Let the first impulse pass, wait for the second.Baltasar Gracian
- [to Rudy] You must be the short depressed kid we ordered. Glad you made it.
- [on loudspeaker] Attention. Here's an update on tonight's dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The winner of tonight's mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed "some kind of beef." Congradulations, Jeffery. You've just won a brand new Chrylser Cordoba and you can pick it up at Morty's office.
- The C.I.T.s: [singing] We are the C.I.T.s so pity us.
The kids are brats; the food is hideous.
We're gonna smoke and drink and fool around.
We are the North Star C.I.T.s!
- Interviewer: These children are going to the most glamorous of all summer camps: Camp Mohawk. There's a two year waiting list and every child has to be voted in. On top of that it costs $1,000 a week to to go to Camp Mohawk. The question is, is it worth a $1,000 a week.
- Tripper: It sure is. It's the best darn camp there is.
- Interviewer: Well, are you connected with Camp Mohawk?
- Tripper: Well, I think so, I'm the program director; Jerry Aldini
- Interviewer: Well, how do you justify a $1,000 a week.
- Tripper: Well, we have some special programs. Uh, we're doing Shakespeare in the Round again this year, of course. Uh, our political round table, Henry Kissinger will appear. Asser Arafat is gonna come out, spend a weekend with the kids. Just rap with them.
- Interviewer That's amazing!
- Tripper: And the kids wanted animals. So this year, each camper will stalk and kill his own bear in our private wildlife preserve.
- Interviewer: Are you sure the children can, uh, can hack that?
- Tripper: We'll see. But, the real excitement, of course, is gonna come at the end of the summer, uh, during Sexual Awareness Week. We import 200 hookers from around the world, and each camper, armed with only a thermos of coffee and $2,000 cash, tries to visit as many countries as he can and the winner, of course, is named King of Sexual Awareness Week and is allowed to rape and pillage the neighboring towns until camp ends.
- Interviewer That's incredible.
- Tripper: What'd you expect for $1,000 a week. Hey, you have a good summer too, huh?
- Tripper: [dancing together] Is that a bra you're wearing, or are you expecting an assassination attempt?
- Roxanne: Are those Clorets in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
- Tripper: OK, we're even. 3 years of this. I don't think I have many lines left. Frankly, Roxanne, I'm frightened.
- Roxanne: Oh, no. Don't go human on me now, Tripper.
- Tripper: Well, I'm trying.
- Roxanne: So keep trying.
- Rudy: I saw you dancing with Roxanne.
- Tripper: Oh yeah? Well, she sort'a cornered me and there was nothing I could do without embarrassing her.
- Rudy: Do you like her?
- Tripper: Well, I feel sorry for her, you know. She's got a glass eye. And, uh, I'm one of the few people who knows exactly which eye to look at when they're talking to her, so she's sort of fixated on me.
- Rudy: Well, I like her.
- Tripper: Well you're not exactly known for your taste. I'll probably just use her for the rest of the summer and then throw her on the scrap heap with all the rest of the women that I've destroyed. Uh, I have to go on this overnight. I'm takin' the C.I.T.s on an overnight for the next couple days so you're gonna have to do your own training, son. I want you to run two miles today and two and a half tomorrow.
- Rudy: I've never run that far.
- Tripper: Neither have I but somebody's gotta do it. I can't be expected to do it. Somebody's gotta do it, and it can't be me! Because I'm too busy. I've responsibilities. I'm the entertainment director for the overnight. [holds up a bottle of wine]
- Tripper: It's a weird moon. Moon kills, you know. It feeds off the earth. On a night like this, one of us could get up in the middle of the night, grab an axe and cut someone's head off. [Fink laughs and howls] I remember a night like this a few years ago. A guy and a girl went out driving, it was one of their first dates, started out kind of casual, but they ended up deciding to go park. Not too far from here, as a matter of fact. Well, they were going at it listening to the radio, all of the sudden a news bulliton broke, "Dangerous lunitic has escaped from the hospital of the criminally insaine at Two Pines."
- A.L.: Oh, come on, Trip.
- Tripper: They described him as a monster, six and a half feet tall, two-hundered and sixty pounds, with one horrible distingishing feature: a sharpened-stainless steel hook... where his right hand use to be. That was enough for the guy. He slammed the car into gear, floored it, bounced off a tree, didn't stop until they got to the girl's house, got out of his side, walked around to her's. There, hanging in the door covered with blood was a stainless-steel hook. The strangest part is after all these years, after the biggest man hunt in Two Pines history, they never found the killer! Some people say he's still out here in the woods waiting for the chance to kill again. And I say... I say there right! [reveales a hook on his right hand, scaring everone, and chases Roxanne into the forest, followed by everyone laughing]
- Larry: Hey, my dinner!
- Wheels: Isn't that a bullshit story.
- Jackie: No, it's true. I heard it before.
- Wendy: Yah.
- Jackie: Only I heard it was on a beach.
- Wendy: Yeah.
- Hardware: No, I heard it happened at a park.
- Spaz: Oh, I heard it, but the guy was missing a foot.
- Larry: How could the guy have a hook on his foot!?
- Morty: Hey, gang, come on! Look it, just `cause we're losing doesn't mean it's all over.
- Phil: Cut the crap, Morty. I mean, the Mohawks have beaten us the last 12 years, they're gonna beat us again.
- Tripper: That’s just the attitude we don’t need, Phil. Sure, Mohawk has beaten us 12 years in a row. Sure, they’re terrific athletes. They’ve got the best equipment that money can buy. Hell, every team they’re sending over here has their own personal masseuse. Not masseur. Masseuse. But, it doesn’t matter. Do you know that every Mohawk competitor has electrocardiogram, blood and urine tests every 48 hours to see if there’s any change in his physical condition. Do you know that they use the most sophisticated training methods from the Soviet Union, East and West Germany, and the newest Olympic power, Trinidad Tobago. But, it doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter! I tell you it just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter!
- The group: IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER...
- Tripper: And Even...and even if we win...if we win... Ha! Even if we win. Even if we play so far over our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days. Even if God in Heaven above comes down and points His hand at our side of the field. Even if everyman woman and child held hands together and prayed for us to win. It just wouldn’t matter because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guy from Mohawk cause they’ve got all the money. It just doesn’t matter if we win or we lose. It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn't matter!
- The group: IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER...
- Are you ready for a good time?
- The Sumer Camp That Makes You Untrustworthy, Disloyal, Unhelpful, Unfriendly, Discourteous, Unkind, Disobedient, and Very Hilarious.
- Bill Murray - Tripper Harrison
- Chris Makepeace - Rudy Gerner
- Harvey Atkin - Morty Melnick
- Kate Lynch - Roxanne
- Russ Banham - Crockett
- Kristine DeBell - A.L.
- Sarah Torgov - Candace
- Jack Blum - Spaz
- Keith Knight - Larry "Fink" Finkelstein
- Cindy Girling - Wendy
- Todd Hoffman - Wheels
- Margot Pinvidic - Jackie
- Matt Craven - Hardware
- Norma Dell'Agnese - Brenda
- Michael Kirby - Eddy