On the War in Iraq
"I don't have any material about the war or anything like that... because guess what, hippies? We fuckin' won! Yeah! We went in there and we met our stated objective to... Uh, hang on, we went in to go -- uh, liberate the... Hang on, no. Here's why we went. We went to get the, uh... to strike a thing, uh... WE FUCKING WON, OKAY?"
"It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now. 'You said you'd get me a bicycle for my birthday!' 'It's a drawing of a bike, go out and play, leave Daddy alone! Daddy's drinking! Go outside... little shitbag. Drawing of a bike, close enough!'"
"And we killed Saddam, I think, right? There's no body, but he's under the rubble somewhere. He's dead. Listen, I'm a comic book nerd. That's how the Joker dies every month in 'Batman,' that's how Jason Voorhees dies at the end of all the 'Friday the 13th' movies. 'It's safe to go back to Crystal Lake, we shot him with a flare gun and he fell off the dock, come on man! Gimme some of that pussy.' CHOP!"
On George W. Bush
"Bush and Cheney have turned into the Dukes of Hazzard, just like every week, they get themselves into these crazy predicaments, 'ain't no way the Duke boys are gettin' outta this one,' then they jump the General Lee over the Bill of Rights, it's fucking insane!"
"If the standard for impeachment is covering up a burglary, or getting a blowjob, if that means 'you're impeached,' then shouldn't Bush have been fucking executed at this point?"
"George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil."
"George Bush can speak perfectly well, just not when he's being caring or compassionate or concerned about human beings. That's when he stutters and says shit like 'Hey it's hard to put food on your family.' Which he actually said, he said it's hard to put food on your family. Do you know why he said that? 'Cause he could give a fuck how hard it is for you to put food on the table for your family. But you know when he gets really downright poetic and articulate and focused is when he's talking about war and death and murder and retribution. All of a sudden he's Dylan Thomas."
"Here's the thing, if you gave Darth Vader a big basket of puppies he'd look like a fucking imbecile. 'Hey Darth, how do you like those puppies?' 'Uh, well they're round...furry...to, uh, pet...here I don't really like puppies, here, take these.' 'What are you gonna do to Alderaan?' 'WE WILL DESTROY YOUR PLANET, YOU WILL BE DUST BENEATH THE HEELS OF OUR BOOTS!' That's George Bush! I know a supervillain when I see one!"
"The thing I don't understand is people who support George Bush and who aren't billionaires, like that makes no fuckin' sense to me. 'I think George Bush is fuckin' awesome,' I'm like 'Wow, how much do you make? You must be like a billionaire?' And they go, 'I make, like, 30 grand a year,' and I'm like, 'Wow, 'cause Bush fuckin' hates you, did you know that? He fuckin' cannot stand you, he wouldn't be caught dead with you!'"
To Zach Galifianakis (from Patton vs. Alcohol vs. Zach vs. Patton)
"By the way, that viking ship you're building in Venice Harbor, it's never gonna sail. No matter how many helmets with horns you buy."
"I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you."
"I wish I could be the commercial fadeout on 'Tru Calling.'"
"My dream was to get my balls caught in a Whirlpool bath in 'Out Cold.'"
"If I could remember the Chris Kattan movie you were in, I'd slam you with it."
"I wish I could be two minutes in "Bubble Boy."
"We're having a bad career-off."
"The alternative Marvin Hamlisch, everyone."
"I was fired from VH1, not canceled."
"They would go, 'Hey Patton, Courtney Love's getting fat' and then you would go, 'I know what Courtney loves, CUPCAKES! Bwah buh bwah.' And then they would ask you a follow-up question, and they would go, 'I guess she's not into the heroin chic anymore' and you go, 'I guess heroin has FROSTING on it, buh buh buh.'"
"I got to the point where I couldn't be funny anymore, 'cause I'm such an idiot, and they would go, 'Hey Patton, Paris Hilton's writing a book.' And I would go, 'She's a cunt who should die of AIDS.' (nervously) 'Ah ha ha, OK! Heey!! Alright.. Um, OK, follow-up question, she's releasing a line of handbags,' 'As long as she gets AIDS, that's fine with me. If she could get cancer of the AIDS of the leukemia of the eyes, that would be awesome. If like, a biker could just fuck that into her skull.' 'Alright, funnyman Patton Oswalt. Let's go to the Sizzler...'"
"Dating is a fun nightmare. It's a nightmare, and then there are boners in it somehow."
"Sometimes science is fucking wrong and gives us shit we don't need...they might as well go, 'Hey, we made cancer airborne and contagious! You're welcome! We're science: we're all about coulda, not shoulda.'"
-In response to developments in science that allowed a 63-year-old woman to give birth.
[track "The Miracle of Childbirth", on Werewolves and Lollipops]
"I want a failure pile in a sadness bowl." -Regarding Kentucky Fried Chicken's Famous Bowls.
"Speaking of comic books...which I'll be doing 800 times tonight..."
"Every time you eat a steak, a hippy's hacky-sack goes in the gutter. You know that's true. You know that's true."
"Here are some facts about midgets some of you don't know, I found this in Discover Magazine, don't dispute me! If you hit a midget on the head with a stick he turns into 40 gold coins, did you know that? Forty glittering gold coins you can take to the market and buy a fine fat goose for your goodly wife. Also, if you throw a midget into a tub of hot water, he makes sleepy-time tea! Aww, isn't that great? A big tub of camomille! Thanks Mr. Scoops. Also, if you kick a midget in the balls, he turns into eight squirrels and they run off into the forest. But here's the thing, be careful because if you lose a fight to a midget, you become one, did you know that? In the beginning of time there was one midget and everyone was like 'Come on, motherfucker!' and now look around, they're everywhere! Let that be a lesson: just walk away. Be the bigger man, LITERALLY."
"If the apocalypse happens, it doesn't have to be all bad, here's how you can make it work for you. And you'll know when it's happening because, ZOMBIES. If the apocalypse happens, then it means that I'm wrong and there is a God and there is an afterlife. But here's the good news: in the afterlife, like in Heaven you'll be in the fuckin' VIP section of eternity! Cause everyone up there is like 'Hey, how'd you die?' And they're like 'Bus accident,' and 'How'd you die?' And they're like 'Fire ants.' Then they go 'How'd you die, man?' 'How'd I die? In the fuckin' apocalypse! Oh my God, it was awesome! I'm in the velvet rope section of eternity! You should've fuckin' been there man, fuckin' volcanoes came out of the ground and spewed menstrural blood into the sky, and then it formed into Avril Lavigne's face, and she recited the 'Good Will Hunting' screenplay, then the words turned into sentient razors and they bored into your flesh, George Bush was president and mediocrity held sway!'"
"I think you should be allowed to own a Humvee, I just think that when you go to buy it, like when you sign it, so that it's yours, you just get hit in the back of the head with a roll of fuckin' quarters in a sock, then just wake up in Iraq with a gun and they go, 'Oh yeah, you have to get the oil yourself. You can drive it all you want, you just have to get the gasoline by yourself.'"
"I support the gays, every time they have the Gay Pride Parade, I think that's fuckin' great. But they always have it San Francisco, Los Angeles or New York. Why bother having it there? Who the fuck are you gonna convert or shock? They should be forced to take it on the road, go into the deep south. Not that I want to see them get hurt, just for the few rednecks they would convert along the way. As they're pulling out of Tuscaloosa, some big guy in overall's going, 'Take me with you, Gay Pride Parade! Oh please, I wanna get my chest waxed and make catty comments during 'Six Feet Under!' Take me with you, Gay Pride Parade.' 'I'm sorry, Brocious, you'll have to stay here and find your own way.' 'I'm-a miss you, Gay Pride Parade. I'm gonna miss you, sweater-vest-wearing New Yorker fag. I'm-a miss you muscular black guy only wearing bicycle shorts! I'm-a miss you most of all, over-energetic Puerto Rican only wearing a cocksock!'"
(adjusting mic stand) "Let's get this down to Hobbit height...yeah...I've been making E.L. Fudges all day and I'm exhausted!"
"A baby, if you really break it down, is just a tiny, shirtless, bald human being with a bag of its own crap tied around its waist."
"We're here, we're queer...APPLES!" (imitating a mentally handicapped gay rights activist)
"Remember when you were a little kid and you were growing up and your friends were out playing a game like 'Cowboys and Indians' or 'Fort,' some game where they would just make up fake boundaries for the game? Like they would go, 'Hey, the bike path at the Slingerlands is lava, and if you touch it, the lava burns you and you're dead. And then the hedges at the Skafidees are poisonous snakes, and if you go by the hedges, the snakes bite you and you die,' but you weren't there when they started playing, you show up an hour later cause you're like 'I'm going to the pool guys,' and they go 'Oh don't touch the bike path, it's lava! Dude, the fuckin' hedges are snakes!' And you have to say, 'Guys, I wasn't here when you did all that, I'm not playing, it doesn't affect me.' That's kind of how I treat the pot laws in this country. 'Patton, you can't have that, it's illegal.' 'Oh, I wasn't here when you did all that, I'm not playing, it doesn't affect me. I know, it's lava, it's just pot.'"
From Lewis Black's Root Of All Evil
(final argument in American Idol v. High School) Ready? OKAY!
Growth spurt, drama club rapist jocks! Goth kids angry And they're armed with Glocks! Makin' crystal meth in Wood Shop Sell it to your class! Have a baby at the prom Dump it in the trash!
YAY HIGH SCHOOL!
Responding to crowd
(To heckler in crowd) "I love the guy who can't stand any kind of silence: 'He'd better say pussy soon, man...AAAAHHHH!!!'"
"Huh? (fan shouts "Say something funny!") Oh I'm getting there! ...that'll be edited out. Isn't that great? 'You're the Green River Killer!' Yeah we can lose that. Some asshole with photographs and hair samples."
(as Patton sips a glass of wine, fan with a Southern twang shouts "two more sips!") "'Two more...' oh my God. Doesn't that sound like the last thing some sorority girl hears at the frat party where something goes horribly wrong? Actually, the phrase 'two more sips' would sound festive, just not with that accent, that makes it sort of ominous: 'Two more sips! Oh we gonna get photos of that girl's snatch I tell you whut, it's gonna be great!'"
"Jokety Joke! Joke joke joke! Tha's right, I make dem jokes, bitch!"
(Patton burps in the middle of a sentence) "Be glad I didn't drop that down the front of my pants...so you didn't hear me queef two week old tacos..."
About Patton Oswalt
Greg Giraldo (said tongue-in-cheek during a debate on The Root Of All Evil): My opponent can flail his little fetus arms all he wants.