the racket, Hunnicutt. This hospital is in a hospital zone.
BJ: Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at battalion aid.
Potter: How do you know that?
BJ: He left his fingerprints are all over this guy.
Klinger: What are you talking about?
BJ: Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?

Hawkeye: To Erin Hunnicutt, I leave you a list of all the young men your daddy took care of while he was in Korea. Many of them have him to thank for being alive today. I want you to understand why he had to be away during those first years of your life. I hope I have the chance to give you this list in person, but around here you never know.

Promotion Commotion

Charles: Ah, even in the sewer the cream rises to the top.

Hawkeye: Charles, who put the gung in your ho?

Charles: I have seen sergeants in this man's army that aren't fit to be house pets.

Rizzo: I was just trying to hep.
Hawkeye: I don't need your hep.

Hitalski: My name is Hitalski, Elmo Hitalski. Uh, I'm eligible for a promotion and I want to know what kind of chance I've got.
Charles: Hitalski, Hitalski. Yes, I do remember your name.
Hitalski: Good.
Charles: No, bad. Correct me if I'm wrong, You've been arrested several times. You've been involved in brawls, destruction of property.
Hitalski: That was all personality conflicts.
Charles: With a jeep?

BJ: Private Straminsky, what is the proper military course of action in the event that you are captured by the enemy?
Igor: I know that one! Just give them your name, rank and phone number.

Rizzo: And I'm a loyal, patriotic American, with a loyal patriotic American wife, Zola, and a loyal, patriotic American bouncin' baby boy, Billy Bubba. Not to mention that I'm a junior high school graduate, and I—
Charles: Patriotism is not the issue. Will you please answer the question.
Rizzo: Oh yes sir. I'll get right to it, sir. Just one question, sir.
Charles: What is the question?
Rizzo: Well the question is, sir, what was the question, sir?
Charles: The question was, and is, What is the name of the United States military academy?
Rizzo: Oh...well...Did I mention that I have a bouncin' baby boy?
BJ: Ah, why don't we give him a hint?
Hawkeye: Good idea. Uh, Rizzo, it's located in West Point.
Rizzo: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well...The United States military academy, located in West Point, uh...Fort Wayne!
Charles: Thank you Corporal, that'll be all.
Rizzo: Seattle!

Klinger: Yes, sir! The proper disposition of daily data as per army regulation D-252 Section R, Paragraph six is to fill it out, file one copy, forward the others and faint if they actually get there. Well, how did I do?
(stunned, Hawkeye, BJ and Charles applaud)

BJ: You're the one who wanted to turn a guy down because he had a Z in his name.

Hawkeye: We never checked who got promoted and who didn't.
Rizzo: [Throwing a greasy rag at Hawkeye] Hey, captain! Lube this!
Igor: [Throwing mashed potatoes at BJ] Oh, sorry, captain, I must have missed the tray. But what do you expect from a dumb private?

Heroes

Major Hatch: Could I borrow your clerk?
Potter: Why not. After all, the boy did sleep last night.

Reporter: EEG?
Hawkeye: Yeah, electroencephalogram.
Reporter: How do you spell that?
Hawkeye: I personally spell it EEG.

Klinger (seeing that the press has taken over his office): Speaking of drawers and sheets, I was hoping to strip down to one and slip between the other.

Potter: Great logs of Limburger. Is this a desk or a deli counter?
Klinger: Both, sir. Look at all the great things I got thanks to General Wilberforce. I just rubbed his memo and they all appeared.
Potter: Don't you think you went overboard a little?
Klinger: Well, maybe I overreacted a little, but I knew the memo would expire right after the Champ did.
Potter: You just made one little mistake son, this food'll be spoiled before you can eat it all.
Soldier (bringing in a refrigerator): Excuse me, are you folks expecting a delivery from General Wilberforce?

Sons and Bowlers

Potter (to Margaret): You cost us the game. It's that skylark attitude of your's that got you thrown out at home plate.
Hawkeye: Colonel, we lost 24-4.
Potter: She killed a rally.
BJ: Murderer.

Hawkeye: Charles, one of the things I've always liked about our relationship is we never let sympathy get in the way.

Potter: Hunnicutt, you bowl like a grade-school kid. I thought you told me you placed third in your league.
BJ: It was a grade-school league.
Potter: I wanted Pitts so bad.
Klinger: Colonel, I gotta talk to you.
Potter (to BJ): You practice, (to Father Mulcahy) you pray.

Charles: Where I have a father, you have a dad.

Sergeant Ubancic: Oh, my God!
BJ: I think he's just visited the land of sky-blue waters.
Charles: Sounds like it.
Ubancic: Uh...uh, my inside...I'm turning blue inside.
BJ: Blue?
Charles: Kotchner's Syndrome?
BJ: Kotchner's Syndrome.
Ubancic: What's that?
BJ: Oh, it's a rare degenerative neurological disorder that usually attacks men about your age in the bathroom.
Ubancic: Is it serious?
Charles: Well, it's imperative that you avoid undue bending for at least a week.
BJ: Oh, yes.
Ubancic: Bending?
BJ: Of course, to avoid your kidneys—
Charles: Pressure
BJ: being pressured from your ribs.
Charles: Down.
Ubancic: I can't bowl.
BJ: Oh! Would that affect your bowling?
Charles: Gee, I didn't think about that.
Ubancic: I have to tell Pitts.
BJ: Oh, no, no.
Charles: Really, I wouldn't recommend that if I were you. This isn't the kind of malady that is talked about openly among nice people...like Marines.
BJ: Say it's something a little less embarrassing, like VD.
Charles: Yeah, that'd work.
Ubancic: You're right.

Picture This

Igor: Your friends over there (points to BJ and Charles) wanted me to tell you there's an empty seat over there (pointing to the other end of the mess tent).
Hawkeye: That's fine. I'm in better company alone.

Hawkeye: I don't know. Moving out of the swamp seems a little drastic. I was thinking more along the lines of a murder-suicide thing.

Mulcahy: I'm sure the Last Supper wasn't this difficult to paint. But then, the apostles were more civilized.

Margaret: Speaking of potty training, my first cousin—
Charles: We are not speaking of potty training. We shall never speak of potty training so long as I am standing here.
Potter: Say Major, you seem a little touchy on the subject of potty training. Could it be that you were a member of the rubber sheet brigade?
Charles: Don't be absurd Colonel Potty...Potter.

BJ (about Charles): I'll bet he has the largest record collection in all of Korea. Maybe all of Asia. Probably the world. You know, you'd think a guy with that many records wouldn't have a chance to play them all, but he does. It can be done if you have your phonograph on for every minute of every day. And night! But I like it!

Potter: I just wonder if I'm getting what this painting is really all about: the camaraderie, the affection we have for each other. Oh, I'm getting the bodies all right, but I wonder if I'm getting the souls. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.
Klinger: Uh, I have to go sir. (he leaves)
Potter: Of course son. You know, you people have been closer than kinfolk to me, you make it almost bearable being over here.
Margaret: Excuse me sir please. (she leaves)
Potter: Surely. In a way, this painting is a way of sharing my Korean family with my family back home.
Mulcahy: Of course. Of course. (he leaves leaving Potter at a table by himself)
Potter: It ain't easy telling people how close you are to 'em when they aren't here.

That Darn Kid

Potter: Morning boys. How're you doing Pierce?
Hawkeye: Just fine Colonel.
Potter: I get the feeling that you haven't read the bulletin board the last few days.
Hawkeye: I'm waiting for the movie to come out. How do you know?
Potter: 'Cause you haven't come screaming to me.
Hawkeye: Why would I come screaming to you?
Potter: Because there's a notice there that it's your turn to be paymaster.
Hawkeye (screaming): I don't want to be paymaster!
Potter: That's more like it.

Hawkeye: That does it, when this war is over I'm going home.

Hawkeye: Next. Name?
Rizzo: Captain Pierce.
Hawkeye: Not my name, your name Rizzo.
Rizzo: If you know my name, what'd you ask me for?

Potter: I'm a little rusty on procedures for when the payroll has been eaten by a goat.

Charles: Rizzo, it would appear that you have been paid.
Rizzo: And it would appear that you wasn't. Now, let's see, where was I? Forty-five, fifty.
Charles: Rizzo, I was wondering if you would consider making me a—
Rizzo: A loan, gee, I never thought of it.
Charles: All I need is—
Rizzo: Fifty, here you go. Of course, I will have to charge you simple interest.
Charles: Yes, of course. Fine. What can that be? Four per cent, five?
Rizzo: Well, a little more simple than that. A hundred per cent.
Charles: One hundred per cent?
Rizzo Per day. That way I don't have to do no 'rithmetic.

Charles (as a man falls as he opens the door to the Swamp): You clumsy oaf! Will you watch where you are falling!

Rizzo: Captain Pierce.
Hawkeye: Hallelujah, I'm saved. Let's go tell the investigator right now.
Rizzo: Tell him what sir?
Hawkeye: That you saw the goat eat the money.
Rizzo: Well, uh, no, sir. I ain't seen a goat since, uh, since me and Zola took little Billy Bubba to the U-Pet-Em in Bossier City.
Hawkeye: Then what are you doing here?!
Rizzo: Fighting for democracy.
Hawkeye: No, in this room.
Rizzo: Oh. Oh, you mean here here.
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Rizzo: Oh, well. Uh, seeing as you're about five hundred months behind in your monthly payments, I thought I might hep you consolidate all your debts into one very friendly loan. Uh, as a starter, I am willing to offer you hunerd dollars with simple interest.
Hawkeye: What good's $100 going to do me?
Rizzo: Oh, well. I thought a savvy man like yourself might just wave that hunerd dollars under the nose of that investigator and let him catch a good whiff of it.
Hawkeye: Rizzo, I don't need to bribe anybody. I'm innocent!
Rizzo: Ok, ok. Just remember, prisons are full of honest men!

Rizzo: Hello, Major. I believe you have something there that is of interest to me.
Charles: Rizzo, I owe you $50 don't I? Now we're even.
Rizzo: Beggin' your pardon sir, but being on the dole has made you forgetful. This is just the interest. You still owe me the original fifty. And unless you got it today, I'll see you tomorrow for another $50 interest. Now, ain't that interestin'?
Charles: But I don't know when I'm going to be paid. This can run into hundreds of dollars.
Rizzo: Awwww. You have my deepest sympathy Major. And you'll have it again tomorrow 'bout this same time.
Charles: Ah, Father. Couldn't help noticing, you've got $50 there.
Mulcahy: Oh, how observant of you.
Charles: Right. Since you are a compassionate man of God, one of your prime duties is to give comfort to the needy.
Mulcahy: Major, are you putting the bite on me?
Charles: Please, Father, if I don't pay this Bayou bloodsucker his $50 today, he's going to bleed me dry.
Mulcahy: I'd love to help you out, Major, but what little money I have, and it's really not enough, is earmarked for the orphanage.
Charles: They'll never miss it. They're used to being poor. But it's a real hardship for me.
Mulcahy: May God help you, Major, because I won't.
Rizzo: Excuse me, Father. Bein' a sentimental soul, I was touched by the orphans' predicament, and I'd like to hep.
Mulcahy: Rizzo, why, that's very generous of you.
Rizzo: I can let you have a hunerd dollars at my special, God-fearin' rate of seventy-five per cent.

Charles: Would you like some Cognac?
Rizzo: Naw, I ain't hungry.

Rizzo: Just how stupid do you think I am?
Charles: An adjective fails me.

Season 11

Hey, Look Me Over

Potter: Now calm down, Margaret. If we messed up a bit, then it's only fair that we help you tidy it up again. Now me and the other doctors will be there tomorrow morning at 8:30 sharp.
Margaret: 7:00.
Potter: 7:00 is better.

Hawkeye: I'll make you a deal: I fix the autoclave. I go.
Margaret: Fine.
Hawkeye: Ok. Fine. Fine. Very simple. The hinge is bent, that's all. Takes three seconds.
Margaret: Uh-huh.
Hawkeye: One (hits it), two (hits it again), three...(hits it and the door falls off).

Hawkeye: What the hell are you talking about?
Kellye: I'm talking about how when the slow music comes on you suddenly need a drink like your afraid you're gonna have to put your arms around me and then when I try to talk to you, your eyes are on every nurse in the room but me.
Hawkeye: Look, is that what this is about? That I was a little distracted last night?
Kellye: It's not just last night. It's been like that ever since I got here, and you weren't distracted. You've been avoiding me like I was Typhoid Mary.
Hawkeye: Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, it's just I... I never saw you, you know, in that way.
Kellye: You never saw me, period. And why? Just because I'm not five foot nine and slinky, with long blond hair and a perky little nose that would fit in a bottlecap.
Hawkeye: It's not that I don't think you're a terrific person...
Kellye: You haven't the faintest idea how terrific I am. For your information, I happen to have a fantastic sense of humor, a bubbly personality, and I am warm and sensitive like you wouldn't believe. I also sing and play the guitar, and I'm learning to tap dance. And on top of all that, I happen to be cute as hell!

Margaret: I don't ask them [the nurses] to work any harder than I do!
BJ: So? Colonel Bucholtz asked you to work any harder than she does and look how it makes you feel.

Margaret: Well I did everything I could and I'd do the same thing all over again. There is no reason to put myself and everybody else through hell to satisfy some crazy notion that good is never good enough.

Trick or Treatment

BJ: Klinger. Do you realize how many zoots had to be killed to make that one suit?
Klinger: You like it? My Uncle Habeeb gave it to me. He had some business setbacks. He won't be needing it for one to five years.
Hawkeye: They should let him out and lock up the tailor.
Klinger: Would you guys knock it off? The Piranhas [Marines] have landed at Rosie's, and already we've got their first casualty!
Hawkeye: Uh, sorry, I don't remove tattoos.
Klinger: How about billiard balls?
BJ: What?!
Klinger: A Marine got one stuck in his mouth.
BJ: Now, that must have been some shot.
Hawkeye: Can he breathe?
Klinger: Oh yeah, he's fine; you need a bazooka to kill these guys. He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.
BJ: Well, he was half right.

Charles (to a Marine with a billiard ball stuck in his mouth): Hello, I'm Doctor Winchester. And your name is?
Marine: (grunts)
Charles: Would that be with one M or two?
Marine: (more grunting)
Charles: Of course. Three. Now then, what seems to be the problem?
Marine: (more grunting)
Charles: Now, my dear lad, don't be shy. The doctor is your friend.
Marine: (more grunting)
Charles: Oh. You seem to be a bit... congested.
Marine: (more grunting)
Charles: Feel a little frog in your throat?
Marine: (grunting indicating negative)
Charles: Could you — Could you cough for the doctor, please?
Marine (shaking head): (more negative grunting)
Charles: My dear man. How can I discover what's wrong with you if you will not cooperate?
Marine (pointing to mouth): (more grunting)
Charles: Oh, I see. You want me to take your temperature. I can do that. (finally looking at the Marine's mouth) Gadzooks! Do you realize you have something in your mouth?
Marine: (affirmative grunting)
Charles: What on earth could that be?
Marine (miming a pool shot): (grunting)
Charles: Oh, lookee — a little 6 painted on it. Could that be...how old you are?
Marine: (more grunting)
Charles: Oh! Now I see. You may not realize this, but you have a pool ball lodged in your mouth.
Marine (touching nose): (excited grunting)
Charles: No sweat. There is an alternative. I'll just take your temperature the other way. (knocks the Marine over on to his side)
Marine: (alarmed grunting)
Charles: Well, don't get mad at me, chum. If you didn't have that silly pool ball in there, I could stick the thermometer in your mouth.
Marine: (more grunting)
Charles: Wait a minute. I got a crazy idea. This just — this just might work. What if I were to remove the ball?
Marine: (thankful grunting)
Charles: Now, how would I do that? Let's see. What to do? I know. I shall pull all your teeth.
Marine (backing away): (frightened grunting)
Charles: Come on sport. Are you a Marine or a mouse?
Marine: (more grunting)
Charles: I could use a muscle relaxant. That ought to do the trick.
Marine: (more grunting)
Charles: But it is the whimp's way out.
Marine: (embarrassed grunting)
Charles: Be forewarned Private Mosconi. The next time we meet, I plan to perform major surgery, whether you need it or not.
Marine: (muffled sigh)

Potter (dressed as a cowboy): Howdy pardners. Going our way?
BJ (dressed as a clown with horn in his belt like Harpo): Well if it isn't Buffalo Bob and Madame Woo! (toots horn)
Potter: Now I know why cowboys are bowlegged. Chaps chafe.
Hawkeye (himself dressed as Superman to Margaret about her Halloween dress — a tight fitting stereotyped oriental number): My, my! That's quite a dress you don't have on. What a waste of my X-ray vision.
Margaret: Now shut your flap.
BJ: You gotta admit, Margaret, that slit is as high as an elephant's thigh. [toots horn]
Margaret: When will you two ever get out of puberty?
Hawkeye (staring at Margaret's hind quarters): He's in puberty. I'm in love.
Margaret (to Hawkeye): Germ.

Hawkeye: Halloween in Korea--bobbing for shrapnel.

Charles: Oh, come now, Colonel. Hobgoblins are the hobgoblins of little minds.

Drunk Marine 1: Boy, don't EVER race a Jeep backward, Doc.
BJ: I'll try to remember that.
Marine: Oh, it was goin' great. I was ahead — or was it behind? Anyway, this dumb chicken gets in the way, so I swerved to miss it, and I did. Unfortunately, I ran over the whole chicken coop.
BJ: Uh-huh. Gee, I'm sorry to hear that.
Marine: That's ok. I won anyway. Just got a few shell fragments.
BJ: Come on Wrong Way. You're as funny as you are smart.
Marine: Thanks. Geez, I've got feathers everywhere.

Hawkeye: The way I see it, the Army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off.

Hawkeye: Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I've never lost anything. Have you seen my stethoscope?

Hawkeye: We've gotta get some food into this guy.
BJ: It'd be the first time the mess tent ever saved a life.

Charles: Good heavens. More halloweenies.
Drunk Marine 2 (holds up bandaged hand): Guess I had a little accident.
Charles: Of course. You were dropped on your head when you were a child. What happened recently?
Marine: I sure made a mess out of my hand, sir.
Charles: I hope you got the license number of the jaw that jumped in front of this.
Marine: It wasn't a jaw. It was a fan.
Charles: A fan? Oh, a rabid admirer.
Marine: Uh-uh. Electric fan. I bet this guy at Rosie's that I could stick my hand in and pull it out before it got all sliced up.
Charles: Congratulations. You've just answered the question "What is the lowest form of Marine life?" Well, you're lucky. There doesn't seem to be any tendon damage. I want you to go through that door — right there, see — and I want you to tell the nurse you have a boo-boo and she'll fix it up for you. Just for the hell of it, have your head x-rayed. See if anything shows up.
Marine: You're one in a million, doc.
Charles: That means so much coming from you.

Charles: Gentlemen, I want to thank you for ta— Gentlemen. Hi. I want to thank you for taking up the time we would normally have frittered away on casualties of a far less ludicrous nature than yours. You will undoubtedly be returning to the pool halls of Montezuma. And you, to receive advanced training in "hand-to-fan" combat.
Fan Marine: Gee, Major, we were just lettin' off a little steam.
Charles: Well, perhaps sometime in the future you might try to act like more mature adults. (BJ enters and hangs his leg in Charles's hand like Harpo Marx and toots horn)
Pool Marine: From now on, I promise I'll try to act just like him.
BJ: (waves and toots horn)
Charles: Well, he is from California.

BJ: It's the first time I've heard of where being dead wasn't terminal.
Potter: Welcome to the club, Padre; you saved a life.
Mulcahy: Well, no... Well, I guess I was in communication with the One who did.
Margaret: Weird. I've never seen anything like it.
Hawkeye: This is definitely one ghost story nobody's gonna top.

Foreign Affairs

Major Reddish: It's been getting harder and harder to sell this war to the folks back home.
Hawkeye: Well, that's what happens when you spend everything on weapons and nothing on advertising.
Major Reddish: Right.

Potter: He doesn't understand loud English anymore than he understands quiet English!

Martine: This Hawkeye, he is a doctor?
Margaret: Yes, a lot of people around here find him irresistible, including himself.
Martine: He acts very much a little boy doesn't he?
Margaret: Oh, believe me. He's not acting.

Hawkeye: Sincerity? I can fake that.

BJ: Oh, Charles, leaving so soon? And so alone?

Major Reddish: I refuse to lie.
BJ: And you call yourself a PR man.
Major Reddish: I'm a soldier first. I won't lie without orders.

The Joker is Wild

Hawkeye (after BJ nails his boot to the floor): That's not a joke. It's carpentry.

Hawkeye: Trapper was a man ahead of his time. Right, Margaret?
Margaret: He was a ridiculous, juvenile child.
Hawkeye: See?

Mulcahy: Igor, yours is a thankless task. So I hope you won't mind if I don't thank you.

Igor: The beans? I wouldn't give them to my neighbor's dog. In fact, they're so old, they're has-beans.

Hawkeye: You are the lowest.
Mulcahy (choking): Water!
BJ: Me? What did I do?
Hawkeye: Look at him. You poisoned a priest.

BJ: You see, the best joke of all was the one that never came.

Col. Potter: Great Mother Macree, I think I'm gonna die!

Charles: Hunnicutt, if there is a God, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits and in desprate need of a wealthy, influential friend. When that time comes, I pray you will turn to me so I can laugh in your face.

Who Knew?

BJ: One sure test of good oatmeal is that you can't fill your fountain pen with it.
Mulcahy: What the oatmeal lacks in solidity, the coffee more than makes up for.
Hawkeye: When you haven't had much sleep, there's nothing like a good cup of coffee that you can really sink your teeth into.

Charles: Now, can we get on with this? I have some meaningless trivial business that is far more important.
Klinger: Ok. I didn't want to take any chances so I hid our little product in a clever place. This is it. (holds up a hula hoop)
Charles: My word, you have invented the circle!

Charles: Klinger, before you were born the word stupidity was without a definition. Do you actually expect people to pay you for something they could make themselves out of any unsuspecting length of garden hose? I came, I saw, I drank (finishes a shot of cognac), I go to bed.

Charles: What, may I ask, is that? (looking at a Shmoo)
Potter: You like it?
Charles: To form an opinion either way would be to imply that I cared.
Potter: You don't know what this is? Don't you read the comics?
Charles: No. They're just a blur on the way to the financial page.
Potter: Well, this is the latest denizen of Dogpatch.
Charles: What, I ask reluctantly, is a dog patch?
Potter: Major, for a man with a Harvard education you sure don't have much knowledge of what's important. Dogpatch is where the Yokums live.
Charles: Oh. Well that explains that.
Potter: The best damn cartoon strip in the whole world is Li'l Abner.
Charles: That is roughly comparable to being the finest ballerina in all of Galveston.
Potter: This friendly little creature is a Shmoo.
Charles: A — a who?
Potter: A Shmoo. The biggest thing to hit the States since Studebaker put the front end on the back.
Charles: What does a Shmoo do?
Potter: Well, not much of anything.
Charles: Well then what makes this imbecilic toy the rage?
Potter: Who knows. I guess with the world going crazy, folks leaving the cities for those prefab suburbs, cars without clutches, green toothpaste, everything's getting so technical, people need to have something dumb and simple like this. Besides, after a hard day at the Army, I like to give him a punch. (punches the Shmoo in the face) Go ahead. You know you wanna do it.
Charles: On, no—
Potter: Go ahead. It'll be our little secret. Give him a punch.
Charles: You mean hit him?
Potter: Yeah.
Charles: Bam. (hits the Shmoo in the face and chuckles) This symbolizes the way of life we're over here fighting to preserve.
Potter: Got a better one?
Charles: It is... simple.
Potter: They're selling like hotcakes. Mildred's been all over Missouri lookin' for one of these for my grandson. When I spotted this chubby little fellow at the PX in Kimpo, I grabbed him. Boy, I wish I had a nickel for every one of these sold.
Charles: Hmm, I guess I tend to underestimate the stupidity of the American consumer.
Potter: I happen to like it. That'll be all, Major.

Hawkeye: We thought she was kind of distant, unfriendly. In fact, she looked upon us with a kind of awe, that we had done our jobs for so long and so well. She could have told us that, but she wasn't able to. Because it wasn't as some of us thought, that she was... uncaring, but it was because as Millie wrote so often, she was shy — she was just too shy to express her deepest feelings. She could write them to herself but she couldn't say it to us. I... I wish she had, because... if she had I... I might have felt for her before, what I feel for her now. I really care for Millie. And I've learned something from her. See, I'm a lot like Millie. I'm not shy. I — I — I cover up my feelings with jokes and I don't tell the people I — I care about the most... the most important thing I can tell them, that I — that I do care. It's too late for Millie to change. That's — that's sad, but — but maybe — maybe we can take a page from her diary... and I'd like to start right now, and let a little of what I feel show through the cracks — through the wisecracks. To all the people here... who I've sweated with and endured with... you're very important to me. And I hope I do a better job of letting you know it. And to those closest to me, who — who mean so much to me... Colonel Potter... Father Mulcahy... Klinger, Margaret, Charles... and Beej. I love every one of you. And good-bye, Millie.

[Klinger is dictating a telegram over the phone.]
Klinger: "Have check in hand."
Charles: [Takes phone] Change that to "Have check in trash."

Bombshells

Margaret: It's not a rumor. For your information, it's something I heard.

Klinger: Hey, guys. Did you know that Ted Williams is going home? I heard the Red Sox paid fifty thousand bucks to get him out of the Marines.
Charles: Boy, that's not what I heard. I heard it was seventy-five thousand and they sold Babe Ruth to the Navy.

Klinger (on the phone with Sparky): Look, I know it's a secret, but we're on the same side of the secret — You can't confirm she's coming? — Ok, I'll play your little game. Can you deny it? — Can you confirm that you can't deny it? — Do you deny that you confirm that you can't deny it? — Well then, that confirms it. Thank you very much Sparky.

Charles: In short, as Aristotle said: "Tough noogies."

BJ: We sit around here in our Hawaiian shirts and red suspenders, thumbing our nose at the Army, drinking home brewed gin and flouting authority at every turn, and feeling, oh, so superior to those military fools who kill each other and oh so self-righteous when we clean up after them. Well, good luck to you pal. I hope you can...keep it up. The minute I cut that rope, they made me a soldier.

Settling Debts

(in Father Mulcahy's tent planning a mortgage burning party for Colonel Potter)
Margaret: I think a party with a theme would be really cute.
Charles: Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage, let him ignite it and go on about our business?
BJ: There's an exciting theme: apathy. What time shouldn't we be here?
Klinger: Aw, come on, Major. Didn't your folks do something special when they got their first house?
Charles: Yes. Yes they did. The fired the entire staff.
Margaret: How 'bout this? The Potters bought their home in the '30s. Suppose we all dress up like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers?
Charles: Oh, why not dress up like stockbrokers and all jump out of the window?
Mulcahy: I've got it! Let's give the party in the Colonel's tent and the theme will be home away from home.
BJ: That's not bad. For decorations we could make a white picket fence.
Charles: Of course it won't be complete without a pink flamingo on the lawn.
Hawkeye: Congratulations. BJ and Charles are the fix-up committee.
Charles: Oh, can't we just hire a decorator?
Margaret: We're going to have to keep Colonel Potter out of his tent until they're through. I'll handle that.
Klinger: No offense, Major. But that's gonna require sneakiness and dishonesty so I'll be your technical adviser.
Hawkeye: Fine, you two are the distraction committee.
BJ: Wait a minute. If we're going to be decorating the Colonel's tent and they're going to be keeping him away from it, we're gonna need a go-between.
Mulcahy: I'm good at that. It's sort of what I do for a living.
Hawkeye: Ok, we've all got our assignments. We'll reconvene here at 1800 hours. Remember, the fate of the free world rests in your hands.
Charles: Oh, who cares?
Hawkeye: We will now leave one by one according to order of departure.
Margaret (whispering): He doesn't take anything seriously.

Hawkeye: All right. Look, just for the sake of your sanity, I'll tell you this much. Mildred wants to surprise you.
Potter: Surprise me?
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Potter: It ain't my birthday. That was last month. It ain't our anniversary. That's Groundhog Day. I picked it so I'd never forget it.
BJ: Relax, you're gonna love it.
Potter: That's the same thing she said when she put the leopard skin seat covers on the Hudson. Never felt safe getting in that car without a whip and a chair.
Hawkeye: Yeah, well, maybe she missed out on that one, but this is bigger and better.
Potter: Bigger? Better? Answer me this: does it have anything to do with where I'm gonna be living out my retirement years?
Hawkeye: Yes.
BJ: No.
Potter: You boys wanna confer for a bit? Work out one lie between you?
BJ: No. Actually, we can stand by either lie.
Potter; Well, it doesn't make any difference. I know what it is. She's gone ahead and bought the damn houseboat!
Hawkeye: The what?!
Potter: I told her, I don't wanna move to Florida! Six months in that sun and I'll be a walking liver spot!
BJ: Colonel, it's not—
Potter: And above all, I don't wanna live on the water! Nobody over the age of 60 should go to scuba school!
Hawkeye: Colonel, believe me, it is not a houseboat!
Potter: We'll just see about that! (storms out of the Swamp)
BJ: Well, at least we don't have to buy him a present. We've already given him apoplexy.

The Moon is Not Blue

Margaret: Those incompetents. Those fools. Those dunderheads.
Hawkeye: Which dunderheads are you talking about?
Margaret: I-Corps.
Hawkeye: Oh, the head dunderheads.

Charles (entering the Swamp): Gentlemen.
BJ; Quiet, Charles, I'm looking for the liquor ads.
Hawkeye: I thought you went to see Sahara tonight.
Charles: Indeed I did. But, alas, I had to leave when the film broke which was about two seconds after I ripped it from the projector. And I would have been here sooner but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience. My, my. What has become of your wino's erector set?
Hawkeye: Potter took it. Rothaker has declared prohibition.
BJ: Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this. (reading from newspaper) Blue movie banned in Boston.
Hawkeye: What?
BJ: "The Moon Is Blue starring David Niven, William Holden, and Maggie McNamara has been banned from local theaters due to it's suggestive nature. "
Hawkeye: Philistines. They said the same thing about Babette Meets the Fleet.
Charles: Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos, bear in mind, Boston would have banned Pinocchio.
Hawkeye (reading from newspaper): "The Otto Preminger film failed to receive a production code seal of approval when he refused to delete sexually explicit scenes and dialogue."

Hawkeye (referring to some sugar pills that he's trying to pass of as "confidence enhancers"): Yeah, I took two yesterday and today I'm so terrific I can hardly stand myself.

(in the mess tent playing BINGO)
Charles: What do you think you're doing?
Igor: I'm marking my card, I have N 38.
Charles: That may very well be your number but that is my bean.
Igor: Well, pardon me, sir, but I don't see your name on it.
Charles: No. No. Nevertheless, it came from my side of the pile.
Igor: Major, all the beans are the same.
Charles: No. No. Let me show you the difference. These are your beans. (shoves half of the pile toward Igor) These are my beans. (moves the rest of the beans to the end of the table)
Igor: OK. OK. Excuse me for living.
Charles: There is no excuse for your living.
(a new player takes all of Charles's beans)
Charles: Those are my beans!
Potter: Looks to me, Major, like somewhere out there is a butterfly net with your name on it.
Charles: Well, what do you expect? It's 150 degrees in here. I haven't had anything refreshing to eat or drink for over a week. Besides which, those are my beans.
Potter: You're perfectly right. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. Effective immediately, those are Major Winchester's beans.
Charles: Thank you. Told ya. Poor slob's crazed from the heat.

Klinger: Let me make a few calls through the underground clerks' network. I'm sure whoever this guy is, he's got a back that can be scratched.

Hawkeye: I've never seen a cleaner movie in my life!
BJ: There was more filth and dirt in this morning's breakfast.
Mulcahy: One of the actors did say "virgin."
Hawkeye: That's because everyone was!

Run for the Money

Klinger: Captains, I've been adding up some numbers.
BJ: Well, you'd better sit down, your fingers must be exhausted.

Klinger: Who knew the kid had a father?

Charles: Klinger, you don't have to suck up to me. I did not bet and I don't like you anyway.

Cpt. Sweeney: Hi boys, how are you feeling? And how about you, Palmer? You nice and comfy?
Pvt. Palmer: Y-y-y-y-yes, sir.
Sweeney: Oh that's good. I certainly wouldn't want it bothering you that you almost cost three men their lives.
Palmer: B-b-b-b-but I-I had no way of knowing that b-b-bedrock w-w-was unstable.
Sweeney: Hell, I should've known better than to give any kind of responsibility to a dummy.
Palmer: I'm s-s-s-sorry.
Sweeney: Well fat 'lotta good that d-d-d-does.
Charles: Excuse me, Captain Sweeney, may I talk to you for just a moment please?
Sweeney: Sure, Major, what is it?
Charles: Right this way.
Sweeney: OK.
(They walk into the next room )
Charles: Captain Sweeney, if you say one more unkind word to Private Palmer, I will personally write up a report detailing your inhumanity and I will have it placed in your 201 file where it will follow you for the rest of your career.
Sweeney: But, Major, that—
Charles: Is that clear?!

(after Margaret bets another week's pay for herself, Hawkeye and BJ)
Hawkeye: I can't believe what we're doing. Or how many times we're doing it.
Margaret: What's the matter?
Hawkeye: What's the matter?!
BJ: What's the matter?! If Mulcahy loses, we're out two weeks' pay!
Hawkeye: Each!
Margaret: You men. You always worry about little things.

U.N., the Night and the Music

(after ignoring the British and Indian doctors)
Margaret: Oh, Sweden! Oh, I've always wanted to visit Sweden. I hear the scenery is so... tall.

Klinger (finding the Colonel standing on his head): But if you got a headache, shouldn't you stay off your head for a few days?

(Hawkeye sits down at a table with Margaret and Johansen in the Officer's Club uninvited)
Hawkeye: Oh, thank God I ran into you. I need some help. Stalin just died and they don't know who's gonna replace him.
Margaret: Pierce, please.
Hawkeye: So I'm applying for the position. To me, it's the best way to make peace. The way I figure it, if I'm premier of Russia, NATO will return my phone calls.
Margaret: Pierce, do you mind?
Hawkeye: So I just wanna try out my campaign slogans on you. I mean, just— What do you think of this? Uh, "If you can't stand the cold, get out of Siberia."
Per Johannsen: (laughs)
Hawkeye: Now what do you think of this one? Uh, "What this country needs is a good five-cent czar."
Johannsen: (laughs)

Charles: Is there any visitor more welcome on a cold evening than a snifter full of fine cognac?
Dr. Randolph Kent: I wholeheartedly agree with you. However, this bottle will have to do.
Charles: Have to do? Have to do what? Surely you taste the Folle Blanche in this wonderful nectar?
Kent: The implication there is— (sniffs the cognac) Folle Blanche in this conveys to me that your imagination far outstrips your palate.
Charles: Begging your pardon, but this has the unmistakeable nose of Folle Blanche. It comes from the fabled vineyards of the Château de Fontpinot. As a matter of fact, it was after enjoying my first bottle of a 1927 Fontpinot, that I no longer consider myself a virgin oenophile.
Hawkeye: Good God.
Kent (laughing): '27 Fontpinot? Second-rate mouthwash. Fontpinot's greatest year: '28.
Charles: Yes. Well, uh— I had heard that that was quite extraordinary. Thank you for refreshing my memory.
Hawkeye: I don't believe it. I'm in Korea, but I'm fighting the "bore" war.

(Hawkeye enters Colonel Potter's tent to find Klinger and the Colonel standing on their heads chanting Om Mani Padme Hum)
Hawkeye: Colonel?
Potter: Yes, Pierce?
Hawkeye: Well, I had come in here in the hope of finding someone with whom I could have a nice intelligent conversation, but I see your in no position to do that.
Potter: Pierce, you seem a trifle edgy.
Hawkeye: I've gone over the "edgy." There's an international conspiracy to drive me crazy. Back in the Swamp, the upper crusts are toasting each other. Meanwhile, the head nurse is trying to yump on someone's yiminy. And I come in here only to find that my complaints are falling on deaf feet.
Klinger: Forgive me Captain, but only through accepting others for what they are will you find true inner tranquility.
Hawkeye: You have to respect a man who looks you square in the toes when he talks to you.
Rammurti Lal: The great guru Ramdas could not have said it better, Max. Uh, your neck? Has it improved?
Klinger: A lot. Never had an energy flow like this.
Hawkeye: Why fight it? I might as well go crazy and be inconspicuous.

Charles (drunk): So there I was in Elewijt, standing the the very house where Rubens painted his most wonderful masterpiece, The Rape of the Daughter of Leucippus.
Kent (also drunk): Surely you jest. Hardly one of Rubens's best works. Oh, granted, it appeals to bourgeois taste, but— Besides, the mater painted that when he lived in Antwerp.
Charles: Well, it was merely an error in geography. My brain is not a map.
Kent: Barely a brain.
Charles: Oh yeah? Well, says you... you s— you boorish Sussex fop!
Kent: Ignorant Back Bay Philistine!
Charles: Snob!
Kent: Clod!
Charles: Dandy!
Kent: Cretin!
Charles: I don't care who your parents are. You can take your father's villa and stuff it.
Kent: (laughs)
Charles: What's so funny?
Kent: It isn't my father's villa. It's my father's employer's villa.
Charles: What?!
Kent: Father is the butler. When I was old enough, I became the chauffeur. It helped put me through medical school.
Charles: But you told me—
Kent: I told you the truth. I summered in San Remo, and wintered in Sussex. You assumed the rest.
Charles: Well, you encouraged the assumption.
Kent: Well, why not? It was such fun to submit you to derision and watch you crawl back for more.
Charles: I did not.
Kent: You most certainly did. You assumed that only people of wealth and breeding have any taste or class. Well, mate, you have been outclassed by the son of a bloody butler.
Hawkeye: (standing on his head, begins to laugh and then falls over)
Charles: Aw, shut up!

Strange Bedfellows

Margaret (laughing): I was just thinking: Charles Emerson Winchester III snores.
Charles: No, Charles does not snore. Since I have never snored in my entire life, why would I start all of the sudden? If, of course, I had. Which, of course, I haven't.

Klinger: Geez, you guys look awful. You really ought to get some sleep.
Hawkeye: We were up all night listening to a kazoo concert.
Klinger: Boy, how come I always hear about special stuff after it's too late?

Margaret: A lot of people snore.
Charles: A lot of people dribble soup on their chins and vote for Democrats!

Charles: See, Father, there is the slightest possibility that I am not a true Winchester.
Mulcahy: You mean you may be adopted?
Charles: Oh, my goodness. No, no. Much worse than that. Uh, I'm afraid there is the possibility—slim though it be—that I...snore.
Mulcahy: Snore. Oh. Good heavens, Major. What...courage it took to admit that.
Charles: Well, Father, I'm afraid you don't understand. See, all my life I've harbored a secret dread that I may not be worthy of my name, that I may not good enough to be a Winchester. What if all this malarkey is true, that I do...snore like a common factory worker. What if that's just the tip of the iceberg? What if there are even more vulgar traits lurking just underneath the surface? Today...snoring. Tomorrow, sitting in front of a TV with a cold brew watching roller derby. What if—perish the thought—I am actually the same as everybody else? I couldn't live with that.
Mulcahy: Well, Major, I certainly am glad that you've confided in me. This shows me a dimension of you that I had never fully appreciated.
Charles: Well, thank you, Father.
Mulcahy: Speaking as one whose ancestors were factory workers and who like roller derby and a good brew, do I understand you to say that if you can't be better that me, then there's no point in living?
Charles: Well, don't take it personally, Father.
Mulcahy: Why should I take it personally? By the way, did I ever tell you about the time I was thrown out of the seminary dorm for snoring?
Charles: Uh...
Mulcahy: The truth of the matter is you're not superior to any of us whether you snore or not.
Charles: Shh!
Mulcahy: And at times like this, I'm not even sure you're equal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have more important things to worry about than your snoring!
Charles: I didn't say I snored, only that I was accused of it.
Mulcahy: Major, your attitude gives me the willies!
Charles: Well, this is certainly the last time I ever come to you with a serious problem.
Mulcahy: I'm still waiting for the first time!

Say No More

Mulcahy: Good morning, Major. If you don't mind me saying so, hubba hubba.
Margaret (voice hoarse due to laryngitis): Charles. (bangs table when he ignores her)
Charles: Well, Margaret. Can't you just say good morning as civilized people do?
Margaret: (grunting and miming)
Charles: It is not my idea of breakfast fun to play charades.
Margaret; (more grunting)
Mulcahy: Uh, Doctor, I believe you are being paged.
Margaret: (more grunting and miming)
Charles: My I at least finish my Wheaties? (Margaret drags him out of the mess tent) Margaret, what is wrong?

Charles: Well, it would appear last night's unfortunate meeting between your wet head and the chill air has resulted in a rather nasty case of laryngitis.
Margaret (hoarse):No. The lecture.
Charles: Lecture? Oh, that silly talk in Seoul by this quack you've been drooling over.
Margaret: Must go there.
Charles: So, go. Last I knew, the only thing you needed for a lecture were ears. Yours look fine to me.
Margaret: No, no. I—
Charles: You?
Margaret: Meeting Dr. Chesler after, personally.
Charles: Really? I thought this was merely a medical sabbatical.
Margaret (hits Charles): Is. I've admired the doctor for years. Heard he was coming here. I wrote him.
Charles: Fan mail to a physician. (laughs) That's cute.
Margaret: Never expected a reply. He wrote saying how impressed he is with my ideas of triage. He wants to meet me. Me.
Charles: Well, well, well. It would appear that your current affliction wouldn't make any difference. Your starry-eyed admiration fort he good doctor would have left you speechless anyway.
Margaret: Winchester, voice gone, fists fine. I need voice, two days.
Charles: You have a fair chance. Margaret, you know what to do as well as I do. Every peep you utter is going to inflame your vocal chords.
Margaret: How am I supposed to work if I can't talk?
Charles: Shut mouth. Use pencil.

Charles (talking on the phone to Dr. Chesler for Margaret): Dr. Chesler, this is indeed a...phone call. I am Dr. Charles Emerson Winchester. Perhaps you are familiar with my work? — Oh. Well, I'm in the Boston yellow pages. I'm speaking on behalf of Major Houlihan who's here with me, but who is unfortunately suffering from a rather severe case of laryngitis. However, she wanted me, uh, to tell you...(reading from a notepad) uh, "how much she's looking 'food-ward'—sorry, forward to your lecture." (still reading) Uh, she's "always felt that you are the", uh, "greatest surgeon in the 'wood.'" "World," sorry. "In the world." Don't thank me. Believe me, those are her words. — Oh, yes? — Yes, I'll tell her. Just, just, just a moment. Dr. Chesler has had to change his plans suddenly. He must return to the States immediately, and he's been forced to cancel his lecture.
Margaret (hoarse): Oh!
Charles: However, if you can be in Seoul by 11:00 tomorrow morning, he'll be honored to have a meeting with you at the hospital.
Margaret: Oh!
Charles: She said that'd be fine. Right, she'll see you then. Uh-huh. Oh, thank you.

Margaret (hoarse): Please send telegram. (writing on note pad)
Charles: Well why not. I'm often mistaken for a little Western Union boy. (reading note) "Dr. Chesler, must cancel. Very sorry. Perhaps another time." Another time? The man's leaving for the States tomorrow.
Margaret: Not fair to patients or staff. Can't work like this. Another three days — I can't go.
Charles: I must say I admire your dedication. I'll send this off immediately if that's what you really want. Yes? (leaving post-op bellowing) Telegram for Dr. Chesler. Oh, telegram for Dr. Chesler.

Friends and Enemies

Charles: Hunnicutt, please. I'm listening to music.
BJ: So is all of Korea.

Klinger: Mail call!
BJ: Please come in!
Klinger: For you, Major. Careful, it says "fragile" on it.
Charles: Ah, my records!
BJ: What records?
Charles: More Mahler.
Klinger: Ooh! I love Fats Mahler.
Charles: No, no. This is his brother, Gustav. This is his masterpiece "Kindertotenlieder."
Klinger: Nah, that's not one of Fats's tunes unless that title is German for "Your Feets Too Big."
Charles: No. It's German for "Songs on the Death of Children."
BJ: Charles, you're not gonna play that now, are you?
Charles: Of course not. This one's not over yet. (he increases the volume)

Margaret: I got some 3-0 silk for you Dr. Winchester. I noticed you were running low.
Charles: I shall always cherish this moment.
Margaret: Well, Charles, what are friends for?
Charles: Friends? If pressed, I would say that you and I coexist. Now can we skip ahead to the inevitable small favor that you are going to ask?
Margaret: Well, now that you mention it, I got this new record player and I don't have anything to play on it.
Charles: I do. And you still don't.

Margaret (after she hits BJ's ingrown toe nail): Are you in terrible pain?
BJ: No, no, Margaret. I'm just brushing up on an old Mill Valley rain dance.

BJ: It's not my feet I'm worried about, it's my ears. I going to be stuck here for two days with Winchester and his dead children's glee club.

Charles: If I don't find a way to hear some music soon, I'm gonna lose what is left of my mind.
BJ: Why don't you ask Margaret to let you play your records on her new record player?
Charles: I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat.
BJ: Maybe you could go over to the O-Club and play 'em on the jukebox. Nobody there this early.
Charles: That is tantamount to asking Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of Woolworth's.
BJ: Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. I'm stuck here in the Swamp, you're stuck without your music. This is a perfect opportunity for us to get to know each other. So tell me Chuck, where'd you go to high school?
Charles: Mahler on a jukebox. Hmm. Koussevitzky will impale himself on his baton.

BJ: Psst, psst, psst, psst. Margaret!
Margaret: Is Major Scrooge there?
BJ: No, no he's not. As a matter of fact, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Margaret: I don't even want to talk about that slimy, selfish insensitive gutter worm! What is it?
BJ: I just thought I should warn you that Wormy's planning to ask if he can borrow your new record player.
Margaret: What?!
BJ: I thought you'd want to know.
Margaret: I don't—I don't believe the nerve of that guy. After the way he talked to me in OR, I wouldn't loan him a cup of air.
BJ: I don't blame you. You should have heard what he said about you after OR.
Margaret: Oh? And exactly what was that?
BJ: When he found out his record player was broken, he said, "No problem." He'd just con you out of yours.
Margaret: Oh...
BJ: I believe his exact words were, "All it'll take is a few shiny beads and some shallow flattery."
Margaret: He said that? He brings me one shiny bead and I'll flatter him, with a steamroller. Thanks for the warning.
BJ: Hey, what are friends for?

BJ: Charles, it's simple. Just go over there and knock on the door. Say, "Margaret, you look ravishing tonight. I brought some records for us to listen to. I know you're going to love them."
Charles: Hunnicutt, no matter how desperate, a Winchester does not grovel.
BJ: Don't think of it as groveling. Think of it as manipulating.
Charles: That, we do. But don't you think she's going to be suspicious? I mean, after all, I was a trifle...abrupt with her earlier.
BJ: Well, don't go over there empty-handed. Bring along some...insurance.
Charles: Hunnicutt, what a good idea! How'd you do that? Last time I was in Tokyo, I picked up some tacky little gifts for our cook back home. Here we are. See? See? See? (shows BJ a fan and some cheap perfume)
BJ: Oh, those are great. Margaret'll love them.
Charles: Really? You think so? I mean, granted, the woman is no Rhodes Scholar but you really think she'll fall for—(sprays the perfume and sniffs)—that?
BJ (covers his food): Oh, sure. I mean, she's a real sucker for, you know, shiny beads and shallow flattery.

Margaret: Do you really think I'm stupid enough to fall for this garbage? Sickening perfume and a cheesy fan?
Charles: I didn't think the fan was all that bad.
Margaret: Take your goodwill gestures and ship them back to Goodwill!
Charles: But Marg—
Margaret: How dare you think you can con me with shiny beads and shallow flattery. (throws him out of her tent)
Charles: (reenters tent): "Shiny beads and shallow flattery?"

Give and Take

Rizzo: I just made me a small fortune playing poker. Made a three card draw to a straight flush.
BJ: Well, it couldn't've happened to a nicer guy.
Rizzo: That's true.

Rizzo: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I wrote to Zola what to do with all that loot, too. I said, "Zola, Billy Bubba is too old to be walking around without shoes, and you are too young to be walking around without teeth. And if there's anything left over, pay the rent."

BJ: Remember the time Charles was sleeping and you painted the fluorescent eight ball on his head?
Hawkeye: Yeah. He gave off such a soft glow.
BJ: And remember how he said he'd shave your head bald if he could prove that you did it? So you made me promise not to tell?
Hawkeye: Sure, why?
BJ: I'm gonna tell.
Hawkeye: You swore on your grandmother's grave!
BJ: She's still alive. But you won't be unless you take over as charity officer for me.
Hawkeye: Oh, I see. Beej, come on. Blackmail? What ever made you think I'd submit to that? It's so low and unprincipled. And if you tell Charles I painted his head, I'll tell the Colonel about the time you were dying to go fishing and there was no jeep available.
BJ: Oh, come on.
Hawkeye: He still thinks Sophie just wandered off for the day.
BJ: So you're gonna hit below the belt, huh?
Hawkeye: Mm-hmm.
BJ: You know that nurse from the 8063rd that you're supposed to be meeting in Seoul next weekend?
Hawkeye: Yeah?
BJ: How do you think the weekend will go after she's seen a photo of your wife and child?
Hawkeye: What?
BJ: Peg and Erin Pierce. (gets a photo out of his wallet) "My darling we miss you and can't wait for you to come home. Love, Peg and Erin." Beautiful woman, beautiful child. You have a wonderful family.
Hawkeye: You wouldn't.
BJ: (laughs)

Mulcahy: I do believe people are essentially good, but sometimes you have to put them in a half-nelson to get them to cough up.

Soldier: My boots. All he wanted was my lousy boots. His feet were freezing. I'd have done the same thing. He was just a guy like me, and I shot him and I killed him, for a pair of boots.
Potter: You know, sometimes I think there should be a rule of war saying you have to see someone up close up close and get to know him before it's OK to shoot him.
Soldier: How can I wear these again? How can I ever put on a pair of shoes without thinking of that guy?

Charles: Trying to raise money around here is like trying to raise the Titanic with tweezers.

As Time Goes By

Charles: (reading from a Stars and Stripes) "Time capsule to be buried in cornerstone of new Los Angeles skyscraper." Laughable.
Margaret: What makes that so laughable? I'll bet a hundred years from now people will find that interesting.
Charles: Margaret, why on earth would anyone find Los Angeles of interest in the future? Certainly no one finds it of any interest now. What the hell are the gonna bury? Suntan lotion? A carhop?
Margaret: You know, we could make one of those here.
BJ: It's hard to find a carhop in Korea.
Margaret: No, really. We could put something in the ground that would remind people that we were here.
Hawkeye: I thought that's what land mines were for.
Margaret: Oh, why can't you ever be serious? We could leave something that says who we were and why we were here... like a duty roster or a medal.
BJ: Why don't we just leave a copy of Dante's Inferno?
Margaret: Oh, who needs any of you? I can do it all by myself.
Hawkeye: Ok, fine. I'll help.
Margaret: You?!
BJ: Our delegate to the united insubordinations?
Hawkeye: Well everybody else is making holes in this country. We might as well fill them with something constructive.
Charles: How about dirt?
Margaret: Oh, poo on you turkeys.
Hawkeye: Don't put words in my beak. I wanna help, no kidding. Really.

Hawkeye (about the Army Field Manual): How to defend freedom and democracy through unquestioned obedience.

Margaret: You low-life, disgusting, son of a sewer pump.
Hawkeye: Has anyone ever told you have the voice of a songbird drowning in hot tar?

Charles: Oh, by the way, you realize you didn't include anything in the time capsule from the infamous Major Burns.
Hawkeye: I was thinking about putting in his scalpel, but I didn't want to include any deadly weapons.

BJ: (holding a fishing lure) I've fished with this a couple of times. Hawk told me it belonged to Colonel Blake. It's for all the men who never made it home.

Goodbye, Farewell and Amen

Potter: Listen, when you love somebody, you're always in trouble. There's only two things you can do about it: either stop loving 'em, or love 'em a whole lot more.

(All three men are fighting back tears)
Potter: Well, boys, it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh right when I needed it most. Never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. 'Course I had to pretend I was mad at ya, but inside I was laughing to beat all hell.
Hawkeye: Yeah. I'm laughing just thinking about it.
BJ: I'd love a good laugh like this.

Hawkeye: I can't say that I've loved all of you either...(devilishly)...but I've loved as many of you as I could.

Sidney: Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

Potter: Major, I think there's a definite medal in capturing five Chinese in your bathrobe!

Charles: Just a minute! (to Igor, who is working on new latrine) You handle our food AND dig LATRINES?
Igor: Don't worry sir, I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines.

BJ: Somebody approaches me and asks whether I'm Captain Hunnicutt the Surgeon and I said, No I'm Captain Hunnicutt the Chaplain, he then says, well, Father you better start praying, because you're being sent back to Korea to do surgery.

Hawkeye: Okay, boys and girls, time to do something intelligent. Since I seem to be the only intelligent person here I nominate me! All in favor say aye.
Potter: Take your seat, Pierce.
Hawkeye: Sorry, sorry...I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the A-Train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five.

Klinger: So, boy, I can't believe I'm saying this, I'm staying in Korea
Hawkeye: You don't have to act crazy NOW! We're all getting out!

Charles' farewell words:
Charles: Gentlemen.

PA Announcement: Ladies and Gentleman, five minutes ago at 10:01 this morning, a truce was signed in Panmunjom. The hostilities will end twelve hours from now at 10:00; THE WAR IS OVER!

Mulcahy (to God): What good is a deaf priest?

Mulcahy: (to Col. Potter) Well, look on the bright side. When we're told we must do our time in purgatory, we can all say "No thanks. I've done mine."

Hawkeye: Nice war we had. Of course every war has its cute things. World War II had nice songs. The War of the Roses had nice flowers. We've got booms, they had blooms. Actually, every war has its 'ooms. You've got doom, gloom, everybody ends in a tomb, the planes go zoom, and they bomb your room.

(Hawkeye and BJ bid farewell to each other with tears)
Hawkeye: Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'll say it. Maybe you're right, maybe we will see each other again, but just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.
BJ: Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of you.
Hawkeye: Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...
BJ: ...Or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.
Hawkeye: I'll miss you.
BJ: I'll miss you--a lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here!

Charles: Hunnicutt, when people share a tent for such a long time, they can become quite close. Of course, that didn't happen in our case, but there is such a thing as common courtesy.

Hawkeye: ...I want you to get me out of here! I don't care how you do it! You can put me on a plane, on a train, on a bus...I'll go out on a mouse drawn chariot, I don't care what!
Sidney: A bus, huh?
Hawkeye: Again with the bus? Why don't you subscribe to Arizona Highways and leave me alone?
Sidney: It's more fun with you.

(remembers scene on bus)

Hawkeye: Something's not right here. It [a chicken] stopped making noise. It, uh... *chuckles* just stopped! (realizes something) She... she killed it. She killed it!
Sidney: She killed the chicken?
Hawkeye (now realizing, breaks down crying): Oh, my God! OH, MY GOD! I didn't mean for her to kill it! I just wanted it to be quiet! It... it was a baby! She...she smothered her own baby! (stops crying) You son of a bitch! Why did you make me remember that?
Sidney: You had to get it out in the open. Now we're halfway home.

Hawkeye (to Sidney): Ya know, people would like you a lot better if you didn't stare at them.

Hawkeye (talking to Sidney): Does the fact that you're here mean I'm not all there?

Hawkeye: So, listen.
Margaret: Yeah...

(Run up and kiss each other, a very long kiss)

Hawkeye: Well, so long.
Margaret: See ya.

BJ (To Hawkeye as they leave): I'll see you in the states, I promise! But just in case I left a note! (B.J. rides off on his motorcycle. Hawkeye lifts off in a chopper and sees some rocks arranged to form the word "Goodbye.")


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