Mike Birbiglia

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Mike Birbiglia (born 20 June 1978) is an American stand-up comic.

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  • I have a habit of making awkward situations even more awkward. I was moving a new bed into my apartment, and a women opened the door for me with her key. And she said, "I'm not worried because I know a rapist wouldn't have a bed like that." Now what I should have said was nothing... but what I did say was "You'd be surprised."
  • What's interesting about sports writers is that they don't know how to play sports, and a lot of them don't know how to write.
  • The cell phone companies make you sign up for a plan, but it's not like if you don't follow the plan they're cool with it. It's like, "You can have 600 anytime minutes for 50 dollars, but if you go over that, we shoot you in the dick!"
  • I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "you're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman"
  • Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. And then I dance, and they're like 'not like that!'
  • A girl offered me E at the club. "Have you ever done E?" "I watch E!"
  • I went to Dunkin Donuts the other day and the guy there didn't speak English. Like, no words. And it's like, I'm all for the melting pot theory, but if I lived in Portugal and I worked at Dunkino Donutos, I might pick up a couple words along the way - like donutos, muchinos, chocolato coveratos... the customers would be like 'Blah blah blah DONUTO!' and I'd be like, 'Right away, sir! And since I didn't understand any of the other words you said, here's a few extra donutos on the houso.'
  • I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
  • What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
  • Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'
  • I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees...
  • I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.
  • I think [my girlfriend's cats] were gay too, cause they were always licking each other and spooning in the window and criticizing the way I dress. I don't think it's a biological thing, like they're gay by birth. I think it's an environment thing, like they're prison gay. They don't see any female cats ever, and after awhile it's like "look, Tony, we ain't getting any younger, buddy. This may be the catnip talking, but I really like the way your belly matches your paws."
  • My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.
  • I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though.. I should WRITE IT. That way they won't find out.
  • I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?' Because I think he should also sell Snapple, that way he could hook you in with the Snapple. He'd be like, "You know what would go great with that Snapple? Crack." I'd be like, "I never thought of it that way." It'd be like amazon.com: "If you like Snapple, you might also like.... balloons of heroin."
  • Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz. That's kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks ... Maybe I'm the Kenny G of comedy.
  • I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.
  • Whenever I tell people I'm dieting they're like 'what are you talking about! You don't need to diet!... that much...' Sure, I'm not the kinda guy with a huge weight problem, but I'm the kinda guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy.
  • I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.
  • I like using the word 'cracker' a little in my act because alot of black comics use the N word, I like using the C word. Like 'Me and my cracker friends were driving down the street in my Volvo Station Wagon, when I said 'Hey cracker, pass the sun chips.' And he says 'Not til we get to the picnic, cracker.' And I say 'cracker, please.' And he's like 'cracker whaat?' When I said that at a show this black guy came up to me and he was like 'My cracker.' And I was like 'Actually, you can't call me a cracker. Only we can call each other crackers. You can say 'crackA' but not 'crackER.' And he was like 'It's ok, I got white friends and they're cool with it.'
  • One of the ways they're trying to get pandas to mate is by showing them porn. And my question is, is it panda porn, or is it human porn? Or is it humans dressed like panda porn, which is some kinky panda porn that I might be interested in.
  • I find that a sympathy card is kind of an underwhelming gesture, in a way. It's like saying, 'I know you're going through the deepest loneliness of your entire life, so here's a picture of a daffodil, I hope that works out for ya.' That's why I wanna make my own line of sympathy cards. Like on the cover I'd put a picture of a duckbill platypus playing checkers with a rhinoceros and in the background there's like a hot dog with arms holding up a lemonade stand at gunpoint, and you open it up and it says 'The world is fucked up, man.'
  • I think Bush seems like that fun guy. You know, that guy you invite to the barbecue because you know he'll start the whiffle ball game. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony! You're like, 'Yeah, Whiffle Ball Tony's here! Alright, alright. This is cool.' And then one day, somebody's like, 'We're gonna put Tony in charge of EVERYTHING.' And I'm like, 'We are? I dunno if that's such a good idea.' Because he's very competitive. He starts going to the neighbor's lawn and challenges them to Whiffle Ball. He's like, 'I heard you wanna play Whiffle Ball, bitches!' And they're like, 'We never said that!' But he starts chucking hamburgers at them. We're like, 'Tony! What are you doing, man!?' He's like, 'They were gonna chuck hamburgers at me!' Then it turns out that they don't even have hamburgers! They have hot dogs, but they only throw them at each other, so it's cool. Then people get upset and they're like, 'Well, maybe we should've gone with Bookworm Steve... but he's so boring!' Then one guy's like, 'What about Ralph? We could go with Ralph,' And everyone's like, 'Shut up, Ralph! This is no time for joking.'
  • Sometimes when I'm driving I'll listen to the radio for hours. And I'll listen to Christian Rock, by mistake. Because it always starts out like a Bon Jovi ballad you know? (starts playing guitar). It'll be like. 'I woke up in the morning, and I got myself some oatmeal, and I put some raisins on it, and... Christ is God, Christ is God, God God God.' And I'm like, 'What about the oatmeal, I thought this was the oatmeal song...'
  • So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.
  • (about his last name) It was a hard name to have growing up as a child. Kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.
  • (about the pronunciation of his last name) Telemarketers often say, "Hello, may I speak with Mister --- Oh, man..... Girbigaboo?" I always have to spell it on the phone, "It's 'B' as in 'boy', 'I-R', 'B' again, 'I-G-L-I-A'!" I wish my name were just "Boy!" So I'd say, "It's 'B' as in 'boy' and the rest of the word 'Boy'!"
  • My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat."
  • I just become another person when I drink. Like one time, I was at a bar and this girl talked to me and gave me her number, but the next morning, I didn't want to call her because I felt that she didn't fall in love with me. She fell in love with Two Drink Mike. You know, Two Drink Mike loves dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife. And Five Drink Mike enjoys dancing with wildlife.
  • I wish I were better at drinking because I love sex, which is weird because usually I love things that I'm good at, like badminton and drinking hot chocolate.
  • I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"

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