Neil Hamburger

From Quotes
Sure I love Goldie. How could you not love Goldie? Everyone loves Goldie. I love her, and I hope our love will continue, but I don't want to give an I-love-Goldie-Hawn interview.
Kurt Russell
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Neil Hamburger is the name of stand-up comedian character rumored to be played by Gregg Turkington. His pacing is off, and he clears his throat nonstop through his entire routine, which is all part of the ultimate goal: to be the world's "worst" stand-up comedian.

Fast Food

  • Why did Ronald McDonald have sex with his sister?

His judgment was impaired from all those years of eating junk food.

  • Why did God create Domino's Pizza?

To punish humanity for their complacency at letting the holocaust happen.

  • Why does Arby's put so much mayonnaise on their sandwiches?

It makes it easier to flush them down the toilet.


  • Why does KFC come in a bucket?

So you have something to throw up into afterwards.

  • Why did the Sanders girls absolutely refuse to eat KFC's extra crispy fried chicken?

It brought back too many memories of their late father's foreskin.

  • Why did Colonel Sanders keep his eleven herbs and spices a secret?

Because he was ashamed of them.

Celebrities/Pop Culture

  • Why did Madonna feed her infant child Alpo dog food?

She had no choice, it's what came out of her breasts.

  • What do you get when you cross Sir Elton John and a saber toothed tiger?

I don't know but you better keep it away from your ass.

  • Did you hear the one about the paparazzi with the heart of gold?

He stole it from Princess Diana as she lay dying in her car.

  • What do you get when you stick a penny in the assholes of each of the five members of Smash Mouth?


  • Why did God give Motley Crew such abnormally large penises?

So that they'd be better equipped at dealing with the pain of life.

  • Why did the farmer start a punk rock band?

Because he was tired of Haulin' Oats.

  • Why did God create herpes?

So Robin Williams could give something to his female fans that they couldn't just turn around and sell on eBay.

  • What is the only thing worse than the new Lindsay Lohan CD?


  • Why did Lindsay Lohan refuse to use the toilet at Courtney Love's house?

Because Ms. Love was already on it, dead.

  • Why did Metallica cut their hair?

It was the only way to get the matted cum out.

  • Why did Julia Roberts rub shit on her vagina?

Because she was horny!

  • Why did Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and The Big Bopper all retire from the music scene at the same time on February 3rd, 1959?

Their vocal chords were damaged in an accident.

  • [asked by Nardwuar to tell a Canadian musician joke]

Why did Burton Cummings leave the Guess Who in 1975?

He had his own album to do.
  • Why did Al-Qaeda, under orders from Osama bin Laden, burn 20,000 copies of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon in the town square of Kabul, Afghanistan?

Because it's a horrible record!

For the sin of sloth.

Paris Hilton

  • Why did God create the Paris Hilton sex videotape?

So retarded people would have something to masturbate to.

  • Why were the guests at Paris Hilton's house party so afraid to drink the apple-based beverage that she was serving?

Because they heard there was semen in cider! (semen inside her)

Courtney Love

  • What's the difference between Courtney Love and a porcupine?

Well if you get pricked with a porcupine's needle, you're not likely to get AIDS.

  • Why won't Courtney Love be having any cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving dinner this year?

Because she'll be dead by then!

Red Hot Chili Peppers

  • What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Harriet Tubman?

Well, of course, the great Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves, while the Red Hot Chili Peppers are slaves to heroin !

  • How many Red Hot Chili Peppers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, it depends on how recently they've shot up !

  • What do the Red Hot Chili Peppers have in common with George W. Bush?

Well, both of them like to shoot up everything in sight!

  • Why are the Red Hot Chili Peppers' veins in danger of collapsing?

Well, because the band has had so many hits !

  • Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers cross the road?

Because they were running away from the rehab clinic!

  • What brand of guitar is favored by Red Hot Chili Peppers' guitarist John Frusciante?

The Meth-a-tome!

  • What did the Red Hot Chili Peppers do when their management informed them that they were not at all happy with the band's latest tracks?

Well, they went out and bought long-sleeve shirts!

  • What do you get when you cross the Red Hot Chili Peppers with an octopus?

Junkies with eight arms to shoot up into!

  • Anthony Kiedis, the Grammy-award winning composer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, finally joined the Mile-High Club!

Yeah, he raped a woman on Mount Everest!

  • What's the diffence between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and a banana?

Well, a banana is high in potassium, while the Red Hot Chili Peppers are high on heroin!

Britney Spears

  • Why did Kevin Federline spray Britney Spears' cesarean section with Lysol disinfectant?

So it would be safe for fucking.

  • Why does Britney Spears sell so many millions of records?

Because the public is horny and depressed.

Other Jokes

  • In which U.S. state did my ex-wife start having sex with the dentist she ended up running off with?

I don't actually know but when I see her in court next month.... i'llaska!!!

  • I went to see an aromatherapist the other day... and she had bad breath.
  • How many Scientologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well it depends on whether they've been cleared of their engrams.

  • Did you hear the one about the pregnant bedbug?

Yeah, she gave birth in the spring !

  • Why did E.T.: the Extraterrestrial love Reese's Pieces so much?

Well, because they have the same flavor that cum does on his home planet!

Neil: You rapists!
Eric: (offended) Sir, we don't appreciate being called rapists.
Neil: Then don't rape!
  • Why don't rapists eat at TGI Friday's?

Well, it's hard to go out and rape when you have a stomachache!

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