Osmosis Jones

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Osmosis Jones (2001) is a part animated, part live action film whose title character is Osmosis Jones, a white blood cell.

Directed by Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly. Written by Marc Hyman.
He's one cell of a guy.

Osmosis Jones

  • Yo, you see this badge? You see this gun? You see this gooey white saccus membranous 'round my personhood? Well, you dealin' with a white blood cell here! I should be out in the veins, fightin' disease, not in the mouth on tartar control.
  • Osmosis Jones to dispatch. We got multiple germs - I repeat, multiple germs - comin' down the windpipe, and if these bad boys hit the blood stream, we're gonna be illin'. I'm talkin' nose-drippin', chicken soup-drinkin', rectal thermometer-stickin' illin'!
  • [The Chief asks Jones where he was in their conversation] Uh, you were just talking about promoting me to head of brain security.
  • [Thrax demands to know who the undercover Jones really is] Uh, "Bad Booty-Shaken Pickanosis", yeah, that's who I am.
  • [Drix shoves his gun arm into the flu shot's mouth and Osmosis gets an idea] Uh-oh, you done done it now, Chill. This guy's a psycho cop. You had your chance to spill it, but it's too late. This guy just got off the thorazine, and now he's Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! He's going El Pollo Loco on your crazy behind!


  • Funny. He dosn't look fluish.
  • [first line] Special Agent Drixo-Benzo-Medapedramine. [changes tone of voice to more commercial-friendly] Drixnol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes!

Frank Detorri

  • Honey, the reason that monkeys eat so many fruits and vegetables is because they're not smart enough to butcher a cow. Your mother - God bless her soul - she didn't believe the old-fashioned ideas about nursing and breast-feeding and all that. Uh-uh, you were fed cheeseburgers as a baby, and look at you - you're as big as a house, you're as strong as a bull, you smell like a cow. Your cholesterol's probably a little high, but they have medicine for that now. You can get an angioplasty, get it all cleared out.
  • [sees monkeys scratching their behinds] Oh, come on, hey, hey, hey! Show some class will ya? We got mixed company down here. [scratches his own behind]
  • Is beer fluid?
  • [after almost dying, but returning to life; to Shane] Your momma says "hi".

Mrs. Boyd

  • [To Frank] What a zit! I mean, what is it? What do you want?


Osmosis Jones: Goodbye, Drips.
Drix: That's Drix.
Osmosis Jones: Whatever.

Osmosis Jones: In the words of the immortal James Brown, get down!
Drix: James who?

Osmosis Jones: Baby, when are you and me gonna hook up? I know this little spot right behind the eye, has the perfect view - perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you. You know what I'm sayin'? Do you know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause I been sayin' it a long time.
Leah: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
Osmosis Jones: What'chu talkin' about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me.
Leah: Oh, really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.
Osmosis Jones: Whoo, who cut off the heat? Somebody pay the bill! It's cold in here.

Leah: Whoa, this is huge.
Osmosis Jones: Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99 percent of that is just sugar, ya know.
Leah: Yeah, and 99 percent of you is just stupid.
Osmosis Jones: Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before.

Osmosis Jones: I bet Johnny Streptoccocus and the Melanoma family would be very interested to hear about your flu shot work.
Flu Shot: You can't jack me on that, brother. I'm in the Virus Protection Program.

Drix: My, what big zits he has. How does something like this happen?
Osmosis Jones: You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how.

Dispatcher: (over radio) Suspect is headed toward the uvula - repeat, headed toward the uvula.
Osmosis Jones: What the heck is a u-va-la?
Drix: It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's -
Osmosis Jones: (interrupting) Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!
Drix: Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
Osmosis Jones: I knew that. I knew that.

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