Omid Djalili

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Omid Djalili (pronounced "Omeed Jaleelee", Persian: امید جلیلی ‎ , born September 30, 1965) is an Iranian-English stand-up comedian and actor.


  • I have to be sensitive to the fact that I am in a big theatre this year, and kids come to my show now, so I am trying to be more vigilant about offending. I still want to be truthful to what I say, but without alienating anybody.
  • It was surreal, ... The audience at the taping started chanting, 'USA, USA, USA.'
  • It was a very scary moment, ... To get back with the crowd I scanned every file of my mind for the funniest joke I could think of. I can't think of what that joke is, but it won the crowd back. But I must say that, after the 'death to America' joke, my set got so confused.
  • I'm a British Iranian. That means that half of me's instinctively anti-American.... and the other half's exactly the same.

No Agenda (2007)

  • Its so bloody hot in Iran that women have developed a fanning system underneath their veils. Jealous poor women looking over; "Oh, she's got the deluxe model, bollocks!" - On Iran.
  • What do you call an honest Iranian businessman? Asif.
  • Its part of a comedy cultural exchange tour: tonight, I am doing the UK and Jim Davidson is being buggered in Baghdad right now, systematically and without cessation, by United States Troops! Such fun.
  • So a Jewish kid goes up to his dad and asks "Dad, can I have 50p?", his dad goes "30p? What you want 20p for? I ain't got 10p! Here's 5p, share it with your sister!"
  • Semtex... with nout taken out! - Imitating suicide bombers from Leeds.
  • Whoopi Goldberg is so funny; she told me when we saw a woman with really bushy armpits "My god, it looks like she's got Don King in a headlock!"
  • A Persian Cat! Not an Iranian cat, no: an Iranian cat HAS A BOMB UNDER THE BODY WARMER! - On Persian cats.
  • I am the only Iranian comedian in the world... and that's three more than Germany!
  • Mo-fucka... - On TV's big rappers.

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