Nebulous (radio show)

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It is the paradox of life that the way to miss pleasure is to seek it first. The very first condition of lasting happiness is that a life should be full of purpose, aiming at something outside self.
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Nebulous is a science fiction comedy set in the year 2099 written by Graham Duff and directed by Nicholas Briggs that premiered on BBC Radio 4 on 6 January till the end of the first series on 10 February, 2005,

Starting sequence

Gemini: The year is 2099. These are the files of K.E.N.T.: the Key Environmental Non-judgemental Taskforce. Director of Operations: Professor Nebulous.

Series 1

Holofile 117: The Night of the Vegetarians

Professor Nebulous: I used to enjoy Soylent Beige myself, until I realised, to my horror, that it was made from soya beans.

Professor Nebulous: Nada desperada, Paula, for I have just spotted my good friend Mr Ventilation Shaft Duct Panel... Esquire... OBE.

Professor Nebulous: These people have had their brains washed, rinsed, conditioned, and then put through some kind of mangle, then ironed, and folded, and then put in some kind of airing cupboard: an airing cupboard of the mind, I'm drifting.

Professor Nebulous: I suffer from post-Withering insomnia, my daughter has the same thing.
Dr Klench: I thought you said she was your granddaughter?
Professor Nebulous: No! I mean yes... I mean she is my daughter and...and I think she's grand, so I call her my granddaughter. It's a bit confusing, I can see that now.
Dr Klench: Think nothing of it. One and Two here will take you back to your cell... I mean your room!

Professor Nebulous: The inhabitants of Earth are not sheep! That is to say, the human inhabitants of Earth are not sheep. The sheep are sheep.

Holofile 154: The Lovely Invasion

Professor Nebulous: Who knows what extraterrestrial horrors await us.
Jez: Hi there!
Ronald Rolands: Men!? Beautiful, naked men!
Jez: We are the Lovely! My name's Jez, and I'm not afraid to show me emotions!
Leo: My name's Leo! I love all sport, especially your favourite sport!
P.Q.: Ermm... and I'm P.Q., the quiet one.

Ronald Rolands: Before the Withering, this area was known as "The Midlands".
Professor Nebulous: The towns had beautiful, exotic names: Little Bloxwich, Willoughby and Warwick, which we believe was named after Dionne Warwick, the kingmaker.

Professor Nebulous: No-one's more friendly than me, and I say we should slaughter them!

Jez: Hey! How about a sneak preview of tonight's event!
Professor Nebulous: What are you going to do? Half kill us?
Jez: What?
Professor Nebulous: Never mind.
Jez: Behold! The chamber of Lovelieness!
Professor Nebulous: A glowing golden chamber suspended between two worlds which appears to go on forever? What's so impressive about that?
Leo: When you enter the chamber, you are transformed!
Jez: Or as you humans say, differented.
Professor Nebulous: We don't say differented, we say transformed! Humans aren't idiots.
Rory Lawson: I... erm... I say differented.

Professor Nebulous: And so in conclusion there is only one thing of which we can be absolutely certain: the spaceship was already blowing up when I got there.

Professor Nebulous: I hope you've outgrown the your infantile infatuation with the Lovely.
Rory Lawson: The Lovely? Give me a break!
Harry Hayes: No-one's into them anymore!
Paula Breeze: No way! I only like the Worserons.
Professor Nebulous: The Worserons?
Rory Lawson: You know, the Worserons. Amphibious race, used to walk the Earth at the time of the dinosaurs.
Paula Breeze: Roused from centuries of hibernation by mining work in East Anglia.
Rory Lawson: I like Darvok the best: he's the scheming one!
Harry Hayes: I think Quarton's the best: he's the unblinking one!
Paula Breeze: What about Zargak: he's the merciless one!
Professor Nebulous: Oh, give me strength!

Holofile 722: The Dust Has Landed

Professor Nebulous: Well, this cold Octember weather certainly keeps you on your toes!
Harry Hayes: Unlike you, Professor, I no longer have the luxury of toes!

Professor Nebulous: Don't forget what happened when you visited Quantumshire
Rory Lawson: How can I forget? I'm still there!

Professor Nebulous: You know, in the days before the Withering, they had a weapon could sort out all this dust. They called it: the vacu-um cleaner!

Professor Nebulous: At first, man abhorred the vacuum, for it never worked properly. But soon the vacuum became a panacea. Vacuums were used for everything: personal air travel, child rearing, a cure for male impotence.

Professor Nebulous: Come the Withering, all knowledge of vacuums was lost, along with the secret of fire. Luckily, that one came back pretty quickly.

Professor Nebulous: Only the fool worships his own ignorance. Possibly the cretin does it as well. Maybe the moron. And I suppose the idiot... I'm drifting.

Agent Craig: My name is Agent Craig, and I come from L.O.U.G.H.B.O.R.O.U.G.H.!
Paula Breeze: Loughborough?
Agent Craig: The Legitimate Organisation Undertaking General Humanitarian Business Operations Requiring Optimum Unconditional Global Harmony!
Paula Breeze: Oh, Loughborough! I thought it was pronounced Loo-guh-bor-oug-guh!

Professor Nebulous: Will you please listen to me, Sir Ronald. This dust isn't just something you can sweep under the carpet. Well, technically it is, but that's the problem. We need to confront it.
Ronald Rolands: It's only dust, Nebulous! Surely a quick tidy up will do the job.
Professor Nebulous: I fear even a really good tidy up can't save us now. These are desperate times. Or have you spent so long behind you desk, you can't recognise it!
Ronald Rolands: What, my desk?

Professor Nebulous: They're neither lasers nor stasers, but basers!
Paula Breeze: Oh, what amazing broad knowledge you have, Professor.
Professor Nebulous: Oh, you're looking at the man who invented basers. As a recycling tool for cutting up scrap metal. The baser: a hyper-caustic acid beam housed in a handy gun shaped dispenser. How could I have possibly known that the military would turn it into a weapon?

Agent Craig: We aren't one of these fly-by-night setups.
Rory Lawson: Right, but you do fly by night?
Agent Craig: Oh yeah, a black helicopter's at it's best at night!

Professor Nebulous: Let me tell you something, Doctor Erika Flazenby. You plan simply doesn't hold water. In fact, it repels water, like a duck with a machine gun!

Holofile 333: Madness Is a Strange Colour

Ronald Rolands: One minute I'm in my office ordering the decriminalisation of Lego, the next minute I've gone insane!

Paula Breeze: Oh Professor, how's your windpipe. Shall I kiss it better?
Professor Nebulous: Paula... that's my midriff!

Dr. Valerie Brunerberg: Please, take a seat, Professor.
Professor Nebulous: No thank you, I'd prefer to loom.

Professor Nebulous: When you're as brilliant as I am, vanity is not an issue.

Professor Nebulous: Rory, look into my eyes! I'm going to count down the spectrum. By the time I get to light grey, you should have fallen into a deep sleep. Black, blackish, charcoal, grey, light grey...

[Monk 99 is reading a letter by Sir Ronald Rowlands]
Ronald Rolands:[in note] Dear Monk 99. By the team you read this not, I will be dead!
Monk 99: Oh my Bod!
Ronald Rolands:[in note] Actually, no, forget that, I've changed my mind! I want to live, live, so that others may die!
Monk 99: What do you mean by that?
Ronald Rolands:[in note] I'm not entering into a discourse, I'm a letter! You must draw your own conclusions. Yours sincerely, Sir Ronald Rowlands.

Gemini: I am a Gemini 1100 computer. I was installed on 23rd Octember 2092. Professor Nebulous taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it, I can sing it for you.
Ronald Rolands: Erm... very well.
Gemini: It's called "Oops Upside Your Head". I say oops, upside your head, I say oops upside your head.

Holofile 969: The Coincidence Machine

Professor Nebulous: Gemini… have you switched off our oxygen supply again?
Gemini: Oops, sorry. Should Gemini pop it back on?
Professor Nebulous: Yes, and leave it on this time.

Professor Nebulous: I'm only wore this suit because I spilt some orange on my coffee coloured suit.
Rory Lawson: Weird... I spilt some coffee on my orange suit.
Paula Breeze: You have an orange suit? That's not weird, that's disgusting.

Professor Nebulous: I am inventing and patenting all the time, I invent in my sleep. I don't patent in my sleep, obviously: that's not legally binding.
Paula Breeze: Why, just last week, the professor perfected his new cloaking device!
Professor Nebulous: My new device can help a man on with his cloak at the speed of light.
Ronald Rolands: Really, Nebulous! Who wears a cloak these days?
Professor Nebulous: Matadors! Port barons! And that colony of Scottish widows...

Twin Prime Minister Korechi Yeshamato: We are sympathetic Professor. After all, we are not the ministers of evil!
Professor Nebulous: No, their visit's not till next week. I'm dreading that, I can tell you!

Professor Nebulous: They used to call me the One Musketeer.
Paula Breeze: Did they?
Professor Nebulous: No... they called me Nob-ulous

Professor Nebulous: I'm not saying they're deadly but they are lethal and can kill.

Professor Nebulous: We've already experienced some minor Coinci-clasms, known as Coinci-winci-clasms.
Rory Lawson: Like everyone turning up in the same suit?
Paula Breeze: Or like this morning, when I went to put some milk in my tea, but then I realised I'd already put milk in, but then I put more milk in anyway!
Professor Nebulous: Erm... ish.

Professor Nebulous: The whole of the universe is unravelling into a massive coincidence like a badly knit cardigan caught on the wire of coincidence. A whole sleeve has already gone, and now the collar's starting to unravel. Un-knit 1, un-purl 1, un-knit 1, un...I'm drifting.

Professor Nebulous: McQuasar, we must go into that laboratory and destroy your machine.
Dr Donald McQuasar: Destroy it?! What if we can’t?
Professor Nebulous: We must.
Dr Donald McQuasar: Aye, but what if we really can’t?
Professor Nebulous: We must.
Dr Donald McQuasar: Aye, but I’m just saying we might not be able to, so what then?
Professor Nebulous: Then, we find another way.
Dr Donald McQuasar: I only hope we can.
Professor Nebulous: We must. We truly and only must.
Dr Donald McQuasar: Aye, but...
Professor Nebulous: Shut up!

Paula Breeze: This is uncanny Rory! I seem to have more in common with you than I do with Professor Nebulous.
Rory Lawson: So let me get this straight: we both lost our fathers in the Withering. Your mother works in a Selfridges, while my mother sells fridges!
Paula Breeze: Our favourite colour is battleship mauve, and we've both flirted with Electro-Mormonism.
Rory Lawson: And to cap it all, I'm a Virgo with Libra rising, and you're a virgin with a litre of Riesling!

Dr Donald McQuasar: It's another laboratory just like this one.
Professor Nebulous: A mirror image world. A dopplegang land, identical in every detail. Except for those drapes. They're absolutely repugnent!
Dr Donald McQuasar: I cannae look!
Professor Nebulous: O brave new world, that has such curtains in it.

Professor Nebulous: If you got drunk and indulged in foreplay, I'm sure you had a damn good reason!

Holofile 237: The Man Who Polished The Sun

Professor Nebulous: I worked out Winslow is so rich he could afford to buy his own body weight in diamonds, every hour on the hour, for a whole week, once a year, for the rest of his life, as a treat.”

Professor Nebulous: We've searched K.E.N.T. H.Q. from top to bottom; no cranny unexamined, no nook unlooked-in.
Harry Hayes: If there was a secret listening device, we'd have found it by now!
Professor Nebulous: I felt sure we'd been penetrated by a bugger... I had this... tingling feeling.

Professor Nebulous: Doctor Klench is chap who came to a crossroads in life and took a turning marked evil. He put his foot to the accelerator and he’s not stopping. Not for pedestrians, not for a picnic, not for a toilet break, not… I’m drifting.”

Professor Nebulous: Alright, but look, there’s no need to kill me. You could miniaturise me. I’d be happy with that.
Dr Klench: I'm not doing this to make you happy Nebulous, let’s not cloud the issue.
Professor Nebulous: Did you say clown?
Dr Klench: No I didn’t!

Dr Klench: Nebulous, how dare you drift off while I'm threatening you!

Miss Mathews: Wait, you said this project would bring harmony, but a few minutes ago you were talking about death and domination. I'm confused.
Dr Klench: Miss Mathews, you've worked with me on three previous projects, if you cast your mind back you'll recall they all turned out to be attempts at global domination... you know how I am.
Miss Mathews: You said it'd be different this time.
Dr Klench: It is different this time. All the victims are going to be baked alive by my own personal star. We've not done that before!


Ronald Rolands: I'd like to do what I can, but I'm afraid can't.

Rory Lawson: Bollocks! Sir.

K.E.N.T. employees: K.E.N.T. can do!