Monty Python's Flying Circus
- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 Whither Canada? [1.01]
- 1.2 Sex and Violence [1.02]
- 1.3 How to recognize different Type of Trees from quite a long way away [1.03]
- 1.4 It's the Arts [1.06]
- 1.5 The Agatha Christie sketch [Episode 11]
- 1.6 The Spanish Inquisition [Episode 15]
- 1.7 The Architect Sketch [Episode 17]
- 1.8 Other Quotes
- 2 Major cast
- 3 See also
- 4 External links
Whither Canada? [1.01]
- Francesco: Milano è tanto meglio di Napoli. Milano è la citta la più bella di tutti… nel mondo…
- Giuseppe: He say "Milan is better than Napoli".
- Instructor: Oh, he shouldn't be saying that — we haven't done comparatives yet.
- Pepperpot #1: I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab.
- Interviewer: Yes, we find that 9 out of 10 British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo Butter and a dead crab.
- Various Pepperpots: It's true… We can't… No.
- Pepperpot #2: Here. Here! You're on television, aren't you?
- Interviewer: [humbly] Yes, yes…
- Pepperpot #2: He does the thing with one of those silly women who can't tell Whizzo Butter from a dead crab.
- Various Pepperpots: Yeah, yeah.
- Pepperpot #3: You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face.
- Pepperpot #4: [quietly] Yeah, with a razor.
It's the Arts
- Interviewer: Get your own arts programme, you fairy!
The Funniest Joke in the World
- Voiceover: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke [Cut to stock footage of Neville Chamberlain returning from Munich and holding up the Munich Agreement, the "this is peace in our time"-bit.], and one which Hitler just couldn't match.
- [Cut to stock footage of Hitler giving a speech.]
- Hitler: [subtitle] My dog's got no nose!
- Soldier: [subtitle] How does he smell?
- Hitler: [subtitle] Awful!
- . . .
- Various: Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
- . . .
- Narrator (in person): In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.
Sex and Violence [1.02]
- Neighbor: And now for something completely different: a man with three buttocks…
- Mum, Dad: [from upstairs] We've done that!
- Neighbor: Oh, all right. All right! A man with nine legs.
- Off-Camera Voice: He ran away.
- Neighbor: Oh… bloody hell! Er… a Scotsman on a horse!
How to recognize different Type of Trees from quite a long way away [1.03]
Bicycle Repair Man
- Superman One: Oh look... is it a stockbroker?
- Superman Two: Is it a quantity Surveyor?
- Superman Three: Is it a church warden?
- All Supermen: NO! It's Bicycle Repair Man!
It's the Arts [1.06]
- Mr. Figgis: Why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfernschplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwurstle-gerspurten-mit-tzwei-macheluber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shoenendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?"
The Agatha Christie sketch [Episode 11]
- Inspector Tiger:: This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody ... no, I must ask everybody to... I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave. I ... I ... ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. Phew. Understand?
- Colonel Pickering:: You don't want anybody to leave the room.
- Inspector Tiger:: (clicking fingers to indicate Colonel Pickering has hit the nail on the head) Now, alduce me to introlow myslef. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow myslef. Introme -to-lose mlow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment. (bangs himself on the side of the head) Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.
- Everybody: Tiger?
- Inspector Tiger (whirling around): WHERE? WHERE?
The Spanish Inquisition [Episode 15]
- Reg: Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!
- [Three men in red uniforms burst through the door]
- Cardinal Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
- Judge Kilbraken: [referring to his death sentence for contempt of court] Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
- [The whole court expectantly looks towards the door. Cut to the Inquisition running out of a house in suburbia and leaping onto a bus]
- Ximinez: Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.
- [Credits start]
- Biggles: Look they've started the credits.
- Ximinez: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
- Biggles: Come on hurry. Hurry!
- Ximinez: There's the lighting credit, only five left. Hell, it's the producer - quick!
- [The Inquistion leaps of the bus and bursts through into the courtroom]
- Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spa... [Smash cut to a frame saying "The End"] Oh bugger!
The Architect Sketch [Episode 17]
- Mr. Wiggin: This is a 12-story block combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The tenants arrive here and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort, past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these...
- Client 1: Excuse me.
- Mr. Wiggin: Yes?
- Client 1: Did you say 'knives'?
- Mr. Wiggin: Rotating knives, yes.
- Client 2: Do I take it that you are proposing to slaughter our tenants?
- Mr. Wiggin: ...Does that not fit in with your plans?
- Client 1: Not really. We asked for a simple block of flats.
- "I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off." -Graham Chapman as an old woman
- In 1970 the British Empire lay in ruins, foreign nationals frequented the streets - many of them Hungarians (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists shops to buy cigarettes... - Opening to the "Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook" sketch
- "We would like to apologize for the way in which politicians are represented in this programme. It was never our intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are more concerned with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well-being of the people they supposedly represent, nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor indeed do we intend that viewers should consider them as crabby ulcerous little self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might find offensive. We are sorry if this impression has come across."
- If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as the man and then compare the relative brain size, we now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point, it is larger than it *was*.
- My hovercraft is full of eels. -From the "Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook" sketch
- 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. - The beginning of the infamous "Parrot sketch."
- Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords. -One explanation for Parrot's lack of responsiveness
- It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. Its metabolic processes are now of interest only to historians! He's off the twig! He's fuckin' snuffed it! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This is an ex-parrot!- John Cleese's rant to Michael Palin during the dead parrot sketch.
- I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of freezing cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for letting us work there, and when we got home, our Dad would murder us in cold blood, each night, and dance about on our graves singing "Hallelujah." But you try and tell the young people of today that... and they won't believe ya'. -End of "Four Yorkshiremen" sketch
- Eh? know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean? Say no more! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, say no more, say no more! -from "Nudge, nudge"
- Rule Six, there is NO Rule Six. Rule Seven, no pooftas!! -From the Bruce sketch
- We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose. -from Crunchy Frog sketch
- Well there's rat cake ... rat sorbet... rat pudding... or strawberry tart.
- Man: Strawberry tart?!
- Woman: Well it's got some rat in it.
- Man: How much?
- Woman: Three, rather a lot really.
- Man: ... well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it. -from Dead Bishop sketch
- The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the raspberry-laden foe but also the raspberries. -from "Self-defense against Fruit"
- Wife: Have you got anything without SPAM?
Waitress: Well, there's SPAM egg sausage and SPAM, that's not got much SPAM in it.
Wife: I don't want any SPAM!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon SPAM and sausage?
Wife: That's got SPAM in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much SPAM in it as SPAM egg sausage and SPAM, has it?
Vikings: SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM... Lovely SPAM! Wonderful SPAM! -The infamous Monty Python SPAM skit (Eric Idle, Graham Chapman, and Terry Jones, and Vikings) which was the inspiration for use of the word SPAM for junk advertising on the internet.- Wikipedia article; WAV sound file of the SPAM chorus
- Mrs. O: [reading her horoscope] You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and tail. Although lizardlike in shape, you can grow anything up to thirty feet in length with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid subtropical zones, and you wear spectacles.
Mrs. Trepidatious: It's very good about the spectacles.
Mrs. O: It's amazing! -"What the Stars Foretell", episode 37
- Graham Chapman (announcer): Tarquin Fintim-Limbim-Whimbim-Lim Bus Stop-F'Tang-F'Tang-Olé-Biscuit-Barrel.
Political Newscaster: Silly Party. -From Election Night sketch. Michael Palin represents the Silly Party, while wearing a complete clown suit and a silly open-mouthed grin.
- Yes, well, that's the sort of blinkered philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds, squeezing blackheads and not giving a tinker's cuss for us struggling artists. You excrement! You whining, hypocritical toadies with your color TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs. Well I wouldn't become a Freemason now if you got down on your lousy, stinking, purulent knees and begged me! -From the Architect sketch
- Well, er, yes Mr. Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy, they're a positive boon." -the Vocational Guidance Counsellor Sketch
- Vince: Well one day I was sitting at home threatening the kids, and I looked out of the hole in the wall and sees this tank drive up and one of Dinsdale's boys gets out and he comes up, all nice and friendly like, and says Dinsdale wants to have a talk with me. So he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's. And Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and a couple of film producers and a man they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and Dinsdale sayd 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out, and I said my name's not Clement and then he loses his temper and nails my head to the floor. -The Pirahna Brothers
- Mr. Himmler: Pleased to meet you, squire. I also am not of Minehead being born but I in your Peterborough Lincolnshire was given birth to. But am staying in Peterborough Lincolnshire house all time during vor, due to jolly old running sores, and vos unable to go in the streets or to go visit football matches or go to Nuremburg. Ha ha. Am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, without doing war crimes. Oh...and am glad England vin Vorld Cup. Bobby Charlton. Martin Peters. And eating I am lots of chips and fish and hole in the toads and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly Line, don't you know old chap, vot! And I vos head of Gestapo for ten years.('Hilter' elbows him in the ribs) Ah! Five years! (Hilter elbows him again, harder) Nein! No! Oh. NOT head of Gestapo AT ALL! I was not, I make joke! -From the Mr. Hilter sketch
- I love animals, that's why I like to kill 'em.- From the Mosquito Hunters sketch
- I always preferred the outdoor life…hunting…shooting…fishing…getting out there with a gun and slaughtering a few of God’s creatures.
- There are a great many people in the country today, who through no fault of their own, are sane. - The Silly Vicar sketch
- I like TITS!!! - The Dirty Vicar Sketch
- Announcer: This man, he doesn't know when he's beaten! He doesn't know when he's winning, either. He has no… sort of… sensory apparatus…
- And Now for Something Completely Different; during Oliver St John-Mollusc's failed attempts to leap 2 layers of matchboxes in the "Upper-Class Twit of the Year" sketch
- Announcer: Vivian is there, Vivian is coming through, Simon's in second place, and there's Oliver, (shows shot of Oliver lying dead underneath a red sports car) but not necessarily out of it. -From Upperclass Twit of the Year
- Interviewer (Michael Palin):Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight one of the country's leading skin specialists, Raymond Luxury Yacht
- Raymond Luxury-Yacht (Graham Chapman):That's not my name!
- Interviewer:[tries other pronunciation - Yacht as /jætʃt/] I'm sorry; Raymond Luxury Yacht.
- Raymond Luxury-Yacht:No no no, it's spelled, "Raymond Luxury Yacht," but it's pronounced, "Throatwobbler Mangrove".
- Interviewer:You are a very silly man, and I'm not going to interview you. [Gets up and leaves]
- Raymond Luxury-Yacht: Anti-Semitism!
- -Cosmetic Surgery Sketch
- Bishop The text, Vic, Don't say the text!
- -Election Night Sketch
- Anouncer: And we move to Bristol where they have a special, Very Silly candidate...
- Election Offical: Malcom Peter-Brian-Telescope-Adrian-Umbrella Stand-Jasper-Wednesday-Stoat Gobbler-John-Raw Vegetable-Artur-Norman-Michael-*honK*-Featherstone-Smith-*Whistle*-Northgot-Edwards-Harris-*bang*-WOOOOOO-Mason-chuffchuffchuffchuff-Frampton-Jones-Fruit Bat-Gilbert-we'll keep a welcome in the-*bang bang bang*-Williams-If I could Walk That Way-Jenkin-*vvvt vvt vvvt vvvvewwww*-Tiger Drawers-Pratt-Thompson-Raindrops keep fallin on my head-Darcy-Carter-*honk*-Pussycat-Don't sleep in the subway-Barton-Mannering-*squeek*-mmmmm-Smith...
- Anouncer: "Very Silly Party"
- Election Offical: "two votes"
-Secret Service Dentistry
- Customer: There IS something going on!
- Shopkeeper: There is nothing going on. Is there something going on?
(Man with machinegun enters)
- Gunman: No, there is nothing going on.
(Man with machinegun leaves)
- Shopkeeper: See, there's nothing going on.
- Customer: Who was that?
-Exploding Penguin Sketch
- Woman 1: It's funny that penguin being there, isn't it? What's it doing there?
- Woman 2: Standing.
- Woman 1: I can see that!
- Woman 1: Penguins don't come from next door; they come from the Antarctic!
- Woman 2: BURMA!
[awkward silence, looking around the room]
- Woman 1: Why'd you say "Burma"?
- Woman 2: I panicked.
- TV Announcer: It's just gone eight o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.
- [The penguin explodes, to the astonishment of the women]
- Woman 1: How did he know that was going to happen?
- TV Announcer: It was an inspired guess.
- All players assumed many various roles.