Peep Show

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Peep Show is a British sitcom that started airing in 2003 and stars David Mitchell and Robert Webb. Lines in parentheses represent internal monologue spoken by the actors in voice-over.

Series 1

Episode 1

Jez (This is fucking wicked. I'm almost definitely a musical genius. Maybe a tattoo... on my chest... but... of my face. Yeahh! Double me! Feel it!)

Mark: (You're not a paedo. You're definitely not a paedo.)

[While boarding the bus]
Mark: (Yes! "I am the lord of the bus!" said he.)

Mark: (Women don't like your hands under their bottoms, Mark. That's been established, that's a given.)

Mark: (I bet those kids know nothing about the battle of Stalingrad. Although I can't compare my reading of the book with the struggle of the Red Army; it has been a very big read.)

TV: I'm basically looking to meet someone like myself.
Mark: (Pfftt. That's exactly the opposite of what I'm looking for.)

Jez: Now I know how whatshisname felt when he finished the Mona Lisa... Knackered.

Mark: (I don't want to go to Waitrose. I want a fuck buddy.)

Mark: (Maybe he doesn't mind. Maybe nobody minds about things as much as me.)

Mark: (You can have good relationships with people who scare you. Just look at me and dad.)

Mark: You know Kerry, cancer Kerry, I need to find out, for a friend, the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about, do you remember?
Jez: Sure. It was Doctor Ying Fu Yip... Wang Shong... Pang Fang Wang... Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.
Mark: Oh right. I see. I get it. You were lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon.

Super Hans: Oh what? So... Mr... Ocean Colour Pants doesn't get it? Well, quelle fucking surprise.

Super Hans: It's not who you know... It's who you blow.

Boy: Hey look, it's clean shirt.
Mark: Clean shirt? What does that even mean? Isn't that good?
Boy: Fuck off clean shirt!

Jez: You're a posh spaz.
Mark: Oh really? Well I'd love to know in what way I am a posh spaz.
Jez: In the way that you do posh, spazzy things like... tidying up and... ironing your socks.
Mark: I do not iron my socks!
Jez: Socks, shirts, whatever!

Toni: I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you can't take any more of your husband's shit.

Jez: (If I laugh at everything she says, I'm bound to at least get a suck job.)

Jez: (Jesus. How did I get trapped with her? She's definitely the most boring person here.) [Looks at group of people] (I mean, they look great, they're probably talking about how they're going to make a real life porn movie with a proper story and everything... I could do the music.)

Jez: (I mean, you can't catch cancer... I'd have heard... Someone would've said...)

Jez: Listen to you, you beautiful... crazy thing... I meant, the cancer.
Paula: I'm sorry? Which cancer?
Jez: The bloody cancer! Eating you away!
Paula: Ok... Would you like it if I did have cancer?

[Leaving Sophie on the bus, having failed miserably to woo Toni the previous night]
Mark: (Yeah that's the way, Sophie is the one. Toni is Russia: Vast, mysterious, unconquerable. Sophie is Poland: Manageable... won't put up too much of a fight.)

Mark: See, by the winter of 42, the whole city was surrounded by the massed 6th army, it was pressing and pressing, the Russians couldn't hold on much longer, the people wanted to submit...
Toni: Mark, you know I just don't bang anyone, yeah. I'm not some kind of next-door fuck jar.
Mark: No, no, of course not, what I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched, Zhukov countered and the siege was broken.

Episode 2

Mark: [Putting on socks.] (I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears. Do women wear socks? Well, yes, sometimes, is the answer to that. Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants, that’s the rule. Makes a man look scary – like a chicken.) [Jeremy walks by, wearing only socks.] (He just does not give one solitary shit.)

Mark: [Before having toast for breakfast] (Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown is savoury, white's the treat. Of course I'm the one who's laughing because I actually love brown toast.)

Jez: Super Hans says he's come up with a bass loop for our new track that is so good, that when he tried turning it off... he literally couldn't... he actually physically couldn't do it.

Mark: (Work-shy freeloader.)
Jez: (Tight-fisted cockmuncher.)

Jez: You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do your laundry for you; they'd be off their tits.

Mark: (I mean, what's the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.)

Mark: (People like him should wear stickers; they've got them for their cars. Oh, yeah, great idea, Adolf.)

Mark: How's your day going thus far? Did you have a nice shower or bath?
Sophie: Why, do I smell?
Mark: God, no, you don't smell. I mean, you smell nice. Not that I've smelt you.

Jez: (Super Hans said he'll be here in twenty minutes. That means I've got at least an hour.)

Mark: [Drawing a cartoon.] (What the hell is that? That is very gay, that's what that is. Come on, go crazy. You're hungry, like the wolf.)

Jez: We are NOT the Hair Blair Bunch!

[Changing his mind about leaving the Nazi cartoon on Sophie's desk]
Mark (A bloody swastika! That is the single worst, single, bloody idea ever. I mean, a swastika!?) [Discovers the cartoon has disappeared from Sophie's desk] (It's gone! It's happened! Oh yeah, do what Jeremy would do! Thanks Jeremy you tit!) [Bangs his head twice against wall]

Toni: So, what you're saying is, these products are essential? The kind of products no one could do without?
Jez: Well... You're kind of making me say that.

Mark: (She's ignoring me. Of course she's ignoring me, this morning I sent her a bloody swastika.)

Mark: [Trying to open his desk drawer] (Why don't I get this fixed? Why don't I ever get this fucking thing fixed?! Every night it's f... Ah, it always comes out eventually, fuck it.)

Mark: I mean, not that.

Jez: The first thing to say would be that this is not pyramid selling.
Mark: You're doing pyramid selling?!
Jez: No, no, not pyramid selling.
Mark: I can't believe you're into pyramid selling.
Jez: Listen, listen. It's not pyramid selling, it's... network... marketing and it's a guaranteed money making... Mark! I've seen the, the charts!
Mark: Oh the "charts". There are "charts". Why didn't you tell me about the "charts".
Jez: Are you... trying to... piss on my bonfire?
Mark: I'm trying to... protect you from... pissing all over yourself.
Jez: I'm not about to piss... all over myself. I'm... I'm pissing into the... bigtime.

Mark: Listen, Jeremy, you don't seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red, people don't walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around, drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.
Jez: But, yeah, if you get in early ...

Mark: (Maybe she will think it was charming. Yeah, maybe. Just keep clear of her till you've worked out a - I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me sing it ... because he's a crackhead and he does that sort of thing all the time. Yeah, that sounds great. Me living in my crackhouse. Maybe you could be a crackbitch and sit on my -)
[He sees Sophie]
(Shit! Shit, sugar, fudge, poopants, bollocks.) [In the stationary cupboard.] (Blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardenne! You can't touch me in the Ardenne.)

Mark: (Everything's okay in the cupboard. I'm safe in the cupboard.)

Jeff: Mark. You're in the stationery cupboard.
Mark: That's right, Jeff.

Mark: (I'll be able to order him around. Not horrible, just... Jeremy, could you file this for me? Jeremy, could you take that for me? Jeremy could you suck this for me?... Jesus! Where did that come from?)

[Interviewing Jeremy, for a filing position]
Barbara:, do you have any experience in this field?
Jez: Eh, I've done quite a lot actually, I mean not formal filing, but you know, alphabetabecising the videos, doing the spices, I suppose what I'd want to do is build on that experience in a professional... zone, SPHERE. I meant, sphere. (God, that sounded amazing, don't accidentally get the bugger!)
Barbara: You're doing great...
[she ticks "Poor" in the "Experience", "Knowledge" and "Performance level" boxes on her sheet]

Jez: No, challenging is right... Umm... But, a bit more of a relaxing challenge, more like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.

Jez: You're pissing on my bonfire!
Mark: There is no bonfire!
Jez: That's because you keep pissing on it!

Mark: (Well that was a fucking disaster. I want compensation. I want reparations. I want the Rhineland. It's going to be 1919 all over again, fuck the inevitable backlash.)

Mark: I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth, just for liking you? I like you, and if you can't handle it, you can just, you know, fuck off.

Episode 3

Mark: Life is all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom. Why do we even pretend that there's anything other than a yawning blankness at the heart of... Hay! 33% extra free! I'm doing excellent shopping. My depressed state of mind is making me even more frugal than normal.

Jez: You realise tinned food is just for crackheads and wars.

Jez: I just came here to tell you we've been invited to a very wicked party.
Mark: Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties?

Jez: But, it's better this way... two guys... we've got to get out there! Grooving! Doing it! You know? I mean, it's been a long time for either of us, I mean, I haven't had my oats in something like two weeks!! (Nine months and thirteen days.) I mean look at us! [Holds up a tissue box] People are going to think we spend the whole time wanking.

Mark: (Ok, well, I'm here, so I'll just sit here and drink. No one can stop me doing that. Just drink myself to death.)

[In a toilet cubicle with Toni, Jeremy and Valerie]
Mark: (I've got to take Jeremy's advice more often: I'm out on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazerbowl toilets... this is it. This is literally, it. This is the sort of thing people do when they're having a good time.)

Mark: (I've been initiated. I am a drug user! Fuck the police!)

Mark: What if I lose it? I'm not gonna do a poo am I, Jez?

Jez: [Eating chicken wings] (This should be in the bag. Why isn't this in the bag? She looks like she hates me.) [Toni looks on in disgust]
Jez: What? It's eat as much as you can.
Toni: No, it's eat as much as you'd like. There's no competitive element involved.
Jez: At 3.99, I think I know who's winning.

Mark: I'm bowling all right, I'm bowling FRUIT! I've reached the next level, I've gone BEYOND!

Jeff: So Valerie, who's your favourite member of S Club?
Valerie: Oh, I'm not really into them. But I hear they have a big gay following. [mimes oral sex]

Mark: (She does look kind of great in my pajamas. That's sick. Why is that sick?)

Mark: (Don't think about it. If you don't think about it, it won't happen.)

Episode 4

[Discussing politicians with Mark and Alan]
Jez: What I mean is that they should be more honest. I mean, at least Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like "Yeah, I shoot people, I like shooting people!" I mean, if they were more honest, then maybe people would vote and not switch straight over when the news comes on.

Jez: Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine. Makes it much more interesting if you pick sides.

[In flash back of drug induced state]
Jez: (Floss is boss, Floss is boss).
[Begins to strangle Super Hans with dental floss]

Mark: (Good old unfriendly Mr. Patel. Never says a word whether you're buying corn flakes, fabric softener... or gay porn.)

Super Hans: We're going to have parties that go beyond fun and actually get a bit nasty.

Jez: Will you walk, like some stupid.. duck? Or will you drive, like Clarkson?

Jez: The bad thing. That was the bad thing.
[Cut to shot of Super Hans performing oral sex on Jeremy the previous night]
Super Hans: Alright. My turn now.

Episode 5

Sophie: Are you sure you can get home from here?
Mark: Hmmm. (You can never go home again. Winters coming. Is this Stalingrad? Is this where it all ends?)

Jez: Look mate, I'm next door. I heard you. Your... noise. Last night.
Super Hans: Oh, that. That was nothing. That was... press-ups.
Jez: Yep, well, you certainly seemed to enjoy the last few... a lot.

[Entering Barbara's empty office late at night]
Mark: (Hey Barbara, thought we should have a follow up meeting Re: the phones thing... Oh you're not here,) [opening desk drawer] (well I'll just leave my new idea in your desk, give you time to think about it... yeah so my new idea is urine) [urinates into drawer] (loads and loads of urine, flooding your drawers. What do you think about that? Don't you think that would be just the ticket?) [urinates on a folder on the floor] (Yeah, you're getting some too!) [Phone Rings, Mark answers] JLB Credit, fuck off please!

Therapist: Often I like to kick things off with a bit of word association. It's kind of a fun way...
Mark: Is it therapy?
Therapist: Not really, no. I'll just say a word and you tell me the very first thing that pops into your mind.
Mark: (He's trying to therapize me.)
Therapist: Okay, let's start with an obvious one. Work.
Mark: (Snake-pit.) Snake... charmer.
Therapist: Just say the first thing that comes to mind. Money.
Mark: (Everything.) ...not everything.
Therapist: Children.
Mark: (Blind.) Uh, short.
Therapist: Father.
Mark: (Führer.) Football.
Therapist: Mother
Mark: (Sophie.) Fuck! No, not fuck!

Therapist: Have you ever done a Rorschach test? Just tell me what you see.
Mark: (A hairy twat. A hungry, devouring twat) ...a kitten?

Jez: (This was definitely a good idea. There's no chance this wasn't a good idea.)

Mark: It's payback time.
Jez: And she's paying back... in fear dollars!

Episode 6

Jez: (I'm gonna blow this gaff wide open.) Uh... yeah. I spent, uh, some time with Ray before he... went, and, I just wanted to say that, um, I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end... he loved Jesus. Now, I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus, but then, there's no proof for lots of things, like science, or, the stock market, and... we believe in them. Look, what I'm trying to say, is that, if I was dying, and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into say, uh... Enya before, but that now I really really was into Enya, and that in fact I thought Enya was great, and that Enya died for our sins, and I wanted an Enya themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of... Enya, then I think it would be a bit bloody rich, for my sister, to ban all mention of Enya, from my funeral! Yeah?
Everyone applauds, Liz frowns.

[Discussing life and death with Mark]
Sophie: Sometimes, we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life...
Mark: Right yeah... I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?
Sophie: [confused] ...yeah.
Mark: (You're losing her) It's a brief candle... a bloody brief candle.

Jez: ('Abandon self-cherishing, love only others'. Yeah well Mr. Dalai Lama I suppose you've got to be a suck-up if you haven't got your own country.)

Series 2

Episode 1

Jez: There's only so much happiness in the world and they're hoarding it all!
Mark: That's not how happiness works! (It completely is.)

Mark: What do I know about love and happiness? I know you have to play dirty, my friend.

Mark: (Yeah, fuck carrot and stick, he's making the stick out of carrot.)

Mark: (Careful, there's man love and there's business love, and never the twain shall meet.)

Mark: (Yeah, you won't be so cocky Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition. I'm probably exactly the kind of person who could end up doing something like that.)

Mark: Dancing? Y-yes... dancing... I love... dancing... (It makes me look like a coma victim being stood up and zapped with a cattle prod.)

Jez: (God, this is such a mess. It's fantastic.)

Jez: Maybe I should send her a bit of ear. Or a finger. Just to show I'm really serious.

Mark: (I've walked into my own personal nightmare. Must remain non-uptight for Sophie. Even if they make me play trust exercises with their genitals.)

Jez: (Jesus, Mark's such a honky. I'm definitely the alpha-est male here. He's probably here for community service. He looks like he's actually getting a bonk on. I'm definitely king of the hippy jungle.)

Jez: Who needs romance when you're doing it up the bum?

Nancy: You can't imagine your mum having sex with a black man? That's pretty racist, Jeremy!

Mark: (I wonder which of my treasured possessions they'll be putting in each others anuses tonight.)

Mark: (God it's so easy being a freak. No wonder they're ten a penny.)

Nancy: This place is amazing, Gwyn. How can you afford it all?
Gwyn: Well I guess I've just been very lucky. Money's an energy and lots of it has always flowed towards me. Particularly after my parents died.

Jez: (You're not going to out-hippie me you fucking hippie.)

Mark: (God it's happening. Its Woodstock. Its Altamont. Its My Lai.)

Mark: (I'm Louis Theroux. I'm Louis Theroux with his wry smile at the orgy.)

Mark: (Sure, an orgy sounds great, but you're basically just multiplying the number of people you're not going to be able to look in the eye afterwards.)

Jez: (This is good. This is like watching a porno, except I can't see anything, I haven't got a hard-on, and I want to cry.)

Mark: We have something special. Not my words, yours. We can't throw that all away just because I... spy on you... can we!?

Episode 2

[Jez approaches an aquaintance from school]
Jez: Gog!
Gog: Jeremy! What are you doing here?
Jez: Wouldn't you like to know, you big prick!
[Jez twists Gog's nipple]

Mark: (He hasn't got any massage oil. He's trying to make me obsess about massage oil. And it's worked!)

Jez: Is that?...Oh my god it is! It's Gog!
Superhans: Who's Gog?
Jez: It's Gog! In school, if you had to sneeze, you'd run up and do it in his face.

Super Hans: I'll tell you what, this crack is really more-ish.

Gog: Hey, you know what I fancy right now? A kebab. Will you go down and get me a kebab?
Jez: [pause] You want me to...
Gog: I want a kebab.
Jez: What... really?
Gog: [laughing] No-o! Why, were you gonna go and get me one?
[Everyone laughs at Jez]
Jez: No...
Gog: I can't believe you were gonna go and get me a kebab!
Jez: I wasn't!
Gog: [Stops laughing] Well, I want one now.
Jez: Right... really?
Gog: [laughs again] No-o! I'm shitting you, Jez! Jesus!

Mark: Jeremy, what is Superhans doing?
Jeremy: [observes Superhans] He's honking on his crackpipe.
Mark: Crack! Jeremy! I have company!

Super Hans: What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread.
[Plays a long, low note on the keyboard]
Super Hans: See, the longer the note... the more dread!

Jez: (Useless...all useless. I wish they were all robots...I wish I were a robot...maybe I could punch through a wall...)

Mark: [Jeremy and Superhans are trying to intimidate Gog] There, we have our answer. Can we please leave!?
Superhans: We have to hurt him now, out of principal. Hit him with the fucking bat Jez.
Jeremy: Why do I have to hit him? Punch him with the glove.
Superhans: Punch him? [holds up baseball glove] I can't even make a fist.

Episode 3

Jez: Cost Cutters is a bloody cathedral.
Mark: (I've shot you Jeff. With a bullet made of Scottish finance regulations.)

Episode 4

Jez: I thought you did do Ancient History.
Mark: I did business studies Jeremy. For three years. And I spoke with you about it daily.
Jez: (I could tell him that's all ancient history now. He probably wouldn't like that joke.)
Jez: Oh well, that's all ancient history now!
[Mark looks unimpressed]

Super Hans: The secret ingredient [waves hand] is crime.

Jez: Stealing things just makes everything very cheap. Plus, you know how I feel about capitalism.
Mark: Yes, confused.

Jez: There's no quim likes to party...
Mark: the quim down in Darty!

Mark: I'm gonna leave a tenner and a note.

Jez: He's not a mature student, he's been a loan manager for the last five years. He lives with me and he eats ready meals and we play guess the Revels and watch Men In Black on our massive telly and we have a fucking. good. time.

Mark: I'm dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.

Mark: At least I didn't have to watch her recoil at my scrotal scar.

Mark: (Oh God she is just so lovely and she doesn't even realise it. Probably no ones ever told her. I should tell her!! No, don't tell her. If she realises, I'm finished.)

Mark: [As Jez and Mark leave] (This is's just one of those things that will haunt me forever.)

Mark (Only one thing for it....turn around and do a Columbo!) [To shoe shop assistant] No remind me again, what university was it she want to?
Assistant Dartmouth...
Mark Ah yes of course, thank you. (Good old Columbo. Only has one trick and still shits all over Quincy!)

Episode 5

Mark: If you can't have sex with the monkey, make friends with the organ-grinder.
Jez: Right. You didn't, did you? Try to have sex with a monkey?

Jez: You do realise I'm bored Mark? I'm dangerously bored. Today I even considered doing that thing that that MP and Michael Hutchence did. You know.

Jez: No Mark. I only told you for a laugh. You promised not to tell.
Mark: Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world!
Jez: But you said... what about your mum's life?
Mark: What does that even mean!? What are you going to do, KILL her!?

[Mark consoles Sophie after she breaks up with Jeff.]
Mark: Does... does he beat you, Soph?
Sophie: God, no. He broke a plate once, but...
Mark: Does he come at you with a stick, Soph?
Sophie: No, never. It's nothing like that.
Mark: He does beat you though, mentally. And with his hands and with his fists.
Sophie: No.
Jeremey: Hey, Soph. You alright?
Sophie: Yeah, just getting my head together.
Mark: Oh God, your head - is it okay!?

Mark: I'm giving you the broom Jeff!

Jeremy: Brilliant Mark. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Is that what you want? Because that's what's gonna happen.

Episode 6

[discussing their marriage of convenience]
Nancy: You realise its only going to be an administrative procedure?
Jez: The happiest administrative procedure of our lives!

Jez: Oh don't marry those gays, Nancy. Marry me!

Mark: (Maybe it'll go really well and I'll have a double wedding with Jeremy on Friday. Oh god. She's coming over. Must... Think... Words... Funny words.)

Mark: (God, this isn't right. Someone has to do something. He's standing there like its the invading Chinese army. They're women, that old get out. Oh god, its got to be me.)

Mark: (Brilliant. Probably looks like I was ready to punch him, when really I was going to use the Buddhist as a human shield.)

[as Jez walks up the aisle]
Mark: (I tried. I failed. Got to let him make his own mistakes. Just like Dad with me and the strimmer.)

Mark: (Got to stick it out. Keep being charming to Sophie, stay cold and unfriendly to Karen, without breaking social convention.)

Mark: (Public humilation. Welcome to my world, Jeff. Although personally I wouldn't have picked that dress to cry on.)

Jez: Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?
Mark: Honestly?
Jez: Quite honestly. Not brutally honestly.
Mark: Then... yeah, absolutely.

Series 3

Mugging [3.1]

Mark: (Fish pie then missionary sex and Newsnight afterwards.)

Mark: (Note to self Re: being the Fonz - Mark, you are *not* the Fonz.)

Big Suze: Hey; Jez! Look at all the lovely normal people.

Jeremy: (About Stu) (he's a monk, he's gonna have fifteen years of spunk backed up. How am I supposed to compete with that?)

Jeremy: Yeah: take that Stu, you lump of monk. God didn't protect you from my big fist.

Jeremy: (Still drinking alone, what's the big deal? If I drink a bottle of vodka and a man's there does that somehow make it alright?)
[Stu appears]
Stu: Hey man, I'm really parched, you mind if I have a swig of something?
Jeremy: Whatever.
[Stu drinks from the milk jug]
Jeremy: (God, that's what a man should look like. Look at that body. Those arms.)
Stu: Listen man, I know you still have feelings for Suze and that's fine. So, it's really nice to meet you, hard feelings. Yeah?
Jeremy: Yeah
[Jeremy stands up to shake Stu's hand, but pulls back at the last moment and wiggles his fingers in front of his face and laughs]
Stu: What does that mean?
Jeremy: You know what it means Stu, by how it makes you feel! That's what it means. [Stu begins to walk away] Welcome to big school!

Sectioning [3.2]

Mark: (Look at me; I've got a girlfriend. A proper girlfriend reading a best-seller about child-abuse. I go out and have croissant. I'm just a normal functioning member of the human race and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.)

[Super Hans nonchalantly flings Merry's laptop across the room]
Jez: Super Hans!
Super Hans: Oh, what? Oh, 'cause it's a computer you think it's made of spiders webs and magic? It's just a metal box Jez, they're indestructable.

Mark: I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.

Jeremy: "If you build it,they will come". That's my market research.
Mark: Field of Dreams? A man who builds a baseball field in his backyard for ghosts? That's your role model?

Jez: Mark, do you have to live quite so relentlessly in the real world?

Jez: People like lager and nuts.
Super Hans: People like Coldplay and voting for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.

Jez: I'm definitely not co-managing a pub called 'Free the Paedos'.

Super Hans: Did you try to section me???
Jeremy:No (That sounded convincing)
Jeremy:Do you really think if you give her back those papers,she's going to let you screw her?

Doctor: Look guys. You've had your fun with the sectioning. There's going to be no more sectioning today.

Shrooming [3.3]

Jez: If people only did everything they wanted everyone would just spend all day sitting on the carpet watching the poker channel, wanking and eating those expensive German biscuits. Probably.

Jez: (It's not like I'm going to rape him. I could rape him... I'm not going to rape him.)

[Propping up the door so that Big Suze can use the toilet]
Jez: (I bet she even does nice poos. Little Maltesers that smell like The Body Shop.)

Mark: (This is the last friendship I have that's not backed up by a legally enforcable document.)
Mark:(Am I going to do this? Even if I marry Sophie and move to Surrey and own a home in Umbria, our children will always look at me and see a man who once took a crap in a takeaway bag. Plus, I'd have to hide it here, next to one of my things. I could throw it out the window. No, that's what they want you to do. That's where society's headed. People shitting in bags and throwing out on each other. Well, I'm not going to be the first. Not in my name!)

Johnson: Is that normal pooing you're doing, Mark?
Mark: Yes, perfectly normal.
Johnson: Doesn't sound normal... Doesn't smell normal. This is bollocks, Mark! You know the credo: illness equals weakness. You're off the team.

Jez: So this is my big evening, is it? Me, tripping my nuts off, watching you do endless pooing.

Sistering [3.4]

Mark: Nothing means anything to you, does it? Friendship, loyalty - they're just fusty old words like sixpence and codpiece to you, aren't they?

Mark: (Oh my God. I've fallen in love with her. Of course. Brilliant. How incredibly predictable. What a total fucking dope.)

Jez: (How can Mark be in love with Big Suze? It's like Swaziland trying to invade China - it's a bloody political joke.)

Mark: (Great. Okay, so I've 'dumped' my sister. That's great. That feels good. I'm intrigued to see what I'm gonna do next. Maybe I'll ring up Grandad, and tell him I think he's a boring twat.)

Mark: [Whilst jogging] (Hey! Wow, I'm actually good at this. Maybe I'm a natural - yeah, I'm a jogger! Of course, there had to be a sport for me, I just never realised. Legs like two great steam locomotives, pumping away, I'm unstoppable - JESUS, is that a stitch - fuck, I'm gonna be sick, I need to walk. Oh, I think I'm gonna puke, I'm literally going to die, ugh, what an idiotic boob I was back ten or eleven seconds ago.)

Jurying [3.5]

Jez: Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers.
Mark: Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can't face reality.
Jez:Its probably some young black kid whos been accused of stealing a bun and i'm going to set him free
Mark:No smoke without fire? Is that what 1000 years of British Judical Law has come down to? No smoke without fire!?

Jez: Sometimes I tell them I love them early on on a first date just to get things off to a good start.
Mark: Doesn't that... devalue it a bit?
Jez: No. Maybe. A bit. Who cares, it works.

Jez: (This isn't wrong - just illegal - like drink-driving.)
Jez:Oh that is typical."Jeremy can't be trusted to judge the woman he's sleeping with but...Tony Blair can?"
Jez:I'm a Musician,in case you'd forgotten and i answer to higher law.The Law of "if it feels good,do it".
Mark:Oh thats a great law.What is that,Gadafi's law?
Jez:Its the Musician's law.Conolel Gadafi could not lay down a Bass hook,Mark.That should be clear even to you.

Jez: (I'm in Twelve Angry Men. I'm the only one who's not angry. I'm horny. That's much nicer.)

Mark: Sophie! The Sophster! Sophestry!

Mark: So, a candle stuck in a wine bottle apparently doesn't cut it anymore. Now for a special night you have to have Class-A drugs and... fisting.

[About ecstasy]
Jez: Jesus Mark, why didn't you bang one?
Mark: Because I didn't want to wake up dribbling in a phone box with a trucker's penis in my ear!

Mark: (How did my house become a rave? This is probably how a squat starts. They'll never leave and eventually they'll brick me up in my room and ownership will pass to them because a high court judge will rule me to be officially not living life to the max.)

Mark: While we’re at it, there are systems for a reason in this world. Economic stability, interest rates, growth. It’s not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes, alright? It’s only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you’re not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth. And a little pill with a chicken on it is not going to change that. Now come on... fuck off.

Jez: (Oh yeah. Justice is done. Not actual justice, but, what I wanted to happen. Which is basically the same thing.)

Quantocking [3.6]

[to Jez playing darts]
Mark: Are you aiming for the bulls-eye?
Jez: Yeah, 'course I am, it's the best thing on the board!
Mark: No, it isn't.
Jez: Mark, just look at it. It's tiny, it's red, it's right in the bloody middle. 'Course it's the best thing on the board!
Mark:(Oh great,she posted the guide book.I suppose i'm supposed to think thats incredibly charming and French.Well its not,its a waste of £8.99)

Jez: Right well, let's crack on.
Super Hans: Don't. Say. Crack, Jez. Yeah? Please. Not now. 'Cause you saying crack makes me think about crack and I love crack. So can you not say crack?
Mark:(Why won't that stupid Bitch let me propose to her?)
Mark:We're not going to be two of those idiots you hear about who go up a mountain in Flip Flops and Sombreros and have to be rescued.
Jeremy:Would you rather be one of those idiots they find frozen to death,drinking his own piss while Badgers chew on his corpse?

Mark: (At least he doesn't know about my emergency Twix)

Mark: (Yes, this me-not-loving-her business will sort of put me in a position of power in our marriage. Yes. I win.)

Super Hans: Drugs! Drugs! Drugs!

Super Hans: I'd probably be very angry with you right now, if I weren't so incredibly high.

Jez: Super Hans, are you trying to skin up with your feet again? Because it doesn't work does it? It just makes a mess.

Series 4

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

Mark: She’s good for me, Jez, She’s dragging me into the twenty-first century with its meaningless logos and ironic veneration of tyrants. It’s all good, my friend.
Jeremy::But what's Blair going to do?
Super Hans::Maybe he'll become an Ethical Porn Star
Jeremy:Or maybe he'll form a political supergroup.Blair on Guitar,Bono on Vocals,Clinton on Sax.
Super Hans:Yeah that is definitely going to happen.Geldof's gonna shit
Sophie's mother:Oh you grew a beard.Makes you look very handsome like a Policeman
Mark:Thank you.You're obviously very attractive(Ugh!What am i going to do next?Tell her she's got lovely tits?)

Jez: (I'm a motherfucker! That's literally what I am!)

Jez: (It's almost like a moral decision, but not really 'cause nobody will find out.)

Mark: (Well, this isn't what I expected. You think you're going to play Simpsons Monopoly, and you end up an arsonist.)

Mark: (I'm a firestarter! A twisted firestarter!)

Jez: Well... I did see him throw a petrol bomb but I thought it might just have been a joke.

Mark: This zip... There's no pocket to this zip!
Mark: (So thats the way it is?Lets just put a Zip here,a Swastika there.Who knows what these things once stood for?Who the hell even cares?)

Jez: (To Sophie's father) He can't hear... Can you, you big fox-hunting, badger baiting, tweed-shirt bumfuck homophobe!

[to Jez, smiling smuttily]
Penny: Get yourself a nice tank of petrol. Come back soon.
Jez: (Yeah, right, so your husband can kill me and your son can worship my stuffed corpse and you can wheel me out for a fuck. No thank you.)

Mark: Please, no. Please tell me no.
Jez: What?
Mark: That. The smutty smile. Jeremy, please tell me that nothing's going on there.
Jez: Nothing is going on there.
Mark: Let's just say nothing's going on there.
Jez: Yeah. Actually I did want to tell someone, I mean it was so cool, she had all this jam -
Mark: Oh my God, you didn't?! You fucked her! Jeremy, you need chemical castration, you're out of control! That's Sophie's mother!
Jez: She's hot.
Mark: She's not out of Hollyoaks, Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Oh you're a piece of work aren't you? I'm down the pub putting the hours in with the dad, and you're back at the house banging the mum! That is not a good impression!
Jez: I dunno, I think I made a pretty good impression.
Mark: Jeremy, please, don't smile like that. You're not James Bond, you're disgusting.
Jez: (I am James Bond.)

[Mark has just twisted a bird's head off whilst hunting]
Sophie: Teas, coffees for the huntsmen.
Jez: No teas for the beastmaster, thanks. He feasts on the blood of his prey.
Jeremy:(Of course he's not aloud shoot.He's Mark Chapman in the making and i'm very much a 21st century Lennon)
Mark:(He doesn't have anyone to talk to.He spends all day with the trees and animals.This is what happens when you live too far away from franchised Coffee outlets)
Mark: (Ugh,sir.This isn't Tennessee,Mark)

Mark: (Oh God, the first fianceé challenge and I've got a gun. An actual gun. It's OK, it's perfectly normal, this is the country. This is what farmers do. They go around shooting crows, and trespassers, and eventually, because of the EU, themselves.)

Sophie: [to Mark and her father] Hey nice to see you two getting on. What are you two talking about?
Mark: Oh just...metal (And the fact that I don't really love you)

Sophie: Bye. Love you!
Mark: I love you, too. (It's okay, everyone says it. I say I love Haagen-Dazs and my broadband provider, and I like Sophie more than them. In most respects.)

Conference [4.2]

Mark: Hi, Alan, you wanted to talk about... oh!
Johnson: Don't be alarmed, Mark, it's just Tai Chi. Take a seat and I'll just power through. Should take 45 minutes, I'm done in ten. Stick that up your dojo.
Mark: Great.

Mark: (I do sort of like it when he's rude to me. Hopefully that's more of a psychological defect, not a weird sexual thing.)

Johnson: Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious. Fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What? You think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?
Mark: (Oh he is good. Taboo busting, semi-incomprehensible pep-talk.)

Johnson: In business, Jeremy, you learn that every man has his price, and I judge yours to be... £530.

Jez: (Is this a terrible idea? It can't be. It's in a film. They wouldn't put a terrible idea in a film, they'd get sued.)

Big Suze: Sounds like you want to pimp me out.
Jez: Pimp me out. Pimp my ride. There's a new climate.

Jez: (God! I only asked her to be a hooker. It's not like I wanted her to work in telesales.)

Sophie: ...and I was quite shocked when you called Kathy a knucklehead, Mark.
Mark: No I didn't.
Sophie: Yes, you did. You said she was a knucklehead and she should knuckle down or you'd knuckle her fat head.

Mark: Sit down. Clear your tubes. 'Cause you and me are gonna chow down on the biggest hairy motherfucking business shit-storm since Enron.

Mark: (Suppose I can always roll Gerrard out for the sympathy vote. He's my dark secret... my elephant man.)

Mark: Oh right, so, now she's finished with you, suddenly you're in love with her again?
Jez: Exactly. Duh! That's how love works Mark.

Mark: (Oh great. I'm going out with literally the worst men in the world.)

Big Suze: Jeremy?! What the hell are you doing here?
Jez: Me? Oh. Nothing. I was just passing through... Kettering... And I thought, hey I know someone who's gone to Kettering for the weekend.

Jez: Look Suze. Being black isn't about the colour of your skin. It's about vibe, hanging out, kicking back, smoking a number. Fighting prejudice and negative stereotypes wherever you find them! Yeah? I'm down with all that! Is Johnson? I mean, what's Johnson done for black people lately?!
Big Suze: You mean... apart from his mentoring and community work?
Jez: ...Yeah apart from that!

Mark: (Oh God. This is horrible. Ughh, she's touching the tube! That can't be hygenic...)

[While getting a lap dance in a strip club.]
Mark: Oh, great! Here we go. I'm just another cock getting wired into the global economy. Uhhh, how should I look like? Bond-like neutrality? As though I'm so used to real-life naked women? Or, don't want to be rude... smiling encouragement? That's not a leer is it? Got to avoid the leer at all costs. And the dribble. Oh God, she looks amazing. This really should not be allowed. This is what men want and we shouldn't be allowed to have it because it's horrible and it make you feel sick! Oh great, now I'm getting an erection. How grimly predictable.

Stripper: You should try and sum up all your aims in the first line.
Mark: Right, look, this is a very complex business proposal so I really don't think you could sum up all the aims in one line.
Stripper: If you can't sum up all the aims in the first line then they're too diffuse.
Mark: Look, my aims are not too fucking diffuse ok?!
Stripper: Fine! Jesus! They just might be too diffuse. That was all I was saying...
Mark: (Great... Now I'm getting an angry lap dance... Brilliant...)

Sophie: And have I lived enough? I mean, I've only slept with four men. Is that enough?
Jez: Four?... Oh... Yeah. (Jesus. I've had sex with more men than that, and I basically only sleep with women.)

Jez: (This is almost definitely a terrible idea, but I won't know for certain until I've actually done it... No I was right, that was a terrible idea. That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in my entire life... Although... Maybe actually screwing each other will kind of make it weirdly better.)

Mark: (Why are they being so nice? Maybe they're had a big chat about me and they're suddenly realised I was right about North Korea, I was right about the European Constitution, and by God I think I'm right about the congestion charge!

Mark: You know what this piece of paper says Jeremy?
Jez: Is it something to do with history? Have they stopped history books?

Mark: I'm about to walk into a boardroom gang bang and get fucked by the biggest swinging dicks in corporate strategy.

Jez: Maybe you should run away.
Mark: Right, thanks Jez.
Jez: Well, I mean, people say it like it's a bad thing, you know, running away from your problems. But if your problems never catch up with you, what's the hitch?
Mark: Right well, in this case there would be repercussions.
Jez: What do you care? You'd be in the woods, playing the ukulele with the rabbits and the squirrels!
Mark: I suppose I could... run away.
Jez: Do it man!! (I think that was good advice... I mean, I didn't actually expect him to do it... Maybe I wouldn't have said it if I thought there was any chance of him actually doing it... But... yep, there he goes.)
Mark: (God, I'm running away! This is brilliant! Maybe I'll go to KFC and have a whole bargain bucket!)
Jeremy:(Hiding out in a parking lot.He's not exactly Grissly Adams)
Mark:(I've really done it this time.This isn't a late report or a misspelled Memo.This is going Feral.Rejecting Society and living like an animal.That's not going to look good on my quarterly review)

Mark: (Right, here I go. Palms dry. Mouth dry. Inter-buttock area moist.)

Johnson: I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr. Corrigan will indeed be dead within a month.

Gym [4.3]

Matt: Well, you can't stay hiding there [behind Sophie and Nancy] forever!
Mark: He thinks we can't hide here forever.
Jez: He obviously doesn't know us at all, does he?

Mark: I'm marrying her, what more does she want?

Jez: Mark, are you having some sort of mental breakdown?
Mark: I'm just joining the gym. Get some exercise, and some time... not away from Sophie, just... without her.
Jez: .....
Mark: You should join too. You get a free pen!

Mark: (Ugh, why did they have to put the bikes right in front of the sexualiser? Be so demeaning to get a bonk-on while exercising.)

Matt: Can you take some more? Can you? Do you want it? Do you want it?
Mark: NO!
Matt: What?
Mark: No, I don't want it, alright? Fuck off! You've made it too hard, I can hardly fucking pedal! No mountain is this hard, it's just not realistic!

Mark: (Ugh, that was horrible. Now he probably thinks I'm embarrassed about the size of my penis. When in fact, I'm not. I'm much more concerned about my misshapen scrotum.)
Mark: (I should've just killed him.I've watched enough CSI to get away with it}

Handyman [4.4]

Mark: What a dud evening. Low quality take-away. Low quality detective drama. Low quality sexual intercourse.

Mark: Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.
Jez: And you don't have to be a smack-head to wank off old geezers, but that probably helps too.
Mark:(What should i say?Anything that does'nt mention wanking over your image for the last twenty years would be good)

Mark: (I thought she was a frightened little suburban mouse, but no, she's my nightmare: a liberated, sexually adventurous urban woman.)

Mark: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And even if it is broke, just ignore it and maybe it'll be sort of OK. Like the environment.
Mark:(What exactly is my plan here?I've lured them all to the Safari park like a Bond Vilain,but whats the aim? torture myself with contact with an unattainable woman?)
Mark:I can't believe it.He's actually thrown me to the Lions
Jeremy:You're disgusting.But i like it.Like going to a strip club with the Pope
Mark:You gave him a hand?
Mark:Shit(I knew it,I knew it,I knew it!)

Super Hans: Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?
Jez: Sorry, I didn't think.
Super Hans: Well you should've bloody thought. Jesus!
Jez: Did you do it?
Super Hans: 'Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?

Nancy: What's going on? Who's wanking who off?
Super Hans: Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.
Jez: No I haven't! It's not -
Nancy: Jeremy, that is so you. I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.

Mark:It is kind of a funny story(One which i'll never tell anyone because of my deep burning shame)

Holiday [4.5]

Mark: (I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring it feels like it might go on forever.Maybe i could listen to James Bond themes and pretend i'm working as a secret agent)

Mark: (Oh great, so I'll be spending £1 a minute to hear how shit I am at sex, that's value for money!)

Jez;(This weekend is going to be one massive dry hump.Maybe the tension will build to the point where we actually try and fuck each other)
Jez: Oh, that is great. You wouldn't even let me drink your piss. I'm not trying to kiss you, Mark. It's liquid waste.

Mark: (Just stay mute, Mark. You're a social freak. Remain in your compound.)
Mark:The whole world isn't Zoo Magazine,Jeremy.People don't just go around wanting it the whole time.

Jez: Warp factor 3 please, Scotty!
Mark: (Oh, great. I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.)

Mark: (Oh my God! I've entered an interview situation and there's a hand near my cock. This is like that dream I had about Alan Sugar and the Badger.)
Mark:(This can't be real.They're probably Sophie and Johnson in Masks and this is being payed for by MTV and the Playboy Channel)

Jez: (If I don't think about it, there's always a chance it didn't happen.)

[discussing Malcolm's daughter]
Malcolm: What do you think of her? Honestly.
Mark: (I think she might have a borderline personality disorder.) I think she's... lovely.

Mark: I don't want sweet punani action; I want to take your bishop and grind you down!

Mark: (Fucking hell! He's got Mummy! He's brought a dead dog into my pitch, the stupid bastard!)
Jeremy:(I'm eating Dog Leg!This is definitely a new low)

[after Jez has eaten "turkey" (actually the dog, "Mummy")]
Mark: Did you actually have to eat it?
Jez: I don't know. I keep wondering that. But in the moment, it really did feel like I needed to eat it.

Wedding [4.6]

Jez: Did you slink off to bed before we did the melon-off?
Mark: I believe I did, and what is....
Jez: Two guys get hard-ons, they put melons on their dicks, the first one to fall off loses.
Mark: Right, and who won - Gore Vidal or Dr Jonathan Miller?

Mark: (I'm not marrying out of spite, I'm marrying out of fear. There's a very big difference.)

Mark: (Need time to think. How can I buy some time? Contract TB? But where from? No badgers. Try to get beaten up? I could say he's got a... fat head. Call him a jizz-cock. It's not actually an insult, all cocks are jizz-cocks really; bit like calling him a piss-kidney.)

Mark: Well, you should be more careful you... jizz-cock!
Driver: What?
Mark: You could have had my legs off you... piss-kidney.
Driver: Arsehole!
Mark: (Arsehole! Yep, nice insult. Clean, clear and insulting.)

Jez: You OK?
Mark: Yeah, yeah, fine. Bit of a wobble. I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop and tried to get myself run over.
Jez: OK. Right. That is maybe a sign that everything isn't totally groovy.

Jez: (Am I actually going to piss on the church? It'd be quite a statement. Yeah, baby! Here I go. Richard Dawkins walks the walk but does he actually follow through with an actual act of piss?)

Jez: Let me go in that prayer bucket.
Mark: Prayer bucket?... [looking round] Jeremy, that's just a bucket.
Jez: Alright, I'm gonna creep up to the bucket...
Mark: No!
Jez: Mark, I can't hold it in any longer! I'm busting!
Mark: Well, if you can't hold it in, I guess you'll just have to...piss yourself.
Jez: You're ordering me to piss myself?
Mark: Yes, if you have to go, piss yourself.
Jez: Is this what it's come to?
Mark: Yes, and do it quietly!
Jez: And what shall I do after I piss myself? Fuck myself? Eat myself? [Jez begins pissing himself]
Mark: Are you going already?
Jez: Yes, I'm so pathetic, as soon as you ordered me to piss myself I started the procedure. See what you've done? You've ground down my sense of self worth, I hope you're happy!
Mark: When are you going to stop?
Jez: Not for a bit.
Mark: Jeremy, stop! It's going down the crack!
Jez: Oh piss yourself, stop pissing yourself, it's not that easy Mark, the flood gates are open!
Mark: I'm ordering you to stop!
Jez: You're being a real dick about this aren't you?!?!
Priest:...Before God Almighty who knows all the secrets of our hearts...
Mark:(He's ladelling it on now.Is that in the proper thing or has he just added that to needle me?)
Mark:(Someone save me.Jeremy.Spacemen)
Mark:(That's it.I've ruined my Life!You only get one life and I've ruined mine!)

Mark: That's it. I'm alone. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up in my bed alone. Unless... I hire a prostitute. Just for the night. Kind of like a wedding present.

Mark: You know you really do smell quite strongly of piss.
Jez: Yes, and your hat and shoe smell of puke, so I guess neither of us are exactly the king, are we?

Series 5

Burgling [5.1]

Mark: (So unhappy. I wonder if anyone has ever been this unhappy while drinking champagne.)

Mark: (Jeremy was right; she's an actual woman.)

[Jez has just been told he may have Chlamydia]
Paula: Lots of times it's symptomless basically so...
Jez: It's symptomless? Oh, right. So what's the biggie? I mean, no one minds if the invisible man comes to dinner.

Jez: (Maybe I can get into this. Sexually transmitted disease. Sexually transmitted. Sexually. Sexy. I'm feeling sexy.)
Paula: You haven't noticed any unusual discharge from your penis, have you?
Jez: (Not so sexy.)

[Mark and Jez are on a double date at the theatre]
Jez: [whispering] When do we get to go out?
Mark: [whispering] As far as I can make out, we get to go out for a bit in an hour, then we have to come back for two hours.
Jez: You're kidding. I think I'll die.
Mark: If this was on television, nobody would be watching.
Jez: Oh God. Why aren't we watching television? [...] I've got Heat on DVD at home. We're watching this, when for less money we could be watching Robert de Niro and Al Pacino.
Mark: I'm going to pretend I am watching Heat.
Jez: OK. Let's just pretend we're watching Heat.

[Jez has left the theatre early]
Jez: (This is amazing. I wasn't meant to be out 'till eleven, and it's not even nine. I've time travelled. I've made time! I could do anything. I'm golden!)
[Whilst giving his ticket to a tramp]
Jez: Here you go mate. Go and see the second half. It's shit.

Spin War [5.2]

Mark: You know Jez... I've started to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally fucked... You know, I fucked up my wedding, I fucked up my only relationship. Everything's just completely fucked.
Jez: You have been thinking this for a while, haven't you?

Mark: It was old style paedoing. Before it got such a bad name.

Jez: This is a chain-on scenario.

Mark: Mmmm. Why toast when you can roast?
Jez: Another roast? That's the third today.
Mark: What's nicer than a roast?
Jez: Yeah, but, chain-eating roasts?

Mark: Ugh no... Heartbreak Tuna! No, just bin it. But not literally - no need to be dramatic. Freeze it. See how I feel in six months.

Mark: If she wants a PR War, then she can have a PR War... I'll Mandelson her! Nobody wanted New Labour, Jeremy, but now we all know how it works.

Mark: [entering the office] (Walking into the jaws of death. Got to go past Sophie's desk. What I am going to say? Please save me, Jesus - I'll start believing in you if you save me now ... The other way! She's looking the other way! Thank you, Jesus! ... Although it was fifty-fifty which way she'd be looking - might need a bit more to start believing.)

Mark: Mmmm, Piggin' Tea Break. Cup of piggin' tea and work out my piggin' campaign strategy.

Lisa: Erm, Mark, I just want to say about the wedding... that I think you're a real piece of shit.
Mark: Oh... OK. (That's fair. Lisa is a very fair person.)

Mark: Hi Soph, how are you? How are you feeling?
Sophie: Well... I want to give things another go.
Mark: You... you do?
Sophie: No, of course I fucking don't!

Super Hans: Shit, he's done something there. How's he done that?
Jez: I think that what's happening is maybe two or three different musical things, at the same time!

Super Hans: Have you read the Big Beat Manifesto lately?
Jez: Did we write it down?
Super Hans: The Big Beat Manifesto goes "Big Beats are the best, Get high all the time".
Jez: Right. At the time, it felt like a much more all-encompassing philosophy.

Super Hans: I think this is probably the best example of the sort of stuff we'd do we've ever had.
Jez: Oh yeah. 'cause sometimes it's really hard actually to do your own ideas.

Mark: (Where do I sit... This must be what it's like being a nonce in prison.)

Mark: By the way, is it possible to get a block on a couple of e-mail adresses?
Dobby: Why, what have you been getting?
Mark: Ah, just the usual... crap.
Dobby: [reading] You're a piece of shit. Shitter, Stuff your bollocks up your gob...
Mark: It's just mates and that.
Dobby: [still reading] Fuck off and shut up and die?
Mark: Yeah they're pretty funny.
Dobby: Arseholes.

Jez: (Blow Job and a Twirl)

Super Hans: Do I look like I'm made of apples?

Mark: Ugh... You'll have to move.
Dobby: Yeah I should move... but I might not move. [Dobby begins to rub against Mark]

Mark: (I win because they all think I pissed myself, when they have no idea I came all in my pants!)

Mark: I just wondered if you fancied coming down with me to the Fuckbunker.
Dobby: Is that what you call the stationery cupboard?

Jez: (Hmmm... women. There they are, walking around. And they've all got them. Under their clothes. Hiding there. But I know the secret. Vaginas.)

Mark: This is piggin' massive!

Jez: What's going on?
Superhans: Barney's locked himself in the bathroom.
Jez: What did you do to him?
Superhans: Nothing...jesus...
Barney: He's a fucker!
Jez: Has he been sucking you off?
Superhans: No! Of course not...
Barney: Yes.
Superhans: Well...maybe once...
Jez: What the fuck are we going to do!?!? We don't know how to play his mu...our music. We're the frontmen! I was planning on just waving a moracca and giving the hotties my sex eyes.

Barney: I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home.
Jez: What's going on?
Super Hans: He wants to go home.

Mark: Okay, what now? Go home and roast the shit out of some meat.

Jeremy's Broke [5.3]

[Mark is making a list of everything that Jez can eat.]
Mark: Toilet paper, OK. Soap, OK. But not shower gel. And no razors. If you're poor, grow a beard.

Mark: You ate your nest egg? You're meant to sit on your nest egg until it hatches, not eat it like some greedy, mad chicken.

Jez: It's not that easy mark, there's just not that many jobs in the media. That's the reality.
Mark: Do something else. Get on your bike.
Jez: I can't believe you're making me get a job not in the media. You're such a bastard.

Jez: (Mmm... Delicious Cumberland final straw, dripping in onion gravy.)

Mark: (Ugh, speed dating. That was horrible. No one else seemed to mind. Maybe this is the future. Three minute date, three minute fuck, three minute marriage.)

Mark: (I'm just another reject slowly slipping out of the gene pool to get hoovered up by the sex industry.)

Mark: I've been thinking ... it's been great having you here. But you've done the south now - the London Eye, the Trocadero - so you probably want to be heading up north. [...] There's a Harvey Nichols in Leeds that everyone goes on about, as if it's the answer to something.

Jez: So that's what it comes down to, is it? You don't want to bone me, so I'm out - it's that brutal. Have you seen the old man, down by the seaman's mission? Yes - not very fuckable, is he?

Dobby: [sings] Jeff's doing a joke, Jeff's doing a joke, everybody quiet 'cos Jeff's doing a joke!
Jeff: Freak.

Jeremy's Mummy [5.4]

Super Hans: It's a pisser though, innit - cancer. They should find a fucking cure.
Mark: I think they're trying
Super Hans: Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out. It's important, Mark.

Jez: Twenty thousand pounds. I'm going to be a millionaire!

Super Hans: Wow, nice. Nice gun. Must be, what, a... war gun.

Jez: You've got sarcasm. I've got a big gun.

Jez: Mummy, coffee, fucky hurry uppy.

Mark: Jez, please! This level of conflict may be usual for you, but it's not healthy - I think I'm going to have a heart attack!
Jez: Oh, and I suppose your relationship with your mum is healthy, is it? Sitting in silence watching Taggart. Thirty years of mutual resentment eating away at you.
Mark: We like Taggart. Even the new ones.

Mark: You really do have to get over this thing with your mum - you're not Hamlet. Stop being Hamlet.
Jez: Well, all right, I'll stop being Hamlet when you stop being ....
Mark: (He can't think of a Shakespearian character!)
Jez: ... a massive twat.
Mark: (Ha! He couldn't even think of Romeo! Romeo's easy!)

Mark: (I would literally stab a baby to do it!)

Mark: (This is a fantastic evening. I've become a military historian and Jeremy's future happiness rests in my hands...And I've got a tiramisu. This is fucking amazing!)

Super Hans: Jez - can you tell me, yeah, as a mate, someone who knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?

Super Hans: Come on Mark, don't piss on my strawberrys.

Jez: How was the rest of your evening with Peaches Stalin?

Jez: You, my friend, are a rape victim. [...] Do you have feelings of guilt and shame, self-loathing?
Mark: You know I do - don't load the question!

Mark: It wasn't rape, alright? It was just a minor sexual assault. She didn't force anything up my bum - that's why it's not rape.
Jez: Well it's not bum-rape, no.
Super Hans: Never said it was bum-rape, Mark.

Mark: (Maybe that was actually good sex? Loosen up, Corrigan - that's what happens in the bedroom now: No old fashioned fumbling and kissing, a lesbian rapes you whilst you dream about your mother).

Mark:: War is never a picnic. Although obviously soldiers do end up eating outdoors a lot.

Jez: If they can't get to Corfu they can't spend my money. That's physics.

Jeremy's Manager [5.5]

[Mark and Jez are at a Christian rock festival]

Mark: (Look at them all - the Christians. It's not fair. I could be that happy if I believed in a lot of rubbish.)

Jeremy: (There's like a 1 per cent chance the whole Jesus thing is true. In which case I'll have that in the bag.)

Mark: (Oh God. He's in a raft drifting towards Niagra Falls, flicking through Heat magazine with one hand down his trousers.)

Jeremy: We'd be selling our souls.
Super Hans: Well, we'd be selling our souls to Jesus. Isn't he the best person to sell your soul to? Isn't that his whole sale?

Jeremy: (Christian security guard? What's he gonna do, excommunicate me?)

Cally: How could you possibly make one of these [crystal skulls] except by some type of magic?
Mark: In a factory...from glass.
Cally: Oh sure, c'mon! Could you make that?
Mark: No.
Cally: Could ANYONE?
Mark: Yes.
Cally: Look, Mark, this is important to me. If we're going anywhere, I need you to tell me that you believe in crystal skulls.
Mark: (Please don't make me believe in them.)
Cally: Do you believe?
Mark: I do believe in crystal skulls.
Cally: And what do you believe about them?
Mark: I believe that they were crafted by the ancient inhabitants of Atlantis and that they're possible centres of healing.
Cally: There, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Mark: (Sorry science. Sorry enlightenment. Sorry logic.)

Mark: (The one is giving me the finger and driving away. There's the familar gut punch of Pain and Loneliness. Hello, old friend.)

Mark's Women [5.6]

Mark: Hey Jez!
Jez: Oh, hi Mark.
Mark: This may be the best day of my life! War with Sophie is over, and Johnson's given me a promotion! I've only got my own bloody little office.
Jez: That's great. Good for you.
Mark: (Uh-oh, beast of the feast, better take the mustard off.)
Mark: Well it wasn't that great. Lunch was pretty nothing-y. Baked potato...again...Are you, alright Jez?
Jez: I've just been doing alot of thinking.
Mark: (Oh shit.)
Jez: Why do I do half the stupid shit I do? I've been thinking, maybe I'm not in the one percent of people who think they're going to be famous musicians and are totally right. But, in the ninety-nine percent of talentless, misguided dickheads.

Mark: (I feel guilty about everything, from the pollution caused by Chinese industrialisation to not wearing some pairs of boxers as much as others. I'm sorry, stripey blue - you're just too tight.)

Mark: (Sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver. You can't really ask for it back.)

Mark: (Just gotta say the right words - can think about what they mean later.)

Mark: (Oh my God, I can't fire anyone. I'm like British Leyland in 1976.)

Sophie: Mark, I've got sometihng to tell you.
Mark: (Fuck. Don't say you're pregnant.)
Sophie: I'm pregnant.
Mark: (Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!) [Calmly] oh so you're pregnant?

Jez: And...what about the...issue?
Mark: Oh, well, if Sophie continues down her path towards self destruction, we'll probably end up adopting like a couple of gay dads anyways. So there's no need to know who's it is.
Jez: Right! Who knows. Who the fuck cares!
Mark: Right. (We are so fucked)
Jez: (We are so fucked)

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