Mean Machine

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Mean Machine is a 2001 film. The film is an adaptation of the 1974 American movie The Longest Yard, featuring football (soccer) rather than American football.Vinnie Jones starred as Danny Meehan who had it all - captain of the England soccer team, fast cars, money and fame; until he was banned from the team following accusations of match fixing an England v. Germany match and jailed for three-years for drunken assault on a police officer.

Directed by Barry Skolnick.
Not Your Usual Suspects.Taglines

Danny Meehan

  • [When asked to be breathalised by the cops] No need, officer. I'm absolutely drunk.
  • I'm in here for drunken assault.
  • I just wanna keep my head down, do my twelve months and I'm going home.
  • What goes on the pitch, stays on the pitch.
  • You're becoming a sentimental old fart.
  • It's funny, but when you're in that football world, you just don't realise what it means to people. You only find out how disappointed they are, when you let them down. I was 16 when I signed pro forms. Thought I was the business. Didn't take long for standards to start slipping. Cars, booze, bad tips for slow horses... You think you can handle it, then bang, very soon it's handling you. Before I was picking up trophies, I was 425 grand down to men nasty enough... well, even they would have put the wind up Mr Sykes. But they did give me two choices - a wheelchair for life, or a deliberate penalty against the Germans. It's not as if I've prospered. Look where I've ended up.
  • Stick that in your trophy cabinet.


  • Most of the guys in here have nothing. Never had to start with. But you, you had everything they ever dreamed of. And you threw it all away.
  • Some of the boys have a crap in the night, wrap it and airmail it out the window.
  • Only does your nut in if you don't think you should be here. Look at me, sweet old man? A bit bumbly, full of jail-block wisdom, cornerstone of the jail, put in with the foundations, right? Right. I didn't get to be the oldest con for breaking windows. Villains spend their lives shitting themselves that other criminals are going to see to them. So they get their retaliation first as twice as nasty. A bloke was coming after me, so I, um, I went around to his digs and lobbed grenade in the window. Left over after the war, you know, army surplus. I didn't know, but he had his little baby and his little girl in there with him. The house went up like a firecracker. No one came out. He'd barricaded the door with furniture in case I came around. By the time they got in, the screaming stopped. Thirteen months old, learning to walk apparently. Nothing I can do is ever going to make up for that, is it?
  • Yeah, three across, four letters: acid. The governor lets Sykes get his "Racing Times" and other papers special delivery. He thinks it helps Sykes work out form and give him tips. He doesn't know that they're pre-soaked in acid.

Mr Burton

  • It's called sunlight, Meehan. Think of it as a privilege which can be withdrawn.


  • It's ironic
  • Mr Ratchett, Sir. Whilst I don't wish to be rude, I do believe that you watched too many Tarzan films as an impressionable child.


[Watching The Monk practise Karate]
Doc: Apparently he killed 23 men with his bare hands.
Danny Meehan: Maybe I should take up Karate.
Doc: That was before he took up Karate.

Doc: Where's your manners Danny what would your old mum say?
Danny Meehan: [smiles] Fuck me.
Doc: Wish I'd met her.

Trojan: All right, Raj. You be black.[in a game of chess]
Raj: No, I'll be white.
Trojan: Just chill. You got a black nose.
Raj: You saying I'm black? That makes me the first Iranian from Babylon.

Massive:[Introducting himself] Massive is your man!
Danny Meehan: Massive?
Massive: It's ironic!

Sykes: Well get it sorted, 'cause this lad has a bad habit of turning cash flow problems into blood flow problems.

Sykes:[To Meehan] So my arse is on the line. And by my arse, I mean your arse.

[Prison guard to Secretary]:Hayter: I wouldn't get too close, Miss.
[Secretary to Danny]
Tracey: Why? You're not dangerous. Are you, Mr footballer?
[Meehan to Secretary]
Danny Meehan: Only if you've got the ball, Miss.

Danny Meehan: I'll tell you something. I didn't start off out as a youngster looking to sell my country out.
Massive: None of us planned to be here, mate.
Chiv: But you're forgetting something. You were a hero in Scotland.

Danny Meehan: Oh right lads, you wanna be nothing, prisoners... numbers... that's fine. But you win out there today and you'll have something to remember forever, talk about it over and over, because up and down the country there are cons that are pig sick of not being here in your shoes... just to have one crack at those bastards next door!
Danny Meehan: Run your guts out, and you'll have somethin' in 'ere. :[points towards heart]
Danny Meehan: They can never touch, no parole boards, judges or nutcase governors... NOW... ask yourselves one question... ARE YOU READY?
[team replies light-heartedly]
Danny Meehan: ...YEAH, ARE WE?
[team replies whole heartedly]
Danny Meehan:...YEAH! THEN, COME ON!

Bob Likely: Absafuckinglutely, Bob!

[Referring to a clipboard Massive is holding]
Danny Meehan: What's that?
Massive: I'm your manager.
Danny Meehan: Since when?
Trojan: Look, don't bother giving me no orders, yeah?
Massive: Look, stop bitching, bitch.

Mr Ratchett: Got you an apprentice. He used to be a sweeper.
Doc: Comedian.

Governor: What do you think of amateur football?
Danny Meehan: It's amateur.

Billy the Limpet: I loved your work, man.
Danny Meehan: Sorry?
Billy the Limpet: I never believed any of the talk. I can't believe it. Here you are. :[takes off his sweater and shows his England jersey with "Meehan" at the back]
Danny Meehan: Cheers.[keeps his distance]
Billy the Limpet: Then you can teach me. Will you teach me, yeah?
Danny Meehan: Teach you what? :[obviously distracted]
Billy the Limpet: All that you know, all them soccer skills. All that. :[shows off his bad football moves]
Danny Meehan: Sorry, mate. Do what?
Billy the Limpet: You know, like the pro's, all that caper. Yeah?
Danny Meehan: I gotta go, but we'll stick a pin in it, all right?[walks away]
Billy the Limpet: Yeah, lovely. We'll stick a pin in it. Lovely.
Doc: Fan club.
Danny Meehan: Bloody stalker.

Mr Burton: Looking forward to a thrashing?
Danny Meehan: If it means getting out of here early, I'll take another beating from you or anyone.
Mr Burton: Who said anything about beating? I'm talking about the match.
Danny Meehan: Come on! I've seen your lot in action.

Nitro: Hello Danny boy.
Danny Meehan: Nitro.
Nitro: I've been wondering, you need a manager. You know..the tactics and all that. Well, I am the business.
Danny Meehan: Massive's manager.
Nitro: Yeah, I know, but I'm better than him because I had trials, didn't I.
Massive: We all had trials,mate. That's why we're here.

Sykes: What money?
Danny Meehan: You're a betting man. We'll make a deal. Let your lads play. Win or lose, you call the result. Bet accordingly.
Sykes: Back to your fixing the match routine, right? Now listen, it's like this - I'd never take a bet against England, and I wouldn't bet the screws against the cons. Capisce?
Danny Meehan: Then we can play to win. Would you think about it?
Sykes: Yes, I'll think about it. But right now, I'm thinking you're polluting my air. Now go away.

Danny Meehan: Okay, positions. I play centre midfield. Let's have all midfield players behind me, defenders to me left, strikers to me right. Come on, lads, come on.
[All go to his right]
Danny Meehan:[pause] Terrific, let's move on.

Danny Meehan: OK fellas, now, the key to set pieces is concentration, calculation, teamwork. With corners it's about movement, drawing defenders out of position. When it comes to defending,it's about tackling, finesse, calculation. Remember these simple rules, and we're in with a chance. Any questions?
[All look worn-out]
Doc: Lovely story.
Danny Meehan: Yeah

Danny Meehan: Hello Mr Monk. Can you play football?
Monk: Aye.
Danny Meehan: Good. Would you like to play with us?
Monk: Nah.
Danny Meehan: We're playing the guards.
Monk:[pause]Aye, then I'm with you.
Chiv: Sound.

Bob Likely: Good afternoon, I'm Bob Likely. You join us live from the recreation field.
Bob Carter: I'm Bob Carter, and thanks again to our esteemed governor...
[Both muffle the microphones with their hands]
Both:[Whispering] Wanker
Bob Carter: ...for providing the splendid facilities that are here today as part of his rehabilitation campaign.

[Danny Meehan is about to take a free kick in front of a wall - the ball is kicked straight to Mr Ratchett's private part]
Bob Likely: Ooh! Right in his carrots and onions!
Bob Carter: No nookie for Mr Ratchett.
Bob Likely: No nookie for Mrs Ratchett neither.

[After learning Mr Ratchett has been kicked twice in the same area]
Bob Carter: Just goes to show lightning can strike twice.
Bob Likely: Abso-fucking-lutely, Bob.

Bob Carter: And once again, Monk's played it to Trojan, who's again switched to the left.
Bob Likely: He must be ambidextrous, Bob.
Bob Carter: I don't know about that, Bob. But he certainly can use both feet.


  • Not your usual suspects.
  • 2568 prisoners locked up 23 hours a day, 7 days a week. The only escape 45 minutes each way.


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