You climbed mountains and built skyscrapers. You made TV shows and put out newspapers. You were wicked good at doing stocks. You liked it when Emilio would change your socks. We never hung out and that makes me sad. All the good times we could've HAD. But when I die, Uncle Preston, you better say "Cheers". Cause when me and you are hanging at the pearly gates, I'll bring the beers. I'll bring the beers...
- Reverend Al Sharpton: Nice rhyme, nice rhyme
- Deeds: Hey Crazy Eyes, what you in for?(Crazy Eyes is in jail)
- Crazy Eyes: because I wanted to see probation officers drinking pee.
- Deeds: Why did you bit the mail-man?
- Crazy Eyes: He was waving his arm trying to cast a spell at me like a wizard or something.
- Deeds: Maybe he was waving hello.
- Crazy Eyes: Couldn't be that too.
Crazy Eyes: I watch the stock market channel all the time - I just watch because I suspect that anchor man of being an evil leprechaun... he can bullshit everybody else, but he ain't fooling me.
Helicopter Pilot: You own the Jets, Deeds.
Emilio: How can I thank you? Longfellow Deeds: All I want is your friendship, Emilio. You're a good man. Emilio: Deeds! How about a billion dollars? Longfellow Deeds: Alright. Emilio: Done.
Longfellow Deeds: Whoa, you kinda snuck up on me there... Emilio: I am very very sneaky, sir.
[Longfellow Deeds is showing Emilio his frostbitten foot] Emilio: The hideousness of that foot will haunt my dreams forever. Longfellow Deeds: Oh, yeah. I've heard that before
Jan: I'm sorry all I heard was blah blah blah I'm a dirty tramp.
Longfellow Deeds: Bu bu bu bu bullshit.
Longfellow Deeds: It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.
Longfellow Deeds: What up, Chuck?
[Anderson raises his hand after Chuck Cedar asks if anyone knows a doctor that just faxed them] Chuck Cedar: Congratulations, you have a spastic colon. Cecil Anderson: That would explain a lot.
Longfellow Deeds: What are you in for? Crazy Eyes: Eeh, I'm doin' an overnighter for bitin' the mailman. [waves his hand] Crazy Eyes: He was tryin' to cast some spell on me like a wizard or somethin'. Longfellow Deeds: You sure about that? Crazy Eyes: I don't know, maybe he was just wavin'. [waves hand then sees Chuck and Cecil] Crazy Eyes: Who're your friends? Longfellow Deeds: This is Chuck and Cecil, they're visiting from New York. Crazy Eyes: I don't like 'em. Longfellow Deeds: Ok then.
Longfellow Deeds: Crazy Eyes. Crazy Eyes: Hey, Deeds. Longfellow Deeds: How you doin', pal? I got your pizza for you, just the way you like it. Crazy Eyes: Oh, yes. French Fries and Oreos, you know me all too well, Deeds.
Crazy Eyes: I wasn't talking to you, Deeds. I was talking to that squirrel over there. [points at a goat]
John McEnroe: I like the way you beat up those guys who were making fun of you. It was pretty cool. Longfellow Deeds: Yeah I bet you know what it's like to get all riled up Johnny Mac. John McEnroe: That I do.
Consuela Lopez: Want me to wipe the leaves on your ficus tree, Mr. Blake?
Crazy Eyes: Time heals all things... except these crazy eyes.
[In burning building] Cat Lady: I'm not leaving without my cats. Longfellow Deeds: How many cats do you have? Cat Lady: Seven. Longfellow Deeds: Holy shit. Lets get cracking.
Rev. Al Sharpton: That was freaky.
Crazy Eyes: I thought we were watching Scooby Doo.
Murph: Hey look, Deeds is hanging out with John McEnroe. Crazy Eyes: I love The Beach Boys.
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Oh, you have got to be shittin' me. Longfellow Deeds: Whoa... that's the first time I've heard you curse. Babe: I'm that excited.
Babe: And this is my brother Denny's room, [opens a closet door] Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": they didn't like my brother very much.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Now Brother Preston is soaring with eagles high above, because he lived a life of love. Yes he's flying way up high, because he was a supercool guy. He's gone away, too soon it seems, leaving behind his unfinished dreams. Longfellow Deeds: This guy could make a fortune writing greeting cards. Rev. Al Sharpton: Yes we remember Preston Blake, a man with faith no man could shake. A strength no man could break. A character no man could fake. For goodness sake, let's eat some cake. Funeral attendants: Amen
Longfellow Deeds: So how is the elevator business treating you, Reuben? Reuben the Elevator Operator: Oh, it has its ups and downs. [They both start laughing]
[Babe Bennett is fighting against Jan, and Babe just kicked her in the crotch several times] Jan: Where were you kicking? I ain't got no balls, dummy.
Jan: I wanted to be a man!
Nazo, the Italian Delivery Man: Holy Shit, it's a cat!
Emilio: I fear you are underestimating the sneakiness, sir.
[in the Pizza-Place, just after asking Jan if Deeds was there] Cecil Anderson: Is Mrs. Deeds around? Jan: Mrs. Deeds? I don't think that poor boy ever had a date.
Emilio: Usually, when you are black out drunk you don't dream... or so I read.
Babe: Awww, he's choking. We should leave.
Emilio: Here are some aspirins, Mr. Deeds. They make your head seem smaller.
Crazy Eyes: [Driving his new car] These things are damn fast! [Floors it and rams into a tree] Crazy Eyes: I'm alright!
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": [reading the card Deeds wrote for her] Hard to breathe, feels like floating, so full of love, my heart's exploding. Mouth is dry, hands are shaking, my heart is yours, for the taking. Acting weird, not myself, dancing around, like the Keebler elf. Finally time, for this poor shlub to know how it feels, to fall in lub.
Longfellow Deeds: Ma'am, you were just the victim of a New York City mugger. As I suspected, he was a coward and a weakling, and also wore more cologne than any man should wear.
Mac McGrath: Are you gonna see him again tonight? Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Yes. I'm calling him around 4. It's when I get off work. Remember, I am Pam Dawson, virgin school nurse from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa. Mac McGrath: Ha ha, that's priceless... YOU a VIRGIN! Ha ha ha!
Chuck Cedar: We're looking for somebody. Longfellow Deeds. Murph: Wow! Is that's Deeds's first name? Cecil Anderson: Well, if the Deeds you're referring to is Longfellow Deeds, then yes, that is Deeds's first name. Murph: Well, I don't know Deeds's first name, maybe it's Greg. Cecil Anderson: Maybe it's Longfellow. Murph: Maybe. But I don't know. I know another guy named Greg. You want me to call him up? Chuck Cedar: No! Thank you. Please. Just tell us where Deeds lives.
Jan: Deeds isn't in right now, he's making deliveries 'cause our regular delivery guy called in sick. But you don't look very sick, Murph. Murph: Oh, I forgot I was fakin' sick today. [starts walking away] Murph: You guys played me like a fiddle. Touche!
- "I fear you underestimate the sneakyness sir"
- "I am very very sneaky"
- "I sneak in your mom's bed"
- "We are very very sneaky"
- "I only watch (C-SPAN)" because I suspect the anchorman is an evil leprechaun. He can bullshit everybody else, but he ain't foolin' me!"
I wanna see probation officers drinking pee.