Maid Marian and Her Merry Men
There are chapters in every life which are seldom read and certainly not aloud.Carol Shields
- Marian: Rabies, what's thick and chops down trees?
Rabies: Erm, me.
- Marian: Robin, do stop talking in that silly voice. One of these days we're going to be famous, and our story will be told all over the world in moving picture galleries. It's going to look really stupid if we're all nicely spoken and you're gibbering on like a posey cowboy, isn't it.
[This is a reference to Kevin Costner's performance in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.]
- Sheriff: Sew up my elephant!
Sheriff: Sew up my elephant!
Gladys: What you said doesn't make any sense! Why ... don't... you... take... another... look... at your... phrase... book
- Sheriff: [singing]
From the moment I saw you
I swore you would make me foolhardy
How I wanted to loosen your hair
And to take off your... cardy!
There's never been a moment like this!
Of absolute bliss!
I've been pierced, I've been pierced
I've been pierced, I've been pierced
I've been pierced through the heart by your eyes!
- Marian: How about laying a patio?
Snooker: I couldn't handle the pain.
Snooker: Have you seen the face of a chicken when it lays an egg? And a patio is like 100 times bigger! NO, thank you.
- Robin: See! I set fire to your underpants!
- Marian: Stop! One false move and I'll run this man through!
Sheriff: Oh goodness me. What a terrible threat. Let's all put our weapons back in their cases and go home, shall we. Are you mad?? Do you think I have the slightest interest in that worm's life?? I've seen more interesting faces on the wrong end of a donkey!! Guards - Kill her! And if he gets in the way, hack him to pieces!!
Marian: I said stop! Do you see what he has in his hands? King John's underpants! If he gets run through, what'll happen to them? Great big red stains! And have you ever tried to get blood out of weasel wool? It's impossible!
Graeme: She's right sir! I tried it with my usual washing powder, and the stains just wouldn't shift!
- Robin: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY UNDERPANTS!!!
- King John: Under what are you accused?
Barrington: Selling a rat, answering back, whistling in the corridor and dumb insolence.
King John: Then I find you... Guilty! Hahah hah!
Barrington [sarcastically]: Aw, thanks very much!
King John: And I sentence you to 500 lines, and a months torture!
Barrington: Awww... I HATE lines...
- Marian [fantasising about her plans for a freedom fighting band]: We'll have bows and arrows, and we'll hold rich travellers to ransom!
Robin: What, money you mean?
Marian: Yes! And we'll give it all to the poor!
Robin: I want to go home.
Marian: And we'll surround ourselves with a band of highly attractive respectable young men who are just a tiny bit rough, and are dedicated to freeing our country from tyranny, and injustice, and cruelty to animals and stuff! And we'll swing through the trees on long ropes... and we'll have our own costumes, and we'll never be cross or grumpy! And we'll do these fantastically brave deeds with a merry smile on our face, and everyone will say: "Good heavens, it's those merry men! Come in and have a cup of tea! Can I have your autograph?" And nobody will dare stand against us. And our names will go down in history. And we'll be famous forever! And people will name pubs after us! What do you think?
Robin: ..... .... We'll really have our own costumes? Originals I mean, not out of a catalogue?
Robin: Who's going to design them?
Marian: ... You?
Robin: Right! You're on!
- Guy: I'm happy as a chappy with a great big nappy!
- Guy: I'm as clean as a queen as a washine machine!
King John: You'll be as bruised as a queen as a washine machine!
- Barrington: It's pancake day, yes it's pancake day. It's p-p-p-p-p-pancake day.
- Rabies: So, if that's Marian. And that's Robin. And that's Little Ron.... Where's Plop plop?
Plop Plop: (A large purple alien) Here I am!
Rabies: See, I knew there had to be a simple explanation.