Maria Bamford (born September 3, 1970) is a comedian from Minnesota. She has appeared on her own Comedy Central special and was a star on the show "Comedians of Comedy".
Comedy Central Presents Maria Bamford (2001)
- She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fufilling my potential would really cut into my sittin' around time.
- I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.
- I'm not looking for much [in a guy], I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.
- S-s-sure I'll join your cult. [nervous smile]
The Now Show (2006)
- I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
- I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralysed with hope.
- (Sings in a bright voice) If I keep the kitchen floor clean, no one will die.
The Comediens of Comedy: Live at Del Ray (2007)
- (singing) Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!/
- And on this farm he has a pterodactyl, E-I-E-I-O!/
- With a screeeeeeech! here,/
- and a screeeeeeech! there,/
- here a screeeeeeech!,/
- there a screeeeeeech!...you know the rest.