Only Fools and Horses

From Quotes
Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier.
Margaret Young
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Only Fools and Horses was a British television sitcom which aired on BBC for seven seasons, nineteen Christmas specials, and six special editions, from 1981 to 2003.

Contents

Theme Tune

Opening

Stick a pony in me pocket
I'll fetch the suitcase from the van.
'Cos if you want the best uns,
but you don't ask questions,
Then brother, I'm your man.
'Cos where it all comes from is a mystery,
It's like the changing of the seasons,
and the tides of the sea.
But here's the one that's driving me berserk,
Why do only fools and horses work?
La la la la, la la la la la, la la la la

Closing

We've got some half price cracked ice
and miles and miles of carpet tiles
TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
Pool games, gold chains, whatsanames, and at a push
Some Trevor Francis track suits
From a mush in Shepherds Bush
Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush!
No income tax, no VAT
no money back, no guarantee
Black or white, rich or broke
we'll cut prices at a stroke....
God bless Hooky Street.
Viva Hooky Street
Long live Hooky Street
C'est magnifique, Hooky Street
Magnifique, Hooky Street
Hooky Street

Series 1 (1981)

Big Brother [1.1]

[First lines of the series]

Grandad: (watching TV) That Sidney Potter's a good actor, ain't he Rodney? He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.
Rodney: Yeah knock out Grandad. Sidney Potter?
Grandad: Yeah, you know him. Always plays the black fella.
Rodney: Sidney Potier!
Grandad: Sidney Potter.

[They continue to argue until Del Boy walks in.]

Del Boy: Are you two at it again?
Rodney: Del. How do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly? Sidney Poitier or Potter?
Del Boy: Personally, I'd pronounce it Harry Belafonte, but you two please yourselves.

Del Boy: (to Rodney) What are you doing?
Rodney: Our accounts.
Del Boy: You keeping accounts now?! (to Grandad) Well, there you are Grandad. A lot of people said I was a right dipstick to make my brother a partner in the business. But this only goes to prove how bloody right they were!

Del Boy: (trying to explain to Rodney why Trotters Independent Traders never pays taxes) We don't pay V.A.T, we don't pay income tax or national insurance. On the other hand, we don't claim dole money, social security, supplementary benefit... The government don't give us nothing, so we don't give the government nothing.

Rodney: (when Rodney first meets Trigger) Why do they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun?
Del Boy: No. It's because he looks like a horse.

Del Boy: You know what happened to the real Trigger don't you? Roy Rogers had him stuffed.

Grandad: (to Rodney about Del) Your dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top, then again he always used to say that one day Millwall would win the cup!

Rodney: I saw myself more in the capacity of a financial advisor.
Del Boy: A financial advisor?! Bonjour Trieste! You are beautiful, you are, Rodney! Today, I almost clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for £175. When my "financial advisor" stuck his nose in, and advised me to pay £200. Right? And now, having paid the £200, my "financial advisor" now advises me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river! Now, with financial advisors like that, who needs a bleedin' RECESSION?

Go West Young Man [1.2]

Grandad: You wouldn't remember when I married your grandmother.
Del Boy: (sarcastically) No.

Del Boy: It's been so long that Rodney had a bit on the side, he didn't know they'd moved it.

Rodney: I'm gonna do what Monica was doing last night!
Del Boy: Going dancing with Mickey Pearce?

[Del wonders why Rodney took him to a peculiar club.]

Rodney: It looked all right from the outside.
Del Boy: It looked all right from the outside? That's what the Christians said about the Colosseum!

Michelle: (asking Rodney which tennis turf he likes playing on) What do you prefer? Astroturf or grass?
Rodney: I don't know, I've never smoked astroturf!

Del Boy: (hurriedly, after talking to a couple of "women") Drink up, we're leaving
Rodney: Why? Are they a couple of ravers?
Del Boy: No, they're a couple of geezers!"

Rodney: (telling Del what he has just accidentally done in the car on their way home) Del,you know that cigar packet you just gave me... I chucked out the window about a mile and a half back.
Del Boy: You what? You Pranny!!!!

[After Del brakes suddenly, another car a Cortina, smashes into the Jaguar he and Rodney are sitting in. The Cortina is driven by the Australian man.]


Cash and Curry [1.3]

Rodney: Are you all right, Del? I thought you was in bother!
Del Boy: That's why it took you an hour and a half to come! Didn't Grandad tell you that I'd called?
Rodney: Oh yeah, he told me! "Del Boy's been captured by the Indians!" he said. I didn't know whether to call the police or the Texas Rangers!

Vimmal: I thought you were right-handed.
Del Boy: No, I'm ambiguous.

Mr Rahn: If I got into my car at 9:00 in the morning, it'd take me up to 2 in the afternoon to drive around my land.
Rodney: We had a car like that once.

[Del and Rodney have found out that Vimmal has left London with Mr. Rahn.]

Rodney: No sign of Vimmal?
Del Boy: No, he packed his bags and had it away on his toes five minutes after we left! As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night's Dream: "We've been done up like a couple of kippers."

[Del and Rodney reveal to the waiter in "Rahn's" restaurant that they paid £2000 for the statue]

Waiter: £2000? Why, you can get them for £17 in Portobello Road! It's amazing how much you can save if you shop around

The Second Time Around [1.4]

Pauline: You never married yourself Del?
Del Boy: No, no no, I never fancied myself!

[Rodney is not impressed by Pauline.]

Del Boy: You don't have romantic feelings, you. You just have animal urges. Sometimes I think you've learned the art of seduction by watching Wildlife on One.

Del Boy: Look at that Rodney, she's only had two husbands die on her.
Rodney: Yeah? One more and she keeps the match ball, don't she?

A Slow Bus To Chingford [1.5]

Del Boy: My only worry is, is a 59-seater bus gonna be big enough?
Grandad: A tandem would be too big!

Del Boy: This time next year, we'll be millionaires!
Grandad: You said that this time last year!

Del Boy: As dear old Mum used to say, "It's better to know you've lost than not to know you've won." Dear old Mum... she used to say some bloody stupid things.

The Russians Are Coming [1.6]

Del Boy: I'm not a ruthless mercenary. Who is it that goes around the estate every Christmas time, making sure all the old people have got enough to eat and drink?
Rodney: Yeah, and who was it, during the Brixton riot, that drove down in the van, selling paving stones to the rioters? I mean, what did you think they were going to do with them, eh? All run off home and start building patios?
Del Boy: Mine is not to reason why, mine is to sell and buy.

[Del and Rodney are in the flat, discussing the British response to a World War III.]

Rodney: And what have we got in this country to combat the might of the Soviet Union? Three Jump Jets and a strongly worded letter to the Russian ambassador.

Rodney: I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.
Del Boy: What principle?
Rodney: Well, on the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.

[Del and Rodney have just been stopped by a police officer during their attempt to beat the four minute warning to get to Grandad's allotment. The police officer has just walks off].

Del Boy: How are we doing for time Rodney?
Rodney: (looking at his watch) Erm, we died 45 seconds ago.

Christmas Special (1981)

Christmas Crackers

Grandad: I don't know why they have these drug addiction centres. Aren't there enough drug addicts about as it is?

Del Boy: (to Rodney, in the Monte Carlo Club) I've heard your line of patter my son. If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result it's goodnight Vienna, innit?

Series 2 (1982)

The Long Legs of the Law [2.1]

[Grandad is insulted by Rodney's lack of respect for the Trotter family honour]

Grandad: You've always been a bad 'un, Rodney.
Rodney: What, 'cos I didn't wear a crash helmet?
Grandad: I mean smoking mari-jew-arna!

Del Boy: [after Rodney goes on a date with a policewoman] One minute you're walking along quite nicely, and the next minute... Whack! Life jumps out and gives you sobering thoughts.
Grandad: Oh, I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time, Del Boy. It were them that started me drinking.
Del Boy: Yeah, I can understand that. The boy's grown into a man. I don't, I don't feel as needed as I used to be. Soon he'll, he'll fly the nest! But you know what the most sobering thought of the lot is? One wrong word from that plonker Rodney and I could end up doing five years!

Grandad: (to Sandra) Rodney's got a police record!
Del Boy: That's right, it's "Walking on the Moon"!

Sandra: Now, what do you think my commanding officer would do if he found me in possession of stolen property?
Rodney: Put you in charge of the Christmas Club more like.

Ashes to Ashes [2.2]

[At Trigger's grandad's funeral]

Trigger: You knew my granddad, Arthur, didn't you?
Granddad: Oh yeah, I knew Arthur alright.
Trigger: He was a smashing man. He took care of me after my mum went.
Rodney: Where was your dad?
Trigger: He died a couple of years before I was born.

[Rodney nods, then works out what's wrong with that sentence]


Rodney: It's Arthur's Ashes!
Del Boy: Arthur's Ashes? He's the black guy who won Wimbeldon right?

Del Boy: Do you Know any hymns?
Rodney: Er "We Three Kings of Orient Are".
Del Boy & Rodney: (singing) We Three Kings...
Del Boy: (suddenly stops) That's a Christmas carol, you wally.

A Losing Streak [2.3]

Grandad: You play cards again last night?
Del Boy: Hmm... Yeah. You know me, eh: he who dares, wins.
Grandad: How did you get on?
Del Boy: I lost.

Del Boy: You are giving my arse a headache, Rodney!

Del Boy: Beneath all this finery, there lies... a berk. Now that surprises you dunnit?
Rodney: No.

[Del places a few £10 notes on the table]

Boycie: Is that all you've got Del?
Del Boy: uh no, no (nudging his head towards Rodney), Rodney's got the rest of it...
Rodney: Have I? Oh yeah... here's the four pounds thirty-two pence for the empties I took back...

[Del has just beaten Boycie in their poker game]

Boycie: (grudgingly) Well done, Del. Nicely played. (whispers) Where did you get those four bloody Aces from?
Del Boy: Same place you got those Kings. I knew you was cheating, Boycie.
Boycie: Oh yeah, how?
Del Boy: Because that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.

No Greater Love [2.4]

Rodney: (to himself on spotting that picture of Tommy whilst alone in the room) Bloody Hell, he's a big bloke!

Irene: You'd better tell me your name, it'll get a bit embarrasing if I have to call you "Thingy" all night!
Rodney: My name's Rodney.
Irene: Irene.
Rodney: No, Rodney.

[At the dinner table]

Del Boy: How old is she, 20?
Rodney: No, she's about, 30!
Del Boy: How old is "about 30"?
Rodney: 40!
Del Boy: (coughing) 40! 40? Stone me Rodney.
Rodney: What's wrong with going out with a woman of 40?
Del Boy: Nothing. Nothing at all, if you happen to be 50! Blimey, she's even too old for me!
Grandad: Well I'd have to think twice!

[Del Boy meeting Tommy Mackay.]

Del Boy: Oh, but it was only a friendly drink.
Tommy Mackay: But I'm not a friendly geezer. And that kind of thing makes me really angry! I'm gonna teach you a lesson you'll remember for the rest of your life, Rodney, my old son!
Del Boy: Now let's not be hasty, eh? Rodney? Did you say Rodney?
Tommy Mackay: Yeah that's right, Rodney Trotter, that's you, annit?
Del Boy: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah I'm... I'm Rodney Trotter, yeah!
Tommy: Good, okay, Leroy, give him some air!
Del: (to Tommy and Leroy after his camel coat lands in a puddle before the fight) Now look what you made do! That was a brand new coat!!

The Yellow Peril [2.5]

[A cat escapes from Mr Chin's Golden Lotus restaurant.]

Del Boy: Don't let him go! That's not gonna please Mr Chin, ain't it?
Rodney: Was it his pet?
Del Boy: No, but number 39 is off the menu.

Rodney: What have you been up to, Del?
Del Boy: Oh, bits and pieces.
Rodney: Where have you been?
Del Boy: Here and back.
Rodney: So what have you been doing?
Del Boy: This and that.
Rodney: As long as I know.
Grandad: I thought you'd winkle it out of him in the end.

Rodney: You swore to me it wasn't nicked. Bankrupt stock you said.
Del Boy: British Rail, same thing init?

Grandad: (on the telephone) Oh, hello Mr. Chin. No Del's gone out. I'm not sure... Where have you gone to, Del?

(Del on the telephone to Mr. Chin; Mr. Chin's kitchen walls are luminous yellow)
Mr. Chin: Don't you "Hello Mr. Chin" me! What have you done to my walls?!
Del Boy: Glowing are they? Tell them not to be frightened, cos this is new energy saving paint we're using. It's designed to cut down on the electricity bills. Yeah. Yes. Yes, I understand. I'll be round to see you first thing in the morning. (puts the receiver down)
Rodney: Does he want his money back?
Del Boy: No he wants you to go round tomorrow and do out his living room in it!

It Never Rains... [2.6]

Rodney: You were gunrunning in the middle of a civil war?
Grandad: Well, that's the best time to do it. Supply and demand.
Rodney: You dirty, old mercenary.
Grandad: We didn't do it purely for financial gain. Oh no, we both felt a deep commitment to a political cause.
Del Boy: Which side were selling to?
Grandad: Whichever side had the most money, really.

Grandad: (in the cell, recounting his earlier experience with the Spanish authorities) ...they took Nobby away; tortured him... all through the night, you could hear his screams!
Rodney: Woke you up at one point I bet!
Grandad: (shaking his head) The last thing on my mind was sleep, but no matter how hard they tried, Nobby wouldn't say a word... and then it were my turn...
Rodney: (briefly concerned) What... they tortured you?
Grandad: No... but they would have done if I hadn't told them everything I knew!

A Touch of Glass [2.7]

[The Trotters have just finished attending an auction.]

Del Boy: Can you manage, Grandad?
Grandad: Yeah, I think so, Del.
Del Boy: Mind your hernia! That's not bad, you know? I reckon we done well there.
Grandad: Waste of money if you ask me, come all this way an'all.
Del Boy: What'd you mean a waste of money? They're beautiful! Not only are they exquisite ornaments, guaranteed to brighten any sideboard, they are also a revolving musical box!
Rodney: They are china cats that play "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window."
Del Boy: What d'you want for £1.25, "Okla-bleedin-homa"?!
Rodney: Don't you think it's a bit sick? A cat playing a song about a dog.
Del Boy: No, it means they're unique.
Grandad: It means there was a balls-up at the factory and they put the wrong chimes in.

Del Boy: When a North Korean came to live in London, he thought that Battersea dog's home was a takeway.

[The chandelier has just fallen down and smashed. Grandad walks downstairs]

Grandad: Alright, Del Boy.
Del Boy: Alright? Look at it!
Grandad: Did you drop it Del?
Rodney: How could we drop it? We never even had hold of it. We was working on that one.
Grandad: Well I wish you'd said something, 'cos I was working on this one.

Christmas Specials (1982)

Christmas Trees

Vicar: I have become dismayed, even shocked by the attitude of youth - but today you walked into this church and offered us this tree simply because you care. You have rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked is it?

Diamonds Are for Heather

Del Boy: (commenting on the chicken he's been eating at the Nag's Head) Tough? Tough? It's the toughest chicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice!

Heather: (after listening to Old Shep) Did you have an old dog?
Del Boy: I've had many old dogs in my time!

Series 3 (1983)

Homesick [3.1]

Del Boy: There are 2,000 stories in the Naked City and this plonker is looking for a basket on wheels.

[Rodney is looking for crimes to report at the tenants' meeting.]

Del Boy: Well, why don't you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then?
Rodney: Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then?
Del Boy: Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.
Rodney: No! Did she report it?
Del Boy: Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station.
Rodney: Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... Hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?
Del Boy: Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced.

Rodney: She's very intelligent actually. We got on really well.
Del Boy: Yeah, they do say opposites attract, don't they?

[Dr. Becker has examined Grandad.]

Dr. Becker: Don't worry, he's got legs like Nijinsky.
Del Boy: (puzzled) Nijinsky is a racehorse.
Rodney: No, Del, he means Nijinsky the Russian ballet dancer.
Dr. Becker: No I don't!

Grandad: (bedbound) Del Boy, I'd like to be cremated.
Del Boy: Well you'll have to wait till the morning, 'cuz they'll be closed now!

Healthy Competition [3.2]

Rodney: I am 24 years old, I have two GSEs, thirteen years of schooling and three terms at an adult education centre behind me, right? And with all that, what have I become? I am a lookout.
Del Boy: No, Rodney, you're wrong. You're not just a lookout, you're a bad lookout!

Mickey Pearce: What are these things?
Del Boy: Those? They are lawnmower engines.
Rodney: Lawnmower engines?
Del Boy: Listen, they're not ordinary lawnmower engines.
Rodney: (interested) No?
Del Boy: No, they're broken lawnmower engines.

Del Boy: Well, I've gotta admire yer bottle Rodders - I must admit. You've been in the business five minutes and already you've opened up a Spanish branch. You've cornered the World market on broken lawnmower engines - what's your partner doing now, is he buying second-hand pedalos?
Rodney: No, no, no, nothing like that, no, we're - we're going into the self-catering holiday trade.
Del Boy: Cor, what on 200 nicker?
Rodney: Yeah well, we're starting in a small way.
Grandad: What you got, a Wendy House?

Friday the 14th [3.3]

Rodney: Boycie would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate.

Del Boy: When we see the gamekeeper, when we get down there, we pay him 25 quid.
Rodney: What? And he gives us a fishing permit?
Del Boy: No, he shows us the hole in the fence.
Rodney: I knew it.
Del Boy: It's called business.
Rodney: It's called stealing!
Grandad: No it ain't, Rodney.
Del Boy: Listen to your grandad.
Grandad: It's called poaching.

Policeman: They called him the Axe Murderer. He murdered a group of local fisherman. (Del and Rodney look at each other nervously) Oh well. Have a nice weekend.

Del Boy: It's blowing a ruddy typhoid out there!
Rodney: It's a typhoon...
Del Boy: Hmm? Oh, good idea Rodney, stick the kettle on. We'll have a nice cup of tea.

Rodney: Ah, Picadilly. Right, that's mine and I have a hotel, so that's twelve hundred pounds.
Grandad: Twelve hundred pounds for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?
Rodney: What?
Grandad: All them sewers. I'd rather sleep in the car, or look for a bed and breakfast.
Rodney: No, you don't understand. Bless his little...look, it's in the rules.
Grandad: Twelve hundred quid-it's scandalous. I ain't a tourist you know.

Del Boy: Ah, Park Lane, I think that's one of my properties Rodney.
Rodney: Course it is. You own everything on the board.
Del Boy: No I don't, no I don't. Look, you've got Coventry Street, Grandad has the waterworks and all that. Ah yeah, Park Lane with one hotel, two thousand please.
Rodney: Two... hold on, according to this it's only fifteen hundred.
Del Boy: Yes I know, but I've put you in the penthouse suite haven't I?

Grandad: He's a psycho!
Chief of Security/Axe Murderer: Do you have any idea what a "psycho", as you so eloquently put it, is?
Grandad: Of course I have. He is a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes.

Chief of Security/Axe Murderer: Is that a police helicopter?
Del Boy: No, it's Barratts!

Yesterday Never Comes [3.4]

[Rodney is sceptical about Del's latest acquisition.]

Del Boy: You don't know nothing about antiques, do you? I mean, you know, dealers often put little holes in items like these to give it that sort of distressed look.
Rodney: Distressed? Del, this thing looks panic-stricken.

Rodney: Del, for once in your life be yourself, right? And you don't need none of them soppy French phrases neither.
Del Boy: What do you mean, "soppy phrases"? La bonne vie, you stupid ...
Rodney: See what I mean? Del, you can't speak French. You're still struggling with English.
Del Boy: What is it with you, Rodney? Do you like hospital food or something?
Rodney: I'm just being honest with you. Let's face it, Del, most of your French phrases come straight out of Citroën manuals, don't they?

May The Force Be With You [3.5]

Rodney: Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.
Trigger: You've got a hat now, have you, Dave?

[The Trotters are in seperate cells, the scene shifts to each of them one by one.]

DCI Roy Slater: Right! Down to business! The face that dropped the microwave oven in the market! What did he look like?
Del Boy': Oh, he was about average height.
Grandad: He was a great big tall fella!
Rodney: Oh, he was little more than a dwarf!
Grandad: Age?
Rodney: About 25.
Grandad: Middle 50's!
Del Boy': He was just a kid!
DCI Roy Slater: What about his ethnic group?
Del Boy': Well, I didn't notice anyone with him!
DCI Roy Slater: No, I mean was he Caucasian?
Grandad: No he was a white fella!
Rodney: He was African, I think!

DCI Roy Slater: Sorry did you want a cup of tea, Del?
Del Boy: No it's alright Slater, I had one yesterday.

Wanted [3.6]

Del Boy: Who are you two after? Not the gruesome twosome, are you?
Mickey Pearce: They're alright!
Del Boy: What do you mean, "alright"? They are so ugly that they even look alike.
Rodney: Del, they happen to be sisters.
Del Boy: Sisters? (to the girls) Oy, girls! Seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?

Del Boy: You don't want to see what it's like in the early hours, Grandad. It's like the end of the world. It's full of drug addicts, glue sniffers, winos. Do you know what? If a nightingale sang now in Berkeley Square, someone would eat it.

Rodney: I have had nothing to eat since I've been here.
Del Boy: Why's that? Been too frightened?
Rodney: No, I forgot the tin opener.
Del Boy: Why didn't you pop down for it?
Rodney: Del, desperate men on the run don't pop home to borrow a tin opener.

Who's a Pretty Boy? [3.7]

Karen (bar maid): Do you know that overcoat you sold my dad?
Del Boy: Yeah?
Karen (bar maid): It's got a great, big lump in the back.
Del Boy: Of course! It's genuine camel hair, ain't it?

Denzil: He's cool, I like it. I tell you, if he wasn't so white, I'd swear he was black.
Del Boy: Yeah, he is white, ain't he?
Denzil: The whitest man I've ever seen in all my life.
Rodney: I'm not ever so white!
Del Boy: You are. You'd make an albino look bronzed.

[Del, Rodney and Grandad think that they have accidentally killed Corinne's canary.]

Del Boy: We gotta think of a way out of this.
Rodney: I got it! We could say it was caused by paint fumes.
Del Boy: Paint fumes? When Corinne comes back in here, she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered, her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath and she's got a Kentucky Fried Canary at the bottom of her cage. And we're gonna say it's paint fumes?

[Del and Mike, discussing Mike's plan to have the pub redecorated; Brendan has already offered to do it for £1000.]

Del Boy: I might be able to offer you a much better deal my son. I could get this pub decorated to the exact same standard as Brendan, and it would cost your brewery a mere £2000.
Rodney: £2000?
Grandad: That must be a tempting offer, eh Rodney?
Rodney:Well he's a born businessman isnt he?
Mike:Hang about, hang about. Why should I turn down an offer of £1000 and accept one of £2000?
Del Boy: Cos of all the advantages it has to offer, like my specialised profit sharing scheme. Let me explain how it works. The £2000 would be disbursed thus: there would be £500 for vu. £500 for ve.
Mike: What you mean I get 500 quid?
Del Boy: Oh yes.
Mike: And what happens to the £1000 that's left over?
Del Boy: We give that to the Irishman and let him do the job.
Mike: (grinning) We got a deal, Mr Trotter.

Christmas Special (1983)

Thicker than Water

Reg: I never raised a hand to your mother Rodney, except in self-defence!

Grandad: Hospital bed? What's wrong with you Reggie?
Del Boy: Something serious I hope!

Del Boy: (talking about his father) Don't be fooled by him Rodney. He's had everything from Galloping Lurgy to Saturday Night Fever! I was doing some homework once and I asked him what a cubic foot was. He said he didn't know but he tried to have a week off work with it!

Del Boy: It's a right blinding Christmas this has turned out to be init. I mean some people get wise men bearing gifts, we get a wally with a disease.

Rodney: You're only one letter out! Look, the only difference between us is a B.
Del: Yeah and we all know what the B stands for!

Del Boy: (after finding out that his father faked an illness) They ran his name through the computer but they didn't have a patient called Trotter. But they did have a porter called Trotter. He left two weeks ago with 57 blankets, 133 pair of rubber gloves and the chief gynaecologist's Lambretta!!

Educational Special (1984)

Licensed to Drill

Del Boy: Don't you get septic with me Rodney!

Del Boy: (pointing to an assortment of household items made from crude oil) What have all these things got in common?
Rodney: They’re all nicked?

Series 4 (1985)

Happy Returns [4.1]

June: (about her son Jason) I think he misses his dad.
Del Boy: Yeah, I used to miss my dad. Until I learned to punch straight ...

June: You had a kid brother. Rodney! How is he?
Del Boy: He's alright. He's just reached that awkward age, you know. He's a bit like a trifle.
June: What do you mean? All mixed up?
Del Boy: No, he's thick and fruity.

Del Boy: What are you up to, Mickey?
Mickey Pearce: I've just come back from evening school. I'm learning aikido.
Del Boy: Really? Go on then, say something.

Rodney: (about Debbie) I've just met the first girl in my life who really means something to me, and it turns out to be my bloody niece!
Del Boy: Alright, Rodney. Come on, that's why I had to tell you, you see, 'cos this sort of thing ain't allowed - it's... well, it's incense! Say you had got married to her - you can see what sort of confusion that would have led to, I would have been your father-in-law!
Rodney: Bloody hell!
Del Boy: Yer mother-in-law would have been yer aunt, yer wife would have been yer second cousin - Gawd knows what that would have made Grandad - the fairy godmother I should think.

Strained Relations [4.2]

Uncle Albert: Your name Rodney, son?
Rodney: Well, it is when Trigger's not about!

Uncle Albert: Do you know I was torpedoed five times?
Rodney: Yeah?
Uncle Albert: Yeah. Do you know what they called me?
Rodney: Jonah?
Uncle Albert: No, they didn't call me "Jonah", ... not many of them. They used to call me "Boomerang Trotter" cause I always came back.

[Rodney accuses Del of getting over Grandad's death so quickly.]

Del Boy: Get over it?! What a plonker you really are Rodney. Get over it. I ain't even started yet!!! Ain't even started bruv! And d'you know why? Because I don't know how to!!! That's why I've survived all my life with a smile and a prayer! I'm Del Boy ain't I! Good old Del Boy - he's got more bounce than Zebedee! "'Ere you are pal, what you drinking? Go on! Hello darling, you have one for luck!!" That's me, that's Del Boy innit? Nothing ever upsets Del Boy. I've always played the tough guy! I didn't want to, but I had to and I've played it for so long now, I don't know how to be anything else! I don't even know how to... Oh it don't matter! Bloody family! I've finished with 'em! What do they do to you, eh? They hold you back, drag you down, (on the verge of tears) and then they break yer bloody heart!
Rodney: (whispers) I'm sorry.

Del Boy: I'll have a Malibu & tonic with some lime and half a lager, please, darling.
Maureen (bar maid): In the same glass?
Del Boy: No, in separate glasses if you don't mind.
Maureen (bar maid): Well, I don't know, do I? Might have been one of your erotic cocktails, Del.

Hole in One [4.3]

Rodney: I've been thinking ...
Del Boy: Leave it out, Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is.

Rodney: (after Albert fell down the open cellar door of the Nag's Head) There's nothing wrong with him. He said so himself.
Del Boy: How does he know that? He might have hit his head and got percussion.

Del Boy: The worstest thing of all, Your Honour, is these sudden bouts of amnesia. They have led to him having some very nasty falls.
Judge: I fail to see the connection. How can amnesia cause one to fall?
Del Boy: He keeps forgetting he can't walk.

[Everybody in the court room, including Rodney and Del, discover that Albert learned how to fall without injuring himself in order to gain compensation.]

Del Boy: The only hole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutá.

Del Boy: (about Albert) He's been down more holes than Tony Jacklin!

It's Only Rock and Roll [4.4]

Mental Mickey: We like looking like this. We're Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.
Rodney: Yeah!
Del Boy: Why do you want to be superstars then?
Mental Mickey: Because we want to be rich Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.

Del Boy: (after Rodney gets kicked out of the Bunch of Wallies) You didn't honestly believe all that rubbish, did you? That you and them wallies were destined for the Albert Hall, Carnegie Hall! The only hall you were destined for was Sod All.

Del Boy: I remember what Mum said on her death bed. She said to me: "Del, please give little Rodney all the encouragement that you can. Never, Del, never hold him back."
Rodney: She didn't half say a lot on her death bed, did she?
Del Boy: What?
Rodney: Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her death bed! She must have spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting!
Del Boy: You are walking a bleedin' tightrope here Rodney!!!!
Rodney: No hang on. Right, remember last week we were having a row about whose turn it was to go down the chippy, yeah? And you claimed that Mum said on her death bed: "Send Rodney for the fish!"

Sleeping Dogs Lie [4.5]

Marlene: Did you have a nice Christmas?
Del Boy: Oh, terrific, yeah.
Marlene: I had a dog.
Rodney: Yeah? We had a turkey, same as every other year.

Rodney: (about Albert) I've said it before, I'll say it again: that man's a right Jonah. I reckon that when he boarded his last ship, the crew shot an albatros for luck.

Del Boy: (about Duke) When he's comatose, you know, sleep is the best thing for him.

Watching the Girls Go By [4.6]

Del Boy: Remember a couple of months ago, when I took you on that blind date?
Rodney: Remember it? I'm still having therapy for it?

Del Boy: I don't know what the younger generation is coming to. They can't even swear without effing and blinding.

As One Door Closes [4.7]

Rodney: (upon losing a chunk of hair to one of Del's super-sharp combs) I'm going bald. Derek, I am 24 years old and I'm going bald!
Uncle Albert: That's supposed to be a sign of something.
Rodney: Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald.

Denzil: You want to hear a sob story? I can tell you a sob story. I have just found out that my wife has been lying to me.
Rodney: No!
Denzil: Yeah. Every morning she says she's going to leave me and, when I come home at night, she's still there.

Uncle Albert: I can't swim, Del.
Del Boy: You used to be a sailor.
Uncle Albert: Don't mean a thing. Nelson couldn't swim.
Del Boy: Of course he couldn't. He only had one bloody arm. He would have gone around in circles, wouldn't he?

Christmas Special (1985)

To Hull and Back

[Del, Rodney, and Albert are sailing on a boat to Holland, and end up lost in the middle of the North Sea.]

Rodney: He's something else ain't he? And what about all the currents they got round here 'ere? We could have drifted anywhere by now.
Del Boy: Yes, he's right an'all ain't he? We're in the middle of the North Sea ain't we? It's got more currents than a hot-cross bun.

Del Boy: Can't you just find The Bear?
Uncle Albert: Well what does it look like?
Del Boy: Well it looks like a bloody rabbit don't it!!!

Del Boy: Well, come on then, look at the stars, and navigate a course, go on!
Uncle Albert: Cor, ain't there a lot of them!

Del Boy: Holland?!
Gas man: What!
Del Boy: Which way to Holland?!
Gas man: It's over there!
Del Boy: Thank you John! (to Albert) Albert turn left, Holland is that way. (to Rodney) See Rodney, don't know where to go you just got to ask.

Series 5 (1986)

From Prussia With Love [5.1]

[Although Del promised Boycie a baby boy, he can only deliver a girl.]

Boycie: It's amazing, innit? Everything you buy off him has got something missing.

[Anna's baby girl turns out to be black, and Marlene wants to keep her.]

Marlene: We could say it's a throwback.
Boycie: I might be able to con people into buying my cars, I might be able to convince them that you conceived and gave birth in seven days, but how the hell am I going to persuade them my grandad was Louis Armstrong?!?

The Miracle of Peckham [5.2]

Father O'Keith: So to what do I owe this honour?
Del Boy: I have come to confess my sins.
Father O'Keith: Del, please! I've been invited out to dinner this evening.

Father O'Keith: Have you ever been to this church before?
Del Boy: Of course I have... when my mum and dad got married.

The Longest Night [5.3]

[Del, Rodney, and Albert are paying for their grocery shopping]

Checkout girl: (surly) £29.48.
Del Boy: Sorry?
Checkout girl: (even surlier, with a look of contempt) £29.48.
Del Boy: Did you sue 'em?
Checkout girl: Who?
Del Boy: The Charm School!

Lennox Gilbey: You ever heard of the Scarlett Pimpernel?
Rodney: That weren't you, was it?
Lennox Gilbey: No, but I'm like him. They seek him here, they see him there. Those policemen seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven or is he in hell? That damn illusive Sha-a-dow.

[Rodney starts creeping up to the desk, looking like he's going to steal the gun from Lennox.]

Del Boy: Rodney what do you think you're playing at?
Uncle Albert: Come back and sit down son!
Mr. Peterson (store manager): What are you doing? There's only half an hour to go!

[Rodney goes to the desk and picks up the cigarettes instead of the gun and looks very pleased with himself.]

Del Boy: You plonker!

Tea for Three [5.4]

[After Del lies to Lisa that he used to be a Royal Marine Commando, and had a bad landing from a faulty parachute.]

Lisa: I always thought Marines were, you know, taller.
Rodney: He used to be much taller, but like he said, he had a bad landing.

[Del proves to know little about hang-gliding.]

Andy: We've got some great thermals today.
Del Boy: Thermals? Oh, what a shame! I'm just wearing my ordinary y-fronts.

[Del returns from hospital in a wheelchair after his hang-gliding trip.]

Del Boy: This is my punishment, isn't it? Spending the rest of my life in this wheelchair.
Trigger: Still, it could have been worse.
Mike: How?
Trigger: My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.

[After Del accidentally reveals that he was pretending to be paralyzed to make Rodney feel guilty.]

Del Boy: Rodney, I was up their for three hours, Three bloody hours! I did a loop-the-loop over Dimchurch. Little kids were pointing, "There goes a spaceman, a spaceman!" Finally, when I had just given up hope, I cluttered into an aerial thing, and fell 50 foot to the ground. It was only by the grace of God, that I landed on something soft!
Rodney: Yeah, I can see the bruising on your head.
Del Boy: No, it was not my head, I landed on a very unsuspecting courting couple!

Video Nasty [5.5]


[Rodney has been asked to make a film, and Del is pitching a less than brilliant plot idea.]

Del Boy: Right, okay, now this is a Jaws-type story.
Rodney: Jaws? Jaws has been done though.
Del Boy: I know it's been done! But this is different. It's called... There's a Rhino Loose in the City!

[Rodney begins to laugh, then realises Del is deadly serious, and stares at him incredulously.]

Rodney:: There's a Rhi... There's a Rhino Loose in... A rhino? As in rhinoceros??
Del Boy: That's right. There's a Rhino Loose in the City!
Uncle Albert: What's it about, Del?
Del Boy: Well, it's about this rhinoceros right, escapes from a zoo and it heads straight for London! And after two or three days they find like all these dead bodies lying about and no-one knows who's done it! So, they get hold of this private detective, you know, like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer to try and solve the crime. Now the zoo keeper happens to be a very attractive woman, so before you know where you are, old Charlton is giving the sort what for, so that's yer romantic interest!
Rodney A rhinoceros??
Del Boy: Yeah! But they don't know it's missing!
Rodney: But... how can you not know? If you've got a rhinoceros, right and one day it ain't there - you tend to know it's missing!!
Del Boy: Don't be a plonker all yer life Rodney. She ain't got one rhinoceros, she probably had two or three rhinoceroses!
Uncle Albert: And how's he escape?
Rodney: Squeezed through the bars, most probably!
Del Boy: Now don't you start getting saucy with me Rodney. I'm only trying to help you.
Rodney: I don't believe this! Nobody knows it's escaped? What about the eight million people living in London? Don't none of them spot it?
Del Boy: Yes! But the ones who spot it - they're the ones who get trampled to death!
Rodney: And what about all the others? The people in offices, the people in cafes, the people sitting on top of buses! It's a rhino, Del!
Del Boy: He only comes out at night!
Uncle Albert: What is it, a vampire rhino?
Del Boy: No it is not a vampire rhino. That is stupid that is, innit, eh?
Uncle Albert: And where does he live during the day?
Del Boy: In a lock-up garage in a back street!
Rodney: What, he's leasing it is he?
Del Boy: He's not leasing it. It's a disused garage in a back street where no one ever goes! But … the detective does find it, only it's at night!
Uncle Albert: And the rhino's gone out?
Del Boy: That's right see, so you see the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery. You see what it is Rodney, it is not only a love story! It's a whodunit!
Rodney: An whodunit? What do you mean an whodunit? We know who-dun-it! The rhino done it!
Del Boy: Yes, I know that, we - we the audience know that, but they don't know - the actors do they?
Rodney: This is something else! A rhinoceros has escaped from a zoo! There are 300 dead bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints! There's a lock-up garage two and 'arf foot deep in rhinoceros crap and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!!
Del Boy: I do admit there are one or two teething snags! But it's got all the essential qualities of a hit hasn't it. I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings and a bit of humpty dumpty! I mean, look, this is a disaster movie!
Rodney: Disaster? It's a calamity Del!
Uncle Albert: Why is he killing people?
Del Boy: Well, what d'you want him to be, a social worker!? Well, he's a man-eater, ain't he?
Rodney: No, no, rhinoceroses aren't carnivorous! They're vegetarians!
Del Boy: Alright, so we elbow the lock-up garage and we make him hide in the back of an health food shop!
Rodney: And he won't head for the city neither.
Uncle Albert: But he's gotta head for the city so that he can kill lots of people!
Del Boy: Yeah that's right!
Rodney: No, his natural habitat would be the open country.
Del Boy: Alright, so what are you suggesting? We call the film There's A Rhino Loose Somewhere Out in the Sticks Where No Sod Lives!??

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire [5.6]

Jumbo Mills: You think I'm bald? Well I'm not!
Uncle Albert: Well that's one hell of a parting you've got there son!

Jumbo Mills: A typical Brit! The only thing that works is his mouth.

Del Boy: Australia is an awfully long way off, isn't it?
Jumbo Mills: They'll love you over there. They've got no class!

Del Boy: Australia! Where the men are men.
Uncle Albert: So are the women...
Del Boy: What's that supposed to mean?
Uncle Albert Last time I was over there, the only way you could tell the sexes, was the men spit further.

[Rodney can't go to Australia because of his drug conviction, yet Del is still keen to go without him, much to Rodney's chagrin.]

Del Boy: Don't you think I've sacrificed enough for you?!
Rodney: Sacrifices? For me?
Del Boy: Yes you, when dear Mum, Gawd rest her soul, when she died...
Rodney: Don't start again.
Del Boy: When she died, who stood by you?
Rodney: Yes, I remember that well. I was a little 5-year-old stood in a damp graveyard wondering what the hole in the ground was for, I remember all the other people saying "I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?" But I had no need to fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Del Boy! Da da da daad! "I, Del Boy, will look after this small waif. I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy. He will sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners. And I will also teach him to drive a three-wheeled van whilst pissed out of his skull!"
Del Boy: And I did, didn't I?

Christmas Specials (1986-1988)

A Royal Flush

Man at the market: ...they can't be top quality, they're too cheap!
Del Boy: "Too cheap", how can they be "too cheap" you wally?
Man at the market: Here, I'm not a wally
Del Boy: No? What are you doing then, an impression?

[Shortly after, originating from the background as the scene focuses on Rodney and Victoria]

Annoying man at the market: ...yeah but do you get a guarantree?
Del Boy: You do, yeah you do get a guarantee, I'll guarantees you get a smack in the mooey if you keep on pal, just go away and annoy someone else...

Rodney: People round here don't pay £85 for a painting... People round here don't pay £85 for a car.

Lord Henry: (after Del tells him that he is related to the Surrey Trotters) I don't care if you are related to the Surrey Trotters, the Berkshire Trotters, or the Harlem bloody Globetrotters!

The Frog's Legacy

[Rodney, talking with Albert about the rumours that Freddie the Frog had an illegitimate child with a local woman, allegedly Rodney's mother]

Rodney: Did Mum ever...
Uncle Albert: They're rumours, Rodney. That's all, rumours.

[When the Trotters now find it impossible to retrieve Freddie the Frog's treasure.]

Rodney: Do I look like him?
Uncle Albert: It was just a rumour, son.
Rodney: Do I look like him?
Uncle Albert: A bit.

Del Boy: There's gotta be a way! He who dares wins! There's a million quids worth of gold out there - our gold. We can't just say 'bonjour' to it.

Rodney: Freddie The Frog. Killed himself by sitting on someone else's detonator...... What a plonker.

Trigger: Hold up, 'ats off.
Boycie: 'allo your mini cabs arrived Albert.
Del: Boycie!
Trigger: Is that Dave?
Del: Yeah.

(It is indeed Rodney leading the funeral prosession in full Chief Mourner's gear he looks up and sees Del)

Rodney: You git. You rotten GIT! You never told me my new jobb was a CHIEF MOURNER!!!
Del: Rodney, please show some respect.

Del: Come on Mr Jahan lets discuss this over a drink shall we?
Mr Jahan: OK something non alcoholic.
Del: Mike, a pint of your best Bitter please.

Dates

[Mike and Boycie talk about Albert's terrible singing.]

Mike: Why does he keep doing it, eh?
Boycie: Gawd knows. I suppose at some time in is life someone told him he could play the piano.
Mike: Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing!

Series 6 (1989)

Yuppy Love [6.1]

Del Boy: You've always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education. That's why you're no good at snooker.

Del Boy: All the things we've ever got from life has come from my intelligence, and my foresight.
Rodney: Well, I'm glad somebody's owned up!

Rodney: This flat is in a wonderful position, isn't it? I mean, fifteen minutes from the West End, it's fifteen minutes from the motorway...
Uncle Albert: And fifteen minutes from the ground.

Del Boy: (to Trigger at the bar in a yuppy club) I think we're on a winner here Trig, play it nice and cool son, nice and cool. You know what I mean? (falls through bar) Drink up Trig, we're leaving.

Del Boy: Well it was one Sunday many years ago!
Rodney: Where was I?
Del Boy: You was down the Mountbatten estate selling them gas conversion kits.
Rodney: You bastard!!! You sent me all the way down there knowing I had chicken pox just so you and Annie bleedin' Oakley could have the flat to yourselves.
Del Boy:It weren't like that Rodders! I was trying to present you with a challenge.
Rodney: What, selling gas conversion kits on an all electric estate? That is a challenge and a half.

Danger UXD [6.2]

Del Boy: It's a videotape recorder, isn't it? It's got a little computer and everything. When you go on your holidays, this thing will record all your programmes for you.
Uncle Albert: Amazing!
Del Boy: Yeah, nothing but the best.
Uncle Albert: How does it know when you're on holiday?
Del Boy: You send it a postcard, don't you?

Uncle Albert: I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it?
Del Boy: Yes, ye yes that's right yes! Rodney! Come along it's gone six o'clock!
Rodney: Yes all right! Keep the noise down, will yeh?
Del Boy: Cor blimey look at the state of that, I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.
Uncle Albert: You got in late last light son, out with that little bird of yours, what's 'er name, "Cassandra"?

[Del has just taken delivery of several boxes of blow up dolls, thinking they were children's dolls.]

Rodney: Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Sindy. These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
Del Boy: You can't have dolls with names like that.
Rodney: You can if you go to the right shops!

[The Trotters discover the blow up dolls.]

Del Boy: Bloody hell! What have WE got ourselves into here?
Rodney: Well this is your fault! You just go rushing into things and to Hell with the consequences!
Del Boy: That's because I've got a high profile!
Rodney: Yeah! High profile and low forehead!

[Albert doesn't quite understand the concept of the blow up dolls.]

Uncle Albert: They're big for little dolls, ain't they?
Rodney: Unc, they ain't... ordinary dolls. You see them advertised in... magazines.
Uncle Albert: (starts to hunt around the living room) Where's that Radio Times?
Rodney: Albert, have a day off, will yer! I mean... sleazy magazines, for dirty, kinky little men.
Uncle Albert: You're pulling my leg!
Rodney: Oh, am I? Right, you have a look at this, then! (produces an adult magazine from his jacket)

Boycie: Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
Trigger: How is he?
Boycie: A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon. He sold me some video recorders, 70 pounds each, I snapped them up.
Mike: 70 nicker each? What they fall off the back of a lorry?
Boycie: If they did they were going around the bend in Düsseldorf!
Mike: How'd you mean?
Boycie: I've just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current. To make them work on the british system, would take a transformer the size of a suitcase, and an electrician of such genious i'd have to go head hunting at Cape Canaveral!

Chain Gang [6.3]

Del Boy: Hello, Cassandra, very pleased to meet you. Rodney has told me all about you. Don't worry, I'll try not to shout it all about.
Cassandra: That's very nice of you, Derek. Rodney's told me all about you as well, although I must admit I didn't believe him... until now.

Arnie: Doctors gave me six months to live.
Trigger: Well, you don't want to take too much notice of these doctors, Arnie. They'll say anything to get rid of you.

Rodney: (upon seeing the chains) What'd you do, rob Mr. T?

Del Boy: (to Boycie when Arnie has his "heart attack" in the restaurant) It's Arnie, he's 'avin a Connery!

Denzil: (to Arnie's sons, Gary and Stephen) Wotcha Fellas!
Stephen: What's happening?
Denzil: Get in! (before climbing into back of the ambulance behind Gary and Stephen and locking the doors).

Del Boy: (threatening to hurt Arnie with a set of vicious-looking bolt cutters) Calm down, Arnie, calm down! You'll give yourself a heart attack!

The Unlucky Winner Is... [6.4]

[Albert is forced to help Del out with carrying boxes of hooky gear since Rodney is at the Nag's Head with Cassandra.]

Uncle Albert: Bloody fair, innit? A young feller like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird and leaves the carrying to an old chap like me.
Del Boy: (under his breath, mocking Albert) They've got no respect these days.
Uncle Albert: They've got no respect these days.
Del Boy: (under his breath, mocking Albert) You fought in a war, didn't you?
Uncle Albert: I fought in a war, didn't I? I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom. And what do they do with their freedom?
Del Boy: (under his breath, mocking Albert) Anything they bloody like!
Uncle Albert: Anything they bloody like!

Del Boy: You'll waltz through it, Rodney!
Rodney: Waltz through... Del, how the hell am I going to pass for fourteen?!

Sickness and Wealth [6.5]


Little Problems [6.6]


[Del and Alan are discussing Rodney and Cassandra's upcoming wedding]

Alan: You don't like those sort of surroundings, do you? I mean, champagne, caviar, country clubs...
Del: Oh no, Alan, I hate it, I hate it, all put on. I mean, them people just do things for effect.

[Mike arrives with a small scotch for Alan and a very elaborate, exotic looking cocktail for Del (it's more like a floral tribute).]


Danny: Boycie, 'ow nice!
Boycie: 'Allo Danny. Your brother not with yer?
Danny: Yeah.

(Tony pops out from behind him)

Boycie: Oh watcha Tony. Drink?
Tony: Nah! That right Marlene's up the spout?
Boycie: Yeah.
Danny: Dear dear dear. We you let us know the miute you find out who done it and we'll sort 'im out.

Danny: Del Boy around?
Mike: No, I ain't seen 'im this evening.
Danny: Well that's funny 'is van's in the car park and what's this? A castella and a Malibu Reef? You sure he ain't around. Think 'ard Guv'nor.
Mike: Well he may 'ave been in earlier and then he left.
Danny: I see, you just 'ad this place decorated?
Mike: (Proudly) Yeah.
Danny: Shame. I want to buy everyone in the pub a drink, whatever they want. Now there's a pound, and I want change.

Tony: You owe us £2000. You got the money?
Del: Course I ain't. I ain't sold the phones yet 'ave?
Danny: Don't give me all that Derek. Them two munchkins Ebony and Ivory took the phones off us three months ago.
Del: Three months? I didn't know that Danny.
Danny: Do you think we're stupid?

(Del doesn't answer)

Danny: Do you thinm I'm stupid? If you don't cough up that two grand I'm gonna take 'is collar and lead off and let 'im loose on yer.

(Tony grins at Del menacingly)


Danny: When Tony and me were kids we was very very poor. Our old man used to work in on of them old mansion 'ouses. He worked from 6 in the morning til 8 at night and what for? For pittence.
Tony: A shilling a day and an 'orse shit sandwich.
Danny: One day there was a robbery at the mansion and the Bill arrested our old man and there wasn't any evidence was ther?
Tony: Just finger prints.
Danny: Just finger prints.
Tony : And Eye witnesses.
Danny: A Couple of eye witnesses. They found the jewels on 'im.
Tony: It was a plant.

Christmas Specials (1989-1990)

The Jolly Boys' Outing

Del Boy: Brandy please, Pamela.
Pamela: Armagnac?
Del Boy: Yeah, that'll do fine if you're out of Brandy.

Alan: It's no problem. You just chuck him on the back seat, let him sleep it off.
Boycie: Chuck him on the back seat? He's the driver!

Stephen: And Africa is where it's at. Recently Joanne and I spent little time down in Afrique sur-mer.
Del Boy: Fabrique belgique.

Trigger: What d'you think's wrong with him?
Mike: What do I think? Well, snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig.
Trigger: Yeah? I thought he was pissed.

(Del, Rodney, Uncle Albert, Cassandra, her parents and her boss, Stephen, are playing Trivial Pursuit.)

Question to Del: What is a female swan called?
(Albert hints that it's a three-letter word; Rodney rattles a Biro in his mouth)
Del: Got it. It's a bic.

Sid: I run a cafe, so why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches?
Del: The explanation is simple. We intend to eat them.

[The Jolly Boys' coach has blown up due to Del's faulty radio. Rodney is watching the explosion from inside a telephone booth.]

Rodney: Cass? You still there? Our coach has just blown up!

Jevon: You've got to give it to Del Boy, he did all the catering by himself.
Mickey: Leave off Jevon, can you imagine Del Boy standing in the kitchen cutting up all them loaves? He probably got some idiot to do it for him.
Trigger: No, I made them for him.

[The Jolly Boys find out that the last bus has left and the trains are on strike.]

Albert: I remember once just after the war.
Rodney: Oh don't start, Unc!
Mickey: We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day. Albert!
Del: Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak!
Albert: I fought for free speech!
Del: (to Albert, venomously) Shuddup!

Del (to Rodney, who just got thrown out by Cassandra for punching her boss) Alright bruv, sort it all out?

Rodney Come Home

Raguel: Rodney, you'll have to at least talk to her sooner or later. There'll be things to be discussed.
Del: Yeah , like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken.


Rodney: My mum's left me, my wife doesn't love me and some bastard's nicked my bike!

[A frustrated Rodney is furious with Del as the two stand outside in the street in the dark]

Del: Look, is there anything I can do to help?
Rodney: Yes, Piss off!
Woman: People are trying to sleep!
Rodney: Oh Shut up!!

[Rodney and Del's arguing in the hallway has woken up a neighbour, who politely reminds them of the time...]

Neighbour: Erm, it's gone midnight!
Del: (waving his fist in a threatening manner) Well go back to bed then.

Series 7 (1990)

The Sky’s the Limit [7.1]

Raquel: Hello Boycie. I suppose I've got to ask you in?
Boycie: Yes. I'd like to get away as quick as possible. I've left my Mercedes parked downstairs and you know what they're like on this estate. They'd have the wheels off a Jumbo if it flew too low.

The Chance of a Lunchtime [7.2]

[Del standing by Rodney & Albert pointing to Raquel]

Del Boy: How many people can you see standing there?

[Albert and Rodney look at each other]

Albert: Well... one.
Del Boy: I can see - two.

[Del and Raquel smile lovingly at each other and embrace]

Rodney: You know what that means, Albert?
Albert: No.
Rodney: Well, either Raquel's pregnant or Del's pissed.

Raquel: The tour doesn't start for another three months.
Del Boy: Oh well, gives you plenty of time to meet more of them intelligent, sensitive actor people don't it?
Raquel: Derek, will you get it into your thick skull: I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you!

Stage Fright [7.3]

Tony: No-one who pwonounces R's like me have ever become successful.
Albert: There's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.
Tony: Exactly.

The Class of '62 [7.4]

Albert: Who's Rachel?

Slater: Would you do me one favour. When the baby's born, if it's a boy would you call him after me?
Rodney: I wouldn't have thought so. It's not fair to christen a kid 'Dick!' is it?

Albert: (About Rodney) You could appeal to his common sense.
Del Boy: Oh yeah? Then after lunch I'll go out and find Shergar!

Del, Boycie and Denzil: Trigger!
Trigger: Alright.
Del Boy: Wait a minute. Maybe Trigger organised this!
Boycie: Oh turn it up, Del Boy. Trigger couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque.
Trigger: I got lost on me way here.
Denzil: How could you get lost? You've been coming to this pub since you were 16!
Trigger:No I found the pub alright. I meant I couldn't find this room. (To Mike) I've been in your dance hall for the last hour.
Mike: But all the lights are out!
Trigger: I know.
Boycie: You've been standing in the dark for an hour?
Trigger: Yeah I thought we were all gonna jump out and surprise someone.
Mike: But there was no one else in there.
Trigger: But I didn't know that, did I? The lights were out. How you going, Dave?

Rodney: As I was saying. On a cold, rainy night in Peckham, someone has arranged for you four to be here in in this room - together. No one knows who. And the most frightening aspect of the whole mystery - no one knows why! Now, think hard. Who would do something like that?

[The four look at each other]

Trigger: Jeremy Beadle?

Rodney: This is bit like one of them Agatha Christie films innit.
Trigger: Yeah I used to fancy 'er.
Rodney: You used to fancy Agatha Christie?
Trigger: Yeah, I 'ad a picture of 'er on my bedroom wall.
Denzil: She was an old lady, old english country gardens and granny hats.
Del: Yeah she looked a bit like Mr Kipling's bit on the side.
Trigger: Well I fancied 'er. I saw 'er in that film Dr Zhivago.
Boycie: That's JULIE Christie your berk.

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Uncle [7.5]

Raquel: You should have more respect.
Mike: Those women went through he war for us.
Boycie: Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of 'em.

Raquel: Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.
Rodney: Yeah, that happened when me hand went straight through the bodywork! I'm bleeding, see! There's blood! Oh yeah. Mike, you got a plaster?
Del Boy: Oi, what d'you mean your hand went through straight through the bodywork?
Rodney: There's a big rust hole in the wing. Boycie's blokes had stuffed it full of newspapers and body-filler and sprayed over it.
Boycie: That's slanderous, Rodney. That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle!
Rodney They were yesterday's newspapers!

Boycie: I remember a few years back when I had that important client coming over from Belgium and I was trying to get tickets to Wimbledon to impress him. You said 'Leave it to me Boycie, I gotta contact at Wimbledon'.
Del Boy: I got you two tickets!
Boycie: That's right! They drew nil-nil with Ipswich!

Three Men, a Woman and a Baby [7.6]

Mike: So?
Trigger: What?
Mike: What name have they decided on?
Trigger: If it's a girl they're calling her Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him Rodney after Dave.

Del Boy: Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.
Trigger: They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.
Mike: So what happened Trig?
Trigger: He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.
Albert: What, he was gonna drive off it?
Trigger: Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.
Del Boy: But then, and this is the what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.
Rodney: No! Who held the whip-round?
Del Boy: All the passengers on the bus.

Del Boy: It's a baby, Raquel.
Raquel: I've been wondering what that swelling was.

Rodney: No, it's a boy alright. Rosemary's Baby was on the telly the other night. It's Del and Raquel to a tee. In a couple of weeks' time we'll be awoken by the cries of our own little bonny, bouncing antichrist. It'll be sitting in it's cot, head spinning round like a propeller, green gung up the wall. they're bound to call it Damien.
Albert: (As if to cheer Rodney up) They were thinking of calling him Rodney.
Rodney: Rodney! Oh no, poor little sod.

Del Boy: Ever since you went vegetarian you've become a right miserable git.
Raquel: There's nothing wrong with being vegetarian Del.
Rodney: That's right! One in five people in this country now refuse to eat meat. Mickey Pearce has become a vegetarian.
Del Boy: Yeah, but only since he got the sack from World Of Leather. A man needs a bit of fat and stodge to solid things up. Any doctor'll tell you that. All that carrot and cabbage cobblers, no wonder you're depressed.
Rodney: I am depressed because of the state of the state of my life at the moment. I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me!

Del Boy: I've mucked about all my life, and I never knew the reason why until now. This is what it's all about. I was born for this moment. Yes. Oh we're gonna have such fun, we are, you mark my words. This time next year we'll be millionaires.

Christmas Specials (1991-2003)

Miami Twice: The American Dream


Miami Twice: Oh To Be In England

Boycie: Everything was going well, we were having a lovely holiday...
Marlene: (Cuts in) Shuddup moaning.
Boycie: And then they turn up! And within fifteen seconds some sod's shootin' at us!
Marlene: You've done nothing but moan ever since we left Washington!
Boycie: Get that bloody boat in for God's sake!

Mother Nature's Son

Denzil: That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein!
Trigger: Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatles' manager has got to do with it anyway.

Myles: First things first. We have to ascertain what kind of soil you have.
Del Boy: Well, it's this - earthy sort.

Del Boy: It's closed!
Trigger: (checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?.
Del Boy: What d'you mean "a bit late"? You said it was open twenty four hours a day.
Trigger: Yeah, but not at night!

Denzil: This could be anything, Trig! For all we know this could be... Well, this could be bloody Concorde fuel!
Del Boy: No, honest, its not Concorde fuel, it's anti-freeze from the Starship Enterprise!

Fatal Extraction


Heroes and Villains

Rodney: We didn't know the fancy dress had been cancelled.
Trigger: Me neither.
Rodney: You mean, that's your costume?
Trigger: Yeah. I came as a chauffeur. (Thinks) I feel a bit stupid now.
Rodney: Yeah, you do stand out.

Trigger: And that's what I've done. Maintained it for 20 years. This old brooms had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time.
Sid: How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then?
Trigger: There’s the picture. What more proof do you need?

Modern Men

Raquel: You see this girl here. I worked with her years ago when I was in show business. She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film!
Cassandra: Ooh Pierce Brosnan.
Rodney: Now you don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.
Cassandra: Yes haven't I just?
Del Boy: Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.
Raquel: Oh shut up.
Del Boy: No, you could.
Raquel: Don't be silly.
Del Boy: I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog.

Time On Our Hands

Del: (talking about why Rodney won't talk to Cassandra after the miscarriage) Yes I know, he's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.
Raquel: He's got a lot on his mind?! And how do you think Cassandra feels? She's the one who's had the miscarriage! She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club.
Del: Yes I know, but she's a woman, ain't she? She's stronger than Rodney.

Albert: During the...
Del: If you say "During the war..." once more, I'm gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head!
Albert: I wasn't gonna say during the war...!
Del: Well that's alright then.
Albert: Bloody little know-it-all.
Del: Alright, sorry.
Albert: Thank you. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany...

Del Boy: How much exactly did it go for?
Rodney: Six point two million. Just over three million each.
Del Boy: Well we've had worse days ain't we?

Del: 'Ang about, which coffee did you make this with?
Albert: That jar over there.
Del: This ain't coffee smell it it's bloody gravy.
Albert: Yeah, that's gravy. Well it's not my fault it's them jars, look. 'Ow am I supposed to tell the difference?
Del: I'll tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, Maxwell House COFFEE and on this one it says Oxo GRAVY granules. Bit of a giveaway really innit?
Albert: Well I was in an 'urry and I got mixed up.
Del: I'll mix YOU up in a min... 'ang on a minute. If you've made gravy in the coffee pot, then what ARE they pourin' over their dinners in there? (Goes to look)All right?
Audrey: Wonderful.
Del: Cushty. (To Albert) They're only DOING it. They are only out there doing it NOW! They are only pourin' Maxwell bleedin' 'Ouse over their lamb noisewats and veg. I don't believe you. Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you've ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat.

Cassandra: (offer Del the 'gravy') Del?
Del: NO! I mean no thank you sweetheart, I'm trying to give it up.
Cassandra: Albert?
Albert: Er, not for me dear.
Del: Oh yes, you'll have some. Come on Albert you know how you like your gravy. (Completly covers Albert's dinner in coffee, all Albert can do is sit and watch sadly)Git!

If They Could See Us Now

Trigger: When I go in there, I'll just say I hear voices.
Denzil: Trigger, you're not a character witness.
Trigger: I know. But I still hear voices!

Del Boy: Don't worry Rodney, this time next year, we'll be millionaires!
Rodney: This time last week, we were millionaires!

Trigger: Ain't there any words to this, Dave?
Rodney: Words? No... no words. Sorta instrumental.
Del Boy: What's this?!
Trigger: It's Mozart's Concerto in D Major. It's the karaoke version.

Trigger: There's nothing to be nervous about, Denzil. All you've gotta do is go in there and tell the truth.
Denzil: Trigger, if I go in there and tell the truth, Del and Rodney'll spend the next five years sharpening Jeffrey Archer's pencils!

Strangers on the Shore

Rodney: Here's another one of them, Del! It's like a geriatric Village Of The Damned!
Del Boy: I don't know about St. Claire a la Chappelle, they should rename this place Trottersville!

Del Boy: We're just gonna have to let him go then.
Rodney: We can't just let him go! A stranger on this estate? Imagine what the gangs will do to him?
Denzil: Yeah. For all we know, he could be part of Al-Qaeda!
Rodney: Don't be stupid, Denzil.
Del Boy: Yeah. I mean, does he look like he works in a furniture store?

Del Boy: Here, Boyce. You know this car's a GTI. If you rearrange the number plates then you got yourself a personalised number plate!

Damien: Mum, Uncle Rodders says that I'll be 'orrible when I'm all grown up.
Raquel: As soon as a man hits 21, he leaves all that behind him.
Del Boy: (on the phone) So, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel!

Del Boy: One of my most favouritist meals is Duck à l'Orange, but I don't know how to say that in French.
Rodney: It's canard.
Del Boy: You can say that again bruv!
Rodney: No the French word for duck is canard.
Del Boy: Is it? I thought that was something to do with the QE2?
Rodney: No that's Cunard. They're the ones with the boats and what have you. The French for duck is canard.
Del Boy: Right lovely jubbly. Right, so how do the French say à l'Orange then?
Rodney: A l'Orange!
Del Boy: What, the same as we do?
Rodney: Yes.
Del Boy: Oh dear, it's a pity they don't use more of our words innit eh?

Boycie: Have you ever spent a night with Trigger? It's like holding a seance with Mr. Bean.

Gary: Gary!

Sleepless in Peckham


Common Phrases

Derek "Del Boy" Trotter

  • Lovely Jubbly!
  • He who dares, wins!
  • This time next year, we'll be millionaires!
  • He who dares Rodney, he who dares.
  • What a plonker!

Rodney Trotter

  • Bloody 'ell!
  • Cosmic!/Cos-bloody-mic!
  • You git! You rotten git!

Grandad

  • Del Boy, I've burnt yer bacon!

Uncle Albert

  • During the war...

Raquel Trotter

  • Hi, I'm Raquel; Del's (spitefully) "significant other".

Trigger

  • (To Rodney) Alright Dave

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
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