Marcus Brigstocke

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Marcus Brigstocke, British comedian and satirist.


Marcus Brigstocke - Live At The Apollo

  • Computer games don’t affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive music.
  • I don't want to appear to be unsympathetic, but I am, so that's how it comes across.
    • referring to injury lawyer adverts
  • I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
  • Blaine!....Blaine!....Blaine!....Blaine!....Blaine!....Blaine! Wankaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
    • with reference to David Blaine.
  • I know, obviously, a few of you will be thinking, that's a lot of corduroy for one man. Some of you may be concerned I'm a supply teacher who's wandered on at the wrong event.
  • I'm going to ruin your day and garrote you. Because I'm a Londoner and you're all wankers.
  • Anyone here from Norwich? ... Hey! Gimme 6!
  • I don't have crack cocaine for breakfast. Now that's partly through choice, but mostly 'cause I don‘t keep it in the fridge.
  • I'm a dad now. And I'm trying to do the right thing, you know, 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning, my wife's feeding our little baby and I'm going, "Can I help you, love?" And she says, "Clearly not, look at you, hmm? Curry and pies have given you many of the symptoms of the man-boob, but, as yet, the biriyani does not contain that magic ingredient that will allow you to lactate. Now piss off, you're scaring the child."

The Now Show

  • This one goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions, to the Muslims, Christians and Jews. Just a little thing really, but d'you think that when you've finished smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privileges while you do it, d'you think maybe that the rest of us could sort of have our planet back? I wouldn't ask, but the thing is I’m starting to think there must be something written in the special books each of you so enjoy referring to that tells you it’s alright to behave like precious, petulant, pugnacious pricks. Forgive the alliteration but your persistent power-mad punch-ups are pissing me off.
  • Muslims, listen up, my bearded and veily friends, calm down, okay? Stop blowing stuff up. Not everything that's said about you is an attack on the Prophet Muhammad and Allah, that needs to end in the infidel being destroyed. Have a cup of tea, put on a Cat Stevens record, sit down and chill out! I mean, seriously, what's wrong with a strongly worded letter to The Times?
  • Christians, you and your churches don't get to be millionaires while other people have nothing at all. They're your bloody rules, either stick to them or abandon the faith. And stop persecuting and killing people you judge to be immoral. Oh, and stop pretending you're celibate to cover up for being a gay or a nonce.
  • Right, that's two ticked off, Jews! I know you're God's chosen people, and the rest of us are just whatever, but when Israel behaves like a violent psychopathic bully and someone mentions it, that doesn't make them anti-Semitic. And for the record, your troubled history is not a licence to act with impugnity now.
  • "The three Abrahamic faiths are like Scouses; They're all convinced (impersonates a scouse dialect) They 'ave it 'arder than everyone else!
  • I wouldn’t actually like it, but it would be refreshing to hear one of them come out and say “Oh our faith’s violent as you like! We love a scrap, us lot, we do. Honestly, our special book says Fight Fight Kill Maim Fight Destroy Fight Murder and Fight. That’s why I signed up to be honest, I’m a bit naughty. Know what I mean?” But no, all of them claim to be peaceful religions. Yeah, peaceful right up to the point where someone takes something they think is theirs, or says the wrong thing, or looks at them funny. Then it’s fighty smashy kicky punchy all the way.
  • While we're at it, I'm sick of religious people forcing their children to define themselves by their parents' faith. A four year old is no more a Christian than he is a member of the postal workers’ union... (as a child) We want a fair working wage, decent working conditions and time allotted to see the new Transformers film. (in normal voice)... Said a spokesman.

Joke about Scallies and Paedophiles

  • Wham Bar? Your sweets is rubbish man, shut up!
  • Look at you, you're drivin' a Saab, y'got no pride.
  • What sweets you got, sweaty? What do ya mean Neverland?

The Late Edition

  • It's a hymen, love, not a medal.
  • And lo, did a heavenly light descend from the sky, and yea, it was Hammertime.
  • My guess is he (George W. Bush) will declare a War on Fire.
  • In terms of teen pregnancy, we (England) are in the lead, and when it comes to fat, lazy, inert lardasses, we are in the premiership!
  • You know, it's because of people like Heather Mills and Abu Hamza that people don't trust amputees any more. If it wasn't for Lt. Dan from Forrest Gump, I don't know where we'd be.

Planet Corduroy

  • (on Robert Kilroy-Silk) How scared does a nation of people have to be to vote for that orange-faced, self-aggrandising, cock-sucking, racist pansy-powered motherfucker, seriously? I'm a peace-loving hippy at heart, committed to non-violence, but [Kilroy] cannot die soon or violently enough. I'd like him to go in a freak yachting accident. Really freak, not even at sea, you know? Just crossing the road one day... Whoosh! Yacht falls out of the sky. If he's out for a walk that day with Antony Worrall Thompson, I will retire, that's it. You can read about me living out my days in the home for fully contented humans, laughing and dancing in puddles of my own piss.

External links

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