Mr. & Mrs. Smith

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Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination.
Roy Goodman
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John Smith

  • [hitman from the BMW opens the van's left door. John opens the other van door and yanks the hitman through] These doors are handy.
  • You looked like Christmas morning.
  • Your aim's as bad as your cooking sweetheart... and that's saying something!
  • [after firing a rocket launcher] We should so not be allowed to buy these.
  • I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.
  • Does that include weekends? [when asked how many times they have sex]
  • Web of lies!
  • We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.
  • Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punchline is you die.
  • [after his wife checks his crotch for a weapon] That's all John, sweetheart.
  • [hotwiring a neighbor's minivan] He's had my barbecue set for months.
  • [after Jane accidentally throws a knife that punctures his leg] We'll talk about this later.
  • I can't believe I brought my real parents to our wedding.
  • [after having accidentally shot at his wife, Mr. Smith is on the roof of her car while she's trying to throw him off] Come on, let's talk about this! You don't want to go to bed angry!
  • Let's see if we can't get a tune out of this trombone.
  • We're going to have to re-do every conversation we've ever had.
  • Fuckers get younger every year. [After beating up an agent who attempts to stop them from taking the mini van.]
  • I said, I said I saw your Dad on Fantasy Island!

Jane Smith

  • [after shooting through a wall at John] Still alive, baby?
  • We re-did the house.
  • Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet.
  • To dodging bullets.
  • Any last words?
  • Have you been selling big guns to bad people?
  • I was never in the peace corps.
  • I don't understand the question. [When she and John are asked how often they have sex]

John and Jane Smith

Marriage Counselor: How often do you have sex?
Jane Smith: I don't understand the question.

Girls walking by House: What's going on, Mrs. Smith?
Jane Smith: Garden party, girls.

Jane Smith: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we *don't* say to each other. What's that called?
Marriage Counselor: Marriage.

Marriage Counselor: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage?
Jane Smith: 8.
John Smith: Wait. Could you clarify? Is 10 the highest? 10 being perfectly happy and 1 being totally miserable or...
Marriage Counselor: Just respond instinctively.
John Smith: Ok. Ready?
Jane Smith, John Smith: 8.

John Smith: Come to Daddy.
Jane Smith: [after she bashes him with a teapot and headbutts him] Who's your Daddy now?

John Smith: Dance with me.
Jane Smith: You don't dance.
John Smith: It was just my cover, sweetheart.
Jane Smith: Was sloth part of it too?

John Smith: [at marriage counseling] Ask us the sex question.
Jane Smith: [whispers] John.
John Smith: [softly with his fingers out for ten] Ten.

John Smith: Hiya, stranger.
Jane Smith: Hiya back.

[John has just returned from shooting Lucky at the bar]
Jane Smith: Where've you been?
John Smith: I just went down to the sports bar. Put a little money on the game.
Jane Smith: How'd you do?
John Smith: I got Lucky.

John Smith: [both pointing guns at each other; John drops his] You want it? It's yours.
Jane Smith: Don't! C'mon! C'mon!

[about the new curtains Jane bought]
Jane Smith: If you don't like them we can take them back.
John Smith: All right, I don't like them.
Jane Smith: [pause] You'll get used to them.

Jane Smith: You ever have trouble sleeping after?
John Smith: No.
Jane Smith: Me neither.

Benjamin: [while being interrogated and tortured by John Smith] Can I have a soda or a juice or...
[Jane hits him with the telephone]
John Smith: Ok, that was a nice shot.

[first session with a marriage counselor]
John Smith: Ok, I'll go first. let me see... um... We don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.
Jane Smith: Six.
John Smith: [chastened] Five, six years.

Jane Smith: [referring to the pursuing cars] They're bulletproof!
John Smith: [having not heard and shot at the cars] They're bulletproof!
[Jane rolls her eyes]

John Smith: How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...
Jane Smith: 312.
John Smith: What? How?
Jane Smith: Some were two at a time.
(Comparing body-counts, or possibly affairs.)

John Smith: [during a car chase] I never told you, but I was married once before.
(Jane slams on the brakes)
John Smith: Ow! Are you insane? What's wrong with you!?
Jane Smith: [hitting John] You're what's wrong with me!
John Smith: It was a drunken Vegas thing.
Jane Smith: Oh, that's better! That's *much* better!
Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?
John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.

Jane Smith: My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.
John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?
Jane Smith: Paid actor.
John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!
Jane Smith: I know.
John Smith: You know I don't even want to talk about it!

Jane Smith: Wait, why do I get the girl gun?
John Smith: Are you kidding me?

John Smith: That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.
Jane Smith: Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb.

John Smith: I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art history major.
Jane Smith: Art?
John Smith: History! It's reputable.

John Smith: I realise you witnessed the missus and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.
[Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently]
John Smith: Honey!
Jane Smith: Wrap it up.
John Smith: Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.
Jane Smith: Sorry.
John Smith: Girls. Where was I?
Benjamin: Mistake on your part.
John Smith: Shut up.

John Smith: Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?
Jane Smith: No. Oh, percussion grenades. I was partially deaf that evening.

John Smith: What's new?
Eddie: Same old, same old. People need killing.

John Smith: Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.
Jane Smith: Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.

Jane Smith: You were bait.
Benjamin: In a manner of speaking.
Jane Smith: *Were* bait or *are* bait?

John Smith: [Refering to the picture Benjamin has of John and Jane] You get rid of it, you burn it! Tradecraft 101!
Benjamin: Oh. Sorry, I guess I missed that day. Just like you missed the day of don't marry the enemy.

Lucky: What? You're looking for a job or something?
John Smith: You are the job.
[John kills everybody in the room]
John Smith: [looking at the cards at the table] Pair of threes.

(comparing injuries)
John Smith: I'm slightly colorblind. Retinal scarring.
John Smith: Three ribs. Broken eye socket. Perforated eardrum.
Jane Smith: I can't feel anything in these three fingers.

John Smith: [talking about their predicament while in a nice restaurant] So what do we do, Jane? Shoot it out here? Hope for the best?
Jane Smith: Well, that would be bad because they would probably ask me to leave once you are dead.

Jane Smith: [dancing with John, he's just finished searching her for weapons] Satisfied?
John Smith: Not for years.

Jane Smith: I thought I told you not to bother me at the office, honey.
John Smith: Well, you are still Mrs. Smith.
Jane Smith: Well, so are a lot of girls.

John Smith: That left of yours is a thing of beauty.
Jane Smith: Mmm. You take it well.


Eddie: Tempting but I don't get out of bed for less than half a million dollars.

Eddie: This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy.
John Smith: She tried to kill me.
Eddie: They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it?
John Smith: [grabs a MP5] I'm going to borrow this.
Eddie: I like where your head's at, man.

Eddie: Did you get any other details on her besides her weight class?
John Smith: [mumbles while chewing food] Laptop
Eddie: I'm sorry? You're in the whole zone right now- I'm having a hard time talkin' to ya.
John Smith: [swallows and says louder] Laptop!
Eddie: OK. Laptop.

Eddie: [at the diner] Well this shouldn't be that difficult, I mean how many chicks are hitters out there? Ya know what I mean?

Eddie's Waitress: You guys want any dessert?
Eddie: What do ya have honey?
Eddie's Waitress: Ice cream...
Eddie: Ice cream?! That sounds delicious, what flavors d'ya have?
Eddie's Waitress: Chocolate and Vanilla...
Eddie: I don't like either of those, separately, but maybe mixed together, that could be... a nice lil dish, you know what I mean? And not just a little pink spoon, a like the whole sundae...
[winks to the waitress]
Eddie's Waitress: Could be arranged...
[walks off]
Eddie: Perfect...
[to John]
Eddie: Could be arranged, d'ya hear that? Like to have her kick my ass... d'ya know what I mean?

Eddie's Mom: Eddie?
Eddie: [Startled. Cocks shotgun and shouts] Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!
Eddie's Mom: [pause] Never mind.

Eddie: I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted.


  • What? Your husband is the shooter? That's impossible. ~Jasmine

[Jane Smith looks at Julie, shocked, after Julie detonates the explosive in the elevator John is in]
Jane: [bewilderedly]What the hell was that?
Julie - Associate #1: [casually] What? You said goodbye.

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