The Russell Brand Show
- Russell: (About the tallest and smallest man in the world) They're both born in the same place? That's a bit bonkers, innit? Both of these men...
Matt: In Tsjernobyl.
- How old is he? Eleven or something? (About the World Conker Champion)
- Russell thinks there's a place on the inside of the earth called Monkeyworld.
- Russell: Matt, I want you to tell that lovely story about when you used to visit farms as a child.
Matt: I went once. I rode a shire horse, with bells on my toes.
- Russell: (Talking to someone about LA babies) Why would you ever make a baby sexy? How is that ever justified?
Matt: Maybe you two are projecting...
- Pat Sharp! When he had his hair cut, everyone was just... I mean the nation wept.
- Do they teach you how to read in drama school?
- You should be grateful they put you in the advert.
- Nibsy walks between the raindrops. He'll be anywhere.
- Well let's look forward to Russell's 'Oh-I'm-talking-to-someone-intelligent-voice'.
- (Mimicking Russell's victorian accent) Hello, I'm from Victorian times, give me a movie or I'll cry.
- Why is Dolly Parton just giving up on...like talking to her man and going 'Excuse me, why are you talking 'bout Jolene in your sleep.'
- Zippy's girlfriend was a pig.
- Run on [the Live Earth] stage. Revolution!
- A crocodile doesn't even have an ass.
- Where's Peter Tatchell? He used to be on the tele all the time. He just doesn't care anymore.
- Russell: You're using horse shampoo!
Matt: It's called 'Mane and Tail'. Available in America.
- Matt: Stop saying I drink Strongbow all the time! What? Do you want Strongbow to sponsor my heavy metal show or something?
Russell: Other ciders are available.
Matt: But not really though... The Matt Morgan Strongbow show!
- He's gonna be prime minister, that's not the way to get an interview. (Mimicking Brown's assistant) Hey Gordon we got 2000 emails from Russell Brand fans. (Mimicking Brown) Oh blimey, better do an interview.
- So, about this paedophilia...
- No wonder George Michael sleeps in his car.
(After drunken flirting from Kenny Goss.)
- He'll be left with a lolly stick with a face drawn on it.
(On agent Richard Hillgrove losing Duncan Bannatyne as a client.)
- Russell 'Goldie Locks' Brand.
- Online, on digital and on the edge of a tantrum any minute.
- It's not oral sex you're trying to get the dogs to do.
- Do I sound drunk? No, I sound focused.
- If I was drunk, would I be able to say this, supercalifragilistic expialidocious?
- They're always smiling 'cause their face looks like that. 'I'm caught in a tuna net, but I'm still smiling.'
- You should always have a mate called Scampi.
- Trevor, no-one else reads the bible, come on.
- Bubbles is a shadow of a monkey.
- I went home thinking: 'Hah! I undermined this whole day being really cool and I had a banana in my hood. And everybody knew about it.'
- Rip his visa up, throw it in the sea, put him in Guantanamo!
- It's the only way I can get off actually, I put a hairdryer down my trousers.
- Christian Dior? You don't deserve it.
- And if you look closely at Jesus, it's Russell.
- She's like a letter C.
(On 'Vagina Lady' singing into her own vagina.)
- Zippy's obviously matured...
- I was channeling Zippy.
- (To Russell)I put up with so much from you. (Imitating Russell) "Oh I'm depressed, I was dreaming about my nan, but we were in a spaceship." All this stuff he comes out with and I have to tolerate. "Hey that's alright, it's just 'cause you're far away from home. You're a comic genius."
- I don't like it when something's called the name of another product.
(On Bounty kitchen towel)
- I reckon I know you quite well. Were you, even though you got a big huge bag of presents, slightly jealous that the cat got one. And when everyone watched the cat open it you went "Lalala look at this dance I just made up"
- I just rock back and forth in my bedroom, watching your DVD, pausing it. I watch it in slow motion. 'Look at his hair on his face. There it is!'
(On missing Russell while he is in LA.)
- Russell: Now that I'm a little bit famous in America, I can flirt with people in authority.
Matt: (Laughs) This ends with you being deported, so...
- Russell: They originally wanted that character to be an English author, but when I went to the audition, my acting was so...
Matt: They went, look at him, he couldn't write a book and he went: 'Well actually I can, it's called My Booky Wook.'
- I've got a pain in my spam.
- I don't know if it's a migraine or some sort of episode.
- Matt: I made breadcurry.
Russell: Don't try to make it sound like a dish. It's not a dish.
Matt: Yeah, but if it had worked out, then I would have invented a new food. It didn't work out. It was disgusting!
- Give the royalties to the victims!
(About Russell's Beatles cover 'When I'm 64')
- Russell: What's G's real name? Are we allowed to reveal that?
- Don't talk about my complexes with food leaving my body, 'cause I've got some information about you. Russell's mum told me when Russell was a little boy to encourage him to go to the toilet, when he'd been to the toilet successfully, without a tantrum, he got a farm animal.
- She had milkbottle length boobs at school?
- Russell: (reading a quote from a teacher who got sued for hitting a pupil who mocked him for looking like Barry Chuckle) I'm obviously pleased that this is over, as I'm walking out the door with my clean character...
Matt: ...My ladder and my brother.
- Matt: You did do a wee in a bottle. It was disgusting.
Russell: Well, the reason I did that, Matt, is because I didn't want to upset or worry you.
Matt: It was a pathetic amount though.
Russell: What do you mean? It's nice, half a bottle!
Matt: It was a tiny bottle. It was like a test-tube.
- Mr Sissons, is there less news on a Monday, because the week hasn't all gone by?
- The headline is you're an hour late and the whole team secretly detests you.
- Russell: (about Guy Pearce) I call him Guy P.
Matt:You call him Mike from Neighbours!
- Russell: What went on in that bathroom was worthy of Jesus.
Matt:That's a first in that bathroom.
- Russell: What was the joke you made?
Matt: The blind leading the blind.
Russell: Out of order!
Matt: No I said it because I thought you were gonna say it when they walked of.
Matt: Two blind guys, I went, come on say it...The blind leading the blind.
Russell: I wasn't gonna say it though.
Matt: You did! You went: Haha! That's the best joke ever! Go and kick 'em!
- Russell: I do sometimes sense divine power and connection. What is that?
- Why don't they both allow each other one cheating thing and then see if they want to get back together... (sarcastic) That will never cause problems!
- Matt: What's wrong with my mike? There's something wrong with my mike.
- Russell: Do your Cultural Review, get on with it!
- Matt: Oh, that's it. You're talking over me.
- Spring Break!
- (Smells Russell's armpits) Ugh! The smell of a mixture of his BO with women's deodorant! The sexiest things on earth...
On The Road
- Get some flowers in mate!