Married... with Children
If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints.Alfonso The Wise
Married... with Children (1987 - 1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.
- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 Pilot [1.1]
- 1.2 Thinnergy [1.2]
- 1.3 But I Didn’t Shoot the Deputy [1.3]
- 1.4 Whose Room Is It Anyway? [1.4]
- 1.5 Have You Driven a Ford Lately [1.5]
- 1.6 Sixteen Years And What Do You Get [1.6]
- 1.7 Married… Without Children [1.7]
- 1.8 The Poker Game [1.8]
- 1.9 Peggy Sue Got Work [1.9]
- 1.10 Al Loses His Cherry [1.10]
- 1.11 Nightmare on Al’s Street [1.11]
- 1.12 Where’s the Boss [1.12]
- 1.13 Johnny Be Gone [1.13]
- 2 Season 2
- 2.1 Poppy's by the Tree: Part 1 [2.1]
- 2.2 Poppy's by the Tree: Part 2 [2.2]
- 2.3 If I Were a Rich Man [2.3]
- 2.4 Buck Can Do It [2.4]
- 2.5 Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 1 [2.5]
- 2.6 Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 2 [2.6]
- 2.7 For Whom the Bell Tolls [2.7]
- 2.8 Born to Walk [2.8]
- 2.9 Alley of the Dolls [2.9]
- 2.10 The Razor's Edge [2.10]
- 2.11 How Do You Spell Revenge? [2.11]
- 2.12 Earth Angel [2.12]
- 2.13 You Better Watch Out [2.13]
- 2.14 Guys and Dolls [2.14]
- 2.15 Build a Better Mousetrap [2.15]
- 2.16 Master the Possibilities [2.16]
- 2.17 Peggy Loves Al - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah [2.17]
- 2.18 The Great Escape [2.18]
- 2.19 Im-Po-Dent [2.19]
- 2.20 Just Married... with Children [2.20]
- 2.21 Father Lode [2.21]
- 2.22 All in the Family [2.22]
- 3 Season 3
- 3.1 He Thought He Could [3.1]
- 3.2 I'm Going to Sweatland [3.2]
- 3.3 Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story) [3.3]
- 3.4 The Camping Show (aka A Period Piece) [3.4]
- 3.5 A Dump of My Own [3.5]
- 3.6 Her Cups Runneth Over [3.6]
- 3.7 The Bald and the Beautiful [3.7]
- 3.8 The Gypsy Cried [3.8]
- 3.9 Requiem for a Dead Barber [3.9]
- 3.10 I'll See You in Court [3.10]
- 3.11 Eatin' Out [3.11]
- 3.12 My Mom, the Mom [3.12]
- 3.13 Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance) [3.13]
- 3.14 A Three Job, No Income Family [3.14]
- 3.15 The Harder They Fall [3.15]
- 3.16 The House That Peg Lost [3.16]
- 3.17 Married ... with Prom Queen [3.17]
- 3.18 Married ... with Prom Queen: the Sequel [3.18]
- 3.19 The Dateless Amigo [3.19]
- 3.20 The Computer Show [3.20]
- 3.21 Life's a Beach [3.21]
- 3.22 Here's Lookin' at You, Kid [3.22]
- 4 Season 4
- 4.1 Hot Off The Grill [4.1]
- 4.2 Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics [4.2]
- 4.3 Buck Saves The Day [4.3]
- 4.4 Tooth Or Consequences [4.4]
- 4.5 He Ain't Much, But He's Mine [4.5]
- 4.6 Fair Exchange [4.6]
- 4.7 Desperately Seeking Miss October [4.7]
- 4.8 976-Shoe [4.8]
- 4.9 Oh, What A Feeling [4.9]
- 4.10 At The Zoo [4.10]
- 4.11 It's A Bundyful Life: Part 1 [4.11]
- 4.12 It's A Bundyful Life: Part 2 [4.12]
- 4.13 Who'll Stop The Rain [4.13]
- 4.14 A Taxing Problem [4.14]
- 4.15 Rock And Roll Girl [4.15]
- 4.16 You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 1 [4.16]
- 4.17 You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 2 [4.17]
- 4.18 What Goes Around Comes Around [4.18]
- 4.19 Peggy Turns 300 [4.19]
- 4.20 Peggy Made A Little Lamb [4.20]
- 4.21 Raingirl [4.21]
- 4.22 The Agony Of Defeet [4.22]
- 4.23 Yard Sale [4.23]
- 5 Season 5
- 5.1 We'll Follow The Sun [5.1]
- 5.2 Al...With Kelly [5.2]
- 5.3 Sue Casa, His Casa [5.3]
- 5.4 The Unnatural [5.4]
- 5.5 The Dance Show [5.5]
- 5.6 Kelly Bounces Back [5.6]
- 5.7 Married...With Aliens [5.7]
- 5.8 Wabbit Season [5.8]
- 5.9 Do Ya Think I'm Sexy [5.9]
- 5.10 One Down, Two To Go [5.10]
- 5.11 And Baby Makes Money [5.11]
- 5.12 Married...With Who [5.12]
- 5.13 The Godfather [5.13]
- 5.14 Look Who's Barking [5.14]
- 5.15 A Man's Castle [5.15]
- 5.16 All Night Security Dude [5.16]
- 5.17 Oldies But Young 'Uns [5.17]
- 5.18 Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers [5.18]
- 5.19 Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do? [5.19]
- 5.20 Top Of The Heap [5.20]
- 5.21 You Better Shop Around: Part 1 [5.21]
- 5.22 You Better Shop Around: Part 2 [5.22]
- 5.23 Route 666: Part 1 [5.23]
- 5.24 Route 666: Part 2 [5.24]
- 5.25 Buck The Stud [5.25]
- 6 Season 6
- 6.1 She's Having My Baby: Part 1 [6.1]
- 6.2 She's Having My Baby: Part 2 [6.2]
- 6.3 If Al Had A Hammer [6.3]
- 6.4 Cheese, Cues And Blood [6.4]
- 6.5 Looking For A Desk In All The Wrong Places [6.5]
- 6.6 Buck Has A Belly Ache [6.6]
- 6.7 If I Could See Me Now [6.7]
- 6.8 God's Shoes [6.8]
- 6.9 Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 1 [6.9]
- 6.10 Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 2 [6.10]
- 6.11 Al Bundy, Shoe Dick [6.11]
- 6.12 So This Is How Sinatra Felt [6.12]
- 6.13 I Who Have Nothing [6.13]
- 6.14 The Mystery Of Skull Island [6.14]
- 6.15 Just Shoe It [6.15]
- 6.16 Rites Of Passage [6.16]
- 6.17 The Egg And I [6.17]
- 6.18 My Dinner With Anthrax [6.18]
- 6.19 Psychic Avengers [6.19]
- 6.20 High I.Q. [6.20]
- 6.21 Teacher Pets [6.21]
- 6.22 The Goodbye Girl [6.22]
- 6.23 The Gas Station Show [6.23]
- 6.24 England Show: Part 1 [6.24]
- 6.25 England Show: Part 2 [6.25]
- 6.26 England Show: Part 3 [6.26]
- 7 Season 7
- 8 Season 11
- 9 Unsorted Quotes
- 10 External links
- Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
- Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.
- Al: Yes, Ma'am.
- Al: Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death.
- Al: I'm gonna hate these people.
- Peg: You will not hate them, they are very nice.
- Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.
- Al: I'm sorry, honey. I didn't hear you. I was just thinking of killing myself.
- Al: You know another thing that makes women such a blessing for us? It's when you're sitting somewhere and they come over and they say to you, "What are you thinking?" And you start thinking, "You know, if I wanted you to know, I'd be talking." But you can't actually say that to 'em or else they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, P.M.S. thing, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that P.M.S. stands for "Pummels Men's Scrotums." Does your wife buy you juice, Steve?
- Marcy: I feel sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that winning-is-the-only-thing attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports.
- Al: You gonna neuter him too?
- Peg: That's not good. Do you have PMS?
- Marcy: No.
- Peg: Get it!
- Al: And I'm telling you your son's going to grow up to be a sissy mary without sports.
- Steve: I used to love sports.
- Al: Of course you did, you're a man.
- Peg: See Al? Steve helps around the house.
- Al: Way to go, Steve!
- Peg: Al, they're here. And another thing, don't eat or drink anything while they're here. One of them may have to use the bathroom while they're here.
- Al: Does nobody have a name? Like Tom, Dick, Cobra with a sore on his mouth.
- Kelly: Oh it's not that kind of a sore. He just fell asleep with a cigar in his mouth.
- Al: Kids gone?
- Peg: Yeah... but they'll be back.
- Fat Woman: I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a 7 since I graduated from High School.
- Al: The scale says 9, but... lady you're a 9, I can accept it, why can't you.
- Fat Woman: You're very fresh.
- Al: No, ma'am, that's impossible. For the last hour I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe when I really should've been easing them into the box, so I'm anything but fresh, and could you tell John Henry to give those $100 pumps a rest.
- Fat Woman: Your ad says "courteous service".
- Al: That's not my ad, ma'am. That was from the former owners, he died on this very spot when a size 9 exploded in his face.
- Marcy: Hi, I'm Marcy!
- Steve: I'm Steve!
- Marcy: You have a beautiful home.
- Al: Yeah, so do you, come on in.
- Steve: Howdy, Neighbors!
- Al: Yeah, Yeah, (mouthing words to Peg) I hate these people.
- Marcy: My mother is coming over next week.
- Steve: Oh yeah? Is she gonna teach you how to bury me like she buried her three husbands?
- Marcy: Steve. Are you emplying that their suicides had something to do with mother?
- Fat Woman: Come on Arnold, we're leaving.
- Kid: I want a balloon!
- Al: You've already got one.
- Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second will ya, let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you, doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful - like that girl on TV - I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!
- Al: Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.
- Steve: Ah... Thinnergy.
- Al: Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?
- Steve: Well yes, Al, she does.
But I Didn’t Shoot the Deputy [1.3]
- Marcy: Look, we know Bella can be loud, and annoying, and the whole neighbourhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.
- Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!
- Peg: Al, what are you doing?
- Al: Getting my gun. Peg are you gonna tell me where you hid the bullets now or are you gonna wait until the kids see our pictures in the paper?
- Peg: Al, I had to hide the bullets so Bud wouldn't find them.
- Al: Where are they?
- Peg: They are in the finger holes of your new bowling ball.
- Al: Oh this is real easy Peg. This is much better than keeping them handy. I mean, even an axe-wielding maniac deserves a little break.
- Steve: (To Al) You shot my dog in the middle of a bowel movement?
- Marcy: Steve, is he really dead?
- Steve: Yes, dear.
- Marcy: How do you know?
- Steve: Well, number one - he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two - his brains are in the begonias.
- Marcy: (Talking about the dog) Where is he?
- Al: Well he's out in my yard! You can't miss him... I didn't.
Whose Room Is It Anyway? [1.4]
- Al: Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there, to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?
- Steve: Well, Al...
- Al: I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?
- Steve: The French?
- (Al nods his agreement)
- Al: I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.
- Steve: I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.
- Al: Well she's got one. She's got the kitchen!
Have You Driven a Ford Lately [1.5]
- Steve: It's not just a car, honey - it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.
- Marcy: Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?
- Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.
- Al: Hello? Dr. Mustang. You got the ornament? (to Peg) He got the little horse.
- Peggy: Yee-ha.
- Al: (on the phone) You got yourself a deal. I'll send the check in the morning. Best to Mrs. Mustang.
- Al: Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look coolly out the window and we'll pretend these (gesturing at their wives) are our mothers.
- Peg: Al just had it in his head that the cop was an impersonator. I'm sorry I put that in your head, Al.
- Peg: They bought something that we hate, without asking us, and that is bad. But now we have the right to go out and buy whatever we want, without asking them, and that is good. It's in the bible.
- Marcy: But we can't afford to buy anything.
- Peg: Well, then lets just be mean as hell.
Sixteen Years And What Do You Get [1.6]
- Al: [Is given a book] "My Partner. My Wife. My Life". My God.
- Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift?
- Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car, then comes back inside] Happy anniversary.
- Peggy: A can of motor oil?
- Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.
- Al: I'm going to take my tools, which I paid for, and celebrate in the garage which I'm still paying for.
- Al: An anniversary is something special. It's not like other holidays when other people are celebrating too, it's just between the two of ya. See, it's, it's a day when you can show how you feel the rest of the year, but you don't. 'Cause you're a man.
Married… Without Children [1.7]
- Al: You are the biggest -- by the way, do you have cable?
- Steve: No.
- Al: The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.
The Poker Game [1.8]
- Lisa: No! Look, you don't seem to understand me. I want something that goes with this dress.
- Al: A bubbling cauldron?
- Lisa: You've got a lot of nerve.
- Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.
- Peg: Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em, he eats 'em, I love him"?
- Al: Nah, you'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five and a half foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.
- Peg: (with mock excitement) Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.
- Al: (surprised) You wouldn't mind?
Peggy Sue Got Work [1.9]
- Al: Now remember, kids, this is your mother's first day at work. She's probably a little nervous, a little insecure, so when she comes down those stairs I want everyone to stand behind her like a family - and try not to laugh.
- Al: (to Peg) You can't have a VCR.
- Marcy: What gives you the right to make that decision?
- (showing Marcy a cheque)
- Al: Because the name on this cheque says "Al Bumby". (looks closer) Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it - maybe - because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.
Al Loses His Cherry [1.10]
- Luke: (to Al) The day Luke Ventura can't help a friend is the day he has something better to do.
- Al: Luke, how can you go around and sleep with every woman you meet?
- Luke: I don't know, but I do.
Nightmare on Al’s Street [1.11]
- Marcy: I can't believe you told him.
- Peg: I can't believe you dream about him.
- Al: I can't believe everybody doesn't!
- Peg: I thought you liked the Cubs.
- Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.
- Peg: Well honey. Maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.
- Kelly: I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.
- Peg: In the sixteen years I've been married to Al I've learned there are certain things never to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless women's gymnastics are on, then you gotta shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning, he thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him he's right.
- Marcy: Why?
- Peg: Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me I know this from experience.
- Steve: Al, I'm horny. What are you going to do about it?
Where’s the Boss [1.12]
- Peg: Maybe we should send something special to the family.
- Al: Yeah. How 'bout some scuba gear and a body bag.
- Peg: It's not every year Kelly gets promoted to the next grade.
- Kelly: All right, who put this ad in the paper? (reading from the newspaper) "cheap blonde, sixteen - looks thirty, seeks job out of state, no reading or writing please"
Johnny Be Gone [1.13]
- Al: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face, and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.
- Bud: Dad, why is Mrs. Rhoades wearing a towel?
- Al: Bud, do you want to hear a long boring story, about a short boring woman or do you want your car fixed?
- Al: Peg, Does the phrase "Hurry The Hell Up" mean anything.
- Marcy: Do you see a fish eye.
- Al: No but I see a chicken leg.
- Al: (Al On the phone) Hello spike Al, is no john mckenzie there, yeah the one with no john, is she there.
- Marcy: How long does it take to dry a dress
- Peg: In the machine's defence, Al fixed that too.
- Al: I have an announcement, "Shutup".
- Al: Peg, as much as i hate to see you run, run.
Poppy's by the Tree: Part 1 [2.1]
- Guy: Remember our motto:'If we don't got it, you shoulda brought it.' [he asks for a tip]
- Al: Remember our motto: 'We ain't got it.'
- Lady: Anything else I can do for you?
- Peg: Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.
- Al: Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.
Poppy's by the Tree: Part 2 [2.2]
- Al: Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.
If I Were a Rich Man [2.3]
- Steve: They think back: 'Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course, I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.
- Peggy: Thank your father, kids.
- Kelly, Bud: Thanks, Dad.
- (the radio plays during a view of the empty Bundy household)
- Announcer: In the news: a redheaded woman and her two children attempted to jump from the roof of the Sears Tower this evening. Authorities eventually managed to talk them down, crying hysterically. When asked what her problem was, all the woman said was, "Shoes! He sells shoes!"
Buck Can Do It [2.4]
- Al: Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?
- Buck: Whadaya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?
- Al: You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate?
- Buck: Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?
- Al: Wait a second, Peg, why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said, "let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.
- Peg: It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?
- Al: Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him, and Kelly, well she'll grow up to believe that a two income family is a house with two husbands.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 1 [2.5]
- Al: (starring at the butt of the repair-girl) Yeah looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.
- Steve: I think it looks more like an apple Al.
- Peg: So Al, you were staring at that girl too?
- Al: Yeah...
- Peg: I bet she had great legs.
- Al: Yeah...
- Peg: And good breasts.
- Al: Yeah...
- Peg: Do you wanna come upstairs.
- Al: Yeah... wait a minute, with you?
- Peg: Oh, yeah!
- Al: ...okay.
- Al: (to Kelly) I want you to tell uncle Steve what your guidance counsellor said what career you'd be best suited for.
- Kelly: Lumbercamp toy or the other woman.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 2 [2.6]
- Steve: I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.
- Al: Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?
For Whom the Bell Tolls [2.7]
Born to Walk [2.8]
- Al: Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.
- Steve: Well, I warned you, Al.
- Al: [chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.
- Steve: (looking through the booklet) Oh, these tests are brutal. Here's one they'll never get me on again: how many feet in advance do you have to signal before making a turn in a business or residential area?
- Al: Who cares?
- Steve: A cop in a business or residential area.
- Al: Uh, Peg, maybe you didn't hear me. I said I failed my written test.
- Peg: Well, I didn't say I was proud of you.
- Kelly: And Mom, Dad got another ticket for a broken tail-light and one for driving without a license.
- Peg: [with sarcasm] Oh, I'm sorry, Al. Now I'm proud of you.
- Al: Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.
- Bud: That's my bike. I reported it stolen.
- Al: Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.
- Al: No, this too: right now your daddy's a little irritated, because you cost your daddy 500 freaking dollars, but more important than that - well, not more important than that but as important - you've showed me how little you care. So tomorrow, when I go to get my license...
- Kelly: Who's taking you, Dad?
- Al: I'll crawl on my face. When I come home, your daddy is not going to give you anything: not a smile, no money, no food... I'm not going to lift a finger to help any of you and I don't expect any of you to lift a finger to help me. From now on, we have a new Bundy rule: every man for himself.
Alley of the Dolls [2.9]
The Razor's Edge [2.10]
- Marcy: Oh Peggy! What am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.
- Peg: Look, you don't have to give up any...An hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had it STILL doesn't come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.
- Marcy: I'm so excited! Steve has been gone for five days. That's the longest we've been apart since we've been married. Well you know how it is Peg. What would you do if Al was gone for five days?
- Peg: Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother and travel.
How Do You Spell Revenge? [2.11]
Earth Angel [2.12]
- Al: Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.
- Peg: You got a night job?
- Al: No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.
- Peg: Well then, you've been missing work.
- (After returning from the bowling riot)
- Al: Did you hear something on the news!?!?
- Peg: Yes as a matter of fact, they said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.
- Al: I got no time Peg, I gotta go looting!
You Better Watch Out [2.13]
- Peg: Al, get rid of those kids.
- Al: If I knew how to do that we wouldn't have ours.
- [Al opens the door and announces to the kids]
- Al: Okay everybody, boys and girls, and you Tony. Santa's okay. Now he just had a little bit of Mrs. Bundy's cooking and he's in the bathroom bent over, but he's going to be fine, so go home.
- Al:What's wrong now? The Easter Bunny hang himself in my front yard?
- Al:[doorbell rings] Oh great! Probably an elf with a knife in his back.
- Al: [dressed as Santa] No, no, Nestor. Despite what your mother says, Mr. Bundy doesn't sprout a tail at midnight. But, here's a special Christmas gift for Daddy; tell him to come home for lunch some day around when Mr. Mailman's there with his special delivery for Mommy. That'll be a real Yuletide treat for old dad.
- Nestor: But what do I get?
- Al: A new home, and a fresh new Mommy. Ho-ho-ho!
- Al: [dressed as Santa] Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.
- Kid: I wanna sit on your lap.
- Al: [dressed as Santa] All right but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.
- Kid: Santa smells like beer.
- Al: [dressed as Santa; quietly] Catch me in five minutes, I'll smell like hard liquor.
- Al: Well, they're gone. All dead guys and non-relatives out.
- Bud: So long, Kel.
- Kelly: Yeah, like they really intended to have you.
- Peg: Now kids, we wanted both of you. It was your father I didn't plan on.
- (Something falls off the Bundy's roof into their back yard)
- Kelly: What was that?
- Al: I don't know, but if it's dead and has a red nose, we'll throw it in Steve and Marcy's yard.
Guys and Dolls [2.14]
- Peg: I never understood the fascination with Barbie. But I sure could strip Ken with my teeth.
- Marcy: (disgusted) Yes, I'm sure.
- Peg: Look at them over there. Men are such idiots. And I married their king.
- Al: Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.
- Peg: No, what I just don't get is sex.
- Al: That'll be Bud's new hobby.
- Peg: Sex?
- Al: No! Baseball cards.
- (Discussing Bud)
- Peg: I think I know what the problem with him is. He just has too much free time on his hands. Now what are we going to do about that?
- Al: Well, we could get him a wife?
Build a Better Mousetrap [2.15]
- Peg: Is it dead, Al?
- Al: It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.
- Peg: Something went in your shoe and lived? Will you call an exterminator now?
- Al: Nah, now it's personal.
- (Al is going into the basement)
- Al: Say, cheese. Hello!
- (Al fires twice with his rifle)
Master the Possibilities [2.16]
- Bud: They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.
- Steve: Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?
- Bud: Sure.
- Steve: Then it's-a-prison he'll be going.
- Al: You know I said to Sven "is it worth it?", and Sven said "vhen it's vor the vamily it's vorth it", yeah and he also said that a lobster could pinch through an atheletic support. Sven was 0 for 2 today!
- Al: Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck... What are they gonna do, sue a dog?!? Arrest him? Cuff 'em? Beat the hell out of 'em? and so what if they did?
Peggy Loves Al - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah [2.17]
- Bud: This is going to be my special day. Any girls call me?
- Kelly: Yep, they call you geek, dork, hairy palms.
- Al: I hate Valentine's Day in the shoe store, every fat woman in Chicago hippos in wanting pink pumps. They think it makes them look sexy. As if anyone can see the shoes over the bulging flesh of their ankles.
- Steve: So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentines day? Fur? Jewels? A car?
- Al: If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah it's kind of a tradition, every Valentines day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile and slam dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me but she seems to like it.
- Steve: I only pray that after sixteen years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.
- Al: Steve, If it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV.
- Marcy: So, do you know what Al's getting you?
- Peg: Yeah, same thing he gets me every year. He's gonna slam dunk me a quick one. Of course those are his words, I mean in reality it's more like a foul shot. You know he takes a deep breath and scores, sure it's worth a point but it will never make the high-light reel.
- Marcy: It's like your honeymoon never ended.
The Great Escape [2.18]
- Al: (walks by Kelly, who is pretending to be a mannequin so she will be able to sneak out) Damn mannequins look like hookers.
- Marcy: Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...
- Peg: Al, why can't you be more like Steve?
- Marcy: ...and he's impotent!
- Peg: My God, you are like Steve.
- Peg: Marcy what is it?
- Marcy: Peggy, Steve's IMPOTENT.
- [Steve walks in]
- Al: Hey Buddy. What's up? OOPS!
- Al: Yeah Steve, you're a real stallion, listen, let's say we go down to the ice cream shop and get a... softy?
- Steve: I can't believe you told him.
- Marcy: Steve I'm sorry it's just that you were once a mighty oak and now...
- Al: A hanging vine?
Just Married... with Children [2.20]
- Al: I welcome death!
- Al: What's it gonna be, Bink? Hand grenade down the pants? Spear in the pelvis? Don't keep me in suspense here. The wife needs a new a car!
- (On the game show)
- Marcy: (Alarmed) Oh Steve, I didn't know there'd be electric chairs!
- Steve: It doesn't matter. Juice me until I'm ash, they are not getting that car.
Father Lode [2.21]
All in the Family [2.22]
- Al: "Hondo", Peg... John Wayne's best movie... it only comes on once every 17 years. Oh Peg, please let me watch "Hondo".
- (Everyone but Al singing "You Are My Sunshine")
- Peg: Just the boys.
- Bud and Uncle Irwin: Please don't take my sunshine away
- Peg: Just the girls.
- Kelly and Uncle Otto: You'll never know, dear...
- Uncle Otto: You're not good enough for our family.
- Al: Yeah, I've never been up on a morals charge.
He Thought He Could [3.1]
- Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!
I'm Going to Sweatland [3.2]
- Steve: You know what we say at the bank: when opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.
Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story) [3.3]
- Kelly: I'm Kelly. Remember, we met in the boys' shower the other day?
- Matt: Oh, yeah, the soup girl.
- Kelly: The soap girl. S-O-P-E.
- Marcy: (thinking) So young... so young. Hey, number 21, if you got the place, I'll do the time. Oh, yeah.
- Marcy: (thinking) Look at those young boys... those tight little buns squeezed into those tight little uniforms... spike me, baby, spike me.
- Peg: (thinking) Poor Al. He's having such a miserable day. Gee, I hope he doesn't realize this jacket cost two hundred dollars.
- Al: (thinking) My record is going to hell. No one will remember me, and my wife is wearing a two hundred dollar jacket.
The Camping Show (aka A Period Piece) [3.4]
- Kelly: I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.
- Al: Peg?
- Peg: Well, it's her time of the month Al.
- Al: What the hell did we bring her for then?
- Bud: Squeak through another month eh' Kel?
- Al: Well the cast of Bambi is out there now, and in here we have some of the seven dwarfs: puffy, crabby, and horny.
- Peg: It's hot in here.
- Marcy: It's cold in here.
- Kelly: It's hot and cold in here.
A Dump of My Own [3.5]
- Steve: Al, I don't see any spot marked off for a sink.
- Al: Hey, this is a man's bathroom. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, or in my case Peggy, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad? In my bathroom there's only gonna be men's things: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a spot for my razor.
- Steve: Why have a razor if you don't have a sink?
- Al: Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve. It's for peace of mind.
- Al: We don't need the lottery. We have each other.
- Peg: I want the lottery.
- Peg: How was it Al?
- Al: I don't know Peg, I'm constipated.
- Kelly: Eat Dad's socks.
- Bud: Sniff his shoes.
- Peg: I am telling you, Al loves that toilet more than he does me.
- Marcy: Peggy, don't be ridiculous.
- Al: Hi Peg. (Al walks to the toilet, hugs it and gives it a kiss) Daddy loves you.
- Al: Well Peg, we all have to live with our disappointments. I, of course, have to sleep with mine.
- Peg: Is that its new name?
- Peg: What does that toilet have that I don't?
- Al: A job.
- Al: That's a man's flush.
Her Cups Runneth Over [3.6]
- [Al and Steve see beautiful women in the lingerie store]
- Al: I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it.
- Al: [watching the store clerk walk away] Yeah, let's see the Japanese build a better one of those.
The Bald and the Beautiful [3.7]
- (Al enters wearing a bathrobe. He is followed by Peg, also wearing a robe and smoking)
- Peg: You were great, Al.
- Al: Leave me alone.
- (They sit on the couch)
- Peg: C'mon, Al. I really really believe if you'd practice once in a while, you could actually get good at sex. Honey, you don't have to hit your head.
- Al: That's the one part I enjoy, Peg. It takes my mind off what the rest of my body is going through.
- Peg: Take it from me, it's not going through much.
- Al: Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday night sex?
- (He turns on the TV)
- Announcer: And that's it for Monday Night Football.
- Al: I just had sex, Steve. What do you want?
- Steve: I'm in trouble, Al. I need help. I was out walking alone. I couldn't face being around people, so I came here. Al, let me start at the beginning. I went to work this morning. Feeling good. Feeling spry. The bank was crowded so I sent a teller on a break. I was on top of the world. Then I found this on my desk.
- (Steve hands Al a piece of newspaper)
- Al: (Reading) "Tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine." Well, it happens. Get on with your life, Steve.
- Steve: Turn it over, Al.
- (Al turns the paper over)
- Al: (Reading) "Monoxodyl: Hope for the hairless"
- Steve: Do you know what this is? It's the stuff they give to men who are...(mumbles)... going bald.
- Steve: I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll have me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar, with a sign that says "Please"?
- Marcy: Oh, Peggy, I'm, so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero.
- Peg: Ooh. The ribbed kind?
- Marcy: On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.
- Peg: You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the Walkman.
- Steve: Al, I've got some bad news. "Dr. Fur" has been recalled. They determined it to be one hundred percent dog food.
- Al: Steve, I bought twenty bucks worth of that stuff.
- Steve: Don't you see, Al? Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that better than anybody. Your follicles are alive.
- Bud: Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?
- Al: We're growing hair, Bud.
- Bud: They're growing hair, Kell.
- Kelly: Why? They're old. Who looks at 'em anyway?
- Bud: Yeah. Look around you, Dad. If hair got you all this, let it go.
- Steve: Let him laugh, Al. In ten years his head will be as barren as your lawn.
- Bud: What do you mean?
- Steve: Well, Bud, hair is hereditary. So is hair loss.
- Kelly: (Joyous) You mean by the time his skin clears up, his hair will be falling out? Oh, Bud. My poor sexless, hairless brother. I'm so happy for you.
- Bud: Oh, Dad. Why did you have me? For a biological experiment? I was just getting used to being poor and now this.
- Kelly: Easy, Bud. Stress causes baldness. Relax. And remember, you can always make money selling flowers at airports. I'll lend vou one of my dresses.
- Bud: Yeah. Give me the one that says "Put 'em here, boys."
- Lance: I'd like to open this week's meeting on a sad note. Brother Herbert went to Hawaii and forgot to pack his hat. A hairy child put a reflector by his head as he dozed, and well, it'll be a long time before he does his famous head in the bowling ball cleaner routine again. (They all moan sadly) So I'd like to bring up a motion to send him-, the traditional arrangement of balloons with ears, so he'll think of us. All in favor?
- Everyone: Bald.
- Lance: Opposed?
- Jim: Hair.
- Lance: Good, Brother Steve. Tell her so she can realize, like thousands of other women have, that bald men are sexier, more virile, and aerodynamic. Let's face it. It doesn't get better than bald. A bald head says good in bed. (They all cheer) All right! Brother Al. Have you been moved to share?
- Al: Sure, I'll share. Let me share this little tidbit with you. You guys are nuts. Attractive, virile, sexy? Women want you? For what? To check their make-up? But you human flashlights have really helped me. When I came here tonight, I thought I was bald. But looking at you 'guys, I realize two things. One, I really miss playing pool, and two, I'm not bald. Steve's not bald. You guys are bald. Really bald. Hundred watt, soft-white bald. Steve, we should feel great, cause we got hair. And I'll tell you something else. If and when I do lose my hair, I still won't be sitting here with you. Cause I've got something at home that doesn't care what I look like. That accepts me for what I am, and is always there when I need it. My couch.
The Gypsy Cried [3.8]
- Peggy: Steve and Marcy throw a nice party, don't they?
- Al: Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much, bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.
- Peggy: Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.
- Al: I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit, I did try to liven things up!
- Peggy: You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell, "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"
- Madam Olga: I feel very strong vibrations here.
- Al: (To Peg) Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?
Requiem for a Dead Barber [3.9]
- [Al comes in with a perm]
- Peg: You look like a fruit, Al.
- Al: Thanks, Peg.
- Bud: Pretty cool, Dad. You have that 'no closet can hold me' look.
- Kelly: You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you?
- Al: Hopefully, wherever they buried Tony, they buried him face down so he wouldn't have to see my shame. 'Cause Al Bundy [has to pause for audience laughter] is going to get washed...and blown.
I'll See You in Court [3.10]
- Jury Foreman: (When reaching a verdict decision) ...and as for the Bundys, no sex equals no money.
- Ms. Weigel: (Looking at the defendants - the Bundys and the Rhoades) How lovely, new meat.
- Marcy: (when Kelly and Bud found out about the tapes) You told them! Now everybody knows I'm a porn queen!
- Steve: I can't believe they taped us.
- Marcy: And on 'Back to School' night.
- Steve: (He stands up, clears his throat and goes to the jurors) Hello everyone! Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy, went to the Hop-On Inn to indulge in a little clean marital fun. On separate occasions, of course. During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities, the reaffirmation of the love we share, and ... whatever the Bundys were doing ... our conjugal privacy was invaded. Yes, we were violated by video cameras! (Marcy hides her face behind her hand) But first, I think you should hear some background that I believe is germane to this case. My grandfather came to this country poor man ...
- (Minutes go by)
- Steve: Then, in World War II, my uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal disease ...
Eatin' Out [3.11]
- Al: [ordering dinner for everyone, in a high-class restaurant] Four steaks. Nuke 'em.
- Al: Hey kids wadda ya say, you wanna go out for a nice dinner tomorrow?
- Bud: We wanna see Tears and Vomit.
- Al: Well, you see that when your mom cooks.
My Mom, the Mom [3.12]
- Peg: (Peg awakens from her sugar coma) Mom, I had the most horrible dream - I was married to a shoe salesman.
- Kelly: Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do nothing, I want to be nothing.
Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance) [3.13]
- Al: There are two things Bundys don't do: we don't eat vegetables and we don't tap.
- Al: When a Bundy is embarassed the rest of us feel better about ourselves.
- Steve: Your problem is you're not tuned into the true spirit of tap and what tap can do for you. Now, tap can be your friend, you know, on those...lonely nights when the cool kids don't invite you to their parties; when everyone else is out having fun, but you're home, studying, trying to make something of yourself, so that someday you can own the best car in the neighborhood. On those mornings when you look in a mirror and see a guy who's pretty darn good lookin', but shunned because of his intelligence--but they'll be sorry someday, 'cause everybody needs a car or a home loan, and then that's when they'll come crawling on their bellies to me. So I guess "Steve, Steve, the school's pet peeve" is worth something after all, so crawl, crawl, you paupers and kiss my...
- Marcy: Steve.
A Three Job, No Income Family [3.14]
- Peg: What's wrong with you getting a second job?
- Al: Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose, before I get another job to pay for your shopping.
- Captain: Get with the program Bundy. You're a disgrace to the hat. Aw, clean your station.
- Al: Marry a redhead.
- Al: She's her own customer, Steve. All this time she's been buying all this stuff herself.
- Steve: [chuckles] Al. Your life is pathetic.
- Marcy: [off camera] Steve. The fish sticks are thawing.
The Harder They Fall [3.15]
- Al: I can't say I won, and I can't say I lost. [looks at Peg] Well I definitely can't say I won.
- Marcy: If I had my way, I'd have them round up everyone of those inconsiderate savages, bury them up to their necks and run them over with the grain reaper.
- Peg: You know I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl, God I hate her!
The House That Peg Lost [3.16]
- Bud: (When taking pictures of the girls) Yum yum give me some.
Married ... with Prom Queen [3.17]
- Al: Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?
- Al: I'm not going to this reunion.
- Peggy: Now look, Al. You said you wouldn't take me to prom. I said fine. You said you'd only be a shoe salesman for a little while until you got your feet off the ground. I said fine. You said, "I don't know what's wrong; I guess I'm just tired." I said fine. I'm not saying fine this time, Al.
- Peg: Okay Al, lets go over this one more time. What do you work as?
- Al: Garbageman.
- Peg: How often do we do it?
- Al: Five times a year.
- Peg: No, five times a week Al. I'm not asking you to do it, just say it. How many kids do we have?
- Al: None.
- Connie: Peggy! Peggy Wanker, don't bother to thank her.
- Peg: Connie! Connie Bender, bring a friend it won't affend her.
Married ... with Prom Queen: the Sequel [3.18]
The Dateless Amigo [3.19]
- Marcy: Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.
- Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hastle you on the way to your Mercedes. What do you think of it, Al?
- Al: What about tax?
- Steve: [after pause] You sound just like those fools in the treasury department.
- Marcy: Well, Dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.
- Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.
- Marcy: And audit you for five straight years.
- Kelly: Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know, how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.
- Bud: Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.
- Kelly: They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.
The Computer Show [3.20]
- Al: What do I need a computer for?
- Marcy: News updates.
- Al: Newspaper.
- Marcy: Social events.
- Al: TV guide.
- Steve: Recipes.
- Al: (placing arm around Peg) Don't eat.
- Steve: Doctor's appointments.
- Al: Don't care.
- Peg: I didn't marry a happy man.
- Al: No, you did Peg. You just turned him into me.
- Al: Now, we're not getting a computer. Computers are ruining the country, computers and women.
- Peg: Yes, and they're quite similar, Al, because you don't know how to turn on either one.
- Al: I'm not interested in either one.
- Steve: I used to be like you, Al. Well, not just like you, I mean, I cared about personal hygiene, and had change for a dollar. But I too doubted the computer. No longer, Al. The computer can be your friend. Especially on those long nights when your wife isn't talking to you 'cause she can't fold a stinking napkin.
Life's a Beach [3.21]
Here's Lookin' at You, Kid [3.22]
- Peg: Al, nobody wants to peep me, hold me!
- Al: Well nobody wants to hold you either.
Hot Off The Grill [4.1]
- Al: It's Labor Day, not Leech Day, that's Christmas.
- Steve: What happened to my fish?
- Al: It fell on the ground, eat up.
- Al: In 1492 Columbus brought labor day to America, and the women still did nothing!
- (Peg is smoking three cigarettes at once)
- Bud: She's turning into Grandma before our very eyes.
Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics [4.2]
- Peg: There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do, number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron and parent, and number two: exercise.
Buck Saves The Day [4.3]
Tooth Or Consequences [4.4]
- Bud: Dad, dad, I had a girl here last night.
- Al: Bud, I got no time for your jokes now, my teeth are killing me.
He Ain't Much, But He's Mine [4.5]
- Marcy: Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability... Al ranked below ALF; which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it, than with your husband.
- Bud: Hey mom, do you think dad is cheating on you?
- Peg: Oh, of course not!
- Bud: Good because we don't want to see you and dad break up, we're almost like a family here.
Fair Exchange [4.6]
Desperately Seeking Miss October [4.7]
- Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?
- Al: Fine.
- Al's Father: How are my Playboys?
- Al: You know, huh?
- Al's Father: (Sarcastically) No, I care how you and the kids are.
- Peg: Hi, Al, did you have a good day?
- Al: I came home. How good could it have been?
Oh, What A Feeling [4.9]
- Bud: Hi, Mom.
- Peg: Hi, Kelly.
- Kelly: Hi, Mom.
- Peg: Hi, Bud.
- Al: Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.
- Peg: I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?
- Al: Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?
- 'Peg: Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?
- Al: Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.
- Peg: I want a Cadillac.
- Kelly: I want a Ferrari.
- Bud: I want a Porsche.
- Al: Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.
- Bud: Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.
- Al: If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [Gives Peg significant nods.]
- Tony: How do you intend to pay?
- Al: [Smugly] Well, how does a five thousand dollar deposit sound?
- Al: [Hands Bud the box.] Bud, peel them off five big ones.
- Bud: [Looks in the box.] Well I'd love to Dad, but all you got is eight hundred.
- Al: [Taken aback] Is that all?
- Bud: No. That and a red hair.
- AL: All right, everybody, let's hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys? What, about two, three hundred years? In that time I have learned to do without several things. A yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will live not one more day without a car that runs. So no more advice. I will go find my own used car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of something that goes vroom. Al Bundy pushes no more. Now get out of my car.
At The Zoo [4.10]
- Al: I work in a shoe store and still I'm not happy to come home.
- Courtney: Mr. Bundy, wanna buy some chipmunk cookies?
- Al: No, go away!
- Courtney: You can't tell me you're not hungry, my daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.
- Al: Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.
- Courtney: [Holds up a box of cookies enticingly.] It's food.
- Al: [Takes the box of macaroons] All right, gimme a box of these macaroons.
- Courtney: [Snatches it back from Al.] Cash only, deadbeat.
- Al: I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?
- Courtney: [Walks off] Eat a bug.
- Al: Wet a bed.
- Al: [Reading note] "Dear Al, you always complain there's no dinner. Surprise, I left it on the table for you..."
- [Al walks over to the table. He become excited by the last sentence, but is dashed at the sight of Buck laying on the table eating his burger.]
- Al: You ate my dinner! You bag of fleas and ticks. I'm starving!
- Bud: Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.
- Al: A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?
- Peg: Oh, hi, Marcy. I went to the zoo today with the kids and nobody else. How was your day?
- Marcy: [Sarcastically] Superb. Since I got demoted to Drive-Up-Teller, everything is just so much more exciting. It's a people job. They drive up to my window, order a cheeseburger, spit at me and drive away. But they're not all like that. Some of them actually try to pull my hand through the chute before they spit at me and drive away. So between that and the cheery "Hurry up, you stupid moo cow", the fifty hour work week just seems to zoom by.
- Al: Don't let them bother you, Marcy; ignore them, chew your cud, and hold your horns up high.
- Steve: Marcy, I can't keep secrets from you. I went to the zoo today and didn't look for a job.
- Marcy: Well, good, Steve. Tonight when we're in bed together, don't look for anything there either.
- Steve: Oh, that's right. I was supposed to meet Marcy at my old bank today.
- Bud: Oh, man. Mrs. Rhoades is gonna gut you like a fish.
- Steve: Hey, I can handle Mrs. Rhoades. I'll just give her what she's been begging for all week - my famous chocolate souffle. Yeah it takes a good two hours, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. [Switches on the TV.]
- Reporter: A drug crazed gunman attempted to rob the Leading Bank Of Chicago this afternoon. His attempt was foiled by a feisty local woman, Marcy Rhoades, whom he tried to seize as a hostage. But he picked the wrong woman, didn't he Mrs. Rhoades? Is that gunshot wound through your hand bothering you?
- Marcy: Not really, Waldo. What's really bothering me is my husband is a screw-up. [Turns to camera] YOU WENT TO THE ZOO AGAIN TODAY, DIDN'T YOU STEVE!?
- Al: [Smiling to Steve] That souffle better be damn fluffy.
- Reporter: Exactly how did you apprehend the criminal?
- Marcy: Well, when the robber jammed his gun in my stomach, I did what I felt I had to do. I threw up on the floor. As he slipped on it, he knocked himself out, but the gun went off and shot me in the hand, horribly wounding me. But enough about me. [Turns back to camera.] HOW WAS YOUR DAY STEVE?!
- Newscaster: And to close, we have a story about a true moron. Tonight, an unemployed househusband and self-described man of nature, thinking that the last Caribbean Pigmy Sea Turtle born in captivity was unhappy, broke into the Zoo Aquarium, stole the turtle and released it into Lake Michigan. Apparently, this "man of nature" didn't know it was a salt-water turtle. Witnesses report Bosco tried valiantly to crawl back out of the water only to be thrown back in by this deranged, unemployed man, standing on the bank singing "Born Free". Bosco will be missed. Bail has been set at twenty-five thousand dollars. Not nearly enough in this reporter's opinion....
It's A Bundyful Life: Part 1 [4.11]
- Al: I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is 'I want this', 'Get me this', 'I have to have this'... and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. Ho, ho, ho, all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the bad guy.
- Peg: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
- Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?
- Peg: Four 'roids a-throbbing?
- Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?
- Bud: Two children starving?
- Peg: One un-touched wife.
- Al: (To some kids in the shoe store)
- 'Twas the night before Christmas,
- And all through the house,
- No food was a-stirrin',
- Not even a mouse.
- Stockings were hung round
- Dad's nick like a tie,
- Along with a note that said,
- "Presents or die."
- Children were plotting
- All night in their beds,
- While the wife's constant whining
- Was splitting his head.
- But daddy had money
- This year in the bank,
- Then they closed up early,
- And now dad's in a tank.
- All of a sudden,
- Santa appeared,
- A sneer on his face,
- Booze in his beard.
- "Santa," I said,
- As he laughed merrily,
- "You do so much for others,
- Do something for me."
- "Bundy," he said,
- "You only sell shoes,
- Your son is a sneak thief,
- Your daughter's a floose."
- "Ho ho," Santa said,
- "Should I mention your wife?
- Her hair's like an A-bomb,
- Her nails like a knife."
- He climbs up the chimney,
- That fat piece of dung,
- He mooned me two times,
- He stuck out his tongue.
- I heard him exclaim,
- As he broke wind with glee,
- "You're married with children,
- You'll never be free."
- Al: (To some kids) Who wants to hear about the red-haired Grinch that stole Uncle Al's life?
It's A Bundyful Life: Part 2 [4.12]
- Angel: I know you think you got it tough, your wife doesn't respect you, your kids think you're a failure, a good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases... Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids, I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "hit me". But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? Because she told me. Oh yeah. When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, my bookie... but when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I cancelled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh?
- Al: And you're here to help me, huh?
- Peg: I saved myself for marriage.
- Al: Oh come on!!! The football team retired her jersey!
- Angel: I'm gonna be a real angel!!! But first I'm gonna visit my ex-wife.
- Al: You really did love her, didn't you?
- Angel: No, I'm gonna put a package of ding-dongs just out of reach of her pork-pie fingers. Then as she oozes that 500 pounds over the table, lifts up 3 of her chins so she can put one of 'em in her mouth, I'm gonna turn them into me - a 20 year old rotting corpse! How do ya like that, Thelma?! Daddy's home for Christmas! You pig! You slut! Take a bite of this, Shamu! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
- Al: Bud, quick. What's more important - love or money?
- Bud: Money. I can always rent love.
- Al: Kelly, what's the color of an orange?
- Kelly: Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?
Who'll Stop The Rain [4.13]
- Peg: Al, just call a roofer.
- Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?
- Bud: Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.
- Kelly: Chew Dad's socks!
- Bud: Eat Mom's food!
A Taxing Problem [4.14]
Rock And Roll Girl [4.15]
You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 1 [4.16]
- Peg: I want a vacation.
- Al: You want to visit some place new, go into the kitchen.
- Marcy: God, I hate men!
- Al: I thought you were man's best friend. No, wait, that's dogs not chickens.
You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 2 [4.17]
- Yummy: I love a man who's on top of things.
- Al: And I love a woman with things on top.
- Marcy: Well, now I know everything will be ok. Because the man who sifts through my garbage for food is going to break the bank in Las Vegas.
What Goes Around Comes Around [4.18]
- Bud: Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?
- Al: Yes and you call that girl "mom" now.
- Al: Sure, before you marry them, all women like football. But as soon as you say, "I do"...they put on forty pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.
- Al: And you want to talk flying wedge? Let's talk about my mother-in-law. People over use the phrase, "as big as the earth" but kids...try to picture every one you've ever known under one mumu.
- Al: This is your brain (while holding an egg), this is your brain on marriage (throws the egg on the ground)
Peggy Turns 300 [4.19]
- Kelly: My birthday is in February, I'm an aquarium.
Peggy Made A Little Lamb [4.20]
- Al: (Paying bills) Oh man we're broke, cha cha cha
- Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha
- Living in the gutter, cha cha cha
- Early grave, cha cha cha
- Alright now, everybody - shoot me!
- Kelly: Today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went.
- Marcy: Oh well, losing your first job isn't so bad.
- Kelly: Me? They canned him like a tuna.
- Kelly: There's a strom coming to Chic-a-go
- Bud: Why don't they put some peanut butter on her gums, like they did with Mr. Ed?
The Agony Of Defeet [4.22]
- Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?
- Peg: Well, having the kids.
- Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?
- Peg: Having the kids.
Yard Sale [4.23]
- Al: We don't need all this stuff to be miserable, we got each other.
- Al: You see, yard sales are based on the "Bigger Idiot Theory". That there is nothing too stupid that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy it. The problem is that, eventually, you get to the head idiot and you call her "Mom".
- Al: A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits.
We'll Follow The Sun [5.1]
- Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.
- Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.
- Marcy: And after 20 minutes of Frigging on my boss’s desk in my slip, while the other tellers tossed quarters to me I am once again what I was: A dignified bank manager.
- Al: We take no map, we'll follow the sun. We'll stay in cheap motels and steal what we need along the way. We go west past the cheese factories where the air is fresh, the sky is big, and a man can still kill his dinner with his car. Guys, tomorrow we hit the pedal to the metal, and we ride with the wind!!!
- Peg: Al, we have not moved an inch in two hours.
- Al: Peg, I can hear that in our bedroom. Now just shut up and let me enjoy myself.
- Peg: I could hear that in our bedroom too, honey.
- Al: What got you up before noon, Peg?
- Peg: Oh, a foul evil wind. You were snoring through your nose, mouth and ears.
- Al: If you don't shut up, I'm gonna put the car in park, and just sit here. (Which is what there doing)
- Bud, Kelly and Peg: (Mockingly) OOOOOOOOOOH!!
- Peg: Hi, Al, did you miss me?
- Al: With every bullet so far.
Al...With Kelly [5.2]
- Al: God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store but it was wall to wall.
- Peg: So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.
- Al: Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.
Sue Casa, His Casa [5.3]
- Al: Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude". Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.
- Al: Peg. We don’t need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, you never get anything back. Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.
- Al: (On the phone) You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.
- Peg: Well, what'd he say, Al?
- Al: Nothing I haven't said myself.
- Al: Son let this be a lesson to you: never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.
The Unnatural [5.4]
- Al: (Three steps away from home plate) Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... (á la Lou Gehrig) Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. (Al takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate) M... V... P!
The Dance Show [5.5]
- Al: Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.
Kelly Bounces Back [5.6]
- Peg: I'm not cooking tonight, you know.
- Al: Oh oh. then I guess I just have to live on love.
- Peg: Not with me. I'm on strike.
- Al: Oh no. Then I guess I just have to live.
- Al: Hey Peg Still on strike?
- Peg: What does it look like?
- Al: You could be on fire and I wouldn't know.
- Kelly: If you excuse me. Someone stole an idea from me and cost me a modelling job so I'm going to handle this the only way we bundys know how. (Picks up a baseball bat) With swift and blinding violence.
- Marcy: Haven't you ever heard the phrase "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinager"?
- Kelly: Yes, but if you pull their wings off, they'll eat whatever you give them.
Married...With Aliens [5.7]
- Peg: Listen, Al. You suffered a head injury today. You're probably seriously hurt, and require immediate medical attention. Now go to sleep.
- Al: Peg!!! Three little green aliens came in here and... they stole my socks!!
- Peg: Were they green before or after they touched your socks?
- Al: Guys, just one more thing. You’re sure you don’t want the redhead for your intergalactic zoo?
Wabbit Season [5.8]
- Al: (complaining) First thing they teach you, when you’re a rookie shoe salesman is, when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up. Well, I looked up Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday"
- Peg: So what?
- Al: (Starts crying) Today’s Wednesday.
- Al: (Singing in the tune of Old McDonald had a Farm) Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y, And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y, With a no wife here, and no kids there, a hooker coming in on friday nights, big lushcious hooters and a pizza and a beer there, Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.
- Al: Marcy, you’ve given me a good idea. Bring your head over here by the hole. He'll (Refers to the rabbit) thinks it's a cabbage and we’ll have him.
- Peggy: We're all getting cranky Al. Did you get that rabbit yet?
- Al: Are you kidding me? I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole. I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it. Now if that rabbit is still alive, I'm yours tonight!
- (Rabbit pops it's head up out of the hole and then disappears again.)
- Peggy: You know, the sad part is, I don't really want him. But, a promise is a promise.
- Marcy: Hi. Anyone around here been spraying poison?
- Al: Why do you ask?
- Marcy: Well there I was out in my backyard, drying off my TV from the flooding, when a bald eagle flew down and drank from my bird feeder.
- Budd: Wow. We haven't seen one those around here in years.
- Marcy: Yes. They are very rare and beautiful, except when they are coughing and hacking their guts out on my lawn. You really should have seen it. It was quiet an excruciating death.
- Peggy: Oh, great going, Al. Why don't you throw one of your socks out the window and try for the last Dodo.
- Al: Well I'd like to think I'm the last Dodo. But more importantly, I'm going to have some vegetables cuz there is no way that rabbit could have survived that death cloud, I let loose on the neighborhood.
- (Everyone looks to see the rabbit run past the sliding glass door)
- Al: It lives. Alright fine. I never wanted a garden. I hate vegetables. But I need that garden to relieve my stress, damn it! And I will have that garden, even if I have to kill every living thing in this entire planet. This is war.
- Al: Oh, Mr. Wabbit. Come and get a nice tasty cawwot.
- (Al does 2 shots with his shotgun)
- Bud: Well, At least he didn't shoot himself in the foot.
- Peg: Hmm. Give him a minute.
- (Al shoots his foot)
- Al: Ow! Oh, my foot! Oh, my foot!
- (Al starts hopping with his smoking foot)
- Peg: What's he doing now?"
- (Bud looks through the sliding glass door to the back yard.)
- Bud: Well he's got the flamethrower. He aims it at the hole, fires, ...and misses.
- Peg: Garden on fire?
- Bud: Yup. And so is Mrs. Rhode's fence. Wow look at her big tree go!
- (The family looks on as Al is slipping a stick of dynamite into a carrot looking sleeve.)
- Bud: So this is how it ends, uh mom?
- Peg: As long as it ends.
- Al: The fuse is lit, and we'll be hit by bunny bits any second now.
- (Al begins to put his finger in both ears.)
- Bud: Dad. Before your fingers hit pay dirt, are you sure you didn't use too much dynamite?
- Al: Son. If dynamite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me? Don't worry. Nothing can go wrong. I took every precaution.
- Budd: Including making sure it was nowhere near a gas line?
- (Al's face drops. Then he takes Peg's hardhat and puts it on.)
- Al: Hit the deck.
- Marcy: That was a nice explosion wasn't it? On the bright side, the fire did dry out my living room. But the sun would have done it anyway, since I no longer have a roof.
- Peg: (final line of the episode, said over iris-out) That's Al, folks!
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy [5.9]
- Peg: (to Al) Are you enjoying your day off?
- Al: Peg, you know I am. Now, how are you gonna ruin it for me? Sex? Chores? What?
- Peg: Where are you going?
- Al: Where do you think I'm going?
- Peg: To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?
- Kelly: Why do we have to fix the doorbell?
- Bud: Well, Kelly, that’s why grown-ups have kids. They have me to fix things and you to say "What’s that?" every time you see an airplane.
- Peg: (Pulls Al’s ear) You are too tired to fix the doorbell and yet you can move the couch?
- Al: Yeah. (To Brenda) Let's hurry up and get that couch inside before Peg wants to sit on it.
One Down, Two To Go [5.10]
- Al: Peg, I suspect your mind much like the lost continent of Atlantis no longer appears on any map.
- Peg: Al, our Baby’s gone. Hold me.
- Al: I didn’t hold you, when we conceived her. Why should I start now?
- Peggy: Bud, was I a good mother?
- Bud: Well, you must have been. I was the only 8-month-old baby who knew how to change his own diaper.
- Marcy: Al, I’d like you to meet my new boyfriend, Sam. Al, tell Sam, what you do for a living.
- Al: I … I sell shoes.
- Marcy: (her hand stops, Sam gives her money) And how long have you been doing this?
- Al: Twenty years.
- Marcy: (gets more money from Sam) And finally, exactly how old are the socks you’re wearing on your feet?
- Al: (smirks) Not quite as old as the hair on your legs (he takes all the money).
And Baby Makes Money [5.11]
- Al: We don’t believe in love.
- Peg: That’s why our marriage works.
- Peg: And then of course there’s that ten months of pregnancy.
- Marcy: Ten?
- Peg: Male Bundys never wanna come out. Oh, and then once they’re out, they never wanna go back in again.
- Marcy: How disgusting that a man should need outside stimulation. It’s so insulting to a woman. (Pauses) Who do you think of, when you’re with Al?
- Peg: James Bond … all of them.
- Al: (Teases Peg) As I recall pregnancy was the happiest time of your life. (Pauses) Well, that and the three years it took you to lose the weight.
Married...With Who [5.12]
- Peg: (Reads test-questions from some magazine, to Al) Who would you rather spend the night with? A, your wife, or B…
- Al: (Interrupts his wife) B!
- Al: (To Kelly and Bud) Well, see kids. It was a dream. You were replaced by two six-packs in the refrigerator.
- Kelly: Well, weren’t we cold?
- Bud: (To Kelly) I was. You were empty.
- Marcy: (Distressed) All I know is I woke up this morning with a man in my bed. I don’t even know who he is.
- Al: Well, that’s easy, he slept with you, he’s the stupidest man on earth.
- Jefferson: I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife? (Notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy, a bored Kelly and decides for Kelly) Come on sweetheart, let’s go back to bed.
- (Takes Kelly on her hand)
- Kelly: Bye, Daddy.
- Peg: No, no, no, no. You’ve made a mistake, I’m your wife. (Releases Kelly and takes Jefferson’s hand) Now we can go back to bed.
- Marcy: Oh shut up. It’s me, it’s me.
- Peg: Al, we’re talking about sex. Leave it to those who do it.
- Al: (Gives advice to Jefferson) Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep. Run, like Mexican water through a first-time tourist. But the key word here is "Run".
- Jefferson: (Refers to Marcy) But don't you think she's cute Al?
- Al: (Repeats) Run.
The Godfather [5.13]
- (Al enters the house carrying a steering wheel)
- Peg: Hi, honey. Why did you bring the steering wheel in the house?
- Al: Well I thought since it isn't attached anymore, maybe you'd like to cook it up for dinner?
- Al: (In a Marlon Brando voice) One day I will ask of a favor. Now this day may never come... (Normal voice) ...but we both know it probably will!
Look Who's Barking [5.14]
- Buck: If I had a gun and a thumb, you'd be dead.
- Hans: Cherry cheesecake for herr Bundy
- Kelly: Well I'm a Bundy and I have hair... ok.
- Hans: I wanted to meet the man who loved my cheesecake so much...
- Kelly: Bye! (Slams the door in his face)
A Man's Castle [5.15]
- Al: Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to... well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do but we're here damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet system in the free world. Are we to use the gas station bathroom like some, some common of rooskie? We're being driven from our homes, room from room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun. And from whom? From our women. They’ve taken our closets, driven us out our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy. Tonight, I’m reclaiming my toilet bowl.
All Night Security Dude [5.16]
Oldies But Young 'Uns [5.17]
- Al: I have the perfect plan to figure this whole thing out, now what we'll do is we'll just sit here and we'll name every song that was ever made until we get it.
- Radio DJ: You know, alot of people think the name of that song is "Go With Him"... but it's not!
- Al: What is it? What is it?!
- Radio DJ: Now here's our fifth song of 5,000 in a row! That's right, we're going for the record: Two full years of uninterrupted music.
- Al: Mad, am I? I'm not doing anything any rational man wouldn't do. Now you get that oldies station back on or the walls will be your tomb! All of you!
Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers [5.18]
- Al: Great, she's an idiot and the smart one's mad at us.
- Bud: You can't win. You're ineligible since your microbrained daughter is now a Weenie Tot employee. We're gonna be poor for the rest of our lives! Bite on that weenie!
- Peg: Well at least it's over.
- Al: Oh it's not over.
- (Al opens the door, revealing the police)
- Al: Now, it's over!
Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do? [5.19]
- Bud: I’ll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we’ll split 30-70.
- Kelly: Wait a second, wait a second. I’m doing all the work, right? So it’s 30 for me.
- Marcy: When you came over to borrow the salt and we said “Take whatever you want” you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.
- Al: I didn’t steal your bra.
- Crystal: The closer I get to the Ice, the closer you get to the heat.
- Bud: I got her front row. I got her backstage. I got her.
Top Of The Heap [5.20]
- Al: I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.
- Vinnie: Don't worry, Pop. There are plenty of opportunities out there for a smart guy like me.
- Charlie: Oh, definitely, definitely. You think you're smart? Name any one of the Great Lakes.
- Vinnie: Lake Fulbert. Remember? That lake up in Wisconsin where we went on summers and where you taught me how to swim. That was a great lake.
- Vinnie: Mona, why don't you come back a little later.
- Mona: Really? When?
- Vinnie: When you're no longer a felony.
You Better Shop Around: Part 1 [5.21]
- Al: What do you think the poor people are doing right now?
- Kelly: Nice shooting, Mom.
- Peg: Not really, I was aiming for Daddy.
- Al: I have a strange yearning for some melons. (Al sees Marcy) and a plucked chicken.
You Better Shop Around: Part 2 [5.22]
- Marcy:: Excuse me, what is this contraption? (Referring to Al's Shopping Cart)
- Al:: That's Peg, you know her.
- Jefferson: Drop dead!
- Peg: Lick feet!
- Marcy: Eat dirt!
- Al: Grow hair!
- Kelly: Who is this blubbering mess?
- Bud: I don't know, I think he used to be Opie.
- Jerry Mathers: Opie was Ron Howard, you fool. I was, no, I am the Beaver!
- Kid: Can I have your autograph, Opie?
- Jerry Mathers: Okay, it's Jerry and it'll be two bucks.
- Bud: Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Throughly Pathetic Tour '91"?
- Jerry Mathers: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
- (Shamed, Bud and Kelly slink off)
- Jerry Mathers: Golly, that felt good.
- Al: I'm blind! And I smell like summer rain!
Route 666: Part 1 [5.23]
- (Peg, Kelly and Bud, in search for Al’s money)
- Peg: I’ll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.
- Kelly: Appropriate for you, Bud.
- Peg: And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.
- Bud: Appropriate for you, Kel.
- Peg: Oh, Al, the rubes think I’m sexy.
- Al: Yeah, I would too, Peg, if I drank whiskey for breakfast.
Route 666: Part 2 [5.24]
Buck The Stud [5.25]
- (They come up from the dark cellar)
- Peg: Oh, Al, take me again.
- Al: I didn’t even know I was taking you then. I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me.
She's Having My Baby: Part 1 [6.1]
- Peg: Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.
- Al: Well congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.
- Marcy: That's right Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.
- Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?
- Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.
- Al: So, we're having a new baby. The gods are on a roll, aren't they? Must've been playing another round of 'Can you top this?' One started off, 'We'll make him a shoe salesman.' Then another said, 'We'll give him a red-head.' Then another one, probably a cruel, hungover god, said, 'But let's have him be a mighty athlete in high school first so his fall will be all the greater.'
- Kelly: But the gods showed you they loved you when they gave you us.
- Al: Yeah, give those gods a Miller. Will someone please tell me, how did this happen?
She's Having My Baby: Part 2 [6.2]
- Kelly: Mom! Bud's got more fingers then I do.
- Peg: Did you count both hands, honey?
- Kelly: Oh.
- Bartender: So, where you headed, pal?
- Al: Oh, I don't know, some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.
- Bartender: Oh, L.A.!
If Al Had A Hammer [6.3]
- Al: That's what's wrong with this country, Peg; everytime something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy, there was a fixin' man.
- Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook?
- Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!
- Peg: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.
- Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.
- Al: Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.
- Jefferson: Having sex with a pregnant woman is like putting gas in a car you just wrecked.
- Al: Well luckily Peg pulls into self service.
- Bud: My story is that I'm a bad boy rapper from the streets of New York and I am hiding out in Chicago because I killed a man or spray painted a sign or something.
- Peg: Isn't that the plot of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air?
- Bud: Yes, but that's an NBC show, so who would know.
- (Al objects to the idea that the baby will sleep at the foot of their bed)
- Al: I would like the record to show that I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah. I would rather engage in a frolicking threesome with Roseanne and her cool husband. I would rather play Naked Twister with every one of the Golden Girls, than have that little screaming doodie geyser at the foot of my bed. I've said my piece, thank you.
- Peg: You're not really thinking about moving out?
- Al: Thinking about?! I've done it! Begone jackals!
Cheese, Cues And Blood [6.4]
Looking For A Desk In All The Wrong Places [6.5]
- Al: Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.
- Al: You know what I would do if I was President? I'd take a big empty state, that nobody's using, y'know, like Idaho, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Boise. And since Idaho means nothing anyhow, I'd change the name to Preg-naho.
- Peg: You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman.
- Ms. Garcia: Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded.
- Peg: Our countries are very much alike.
Buck Has A Belly Ache [6.6]
If I Could See Me Now [6.7]
- Al: I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that tv
- Jefferson: That's Fidel Castro...
God's Shoes [6.8]
- Al: How long was I in there?
- Bud: Forty-five minutes.
- Al: Forty-five minutes! Why didn't you come and get me?
- Bud: Dad, you're always in there forty-five minutes. You did forty-five minutes in the neighbor's bushes once.
- Al: Their roses won prizes that year, you know.
Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 1 [6.9]
Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 2 [6.10]
Al Bundy, Shoe Dick [6.11]
- Al: (narrating) So I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head and a bad burrito in your belly.
- Al: Don't shoot me! I'm a shoe salesman.
- Al: (To a beautiful woman) My name is Al Bundy. I'm Jack Dallas' new partner. Sit down show me your tail. I mean. Tell me your tale.
- Al: I be a great private eye. Yep. Al Bundy. Trouble is my business. I carry a mop. I clean a detective's bathroom. Oh God! (Starts sobbing)
- Al: Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is you mother...
- Bud: Repulsed by you?
- Kelly: Disappointed financially and sexually by you?
- Al: No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?
- Kelly: Do you think he's crazy?
- Bud: He must be. He didn't ask about you.
- Al: (narrating) As I watched her leave, I can see where they put the Bumpshebumpshabump.
So This Is How Sinatra Felt [6.12]
- Leona: I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.
- Al: Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
- Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
- Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Daaz?
- Bud: The only thing Dad is cheating on is death.
I Who Have Nothing [6.13]
The Mystery Of Skull Island [6.14]
- Peg: (Reading "Sexual Intimacy" card) "If your lover was suddenly unable to perform..." (Al lowers head) "and was a shoe salesman, and named 'Al'..."
- Al: Give me that. There's no way it could possibly say that. Oh, my God, it does!
- Peg: "And an old lover came to town..." They must mean Jim. "would you have a sleazy affair with him?" (brief pause) Yeah.
- Bud: I'm really gonna take the advice of someone's who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.
- Kelly: Yeah like you know who he is before his ears flop out.
- Al: "I Care", by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitcher's on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays. I swear!
Just Shoe It [6.15]
Rites Of Passage [6.16]
- Al: Where the music stinks and they water the drinks - the nudie bar. Where the girlies dance in their underpants - the nudie bar. Where you see their butt, but their trap stays shut - the nudie bar.
- Bud: Yo Roxanne, Grandmaster B here. That's with a big G a big B, and a real big... well.
The Egg And I [6.17]
- Al: Hey Steve, too bad Alfalfa is dead or else he could play you in the movie of your life.
- Steve: You couldn't tell me that she was married?
- Peg: We don't like to use the "M word" in front of the kids
My Dinner With Anthrax [6.18]
- Bud: Dad...
- Al: Go away.
- Bud: This isn't about money.
- Al: Go away anyway.
- Bud: Dad, will you stop and listen to me.
- Al: All right, what?
- Bud: Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday on the 30th. Can we? Please?
- Al: Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.
- Charlie Benante: It came out of the fridge... why is it hot?
Psychic Avengers [6.19]
- Al: Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?
- Jefferson: Why? You're paying off the house?
- Kelly: Maybe we're worrying about nothing, I mean, maybe he'll come home in a good mood.
- (Al enters)
- Al: Why doesn't the world die?
High I.Q. [6.20]
Teacher Pets [6.21]
The Goodbye Girl [6.22]
- Kelly: Why doesn't the world explode into a fiery pus-filled death?
- Kelly: A fat woman comes to the gate today. Her mumu covering what must have been three or four heinies. Now she could've left through either an itty bitty turnstyle or a huge gate. Guess which one she picks. A line was forming. So I went and got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hotwired the Enterprise, and sent it up where no man has ever gone before. She went flying like vegetable out of Dad's mouth and landed right in "The Facts of Life" fan pavilion. Thank God it's always empty.
- Al: Bud, you know that I'm just sitting here on the couch and I know that I'm just sitting here on the couch, but you see, the rest of the days of the year, I'm selling shoes. Ladies' shoes. Fat ladies. Very, very, fat ladies. And what does fat do best? Fat sweats. So after selling fat sweat all year, one needs a little vacation. Besides if I didn't think that I was having a good time, I might just run amok and destroy everything and everyone I see.
- Bud: We'll discuss it when you get back.
- Al: Mais Qui
The Gas Station Show [6.23]
England Show: Part 1 [6.24]
- Captain: This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I’m choking to death.
- Peg: AL!
- Al: Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?
- Al: I’d like to talk to you today about women. I don't like 'em. I mean, you folks are English but even you can't like women. I mean, you're sitting home, watching sports and that's the exact time that they pick to plant their ever widening, what you call bums next to you, and ask “Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago. Did you think that waitress was pretty?' then you tell them to shut up, and they get mad. Now, I’m not proposing a solution, ‘cause I gotta go soon, I see my wife looking, but I’d just like to say “I don’t like ‘em.” Now could I get a 'Whoa, women. I DON’T LIKE ‘EM?'
- Crowd: Whoa, women. I DON’T LIKE ‘EM
- Al: Oh, by the way, am I alone in hating the French.
- Crowd: No!
- Al: I though not.
- Poxilda: Lower Uncton shall always be in darkness, though other towns nearby stand in sun.
- Seamus McBundy: Will you be floating above us, blocking the sun?
- Poxilda: Shamus McBundy, are ye done with me horse?
- Shamus McBundy: Ah, no, ma'am. I had to send out for extra parts, to reinforce its feet. Yeah, that and a sign to go around his neck saying, "I'm with Fatso."
- Poxilda: You save your tongue for picking the flies off the pools that dance beneath your arms! Go to, I'm in an 'urry.
- Shamus McBundy: Oh? Is it the Festival of Pork Pies and Pigs' Waller you're late for? While you're waiting I got a plump pony out back you can snack on.
- Poxilda: You be warned! I am a great and powerful witch!
- Shamus McBundy: Ah, not as powerful as yon mighty seams in yon dress, to keep yon belly off yon floor!
England Show: Part 2 [6.25]
- Villager: Bad news: we can't hang 'em until tomorrow.
- Winston: Why not?
- Villager: The scaffolding's not here. We had to sell some of the wood to buy nooses.
- Winston: Oh, yes? And what do you plan to hang the nooses from?
- Villager: Well, we've thought of that. We're gonna have two of our taller fellows hold them.
- Winston: I don't want to hear any more. Right, we're just going to have to stab them!
- Villager: But the village children were so looking forward to a hanging.
- Winston: Oh, yes. Oh, the children.
- Peg: You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!
- Al: Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it, what am I, baby?
- Peg: You're the king, baby.
- Al: Make me believe it.
- Peg: Who's gonna make me believe it?
- Hanged Bundy Ghost: Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.
- Impaled Bundy Ghost: Beware!
- Headless Bundy Ghost: You will die in the morning!
- Disemboweled Bundy Ghost: Run! Run while you still can!
- 5th Bundy Ghost: Wanna buy some shoes?
England Show: Part 3 [6.26]
- Kelly: Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "Good job, Kelly, thank you."
- Al: Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then un-hitched the horse!
- Winston: Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.
- Trevor: No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.
- Winston: That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous! Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we were eating sometimes, wasn't it?
Magnificent Seven [7.1]
- Al: I'm tracking down Seven's real parents. Nobody sticks Al Bundy with unwanted kids except his wife.
- Al: Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that - with love - from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.
Frat Chance [7.6]
- Kelly: Did something die in here?
- Bud: That would be me. It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe. I call it a touch of Bud.
- Kelly: Yeah, well if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was it could only be you.
- Bud: And nobody does it better.
- (Al drives into the garage where Bud and his frat friends are holding hands with their pants down)
- Bud: Hi Dad, we're having sort of a secret ceremony here.
- Al: Not secret enough son.
- Al: Why do we have to go out Peg? Isn't it enough I know I'm married to you. Do we have to tell the whole world?
Unlawful Entry [7.20]
- Peg: You know what would really help me go to sleep?
- Al: Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.
Requiem for a Chevyweight [11.4]
- Jefferson:Look Al, god forbid, she doesn't make it, the important thing is you get right back on the horse.
- Al: Well thanks Jefferson, but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?
A Bundy Thanksgiving [11.6]
- Al: You know Peg, I hate to be a needy husband, a demanding husband, and your husband, but where the hell is my pie tin?
- Al finds his pie tin
- Al: Hey, I found it.
- Marcy: Good, now you can put that metal plate back in your head. Although, that's alot like putting a lid on an empty jar.
- Al: Or a bra on you.
- Al: [to Peggy] Do I see the redheaded monster of jealousy?
- Kelly: [looking disgusted] Some guy on the bus asked me if I wanted to "rub his 'magic lamp' and see a genie come out" ... there was no genie.