Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide

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It's better to be an authentic loser than a false success, and to die alive than to live dead.
William Markiewicz
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Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide is a Nickelodeon comedy series. A boy named Ned gives school survival tips to people in his middle school.

Season 1

Guide to: First Day & Lockers

Ned: It's the first day of school and it could if we totally frightening. But the key will survive and says that when you're ready. Or not.

Loomer: Hey, it's Cocoanut-Head. Hahaha

Cocoanut-Head: AHHHHH!

Moze: ...Braiding hair.

Cookie: Oh, I can braid hair!

Moze and Ned: Don't admit that.

Ned: Having a friend, half man, half machine, does have its advantages.

Jennifer and Ned: Take off that coat!

Cookie: Chicks dig the fluffy coat.

Ms. Dirga: I don't care if your locker's on the "Ice Planet of Hoth!"

Guide to: Detention

Ned: for detention. The teacher is your best friend.

Ned: Let's just say, Cookie took care of them.

Guide to: Best Friends

Cookie (as a temporary Killer Bee): Don't give me that look, I was B-U-S-Y.
Ned: Don't spell at me, I hate it when you spell at me. It is your turn to wash the baby. So wash it!
Cookie (as a temporary Killer Bee): Why don't you get your new best buddy Seth to wash the baby! Oh Seth, party at my house great. Love ya, Bye.
Ned: New tip for the guide, who needs you anyway?

Season 2

Guide to: Excuses

Ned: And make your excuses realistic, because no one is gonna believe that a dog ate your homework.
(a dog runs by and snatches Ned's homework)
Ned: A dog ate my homework!

Guide to: Upperclassmen

Palmer Noid: I like you.
Ned: Please don't!

Guide to: Notebooks

Cookie: When are you going to steal the golden notebook?
Ned: Not steal, Borrow without asking it!

Guide to: Double Dating and The Last Day

Jennifer: (runs to the bathroom) Do not go in there!
Cookie: I'm dead, I'm not going to dance with Vanessa and Lisa Zemo at the same time.
Jennifer: Wait for a merengue song, keep spinning, and hold it for the best.
Ned: Where is Suzie?
Jennifer: She's with Jock.
Ned: No, She's supposed to be with me to kiss!
(Ned farts in the bathroom)
Jennifer: That's it! I'm calling for help!
(Mose dials and calls for help)

Cookie: I can't wait till next year it's the eighth grade and who knows what could happen. (the end of the second season)

Season 3

Guide to: Principals

Ned: If he breaks his neck, he'll be in the hospital! Not in the principal's office!
Cookie: Not one of your best plans.
Gordy: Yeah, especially considering we're on the second floor.

Guide to: Dismissal

Gordy: Oh, and you have 10 seconds to catch the bus. RUN, BOY! (screaming) RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gordy: Making women happy is part of our job as men.

Ned: It is?

Gordy: Yeah! If she's happy, you're happy. And you get kisses!

Gordy: Next thing you know, she'll be asking you to bring her her jacket, and a snack!

Ned's cell phone rings

Ned:It's Suzie! (reads text message out loud to Gordy) Can you bring me my jacket and a snack from the vending machine? P.S I have a surprise for you.

Guide to: Social Studies

Evelyn: That's it, I QUIT! I'd rather get an F than work with you, Cook!

Guide to: Girls

Loomer: How do you know about engines? You're a girl.
Simone: I rebuilt a V-6 with my dad last year. Floored the heads and gave it 30 more horsepower. See ya.

Simone: Take the pistons and the points. See ya.

Amy: I like kissing boys. (Amy kisses Ned)

Guide to: The Library

Librarian: Not accordion to my records!

Gordy: Let's go to chapter 16, Torture!

Ned: Nah let's start from the beginning.

Guide to: Making New Friends

Jennifer: So how did it go with Faymen?
Ned: Something tells me he dosen't like me. Actually, it was him.
Jennifer: You just have to get to know each other, find out what you guys have in common. You both read. There's something. And I like him, and it's important that my best friend likes him.
Ned: Fine.
Jennifer: And got a little treat for you.
Ned: 75 dollars to super nail salon and day spa?
Jennifer: My aunt gave it to me and it expires today. We can get manicures, get our faces scrubbed.
Ned: EHHH!
Jennifer: Guys get manicures all the time.
Ned: Then ask Faymen.
Jennifer: He's got a big soccer practice tonight. Did you know he's like some big soccer prodigy in Brazil?
Ned: Then I suggest you ask a girl.
Jennifer: Of Course. I'll just ask... (crickets chirping)
Jennifer: You know, I'm just gonna pick up the phone and call...
(owl hooting)
Jennifer: I'm the captain of the volleyball team. I'll just get one of my friends on the team to go.
(high-pitched scream)
Cookie: My Pen! My Lucky Pen's gone! GG-GG! I ACED 5 tests with that pen and now I'M GONNA FLUNK and be a flunky.
(ringing bells)
Jennifer: OK. Let's split up. Cooke, you stay here, look for your stupid pen! Ned, you go to study hall, make friends with Faymen.
Ned: AAH!
Jennifer: I'll go to practice and find a girl to go to the spa with.

Guide to: Fund Raising

Gordy: Caaaarbaaaash! Yeah, you hold a car bash! You get an old junky car, and then you charge kids a buck to bash it in with a sledge hammer! We did it in college, we raised over three hundred dollars!.

Guide to: Parties

Seth: (they back him off for an alert) Sorry Simon, but my parents banned you because of what happened last year.
Cookie: What, What did I do? (He puts a record on and play a song where he dances and shakes his butt and breaks a lamp and starts a fire and the smoke alarm goes off) So I almost burned down the house. It wasn't my fault, It's the song that should be banned and not me.
Seth: Yeah sorry, but speaking of fire, did you see Lisa? She is hot. (Cookie says nothing) Laters!
Cookie: But.....(he walks out)

Simone: How dare you! (Simone slaps Seth's face)
Seth: What did I do?
Simone: How dare you not remember what you did! (Simone slaps Seth's face again)
Seth: Who are you?!
Simone: How dare you not remember who I am! (Simone slaps his face and he falls down) Stay away from him!

Guide to: Jealousy

Seth: Hey! Jennifer is my girl bucko!

Seth: (after fighting with Faymen for Mose's honor) We're really tired from girl honor fighting.

Jennifer: STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN SISTER! (tackles Missy)

Guide to: Field Trips, Permission Slips, Signs & Weasels

Jennifer: (about Ned taking the heat for her) He saved me!

Jennifer: Oh, don't tell me you're the freak in the bird costume I heard about.
Cookie: I have a plan.
Jennifer: (sighs)

Crubbs: (to Coconut Head) You were needing to go to the bathroom in the "Electrical Closet". All right, I buy that, for now! But my Bigby senses are still tingling.

Van Earl Wright: Hello, Everybody. Along with my partner Willie Gault, I'm Van Earl Wright welcoming you to Ned's Field Trip. Willie, What do you think about the trip so far?
Willie: Ha, Ha! Well, I think Ned's in deep, deep doody.
Van Earl: Right! Because if he gets caught by a Vice Principal Crubbs, it's summer school and a whole pile of bad stuff. Now more importantly, what do you think about the Suzie/Jennifer dilemma?
Willie: Well, I like Jennifer better than Suzie. I think she's a much better match for Ned, but he's gonna have to figure it out on his own.
Van Earl: All right. Let's get back to the show to see if Ned ends up with Suzie, Jennifer Mozely, or CRUBBS!

Jennifer: What does Suzie have that I don't have?
Cookie: Ned.

Ned: So, maybe we should go out. You know, boyfriend-girlfriend, more than friends?
Jennifer: (as the two hold hands) Holding hands, talking all night, heart-shaped candies on Valentine's Day?
Ned: I'm ready if you are.
Jennifer: Bring it on. (The two share a romantic kiss) Ned and Jennifer: Best field trip ever.

Cookie: (walks in on Jennifer and Ned) Was I interrupting something?
Ned and Jennifer(in unison): We're going out now!
Cookie: Cool!

Moze:Don't tell me you're the freak in the bird suit I heard about. Cookie: Lois Lane likes Superman. Mary Jane likes Spider-Man. And Lisa will love...(reveals symbol on inside of shirt) The Steel Eagle!

Ned: So, Looks like Gordy's done chasing weasels.
Cookie: I got my pizza date with Lisa and I'm going to meet her now.
Jennifer: And now that Ned and I are going out (Ned puts his arm around her), we'll join ya.
Ned: And we all lived happily ever after. (the end of the series to End Credits)


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