One Foot In The Grave

From Quotes
In Texas, years ago, almost all of the oil came from surface operations. Then someone got the idea that there were greater sources of supply deeper down. A well was drilled five thousand feet deep. The result? A gusher. Too many of us operate on the surface. We never go deep enough to find supernatural resources. The result is, we never operate at our best. More time and investment is involved to go deep but a gusher will pay off.
Alfred A. Montapert
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One Foot In The Grave was a BBC television situation comedy series written by David Renwick, which aired from 1990 to 2000.

Victor Meldrew

  • What language are you talking in now? It appears to be Bollocks!

Victor Meldrew, from the episode The Trial.

  • I asked him if, for the time being, he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me, and you know what he's done? He's only planted it in the pan! Yes, actually in the lavatory pan, with compost and everything! I mean, how anyone can be so utterly goofy just boggles the mind... a mistake anyone could have made? Are you stark... I mean, what am I supposed to do, cock my leg against the trunk like a Yorkshire terrier?

Victor Meldrew

  • I don't believe it!/I do not Believe it!

Victor Meldrew, from the episode The Beast In The Cage.

  • The first 50 miles on the go all the way- your sense of direction- bowling along. Get past 60 and everything slows down to a sudden crawl and you realize you're not going anywhere any more. All the things you thought you were going to do that never came to anything. You can't turn the clock back- it's one way traffic just gradually grinding to a halt.

Victor Meldrew, from the episode The Man Who Blew Away.

  • What's the difference between Victor Meldrew and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?...They're both useless tossers!! Wha--, well that's incorrect, that's not the difference, that's what we have in common!

Victor Meldrew, said when he found out that someone had been tampering with the jokes in the christmas crackers.

Victor Meldrew, from the episode The Beast In The Cage.

  • Huh just typical... have you read this? A man in South London was arrested the other day when a dead body was found in the boot of his car. Though interestingly this somehow was overlooked when the car went in for its MOT the day before!

Nick Swainey

  • I remember you Mr. Meldrew. The last time we met you told me to piss off.

Said by Mr Swainey in a jokingly fashion.

  • Wakey, wakey, everyone! It's a beautiful morning! I've just been watching two frogs having sex!


  • The following conversation surrounds the scene where Mrs. Warboys was meant to get Victor's dry-cleaning. She instead brought back a gorilla costume.

Victor Meldrew: What's this!

Mrs Warboys: Oh, yes. She said they got almost all the beetroot out. Myself, I can hardly see a thing.

Victor Meldrew: No! This! I mean... This isn't my suit!

Mrs Warboys: Isn't it?

Victor Meldrew: Of course it... Where in the name of sanity did it come from?

Mrs Warboys: Oh, don't tell they mixed up the tickets again.

Victor Meldrew: Mixed up the... You must have seen it as a mistake when they brought it out!

Mrs Warboys: Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I?

Victor Meldrew: Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! I mean where do you think I shop? King Kong at C&A!

Victor Meldrew, and Mrs Warboys, in one of their many arguments.

  • The following conversation surrounds the scene in the episode, The Beast In The Cage, where a yuppie proceeds to talk to two ladies in a car on the other side of Victor's in a traffic jam, yet talking through Victor's car.

A man leans forward and proceeds to talk to Victor...

Salmon: So recession on recession. I've got two salons in North London both doing serious business. The way I look at it, the economy may stop growing, but your hair doesn't, know what I'm saying? So I'm now looking for a third outlet in Pimleco. Probably opening next summer. So you just pop along, mention my name, and get a free shampoo and set on the house. Just say your friends with Mr. Salmon.

It is then noticed that Salmon is acually talking to two women in the car beside Victor's, but is doing so through Victors car window...

Lisa: Oh, I don't know.

Carol: Sounds a bit fishy to me.

Lisa: You could be anybody.

Salmon: Well you'll just have to trust me, won't you my sweet heart. I'll tell you what, you can have a full perm for half price. What did you say your name was?

Lisa: Lisa.

Salmon: Lisa. And your friend?

Carol: Carol.

Salmon: Carrol. You can have the full works. Cut, dyed and blow dried all at twenty percent discount. And I might even take you out for a drink after now I can't say fairer then that can I?

Lisa: How do you know I'm not a natural blonde?

Salmon: Well that's for you to prove otherwise isn't it.

Victor Meldrew: Oh, for God's sake! I think I may throw up!

Salmon: Sorry whats your problem matey?

Victor Meldrew: Why don't you just dangle your private parts out the window for goodness sake?!

Carol Who asked you to shove your nose in you miserable old Fart.

Victor Meldrew: I'll shove my nose in where ever i want, this is my air space when you've quite finished conducting your sex lives through the middle of it! My car's being used as a bloody contraceptive.