Nick DiPaolo

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Nick DiPaolo (born January 31, 1962) is a stand-up comedian and writer.


  • If hooking a car battery up to a monkey's brain will help find the cure for AIDS and save somebody's life, I have two things to say … the red is positive and the black is negative.
    • Attributed by Mikkelson, Barbara and David P. (1 November 2004). "T. Bubba Bechtol". Urban Legends Reference Pages. Retrieved on 2007-04-25.
    • Possibly quoted earlier in Thomas, Lois, "Comedian's Down-Home Style Attracts Audience", Knoxville News-Sentinel, 21 April 1999, p. S12.
    • Was written by Nick Di Paolo around 1992, when he did a half hour special on MTV called Kamikaze TV. Was also copyrighted by Nick Di Paolo on his CD BORN THIS WAY in 1998. Bubba Bechtol "borrowed" the bit and said it on the radio one day - without acknowledging the writer and everyone assumed it was his own original material. It was not - it was and still belongs to Nick Di Paolo


  • 'We took him to the Olive Garden.' What? The A&P ran out of Spaghetti-O's?
  • I went to the emergency room recently. I don't want to say the wait was long, but the guy in front of me was being treated for a musket wound.
  • There's a woman right now pregnant with nine kids, she says she wants to have them naturally. Nine kids? That's gonna look like the exit to Chuck E. Cheese at closing time. Her umbilical cord must look the back of an entertainment center. Can I cut this? Does this hook up to the TV, VCR, to Bobby, to Sharon, to Timmy?

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