Men in Black II
What will not woman, gentle woman dare; when strong affection stirs her spirit up?Robert Southey
- Jeff, excuse my partner. He's new and he's [Jeff attacks T] kind of stupid.
- [J has just saved a whole subway of passenagers from being eaten alive by Jeff, the giant worm-like alien, who chewed off a half of the subway train before retreating]
[Neuralizes subway passengers]
The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all woulda been eaten. 'Cause you don't listen. You ignorant. How a man gon' come bashin' thru a subway win-- That's the problem with all y'all New Yorkers. "Oh, we seen it all." "Oh no! A 600 ft. worm! Save us, Mr Black Man!" And ask ya nice move to the next car! Y'all sit there like...
[Neuralizes subway passengers again]
The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. We hope that you enjoyed our new, smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. [walks off, neuralizing Capt. Lawrence Bridgewater, MTA in the process]
- How about we do the good cop, dumb dog thing, and you just shut up?
- Jeff, I am so not in a mood for you! Get back in the subway! Right now!
- I will lay the smackdown on your candy ass! (In homage to The Rock)
- Yeah, every Saturday night you'd be like, "Flush me J. Flush me." and I'd be like, "Naw."
- I never work in a funeral home. Something I can do for you, slick?
- Get a mop and escort all civilian personnel from this site immeditiately.
- Silly little planet. I could rule the place with the right set of mammary glands.
- An hour ago, a man I've known my whole life vanished in front of my eyes because of a woman with things coming out of her fingers and a two-headed guy with the IQ of a cannoli. So yeah, everything's okay.
- When we're kids, before we're taught how to think, or what to believe, our hearts tell us there is something else out there. I know what I saw. You tell me what I'm supposed to believe.
- Frank the Pug: (upon seeing a dead man's skin only) Hey, J, zero percent body fat!
- Worms: Once you've had worm, it's what you'll yearn!
- Michael Jackson: I could be Agent M.
- Grand Central Station Locker Creatures: K is back! The keeper of the light! All hail K! All hail K! Oh K can you see by the dawn's early light...
- Jeebs: (head is growing back after J shot it off) Oh, great, right in the pie-hole! Now nothing's gonna taste right!
- Frank: You're back from outer space, I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key...
- Agent J: Frank, get your head in the car before before I roll it up in there.
- Frank: [Sits further away from the window] Got it! [Starts humming "I Will Survive" melody again, looking anxiously out the window]
- Agent J: FRANK!!
- MIB Customs Agent: Any fruit or vegetables?
- Serleena: [motioning towards Scrad] Yeah, two heads of cabbage.
- Agent J: Wait, what are you doing?
- Agent K: I always do the driving.
- Agent J: Oh, no.
- Agent K: I remember that.
- Agent J: No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted jaun. See, I drive... the new hotness.
- [pointing at Kay]
- Agent J: Old and busted.
- [pointing at himself]
- Agent J: New hotness.
- [K looks at J for a second, then J hands the keys over]
- Agent J: Old, busted hotness.
- [about the driver-shaped airbag]
- Agent K: Does that come standard?
- Agent J: Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.
- Agent K: You didn't see a room full of weapons or four alien nightcrawlers. You will love and cherish each other for the rest of your lives.
- Agent J: Which could be the next 27, 28 minutes, so get to the loving and cherishing. Oh, and she can stay up late as she wants and can have cookies, candy, and cakes and stuff.
- Agent J: (J is hiding Laura at the Worms' place) Here's my communicator. You'll be safe here.
- Worms: (Laura kisses Jay) Whooooh!
- Agent J: Uh... just... watch out for Neeble.
- Laura: Which one's Neeble?
- Agent J: Um... err... which one o' y'all's Neeble?
- Neeble: Yo, mama!
- Agent J: Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep.
- [Jay exits]
- Worms: Twister!
- Agent J: Didn't your mother give you a Gameboy!!??
Agent K: WHAT IS A GAMEBOY!!!!?
- Agent K: When you get sad it always seems to rain.
- Laura: Lots of people get sad when it rains!
- Agent K: It rains because you're sad baby.
- Agent J: So Laura is Princess Laurana's daughter. [turns to K] Did y'all...?
- Agent K: MIB's a mess let's go.
- Will Smith - Agent J
- Tommy Lee Jones - Agent K/Kevin Brown
- Rip Torn - Zed
- Lara Flynn Boyle - Serleena
- Johnny Knoxville - Scrad
- Rosario Dawson - Laura
- Tony Shalhoub - Jack Jeebs